Original subtitles

Somehow I got spinal meningitis Injecting all

that hashbray in my spine It's a super cheap way

to party If you ain't killed some brain cells every time

Good luck getting that child support check from me now. My turn.

Hell no. Hey, man, let me try that thing. Come on. Touch the trim.

Ow! Damn!

Mm -hmm.

He's ripe, all right.

The time be nigh.

That's what?

To take you down to the jiggle hut. Have old Trixie flip you over and give you

your first Tuscaloosa dumpling.

Oh, all right.

That's good. I like dumplings. It ain't food, boy.

Huh? It's a revolting and arousing act of sexual perversion slash rite of

passage.

We think.

You think? Nobody knows for sure.

Except Lil.

She invented it. Yeah, it's a twist on the classic Cherokee chin strap.

You top it off with a Montgomery monkey tail and then you finish it with a gravy

chaser. Now, wait a minute. I always thought it was when a man gives a woman

little Memphis mouthwash. No. And simultaneously she administers the

blister. No.

on the bridge of his nose. Biloxi blister.

Birmingham biloxi, same thing.

Well, I'm from the old school.

Well, it is not the same thing. Hell, you don't know. It's the same damn

If you don't see a little cartilage, you ain't in biloxi. Wait, look. And I'm

sorry, but Birmingham ain't no fun for nobody.

Daddy, I don't think I want one of them Tuscaloosa... Come on now, boy. You show

me you're a man, and we'll get you that tattoo finished.

That's all right. I didn't really want this tattoo. I told you, boy, it ain't

Brooks and Dunn without Ronnie Dunn.

All right, then.

Let's go get me that dumpling. Whoa, big man.

He's just gonna go get that dumpling now.

He's got a birthright to it. Look at me, Granny.

I'm gonna have me a job and respect from my peers. Just cause I say so. Oh,

Russell, you're so stupid and sweet. You got the iron nest, boy. You understand

me?

I don't think I understand a word you say. I don't prefer that you do. All my

musings and my rambling. Now is the time for the trials.

To the woods.

the inquisitations.

Wait a minute now.

I thought you was going to ask me some inquisitations.

No, I just said inquisitations because I couldn't think of that word what means

wrestle a bear.

Wrestle? Yeah, that's it. Now you put yourself a diamond hat on and wrestle

hell out of that bear.

Hey now, how am I supposed to kill this bear with no damn weapon? Hmm.

I wonder, what would a man do?

Right there, man. You defeated a bear?

Nope. Bought this here in Gatlinburg. Right after I seen the three -headed

I tore at Ripley's with the crooked room with the marble what rolls upwards.

Marbles that roll upwards?

But how?

Manhood is confusing, son.

I want to go to Gatlinburg!

Then you must wrestle the bear!

Poke it in, boys.

And I ain't doing nothing after this.

It's pretty much dead.

But that is no time to get overconfident. Here, take some water.

Airwinds by digestion.

Yeah, boy, I told you we could kick that old squid. Oh, wait a minute.

What's wrong, kid?

I reckon this is my Dippy Dan hairdryer from China.

Eighty percent lead. That's how I get that sculpted look. Oh, well, seeing

Ain't now the time I get me my Tuscaloosa dumpling.

This proves nothing. The mere boast of a child.

More inquisitations!

In this hand, I clutch the feather of the coke.

Granny, shut the hell up. Oh, I just learned that.

In this hand, I clutch... It's the feather of a caulk.

And this one, a shiny ingot of gold.

I ask thee, which will fall faster?

The ingot.

Well, let's just see about that.

Looks like I was right.

About what?

About the ingot fell first.

My gold ingot? My nugget? From Gatlinburg? Oh, no.

Where the hell is it? Down there where you damn threw it. Oh, no.

What could have possessed me?

Go on, get it, boy.

Is this part of the inquisitation? It's part of my look.

with my pink muscle tee. I got it myrtle. Eye -brushed image of me

dune on a four -wheel ATV.

My head all the way bigger than my body, which I always thought was funny.

How fast will it fall?

We're about to find out. Time it. No, wait. Damn it. My accessories.

I guess I ain't going out tonight. Wait, Daddy. Your head where? It don't

matter, Miles.

I was a giant fella.

Everything is temporary.

No, no. Wait, Daddy. Hey, we gotta go get me one of them Tuscaloosa Dublins.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Sounds good.

Now, you go on, boy.

Bust a nut.

What? Here?

Right now?

More of a snack, really.

Well, I think they should take this towel out. The towel stays.

All right, son. This here is an ancient Cherokee sweat lodge where we is about

to commune with the spirits about your manhood.

Oh, great spirits, rain your wisdom from the sky. That is the unisex bathroom at

the sipping strut.

Oh, so it is.

I am drunker than hell.

Drive me home, son.

Here we go.

How you doing there, Sheriff?

Get behind the wheel.

You don't know me, you ain't seen me. I'm down here passed out. Oh, hey,

Sheriff. How you doing? It's a nice day tonight, isn't it?

License and registration, please.

Changing lanes illegal now?

Okay. Tell them make the hand signal. Come on. I got another one for you, too,

you smart -off -it mate. Oh, come on, guys.

Humor me a little, will you?

They put a camera on the car because I ain't hitting my quotas. Why, Sheriff?

I don't know what to give you. I'm underage and he's suspended. How about I

suspend my tax dollars from paying your piss -poor salary?

How do you like that? Look, guys, just hand me something. Here's my idea.

My idea of a good time.

Okay, according to this diet beer can you've handed me, there's only 70

per serving.

Wait right here for a minute.

Damn, he's crazy.

Oh, great.

This is going to drive our insurance premiums right through the damn roof.

I ain't got no insurance.

Oh, good.

Okay, gentlemen.

Everything seems to check out.

All right, y 'all remember to fasten your seatbelts, and early, I want to

you to stay at least 150 feet away from that woman.

What woman?

Oh, come on.

You know exactly what woman.

You're looking fine.

All right, now you do it.

Do it again.

Maybe she's running her hot, sexy bath and don't hear the bells.

She'll come.

She wants it.

Sometimes you just got to keep doing it till somebody loses patience.

You looking fine in there.

You naked under the... Oh.

Get down, bitch.

You know I'm the one for you. Your man ain't nothing but a sleep warmer. I'm

star of your life. Squid from work.

You know him? No. Do you love him?

Answer me. Do you love him? He's stalking me. Remember the guy that

mailbox with dead squirrels? Oh, is that him?

He's always asking about you, looking at the picture on my desk, asking me what

color panties you wear and what you smell like.

And to describe that, I should have known.

I thought he was fired. No, in order to get fired, you've got to be written up

three times, and then that's a reprimand, and then two reprimands.

meet with HR and attend a sensitivity seminar, which is voluntary.

That

ain't

no doorbell, Dan.

Make the sound with your mouth.

But Daddy, that can't happen. Make the sound with your mouth.

Ding dong.

Ding dong.

Go on, do it again.

Ding dong.

Now, shove this dead squirrel in the mail slot.

It'll fit.

The stalking is complete.

You've been stalked by a man on this day.

Call me?

Has it started? Am I a pleaser? I don't want to be no selfish lover now. You sit

here. I got to negotiate.

What'd I do next, Daddy? Go on to the kitchen, ask for one Pablo, and you

wash up all them buffet dishes.

Then I'm a man.

And then you a big, big man.

Come on now, Thunderburn.