Original subtitles

Tell us where you got the piece, dollface.

Don't call me dollface, copper.

Mrs. Norman Anderson, the second. The second, huh?

Well, we got you for murdering the first, so don't bother taking the fifth,

because you've got no alibi for the twelfth.

Yeah, but I don't know who's on third.

Besides, it ain't a crime to love gangland pizza.

You can't blame me for wanting a piece. Not that piece.

This piece.

We found it lying next to your boyfriend's corpse.

Oh, in that case, could I see my lawyer?

Cut!

Great job, Sybil.

Thanks, J .J.

Hey, this tastes a little funny.

Sure, it has shellac on it.

I was afraid it was anchovies.

Loving one!

And them taking that bow.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it, won't you tell me

how?

Hurry up, Sybil. My show about Dr. Dick is on television in five minutes.

Marianne, we've already seen it four times, but it's not a show.

It's a half -hour hate fest filled with anyone willing to trash Dr. Dick on

public access.

Hey, his mother came to me.

I like the special effects, especially the part where Dr.

Dick's head explodes and thousands of spiders pour out.

How did you do that?

Well, without getting too technical, I spent a couple of his big alimony

Money well spent.

How do you like it? I wish I knew. Nobody's seen him for five days. The

even called me to see if I knew anything.

Plastic surgeon leaves Beverly Hills to hide a tummy tuck season. I don't know,

but if he's gone much longer, Cher's going to have to put up scaffolding

herself.

Simple, where's your television?

Where's my VCR?

Where's my microwave?

I've been robbed.

I'm being robbed!

Let's get out!

Wait! What if there's somebody else outside? Let's hide in the basement.

Wait! We don't have a basement.

Or an attic.

Or even... a decent guest room. Come to think of it, this place is a dump.

I'm trapped by a burglar in a dump.

Remind me to hurt you for that sometime when I'm not so scared.

There he goes!

robbery that took my TV, my VCR, and my best friend's dignity.

It's Ira and Jeff.

This expensive new alarm system was supposed to be sensitive to unwanted

intruders. I'm surprised Jeff's high karate didn't set it off.

Hey, Sim, Zoe told us what happened. Gosh, it must make you crazy to have

space violated like that.

I've been there myself.

Someone once trespassed my property, snuck up onto my porch and stole my

Times. Does the suffering never end for your people?

Exterior three.

Exterior three.

I guess it's something out back.

Well, it is the middle of the day. It's probably nothing. Just ignore it.

My hero.

Call in the alarm company and see what's going on. Come on, let's check it out.

If it's anyone dangerous, Jeff, just run.

Remember, you only have to be faster than Ira.

Hey, you know, now that you broke up with Marianne, why don't we go out and

some women? I know a couple great places.

Oh, like you're some cat, Nova.

I do very well all by myself, thank you.

You know, maybe you're right.

I always wind up in these meat markets filled with women looking for

short -term relationships.

Pick me up at 8.

A lot of criminals return to the scene of the crime.

If he does, I hope he brings back that rental tape I left in the VCR.

Just promise me you won't throw another bottle of vodka.

Don't do that. I frighten easily.

Who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing in my house?

I'm from Goliath Security.

Your back door is open.

I'm from Brentwood. Your barn door is open.

I once knew a guy who left his back door open and got an unexpected visitor.

They found his head in Hollywood and his body in Bogota. How scary is that?

Maybe that's why the police are having such trouble finding Dr. Dick. They keep

looking for all of him in one place.

Okay, something tripped your exterior alarm?

Probably an animal.

You know, like a dog or a big badger.

The guy I work with got bit by one of those. How scary is that?

You were sent to protect me? How scary is that?

Well, I guess home security is like sex, Marianne. If we want it done right,

we'll have to do it ourselves.

What? Detective Mark Dooley, LAPD. I'm looking for Marianne Thorpe. Her

housekeeper told me I could find her here.

Well, she just left.

And if you hear about my missing ex -husband, I didn't do it.

Oh, no, no. You're double parked. Oh, thank goodness.

I'm kidding.

Of course you're a suspect.

There's business you can't laugh.

You'll go crazy.

Go ahead, ask your questions. My client has nothing to hide.

You a lawyer?

No. But I was the bulimic patent attorney on Matlock.

Told him he had been missing for a few days. Big deal.

Well, there was some evidence of a forced entry at his house.

His desk was ransacked.

And, uh, the words, Die, Dr. Dick, were keyed into the side of his Mercedes.

A Mercedes thing? Months ago.

And if another person just happened to help her out a little, they wouldn't be

in any trouble, would they?

What if Dr. Dick really has met with foul play?

What would I do with my days? Who would I plot against? Who would sign your

alimony check?

Wait! I know what's going on.

Dr. Dick is setting me up.

His disappearance is retribution for my television stunt. Oh, now he really must

die.

She's kidding.

But I don't have to tell you.

You're the cop with the wacky sense of humor.

Look at all these unbelievable women.

It's like I've died and gone to, well, Los Angeles, but the way it is on MTV.

Did they tell you I'd take care of you?

Where's the bar?

Hi.

My name is Misty, and I'm an alcoholic.

Who's that, Misty?

An AA meeting?

What, are you crazy?

What are we doing here?

Isn't it great? They introduced themselves.

Jeff, this is wrong.

People come here to get sober because it's a safe environment.

Wait a second. What's wrong with dating a woman who doesn't drink?

Booze is the most expensive part of the meal.

I'm out of here. Say hi to Satan for me.

Hey, where are you rushing off to?

You know, you should give it a chance.

It gets easier.

I know, you don't understand. I don't have a drinking problem.

Yeah, I used to say the same thing.

Um, you want to grab a cup of coffee, talk?

My name's Lana.

Lana, that's a pretty name.

Look, uh, if I don't turn up to be a sloppy drunk, you won't be too

disappointed, will you?

Forever one.

Forever one. Forever three. Forever three. Leave the premises immediately.

Great idea!

One question!

How? He's probably coming up the stairs, you idiot!

I'm talking to my alarm.

You turned that thing off?

I gave you the code. Why didn't you use it? I don't listen to what you say.

Usually it doesn't matter.

So, if I were a thief, what would you have done? Rid me of unsightly

Oh, sure. It's easy for you to laugh about it. You're only 18.

Why are you running around at 10 o 'clock at night anyway?

I'm not old.

Here. I came to return this.

You walked right into my house with a blender and the alarm company hasn't

called yet.

If you were a killer, I'd be a margarita by now.

What are you afraid of, a serial bartender?

We're all vulnerable, Missy.

And you especially, because you live in one of the worst parts of town.

Even a $5 ,000 alarm system can't really keep us safe. You spent $5 ,000 for

that kind of money? I'd put a chain around my neck, sit on the front lawn

act like a rabid dog.

Is this your way of telling me you want to move back home?

Who is it?

I'm sorry to bother you, but my car broke down and I was wondering if I

use your phone.

Why not? I'm here all alone just counting my money.

What gave me away?

That's your Mrs. Piggle Wiggle voice.

It took me 12 years to get that thing out of my head, and now it came

back.

What do you want?

Oh, I brought someone over to meet you.

He's a little shy.

Zoe would buy meat.

Safety man!

You can put him in your car. You can put him in your house.

So if anyone is scoping you out, they'll think you're with someone.

Yeah, a stalker with glaucoma, maybe.

Well, he's better when he's dressed.

And... 84 % of potential assaults are averted when the perpetrator thinks that

the victim is not alone.

Plus, he's a hell of an answer.

Hello, my honey.

Hello, my baby.

Hello, my ragtime gal.

Mom, that dummy is not living in my house.

Oh, yes, he is.

And you're going to take self -defense with me.

I have a friend who is going to teach us the fine art of kicking someone's ass.

This is a person you do not want to meet in a dark alley.

Zoe,

put that magazine down.

You can't scare an assailant with a picture of Macaulay Culkin going through

puberty.

All right, now, here's the deal, girls. 1 .3 women are assaulted every minute.

But we don't have to be victims. We're strong enough to use aggression to

ourselves.

Are there any questions so far?

Yeah.

What's Carol Burnett really like?

How refreshing.

You know, I don't think I've ever been asked this. question before.

Marianne, you promised.

Let me ask you girls a question. How would you stop a man from rushing

you? Ask him for a commitment.

If you are attacked, the first thing you should do is lie down.

Women are much more successful with men on the ground using their legs. Tell me

something I don't know.

You're right. The only action your legs have seen lately is running to the 7

-Eleven for olive.

You know that Sally Kellerman has a dog grooming business on the side?

Why don't you all grab something that you'd like to wrestle with?

I've got little William's clown, and he's tough.

See? You knock him down, and he just keeps coming back.

Sort of like your ex -husband.

All right, you give me those, and you girls stand over there.

Now, let's assume that the assailant has your hands, so you can't use your arms.

So put them up.

I'm so glad Cosby's back.

Now, the object here is to drop to the ground and overpower your assailant with

your leg.

Ready, set, go.

Oh, my God, it's a

Lamaze class on acid.

Look, Big A, look at me.

Look how good.

And I can't get a date.

Is it good for you, too, darling?

That was fun and everything.

But what if my attacker is not a blow -up toy?

I mean, what if he's got a gun?

Well, the only way to stop someone with a gun is to shoot him first.

Do you own a gun? Oh, hell yeah.

Well, it's L .A. You either have a gun or a talk show.

If they take my revolver away from me, I may have to move back to New York.

A lot of my women friends have guns.

You belong to one of those groups, don't you?

Churn your own butter and move your extended family to a cabin in Montana?

You listen here, young lady. Elizabeth Cady Stanton said women will continue to

be the victims of men until they learn how to use the weapons of men.

Vicki, does Carol pack heat?

Marianne, don't make me use these legs.

Detective Dooley, what are you doing here?

I'm selling cookies.

I need to see Miss Thorpe.

I'm afraid you're going to have to come down to the station with me for

questioning Miss Thorpe.

They found a pair of your white high heels stuck in the mud outside your ex

-husband's window.

Well, that proves I didn't do it. I would never wear white heels to kill

It's after Labor Day.

She's kidding. It's a joke. It's Shoe Stick.

Shoe Stick?

Shoe Stick!

I'm done. Guns are icky.

Well, I'm buying one.

When I fired that gun, I felt so empowered, so in control, so... Don't

me, punk!

You should try it again, Marianne. It's a much bigger buzz than popping that

clown with my gams.

I'm just not in the mood to do this.

That low -life, good -for -nothing rat dick.

Instead of his disappearance to torture me.

He tortures you when he's...

like this.

There is no one lower than Dick.

Dick.

Dick.

Dick. Dick.

Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick.

Wow!

Cool!

Look,

Ira, I know you got a moral problem with using the AA as a singles bar, so how

about we hit a couple of funerals?

See, most guys are a little hinky about going after a widow.

No. I feel bad enough I can't explain to Lana why I was at AA. She still thinks

I have a drinking problem.

Hit me and keep them coming.

Hey, boys. How's it hanging?

All right.

Marianne, you're yet? I don't hear the terrified screams of the villagers, so I

guess not.

I think it's about Zoe.

She took the self -defense course, but she won't carry the pepper spray, and

refuses to get a decent lock on her door.

It's like she trusts people.

Where did we go wrong, Ira?

What the hell is this? Hey, nice piece.

Thank you.

Your table is right over... Gone!

All right, citizens, return to your meals.

Everything's under control.

Well, Carrie, a concealed weapon is illegal.

And very sexy.

I just bought it, and I'm taking it home.

But I didn't want to leave it in the trunk of my car.

I swear, I've seen that parking attendant on Unsolved Mysteries.

Sybil. See that woman in the trench coat?

I think that's my mole from Cedars -Sinai.

She's going to help me to prove Dr. Dick isn't missing at all.

Let's see if it's her.

We have secret code phrases.

The rooster crows at midnight.

Sybil dyes her hair.

Sorry, I didn't know you'd be here.

I also tweeze. Go crazy.

These are surgical records.

Aha! Look.

Four procedures performed yesterday by Dr. Norman Large.

That's Dr. Dick's pseudonym. He's used it for years.

N. Large.

That's funny.

And that way, where after you laugh, you hate yourself.

I knew he was just trying to set me up by pretending to disappear.

N. Large, you're about to become deceased.

Hi.

Oh, God, Ira, you're drinking? No, no, it's not what you think. Yeah, I found

him like this.

I'm glad you're here to help.

Aren't you glad she's here to help, Ira?

Oh, Ira, it's okay. We all slept.

That's right, buddy.

Will you cut it out?

Listen, Lana, I'm not an alcoholic, and I never have been.

Jeff took me to that meeting because it's a good place to meet women.

That's the booze talking.

Ira, you'll like to meet.

No, Lana, please.

I'd never forgive myself if you started drinking and be good to me.

I'm not worth it.

Damn right you're not.

What?

Well, on the bright side, I just lost any desire I had to have sex tonight.

So, Dr.

Dick is harvesting organs from coma patients and selling them on the black

market. At least that's what I told the FBI.

The door's open.

The alarm didn't go off.

Maybe there was a power failure.

And the door got scared and opened itself?

Who could it be?

We just left Jeff and Ira. Kevin and Rachel are in Boston, and Zoe's at the

movies.

Bet it's that same burglar.

Do you think she's with Carol now?

This is safety, man. I gave him to Zoe.

And I don't think he drove over here by himself.

No, I drove him.

On the way we passed an Eldorado full of mannequins who tried to pick him up.

Zoe, why did you do this?

Do you know how messy this would have been if he'd been a real man?

I did it to teach you a little lesson. What lesson?

Beats me, but it's funny.

Hurtful, humiliating, and meaningless. Bravo. I wish I had a daughter.

Listen, Mom.

Keep your blow -up doll, keep your guns, and tell Vicki Lawrence to stop calling

me. I am not going bear hunting with her.

Bear hunting?

Do you think that Carol... Shut up!

Alas, poor safety man. I knew him well.

So young, so full of hot air.

Which part of a man would you rather have, neck up or neck down?

Who's the man?

Sean Connery.

Neck up.

Love the accent.

Mel Gibson.

Ooh, tough choice.

Can we split him the other way? What other way?

Ew, what's wrong with you?

Say, can I have this?

Sure. Why, she asked, deeply fearing the response.

Nothing so odd. I was just thinking it would be a hoot to mount his head on the

wall. Mount his head on the wall? Wouldn't that be a little uncomfortable?