Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's gonna stop me now *

BALKI: Feeling good, from my head to my shoes.

I'm in control, my worries are few.

I'm brushin' up my point of view.

I've got a pneumatic tube.

Incoming.

Hey, cousin, your used car ads came early today.

Somebody up there must like you.

Thank you, pal.

Lookin' for a new car, baby?

Not just any car. My dream car.

A '62 Austin Healy 3000 Mark II.

Well, this is your life, honey.

But I wouldn't buy one of those little convertible things.

You gonna spend a ton of money

Bartokomous, I need to know if you've seen a memo

from accounting to payroll.

It was about a claim I put in for reimbursement for gas.

Oh, yes. I just sent that up right before Mrs. Ganz's memo.

I don't suppose you read that memo, did you?

No. No, I didn't.

But I did happen to glance at it and,

you know, sometimes if I just look at something

it sticks on my brain.

I think... I think I have what they call a pornographic memory.

You know, Bartokomous, I probably don't tell you this often enough,

but I think you're doin' a terrific job.

Really? Hey, would I lie?

What

You know, Mr. Gorpley. People are wrong about you.

You do have an ounce of human kindness.

So, if there's anything I can do for you, you just tell me.

Let me see.

What could you do for me?

Oh, I know.

Oh, that's too easy. Gimme something hard.

No, no, no-- No, gimme something--

That's all I want!

Okay. But you have a favor to be named later.

Quote...

"To Mr. Marshall from Mr. Belson

"regarding Gorpley's mileage. Reimbursement approved."

Thanks, Bartokomous.

"I think he's stealing The Chronicle blind."

Unquote.

Keep up the good work, Bartokomous.

Balki...

What do you think you're doing?

No, you're not.

He was just using you.

Balki, your job gives you access

to a lot of confidential information.

And it's your responsibility to keep that information

to yourself.

People like Gorpley will try to take advantage of you

but you can't let them.

It's a code?

It's a, kind of, code of honor.

Well, of course I do, don't be ridiculous.

We sheepherders have a very strict code of honor.

Never practice wolf calls while the sheep are sleeping.

Never eat lamb chops in front of the flock.

And never ever let them see you sweat.

Well, this code is even easier.

You can sweat all you want.

"Don't tell anybody what's in the mail."

Got it.

Balki, Balki, come here. Look at this.

I found an ad for a '62 Austin Healy.

Oh, cousin, that's wonderful. Listen to this.

New paint, wire wheels, radio and four on the floor.

Oh, that's too bad.

But you know what they say.

Balki, there it is.

Oh, cousin.

You really stepped in something good this time.

This is nice. Nice?

How would you shift gears?

It's an expression.

How you doin' today?

This is my cousin, Balki Bartokomous.

Are you interested in this car?

Well-- Are you kidding?

Is he interested in this car?

Does a Mypiot spit in the woods?

Would you excuse us for a minute?

Sure.

What are you doing?

Balki, if Lou knows I really want the car

I won't be able to get him to come down on the price.

Wait a minute. Are we talking about bargaining here?

I am.

Well, why you didn't say so?

I am the best bargainer on Mypos.

Whoa, why don't we just quit

beating around George Bush and get on with this.

Balki, this isn't as simple as

It takes a certain amount of finesse.

Let me handle-- Cousin, I can...

Why don't you just watch and learn.

I've been thinking it over, Lou, and uh...

I'm not really so sure I'm interested

in this baby after all.

What do you say, I do you a favor.

Price of the car is $7,500.

Ah-ha, Lou, Lou, Lou.

Now, we both know that, uh,

this number means nothing.

You tore up my sign.

Five thousand dollars. That's my best offer.

My kid made that sign.

But... I don't have $7,500.

And I really love this car.

but I got a buyer coming at 9:00 tonight

who's willing to pay my price.

Ah, you get here first, you pay my price, you get the car!

Shall I assume class is over?

BALKI: Cousin...

and I got $7.34.

And a stick of Juicy Fruit that you could cut a diamond with.

Plus $7.34.

You have enough to buy the car?

Well, if I add in what I could get for my Mustang...

I could buy the Austin

but I'd have to live in it.

Sorry, cousin.

You know what really bothers me?

When you think there's enough milk for your morning coffee

but there's only three drops left in the carton?

Yes, that bothers me. Isn't that the worst?

Yeah, but I am talking about buying the car.

The timing is lousy.

I mean, why did it have to come on the market now?

If I get a raise at my six month salary review

I'd be able to make the payments.

They met yesterday.

The managing editor is going on vacation.

So he wanted to get it out of the way.

Wait a minute.

If they met yesterday, the memo was

probably sent to payroll today.

Do you think so?

Did you see the memo?

Well, I see so many memos.

You saw the memo.

Balki, this is great.

You can tell me if I got the raise.

Oh.

So, Balki, did I get the raise?

Balki?

I can't tell you.

Lemme get this straight.

You know if I got my raise or not

You know, I have a wonderful idea.

We've been cooped up here all night.

Why don't we just, just go play racquetball

with Jennifer and Mary Anne?

Freeze!

Balki? Mmm

Did I get my raise?

I can't tell you.

I live by a code.

Code

The mailboy's code of honor.

Oh, forget that.

I can't forget that I have a code.

Balki, this is the '80s.

Nobody lives by a code anymore.

Just look at the guys who are running for president.

Now, did I get my raise or not?

Cousin, I know I made a mistake

telling Mr. Gorpley about the memo today

but I've learned my lesson.

Oh.

Oh.

Now I see what the problem is.

Balki, there is a world of difference

between Gorpley and me.

who used you to get information

for his own selfish desires.

I'm Cousin Larry,

your friend,

who would never ever take advantage of you.

So, you see,

it's perfectly alright

to tell me about my raise.

I don't think so.

You see, cousin, no matter who I tell

it would be violating my code.

Uh, hey, Balki. Balki. Balki!

It's not like my raise is a big secret.

I'll find out about it in a couple of days anyway.

But, darn it

That car will be gone by 9:00 tonight.

Cousin, I'm sorry.

Asking a Mypiot to give up his code

is like asking a tsetse fly to give up his tsetse.

There's really no way? No, there's no way.

Nothing I could do or say would change your mind?

Absolutely nothing.

I'm glad to hear that.

Sweet.

Hmm?

Cousin, don't do this.

Something like a Sears Tower sundae.

Tallest sundae known to man.

A mountain of double fudge

almond nut ice cream

running with rivers of hot caramel

and topped with mounds of whipped cream

and cherries and cherries,

as many cherries as you want.

It could be yours, Balki.

It could be yours. And not just tonight.

Every night for a month.

And all you have to do is just tell me.

Tell me if I got my raise.

I can't! I can't!

Balki?

I was way out of line.

Balki.

I owe you an apology.

Open the door, please.

I'm sorry.

I am so, so sorry.

I am trying to get you to break your code

and you won't, why?

Because you have too much integrity

and, hey...

I respect you for it.

Why don't we just forget the whole thing

and get on with our lives.

Really? Really.

I won't mention it again.

Oh. Oh, cousin. Oh, thank you.

That would be such a big load off my spine.

Ah.

Ah!

So, what do you wanna do?

Watch a little TV? Well...

Go to a movie? Nah.

Or we could talk.

You know, it's funny.

Sometimes, the little things

can change a person's whole life.

Oh, boy, don't I know it.

Now, take me for instance.

When Christos was just a-- I'm just about to--

I'm just about to have the-- When Christos--

When Christos-- I'm just about to have the--

When...

When, uh, my Cousin Christos,

when he was about eight years old,

he got, uh, kicked in the head by a goat

and, uh... We didn't think that much of it

because who hasn't been kicked in the head by a goat.

Anyway, uh, when he grew up

he started to have these terrible headaches

he couldn't eat, he couldn't work.

And nobody knew what to do.

And then finally it hit me.

I said, I said, "Christos,

"that hat that you've been wearing since you were

"eight years old and the goat kicked you in the head,

"take it off. It's just too small"

So, anyway,

to make a short story long, he did.

And, uh, it just, it made a world of difference.

And, uh...

Fascinating.

Fascinating, now...

Let's take what's happened to me.

Now, I won't be getting the car of my dreams.

So what, you may say. I mean, It happens to a lot of people.

But, let's take a look into the future.

Oh, look.

Wait.

Who is that? Why...

It's Larry Appleton, but,

why is he sleeping on a park bench

covered with newspaper?

What happened to him?

I don't know.

His back is to me.

Well, they say it started

when he got the chance

to get the car of his dreams

and couldn't take it.

Why? I think we all know why.

He was never the same after that.

He spent all his time going from one used car lot to another.

The dealers said they'd find him another Austin Healey

but they didn't.

And it was all downhill from there.

He lost his job,

his friends,

and finally his will to live.

Oh, my Lord.

What is it?

Well, he just rolled off the park bench.

I... I think he stopped breathing.

Cousin, don't die. You're getting a raise.

Are you sure? Of course I'm...

Thanks, Balki. You saved a life.

Uh, are you gonna buy it or you gonna tear up the sign again?

I'm ready to buy. Fine.

I'll go get the paperwork.

May I ask why you're sitting in the fireplace?

Because I am disgraced.

And when I am disgraced I have to sit among the ashes.

Oh, right. That's one of those Mypos things.

Balki,

I didn't buy the car.

You didn't?

Something happened when I got to the used car lot.

And this afternoon that car looked

all soft and blurry.

It kind of glowed.

Like Cybill Shepherd does on Moonlighting?

Exactly.

But tonight,

after what I did to you,

everything changed.

Suddenly, it just looked like an old car.

I realized I'd put that stupid car above our friendship.

Oh, cousin.

You didn't buy the car because of our friendship?

Yeah. I couldn't.

Pretty dumb, huh?

No, cousin. I'm proud of you.

Proud of me?

I made you violate your code.

Well, yeah, you did

but I didn't even know I had that code

until you told me about it.

Oh, yeah, I'm great at

pointing out codes to other people

I just don't live by them myself.

Yes, you do.

You live by a code.

It just takes a while for it to kick in.

I just wish it would kick in sooner

so I wouldn't feel like such a jerk.

You are not a jerk.

I'm not? No.

You're, you're tricky

and devious

and a lousy bargainer,

but...

You're not a jerk.

Thanks.

Um... What can I offer you?

Perhaps something sweet?

Why don't we go get a Sears Tower sundae?

I'll buy. No, no.

I'm the tricky, devious one.

I'll buy. No. No, cousin. Let me buy.

No, I should buy-- Oh, please. Please let me--

Look!

I want you to be cheerful.

I'll buy.

Okay.