Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kinda change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Okay, that's it.

You're official cable subscribers.

Balki, give the man back his belt.

Okay. Okay.

Thanks a lot.

Ah, thank you. You're welcome.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye, now.

Cousin, does this mean we're cable ready?

Yes.

Balki, that little wire

is going to change our lives.

Here. Look at this.

We never have to go stand in line to see a movie.

No need to join a gym.

We've got the all-shopping channel.

We never have to go to the mall again.

Well, we can go to the mall once in a while.

Okay. Oh, here. Sit down.

Sit down.

Balki, you are gonna love this.

There's the all-sports channel.

There's the all-news channel.

That must be the all-music video channel.

Is that Michael Jackson or his sister?

That's Diana Ross.

Cousin, cousin, can I pick a channel?

Sure. Really?

Yes, go ahead. Oh.

What should I pick?

Pick anything you want.

You've got the control.

Anything? Anything you want.

MAN ON TV: And we are all tied up.

There are only three seconds to go.

Here's the snap. Hand-off goes to Payton.

He's trapped.

Yes! He's reversing his field.

Yes! Yes! He's starts for one. He's--

What!

Why? Why did you change the channel?

Well, you said that I could pick anything that I want,

and I'm not in the mood for football.

* A horse is a horse Of course, of course *

Mister Ed!

* Go right to the source and ask the horse

* He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse

* He's always on the steady course

* Talk to Mr. Ed *

* Who was bringing up three very lovely girls...

BOTH: * Ta-da-da-da da *

All right, that's it.

The war is over.

Balki, it's time to go to bed.

Balki?

Balki?

Balki?

What's shaking? Balki, it is very, very late.

Balki, Balki, listen to me.

Balki

Balki.

I learned that on the all-wrestling channel.

Balki, go to bed.

Cousin, I will, I will,

as soon as what I'm watching is over.

Ugh, how can you be watching anything?

You keep changing the channel.

But, cousin, it's easy.

On this channel,

And on this channel,

Arnold Schwarzenegger is blowing up soldiers.

Oh, there goes one now.

And on this channel,

Arnold Schwarzenegger is blowing up

drug-dealing soldiers.

I just love cable. There's so much variety.

Balki,

go to bed.

It is almost time to get up.

But, cousin, how will I know what happens to Arnold Schwarzenegger?

He blows everybody up

Now get some sleep.

Okay, okay, cousin, okay.

Good night, good night.

Ah.

Maria, I'm home.

Hello. Mailroom.

Uh, no, Balki's not here right now, Mr. Myers.

Yeah, I'll have him get it up to you as soon as he gets back.

Yes, bye.

Larry, where is Balki?

He was supposed to drop off the letters

for my advice column over an hour ago.

Thank goodness, my deadline's in 20 minutes.

Lydia, I know you're busy, but, uh,

I need some advice.

Oh, well...

I am never too busy to help a friend.

What's the problem, Larry, can't get a date?

No, no, it's Balki.

Well, Balki shouldn't have a problem getting a date.

No, no, this has nothing to do with dating.

See, for the past two weeks

Balki has been glued to the TV.

He won't go to bed at night.

What do you think I should I do?

Lydia, what do you think?

Don't push me!

I am not good at these spur-of-the-moment answers.

I am a small, neurotic woman

with problems of my own, Larry.

I can't take this kind of pressure.

Why is everyone bothering me?

Why do all the people think I have the answers?

Thank you.

Where is that idiot Mypiot?

He's not still at lunch, is he?

No! No, he's here, Mr. Gorpley.

I don't even know if he went to lunch.

You know Balki, he usually works

straight through work, work, work.

Yes, something's wrong.

The managing editor sent out

an emergency delivery yesterday

that never got there.

has fouled-up this week.

If I get one more complaint

we'll have to do something about that, won't we?

Oh, I have an idea!

I'll fire him.

I'll make sure he gets the message.

And you have just a lovely, lovely--

Jerk.

Balki, did you go home for lunch?

Did you turn on the TV?

I don't want to talk about it.

Did you turn on the TV?

Oh, cousin, you can read me like a brown paper bag.

Leave It to Beaver was on.

It was a wonderful episode.

At the end, Ward said,

"Beav, no matter what you do,

"your mother and I will always love you."

Well, I gotta tell you, I broke down and cried

till my eyes fell out.

Balki, you are 40 minutes late.

And Ward said that at the end of every episode.

Gorpley is going to fire you.

All right, cousin, I... I, I, I'm sorry.

I know I did wrong.

It won't happen again, I promise.

Oh, good. I'm glad to hear it.

Aren't you going to forgive me like Ward forgave the Beav?

Yes, I forgive you. Hmm.

This stuff has got to go up to Myers

in classified right away.

Okay, I'll get it fast.

I'm faster than a speeding bullet!

More powerful than a locomotive!

Able to leap small children

in a single bound!

You got a problem there, sugar.

A couch potato?

You know, one of those people

that spend so much time watching TV

they end up with a butt the size of Detroit.

Well, I think it's just the novelty

of having 24-hour cable.

Oh, yeah? Does he stay up all night?

No, no, not all night.

He's usually in bed by 5:00, 6:00 in the morning

right after Gumby.

Mmm-hmm. Well, does he ever hum the theme

from I Dream of Jeannie?

(SCATTING I DREAM OF JEANNIE THEME MUSIC)

That's it.

You got yourself a couch potato.

We've been robbed!

Balki.

Balki, we haven't been robbed.

I took the television.

Oh, you took the television.

You took the television?

and what I've done is for your own good.

You've been watching too much television lately

and you've just got to stop.

Let me get this straight.

You're telling me that

I can't watch television.

Yes. Yes, I see, and...

I'm telling you

give me the TV.

It's not here.

It's in a locker at the bus station.

Oh, I see.

It's in a locker at the bus station.

Give me the key.

I haven't got it.

I gave it to Jennifer and Mary Anne.

They're on a flight to Zurich.

What is this? Some kind of sick joke?

Balki, ever since we got cable

you spend all night watching TV

and eating junk food.

Now, what kind of life is that?

It's a wonderful life.

Now, cousin...

Cousin, if that's all that's bothering you,

just sit down, listen to this.

I can stop watching TV anytime I want to.

You can stop anytime?

You have to ask? Yes.

What was the question?

Of course, I can. Then do it.

Do what? Stop.

When? Tonight.

Tonight? Tonight.

Who? You! Tonight!

Stop watching TV, tonight!

Well, all right.

We don't have a television.

I'll have to do without, won't I?

Goodness gracious.

Great balls of fire.

So that's it?

What did I just say?

Good.

but I have to go.

Mr. Flynn wants me to cover the hearing at the Water Commission.

You'll be all right? Well, I'll be fine.

I'll just sit here and read this book.

Okay.

See you later? See you later.

I'll just be sitting here,

Balki.

Balki.

Balki!

Where did you get that?

Crazy Al's Video.

All right, well, this has gotten completely out of hand.

We have to take this back.

I don't think so.

Give me the remote.

Get your own remote.

Oh, look, there's Gumby.

Oh!

You tricked Balki.

You're damn right I tricked Balki.

Give me my remote!

Balki!

I don't want to see you become a couch potato.

A couch potato?

Hah!

No way, Rosay.

And do you know why?

Because I have no idea what that is.

Now give me my remote!

Balki!

A couch potato is someone

who is addicted to television.

They sit on the couch watching it day and night.

They lose interest in everything else.

Their life is reduced to staring blindly

at some flickering images on a little screen.

Is that what you want to become?

Balki?

Balki?

What are you doing?

Is that a TV in the window across the way?

That's a fish tank.

Oh, I thought I was watching Sea Hunt.

Oh, God!

Now listen, cousin.

For the last time,

hand over the remote.

No.

-Balki! -Cousin.

I want my MTV!

Balki, TV is ruining your life.

Ever since we got cable

we don't go to ball games anymore,

we don't go out with Jenifer and Mary Anne,

we don't do anything.

You want to know what you can do.

You can give me back my remote!

All right, Balki, take one more step

and the remote is dead meat.

You're bluffing.

Try me.

You don't have the guts.

I don't believe you did that.

Well, believe it. It's gone.

I don't need a stinking remote.

I can still turn on that television.

Why? Because I've got this!

No, no, no. No, no.

All right, I wasn't going to mention this,

because I thought it would be too painful.

But you give me no choice.

When was the last time you wrote a letter to your mama?

Mama?

Well, it... It was just the other day.

Wrong!

It was over two weeks ago.

Well, that can't be.

It was... It was right after

Time flies when you're a potato.

There's the cable guide.

Why don't you look and see when it was on.

Go ahead. No.

Yes. Yes. No. No.

Look! Look! No.

What's today, Wednesday? Wednesday.

It was two weeks ago.

Yes, it was.

I've never gone two weeks without writing Mama.

She must think something horrible has happened to me.

Something horrible has happened to you.

Cousin, you're right.

I've turned into a Mr. Potato Head.

What am I going to do?

Balki, television is only bad if you abuse it.

All you have to do is learn to be more selective

about what you watch.

Do you think I could do that?

Of course you can, I'll help you.

Oh, thank you, cousin.

Now, first thing in the morning,

we'll go see Crazy Al

and return this TV.

That's a good idea.

You know, while we're at it,

Leaving already, Bartokomous?

Yes, Cousin Larry surprised me.

He is taking me to a rock concert tonight.

My life in America just keeps getting better and better.

Isn't that nice? Isn't it?

Did you get the postage meter refilled?

Yes, sir, and I put the receipit on your desk.

"Receipit"? Receipit.

Did you copy all those invoices?

Yes, sir, and I made copies of the copies.

Aha, I bet you didn't get those mail bags washed?

Oh, come on, you weren't serious about that, were you?

Cousin. Uh, yes, uh, I got them washed and ironed,

light starch, half in boxes, half on hangers.

Anything else?

One of these days, Bartokomous, you're going to foul up.

And when you do, I'm going to throw a party.

Oh, thank you, sir.

And, listen, you don't have to pay for everything.

Cousin Larry and I will bring the little hats.

Come on, Balki, let's get going.

Now, you sure you're ready for a rock concert?

They might have those big diamond-vision screens.

Cousin, nothing I can't handle.

I've got that TV turkey off my back.

Good.

you tell me who we're going to go see tonight?

Chicago.

I know where we are, I'm asking you

Chicago. Yes, I understand.

I'm asking you

who's going to be singing here in Chicago?

The Beatles.

Well, it was like pulling teeth,

but thank you for a straight answer.