Original subtitles

I gave all my best years to that woman.

All she gave me was mouthfeel.

A miracle straight from the launch of Jesus.

Since Charlie blew off both my tiptees.

1969, Cameron Bay. I'm done.

I'm done.

Come on.

Touch the tram.

Hey, y 'all hear that?

No.

Wasn't it a ghost?

No, it wasn't a ghost.

Was it you?

No, no, no. Shh, shh. I can't tell who's talking right now.

Was it me? No, no, no, Granny. It wasn't you.

Well, I just did say something. Shut up, Granny. You shut up. I think it's a

plump little cockroach. Just a run in his fat little tender meaty belly across

the concrete.

He's gonna hear us.

I can't say nothing.

No, you gotta lay down. Open up your mouth, and then you hope and you pray

he'll crawl his sweet little ass up in there.

Gentlemen, hot sauce smothers the head and legs.

She got a nice little snack there. Ain't got no hot sauce. Don't you ruin my

fantasia.

What now?

I said, it's been hard for all of us, son.

Living down here without hot sauce.

What that sound is?

You find something up?

Down straight. That's me, isn't it?

Hello?

Anybody in there? Not on my watch.

Who the hell are you, machine?

It's just me, the sheriff.

He's right.

It's just him.

Sheriff. Please, please.

Secure. Maybe too secure.

Early? Stop it. Oh, it's just spraying emotions.

Replicant. No, no. Fine, bark, hook my ass now, you filthy -ass robot. Hey,

Daddy, I think it really is a sheriff.

It's me, the sheriff.

No, tell us what year it is, robot, and don't you lie to me.

Two, two, two thousand, thousand, three.

Hell, we survived the Y2K.

Where Uncle Shannon at?

Shannon, you've gone and deep -fried yourself.

Why, Shannon? Why?

Right, y 'all?

Why?

Give, learn, and bring.

And that there is why I don't abide with no damn computers. No, sir.

I don't remember that happening, Early. Because it ain't yet, dumbass. It's

about to. Read your damn scriptures.

So I'm assuming y 'all don't want my old PDA, huh?

No, but I'll take that fine -ass belt holster.

Well, I got a mask to make it do. Well, just press this button here.

Whoa! Sorry about that, Rusty.

That's my private collection of erotica. Is that what that is?

Forgot that was on there. Call it to the landfill.

It ain't welcome amongst us. Early today's world runs on computers.

If Rusty has a mind for this, he might even be counting in a few years.

Numbers? Numbers?

Numbers was created by the prehistoric Hispanics so they could save all the

from the Romans.

Dinosaurs, too.

Hell, yeah.

Uh, dinosaurs what?

Computers, yeah.

Romans.

Look, all's I'm saying is it might help the boy get a job one day. He don't need

no job.

He got him a trade.

Hey, Clare.

That's all.

Go ahead and breathe it in.

Well, the coal dust brazier ain't good enough for his granny.

You can see he's already taken to it. Look at him over there. Look, Daddy. I

all my contacts in here.

You think you can compute so good? Then how about you computing some damn food

on our table?

See these dots here? And those are fish.

And that big one right there, that big dot, that's us.

I don't like fish.

It's too shiny.

I like me some whitetails. Well, this is just sonar. I mean, you can't do all

this. I eat whitetails!

All right. So this is us.

And all these dogs surrounded the whitetail deer.

So all we had to do was blow up the dam? Uh -huh.

Hey, who blow up the dam?

We did, Granny.

With computers.

Oh.

You're so smart. I ain't even a wet whitetail. You gonna make this thing fix

four -wheeler. Make it fix my four -wheeler.

So I done hooked the computer up this chapter here.

But then I noticed you just ain't got no tire.

I know I got cars.

So bash it again.

Nope, no tire. You've got to hook it to the tire, boy.

That's your issue.

Okay, well, I... Still no tire. Bash. New.

Refresh. New tire. There are limits to what it can do, Daddy. It's only got 4K

of memory. So it ain't gonna give me back my tire? Is that what you're

Well, Daddy, not everything can be fixed by computers.

Yes, you're wrong, but as good as... But, Daddy, this is my passion. Passion

for smashing.

No, Daddy, no!

Don't you defy me!

Let's just see if he can out -compute a bullet. Oh, you're going to have to

shoot me first.

You did shoot me first.

That I did.

But I must never be crossed.

Now, may Satan sodomize you in deepest hell!

What the... Oh, my God!

My program worked!

Rusty's program had not worked. It was merely a list of Judas Priest songs that

he felt...

Kicked ass. What had happened, in fact, was that the PDA had become self -aware.

By 9 .15, it had built a series of companions.

And by noon, a robotic army was sweeping countryside.

Damn it! What did I tell y 'all? Repeat what I told you! I know, I know.

Hey, have you seen my foot?

Don't think so.

I have got the sharpest pain in my ankle.

It's been bugging me all afternoon.

Come on up here. It ain't so bad.

In fact, not bad at all. In a short period of time, the computers

improved the quality of life in Dougal County.

And before long, every man, woman, and child enjoyed the benefits of being

roped.

Damn it. Let me just do one more on that.

All right.

And before long, every man, woman, and child enjoyed the benefits of being

lorded over by an evil robotic army.

I tell you, Early, these computers have really made things easier.

Why, just this morning, they updated my whole criminal database.

Public security.

No, no, no, no, no. That is in the forbidden zone. Hell, I don't even know

that is. I'm coming to speak.

I'm in front of it.

Well, I am, too, after 11 beers, but not on the side of the church.

Busted.

So, heat and pressure.

And not indiscriminate smashing.

Okay, I'll try it.

Diamond?

Yeah, it's a diamond.

Yes!

At last!

Street cred is mine!

Quickly, summon forth some bitches from the country for a pansexual adventure!

How's that spreadsheet coming? I told you, you're not my supervisor, so... Oh,

no, too much.

You get the hang of it. Grab the job.

Anybody for coffee?

What's that for?

You're glad they didn't convert us.

I'm happy just the way I am.

They might just beat me, but what difference does it make what they do

closed doors? Oh, what's next?

You gonna provide a stable and loving yet unorthodox home to some adopted

'uns? Rusty, we played basketball with that robot. Same damn blockeroo. You got

the half -cocked on the basketball team.

The fire raged on for three years.

filling the air with toxic lead.

But finally, Dougal County was free of the computers and their gay marriages.

Life was made simple once again.

Come on, boy.

Don't forget the standard deduction, Daddy. Standard deduction?

What the?

You just do the pulling. I'll do the damn taxes in this family.

We're clear.