Original subtitles

I can still see my husband giving the address.

At Gettysburg, Mr.

Lincoln spoke most beautifully.

Did you know he was tall?

Tea?

Very,

very tall.

Relax, everybody.

I saved the play.

Call the Tony Committee.

Best one -word performance in a three -hour play.

Thank you.

Okay.

What's the best?

The best is you could understudy Joan Hayden for years without ever going on.

But I might go on and marry Todd Lincoln as a career maker.

This is the break I need to get a new agent.

Full house.

King's over seven.

Come to mama.

Bless you.

Oh, Joan, you're not getting sick, are you?

No, just kidding.

Do you know I've never missed a single show ever?

When I was playing Blanche Dubois, got the flu, kept going. Got pneumonia, kept

going.

Cranial fracture, kept going.

I'm just studying, not interested. Keep going.

Loving one who loves you, and then taking that vow.

Nice work if you can get it, and if you get it, won't you tell?

to deflect your attention while we sneak in.

The place looks great, doesn't it, Marianne?

Absolutely. All this adorable secondhand furniture while the place just screams

tetanus shot.

Mother, you promised me you'd call first.

I did, but your machine didn't pick up.

I don't have a machine.

Now you do.

Oh, I don't want this. If people can leave messages, they get all anal about

other people calling them back.

Hey, Louie, I wanted to do some laundry. Do you have some quarters for the

washer and some dollars for lunch?

I just gave you a ten last night.

I spent it.

Well, you know, you can get 20 for blood plasma over by the bus depot.

Funny. Oh, hey, by the way, your pimp called.

See, another reason you should have an answering machine.

Nina, would you take Marianne and show her the terrace?

Terrace? Or one of those sad little tar roofs with a broken hibachi.

Do you want to see it or not?

So, a little tension.

Is there something you want to tell me about you and Nina?

Yeah.

We're vampires, and we're a little tense because we were draining the blood from

the body when you barged in.

I love it when you open up to me.

Come on, you can tell me. Roommate problems?

Don't start reading into things. Nina's my best friend. I love living here. It's

perfect. Thank you for the tour, Nina.

Do give me a call if you're able to pry my shoe out of the tart.

Well, it was great seeing you, too, but... Bye.

Zoe, wait.

We thought we'd take you to lunch. You can pick a place, or Nina can pick a

place, or we could all pick a place and pickle peppers.

Don't you have some place to go?

Don't you have some place to live?

I'm on the phone with the William Morris Agency.

Linda! Hi, it's Sybil Sheridan.

Listen, I am understudying Joan Hayden in What Now, Mrs. Lincoln.

I know, she's never missed a... Yeah, yeah.

Peter Pan with a broken hip, I know.

Ow!

Stupid little plastic people!

Oh, not you, Linda!

I do hope you'll come if I go on.

Stop laughing. It could happen.

I'm going to miss that adorable noise when you move out and have the house to

myself, which will be when again?

Good afternoon, all.

Ah, Mother Sheridan.

Here is my latest attempt to repay you for letting us move in.

You made a map of my kitchen?

Oh, this will come in handy. I get lost by the toaster all the time.

I've reorganized the cabinets and devised a system for alphabetizing the

they're in.

Where the hell are they all at?

Sector G -47.

Sector G -47.

Sorry, Marianne. Nobody gets into Sector G -47 without security clearance.

Let me get this straight.

You made a map instead of going to an employment agency?

We've been through this, Rachel. I sent him my resume. I'm handling it.

And in fairness, I don't need to be unemployed and unable to find the

Crunch.

Can you believe him, Mom? He's completely...

I would really love to help you, but I dragged myself out of two marriages. No

way am I going to drag myself into yours.

I'll get that on my way out.

I'd better go before that strung -out yuppie tries to file me on a shelf

malamides and mucilics.

It's probably Ira. You okay with that? No biggie. No biggie? If you break up

way you divorce, at some point I'll be driving a tank through Ira's living

So, well, do I look like someone who would hold a grudge?

Hi, Ralph. How nice to see you. Nice to see you, too.

Oh, look, it's denial day in the neighborhood.

Why? We're two mature people.

We dated, we realized she was clinically insane, and we moved on.

Good. Glad to see you're over your judgmental streak.

I want to talk to you about Zoe. Have you noticed any tension between her and

Nina? Oh, no. I'm not getting involved in this.

I finally made my peace with Zoe moving out, and now I think it's time for us to

let her deal with her own problems.

Aren't you worried that she feels trapped in a living situation she hates?

I never worried about it when she lived here.

Are you saying that Zoe has a problem neither one of us should get involved?

That's exactly what I'm saying. Okay, I'll just handle it myself.

I hate that laugh.

Where's John Luxbooth when you really need him, huh, Ace?

Don't touch it. It's broken.

Quick, get her out of that dress.

Just another award -winning performance by the legendary Joan Hayden.

Nice. What do you do on your day off?

Go to a pet store and pull the whiskers off kittens?

You should have seen your face. Quick, get her out of that dress.

That's it, Hayden. From now on, you want coffee, you go to...

Why?

Why? Because I love you.

I was talking to God.

I probably called your answering machine. Nobody ever picked up.

Oh, they must not have plugged it in at the pawn shop.

Good luck haunting these.

My banana nut muffins with your very favorite special ingredient dried

And a healthy dose of vitamin L.

Loathing.

Lard.

Lithium.

Love, silly.

Ooh, brand new laser disc player. Where'd that come from?

Oh, it's Nina's. Apparently she can put that on her mother's American Express

card, but not her half of the rent.

Oh, I know exactly what you're going through. I once had a roommate named

who spent all her money... on perfume.

She loved Charlie.

Mother, I wasn't fishing for one of your long I can relate stories.

I'm just saying I got evicted because my roommate had to be kind of fresh. Kind

of wow.

You're still here?

Okay, no more stories.

But call me anytime on my cell phone. I want you to know I'm there for you. Mom,

I know you're there for me. I just don't want you there with me.

I hear you, Zoe.

Well, I'm gonna go now.

You want some muffins at least?

Sure? Tough.

Zoe won't let me into her life, and Rachel won't let me out of hers.

If I could somehow graft them together, I'd have the perfect mother -daughter

relationship and a great sideshow attraction.

Speaking of carnival oddities, I once saw a man who was born without a spine.

Wait, why am I telling you? You were married to him.

Oh, here it comes, the ritual ex -bashing. Whatever happened to you and

the amicable breakup?

It was totally amicable.

I amicably realized I was totally wasting my time on an arrogant ass.

Incidentally, this whole debacle is on your head.

Friends don't let friends date freaks.

Yeah, it's my mistake.

All those years I was telling you Ira's impossible, you were hearing, Goody,

maybe I can date him when she's done.

What is it with you?

Muffin to the crumb. Ouch.

Mr. Lincoln is floating above me.

He has come for me.

And our son is with him.

Daddy.

Abraham.

Oh, wait for me.

Nice muffin, Sip.

I hope you're talking about my baked goods.

That ought to hold.

Oh, muffins.

I brought those for the crew.

Help yourself.

Banana nuts.

My favorite.

Don't you hate matinee days when you have to do two shows? It must be

tiring for you.

Tea.

Tea.

What's in this?

Well, they're banana nut muffins. So I took a chance. Went with the bananas,

nuts. And some dried apricots.

Apricot? Apricots.

Who puts apricots in banana nut muffins?

See, Joan, that's that overacting thing I was talking about. Allergic.

Can't breathe.

Desperate for attention.

Somebody call 911.

So the big star wants to play games.

Oh, no.

Joan can't go on. Now I finally got my big chance.

Okay, you got me again. Now get up and gloat.

I'm turning blue.

Joan.

Whoa, this is way better than your fake sneeze.

That foaming at the mouth is a nice touch.

Joan?

Joan?

Joan's back tomorrow, so I'm only crazy tonight.

As Mrs. Lincoln, that is.

Okay, I'll leave a ticket for your boss under William Morris. Thanks, bye.

Show business is so cold.

The agents are still interested in you even after you poison the star.

I didn't poison her. He's allergic to apricots.

I'm not saying that if I knew, I wouldn't have used apricots, but that's

different story.

Rachel! Great news!

He got a job! He got a job!

You got a job! You got a job!

Better.

I have had... an epiphany.

Okay, is it a paying epiphany?

and finally realized that it isn't what you know that counts, it's who you know.

And all the people worth knowing play golf.

So I have just been hitting balls all afternoon.

So you took a golf to get a job? Yes. Oh, Rachel,

this just really feels right.

Uh -huh.

Ma!

Would you please tell your sister to hook up that damn answering machine I

her? I can't even invite her to the play.

Mom, this is important. Kevin thinks he's going to find a job on a golf

Which is a crazier Mary Lincoln face?

This one?

Or this one?

Mother! Me, me, me! Listen to me!

Kevin needs to stop being so proud and take any job that he can find now.

I need you to tell him that. Rachel, I told you I can't get involved in your

marriage. Tell your husband exactly what you told me. And tell him, we're going

to have to shoot Thundercloud, Abraham.

I know he was your favorite of the horses.

Good, huh?

Wait till you see it with the wig and the skirt.

And the crazy face.

Ow, ow. Take it easy. Take it easy.

I'm eating too many beer nuts, especially when I play poker with the

No kidding. Looks like you've got a full house here.

And Joe's dress is tiny.

I guess mean people don't eat a lot.

this isn't William Morris.

Oh, you're from William Morris.

You think Linda Ross is coming?

Great. Thank you so much.

I'm going to get an agent.

I'm going to get an agent.

So, I tell Kevin what you told me to tell him and I can't even tell you what

told me to tell you and then I kicked him out of the car.

Thanks for ruining my life.

Does this mean you only need one ticket because it looks bad if there are any

empty seats?

Thank you for driving.

Oh, voila.

We were both going to the same place.

As friends.

That's right. I'm proud of us.

I'm proud of us, too.

So you're from William Morris?

Yes. I'm here to see Sybil Sheridan. What a coincidence. I'm an actor. Right

I'm playing the part of an usher.

Right this way.

Can I say one thing about the drive to the theater? As a friend.

When you turn, you might want to use your signal so the other cars won't have

use the sidewalk so much.

Thank you, Ira. You're welcome.

By the way, when you're the driver, it's extremely annoying when the passenger

grabs your arm and screams, we're going to die.

Do you mind?

That's my armrest.

Oh, really?

Places. We're pulling for you, Sybil. Thanks.

Ow! I cannot believe you kicked me out of the car.

You bit my hoop skirt. You are a dead man.

How'd you get here, Kevin? On one of your little golf carts?

Oh, that's right.

Emasculate me. Come on.

It's always about your penis, isn't it?

Oh, I will... Knock it off!

You're driving me insane! Two acts too soon!

Go! Sit!

Applaud!

I would love to, but your charming daughter tore up my ticket!

Well, just sit right down here now!

And they will beat you at the end of the thing!

Mrs. Lincoln had it easy. At least when her kids put her in the hospital, they

left her alone.

And here comes your frail and lovely wife now.

have to shoot Thunder Cloudy for him.

I know he was your favorite of the horses.

I can't believe it's an understudy. Just my luck.

Hey, you mind?

Yes, I mind. I paid 50 bucks for this ticket.

Maybe you should have spent the money on a muzzle.

And a chin implant.

I had that handled, Marianne.

Shh, yourself.

I'm just saying, you shouldn't be so picky. Take any job you can get.

Do you think I don't want a job? If we don't get out of your mother's house

soon, I'm going to go crazy.

And as a doctor of psychology, I think I'm in a position to know that.

Oh.

Do you realize how long it's been since we've been in a room alone?

We're alone right now.

Beer nuts. Need some more beer nuts.

Wish I hadn't seen that.

Oh, darling.

You'll take the world from me.

All will be dark and silent.

Endless silence.

Unless you have diabetes, put that away.

Don't make me come over this seat.

Quiet.

Hey, just watch the show, Candy Girl.

I happen to be with the William Morris Agency.

I am a guest of the star.

And isn't she riveting?

Oh, that's so hard when it's your best friend. Look, I really want to talk to

you about it. But not now. I'm on stage playing Mary Todd Lincoln.

And I'm doing great.

The Caesar has passed.

And now I must go to the gathering throngs that have gathered.

Get me signed to a major agency.

My hat.

I gave it to you.

My funeral hat. I must have left it in my dressing room. Quick.

telegogic from the future.

And now I must go.

Zoe, I told you this is not a very good time.

I'm sorry, darling. I didn't realize the phone was still on the stage.

Just wanted you to know I'm sitting next to the agent and she is loving it.

Sybil is also very good in the importance of being earnest. Will you

leave me alone?

I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave.

Who, me?

You too, sir. Me?

She started it. Do you mind? We're trying to watch a play.

And my heart is heavy with... No!

Come back!

Come... Back, my poor Mr. Abe Lincoln.

Who's dead.

Come back.

of Gloria's over.

God, I hated that corset. And I hated that wig.

And I got so sick of that stinking Lincoln.

I'm sorry we ruined your performance.

I don't know about ruined. I liked the part I saw.

Zoe! You made it!

How long have you been here?

Intermission.

You know, you play a crazy lady really well.

You remind me of my mom.

Sorry it didn't work out with Nina.

But you know, that doesn't necessarily mean your friendship is over.

Remember my old roommate Sheila I was telling you about? Believe it or not,

I actually do want to hear this, but right now I've got to get out to the

parking lot.

Some agent has downed a headlock.

Well, Sybil, how did you like being the first lady of the American theater for

one night?

Actually, it was kind of fun.

Till my ass started ringing.