Original subtitles

Oh, my God.

Divorce papers.

That's fantastic.

Haley, honey, run upstairs and help your daddy pack.

These divorce papers are for you, Faith.

That's ridiculous.

I'm not married. Well, then they must have the wrong Faith Fairfield.

Unless you know a guy named Robert Thompson.

Doesn't ring a bell.

Although, 15 years ago, I was briefly married to a guy named Bob Thompson.

Fake Bob.

It's short for Robert.

Uh, no.

Rob is short for Robert. Bob is short for Bobby. Or Bobbert.

Well, apparently, Bobbert Thompson is divorcing you.

Wait a minute.

If we're still married... Oh, my God!

Do you think we have kids?

Hey! I can't believe you never told me you were married.

When did this happen?

Well, I was 18, and he was a 28 -year -old God with the body of a young

I first laid eyes on him at the Glen Falls record exchange.

We both reached for the same Falco album.

Next thing I knew, he was rocking my Amadeus.

All right, kids.

Upstairs.

Faith, what were you thinking? Getting married at 18.

You should talk.

When you were 18, you ran away and joined that Greek cult. I went to

joined a sorority.

Oh? What about that spooky ceremony with the black robes and the square hat?

It wasn't my fault.

One look into Bob's baby brown, and it was goodbye to the level -headed, clear

-thinking faith you all know and love.

So that's how you became a blithering idiot. Exactly.

For two months, we were on top of the world.

And then I caught him in bed with another woman.

Then how come you never got divorced?

I thought we did.

Turns out that cheating louse never even filed the papers.

Come on, Hope. We're gonna go give him a piece of my mind.

Not too big a piece, or you won't be able to find your way home.

What am I saying?

Give him all you got. Every last scrap is stupid.

You know, we don't have to talk about it. We got it different ways.

But you know...

Help me be strong.

Just being in his lair again is making me woozy.

Mmm, musky.

Hope if he shows up, whatever you do, don't let us lock eyes. And don't you

eyes with him either, or it's goodbye Charlie and the kid.

Who's Charlie?

You look like a thousand bucks.

Really?

Because you look pretty yummy yourself. Crap! Oh, a little help here.

Right, we're here to talk about the divorce papers.

Who are you?

I'm Hope.

Oh, my sister -in -law. Give me some sugar.

Are you still in that cult?

No, Bob.

I left after four years.

That's good, because that picture of you with the black robe and the square hat

really freaked us out.

So about that divorce.

Yeah, listen, baby, I'm so sorry about that. I guess the court lost it or

something because I went down to the bank to get a loan to fix up the old

passion wagon.

Turns out we're still married, and, well, your credit sucks.

You keep one rental car, and suddenly you're at credit risk.

I hear you.

What kind of world do we live in?

I miss our political talk.

You know, seeing you right now makes me wonder how I could have ever let you go.

And if you're wearing underpants.

You didn't exactly let me go. I left after I caught you cheating.

And no, no, I'm not.

Well, I didn't cheat on anybody.

You said you're going to Hollywood with or without me.

And I'm not wearing any either, but that's more of a laundry issue.

That was just a threat to get you to come with me. A threat you followed

on. After I caught you in bed with Nancy Favara. Look, Bob.

Bob.

Why don't you just admit that you did something wrong and sorry, then Faith

sign these divorce papers and then you can get back to doing whatever it is you

do here.

Besides housework.

No way.

I am a man of principle.

There are two things in life that Bob Thompson swore he would never do.

Cheat on his wife and commit vehicular manslaughter.

And I've never done either of those.

Despite what that first jury said.

Well, I'm not signing anything without an apology.

I got nothing to apologize for. Fine! Then you're not...

I'm just being dramatic.

In about ten seconds, she'll walk back through that door and... Hey!

Can I... Can I use your phone?

Uh, sis.

You're family. You don't have to ask.

It's about three blocks down behind the gas station.

Just tell them your kid got hit by a car and they'll give you a quarter.

Where have you been?

At the trailer park where you left me. I'd wait an hour for a bus.

Hope, if you had just gone to the gas station and told them your kid was hit

a car, they'd have given you a ride.

Apology.

I'll never forget the day I walked in on him in that tramp from Trailer 4.

It was like a knife to the chest.

He's the only man who's ever broken my heart.

I'm sorry. I had no idea.

Why didn't you tell me? I'm your sister.

Well, next time.

If Faith's not going to sign those divorce papers, then we're going to live

together as man and wife.

May I plug in?

Oh, you want to play hardball, huh?

Well, you have no idea who you're messing with.

Faith Fairfield does not go down without a fight.

Oh, really?

It's not the way I remember it.

Okay, Faith.

You have to do something about this.

About what?

Whoa, Justin.

You can't use the microwave when Uncle Bobby's shaving.

Look, if you want to stay married to him, fine.

But I want his house out of our driveway.

Is this just because he got kicked out of the army for grave robbing? What?

Nothing?

When I grow up, I'm going to live in an army just like you, Uncle Bob. Well,

that's okay as long as you stay in school.

At least until the ninth grade, because after that, it's pretty much stuff you'd

ever use.

Unless you're an astronaut.

Yeah, all packed up.

Ready to go.

What's this about?

Oh, Bob's right.

A woman should live with her husband.

No way. I'm not living in that dump.

She can't live with that guy and that thing. It's filthy and disgusting.

One night in there, she'll be...

I need to sign those divorce papers and move back in with us.

At least I got the Packer bags.

You can't take that away from me.

Faith, um, I'm thinking it might be best if you moved in with your husband.

What? Or you could just sign those divorce papers. Not without my apology.

And you're crazy if you think I'm taking one step out that door.

Fair enough.

I'm not one of those wives who cooks or cleans or has sex with you, okay?

That's fine, because I'm not one of those husbands that earns a living or

a crap.

Guess what I had for lunch?

You pig!

Close. It did involve bacon.

Let me give you another hint.

I got a better idea.

Let's pretend that there's an imaginary line right down the middle of the old RV

here.

Well, that's not too hard to imagine.

That half's yours.

This half is mine.

Well, that's fine because I got the fridge.

No problem.

I got the TV.

That's our song.

I'm surprised you remember.

Of course I remember. I think about you every time I hear it.

Well, so do I.

live here anymore, but I was wondering if I might freshen up since Bob's in the

shower slash toilet, or as he likes to call it, the shoylet.

How could you have slept with him?

Come on, you've seen him. You understand.

Not so much.

Oh, look. It's Bob with flowers that he ripped from my flower bed.

Why don't I just replant these?

Hey.

Hey.

Shoylet's free.

Don't worry, I lit a match.

I'm good.

You know, I've been thinking, I'm wrong, and you're right, and I'm sorry.

You are? Really?

About everything. The lying, the cheating, the grave robbing, which

is a victimless crime, and I didn't see you giving back those earrings, but the

point is, I am very sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Well, that's very big of you, Bob.

So, you ready to sign the papers?

I suppose you did apologize. Okay, here we go, right here. Now, just sign there,

and there, and initial there, and there, and done. Thank you very much. Listen,

I'm going to run down to the courthouse. Wouldn't want these to get lost again.

Can I borrow your car? Because I'm all plugged in here.

Sure, the keys are under the mat.

Beautiful. Be back in a jiff.

Wow, those flowers look nice there.

Bob said he was sorry he cheated on me and that it was all his fault.

Well, great.

That's what you wanted, isn't it?

Yes.

Which makes me think he's up to something sneaky and underhanded.

We have to follow him. Come on. We'll take my house.

Maybe I'll have some tea.

As most of you already know, it was Aunt Ida's wish that her estate be

distributed amongst family and friends.

Amen, brother. Kiss Papa needs a new pair of shoes.

I knew it. He's inheriting money.

Well, he's not going to cheat me out of my hat.

You're not entitled to half.

You're not entitled to anything.

You're just being spiteful and vindictive.

No, judgmental.

You want to know why I never told you I got married?

Because I knew that you would look down on me, just like you always do.

I am not judgmental.

You just have no judgment.

To my loyal gardener, Carl, I leave my prized collection of Fabergé eggs,

at more than $3 million.

$3 million?

And to that guy at the liquor store whose name I could never pronounce, I

$100 ,000.

Why? Why?

You know, maybe you do deserve a little something for all your pain and

suffering.

Hey, hubby. So what do you think we're going to get, sweetheart?

I'm hoping for like a yacht and one of those Fabergé chickens.

There is no us, Faith.

You sign these divorce papers.

Oh? You might want to look at the signature.

Ben Dober. And kiss my ass.

To my cousin Miranda, I leave the villa in Nice.

Nice. Nice.

And to my nephew Bob.

And his wife Faith.

Come on, big money, big money.

I leave my most prized possession.

My snow globe collection.

Yes, yes!

What? Yo, right!

Did you hear that? I got the snow globes! Bobby got the snow globes! What?

You went through all this just so you'd keep her from getting half a stupid

souvenir collection?

Stupid? Those were my aunt's favorite.

That means I was her favorite.

Are you an idiot?

Boy, you are really judgmental. Faith?

So, Faith, you want to celebrate with a little tumble in the RV?

No!

with you again.

You know, I didn't want your money, and I sure as heck don't want your stupid

snow globes. All I wanted was a sincere apology for breaking my heart 15 years

ago, and you couldn't even give me that.

Hey, I saved us both a lot of heartache.

What do you mean?

We both know that you were destined for bigger and better things than living

with me in an RV, and I knew that if I followed you to Hollywood, you'd leave

for somebody really classy and glamorous like Jim Belushi.

So I sabotaged our relationship to protect myself.

That was wrong.

Really sorry I hurt your faith.

Aw.

Thank you, Bob.

And I did date Big Jim for a brief period.

But trust me, he's got nothing on you.

Really?

So if you want, I'll sign those divorce papers now.

Okay.

Thanks.

Oh, Mr. Thompson.

Where would you like the armored car to deliver your snow globes?

What? Why would you need an armored car to deliver a bunch of crummy snow

globes? My dear, those snow globes are solid gold and jewel -encrusted.

The collection is worth more than $4 million.

Plus, when you shake it up, it looks like a real blizzard. It's totally

Are you just going to throw away 15 years of marriage? Get those papers.

Well,

at least today wasn't a total loss.

I got to see a new side of you.

What do you mean?

Well, there's regular Hope. Hi, how are you?

And then there's greedy Hope.

Precious money.

Give me precious money.

Okay, maybe I did get a little carried away.

Well, look, I don't want you to feel like you can't ever confide in me.

So from now on, I'm no longer going to be judgmental.

Oh,

you're serious.

Hey, bro. It's my ex around. I wanted to say goodbye.

It wouldn't be kidnapping if Faith just happened to be locked in the shoylet

when you took off.

Just think about it.

So, you're leaving?

Yeah, I thought I'd cash in one of my snow globes and buy myself something

practical.

Like a tiger or a two -man submarine.

Listen, I really am sorry for everything.

And I know you're really, really mad at me. So, if you want to have some angry

goodbye sex...

I'll be in the RV.