Original subtitles

Blackmoor. This vast wasteland of bogs and marshes has, over the last 17 years,

claimed no fewer than...

Good

evening,

ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Benny Hill Show.

And here he is, Benny Hill.

Now, Doc sat in the emergency ward as nervous as could be.

Nurse Colleen said, what's that there just above your knee?

He said, oh, that's me scorn, ma 'am. She said, no, there's a scream.

For ten whole minutes, I've been trying to give it a saucer of cream.

Colleen, Colleen, I'll make it for you.

Colleen, Colleen, my heart...

She rubbed me some with liniment and it turned me some more red. I said, that

lady's smart, so she rubbed some on me head. And I put in deep teeth with me

knife and fork, she said, now never you mind. She went and she got a celery

stalk and we rolled them down one at a time.

Colleen, Colleen, oh, I'm making for you.

Colleen, Colleen, my heart's breaking.

for you.

Now she's got a touch of the fell pest and she acts in a very odd way. She

thinks that she's a chicken and she cackles all the day. Oh, send for the

psychiatrist. Her poor old father begs. But mom says let the girl alone. You

know we need the eggs.

For you.

For you.

Now we've married and we've settled in the cottage near about.

The bed, it is all broken and the spring is sticking out. But when I recall

those nights together, me heart, it wants to sing.

We kissed all through the winter and made love right through the spring.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies.

Thank you very much indeed.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know, a lot of people think that actors are vain and

conceited and self -centered, and they are.

But if you saw one of them going for a job, you wouldn't believe it.

Would you mind waiting outside, please, at the hall?

Thank you.

Hi, Harry.

Yeah. Yeah, a guy's just been for the part.

Yeah. Oh, about 26, 27.

Dynamic.

Strong white teeth.

Slim hips.

Yeah, that's the part. The guy they sent is 45 and fat.

Oh, I don't know, Harry. You look the kind of seedy, sort of sloppy, you know?

He's going to look a mess when he gets his clothes off.

Oh, yeah. He has to appear in the nude.

Harry, the whole second half of the picture takes place in his bedroom.

And he's naked.

I tell you, he is completely naked.

So is the girl.

Yeah. Yeah, she's here now.

Oh, she's done this kind of thing before.

I got a whole pile of photos of her in the nude outside.

But Harry, it's that kind of a picture. We do and show everything.

There's this guy, see? He's a bit backward and he's, you know, sitting in

room. Now that very day, this girl, who's a lymphomaniac,

gets out of prison.

Having done five years.

She goes into a chemist to get something for a headache, and by mistake, drinks

a whole bottle of aphrodisiac.

Well, she passes this guy's room, and through the open door, sees him getting

ready for bed.

Will you get a picture?

Oh, boy, what goes on in that room?

Yeah.

Yeah, I got his agent on the other eye.

Yeah. Richard?

Okay.

I'll do it for 40.

We can afford 30. 25.

We can afford 25 a week. 15 pounds.

Hello,

dear. Sorry I'm late.

Has he seen you yet?

No, not yet, but I think it'll be all right. Oh, good.

That's my girl.

I, uh, I got the job. How much?

10 pounds a week.

That's not much. That's all I could afford to pay.

Well, this is the guy your lovely actress will be working with. What do

think?

He'll do.

Oh, I think he's smashing.

Well, let's settle the details, shall we?

Fine.

She's the best agent I've ever had.

Oh, boy!

Am I going to enjoy working with you? Come on, let's start here.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to introduce Louise...

Alberto del Paraná and Los Paraguayos.

. .

The chef's special is very nice.

Wonderful.

What do you want to have?

I don't know.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

I don't know, but I think... Oh, my God!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

In five minutes, we begin our whole little tour of Paris.

We'll see all the statues and all the monuments.

And maybe the whole beautiful woman in the cabaret.

With the little girls in the big world.

Yes, with a whole little piece of striptease.

The bus stop.

Oh, that is there. Good.

Hello, everyone.

If you miss, we're going to do a little tour of Paris and see all the sights.

I'm receiving great pleasure that you have come to see us, you know, to go

around Paris.

And evidentially, you're going to see all the monuments. And maybe we finish

in the Big Hall and we see the cabarets with the beautiful knackered women.

It's very good. And if you have any questions to ask me, don't be afraid to

because as you can see, I speak very well all the languages.

And now,

ladies and gentlemen, the first television presentation in this country

Getafe Ballet Company.

What is he supposed to be doing?

He's been locked up.

I'm not surprised.

Dressed like that.

Great Nancy.

I think he looks quite manly.

It was a costume.

They're all the same, them ballet dancers.

I mean, they're all like that.

Heltman goes to ballet classes and he's quite normal.

What, Cyril?

Normal? I tell you, he ain't.

Well, I know he is.

What did you say?

I'm watching.

Well, look, if he's normal, why is he running away from her?

I mean, if she was in my cell, you wouldn't catch me trying to escape.

I'd take me punishment like a man.

Oh, what's a fortnight?

Don't be vulgar in front of the child.

Well, she's not there. No, it's in his mind.

He thinks she's there, but she's not.

Well, why do we have to have all this old load of rubbish? I mean, why can't

have plays about ordinary people? I mean, ordinary people like us.

Because, you see, we are your typical TV audience.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, on the Benny Hill Show, it's a warm welcome for Miss

Ira Heath.

day is here magical time of year

and as the hour draws near dreams lift my

heart

magical time of year and as the art was made

Carnival day and day.

Stay here and...

things which you, the viewers, must wonder about, you know, about

I mean, take, for example, those commercials where there's a girl taking

or a shower.

I mean, don't you ever wonder how they're made and who was there and

what they were thinking?

Well, I did a commercial the other day, and actually, on the set, in the studio

next to us, they were doing one of these girl in the bath commercials, you know,

so when I'd finished doing what I was doing, you know, I sort of casually

strolled over there at 65 miles an hour.

And there was a very beautiful bath set, you see, and there was a very nervous

director pacing up and down, and suddenly through the door came the most

beautiful blonde -haired girl in a trouser suit you've ever seen in your

And he went straight up to her and he said, The Miss Hargreaves?

Oh,

ready when you are.

Oh, we can't start till you're in the bath, can we?

Yes, it's for the commercial, for soap.

The agency told you soup.

Well, I do assure you it is soap.

Bath soap.

Yes, well, people don't take a bath with their clothes on, do they?

Yes, I realise it's extra money for taking your clothes off, but I'm sure

firm would be happy to pay the extra.

And if they won't, I will.

I'll have a whip round amongst the lads here, you see. Oh, only the essential

technicians will be here, my dear. As you can see, like the...

Car park attendant.

Canteen manager.

Yes, well, don't worry, dear, because you will be under the soapy water most

the time, you see. Harry will put his hand in and froth the water all up, you

see, before you get in, dear, yes.

Well, of course, if it goes flat while you're in it, we'll just have to rely on

Harry's self -restraint, won't we?

Yes, he will be holding the handheld camera on your back most of the time,

see. Only towards the end will he come round and hold it on your face.

Yes, it will be on your face. It may be shaking a little, but it will be on your

face, you see. Yes?

Well, if any scenes get in there that are a little bit too risque, don't

we will cut them out and throw them away.

You will? Fine. Will you go and change? Righto, Harry, would you froth up the

water? No, do it now, Harry. That's lovely.

Right, Miss Hargreaves? Right, you are in the bath. That's lovely.

Oh, you are a big girl, aren't you?

Just one thing, Miss Hargraves. Would you mind taking your dressing gown off?

Flop it over the side. That's lovely.

All right, Harry, there's no need to froth up the water. It's frothy... You

dropped your pen in there. Well, we'll just have to leave it till later, won't

we? Here we go. Now, take one.

That's lovely. Now, pick up the soap, dear. Cut!

Cut! There's no need to stand up, Miss Hargraves.

Well, why did you stand up?

You found Harry's pen.

Well...

You can give it to him afterwards.

Right, oh dear. Here we go now.

Take two.

That's it. Crab round. Pick up the salt. Hold it up. Hold up the soap. Right,

cut. Oh, splendid. Thank you, Miss Hargreaves. You can go and change now.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello? Yes?

Oh, I see. All right, thank you.

You'll never believe this, Miss Hargreaves, but it was soup.

Yes, soup.

I've never heard of your soup.

It was market day in the village, and the crowds round the stalls was quite

dense. But what caught my eye was a stall -piled eye with a musical

And up the stall come a little old man, his clothes was all tattered and thin,

but his face come alight as his eyeballs caught sight of a beautiful old violin.

He yelled it up to the dealer, saying, how much is this one then? He replied,

that's a Stradivarius, my man, that'll cost you four pound ten.

I can't afford that, said the little old man, and a lump come into my throat.

I was feeling quite chuffed, and so I stuffed in his hand a ten -shilling

A crowd had gathered behind us, and I quickly went round with his act. When I

finished, I'd found I'd collected five pounds, so I took my ten -shilling back.

Well, we gave the dealer the money, and this old man, so shabbily dressed,

picked up the violin.

stuck it under his chin, and he played like a man possessed.

He played fugues and cantatas and orito -toito -toitos too, by

composers like Johann Sebastian Bach, to mention only a few.

He played waltzes by Strauss and Dee Floydamore and Tales from the Vienna

Then Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto.

But he didn't play that quite so good.

Well done, cried the crowd when he'd finished.

And they gently patted his head. But the excitement was too much for the little

old man who unfortunately dropped down dead.

Well, we give the feeler his diddle, the dealer his fiddle.

Took back our money.

and then we picked up the old man and we laid him to rest in the cemetery down

by the glen but sometimes at night when the moon do shine bright if i should

happen to stray up over the hill it seems that still i can hear the whole

play

yes

the words of that popular song ring true for though the old man is gone yes

though the The song is ended.

The malady lingers on.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for some more of those awful

television moments which, when added together, make up a director's

I'm warning you, Zacho.

You harm one hair on her body and I'll break every bone in your head.

Hi, sweetie.

Come down to me.

Cut. Cut. I'm sorry.

Come on. Oh. Prop.

Here we go, then. Action.

Oh,

Barnaby. I'm just the happiest little ladle in the... Oh, sorry, John.

No, it's okay. Keep running. Right, take her out of here.

Right, action.

I'm just the... Oh, I'm so sorry, John.

OK.

Now, are you OK? Yes, I'm OK now. Carry on. It'll be all right.

Not tired?

No.

Oh,

Barnaby!

See you down the pool, eh?

He likes you. He doesn't like me. What have you got that I haven't?

I'll kill that dude, son. I can't.

Alone, all alone On a night like this

A lot of viewers complain that

in chat shows on television, the same interviewers are themed for year after

year. And what's more, the same guests keep cropping up as well. Well, here at

Thames, we do like to give newcomers a chance.

Here's Tommy Chopper.

All righty.

Hello, everyone.

What is a mugwump?

A mugwump is a bird who sits on a fence with its mug over one side and its wump

over the other.

There's one.

Did you hear about the actor who was so conceited that he parked in Lover's Lane

by himself?

There's another one.

Or the actress who was so dumb she couldn't add up to two without taking

blouse.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's be serious for a moment because we

could... I'm falling for you tonight.

Well, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, we must be serious. This is a serious

matter. If... If you met somebody who was 107 years old, I'm sure that you

have a lot of questions to ask him. And I'm no different from anybody else. I

have a lot of questions to ask him. Here he is, 107 years old today, Eric

Moulton from Kimberley.

If I told you that three goals were scored today on the Lambton football

I don't suppose it would really surprise you. But when I tell you that they were

scored by the vicar of Lambton, I'm sure you will be surprised. He's come along

here tonight direct from the changing room. He's more than welcome. And here

is, the Reverend Peter Wilby.

Yes,

probably.

Whatever next?

Well... I... I feel

that we in the church should show that we're just the same as everyone else.

I mean, that we're human.

I see.

Well, we all have our little differences. I mean, as in industry,

think the important thing is to air one's differences from time to time.

You know, um... Bring them out into the open, so to

speak. Yes.

And, uh... As

for playing football... Yes. Football, well, I often think that... Life.

Life is very much like a football game. I mean, we're all struggling towards the

same goal. I mean, we all want to show what we're made of, don't we?

And I've nothing to hide. I like to be admired like the next man.

Well,

Vicar, you know, this is really moving your partner undone.

Sorry?

I'm saying, it is most interesting though your partner undone.

religion and now ladies and gentlemen i'm delighted that my neck

my next guest my next guest has has come

from the west end of london he is one of london's biggest western south i know

you're going to make him very welcome here he is rodney fairchild

It's splendid of you to come along and be my guest on this show. I really am

absolutely thrilled that you have been able to find time to come along. You

a reputation of being quite a hell -raiser. Do you feel this reputation is

justified in any way?

That you have?

This, you know, of being a hell -raiser. Do you feel in any way justified at

all? This reputation that you have?

No. Well, there you are.

That's my style. It's just sort of newspaper publicity. They put labels on

people, don't they? They sort of, you know, they will put labels on, but I

suppose they put a label on you sort of more. You know, sort of like publicity.

Would you say it was publicity? I suppose it's publicity.

Well,

yes.

Yes, I'm quite surprised about that.

Tell me, does it worry you on this reputation? Wrong and false, that may

Does it worry you at all?

The reputation that you've got. Does it worry you in any way at all?

No.

Well,

there you are. Honestly, I could go on talking with you all night.

Lovely to have you on the show, but, you know, we've got to move along. It's

time to meet my last guest this evening. I know you're going to make her

welcome. Here she is, the very lovely West End star, Liza Moon.

Liza, lovely to have... Lovely to have you

on the show.

What have you been doing lately? Are you still appearing in the West End?

Tell me, have you ever worked together? Have you worked with

Liza at all?

Any of your shows together?

You've not had the pleasure of working? Have you ever worked with them?

Rodney at all here.

It's lovely having you all here.

It really is absolutely splendid.

That's what the public wants, new faces.

One in a row.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I could go on.

I go on talking and having fun here all night, but unfortunately the old clock

on the wall says there's only 42 minutes to go.

Anyway, folks, tune in again this time next week and see Crossroads.

Now it was just 10 years ago when I was 17.

I came to the city, searching for a dream, while I wandered down into

Soho.

They said it was always done, at three o 'clock in the morning, in search of

innocent fun.

But I'll wait, I'll need it in the morning, I got from my ma and pa.

They said, son, keep away from the girls of the Sousa bar.

Now the ladies inside, they play all kinds of games, said the girl at the

with pride.

I thought she meant games like tiddlywinks.

So I ventured inside.

She said some of them are naughty girls.

Ooh, that started me thinking.

I might catch one of them having a tiddle when she ought to be winking.

They said, son, keep away from the girls of the Suza bar.

Now, Susie, she came and she sat next to me.

Her complexion was just like a rose, but I couldn't help noticing a little mark

across the bridge of her nose.

She said, that mark that you're staring at was caused through glasses, my dear.

I said, why don't you use contact lenses? She said, they don't hold enough

And they said, son, keep away from the girls of the Sousa bar.

Susie, she took me upstairs to a room and she handed me the key.

She said this room is to be let as it stands with all that you can see.

And are you to be let with the room, said I in the most ambiguous tone.

She said, I am not to be let with the room. I'm to be let alone.

But I wish I could hear the warning I got from my mother -in -law.

They say, son, keep away from the girls of the Susie bar.

But that was all so many years ago.

Now, Susie, she is my wife.

And I've often said that the day that we wed was the happiest day of my life.

Why, I gave the preacher a five -pound note. He looked at me kind of strange.

And then he stole my Susie, and he gave me four pounds and change.

And I ignored the boy.

I lost my ma and pa.

Cause now I live the life of ease, and I ride in a big, fast car.

I smoke a big cigar.

I live just like a czar.

On champagne and caviar.

And the beautiful, wonderful girls of the Tuesday bar.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.

Jolly nice being with you again, and we look forward to seeing you all again

very, very soon. Bye for now.