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00:00:28,340 --> 00:00:31,700
Good evening. It's nice to be with you
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

2
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in a packed programme tonight, we shall
be talking to a gunsmith who invented a

3
00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:38,660
sage and onion bullet so you can shoot
the goose and stuff it at the same time.

4
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:46,260
Then a very wealthy man who was a
snowplough driver in Trinidad will

5
00:00:46,260 --> 00:00:49,520
tell us how he fiddled his overtime.

6
00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:55,780
And then we shall be discussing
potholing and why it ruins the bedroom

7
00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:07,180
But first, the news. We've just heard
that three desperate criminals who

8
00:01:07,180 --> 00:01:11,320
from Dartmoor yesterday in appalling
weather conditions have been recaptured.

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One was in Jersey, another in Cardigan,
and a third was in a nice woolly jumper

10
00:01:15,820 --> 00:01:16,820
his mummy made.

11
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:22,640
British Rail have announced that they
have developed a new engine that is so

12
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fast it can travel from London to
Reading before its driver gets a pay

13
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:35,860
British rail research scientists have
come up with a new theorem for the

14
00:01:35,860 --> 00:01:40,160
cold. It doesn't cure the cold, but your
nose will only run in good weather.

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And tonight we applaud the generosity of
a cinema in Peebles who put up a notice

16
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:49,420
saying old age pensioners admitted free
if accompanied by their parents.

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00:01:54,220 --> 00:01:59,000
But serious news from the village of
Lower Munsden come Widdicombe Magna de

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00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,640
Zouche on the Little Waverley with the
Upper Walbury Spookley.

19
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:06,000
It's now completely cut off from the
rest of the world as the signpost is

20
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,000
blocking the road.

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00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:14,840
A survey on the decline of morals in the
country reveals today that last week in

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Liverpool alone an average of 267 women
made love to an unmarried man.

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00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,340
The man is now recovering in hospital.

24
00:02:25,420 --> 00:02:30,540
A sketch in which Mr. Ronnie Barker
plays the part of a bridegroom who finds

25
00:02:30,540 --> 00:02:34,720
there is no bed in the honeymoon suite
and has to stand up for his conjugal

26
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right.

27
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:51,400
That sounds like someone that does.

28
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:54,260
I'll get it.

29
00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:05,320
Good morning, sonny. Is your mummy in?

30
00:03:09,420 --> 00:03:11,800
It's another one of them sales, my love.

31
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:16,080
I wonder if I can interest you in a nice
set of encyclopedias full of very

32
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,080
interesting information.

33
00:03:17,220 --> 00:03:21,400
Do you think I could? For example, did
you know that Lake Siberia and Lake

34
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:25,540
Balkash has an area of no less than 7
,050 square miles?

35
00:03:25,820 --> 00:03:26,820
Yes.

36
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:33,500
Well, did you know that the river
Yangtze -kiang in China is some 3 ,400

37
00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:34,500
long? Yes.

38
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:39,320
Oh, well, did you know that the highest
mountain in South America is Mount

39
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:45,160
Ilampu, being some 23 ,012 feet high?
Oh, dear, I think you're wrong there,

40
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:49,080
No, no, the highest mountain in South
America is surely Mount Akanagua, isn't

41
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:53,340
it? Which is over 69 feet higher than
the Ilampu. Isn't that right, our Elsie?

42
00:03:54,020 --> 00:03:58,880
Nearer. It's the highest mountain in
South America's Mount Cotopaxi, surely?

43
00:03:59,140 --> 00:04:02,080
Of course it is. I'll tell you what,
it's Owl Lily. She'll know. Lily, what's

44
00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:05,140
the highest mountain in South America,
love? Oh, you're not stuck on that one

45
00:04:05,140 --> 00:04:08,840
again, are you? Mount Chimborazo. No,
I'm sure it's the Aconagu Owl, isn't it,

46
00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:12,140
love? It's Chimborazo. It's true as I'm
standing here. You're not standing

47
00:04:12,140 --> 00:04:13,300
there, are you? You're sitting down.

48
00:04:14,060 --> 00:04:18,740
Never mind that. Let's try another one.
Did you know that when Dr. Johnson said,

49
00:04:18,820 --> 00:04:21,980
many a good hanging prevents a bad
marriage, he was referring to... No,

50
00:04:21,980 --> 00:04:24,780
wasn't Dr. Johnson. That was George
Bernard Shaw. That was never Dr.

51
00:04:25,020 --> 00:04:26,560
Johnson, was it, our Elsie? Dr.

52
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:31,760
Johnson, isn't he a chap that said, let
me smile with the wise and feed with the

53
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:36,600
rich? Yeah, that's the boy. I was just
talking to Mrs. Butterworth about him

54
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:37,600
this morning.

55
00:04:38,340 --> 00:04:39,340
Butterworth?

56
00:04:44,270 --> 00:04:48,150
Oh, she's never done that, has she? Oh,
I was just putting the finishing touches

57
00:04:48,150 --> 00:04:49,410
to a thesis on that we said.

58
00:04:50,130 --> 00:04:53,970
Look, never mind about all that. Would
you like to tell me what the diameter of

59
00:04:53,970 --> 00:05:00,070
the planet Neptune is compared with our
own good Earth? Now, I can tell you that

60
00:05:00,070 --> 00:05:03,150
because I was just working that out
myself when I was putting the finishing

61
00:05:03,150 --> 00:05:05,010
touches to the sister in the lobby.

62
00:05:07,130 --> 00:05:11,630
I tell you, the diameter of the planet
Neptune is 31 ,000 miles, and compared

63
00:05:11,630 --> 00:05:16,150
with our own mere 7 ,926 miles, is a
ratio of 41.

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00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:17,790
Isn't that right, our Elsa?

65
00:05:18,010 --> 00:05:19,790
Ah, that's right, our Elsa.

66
00:05:20,090 --> 00:05:23,250
All right, let's dispense with this
kiddy -winky stuff here. I want you to

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00:05:23,250 --> 00:05:28,070
translate, or convert is a better word,
I want you to convert 70 degrees

68
00:05:28,070 --> 00:05:31,630
Fahrenheit to Riamur. 16 .8. 120?

69
00:05:32,130 --> 00:05:33,980
39. 10 .1. 160.

70
00:05:34,380 --> 00:05:36,620
56 .8. Damn, damn, damn.

71
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:42,440
What is the name of the dwarf monkey
which lives in the Amazonian mountains

72
00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:46,640
feeds on small flowers, fruits, shoots
and cheroots and small birds?

73
00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:48,820
Oh, that's the word. It's marmoset.

74
00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:55,700
What is the name of the bird called

75
00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:59,740
after its remarkable call and remarkable
because it lays eggs in other birds'

76
00:05:59,780 --> 00:06:00,780
nests?

77
00:06:07,890 --> 00:06:09,790
3 ,748 ,521.

78
00:06:10,230 --> 00:06:11,810
Who was it then? Max Bygrave.

79
00:06:13,170 --> 00:06:15,250
The great galaxy of Andromeda.

80
00:06:15,470 --> 00:06:19,530
Oh, goodness. I have not sold a book all
week. You know absolutely everything.

81
00:06:19,650 --> 00:06:22,770
Don't worry. Don't take on that. I'll
buy a set of your boots.

82
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,390
You will? Yeah. It'll be two pounds a
week for five weeks.

83
00:06:25,670 --> 00:06:26,670
Oh.

84
00:06:27,030 --> 00:06:29,510
How much is that? What's two pounds a
week for five weeks?

85
00:06:31,390 --> 00:06:34,550
Ten pounds. Ten pounds? Never ten.
What's five twos, Lily?

86
00:06:35,850 --> 00:06:39,290
Seven. Seven, is it seven? No, what is
five? No, five times is ten.

87
00:06:39,690 --> 00:06:40,090
Good

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00:06:40,090 --> 00:06:53,550
evening.

89
00:06:54,190 --> 00:06:55,450
I'm the Minister of Inflation.

90
00:06:56,250 --> 00:07:02,590
Now... Now, what is inflation? Well,
look at this graph here.

91
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:09,040
It shows the cost of spending a penny at
Euston Station every year since 1884.

92
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,400
Of course, there are very few people
alive today who have actually done that.

93
00:07:13,260 --> 00:07:16,120
But the drop does serve one very useful
purpose.

94
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,040
I can hang my umbrella on it.

95
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:22,400
Now, what about prices?

96
00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:24,320
Now, these trousers, for example.

97
00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:25,980
Now, what do we notice?

98
00:07:26,860 --> 00:07:28,900
Well, first, they've got three legs.

99
00:07:31,060 --> 00:07:32,540
That's, of course, just to be on the
safe side.

100
00:07:33,380 --> 00:07:36,140
Unless you live in the King's Road, in
which case there's no safe side.

101
00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:41,540
Trousers are going up alarmingly. Now,
what does this give us, apart from a

102
00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:42,540
voice?

103
00:07:45,860 --> 00:07:49,540
It means in seven years' time, only
millionaires will be still wearing the

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00:07:49,540 --> 00:07:51,420
trousers. And, of course, my wife.

105
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,120
Now, let us look upskirts.

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00:07:57,140 --> 00:08:01,640
They are going up faster than trousers.
And, of course, Y -fronts are out of all

107
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proportion.

108
00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:07,200
The trouble is, you see, the trouble is
that the pound is no longer worth the

109
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:09,700
paper it's printed on. In fact, if you
take your pound to a scrap paper

110
00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:11,240
merchant, he'll give you three pounds
for it.

111
00:08:11,940 --> 00:08:16,160
By 1984, paper hankies will be six
pounds each, so it'll be cheaper to blow

112
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:17,160
nose on a fiver.

113
00:08:17,700 --> 00:08:20,920
But what about the government, I hear
someone ask, but not quite as politely

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00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:25,140
that. Well, take me, for example. The
fact is, my secretary, Miss Rita

115
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,580
and myself have barely got two pennies
to rub between us.

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Let me try, then.

117
00:08:32,330 --> 00:08:33,149
Fun, isn't it?

118
00:08:33,150 --> 00:08:37,630
But what are we in the government going
to do about this crisis? Quite simple.

119
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We're going to resign.

120
00:08:40,470 --> 00:08:44,090
But meanwhile, certain economies will
have to be made. First, let me tell you

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00:08:44,090 --> 00:08:45,290
about the system known as barter.

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00:08:45,830 --> 00:08:50,110
As all paper is now useless, I wrote a
check on this hot water bottle. It's

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00:08:50,110 --> 00:08:51,530
in the pocket, smells nice.

124
00:08:51,870 --> 00:08:53,230
Oh, if you like that sort of thing.

125
00:08:54,330 --> 00:08:56,390
And unlike a check, it can't bounce.

126
00:08:58,750 --> 00:08:59,750
Well, only a bit.

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Another remedy is to use animals as
money. Now, yesterday I went into a

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00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:06,590
restaurant where they make lovely dishes
out of useless money. I had a nice

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00:09:06,590 --> 00:09:13,590
meal. I had fried fibres, peas and half
-peas, with a crisp... Not

130
00:09:13,590 --> 00:09:18,350
split peas, half -peas. With a crisp
pound -note salad. All I had in my

131
00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:19,350
was a couple of rabbits.

132
00:09:19,570 --> 00:09:21,170
So I gave the waiter seven of them.

133
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,870
I said, waiter, there's a fly in my
soup. He said, that's your change.

134
00:09:29,550 --> 00:09:30,550
How does it all work?

135
00:09:30,910 --> 00:09:32,130
Now, take my wife.

136
00:09:32,730 --> 00:09:34,430
She's worth a cow and a sheep.

137
00:09:35,810 --> 00:09:37,150
My mother -in -law, just a cow.

138
00:09:38,910 --> 00:09:42,990
They could buy each other and I'd be
left with the sheep. And I could then

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00:09:42,990 --> 00:09:45,990
the sheep on a horse and win 10 ,000
hamsters and the 2 ,000 guinea pigs at

140
00:09:45,990 --> 00:09:46,990
Kempton Park.

141
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Dogs could also be used.

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Now, here is a rough example.

143
00:09:53,130 --> 00:09:55,370
And here is a smooth example.

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The system, of course, would be decimal,
ten poms to the poodle, ten poodles to

145
00:10:02,650 --> 00:10:05,130
the puddle, and a hundred dog peas in
the dog pile.

146
00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:13,110
The whole thing is catching on. Only
today at Christie's a constable went for

147
00:10:13,110 --> 00:10:15,070
Great Dane, and a Great Dane went for a
postman.

148
00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:19,730
However, I have suggested an even
simpler system, and the chance of the

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00:10:19,730 --> 00:10:21,330
exchequer has given me his full support.

150
00:10:21,980 --> 00:10:23,440
Though what it's full of, I can't tell
you.

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00:10:24,980 --> 00:10:27,920
Inflation has caused shares to drop,
prices have gone up and living standards

152
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,300
have come down. Therefore, my remedy is
to reverse all the present trends.

153
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:35,700
We've got to pick ourselves down, stand
on our own two hands and undo our own

154
00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:36,700
things. Good night.

155
00:10:58,620 --> 00:11:00,380
We'll be right back.

156
00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:23,780
We'll be right back.

157
00:11:41,420 --> 00:11:45,100
He took his place with Coleman Hawkins,
Joseph uttered Swinging, singing,

158
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:49,500
trumpet master, praising ideas that much
faster Homesick for his little deaf

159
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:54,790
Chicago He went back and set up the
classic hot pipe Soon his fame

160
00:11:54,790 --> 00:11:58,770
the world was spreading. They were
calling Cashmoe the greatest of life.

161
00:11:59,170 --> 00:12:04,370
And from a gnome he loved to blow. With
cats like Louie, Russell, Zooty, the two

162
00:12:04,370 --> 00:12:05,370
dumb brothers.

163
00:12:05,470 --> 00:12:10,170
Recording time, snatching his pride. In
misbehaving Basin Street and so many

164
00:12:10,170 --> 00:12:16,350
others. He let the all -stars all over
the world in fact.

165
00:12:16,690 --> 00:12:18,890
History will call him ambassador.

166
00:12:19,330 --> 00:12:21,630
Doing his way to the hearts of the
mankind.

167
00:12:22,730 --> 00:12:26,750
Thank you.

168
00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:18,980
And the famous, oh yeah!

169
00:13:28,460 --> 00:13:30,760
and straight after surgery. Thank you
very much. Good morning.

170
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:33,560
Ah,

171
00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:35,340
good morning.

172
00:13:35,580 --> 00:13:36,399
Morning, Doctor.

173
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,500
Would you mind just slipping behind the
screen and stripping down to your bra

174
00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:40,500
and pants, please?

175
00:13:40,540 --> 00:13:43,100
Oh, I can't, Doctor. It's so
embarrassing.

176
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:44,900
Oh, don't be so silly.

177
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:46,119
I'm a doctor.

178
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:49,640
I've got hundreds of patients outside
waiting to see me now. Please, hurry up

179
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:50,640
and let's have no nonsense.

180
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:51,840
Oh, very well, Doctor.

181
00:13:52,140 --> 00:13:53,140
It's gracious of me.

182
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:54,240
I'll have a next.

183
00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:57,760
Morning.

184
00:13:59,150 --> 00:13:59,989
I like it.

185
00:13:59,990 --> 00:14:02,590
Now, perhaps we can get on with some
work. Take a letter, would you please,

186
00:14:02,590 --> 00:14:03,590
Williams?

187
00:14:31,180 --> 00:14:32,660
The Clumsy Drug Affair.

188
00:14:33,620 --> 00:14:37,560
Piggy and Charlie, having tracked the
gang to Marseilles, had managed to

189
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:42,280
a map of the villain's hideout, drawn on
a pair of ladies' panties. But even as

190
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:45,880
they studied the contours, the beautiful
owner of the aforementioned

191
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:50,800
unmentionables was planning to give our
two heroes a dose of the dreaded clumsy

192
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:54,180
drug itself, planted inside the
speciality of the house.

193
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,560
At the panty does dance.

194
00:14:57,050 --> 00:15:01,390
Piggy and Charlie, disguised as the two
villains, were confronted by the real

195
00:15:01,390 --> 00:15:02,390
villains themselves.

196
00:15:02,690 --> 00:15:04,250
And the balloon went up.

197
00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:08,010
Piggy alone ate the cake.

198
00:15:08,450 --> 00:15:13,890
And now the awful effects began to show
themselves as the loyal Charlie helped

199
00:15:13,890 --> 00:15:15,490
him back to their hotel bedroom.

200
00:15:16,610 --> 00:15:17,610
Come in, Chief.

201
00:15:18,210 --> 00:15:19,210
Oh, we're calling.

202
00:15:19,730 --> 00:15:20,730
Oh, dear.

203
00:15:22,210 --> 00:15:25,980
Look, you... You'd better sit down. I
mean, this drug's obviously got some

204
00:15:25,980 --> 00:15:26,959
powerful effects.

205
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:27,960
Yeah. Sweet.

206
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:32,160
Sorry.

207
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:34,059
All right.

208
00:15:34,060 --> 00:15:34,699
All right.

209
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:35,780
Sit down now. That's it.

210
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:42,660
Has it hurt at all? No, no, it doesn't
hurt. No, it's just basically difficult

211
00:15:42,660 --> 00:15:44,100
to control your movement. That's all,
isn't it?

212
00:15:48,660 --> 00:15:51,940
Well, according to London, it only lasts
a short while. Yeah. Matter of fact, I

213
00:15:51,940 --> 00:15:52,940
think it's wearing off already.

214
00:15:55,460 --> 00:15:58,560
Never mind. I've ordered you a drink.
I'll go in and get this stuff off my

215
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,020
and I'll come out and help you to bed.

216
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,119
You see, this drug's got some very
powerful side effects.

217
00:17:08,380 --> 00:17:10,520
Yeah. Got some pretty horrible front
effects and all.

218
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:20,400
We'll just sit down there and we'll get
all ten... What's that?

219
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:22,440
Notes.

220
00:17:23,599 --> 00:17:24,800
From Madame Cocotte.

221
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:30,280
I am in deadly danger. Meet me at
midnight in the El Fatale Cub.

222
00:17:31,100 --> 00:17:32,680
17. Rude remarks.

223
00:17:38,540 --> 00:17:39,539
Arab quarter.

224
00:17:39,540 --> 00:17:43,120
Wait for me there, please, please.

225
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:48,140
Then in a private room, I will reveal
everything to you.

226
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:50,780
Put like that, we can hardly refuse, can
we?

227
00:17:50,980 --> 00:17:52,700
I think you're fit enough, you know.

228
00:17:53,060 --> 00:17:55,680
I mean, you know, still a bit clumsy.

229
00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:57,900
All right, two hours yet, isn't it,
that?

230
00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,360
Oh, it'll have worn off by then.

231
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:00,920
There we are, then.

232
00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:06,520
For the sake of that poor, unprotected,
magnificently built woman, we will go.

233
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,740
To the El Fatale Club.

234
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:41,280
Two light ales, please.

235
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,080
Can we eat something?

236
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:44,180
A

237
00:18:44,180 --> 00:18:53,700
bit

238
00:18:53,700 --> 00:19:03,520
of

239
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:06,320
a dump, this, isn't it? A real den of
iniquity.

240
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:11,120
This is the place where that American
beauty queen had a few drinks, took off

241
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,300
her blouse and danced topless.

242
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:15,160
Didn't you read it in the papers?

243
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,420
She said she only did it for the last.

244
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,180
Did she get any? She attracted a couple
of titties.

245
00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:55,410
What do you want to do that for?

246
00:19:55,530 --> 00:19:57,310
Oh, I'm sorry, Chief. I couldn't help
it.

247
00:19:57,830 --> 00:19:58,830
My God.

248
00:19:59,330 --> 00:20:01,270
They've drugged the drinks. Are you all
right?

249
00:20:01,530 --> 00:20:02,550
This drink's all right.

250
00:20:02,830 --> 00:20:04,390
But you're acting clumsy, aren't you?

251
00:20:04,650 --> 00:20:05,650
That's not the drug.

252
00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:07,870
I just am clumsy sometimes.

253
00:20:09,030 --> 00:20:11,470
Just naturally clumsy, you know. Oh, I
see.

254
00:20:29,260 --> 00:20:31,220
Those stupid fools have arrived.

255
00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:33,580
They've walked right into the trap.

256
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:36,840
All we have to do now is to cross in on
them.

257
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:40,480
Be patient, my dear Bob Job. Give it
time, give it time.

258
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:45,660
Our dear Madame Cocotte has to set
things up at the villa.

259
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:51,759
What's this?

260
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:52,760
You ordered.

261
00:20:56,620 --> 00:20:58,560
It's a long time since I've had light
ale in Germany.

262
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:00,040
Nice.

263
00:21:01,180 --> 00:21:04,320
You must expect strange messes in these
sort of exotic places, you know.

264
00:21:45,900 --> 00:21:46,900
I've gone off it now.

265
00:22:03,980 --> 00:22:05,120
Who's that woman got to?

266
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:09,360
She's probably pouring herself into one
of those low -cut dresses she wears.

267
00:22:10,100 --> 00:22:11,600
What, you mean like her over there?

268
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:17,620
You don't get many of those for the
pound.

269
00:22:20,540 --> 00:22:22,260
I wonder what's holding her up.

270
00:22:23,060 --> 00:22:24,260
What, didn't that go over there?

271
00:22:26,180 --> 00:22:28,140
No, I mean Madame Cocotte.

272
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:29,480
Oh, nothing.

273
00:22:30,460 --> 00:22:31,460
Oh, well.

274
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,340
I'm seeing her in an equijet.

275
00:22:36,260 --> 00:22:38,020
I mean, why is she late?

276
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:39,680
Oh.

277
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:44,320
Hey, Chief, do you think we look a bit
sparse in here, a bit suspicious -like?

278
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:45,880
Yeah, it's probably all right.

279
00:22:46,860 --> 00:22:48,000
Perhaps we'd better have a dance.

280
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:50,440
You'd be even more suspicious.

281
00:22:50,780 --> 00:22:52,340
You'd be arrested for that sort of thing
here, you know.

282
00:22:55,420 --> 00:22:57,340
I didn't mean together.

283
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:03,000
I meant pick out a couple of birds.

284
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:05,660
Frankly, I don't advise it.

285
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,500
Why? The only two birds that aren't
dancing are sitting over there.

286
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:14,320
Oh, dear.

287
00:23:15,139 --> 00:23:16,200
Yeah, they're men, aren't they?

288
00:23:17,220 --> 00:23:18,220
I don't know.

289
00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:23,280
Wouldn't fancy trying to find out. It'd
be a terrible disappointment either way.

290
00:23:25,660 --> 00:23:26,800
I'm sure they're fellas.

291
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:29,120
Look, they're moving.

292
00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:39,340
Just shows you how wrong you can be,
doesn't it?

293
00:23:40,580 --> 00:23:43,520
Still don't fancy tripping the light
fantastic round the dance floor with

294
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:44,560
though.

295
00:24:06,139 --> 00:24:07,400
She's obviously not coming.

296
00:24:08,020 --> 00:24:09,120
Something's happened to her.

297
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:11,660
Come on, let's go.

298
00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:14,520
I've had a bellyful of this place.

299
00:24:36,010 --> 00:24:37,330
Have you a light, monsieur?

300
00:24:43,630 --> 00:24:46,590
Is this the end for our two heroes?

301
00:24:46,870 --> 00:24:50,950
What of Madame Cotlot? Is she in some
bedroom somewhere, lying in wait with a

302
00:24:50,950 --> 00:24:53,370
silencer? Or lying in silence with a
waiter?

303
00:24:54,850 --> 00:24:59,510
Find out next week in another exciting
episode, Villa of a Villainy.

304
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:10,640
Here is a very funny joke that will make
you laugh.

305
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,920
Well, I don't suppose it will make
everybody laugh.

306
00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:18,360
I mean, that, as I have said before,
from this very chair, is a matter of

307
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:23,120
circumstances. I mean, if your wife has
gone off to her pottery class and left

308
00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:28,700
you at home explaining the Kama Sutra to
the Swedish au pair, then we won't get

309
00:25:28,700 --> 00:25:30,380
much change out of you until the
epilogue.

310
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:36,900
but good luck and try not to break
anything.

311
00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:42,380
Now, I found this joke, I'll be honest,
I found this joke when I was browsing

312
00:25:42,380 --> 00:25:48,380
through the Reader's Digest, November
1947, and I read it between an article

313
00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:52,480
entitled I Neglected My Spleen and My
Kneecaps Fell Off and

314
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:59,420
a very interesting piece about a lady
who brought up a

315
00:25:59,420 --> 00:26:03,340
family of 14 with one hand while waiting
for director inquiries.

316
00:26:10,570 --> 00:26:16,330
few letters about that one. Now, this
joke, this joke is actually the first

317
00:26:16,330 --> 00:26:18,990
story I ever told when I came into show
business.

318
00:26:19,230 --> 00:26:22,790
Now, I went into show business, you
know, when my father's business went

319
00:26:23,130 --> 00:26:25,110
He was running a damaged pet shop.

320
00:26:27,230 --> 00:26:31,790
You know, you could go in and you could
go in and get, you know, a flat

321
00:26:31,790 --> 00:26:32,790
hedgehog.

322
00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:48,620
And if two cats collided, he would
collect what was left and try and make

323
00:26:48,620 --> 00:26:49,620
good one.

324
00:26:51,780 --> 00:26:55,620
However, I say, I actually told this
joke at my very first stage appearance,

325
00:26:55,900 --> 00:27:00,160
which was at a little night spot in
downtown Stoke Poges.

326
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:06,080
The St John's Women's Institute, our go
-go, it was called.

327
00:27:07,340 --> 00:27:10,720
We used to get a pretty motley crowd in
there, you know, mostly.

328
00:27:11,530 --> 00:27:13,390
Cigarette smokers and aspirin drinkers.

329
00:27:15,030 --> 00:27:17,570
With a sprinkling of centipod drinkers.

330
00:27:18,570 --> 00:27:19,570
On the run.

331
00:27:22,730 --> 00:27:25,230
And the heavy mob from Weight Watchers.

332
00:27:26,610 --> 00:27:32,230
Now, if you... One

333
00:27:32,230 --> 00:27:36,090
of the centipod drinkers trying to get
out.

334
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:09,520
If you were known in this club, you
could sometimes buy, you know, a hot

335
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:14,540
knitting pattern or a... or a packet of
saucy brass rubbings.

336
00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:19,580
And if you didn't care to watch the
cabaret and you fancied a little

337
00:28:19,700 --> 00:28:24,480
you could go upstairs to the Doris
Archer room, which incidentally was

338
00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:30,200
renamed the Arthur Stomp Weasel Suite as
a mark of respect for the old caretaker

339
00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:32,820
who was accidentally locked in all night
with the scoutmaster.

340
00:28:36,010 --> 00:28:37,350
And it's never been the same since.

341
00:28:38,270 --> 00:28:39,630
Or never been the same since.

342
00:28:40,910 --> 00:28:42,370
Lots of letters about that as well.

343
00:28:44,090 --> 00:28:48,770
Some say it was an accident and some say
it was done on purpose because he was

344
00:28:48,770 --> 00:28:50,690
suspected of being a traffic warden's
narc.

345
00:28:52,250 --> 00:28:57,690
I remember the gaming room very, very
clearly.

346
00:28:58,210 --> 00:29:01,290
It was just opened and they were very,
very short of equipment.

347
00:29:01,870 --> 00:29:07,110
Good heavens. I saw a chap call
abundance declare on six, seven, eight

348
00:29:07,330 --> 00:29:09,790
three beer mats, two Ravitas and a
Marley Tire.

349
00:29:12,570 --> 00:29:18,290
Anyway, all that is really nothing to do
with what I set out to tell you.

350
00:29:18,570 --> 00:29:21,270
I seem to have wandered from the point a
bit.

351
00:29:21,630 --> 00:29:24,050
Sometimes I wish I'd kept on that
course.

352
00:29:24,710 --> 00:29:26,650
I took the course once in positive
thinking.

353
00:29:29,180 --> 00:29:31,660
Did it for two years, and I couldn't
make up my mind whether to stay on or

354
00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:37,920
At last, I've got it.

355
00:29:38,760 --> 00:29:45,420
And I also remember the joke. Well, the
story concerns a lady who advertised for

356
00:29:45,420 --> 00:29:46,279
a handyman.

357
00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:49,420
And a chap turned up, and she said, now,
she said, I shall want you to look

358
00:29:49,420 --> 00:29:51,400
after the garden and paint the garage.

359
00:29:51,780 --> 00:29:55,940
And he said, well, I'm sorry, I don't do
gardening on account of my back, and I

360
00:29:55,940 --> 00:29:58,280
am allergic to paint. She said, well...

361
00:29:58,610 --> 00:29:59,810
Could you mend the fence?

362
00:30:00,050 --> 00:30:02,630
He said, well, he said, that's
carpentry, isn't it? He said, I don't

363
00:30:02,630 --> 00:30:06,470
carpentry. She said, well, could you,
you could clean the windows.

364
00:30:07,170 --> 00:30:10,330
Well, he said, no, he said, I might fall
off the ladder and kill myself, you

365
00:30:10,330 --> 00:30:11,149
know.

366
00:30:11,150 --> 00:30:13,310
I don't want to do that because I'm all
I've got.

367
00:30:14,790 --> 00:30:18,150
She said, well, my good man, he said, I
don't, she said, I don't wish to hurt

368
00:30:18,150 --> 00:30:20,850
your feeling, she said, but to be
perfectly frank.

369
00:30:21,370 --> 00:30:25,730
You seem to me to be about as much good
as a glass eye or a joke book at a

370
00:30:25,730 --> 00:30:26,730
funeral.

371
00:30:27,270 --> 00:30:32,510
She said to him, what makes you think
you're so handy?

372
00:30:32,910 --> 00:30:34,750
He said, well, I only live round the
corner.

373
00:31:01,370 --> 00:31:02,370
Thank you, thank you.

374
00:31:03,030 --> 00:31:07,210
Just a quick word before we start off.
Due to circumstances beyond his control,

375
00:31:07,290 --> 00:31:12,450
the lad who was playing the part of
Rodney had to get married on Saturday

376
00:31:12,450 --> 00:31:14,870
at this moment having a wonderful time
up a Swiss Alp.

377
00:31:16,450 --> 00:31:20,850
George Biggins, however, has agreed to
play the part at an hour's notice and

378
00:31:20,850 --> 00:31:22,130
shut the butcher shop early especially.

379
00:31:23,110 --> 00:31:26,810
My wife's still playing one of the
lovers, so we hope for a bit of fun

380
00:31:27,590 --> 00:31:31,820
By the by, if there are any men, who
wish to join the Dramatic Society. Not

381
00:31:31,820 --> 00:31:33,940
women. I've got enough of those to last
me a lifetime.

382
00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:35,480
They're just men.

383
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,280
Please see me after the performance
backstage, will you?

384
00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:39,600
If you can get round.

385
00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:41,400
No room to swing a cat back here.

386
00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:44,000
Young Trevor will have to find another
hobby.

387
00:31:45,180 --> 00:31:46,760
We've painted all the scenery ourselves.

388
00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:49,060
Right, on we go then. Let's get on with
it, could we? Thank you.

389
00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:50,420
Right, let's get on.

390
00:32:05,230 --> 00:32:06,230
Something's on the table.

391
00:32:22,150 --> 00:32:26,650
So, this is the elegant Mayfair flat
I've heard so much about.

392
00:32:28,390 --> 00:32:29,490
It's beautiful.

393
00:32:30,110 --> 00:32:34,310
Tell me, what's it like being a
successful novelist, Charles?

394
00:32:44,650 --> 00:32:45,650
at the same time.

395
00:32:51,030 --> 00:32:53,110
Money isn't everything, darling.

396
00:32:53,730 --> 00:32:54,730
Money?

397
00:32:58,150 --> 00:33:03,170
Money cannot bring happiness, but it
enables you to be miserable in comfort.

398
00:33:05,010 --> 00:33:07,050
What has money brought me, dear?

399
00:33:07,390 --> 00:33:09,210
You've got your yacht in camp.

400
00:33:09,750 --> 00:33:12,410
Oh, you're so lucky. You can lie on
the...

401
00:33:13,770 --> 00:33:14,770
Oh, summer.

402
00:33:14,870 --> 00:33:15,870
Heaven.

403
00:33:17,210 --> 00:33:19,590
I get tired of lying in cans.

404
00:33:22,610 --> 00:33:24,950
One feels so like a sardine.

405
00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:37,659
He's miles away up at Oxford.

406
00:34:40,219 --> 00:34:41,880
Master Radley, sir.

407
00:34:42,300 --> 00:34:43,300
Good heavens.

408
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:44,800
What?

409
00:34:45,739 --> 00:34:46,739
Hello,

410
00:34:51,659 --> 00:34:52,659
Pops.

411
00:34:53,060 --> 00:34:54,900
Radley, why are you not up at Oxford?

412
00:34:55,219 --> 00:34:57,860
They sent me down, Pops. Dash rotten.

413
00:34:58,200 --> 00:34:59,220
Look, wasn't it?

414
00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:10,800
person like you by pushing you aside in
such a way. Like that.

415
00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:17,460
How dare they put a sensitive person
aside?

416
00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:21,600
I mean, they know you must be... I mean,
they treat you... Thank you very much.

417
00:35:21,700 --> 00:35:26,260
They treat you as though you're some...
Treat you as though you're some country

418
00:35:26,260 --> 00:35:27,260
bumpkin.

419
00:35:28,420 --> 00:35:30,140
Cynthia will mix you a cocktail.

420
00:35:46,630 --> 00:35:49,270
I thought I'd never see you again.

421
00:35:49,870 --> 00:35:54,510
Charles, your father doesn't know about
us, does he?

422
00:35:54,850 --> 00:35:55,850
I've told him.

423
00:35:56,730 --> 00:35:58,070
I've told him nothing.

424
00:36:20,970 --> 00:36:24,470
Well, as long as it's a little one, I'm
not really old enough.

425
00:36:30,270 --> 00:36:31,450
Er, no.

426
00:36:31,750 --> 00:36:32,750
What?

427
00:36:33,790 --> 00:36:39,730
We both know what we were doing. We both
know that. We both know what we were

428
00:36:39,730 --> 00:36:40,730
doing.

429
00:37:15,259 --> 00:37:16,259
disconnected. Knockers!

430
00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:23,220
If you want people to leave you alone,
you should have your knockers

431
00:37:23,220 --> 00:37:24,220
disconnected.

432
00:37:47,700 --> 00:37:48,700
forever.

433
00:37:49,020 --> 00:37:50,780
I don't know where to start.

434
00:37:51,740 --> 00:37:52,740
Turn over.

435
00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:04,640
What a curious expression, Snithier.

436
00:39:06,920 --> 00:39:09,920
I'm going to look for my son and tell
him that his Cynthia's flat out on the

437
00:39:09,920 --> 00:39:15,280
sofa, on top of which his son is
behaving very underhanded behind his

438
00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:16,660
under his very nose.

439
00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:01,560
So this is the end.

440
00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:34,160
this old girl.

441
00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:38,660
I am her husband, Gaston Gerard, at your
service.

442
00:40:39,020 --> 00:40:45,000
I come from France.

443
00:40:45,420 --> 00:40:46,960
Did you not get my letter?

444
00:40:47,500 --> 00:40:52,700
Husband? Oh, it's true. I've deceived
you. You, Rodney, your father, your

445
00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:56,540
grandfather. But I don't care. All I
wanted was adventure.

446
00:40:57,080 --> 00:41:00,000
Oh, well, if that's how things are, then
I am off.

447
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:02,520
I'm going back to somewhere.

448
00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:04,300
Well, I know I'm always welcome.

449
00:41:41,770 --> 00:41:42,770
you again.

450
00:42:31,880 --> 00:42:35,600
Well, that's all for this week. Next
week, we'll have an excerpt from the new

451
00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:42,340
grand opera, Eskimo Nell, in which a 17
-stone contralto sings, You're tiny and

452
00:42:42,340 --> 00:42:43,340
it's frozen.

453
00:42:49,880 --> 00:42:53,360
And we'll have with us a very, very
unlucky man.

454
00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:57,320
He crossed an enormous pear tree with a
couple of blue tits.

455
00:43:01,100 --> 00:43:02,660
enormous pair of blue trees.

456
00:43:07,580 --> 00:43:10,780
But here's the late news.

457
00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:15,880
Streakers in the greater London area are
now being faced with Scotland Yard's

458
00:43:15,880 --> 00:43:18,740
latest countermeasure, police dogs with
wet noses.

459
00:43:21,100 --> 00:43:24,560
And at this evening's meeting of the
Clock and Watchmakers Federation, the

460
00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:27,820
chairman was given a big hand, the vice
-chairman a little hand, and the meeting

461
00:43:27,820 --> 00:43:28,820
was round up.

462
00:43:30,730 --> 00:43:34,790
News from the courts. British Rail won
their case against a party of rabbis

463
00:43:34,790 --> 00:43:38,570
today. They claimed that though they
were the children of Israel, this did

464
00:43:38,570 --> 00:43:40,150
entitle them to travel half -fair.

465
00:43:44,410 --> 00:43:48,450
And in the divorce court, a man told the
judge that his wife, an enthusiastic

466
00:43:48,450 --> 00:43:52,770
traffic warden, had painted double
yellow lines around her waist and had

467
00:43:52,770 --> 00:43:54,330
him 15 times already this month.

468
00:43:55,850 --> 00:43:59,030
He didn't mind paying the fines, but he
did object when she kept towing him

469
00:43:59,030 --> 00:44:00,030
away.

470
00:44:03,760 --> 00:44:06,540
Well, that's all we have time for this
week, so it's goodnight from me. And

471
00:44:06,540 --> 00:44:07,540
goodnight from him. Goodnight.