Original subtitles

I gave all my best years to that woman.

All she gave me was masterpiece.

A miracle straight from the launch of Jesus.

Since Charlie blew off both my terrapins.

1969, Cameron Bay. Come on.

The tram.

The deepest backwards butt crack of Georgia.

Pristine and untouched by sexual perversion.

But today, a horny wolf sniffs at the hen house.

Hey, anybody home?

Sexy Bay 13, you here?

Oh, you wet yourself.

Well, next time you wet yourself, it's going to be with bubblegum wine coolers.

How do you like that?

This man flew across four continents to be here.

Now watch how he makes himself at home.

Did you make these animal crackers?

They're good.

I'm a big girl now.

I'm going to go ahead and take my pants off. I'll show you that wrestling move I

was telling you about. I wouldn't mind seeing that wrestling move.

Where are you going? I just want to ask you a few questions. I don't do this.

There's no reason to be afraid. I don't do this, and I... Mind telling me where

your pants are?

Well, where are your pants?

Damn it, tot!

Now, in your online chat with SexyBait13, she told you... I wet

myself. To which you replied... cool your parents away, she answered, I'm a

girl now.

She said she was 60.

You responded by emailing her an animated gif of your engorged to

not here right now.

Where are you going?

You can't evade justice.

Oh, no, no.

I see it.

You have the right to remain silent on TV, HD, DVD, minidisc, Blu -ray, CB

radio, and satellite audio throughout the universe in perpetuity. But I was

here to mentor.

I just wanted to counsel her on the dangers of being with me and having sex

me.

Well, that sounds like the truth.

Yeah, fine.

Let him go.

You're free to go now. Thank you. We'll need him for the sequel anyway.

Stay in school!

Stay out of drugs!

Tell your pervert friends where all the hottest, eager tweens live.

You think they'll figure out it's just a full -string doll?

Please. No deviant mind could ever resist the sexy, wild Sexy Mate

13.

I'm a big girl.

No, my plastic -molded temptress.

I gotta come in and check this wild sheep down.

Four. Next on Check This Wild Sheep Down Four.

Watch as the postman tries to deliver a package of mail.

Bell, M -A -L -E.

Uh, actually, no package.

Just a couple bills, really.

God! Jump the shark!

Secretary 13?

Chad, you in there?

I'm here, honey.

I baked some muffins like a good boy should.

Are you alone?

It's just me.

Because I'd hate to blow it like last time.

Hey, let's put cough drops in our buttholes and play video games.

Uh, you're still a boy now, right?

Snakes and snails and puppy dog tails.

And moles.

I got a lot of moles.

You know what?

I'm gonna go. Wait. It feels dirty. Wait, hold on. I'm gonna call my wife.

Thank you. Hey, text me, dog.

Hollaback. Don't forget to hollaback.

Oh, this bait reeks of mentholiptic.

It's the long joints for my gout. We need someone with wiles. I got a

wily case of gout. It's not the same. We need someone with boyish charm and

cunning. I'll do that.

Drag her from my sight.

I don't think... Shut up and eat your slits, huh? Hey there, Glenn, where's

boy at?

Yeah, we're gonna keep Kyle at an undisclosed location till all this is

Oh, well, that's too... That hurt.

And that's your job, Daddy?

Glenn and me, we will meet periodically throughout the day.

Unless I'm buried.

You know, drawing Dale Jr.'s number all over them post -it notes.

Well, Piper works part of the job.

Whitehead, twinkling like stars against a darkened sky of clogged pores.

Butt -cut hairdo, feathered as the spread wings of Gabriel himself.

Pewter arrowhead.

Kick -ass, it says.

Kick -ass, it does.

What in the hell are you staring at?

Tell me, Rusty. Are you familiar with the lifestyles of the ancient Greeks?

Ain't nobody gonna use my son's temptations for a while for no damn

show. You know that television means TV, don't you?

Oh, the TV lucky box.

With the wrestling in there?

Well, now, it do make sense when you think on it. Hell, yeah. But, Eddie, I

don't think it's... I'm the thinker. And I think we got us a deal.

Bonifacient!

Rusty, radiant in your perfection, reveal yourself to me.

These shorts are pretty tight.

Kind of riding high, aren't they?

Sometimes, son, to be a man, you got to be a boy.

Here's your chance, Rusty.

Shine, you stunning boy animal.

Hey, sexy babe 13, you in there? Come, just have fun with it. Monster hat.

Well, come on in now. I'm just oiling up my tricycle chain here and, you know,

doing some little boy stuff.

Well played, Rusty.

Well played.

I did it sexier.

Now have you some nachos? I'm going in there to get my choo -choo set. Nachos?

There are no nachos here, but brilliant.

Where are those nachos now?

He's drawing him in.

Got a new caboose I want you to see. Where are the nachos? And the betrayal.

Damn it, I knew this house looked familiar.

Will I ever find love?

Everyone has a talent, a gift, something that makes them special.

And for Rusty, that special something was the ability to attract deviant

pedophiles.

And so he picked the town's economy up and carried it on his slender boyish

hips.

hard lemonade.

Hell, I ain't drinking no hooch from a sissy city box.

This ain't even worth stealing.

Uh, sure. I don't sell them adult goods no more.

New clientele just don't want them.

Well, hell.

Yeah. All right, I guess I'll have me a teddy bar and one of them mega cookies

and how about some of them candy handcuffs over there? Okie dokie. Let's

here. Let's see what he wants. You want the Goofy Grape or the Only You

Delicious?

I think I went with the money.

Yes, you did.

Yes, I did.

You can't escape justice.

Number 43.

Hey, that's me.

Please have your shirt unbuttoned before reaching the house. We have lots of

unsuspecting perverts to humiliate here today.

I'll tell you, Early, that boy is a real economic godsend. You see that new

police car of mine?

Google him.

Those Rebs, they're a real virgin ivory, too. They're from Africa, wherever that

is. I should care, but I'm just so detached.

Number 44, number 44.

But the economic boom came at a heavy, heavy cost.

a damn circus peanut?

That ain't no circus peanut. That ain't no orange coloring. I'm so sorry.

Somebody orange up these circus peanuts.

Rusty, Rusty, Rusty. Pick me, Rusty. Pick me. Hey, I'm your mama.

Wait your turn.

Hey, hey.

Look, Rusty. A singing plug.

Here we go. Now, hey, everybody.

I'm here to say.

That Rusty is a special guy in every way.

How perfect, Rusty. You adore her now.

Whatever, man.

I deserve that, Rusty.

What are you thinking? Happy birthday or whatever.

Rusty, Rusty, Rusty, Rusty, pick me.

All right, look here. Now, y 'all is just going to have to chill for a few

hours, you know, because I need me a radical sabbatical, baby.

Now, I'll come back and y 'all can adore me then, but right now, I can't.

Yeah, I'm suffering.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. I'm suffering from extreme exasperation and dehydrogenation. Roxy,

God. Your face.

Heal your upper lip. No, no, no. I'm changing, see? And I want my fans to

with me as I grow and evolve.

Y 'all go come with me now. All right, now. Who's with me? Come on now.

Come on, quickly.

Eat this paint chip, drink this coffee, smoke these cigarettes, stunt your

grooves. Hey, wait, wait, y 'all. Hey, now, don't run off.

Hey, you know you won't like it if you haven't even tried it yet.

I'm out of here. Hey, where in the hell you think you're going?

Wherever my damn fine ass feels like.

I hate to see him leave, but I love to watch him go.

Oh, hey, don't pay him no mind. There's more young 'uns where he come from.

Hey, look at this one here.

Little teapot short and... Oh, it broke my... Theater trained.

Call in the airstrike.

I want scorched earth. Nothing lives.

I have what?