Original subtitles

Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

in a packed programme tonight, we shall be talking to a gunsmith who invented a

sage and onion bullet so you can shoot the goose and stuff it at the same time.

Then a very wealthy man who was a snowplough driver in Trinidad will

tell us how he fiddled his overtime.

And then we shall be discussing potholing and why it ruins the bedroom

But first, the news. We've just heard that three desperate criminals who

from Dartmoor yesterday in appalling weather conditions have been recaptured.

One was in Jersey, another in Cardigan, and a third was in a nice woolly jumper

his mummy made.

British Rail have announced that they have developed a new engine that is so

fast it can travel from London to Reading before its driver gets a pay

British rail research scientists have come up with a new theorem for the

cold. It doesn't cure the cold, but your nose will only run in good weather.

And tonight we applaud the generosity of a cinema in Peebles who put up a notice

saying old age pensioners admitted free if accompanied by their parents.

But serious news from the village of Lower Munsden come Widdicombe Magna de

Zouche on the Little Waverley with the Upper Walbury Spookley.

It's now completely cut off from the rest of the world as the signpost is

blocking the road.

A survey on the decline of morals in the country reveals today that last week in

Liverpool alone an average of 267 women made love to an unmarried man.

The man is now recovering in hospital.

A sketch in which Mr. Ronnie Barker plays the part of a bridegroom who finds

there is no bed in the honeymoon suite and has to stand up for his conjugal

right.

That sounds like someone that does.

I'll get it.

Good morning, sonny. Is your mummy in?

It's another one of them sales, my love.

I wonder if I can interest you in a nice set of encyclopedias full of very

interesting information.

Do you think I could? For example, did you know that Lake Siberia and Lake

Balkash has an area of no less than 7 ,050 square miles?

Yes.

Well, did you know that the river Yangtze -kiang in China is some 3 ,400

long? Yes.

Oh, well, did you know that the highest mountain in South America is Mount

Ilampu, being some 23 ,012 feet high? Oh, dear, I think you're wrong there,

No, no, the highest mountain in South America is surely Mount Akanagua, isn't

it? Which is over 69 feet higher than the Ilampu. Isn't that right, our Elsie?

Nearer. It's the highest mountain in South America's Mount Cotopaxi, surely?

Of course it is. I'll tell you what, it's Owl Lily. She'll know. Lily, what's

the highest mountain in South America, love? Oh, you're not stuck on that one

again, are you? Mount Chimborazo. No, I'm sure it's the Aconagu Owl, isn't it,

love? It's Chimborazo. It's true as I'm standing here. You're not standing

there, are you? You're sitting down.

Never mind that. Let's try another one. Did you know that when Dr. Johnson said,

many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage, he was referring to... No,

wasn't Dr. Johnson. That was George Bernard Shaw. That was never Dr.

Johnson, was it, our Elsie? Dr.

Johnson, isn't he a chap that said, let me smile with the wise and feed with the

rich? Yeah, that's the boy. I was just talking to Mrs. Butterworth about him

this morning.

Butterworth?

Oh, she's never done that, has she? Oh, I was just putting the finishing touches

to a thesis on that we said.

Look, never mind about all that. Would you like to tell me what the diameter of

the planet Neptune is compared with our own good Earth? Now, I can tell you that

because I was just working that out myself when I was putting the finishing

touches to the sister in the lobby.

I tell you, the diameter of the planet Neptune is 31 ,000 miles, and compared

with our own mere 7 ,926 miles, is a ratio of 41.

Isn't that right, our Elsa?

Ah, that's right, our Elsa.

All right, let's dispense with this kiddy -winky stuff here. I want you to

translate, or convert is a better word, I want you to convert 70 degrees

Fahrenheit to Riamur. 16 .8. 120?

39. 10 .1. 160.

56 .8. Damn, damn, damn.

What is the name of the dwarf monkey which lives in the Amazonian mountains

feeds on small flowers, fruits, shoots and cheroots and small birds?

Oh, that's the word. It's marmoset.

What is the name of the bird called

after its remarkable call and remarkable because it lays eggs in other birds'

nests?

3 ,748 ,521.

Who was it then? Max Bygrave.

The great galaxy of Andromeda.

Oh, goodness. I have not sold a book all week. You know absolutely everything.

Don't worry. Don't take on that. I'll buy a set of your boots.

You will? Yeah. It'll be two pounds a week for five weeks.

Oh.

How much is that? What's two pounds a week for five weeks?

Ten pounds. Ten pounds? Never ten. What's five twos, Lily?

Seven. Seven, is it seven? No, what is five? No, five times is ten.

Good

evening.

I'm the Minister of Inflation.

Now... Now, what is inflation? Well, look at this graph here.

It shows the cost of spending a penny at Euston Station every year since 1884.

Of course, there are very few people alive today who have actually done that.

But the drop does serve one very useful purpose.

I can hang my umbrella on it.

Now, what about prices?

Now, these trousers, for example.

Now, what do we notice?

Well, first, they've got three legs.

That's, of course, just to be on the safe side.

Unless you live in the King's Road, in which case there's no safe side.

Trousers are going up alarmingly. Now, what does this give us, apart from a

voice?

It means in seven years' time, only millionaires will be still wearing the

trousers. And, of course, my wife.

Now, let us look upskirts.

They are going up faster than trousers. And, of course, Y -fronts are out of all

proportion.

The trouble is, you see, the trouble is that the pound is no longer worth the

paper it's printed on. In fact, if you take your pound to a scrap paper

merchant, he'll give you three pounds for it.

By 1984, paper hankies will be six pounds each, so it'll be cheaper to blow

nose on a fiver.

But what about the government, I hear someone ask, but not quite as politely

that. Well, take me, for example. The fact is, my secretary, Miss Rita

and myself have barely got two pennies to rub between us.

Let me try, then.

Fun, isn't it?

But what are we in the government going to do about this crisis? Quite simple.

We're going to resign.

But meanwhile, certain economies will have to be made. First, let me tell you

about the system known as barter.

As all paper is now useless, I wrote a check on this hot water bottle. It's

in the pocket, smells nice.

Oh, if you like that sort of thing.

And unlike a check, it can't bounce.

Well, only a bit.

Another remedy is to use animals as money. Now, yesterday I went into a

restaurant where they make lovely dishes out of useless money. I had a nice

meal. I had fried fibres, peas and half -peas, with a crisp... Not

split peas, half -peas. With a crisp pound -note salad. All I had in my

was a couple of rabbits.

So I gave the waiter seven of them.

I said, waiter, there's a fly in my soup. He said, that's your change.

How does it all work?

Now, take my wife.

She's worth a cow and a sheep.

My mother -in -law, just a cow.

They could buy each other and I'd be left with the sheep. And I could then

the sheep on a horse and win 10 ,000 hamsters and the 2 ,000 guinea pigs at

Kempton Park.

Dogs could also be used.

Now, here is a rough example.

And here is a smooth example.

The system, of course, would be decimal, ten poms to the poodle, ten poodles to

the puddle, and a hundred dog peas in the dog pile.

The whole thing is catching on. Only today at Christie's a constable went for

Great Dane, and a Great Dane went for a postman.

However, I have suggested an even simpler system, and the chance of the

exchequer has given me his full support.

Though what it's full of, I can't tell you.

Inflation has caused shares to drop, prices have gone up and living standards

have come down. Therefore, my remedy is to reverse all the present trends.

We've got to pick ourselves down, stand on our own two hands and undo our own

things. Good night.

We'll be right back.

We'll be right back.

He took his place with Coleman Hawkins, Joseph uttered Swinging, singing,

trumpet master, praising ideas that much faster Homesick for his little deaf

Chicago He went back and set up the classic hot pipe Soon his fame

the world was spreading. They were calling Cashmoe the greatest of life.

And from a gnome he loved to blow. With cats like Louie, Russell, Zooty, the two

dumb brothers.

Recording time, snatching his pride. In misbehaving Basin Street and so many

others. He let the all -stars all over the world in fact.

History will call him ambassador.

Doing his way to the hearts of the mankind.

Thank you.

And the famous, oh yeah!

and straight after surgery. Thank you very much. Good morning.

Ah,

good morning.

Morning, Doctor.

Would you mind just slipping behind the screen and stripping down to your bra

and pants, please?

Oh, I can't, Doctor. It's so embarrassing.

Oh, don't be so silly.

I'm a doctor.

I've got hundreds of patients outside waiting to see me now. Please, hurry up

and let's have no nonsense.

Oh, very well, Doctor.

It's gracious of me.

I'll have a next.

Morning.

I like it.

Now, perhaps we can get on with some work. Take a letter, would you please,

Williams?

The Clumsy Drug Affair.

Piggy and Charlie, having tracked the gang to Marseilles, had managed to

a map of the villain's hideout, drawn on a pair of ladies' panties. But even as

they studied the contours, the beautiful owner of the aforementioned

unmentionables was planning to give our two heroes a dose of the dreaded clumsy

drug itself, planted inside the speciality of the house.

At the panty does dance.

Piggy and Charlie, disguised as the two villains, were confronted by the real

villains themselves.

And the balloon went up.

Piggy alone ate the cake.

And now the awful effects began to show themselves as the loyal Charlie helped

him back to their hotel bedroom.

Come in, Chief.

Oh, we're calling.

Oh, dear.

Look, you... You'd better sit down. I mean, this drug's obviously got some

powerful effects.

Yeah. Sweet.

Sorry.

All right.

All right.

Sit down now. That's it.

Has it hurt at all? No, no, it doesn't hurt. No, it's just basically difficult

to control your movement. That's all, isn't it?

Well, according to London, it only lasts a short while. Yeah. Matter of fact, I

think it's wearing off already.

Never mind. I've ordered you a drink. I'll go in and get this stuff off my

and I'll come out and help you to bed.

You see, this drug's got some very powerful side effects.

Yeah. Got some pretty horrible front effects and all.

We'll just sit down there and we'll get all ten... What's that?

Notes.

From Madame Cocotte.

I am in deadly danger. Meet me at midnight in the El Fatale Cub.

17. Rude remarks.

Arab quarter.

Wait for me there, please, please.

Then in a private room, I will reveal everything to you.

Put like that, we can hardly refuse, can we?

I think you're fit enough, you know.

I mean, you know, still a bit clumsy.

All right, two hours yet, isn't it, that?

Oh, it'll have worn off by then.

There we are, then.

For the sake of that poor, unprotected, magnificently built woman, we will go.

To the El Fatale Club.

Two light ales, please.

Can we eat something?

A

bit

of

a dump, this, isn't it? A real den of iniquity.

This is the place where that American beauty queen had a few drinks, took off

her blouse and danced topless.

Didn't you read it in the papers?

She said she only did it for the last.

Did she get any? She attracted a couple of titties.

What do you want to do that for?

Oh, I'm sorry, Chief. I couldn't help it.

My God.

They've drugged the drinks. Are you all right?

This drink's all right.

But you're acting clumsy, aren't you?

That's not the drug.

I just am clumsy sometimes.

Just naturally clumsy, you know. Oh, I see.

Those stupid fools have arrived.

They've walked right into the trap.

All we have to do now is to cross in on them.

Be patient, my dear Bob Job. Give it time, give it time.

Our dear Madame Cocotte has to set things up at the villa.

What's this?

You ordered.

It's a long time since I've had light ale in Germany.

Nice.

You must expect strange messes in these sort of exotic places, you know.

I've gone off it now.

Who's that woman got to?

She's probably pouring herself into one of those low -cut dresses she wears.

What, you mean like her over there?

You don't get many of those for the pound.

I wonder what's holding her up.

What, didn't that go over there?

No, I mean Madame Cocotte.

Oh, nothing.

Oh, well.

I'm seeing her in an equijet.

I mean, why is she late?

Oh.

Hey, Chief, do you think we look a bit sparse in here, a bit suspicious -like?

Yeah, it's probably all right.

Perhaps we'd better have a dance.

You'd be even more suspicious.

You'd be arrested for that sort of thing here, you know.

I didn't mean together.

I meant pick out a couple of birds.

Frankly, I don't advise it.

Why? The only two birds that aren't dancing are sitting over there.

Oh, dear.

Yeah, they're men, aren't they?

I don't know.

Wouldn't fancy trying to find out. It'd be a terrible disappointment either way.

I'm sure they're fellas.

Look, they're moving.

Just shows you how wrong you can be, doesn't it?

Still don't fancy tripping the light fantastic round the dance floor with

though.

She's obviously not coming.

Something's happened to her.

Come on, let's go.

I've had a bellyful of this place.

Have you a light, monsieur?

Is this the end for our two heroes?

What of Madame Cotlot? Is she in some bedroom somewhere, lying in wait with a

silencer? Or lying in silence with a waiter?

Find out next week in another exciting episode, Villa of a Villainy.

Here is a very funny joke that will make you laugh.

Well, I don't suppose it will make everybody laugh.

I mean, that, as I have said before, from this very chair, is a matter of

circumstances. I mean, if your wife has gone off to her pottery class and left

you at home explaining the Kama Sutra to the Swedish au pair, then we won't get

much change out of you until the epilogue.

but good luck and try not to break anything.

Now, I found this joke, I'll be honest, I found this joke when I was browsing

through the Reader's Digest, November 1947, and I read it between an article

entitled I Neglected My Spleen and My Kneecaps Fell Off and

a very interesting piece about a lady who brought up a

family of 14 with one hand while waiting for director inquiries.

few letters about that one. Now, this joke, this joke is actually the first

story I ever told when I came into show business.

Now, I went into show business, you know, when my father's business went

He was running a damaged pet shop.

You know, you could go in and you could go in and get, you know, a flat

hedgehog.

And if two cats collided, he would collect what was left and try and make

good one.

However, I say, I actually told this joke at my very first stage appearance,

which was at a little night spot in downtown Stoke Poges.

The St John's Women's Institute, our go -go, it was called.

We used to get a pretty motley crowd in there, you know, mostly.

Cigarette smokers and aspirin drinkers.

With a sprinkling of centipod drinkers.

On the run.

And the heavy mob from Weight Watchers.

Now, if you... One

of the centipod drinkers trying to get out.

If you were known in this club, you could sometimes buy, you know, a hot

knitting pattern or a... or a packet of saucy brass rubbings.

And if you didn't care to watch the cabaret and you fancied a little

you could go upstairs to the Doris Archer room, which incidentally was

renamed the Arthur Stomp Weasel Suite as a mark of respect for the old caretaker

who was accidentally locked in all night with the scoutmaster.

And it's never been the same since.

Or never been the same since.

Lots of letters about that as well.

Some say it was an accident and some say it was done on purpose because he was

suspected of being a traffic warden's narc.

I remember the gaming room very, very clearly.

It was just opened and they were very, very short of equipment.

Good heavens. I saw a chap call abundance declare on six, seven, eight

three beer mats, two Ravitas and a Marley Tire.

Anyway, all that is really nothing to do with what I set out to tell you.

I seem to have wandered from the point a bit.

Sometimes I wish I'd kept on that course.

I took the course once in positive thinking.

Did it for two years, and I couldn't make up my mind whether to stay on or

At last, I've got it.

And I also remember the joke. Well, the story concerns a lady who advertised for

a handyman.

And a chap turned up, and she said, now, she said, I shall want you to look

after the garden and paint the garage.

And he said, well, I'm sorry, I don't do gardening on account of my back, and I

am allergic to paint. She said, well...

Could you mend the fence?

He said, well, he said, that's carpentry, isn't it? He said, I don't

carpentry. She said, well, could you, you could clean the windows.

Well, he said, no, he said, I might fall off the ladder and kill myself, you

know.

I don't want to do that because I'm all I've got.

She said, well, my good man, he said, I don't, she said, I don't wish to hurt

your feeling, she said, but to be perfectly frank.

You seem to me to be about as much good as a glass eye or a joke book at a

funeral.

She said to him, what makes you think you're so handy?

He said, well, I only live round the corner.

Thank you, thank you.

Just a quick word before we start off. Due to circumstances beyond his control,

the lad who was playing the part of Rodney had to get married on Saturday

at this moment having a wonderful time up a Swiss Alp.

George Biggins, however, has agreed to play the part at an hour's notice and

shut the butcher shop early especially.

My wife's still playing one of the lovers, so we hope for a bit of fun

By the by, if there are any men, who wish to join the Dramatic Society. Not

women. I've got enough of those to last me a lifetime.

They're just men.

Please see me after the performance backstage, will you?

If you can get round.

No room to swing a cat back here.

Young Trevor will have to find another hobby.

We've painted all the scenery ourselves.

Right, on we go then. Let's get on with it, could we? Thank you.

Right, let's get on.

Something's on the table.

So, this is the elegant Mayfair flat I've heard so much about.

It's beautiful.

Tell me, what's it like being a successful novelist, Charles?

at the same time.

Money isn't everything, darling.

Money?

Money cannot bring happiness, but it enables you to be miserable in comfort.

What has money brought me, dear?

You've got your yacht in camp.

Oh, you're so lucky. You can lie on the...

Oh, summer.

Heaven.

I get tired of lying in cans.

One feels so like a sardine.

He's miles away up at Oxford.

Master Radley, sir.

Good heavens.

What?

Hello,

Pops.

Radley, why are you not up at Oxford?

They sent me down, Pops. Dash rotten.

Look, wasn't it?

person like you by pushing you aside in such a way. Like that.

How dare they put a sensitive person aside?

I mean, they know you must be... I mean, they treat you... Thank you very much.

They treat you as though you're some... Treat you as though you're some country

bumpkin.

Cynthia will mix you a cocktail.

I thought I'd never see you again.

Charles, your father doesn't know about us, does he?

I've told him.

I've told him nothing.

Well, as long as it's a little one, I'm not really old enough.

Er, no.

What?

We both know what we were doing. We both know that. We both know what we were

doing.

disconnected. Knockers!

If you want people to leave you alone, you should have your knockers

disconnected.

forever.

I don't know where to start.

Turn over.

What a curious expression, Snithier.

I'm going to look for my son and tell him that his Cynthia's flat out on the

sofa, on top of which his son is behaving very underhanded behind his

under his very nose.

So this is the end.

this old girl.

I am her husband, Gaston Gerard, at your service.

I come from France.

Did you not get my letter?

Husband? Oh, it's true. I've deceived you. You, Rodney, your father, your

grandfather. But I don't care. All I wanted was adventure.

Oh, well, if that's how things are, then I am off.

I'm going back to somewhere.

Well, I know I'm always welcome.

you again.

Well, that's all for this week. Next week, we'll have an excerpt from the new

grand opera, Eskimo Nell, in which a 17 -stone contralto sings, You're tiny and

it's frozen.

And we'll have with us a very, very unlucky man.

He crossed an enormous pear tree with a couple of blue tits.

enormous pair of blue trees.

But here's the late news.

Streakers in the greater London area are now being faced with Scotland Yard's

latest countermeasure, police dogs with wet noses.

And at this evening's meeting of the Clock and Watchmakers Federation, the

chairman was given a big hand, the vice -chairman a little hand, and the meeting

was round up.

News from the courts. British Rail won their case against a party of rabbis

today. They claimed that though they were the children of Israel, this did

entitle them to travel half -fair.

And in the divorce court, a man told the judge that his wife, an enthusiastic

traffic warden, had painted double yellow lines around her waist and had

him 15 times already this month.

He didn't mind paying the fines, but he did object when she kept towing him

away.

Well, that's all we have time for this week, so it's goodnight from me. And

goodnight from him. Goodnight.