Original subtitles

Oh, dear.

What a pity.

One of their players has kicked one of ours.

And he's handled the ball as well.

Oh, look.

I do hope the referee is going to give us a penalty.

Oh, he's not.

What a silly old sausage he is, to be sure.

He's going to give us an indirect free kick.

Oh, lackaday.

I thought we'd have to take the small horse.

Hill Show, and here he is, the man himself, Bernie Hill!

My father had the biggest clean -salt fishing boat in Greece, and so all of my

childhood days were spent in a cliff -top house where we would overlook the

and where frequently we'd overlook the rent.

The day that I was born, all my father's fishing friends came round to ascertain

the newborn baby's weight.

Half a kilo, said me dad, and they murmured, oh, how sad. It seems you only

got back your bait.

Now I had seven sisters, all older than me. I swear they hand me down to school,

you see.

One day my teacher wore a dress identical to mine, and he was even more

than me.

Dad said, now you're 21, it's time you found a wife, my son. A Greek girl, or a

Czech, or a Pole, or Turks.

Since then I've travelled round the world and I've been looking for a girl

proud to have her husband go to work.

But when I'm away and I hear bazookas play, I recall those happy days down by

the sea.

And the lovely girls from Crete, so gentle and so sweet, I wish that they

dance again with me.

In England Anne -Marie showed me her cottage by the sea and there was Ivy

clinging to the porch.

I sensed immediately that Ivy was the girl for me. She'd seen more romance

a copper's torch.

Now I told George, her brother, I took Ivy and her mother to the Cheddar Caves

for a picnic for a treat.

Oh, that's marvelous, said George. And did you see the devil's gorge? I said,

no, I can't stand watching people eat.

Oh, for when I am away and I hear Pazuki's play, I recall those happy days

by the sea and the lovely girls who treat.

Little Reed, I wish they would dance again with me.

Now, I spent three weeks in Malta with an organ grinder's daughter because I

liked to have her monkey around.

She was a sexy little pup. I tell you, she could trip you up and be underneath

before you hit the ground.

In Germany, Marlene told me she liked Bristol cream.

I bought her a bottle in Berlin.

She said, you really are a sport. Then she pulled out the cork and poured it on

her chest and rubbed it in.

But when I am awake and I hear you play, I get all those happy days down by the

sea. And the lovely girls who greet, so gentle and so sweet, once again they're

going to dance with me.

Oh, it's good to be home.

Radio says there's going to be a blizzard tonight.

And now, let's have a look at today's weather, shall we?

Ah, Dr.

Livingston, I presume.

Have you been out here a long time?

Warm sunshine. And tomorrow you can expect a temperature of 80 degrees.

So, bye -bye. Over to you, Paul.

80 degrees?

40 in the morning and...

Lovely and meaty, Bob, that.

Oh, lovely.

What's so meaty?

Put a little Jackie in there to enjoy it.

Darling,

I've missed you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You mustn't throw cigarettes out of the window like that. It's dangerous.

talking about the future.

Last appearance here at 10, we've had thousands of letters.

Asking to see him again.

Sir, here he is.

Our friend from across the channel, Gatot Leclerc.

Good body every evening.

And a special welcome to all the British people who are at this moment sitting

together in the privy of their own homes watching this television shower.

Bonsoir, Monsieur McGee.

Welcome to Thames Television.

It is an honor and a privilege.

It is an honor and a privilege for me. That's what I meant.

And, uh... Who are you? Pardon?

Who are you?

I am very well, thank you.

Very well. What can I call you?

You can call me any time you like.

She's smart, huh?

It is my sister Louise.

Yes. Have you had a chance to see some of the

sights of London this time? No, no. We have not seen Buckingham Palace.

The Convent Garden.

Cleopatra's Noodle.

You've seen them all?

I just told you, I haven't seen any of them.

I know, the ball.

Paul Ball.

Paul Ball.

No,

we have not seen any of the theaters in Shaftesbury Road.

Avenue? I just told you.

Part of your great, big, beautiful Metrolopis.

Why is that?

Well, when we arrived, Mama went to see the surgeon.

The surgeon, yes.

At the operating theatre.

No, at the old Vic theatre.

What sort of surgeon would she expect to find at the old Vic theatre?

Sir John Gilded.

But, but, but, but she could not take us. And now she has to go home to look

after her factory. She owns a factory?

Yes, but unfortunately at the moment all the workers there, they keep getting

the chips.

Getting the chips.

Because of all the onions.

The onions send the chips and they send the chips. Oh, the unions.

Yes. They have to fill in a form.

Yes, I think they would rather fill in the foreman.

But it is a piece of paper.

Every month they have to sign this piece of paper.

A ballot.

It's true.

She is getting them in tonight.

That's the foreman. And she has fired the foreman. She has given the foreman

fact because his work wasn't... Satisfactory?

Satisfactory? No, that's her factory.

Not his factory. No, no. And she got rid of him because he didn't... Satisfy.

Yeah, satisfy. She got rid of him because he didn't.

Satisfy.

Satisfy, she got rid of him. Now, I hear you won a song and dance competition.

What sort of prize did you get?

Oh, it was a book. It was a lovely book. It was all about the ancient Greek...

There was a lot of them, you know. There was Zeus and Anti -Rockles and old

dodgy knees.

And there was one giant and he only had one eye right in the middle of his head.

He was called Cycle Clip.

And there was Venus. And she rose up out of the sea.

Yes, and she have no clothes on.

She have no shoes.

And she have no stockings.

She have no dress.

She have no knickers.

She was completely knackered.

But she was pure and she was chaste. All over the place.

And then there was Pythagoras and Pythagoras had a theorem.

And it burst.

And it hurt.

And he invented algebra.

and arithmetic, and geometry.

Yes, because he hated children, you see.

He couldn't bear them.

He was sitting in the bath one day when he discovered something.

I've forgotten what it was, but it was probably only a little thing. But he got

out of the bath and he ran down the road.

And there was some workmen sitting by the side of the road.

And they were eating onion soup and garlic sausage.

And he ran up to them and said, Eureka!

Eureka! And they said, you don't smell so good yourself.

And he said, no, Eureka, I have it, I have it. And they told him what to do

it.

Well, I must say, that's most uninteresting.

Now, if you care to pop along and get ready.

Perhaps we'll be able to enjoy the talent of Gaston and Louise Leclerc.

When we stayed here from France, the waves were higher than a tree.

An Englishman who was feeling sick had the bunk right over me.

He cried out in a voice you could hear from London to Berlin.

He said, look out, so I looked out. I wish he said, look in.

We are going to a nice new school in Egermacht.

Monsieur Clay is my teacher, but she is very short.

Monsieur Clay, she is short? What a stupid...

You don't know your grammar. You don't know your taste.

We told our head that we could speak when we were one day old.

He said that's impossible, no matter what you've been told. So we opened up

history books and read from a page well -worn. The Count of Monte Cristo cursed

the day that he was born.

Are you ready for this?

much as a sudden stopping when I hit the ground.

Yeah, you all have had quite a journey.

Yeah, 400 miles, yeah. And there's not a lady's room inside. Did you think I

could just show you? Yeah, I wouldn't want a wife to hear about this, you

but before I married her, I used to court a waitress. God, she was big.

And a good part of Canada, too.

I went to ask her Paul for her hand.

I figured I'd get the rest of her anyway.

He asked me how much I made. I said $15 a month.

He said I wouldn't keep her in pocket handkerchiefs. I said I'll come back.

be another one along in a few minutes.

He's doing pretty good, huh? Yeah, he seems happy.

Yeah, well, I've got a letter from him here. I'd like to read it to you.

You'd like to sit down here and make yourself at home, would you? Come on,

like to talk to you.

Hey, hey, hey.

Get real comfortable.

Tell me how you like that.

There you go.

Terrific. Yeah, they're custom -made, you know. A bit more expensive, but

they're pretty good. My boy Jed here, he says, Dad, I've got a new cannery. Now,

how about that? Bought himself another.

I think that says canary.

Oh, yeah, but he's doing pretty good, you know, because he wouldn't lie to me.

This is all right.

No.

I'll kill ya!

Several times I've...

Keep your boots on low and loaded.

Oh, Jed!

Hi, neighbor.

Ma sent me over to inquire how you liked the pie she sent you. You tell your Ma

that pie was just right. Oh, how do you mean, just right?

Well, it would have been any worse if we couldn't have had it, and if it had

been any better, she wouldn't have given it to us.

You'd like to set a wire?

Yeah, gee, thanks, yeah.

Lips up!

How's the wife?

Is that her coffin?

No, that's the chicken shack we're making.

How often does she have them? Every five minutes.

Hey, what's the time?

You

feeling

better now?

Better out than in, that's what I always say.

Jack Garvey! Jack Garvey, I'm going to give you a piece of my mind.

You told me you bought 400 yards of picket fence in the fence off your land,

right? Well, I did.

And you told me my spread was the same size as yours, right?

Well, it is.

Well, I went out and I bought 400 yards of picket fence in your journey. When I

finished, I had 150 yards left over.

Well, bless my soul, so did I.

Yes, Johnny. I was going to give you a punch right on the nose. You do and I'll

bleed all over you.

And not only that, I will tell my brother about that moonshine you've been

hooking around. Oh, who the heck is your brother in?

is none other than Sheriff Jardine here.

You want to open a what? A brothel?

Why, ain't no one gonna want to eat broth in this heat, are they?

Hey, leave our way ahead in the bed.

Sorry, Sheriff. I overslept.

You sleep at home as well, do you?

Yeah. Ace, Ace speaking. Hey, do we know Ace speaking?

Yeah. Said thank you for stuck you telling rape.

Why, anybody who rapes a statue, deserves all he gets.

Yeah? If I turn a blind eye to real activities, you gonna give me one of

brand new Cadillacs in your showroom window?

Why, now that sounds to me a might like bribery.

Yeah? Ah, if you reduce them to $10 each and I buy one, that'll be okay, yeah?

Great.

Now, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. If it's a boy, I'll call it Billy after

me. And if it's a gal, I'll call it Lily after you.

But if, as I suspect, it's just a whole lot of wind, just a wind to break free,

then I'll call it Leroy after you.

Tea or coffee?

Tea.

Sugar?

Yes, sugar.

some monitors, and I've been taking small ones.

Well, you got the damn thing, ain't you?

Say, how's your pa?

Ah, he's okay, yeah. He's as strong as an ox, and almost as smart.

He's gonna outlive us all, little old boy, outlive us all.

I got the quinine, Pop.

Filbert, this ain't quinine, it's strychnine.

Is it much different? Is there much difference? Of course. there is, strict

means, ten cents a bottle dearer.

So it changes.

Can't get the doctor and he's my own son.

I'll try Bill.

So I said to him, I said, any bribe that you send me, go straight on that file.

And you know what he done?

Sent me two ton of coal.

And will you show a little dignity when you're out there, boy? I mean, if you

see that Salvation Army license, she says to you, have that a war cry.

Don't shout out Geronimo.

If you go past the convent and you see the Mother Shapiro, don't forget it is

good morning, Reverend Mother.

Not any friend of Batman's is a friend of mine.

Holy crap.

And don't go calling her that neither.

Yeah, Ma.

Well, I'll try to get through for you then, huh?

Undertaker, look at you, my dear.

when you wake up in the morning, and you'll be okay. So don't fret. It'll

Thank you, Doctor.

Great play. Not contagious.

Well, you know what?

I'm afraid he'll have to have an operation.

Yeah? Well, I don't know, about $5 ,000.

He's only got $500.

We can't do much for $500. I mean, we could touch up his x -rays.

Something like that, you know. But he's a confirmed drunk. Yes, he's a permanent

alcoholic. I mean, all the telltale signs are there.

Moldy shoes and a rusty zip.

I always tell you. His idea of a balanced diet is a highball in each

Well, preach yourself. What the hell do you know? Cause himself a doctor.

God, he thinks a bacteria is the rear entrance to a cafeteria.

You know something? For four years, he treats the guy for yellow jaundice and

then finds out he's a Chinaman.

Oh, dear. What the hell?

Yeah, what is it? Oh, hello, Mother.

Yeah, I didn't know. I didn't know that. was as bad as that.

I'll come over right away, Mother. I have to see another patient in your

anyway. I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone.

If anybody wants me, I'll be around at my paws.

At two o 'clock today, a dozen Marines will be coming around here.

I want you to get them to drop their pants and cough.

And you better get them to cough real loud.

Why? Then they won't hear your whistle.

Is he? Is he going to live?

Well, I can't be sure, Mother. Now, tell me the truth.

I've got to know.

I've just got to know.

I'm due for a new dress, and I don't know whether to get black or pink.

Well, well, well, my boys.

Albert.

Well, we named you Albert after Dr.

Albert Schweitzer.

You'd get a diet.

You were named after a long argument.

Bill, well, he called you Bill.

He arrived at the end of a month.

You, Philbert.

Well, it was your ma named you, Philbert.

Got all those beautiful saints' names to pick from, and you had to name him

after a nut.

Yeah.

I'm going fast now. Before I go to something, I've got to know. I mean,

Albert and Jed, they're fine boys. They're my sons and I'm proud of them.

But Philbert, God, he's so thin and puny and skinny.

There ain't hardly any meat on him at all.

Jenny, Jenny, tell me Philbert is not my son.

You want the truth?

Yeah. He is, Father 3A.

Good evening. Here's the newsflash.

And the presentation to Mr. Michael Hood of the Medal of the Legend d 'Honneur

was today cancelled when they were unable to find a French general willing

kiss him.

In Portugal, Professor Mavo, the world's last remaining human bomb, last night

went off on his honeymoon.

Doncaster, an agreement has finally been reached in the strike -bound factory

where 20 % of the workforce habitually arrived after the hooter had blown.

Henceforth, the last man in blows the hooter.

Owen was today severely reprimanded for sunbathing nude on an air ministry roof.

She explained that she was laying face down and could not be overlooked.

The defending officer said she was probably unaware that she was lying on

skylight window over the man's neck.

Mr. Peter Pike, the minister for strikes, deaths, and other

supposed to be insulting the people of Amanda.

The government here have taken exception to Mr. Pike's criticism that Amanda is

a backward country. And I must say that looking around me, I see no signs

whatsoever that these are a backward people.

Here in Amanda, the people can only wait, knowing that any moment now is

to be a military coup.

Coup!

But anti -British feeling, well, I for one have seen no evidence of it

whatsoever. For here, I have been welcomed by the inhabitants and

treated as a VIP by this charming, friendly and hospitable people in this

delighted country.

A country...

in which I, for one, could very happily end my day.

This is Nathan Whitefurch, News at Ten, Amanda.

Cascara Sagrada, the Italian chef, is once more in the news. You may remember

that in 1957, during the butter famine, he discovered that you could add axle

grease to butter without altering the flavor.

It tasted just like pure axle grease.

He created a pound and a half pizza containing only 100...

He says she must be witty, charming, intelligent, but above all...