Original subtitles

That was a wonderful lunch. You know what would be a perfect ending for this

lunch? Plan our next lunch.

You're right.

A fourth piece of mud pie would be just wrong.

Date book.

Okay. What do you have on Thursday?

Thursday?

I have nothing.

And Thursday?

I have nothing, so Thursday's a possibility. What do you have on Friday?

Nothing.

You?

Nothing. So that's Thursday and Friday. Now, Saturday's always busy.

Nothing.

Me either.

Oh, Thursday, nothing. Friday, nothing.

Saturday, nothing.

Sunday, we rest.

There's a problem. Your credit card has been denied.

I knew this day would come.

Kidding. Slow day.

Bored out of my mind.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to give that table real coffee instead of

decaf. Let's watch what happens.

When was the last time I had a job or a date or anything to write in this book?

Oh, look.

I found something in mine.

Today, lunch with Sybil.

Done.

I'm exhausted.

Excuse me, Sybil Sheridan? Yes? I'm a big fan.

I just loved you in that movie, Southern Moon. You were so strong and so funny.

And I really related to the abandonment theme.

I mean, not that you've been abandoned. That's me. That's my stuff.

Well, it's always nice to have a fan. Not that I ever have.

In fact, you're my first one. Can I have your autograph?

Come, sit.

Compliment me.

Thanks.

I'm Amy Fitzpatrick.

I'm writing a new TV series and you'd be perfect for the female lead.

Can you come in and audition on Friday? I think this could really, really work

out. Forgive me if I'm acting a little hyper. I think the waiter gave me

coffee by mistake.

I would love to audition on Friday. Let me just put it in my book.

Look, Marianne, I'm writing.

Nice work if you can get it, and if you get it, won't you tell me

how?

A toast to my best friend Sybil, who today finally got

cast in a starring role after decades of being nothing more than a

chewed -up wad of gum on the bottom of the shoe.

That is Hollywood.

Marianne, have you ever seen hot cheese fly?

Bottoms up!

Yeah!

Bravo! Bravo, diva! Yeah! Ooh!

I'm really excited about this job.

Amy, the head writer, and I get along great. She's even going to let me help

cast my co -star.

We are so proud of you, Mom. Tell us everything. What's the show called?

It's called Life Forms, and I play Dr.

Sarah McCullen, a strong, independent scientist who seeks out alien life forms

with the help of her sexy partner.

Kind of like the X -Files.

Yeah, but it's different, because I'm in it, and I bought that pizza.

I love aliens. They really know how to clean a house.

We're talking about little green men, Marianne, not little green cards.

Sybil, I'm sorry to burst in here like this, but we have a bit of an emergency.

Is an off -the -shoulder gown for a winter wedding a disaster?

That depends. Are you talking about you or Ira?

I'll show you the fabric.

Ira, what did you do with my wedding planner and all our swatches?

I don't know. Out in the car, in my purse.

I'll get it.

He is such a guy.

He thinks peach and apricot are the same.

All of a sudden, I'm the swatch king.

I've done nothing but talk about wedding gowns for weeks.

Kevin, quick.

Say man things to me. Pliers, belching. Let's go out in the street and spit.

In a minute. I just have to run upstairs and get Rachel's Midol. She's cramping.

Hey, Dad.

This wedding stuff is killing you. You look positively William Burroughs.

Is there anything I can do to help? Throw Holly a bridal shower.

Anything I can do to help?

Sid, Marianne.

Thank you, Ira. I haven't had a laugh like that for months.

Come on, ask us again.

No one's offered to throw her one yet. Her sisters all live back east, and a

shower's really important to Holly. I know exactly how Holly feels.

I never had a bridal shower, and I still resent it.

Rachel, I wanted to give you a shower, but you didn't want one.

Yes, well, that was then when my life was perfect. Now it stinks and I resent

it.

I'll do it, Jeff.

Really? You really mean it, honey?

Uh -huh, absolutely.

It'd be something nice for someone you love. And besides, it would drive Rachel

nuts.

The show is a cross between sci -fi and romantic comedy.

We're looking for an actor who can handle that.

Go.

This isn't human.

Sorry. I was eating.

She's like, go again.

This isn't human.

You don't know that.

This isn't human.

You don't know that.

You don't know that.

Is your tongue pierced?

You don't know this. That. You don't know that!

Thank you, that's lunch!

There's just one more.

Please, Amy, no.

Do I have to look at another actor?

Couldn't I just play twins?

I'm Jack Dakota.

Well, actually, that's his stage name. My real name is Yvonne.

The Unrelenting.

That's funny.

He's funny.

You're funny.

And you're Sybil Sheridan.

You've already got the part. My agent said I should kiss up to you.

I'm all over that.

Okay, let's do the scene.

Divorced.

Sybil.

You said that out loud.

Hey, can we just do the scene?

Uh, Lyme?

This isn't human.

This isn't human.

You don't know that.

Lyme?

Okay, thank you very much.

Oh, thanks. Well, I guess this is the part where I keep on talking.

to cover that embarrassing silence until I get out the door, which would be now.

Amy, what are you doing? He was it.

He's the wrong type. I want tall. I want blonde.

Come on, Amy. We have chemistry.

My knees are shaking.

Trust me, these knees don't lie.

Sybil, I can't hire somebody because of your knees.

Give me another shot.

My knees don't lie either.

Okay, go get him.

I think the alien went in here. Yeah, then we should be going out there.

There. Get in here.

Remember, this life form is lethal.

It's a killing machine.

The most efficient killing machine in the universe.

This is a good time to ask you out.

Well, dude, did you ever start to think that maybe there's something beyond just

you in this universe?

Now, hold on.

Okay. No.

See ya.

Wait!

You're not going anywhere.

Oh, you think you're the only one who can slam a door.

Well, I can slam a door.

This is not slamming your door.

This is slamming your door. Oh, that's just great. Wake up the killing machine,

why don't you? Listen, I didn't want to work with you. Listen to me, Blondie

Blonde, I'm tired of your yammering. I'm telling you, the scariest thing is

we're out to you. And don't call me Blondie Blonde. I'm leaving.

No, I'm leaving. No, I'm leaving. No, I'm leaving.

I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I'm leaving.

God, that's it.

God, that was great.

Sibyl, you know how to slam things.

You're not a slam -flout yourself.

Do you want me as much as I want you?

More. But wait, Jack, we can't do this. This could be the best chance we ever

get. We're just a couple of horny actors.

Lowly! I meant lowly actors.

Be for yourself. I'm horny. We can't. Sex changes everything. We could ruin

chemistry and Amy would fire us. She would?

She could.

This is her show. She has all the power.

Well, who cares?

Take me to the mountaintop, Angel Baby!

You're right.

Maybe we shouldn't.

What the... You

know, Amy, powerful women turn me on.

Let me ask you something.

Do you want me as much as I want you?

Well, I hadn't really thought about it.

But since it's the weekend, yeah.

Do you believe him?

I hope I'm making this ribbon bouquet all right.

I'd have a lot more confidence had I seen the way they did it at my shower.

But I didn't have one.

I didn't have a shower.

I mentioned that.

Ooh!

Work is unbearable. First, Jack is sleeping with Amy. Then she's listening

all his ideas.

Now he's got all the great scenes that I spent last week's episode locked in the

trunk of a car.

And you were brilliant.

A lot of brown towels. Egyptian cotton.

Ooh.

Sybil and Marianne.

Ooh.

And if that's not bad enough, Jack is sleeping with other women behind Amy's

back. Sybil, would you pass me that?

Ooh.

I just wanted to see that card. What are you oohing at?

The salad spinner.

We liked it so much, we want to see it again.

Thanks, honey. How you doing?

I have crepe paper bells hanging in my living room. How do you think I'm doing?

I made punch and sponge cake. You owe me big time.

Hey, look, everybody. It's the groom.

I'm not comfortable with the oohing. I thought I was supposed to pick up a

Yeah, you were. I lied to get you here a little early.

Oh, honey, look what the gals in the office gave you.

A fur jock strap.

Eww.

Okay, that's way too girly for me. I'll just wait in the hall and start a war or

something.

Okay, everybody, let's move it along here. I've got a bar mitzvah coming in

six. Who wants cake?

No, no, no, no, sweetie.

That's too soon. Cake is at six.

I've written it all out for you right here in my wedding planner.

So for that, I'm not releasing the doves.

This is great.

This is the best shower I ever went to. It's even better than the ones I never

gave Rachel.

Is my pain funny to you, Mother?

Excuse me.

I love your show, but I wanted to ask you something. What's going on with your

character? She used to be so interesting, and now she spends whole

locked in a trunk.

I love your dress.

I've seen it all over town.

Well, at least that Jack guy is still good.

Now I know you're depressed.

Even your hiss lacks luster.

What am I supposed to do?

The network loves him. And like Betty Davis said, if you're a man and you

up for yourself, you're admired.

But if you're a woman and stand up for yourself, you're a bitch.

I know.

Let's hire someone to have that writer and Jack whacked.

It's not her fault.

She doesn't know how Jack's using her. I don't think anyone's told her.

I haven't told her.

Why haven't I told her?

I should go tell her.

Oh, sure. Take the high road. Very civilized. But the low road is a lot

fun. Let me go with you. No way. You have to stay here and ooh for the both

us.

Don't worry.

I'll throw you another shower next week and we'll have a much better time.

I'm just so sorry to put you all through this. I mean, the neighborhood, the

cheese cubes, it's just all so tacky.

Oh, Holly.

Here's your punch. Oh, sweetheart, thank you. That is so thoughtful of you.

Kiss, kiss.

Yeah, kiss.

Okay, Amy, I'm here to be a bitch.

Okay.

I want to talk about what's wrong with my character.

Sybil, I love you. Can we talk about this later? I'm busy rewriting.

Get the hell out.

I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice.

Milk chocolate.

The kind we ate the night you told me what you wanted this show to be.

We're going to eat this chocolate together, and we're going to eat it now.

Sybil, I cannot be swayed by chocolate.

Does it have the nuts?

Get the hell out.

Remember how we talked about how strong the woman character would be?

Mmm, nuts.

Oh, you're evil.

I'm surprised the chocolate works so fast. I'm too menstrual.

Okay, now, Amy, the problem with the show... Sybil, this isn't about the

You're upset because I'm seeing Jack and he rejected you. This has nothing to do

with Jack. It's about the direction the show is taking.

He said he rejected me?

Yeah, didn't he?

Yeah, but you see, it's kind of complicated because I rejected him

rejected me last.

Please, sit down.

Let me explain.

We're all in a very complicated love triangle.

I know, because we talked about this a lot in my group therapy.

Wait, you told all the people that Jack rejected me? It's okay, you're safe. If

there's a leak, I got a ton of stuff on them.

This is not a triangle.

Because I'm not a part of it. You and Jack are in a biangle.

And there's something you should know about him.

He doesn't really care about... the show.

Sybil, you could not be more wrong about Jack.

Okay.

Low road. We'll do it Marianne's way.

It's Marianne.

My therapist.

So when this producer called and said they wanted us to do a movie together, I

thought, why let our petty differences wreck this opportunity?

Listen, here's $100. You don't know me. I'm a big, important movie producer. For

$100, you're my wife.

Hey, Dusty Madigan, Dreamstar Productions. Thanks for saying that at

notice. Dreamstar, I love your films.

You're the ones who did... Terminator. Little Women.

Little Terminator women.

Small ladies, big guns.

Made a fortune overseas.

Anyway, we're here to discuss an action -adventure film, but with heart.

Die Hard meets Bridges of Madison County.

It does?

I get to blow up Meryl Streep?

ladies room and be a lady in that room.

Yeah.

Arnold.

Arnold.

How's Budapest, Bubula?

How's Maria?

Told you I'd buy you lunch.

you say you have something important to tell me? Then you sneak me in here and

make me call a woman who thinks I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now I'm eating a

Caesar salad in the toilet.

This is more bizarre than my blind date with Mickey Rourke.

Mine too.

Just keep listening.

Sorry. Business call.

Still on hold.

You know, I like a woman.

Who can make things happen.

And I like a man who can uncork Merlot with his teeth.

Is that Heidi Slice?

No.

Looked like her.

Excuse me.

Aren't you the star of life forms?

Why, yes, I am.

Does eating a salad in the bathroom have something to do with the aliens?

Amy?

The croutons contain a magnesium trace element which will enable her to pick up

on the magnetic energy field of alien life forms if one should enter.

You are good.

Jack, trust me, this movie is going to be big.

I see your picture in every magazine. I see you owning one of those Planet

restaurants.

Wait, I'm not... Sounds like the phone's getting farther away.

What? Oh, no!

No!

Excuse me, this is not the salad bar.

Take this and put it back on my table. It's the one over...

We're thinking of using that wonderful woman who created your show.

Dusty, it's the guy's film.

She's a girl writer.

Listen, if it wasn't for my input on life form, she'd write every episode

shopping for shoes.

I'm a girl writer who writes about shoes?

I'm angry.

How angry?

Firing him angry?

Angrier than that time my parents got drunk and my mother threw up on my

graduation cake angry.

Wow. Must be hard to save a party after something like that.

Powerful women really turn me on.

Look who I found.

Hey, babe.

How's it going?

This is, um... My best friend, Marianne.

You weren't posing as a producer again, were you? Bad Marianne. Bad, bad

Marianne. Oh, did I leave my phone? in the bread basket so our whole

conversation could be heard by someone listening in the ladies' room again.

Amy, Sybil set me up because she's jealous. Jack, you're fired.

Now, that might not seem like a big speech to you, but I'm an adult child of

alcoholics, and that took me 12 years of recovery.

You can't fire me.

Watch me, ladies.

Don't be a stranger. Pick up a bread basket. Give me a call.

Powerful women really turn me on.

Bitch.

Why, thank you.

I woke up this morning and I knew exactly how to get rid of Jack's

Alien abduction. No fuss, no mud.

No fuss, no mud.

Perfect.

Jack, what are you doing here?

And who's the moose on my desk?

Hey, it's my pal.

Buddy Axel, he's a TV writer, too.

Man -created space hooters.

Charming.

Slime. Hey, show a little respect, Sergeant Pepper.

Buddy's your new boss.

What? Yeah.

Network decided I was a little more important to the show than some girl

Having a lot of conflicting feelings, many of them homicidal.

Look at this bright side, ladies.

Sybil. You get to work with me and Buddy.

Amy, you have a lot more time to shop for shoes.

Listen, Jack, I don't know what you and the Missing Link have planned, but I'm

telling you, my character is going to stay a strong, smart, and independent

woman. Oh, yeah.

Don't worry, Amy. They haven't seen the end of us.