Original subtitles

Oh, come on, sir.

- Where's my slice? - Sorry, Cyrus. All out.

Oh, my God.

Stay away from me.

Saint Mary's?

Is that where you're coming from?

- What's happening outside? - It's a good hospital.

You probably went under when most people did.

Shit started to go wild.

Computers crashed, then the aliens showed up.

- Wh-- What? - Yeah.

The whole world's gone to shit.

Aliens out there...

...forcing people.

Having their way with them.

Sexually.

Sexually?

I don't understand.

What's your name?

- I'm... I'm Evan. - Evan.

That's a nice name.

I'm Roger. Come on.

I got you.

You'll be all right.

I gotta get out of here, man.

You're lucky you found this place.

We're safe in here.

How long have you been here?

A long time.

You haven't tried to leave?

- There's only one way to get out of here. - What?

What is it?

You're not gonna like it.

I don't care if I don't like it, man.

Just tell me.

I saw some people do it when I first got here.

It was horrible.

You saw it and it worked?

Why haven't you tried?

You need two people.

They both have to be committed.

That's good.

All right.

We're two people, and we're committed.

Just tell me what it is.

Okay.

You see that toilet over there?

Yeah.

I'm gonna sit on that toilet.

And when I do,

there will be a gap between my legs.

You're gonna come over there and you're gonna sit in that gap.

And listen, this is where it gets odd.

We both have to shit at the same time.

And if we can do that,

a portal

will open on that wall

and we can leave this madness.

How could you fuck with me like that, man?

I'm not fucking with you.

Sit on a toilet with you and shit at the same time?

- It works. - Yeah.

Yeah, you're a fucking lunatic, man.

I'm fucking out of here.

I wouldn't do that.

I just went in to have my appendix removed.

You see this wall?

This is the portal that opens some...

interdimensional alien something. I...

I've seen it.

It works.

This is insane, man.

So I'm just gonna sit back

so the gap is big enough for you there.

And then we're gonna shit together?

Take a look around, man.

You fell asleep in the hospital and woke up in a goddamn alien apocalypse.

Machines fighting aliens, aliens fucking humans.

Is this really the craziest thing happening these days?

- They're fucking humans? - Uh...

Maybe you'd be a little more comfortable

if you just kind of faced out the other way.

Turn around.

- Yeah. - Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Now we just need to focus.

Here we go, Roger.

Here we go.

I shit.

I did it, but, uh, nothing's happening.

Evan, I...

I didn't go.

What? You... You didn't? But...

I guess I wasn't ready.

Do you maybe have another one in you?

Another one? I don't know, man.

Hold on.

- Oh, maybe a little one. - Ah.

- That's enough. - Okay.

All right. Here it goes. You ready?

- You bet. - Yeah, okay.

Okay, here it goes. Here it...

I did it.

I shit!

Oh, my God!

Did you shit too?

You know what?

I didn't.

You didn't go?

Then why did I just shit between your legs?

So I can come, baby.

What do you think?

I love it.

All right! Nice!

- We'll take it. - Great.

- He's a good kid. - Yeah.

How'd you trick him?

I made him shit.

You did?

- That's very clever. - Is it?

Yeah. That is very clever.

Do you want the neuron adapter?

It shocks you when the alien comes.

Buddy, what do you think?

- Yeah! - Yeah, let's go for it.

All right.

Some people say it hurts, but I think it adds to the experience.

Success is tough.

Some people define success

as spending quality time with the people they love.

I think we can all agree that those people are losers.

Success means different things to different people.

To this person, it's gaining followers.

To this guy, success means spreading conspiracy theories on the Internet.

I'm a 20-year-old African American woman,

and the measles vaccine caused my hair to fall out.

And to this man, it means going to the bathroom

without filling up the entire toilet

with blood.

Not today.

What does success mean to you?

He's one of the most successful actors to grace the screen.

He's punched, he's kicked, he's flipped countless bad guys.

Didn't your mother teach you not to stay out after dark?

Now we are behind the scenes on the super-secret set

of the new high-octane thriller Maximum Kickage.

Starring the man, the myth, the legend himself,

Steven Seagal.

Steven, you look great.

Yeah.

In the film, you play Drake Kicking,

an American sent to Russia to expose corrupt FBI agents

who are running a fentanyl and kiddie porn ring.

Also, I dismantle nuclear bombs.

Also, I'm a doctor.

Also, I make love to many beautiful women.

Sort of like you.

Yeah.

Like any great Steven Seagal movie,

the audience can expect heart-pounding fight scenes.

I do karate on a helicopter.

I do kung-fu on a speeding motorcycle.

I do all my own shit.

Not like that pussy, Tom Cruise.

Open up.

That was your fault.

Isn't it dangerous to do stunts practically?

- If you're a bitch. - Right.

Van Damme is a bitch.

Wesley Snipes is a bitch.

Daniel Craig's a bitch.

- So how do you-- - Jason Statham's a bitch.

- Oh. - Tom Cruise. Did I say him?

- You did. - He's a double bitch.

What's it like shooting a movie in Russia?

The greatest. The greatest.

My good friend Vladimir Putin

was very excited.

This has been a dream come true.

- Y'all supposed to be FBI? - Mm-hmm.

You're fittin' to be FB bye-bye.

Hi. I'm James Gonzalez, and I play FBI Villain One. Yeah.

- You'll pay for this. - Yeah.

- Uh, cut. - What the fuck, Steven?

I'm Ericka. I play the Head of Special Forces,

and working with Steven has been an incredible experience.

Um, I can't speak highly--

Um...

Oh, uh...

Um...

Sugar, this ain't nothing but a nuke.

Cut the black wire.

From what I hear, you don't always stick to the script.

Well, I am the king of improv.

In my 30 years on Special Forces, I've never seen anyone as brave as you.

- Shut up and kiss me. - What? Um...

Um...

I've gotta... The bomb's ticking out.

Um, no.

What are we doing here?

In my 30 years on Special Forces, I've never seen anyone as brave as you.

Shut up and kiss me.

Like I said, I am the king of improv.

You do have a way with words.

- Fuck, fuck, fuck... - Do we need to cut?

No, baby. These are my investors.

What's up?

Hey, what a surprise.

Nyet? All right. Well, this is gonna be a classic.

It's got fights.

Hardcore sex...

We've seen the dailies, this is a garbage movie.

We only got one more scene. That's it.

You're gonna love it.

You idiot, you owe us $80 million.

Oleg, remove his testicles.

Hey, hey, no, listen, y'all.

Just give old Stevie one more shot.

It's going to be a beautiful scene. Come watch.

Let me do my magic.

Let me keep my testicles.

Fine, let's see this scene.

Spasibo.

Roll, mark.

Here we go. Ready and action!

America says it's tax time.

Ah!

You know, I could kill you very easily right now.

But I know you'll be waiting for me in hell.

Fuck it.

I'm dyin'.

I'm bleeding and I'm dying. Look at me die, everybody.

Cut.

Camera down! I said camera down!

That was the best acting I've ever seen me do.

We have enough to finish the film.

Wait. It ain't got to be like this. Wait!

PLEASE STAND BY

Maximum Kickage coming to hotel rooms and Russian annexed territories this fall.

Yeah. I just want to go home, man.

Hey, hen hounds,

it's your favorite country global superstar, Rex Henley.

I've been seeing the comments y'all have been leaving

on my social media platforms and I've been hearing the jokes on TV.

Country singer, Rex Henley, has a new single.

It's called, and I'm not making this up,

Rich Guy Advice.

That's the actual the title of the album.

Rex Henley is a fucking weirdo.

This is the guy who used to write heartfelt American songs

about his '65 Chevy.

Now he's doing this?

I get it. Maybe I got too many fancy cars.

Planes and...

drink too many iced macchiatos.

Rex, here's some rich-guy advice for you.

Stop making music, please.

I'mma make a promise to y'all.

The next time you hear a Rex Henley song,

you're gonna get touched

in a way you've never been touched before.

And I like that.

I really like that.

Run faster. Where are you?

Hey, come here! Hurry up!

Hey! What are you doing?

No, sir, oh, please, sir. I was just trying to tie my shoe.

You bastard!

It's here, hurry up!

Move, quick!

Move, quickly!

Oh, my God. Oh. Please don't hurt me.

No one's gonna hurt you.

Where am I?

The last thing I remember was being at a concert, I think?

Yeah, we were all at a fucking concert.

Here we go.

Don't even think about runnin'.

Big trucks, cold beer

Stars and stripes Still fly around here

He's coming.

He's coming.

What the fuck?

Country music and kickin' ass, yeah!

Just keep clapping.

All right!

Is that Rex Henley?

Whoo! All right, you guys ready for an unplugged sesh?

Yeah.

Hey-hey, that's the good stuff, man.

God damn, I miss those cheers.

Feels good when they clap.

All right. Whoo!

Now, where my hen hounds at?

You guys ready to get to it? You lazy bums.

What is happening?

- Enough resting. - He's kidnapped a bunch of his fans.

- We're here to work. - He's mining us for material.

He's trying to write a new album.

So think of this as a conversation.

We are wiping out the walls between you and me

in an effort to get to the truth.

That's where I want to go.

I want to get to the real stuff. Slick stuff, raw stuff.

He even built this fake town to try to relate to normal folk.

The only way you do that is by being honest.

I'm in pursuit of it.

He calls us the poors. I'm a brain surgeon.

Now, who's ready to share a problem they got?

You, hat, tell me one of your problems.

Uh...

My feet hurt.

My feet hurt.

You hear this shit?

You think I wanna write a song about a busted fucking flip-flop?

This ain't Margaritaville, muchacho. I want some real shit.

Why don't you go get your toes done? Anybody else?

You.

My mother died in 9/11.

Ooh! I like that.

Byung Sung, where are your manners?

Give this starving bitch a shrimp.

This hag.

Here's a bunch. Eat it, bitch!

On a cold September morning

Mama got up to go to work

Yeah, I can work with that. I like that. Very nice.

You know, I like 9/11 as much as the next guy.

But my good buddy, Byung Sung, here

just reminded me that a few months ago,

you said your mama died in a hurricane.

Now, I do not quite recall what sent those towers crumbling down,

because I was very busy that morning.

But I'm pretty sure it wasn't a fucking hurricane!

No!

Oh!

Guys? Guys? Guys!

This is about trust.

I mean, we're a family here.

Families love each other, families laugh together.

We laugh all goddamn day.

Oh, we're not a family.

What was that?

- What'd you just say? - Uh...

I said... I said, "We're not a family."

Uh, yes, we are. It says it right there on the fucking merch!

Well, family don't, uh, kidnap each other.

You just...

Fuck!

Way to ruin the groove, you selfish shit.

Session's over. No more jamming today.

Byung Sung, take that bullshit.

God damn it!

Nice knowing you.

Move quickly!

- Get in and find her. Got it? - Yes, sir.

Let me open the door now.

- Get ready. - Yes!

Here you go.

Get on your feet now!

No!

Hold her!

Come here!

Hey, where is it? Find it quickly!

On your knees!

Oh, God, please!

What?

Oh. Don't kill me! Please, please, please.

Hey, Shelly, thought a lot about what you said

and I'd love to chitchat over dinner up at the residence.

Your compadre, Rex.

P.S. Wash up, stinky!

LOL.

Big trucks, cold beer

Stars and stripes Still fly around here

Yeah, they do

Fast cars, hitchin' bass

Country music and kickin' ass, yeah!

Whoo! Yeah, kickin' ass