Original subtitles

You run off and took our only chicken.

When I broke jail, the house was burnt and spared.

The Japs moved the plant back to the old sackings.

Some days I just don't sing that prayer.

I don't even care. I'm telling you, I just don't give a damn. Hey, man, let me

drive that thing. Come on. Touch the tram.

He ain't on the news. Got the man with the rag on his head.

He's hiding in the desert. Good Lord, won't he dare.

Oh, my God.

Enhance 17 through 23.

Head clap.

Twirl. Toe tap.

Double boot clap.

He's executing every move exactly like everyone else, like no one I've ever

seen. He's on fire!

He'll be returning with the picture for the U .S. of A.

Well, that was a lot right there.

Hey,

Hulk, you see that fine -ass little gal holding hands with that dandy man over

there? I want you to send her five Long Island iced teas, and you say they's

from me.

You got any money?

Since five minutes ago?

I tell you what, Cochise.

You go ahead and send her five tap waters and, uh, use those days for me.

limiting water to one glass per customer on account of the drought. Five

glasses.

Do as the man says.

But we got water restrictions. Did I tell you?

Did I tell you?

Hang on.

Crack this bad boy open and, uh, swirl it around with a swizzle.

You know, party favors.

And don't you judge me.

I've been following your moves, Ernie.

You follow a predetermined set of routines in slow motion with listless

and joyless precision. You don't play by their rules because your heart is a

stallion.

Yeah, my behind's closed for business if that's what this is about.

Danny.

I need your money if that's what this is about.

Patience, Ernie. An opportunity will present itself in due time. Oh, sorry.

gentlemen the wet t -shirt contest has been canceled due to statewide water

restrictions god damn it we had us a ring i've gained all week for this folks

can only do so much with a humidifier sorry about to see why i'm a three -time

champion hey vegan quit honking all that mess back off bitch oh

still undefeated

Come on now, let's go.

Whee!

Whee!

I'm a fun.

All right, little boy, let's go.

Can't you just see the joy on the children's face?

No, not, don't look at that child's face. Yeah, as much as it pains me to do

this. I'm going to have to ask you to shut her down.

Is this about the E. coli thing?

Look, filling the wave pool with animal urine is a worthwhile experiment.

Let's not throw the baby out with the imported Chinese wolf piss. That urine

screened visually for bacteria before we allow any child to splash about in it.

And what is that stuff over there?

They're entirely legitimate scientific fluids.

May I? I remind you, Sheriff, Moist and Wacky is the largest employer of

uneducated trailer filth in this entire God -forgotten region. Well, until we

get some more rain, I suggest that I probably just look the other way on this

whole deal. That's why you're the man, Sheriff.

Punch it in, bro.

But don't, don't actually touch me.

Now, this says we can install a flow restrictor on our shower heads and save

between 500 and 800 gallons a month. Or just dab you some Rebel Bandit behind

your ears. You smell twice as fine for half the price.

Jug line ain't moving, Daddy.

All right. Get out and push us over that way.

That's our cove's a hot spot for the largemouth flapjack.

Remember, Granny, if it's yellow, let it mellow. But if it's brown, flush it

down. It was green, and there's a whole city of tiny orange bugs in it.

Oh. It don't say nothing about that, Granny. Well, they chased me.

Didn't you hear me screaming?

Get back, Walter.

I told you to get some penicillin down at the soda shop.

Them orange butt mites get in the damn well water. Let's go.

It says we should use condensation from our central air conditioning unit to

source them luxury items. Wait a minute. I know I just didn't hear you call

Charlie Daniels a luxury. Now, what in the hell is that central air

you're talking about? It's a bunch of bull mess made up by them liberals to

us buy more magnets.

Conspiracy, I tell you.

Now, you go on in the house and hose off the big screen.

The race is about to come on.

Wake up. Get up. You go on in the town.

Come on, son.

The glitter only, I said.

I'll get the water. The damn water is mine.

You don't like it? Complain to God.

But guess what?

He got a deaf ear turned to you, boy. You know why? Because there ain't no

God. With your permission, Early, I'd like to begin.

Bring it on, ding -dong.

Lord,

we thank you for this scorching and seemingly endless...

I can't bend this. I can't even wash the bugs off a windshield. And I have to

say a rosary out of guilt every time I take a shower. Is it because Jane Fonda

lives down here? She has five vacation homes, Lord.

They're not all in Atlanta.

Oh, you'll make a statue, Weeper River appears in Brazil.

And we get nothing?

Hell, they were drinking monkey blood before we got down there.

It's go time, Lord. You put up or you shut up.

That's right, I said it. Well, hell yeah.

If you step up, you handle your business.

Thank you. A little tough love there.

Okay, we have a guest today.

Mr. Dan Halen is here to speak to us from his heart about commitment to

Jesus. Your God is clearly punishing you for not listening to me. Listen to me.

Get word at the precipitation celebration this Saturday at the Lester

Boiled Peanut Dome.

Scripture tells us that David Allen Coe will perform for nine American dollars.

David Allen Coe? Hell yeah!

Hell yeah! And all your water problems will be solved.

Amen. Well, I don't remember anything in the good book about David Allen Coe.

Bring a poncho, you brainly sheep.

Over there, in the loge, next to the Capital One luxury box.

What does he look like? He's a squid coat. Look for something with lots of

What do I look like, an ichthyologist? I'm just saying, man, I see a few of

up there. He's the one with his mouth open in an expression of constant

confusion and ignorance.

Maybe you could give me a little better clue. Look for the one in the hat. It

probably says something like, guns don't kill people, I do. Oh, yeah, okay.

Focus your ballot at the squid coat.

Lights of nature!

All right, Google County, are you ready to party with a long -haired redneck?

I will make your anus. What, am I talking too loud for you, whore? What

are you looking at?

We're going to blow the roof off this damn ball, peanut dong.

This is a dog?

We're trackable. We're going to kick things off with a song from my new

No, no, not the new album. I mean, let's kick it off with a song I was just

handed on this page. It's called the...

Oklahoma.

Damn, damn.

Whatever.

I come home Friday night with a paycheck in my hand.

I've been sweating overtime hours for the man.

I comb and braid my hair back, spray on a little tan, and then we're going to

party down the Ovaloo Dam.

I'm sick and tired of this water usage ban.

I'm going to stop it now. I got a damn good plan. I packed a half a ton of

fertilizer in a rental van.

I'm going to blow the hell out of the Oklahoma.

Hey, Dad, are you listening to these lyrics? I am not. Drive the van, son.

Bring the detonators.

Now, some of this

water would have gone to Alabama, but me, I'm making sure it all ends up on

Georgia land. And if I get caught... They're going to put my ass in the gym.

But if I survive this overwhelming blast, I'll hear us stand on the edge of

span of the oak to lead you down.

You step on back, son.

These detonators ain't child's play.

Daddy, you don't have to do this now.

Do what? Go, go, go. Get the hell out of here.

Water. We made it. We're going to live. We got water.

Wait. No. I can't breathe.

Look at these hordes and

Philistines. That's right.

Lap it up. Are you sure that dam was built by Al -Qaeda? I'm not. Because

don't usually come here. Look, you're a great American, David Allen.

Now play for my amusement, country bard.

Snap to it, bumpkin. I have you till sick.

Rig

that

son of a bitch.