Original subtitles

Is that your way?

Aye.

What time do you think we'll be here till? I don't know, 11 maybe?

11?

What the hell?

Well, by the time we have a wee glass of wine or two and hear everybody's news.

You see them all the time?

What news?

Never you mind, Alan.

It's a girls' night and that's what we do.

We put something sparsely on, we have a few drinks and we get a proper catch

-up. Fair enough.

So who are you going to meet?

Davy Mackay.

Davy M?

Aye. I heard he split up with Linda. Is that right enough?

Aye, I think so.

And isn't he talking about taking a job in Dubai?

Aye. Well, I'm not sure what happened with that.

Oh, you're going to have plenty to catch up on.

What are you going to do?

Work for people.

Thanks, Michelle.

Give me your coats. I'll hang them up for you. Use the hanger, please,

Mine's actual leather.

Right.

Sit yourselves down.

Thanks for asking us over.

I'll get any excuse for a wee girl's night.

We've been looking forward to it all week, haven't we, Cathy?

Have we?

So did Eric and Colin get away OK?

Yes, they did.

quarter to six the taxi came. Oh, my God.

I set the alarm for five so we could have sex before he went.

And, uh, was it the Algarve they went?

Uh, yes.

I had no idea Eric even played golf, to be honest.

Yeah, he does.

You're shit at it, though, Michelle.

Right, so, uh, what do you want to drink? A wee glass of Prosecco?

Woo -hoo!

Oh! I brought Prosecco. I've got a bottle open. I'll pop that in the

Cathy, glass of Prosecco for you?

Yes, please, honey.

Oh, and there's vodka in there as well.

All right, will we?

We'll maybe save that for later only. Yeah, give it 15 in the freezer.

This is nice.

Give me a break.

What? I'm sleeping in the fucking brownies.

I mean, what are we going to end up doing? All getting under the duvet with

torches and swapping felt tip pads?

Cathy, just enjoy yourself.

What else would you be doing?

Right, here we go.

Oh, thanks, Michelle, honey.

Yes, thanks, Michelle.

Oh, lovely.

So, Alan off out, is he?

Yeah, he's on his way out to meet his friend Davy.

Anyway, rule number one of girls' night, no talking about your other half.

Oh. Oh, we did this thing at my pal Louise's head night where if you mention

your partner's name, you have to... Do a shot.

Oh, dear.

It was such a laugh.

We were up for a pet.

That is a good idea. Let's do that.

Yeah. I mean, we can if you want to.

Beth, are you up for that?

OK. Yeah.

Kathy?

Colin.

Hello, Michelle.

You've come.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

How are you doing?

Ah, not bad, Michelle, not bad.

Awful lot of dog duck lying in the pavements at the minute.

You've not stood on anything, have you?

I don't think so. Have a wee check for me hen, will you?

No,

you're all right.

I went into one last week with my crocs on.

Fucking mess that was.

Anyway. Oh, hi, Christine.

Oh, hi, Beth.

Oh, there's Kath. Hi, Kath.

What are you so dolled up for?

Oh, just because it's a girl's night.

Well, it's where all the sparkly gear and the hair are brushed.

Are we going out?

No, no, no.

It was just a chance to put something nice on and get a bit done up.

Well, what's the point of that if it's only us?

Well, listen, sit yourself down. You're here and that's all that matters. Do you

want me to pop that in the fridge for you?

What? Do you want me to pop that in the fridge?

Why would I put that in the fridge? That's my knitting.

Your knitting? Oh, great.

Oh, well, when you said it was a woman's night, I thought we'd be sitting round

with cups of tea and I would take the chance to get on with my knitting.

Oh, I don't think that's quite what she had in mind.

I was thinking more two glasses of Fez, maybe some little nibbles and maybe even

watch a wee film later on. Oh, if I'd known that, I'd have picked something

fresh in my bottom half.

You sit yourself down, I'll get you a wee drink.

So, what is it you're knitting, Christine?

Quickly, Michelle!

I'm doing a wee cardigan for Madison's birthday.

Oh, she's going to love that, her granny knitting her a cardigan. I got the

pattern off of Pat.

She was a very big knitter before the amputation.

It was my gran who taught me to knit.

Was it, Beth? And was she missing any limbs or...? That's

her going to be three.

So I'm knitting her a wee cardie with an elephant in the front. Aw, that's

lovely. Does she like elephants?

Well, she'd better, cos I've been at it for a fortnight.

She's going to love it.

My granny used to knit things for me when I was young. You know, the wee

and the scarves. Aw.

The wee bobble hats and the pom -poms. Oh!

Oh! I can't talk about it. Oh, Michelle.

No, I'm fine. Fine.

Aw.

I totally forgot your shot.

Here, Beth.

Remember that knitting machine I was looking at in Argos?

I do.

Well, I wish to Christ I had bought that instead of that fucking soda stream.

Right, here we go.

What's all this?

We're playing a game, Christine.

Every time someone mentions their partner's name, they have to take a

Cathy here has already said Colin once, so she has to do one.

What is it?

Sambuca. Oh!

Ready?

Woo!

What's it like?

Colin.

I bless you, Michelle.

They're good.

Oh, yes.

They're nice and thick, aren't they?

Better than the wee thin ones that you buy, Beth.

So you were saying about the swimming, Beth?

Oh, yes.

See, the difference when you go in, it's one of those all -women sessions.

Oh, I know. The gym's the same. It's calm.

You don't have people racing up and down and you can stop and have a wee chat.

What I hate is when you get the guys from the gym stayed in. Oh, yeah, but

can't stand that.

Just makes you feel like you need to cover yourself up.

I always pull my jumper down at the back when I get on the bus, just in case I

send off the wrong signals.

Well, I wish more people would cover themselves up. In the changing rooms, at

least. Oh, the big hairy moth.

Who wants to see that?

God, I know.

Oh, I've seen Beth twice.

What are your options, though, eh? All that waxing and plucking.

Do you not bother, Christine?

No, I do not.

Oh, God.

Not even a wee tidy up?

Nope. It's yes to the eyebrows, yes to the top lip, but downstairs is its own

boss. Oh!

Oh, you can't beat a girls' night, eh? You can just talk about anything.

Absolutely.

Except men, right?

Right. No talking about men.

That just ends in tears.

That's the only thing about all girls, isn't it? There's always an argument and

always somebody in tears by the end of the night.

No, none of that.

No tears, no falling out, and I promise not to mention Eric.

Ah, you'll need a one of them wee drinks now, Beth.

Don't worry, Beth, I'll do one with you.

Aye, I'll do a handful of Chris. Chris, pass us that bowl over, will you? Here

we go.

Here we go.

Thank you.

Right, we're ready.

After three.

One, two, three.

Well, soon as I've done one, I get to say a wee tiny thing about Alan.

Oh, Alan.

Big old Alan in his big dirty van.

It's just a wee thing, I promise.

Go on, Michelle.

He's just... He never makes an effort about anything.

I mean, look, we organised this night weeks ago, and we went to the Trouble to

think about what to bring and what to wear, and he just texts his mate at the

last minute and sails off down the pub in his old joggy buttons.

Ah, he's never out of them, Michelle.

It's as if they're glued to his arse. He's a nightmare, Christine.

I buy new stuff from him all the time, but he just slings it in the drawer.

I bought Colin a cashmere jumper last week. No.

And a pair of pants that make his cock look bigger.

I've spent years trying to get Eric to smarten himself up.

I always think Eric dresses quite nice.

How much of that you had?

High and mighty he goes to Michelle.

Less high, mere mighty.

You don't know how lucky you are with Colin, Cathy.

Oh, I know.

You're just so well turned out, the both of you.

And, you know, you always seem to get along so well.

Thanks, Michelle.

Our relationship has a very, very strong foundation.

I find if you're happy in the bedroom, you're happy in every room.

And sometimes the garage.

Do you ever fall out?

And, well, sometimes.

What about?

Oh, just the odd little thing he does.

Got jazz?

Go on, spill the beans, Kathy.

Well, I don't like the way he pees.

Oh. Eh?

You know, straight into the water.

Oh, the noise.

I've told him to try and bounce it off his sides or put some paper down, but he

just keeps doing it.

Aye.

They enjoy aiming for things, Kath.

They're trained for it when they're wee boys.

Zip down, wink you, fire straight ahead.

Well, I'm not even going to start with the noises that Alan makes.

In fact, can I ask you a wee question?

Hmm? Do they ever, like, just break wind in front of you?

Oh, well... Yes, the little squeaky ones.

Alan does them right in front of me.

That does not surprise me, Michelle.

It's safe as being drinking or eating anything spicy. Oh, my God, you need a

mask.

That is where living on your own gives you a great deal of freedom, Michelle,

yeah?

Mind you, there is the occasional evening I've got to light a wee candle.

And what about Eric, Beth?

Does he do anything that gets on your nerves?

Oh, Christ, where do you start?

Well, actually, Eric's pretty easy to live with.

There must be some things he does.

Aye, the big yawns when he's back to... Or when he talks.

I hate it when he talks.

Well,

I suppose, I mean, he does have a habit of trimming his nose hair at the

dressing table and it all goes into my cotton wool.

That is so gross.

Oh, yes, and he cuts his toenails when he has a bath, so when I go for a

I stand on them. OK, that is annoying.

Oh, but if there's one thing he does that really does annoy me, when he does

number two... Oh, Jesus, this is going to be like something with the exorcist.

No, no, no, it's not the noise.

When he comes out, he always says, without fail, well, that was a day's

itself.

Oh, Beth!

I do not know how she has lived with him all these years.

If Eric shat in my loo, I would rip it out and buy a new one.

Poor Eric.

She deserves a medal.

Oh, he's all right.

Why? All that running backwards and forwards that you do for him while he

sits back in his chair.

Eric did his bit around the house.

He just sits there and treats her like a maid.

All that tea, coffee, lunch, dinner.

It's no remote control. It should be sat in the arm of that chair. It's a

fucking bell.

Excuse me. If there's anyone who treats me like a maid, it's not Eric. It's you.

Oh. Oh.

Me?

At least Eric does occasionally roll his sleeves up and, you know, lend a hand.

All you ever do is waltz in, plonk yourself down and tell me to put the

on.

Oh, I'm only kidding, Christine.

Christine!

Oh, yes, you have it.

Oh, I'm teasing, for goodness sake.

No.

I've obviously been unaware that I am such a burden to you.

You are not a burden.

I'm just saying Eric's not as bad as you make out.

I really don't think Beth meant anything by it, Christine.

You're taking it the wrong way.

No, no, no, no, no.

You have made yourself perfectly clear.

I know where I stand now.

And it is absolutely fine.

Christine.

You can't be a good girl tonight, eh, Beth?

I'm so sorry about this, Michelle.

Beth, don't worry.

I know you didn't mean anything by it.

I was only kidding on. I know.

I didn't for one minute think she'd react like this.

Honestly, Beth, it's not your fault.

Michelle, I feel like I've spoiled the whole night.

Don't be daft.

And you've gone through so much trouble organising it.

Maybe I should go home.

You know what?

We're going to sort this out right now.

Come on.

Look, Christine, this is us.

I organised tonight so we can all get together and have a laugh.

Not sit around being miserable having fallouts.

I think you and Beth need to sort this out.

Christine, I am sorry if I upset you with what I said. It was just a silly

comment. I didn't mean anything by it.

And I certainly didn't mean to offend you.

I'm really very sorry.

Make her go on her knees.

You are welcome at my house any time you like.

And I'd be happy to make you a cup of tea or whatever you want, whenever you

want it.

Whenever I want? Yes.

Whenever I want it?

Yes.

I suppose if you get that toasty machine fixed and start knocking out the tuna

melts again, we can put this behind us.

Oh, yay!

Bless you, Beth. And listen, you just let me know whenever you want to come

mine for a wee cup of coffee.

Really? Oh, it would be my pleasure.

I'll pop in tomorrow, then.

No, sorry, babe, not tomorrow.

How are you getting on with that cardi?

Next year, it's a fucking voucher.

OK,

ladies, let's get this party started.

Oh, yes, Michelle.

Come on, everybody up. Oh, Michelle.

Come on, Christy, you too.

That's me, that's me That's knackered me

Watch, you're sitting on your knitting.

Oh, oh.

Oh,

let's see. Give us a look.

Oh, there.

Oh. It's more finished, obviously.

Coming on, Christine.

I love the wee elephant.

You've got a talent for that, missus.

Oh, I am. I'm actually going to have plenty of this wool left over if you

me to knit you a scarf or a wee rasta hat.

Oh, well, maybe finish the cardi first and see what's left.

Madison will love it. A wee cardi from her gran.

Aw, it must be so hard being so far away.

It is, Michelle.

I just feel as if I've missed out on so much, you know.

Her first tooth.

Her first go at the potty.

First time getting lost in Asda.

Is there no way you can see her more often?

You could move.

You don't need to move. There's all sorts of ways of keeping in touch these

days. Oh, yeah. My friends, Mum and Dad, they film me messages on their phones

and send to the grandkids in New Zealand.

Oh.

Well, we can film anything you want.

Things to let Madison see what your life is like, what you get up to.

Oh.

Well, maybe she could film me going up to the chip shop.

Uh -huh.

And then I could show wee Madison me place in my order and then the salt and

stuff getting put on.

There's one.

I could film me going up to the doctors and Marion behind the desk could say

hello and show her all the mental health pamphlets.

What else?

What else do I do with my life?

I think that might be it.

There's lots of things you could record and send to her.

And then in years to come, she'll have all those memories of her gran to look

back on.

I wish I had some videos of my granny I could watch.

Do you miss her, do you?

I do, yeah.

She was such a brilliant woman.

I mean, she had hardly any money of her own, but she would always buy us a wee

toy or a wee sweetie from the shop.

She was just one of those people that put everybody else first.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I knew if I spoke about it, I'd get upset.

Oh, don't you worry.

Let it out, Michelle.

Let it out.

I'll go and get you a wee drop of loo roll.

Oh.

Thanks.

Silly. No.

You're all so brilliant.

Aw.

I'm so glad you came.

Especially you, Cathy.

Oh, thanks, Michelle.

Seriously, I know I've not always hit it off, but... What are you talking about?

Oh, it's just sometimes I get a wee feeling that you've maybe got a bit of a

problem with me.

Me?

A problem? Where are you getting that from?

Oh, I don't know. It's just sometimes a feeling I get when we see each other.

But you know what?

Maybe I'm just imagining it.

Whatever, it doesn't matter.

I just want us to be friends.

Oh, that's so nice.

Isn't that nice, Cathy?

Uh -huh.

Give us a hug.

What?

Give us a hug.

Faith.

No.

No.

Just give it one here.

OK, that's enough.

Thank you.

That's enough.

There you are.

Oh, dear.

What time is it?

Don't you even think about leaving, missus?

It's still early.

And we've not even watched the film yet.

What film are we getting, Michelle?

Anyone you want.

Have you got Predator, Michelle?

I was thinking more of a girly film.

What about Crocodile Dundee? What about Grease? We're not watching fucking

Grease.

No. What about Dirty Dancing?

Oh, Dirty Dancing. I absolutely love that film. What about something actually

dirty?

What? Something where they go all the way.

Let's watch a porno.

Kathy. Come on, just for a laugh.

No. Well, don't tell me you've never seen one.

Me? Yeah, of course I've seen one.

Well, what do you like?

What? What sort of stuff are you into?

Oh, Kathy.

Well, I've only seen little bits of some, to be honest.

Oh, much the same, Michelle.

Plumber turns up at the door to fix the sink.

Next thing you know, he's got his dungarees around his ankles and she's up

the kitchen table writhing like an eel.

I know, it's all different now. It's all online.

Different categories and stuff.

What do you mean, categories?

Michelle, where's your laptop?

Oh, Michelle, girls' night. Bit of fun.

I cannot believe we're doing this.

Oh, boom.

I'm going to get a glass of water. Can I get anybody anything else?

Oh, well, if we're watching pornography, Beth, I'll take a coffee.

Hey, what's your password?

Shelley86.

Here we go.

Here along the top is all the different categories of stuff.

It's not that dissimilar to the layout of the B &Q site.

OK, so what shall we watch?

There's amateurs, anal, Asian, big tits, big dick, blowjob, bondage, bi -MMF.

What's that?

Bisexual, male, male, female.

It's actually quite good.

Cathy, just pick something not too strong.

OK.

Oh.

Beth, Beth, interracial threesome or underwater handjob?

Both.

Ponytail's just getting in the road.

She said, have that up my bun.

All right?

You all right?

Good, aye.

Hi, Alan.

So you had a nice night?

Aye, good.

How was yours?

Yeah, it's been great, hasn't it?

Yeah, it's lovely.

Had a few drinks, a nice chat.

Oh, yeah, I might get a wee bit upset, but they were all brilliant and we had a

nice wee hug, didn't we?

Yeah.

Oh, and we had the music on as well.

Oh, yeah, we were up dancing and Christine was showing us her moves,

you? Aye, I was.

And then that was us just making a satin of porn there, Alan.

Thank you

so much, Michelle.

Just lovely.

Oh, you're welcome.

You should do it more often.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks, Michelle.

And you let me know if you want me to help you with that thing for Madison,

wee video.

Aye. Oh, and maybe we could try to do something on Tuesday when it's blue

Yes.

Thanks, hen.

Thanks, Michelle.

Right, come on.

Thanks for coming, Kathy.

Oh, no bother, Michelle.

It's so good to see you.

Oh, I was actually saying Colin quite a lot in my head tonight.

I've just taken that bottle of Sambuca with me.

Bye now.

Bye. See you later.

So you had a good night then?

Aye, not bad, aye.

How's Davy?

Aye, fine, aye.

Have you split up, Belinda?

Don't know, never asked.

Right, well, I think I'm ready to head up there.

Are you?

Do you fancy coming up too?

Oh, far.

Uh -huh.

Aye, all right.

Two texts till I got a wee glass of milk.

We ended up going for an Indian.

Oh.