Original subtitles

I gave all my best years to that woman.

All she gave me was mouths to feed.

A miracle straight from the loins of Jesus.

Since Charlie blew off both my terrapins.

1969, Cameron Bay.

I might not be proud of that, but come on. Touch the tram.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, Lord.

Tiggers! Yeah, family style.

Give me one, too.

Rusty, fetch the preserve jar.

Look, Daddy, up in the sky.

Judgment Day is coming.

Oh, yes it is. Bomb them all, the kingdom come.

Woo! Bag them and tag them, stack them and rack them. Heed the words that I

Let God sort them out.

America is number one. All right, all right. Please, please, shut up.

I am not the Air Force.

Oh, I get it. Our horse, Black Ops, come found the primitive age of mine.

Daddy, look.

Sunspots coming out of the spigot. Either this is spring break at P .C.

we're in some damn Jamie Kennedy experiment. That is blood.

A sea of blood.

Don't get no better than this.

Okay, they're drinking the blood.

What the hell? What the hell with it? You know, you just, you're disgusting me

here.

I am one of the poor horsemen of the apocalypse.

Witcher. What is that? My grasshopper? These are locusts

with human faces and the tails of scorpions.

He's overcompensating.

Hey, one word.

Apocalyptic horseman. Boom. Warm.

Famine, death, and grasshoppers. Well, now, one don't quite belong, does it?

Prepare for the end of days.

Consider yourself one.

Let's get that...

Never gonna look up my boy's butt.

What's the real issue? That's when all the good people fly out of their clothes

straight up into heaven.

Like Superman?

Yes. But completely new.

Gonna be one hot tangle of bodies up there. I know you don't need to eat or

drink. Cause I'm gonna be banging all day.

Ready?

to agnostic areas and put your faith in him.

Praise Jesus.

Praise him!

Are you gonna meet the Lord with that tiny dick?

It'll look a whole lot bigger when we get to heaven.

I have to say what's all worth it! Screw every last one of you!

Am I looking at the right thing?

Judgment day.

I guess there was a reason for the seats.

Okay, this is Big Crimson Daddy. Stop production on all sex toys immediately.

Where? Everything?

Uh, I could maybe fold the anal beads team into yo -yos, but no vibrators.

Can't we just call them back massagers?

No.

Yes. Yes, we can make that work. I'll call Sharper Image.

What about this, Santa?

The Kalashnikovs with the drum -type rear sight and the fixed stock. Oh, God,

that's a nice weapon. Uh, let me hold off on that.

Roger, look.

It's happening. What? Get back down here. It's happening. Wait.

You told us we have no soul.

You're still my flame.

Merry Christmas, Afghanistan.

Goodbye, you dumbasses that told me to study algebra.

Goodbye, Patrick Swayze poster.

Goodbye, truck boat truck. Don't you worry, Russell. The truck boat truck

meet us at the pearly gates.

It's got the GPS.

You can't even bog in heaven.

Do what?

Ain't no mud.

Uh -uh.

There's people flying around. You might want to step aside as I fly forth into

the heavens, hmm?

Jesus will want me quickly.

Might take your arm clean off, boy.

Oh, excuse me. You do what you got to do.

Any minute now.

I'm praying for you, Reverend.

Yeah. A little further back, boy. Oh, sorry, sorry.

Oh,

how do you do that? Just like you said, Reverend.

Yep. It's our time, boy.

We're coming home.

Well,

this is awkward.

If you wouldn't mind, would you lock up the store?

Oh,

come on!

$4 ,398.

$4 ,399.

$4 ,400. And that's it. Peter, we're all full. Wait a minute. What about me? I'm

sorry. $4 ,400 is the cut.

Why don't you hang outside here?

You know, with the babies who can't get in because they weren't baptized.

But wait. Why don't you just wait until Monday? Things might open up a little

bit. People might reject heavenly paradise.

You never know. But you brought me up here. I mean, you know, not like I

a ride. I'm sorry. It is our policy to overbook.

My high school body.

Thank you, Jesus.

Mondays, right?

Lift with your wings.

How's it look, boy?

Are we clear?

Yeah, we clear.

I think that son of a bitch is gone.

All right, then, let's roll.

Wait, wait, wait.

Two, four, eight.

Oh, you left the damn subwoofer behind.

What's the point of stealing fine -ass speakers if you ain't got that fine -ass

rich face?

Why did he reject me?

He even took the Mexicans, for goodness sake. They can't even pray anymore.

Hey, look at this shirt. Four dollars in Old Navy, but it's free on the street.

Woo! Russell, mute your woos, boy.

There's a seven -headed beast afoot.

Woo -hoo.

There you go.

Why have you forsaken me, Lord?

Reverend, the beast. Don't you shush me. I'll say whatever I want. Oh,

come on.

I thought I was going to be young again.

I don't know where people are getting this.

Believe me. Look, I would love to be back in my prime.

It's not happening. So where's my virgins?

That's actually a Muslim thing.

Well, how about you just take me, Lord?

Take me? What's that big, booming horse here?

What? No.

Smells like olives.

Excuse me? Come on. No. Make me look like Dolly Parton. Make me look however

want. I don't care. Dogs, anything, and old tires. No, no, no. What turns you

on? No.

This is heaven.

I ain't supposed to get rejected.

But, Granny, if I have sex with you, it's not heaven for me.

Who turned on the rapture?

You told me to. That was a parable, son. We've been over this. How is yes,

Thursday, whatever, a parable? I don't know. It was probably one of Satan's

tricks. The guy is always messing with us.

After all, we're decimated by injuries.

You say that whenever you don't listen to me. You never listen!

Anything you like.

What's the safe word?

Man,

them Jews was funny.

Hey, man, what's this speaker for?

That there's a back left tweeter. You know, supporting character dialogue.

How come I don't hear nothing? Well, Q's a main character, Amy, and that comes

out of the front main. You ain't the main character.

James Bond is the one. Well, obviously James Bond is a main character, dammit.

Guys, guys, guys.

You're killing the vibe in here. That speaker's only for dialogue coming from

behind, and you guys have it routed through the subwoofer somehow, which is,

course, rolling off all the highs, which I'm not even going to get into that

with you right now.

Just give me 15 minutes. I'll work on it later on. Who even cares?

Life is merely a fantasy drape.

in confusion.

The curtain is yanked back from the charade.

Could you grab my skull bong from the reverend, please?

Yeah.

Rapture got called off early.

You think we might be able to borrow some clothes here?

Here you go.

Outdated laptop.

Cover them fangs with that. Wait, early.

What are you watching in there? Is that Shrek? Two.