Original subtitles

Nutmeg? Has the entire world gone mad?

What are you doing?

SoapNet is going to be here any minute to interview me. Who puts nutmeg in

ginger snaps?

I know.

It's an outrage.

It certainly is. I can understand a dash of cinnamon in it. I'm talking about

the daytime Emmys.

I can't be in last place.

Haley, where did you get your research?

I've pulled soap fans across the country. You only have 8 % of the

population.

But on the bright side, you have 90 % of the prison vote.

What I need is more exposure.

More exposure? You wore a wet T -shirt for your driver's license picture.

It isn't fair.

These hacks are on TV every day.

But don't worry.

I've got an angle.

I'm going for the sympathy vote. Because you were fired?

Okay, here's how we're going to spin that.

I wasn't fired.

I quit.

So I could move home.

To Ohio.

To be with my sister and her family after you suffered your mental

What?

There. That's soap next. They're here. Now get dressed. And let's crazy up that

hair. Stop that.

I am not going to act crazy so you can get the sympathy vote.

Don't you want me to win? Get her a soap? Move out of here?

Faith.

Can you believe her? Calm down, honey.

Doctor said you could crack again at any moment. Come on.

You know it don't have to dark.

Hello,

Soap fans, and welcome to SoapNet Race for the Emmys. I'm Robert Verde, and as

you know, there's a tantalizing little twisty in this year's Best Actress

category. It's the old Ashley Storm.

versus the new Ashley Storm.

So, Faith, tell me, what's it like to be nominated opposite Brooke Spencer, the

actress who replaced you? Well, you know, Robert, I really haven't given it

thought.

Kids, what do you think of your aunt's nomination?

Well, personally, I feel a lot of money is wasted on all these silly award

shows. Money that could be used to save endangered animals.

Like the pig -footed bandicoot. Okay, children, it's homework time.

I'll be up in a minute to help, and then we'll all read Larry Potter.

As I was saying, winning a second Emmy couldn't be further from my mind.

I'm really all about family these days.

You know, seeing someone go through shock therapy really puts life in

perspective.

I did not have shock therapy.

Memory loss is one of the major side effects.

Hey.

That's my name.

Good for you.

Charlie? Two names in a row. You're on a roll, sweetie.

Faith has been our guardian angel. If she doesn't deserve to win a daytime

get back on a soap and move out of my house, I don't know who does.

Oh, stop.

He's just so grateful that I brought them to the house after he squandered

necktag on cheap malt liquor.

Right, Charlie?

Two months sober.

Well, Faith, we at SoapNet were so moved by your story that we're going to fly

you and your entire family to New York City for the Daytime Emmys, all expenses

paid. This is ridiculous.

I'm not... Wait a minute.

Did you say all expenses paid?

It's a miracle.

Oh, I haven't seen my sister this lucid in months.

And imagine what kind of progress she'll make if I win.

Where's the mini bar? Hey, kids, you ever had a $40 jelly bean?

I'm back.

Baby's back, and she's never leaving again.

Who are you talking to?

The good life, Haley.

Now, I know it's been tough on you being an only child, but somebody might just

be getting a little sister very soon.

Hey, there's a water fountain next to the toilet.

Whoa, Justin, that's not a water fountain.

You dirty slut.

You thieving skank.

Congratulations!

Look at you. You look fabulous.

You look fabulous.

You're so thin.

You're so thin. You're so tan. You're so tan.

Oh, I can't tell you how long it's been since I've had a serious conversation.

Everyone, I'd like for you to meet Jacqueline Carr, my mentor and...

This woman taught me everything I know. The one -brow raise, the come -hither

hair shake, and of course, the piece de resistance, crying on cue.

You're going to win.

You're going to win.

So anyway, I'm Hope.

Faith's sister.

Oh, Hope.

It's so good to see you up and about.

I'm actually fine.

Of course you are.

And these are my nieces and nephew.

And Hope's first husband, Charlie.

Mmm, aren't you a tall drink of water.

Glug, glug, glug.

Please, come sit. Tell me everything.

So, how's the show?

Well, the new Ashley Storm is a major prima donna. Laura Levesetti, our pig

-headed producer, has made a big mistake and everyone knows it.

Meaning? I think you know what I mean.

What do you think I think you mean?

You think I mean exactly what you know I think I mean.

Now, listen, I'm having a little cocktail soiree in my room tonight.

Say, 8 o 'clock? I wouldn't miss it.

Did you hear that?

They want me back on The Sacred and the Sinful. Oh, my God.

Is that what she thinks you thought she thinks you meant?

Not what she said.

I just don't want you to get your hopes up. Well, I'm trying not to, but right

now I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl.

This is so typical of you, Hope.

Only happy when I'm down. That's not true. It's just... Well, you didn't

leave the show on the best of terms.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You slashed Laura Levittetti's tires.

That's a damn lie. I keyed her car.

You lit your script on fire and burned down half the studio.

See, this is the difference between you and me, Hope.

You see the studio as half -burned. I see it as half -unburned.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go rehearse sounding sincere for the

cocktail party.

Hey, but Hope, I really do appreciate your concern.

Thank you, Faith.

Gotcha!

How's that for sincere?

Yeah, the kid's still got it.

You know, I never thought I'd say this, but...

If Faith moves out, I'm going to miss her.

Aw, Charlie.

Gotcha!

You're easy.

Laura!

How did you get in here?

Jacqueline, I'm the producer of The Sacred and the Sinful. I can get in

anywhere.

How did it go?

Like a moth to the flame.

Like a bead of honey.

Like a monkey to the banana.

Like a fly on the... Get to the point.

She'll be here at the party tonight.

Excellent. Miss Fairfield is in for the surprise of her life.

Now I'll take that document. No, no, no, no, no. Not so fast.

Not until I have Faith back right where I want her. Then you can have your

precious document.

Until then, your secret is safe with me.

Where is Faith?

She'll be here.

Faith Fairfield can't just slap together one of those signature looks.

Tacky takes time.

Hey, check out this spray!

This is it. My big comeback.

My re -entry into the real world. I'm so nervous.

Promise you'll stay close to me. Of course.

Faith! Tacky, darling!

Dye for?

Your dress is to dye for.

Her hair is gorgeous.

Your hair looks gorgeous.

And you brought hope.

No, you brought hope.

Come,

Mingo. Everyone's dying to see you, especially Laura Levesetti.

Can you believe her? Everybody thinks I'm nuts.

Who cares what they think if it gets Faith back on a soap?

Now be supportive.

Start arguing with that lamp.

Ooh, champagne.

Two months' sobriety is nothing to throw away.

He's right, sweetie.

We just got our house back.

So how's your make -a -dream -come -true kid?

Oh, he's in remission.

Oh, you're kidding. That's too bad. Yeah, I know. You invest all that effort

war for them to get well.

Excuse me. I just wanted to raise your awareness about an animal that's nearly

extinct. It's called the pig -footed bandicoot. Oh, sure, I'll try one.

Me too, thanks.

Excuse me, can I interest you in some champagne?

Sure. I'll take that.

I'll take that.

Excuse me, didn't I work with you on General Hospital?

Me?

No,

I'm not an actor.

You should be.

You've got a great look.

Well, I did play Kenickie in Grease.

On Broadway?

Actually, no, on Maple Lane. That's where my junior high was. Sold out both

nights, though.

It's not that Hollywood hasn't been calling.

I haven't been answering.

I mean, just last week, I caught Hope running through the neighborhood in

nothing but a shower cap and pantyhose.

I had to shoot her with a stun gun.

If I could give you all my Emmy votes, I would. Me too.

You deserve to win.

No, you both deserve to win.

Actually, I deserve to win.

Oh?

And you are?

Brooke Spencer.

The new and improved Ashley Storm.

Ah, yes.

You really did fill out the role.

Especially in the upper thighs and buttock.

Faith Fairfield.

Look at me looking at you.

Looking at me.

Dylan.

Oh, that's right.

Did you two use the date?

How funny. Something else of yours I got.

Careful, Brooke. We might have to clip your claws.

Faith, may I have a word with you in private?

Meaning? Meaning a place sufficiently secluded for us to be alone.

Not watched, heard, or disturbed by others.

Excuse me, do you taste nutmeg in this?

I have no idea.

I only ask because it's unusual to put nutmeg in a stuffed mushroom.

But the whole world has gone nutmeg crazy lately.

I mean, just the other day, back in Ohio, I was making ginny snap, and the

recipe called for nutmeg, which is just insane.

That's Faith Fairfield's sister.

I know. I heard she fell in love with a lamp, and they had to unplug it so she

wouldn't get electrocuted.

Ginger and nutmeg together?

It's just madness.

Will you excuse us?

Oh, thank God.

I couldn't agree with you more.

Oh, my gosh.

Nicholas Delarusso?

Well, I'm Lance Taylor. I played Nicholas Delarusso on Days of Our Lives.

know. I'm a huge, huge fan. I just loved you and Marla together.

And your eulogy when she died made me cry and cry.

Although, frankly, I was a little surprised when you started dating

three weeks later.

Granted, I know she had Marla's heart, but still.

What are you doing?

I'm in the middle of a conversation with Lance Taylor.

I was right. They want me back on The Sacred and the Sinful. I'm going to be

Ashley Storm again.

What about Rick Spencer?

Oh, they're going to fire her with no warning.

Isn't that wonderful?

Are you sure you can trust these people? Hope, these people are like the family

I never had.

Thanks a lot.

Can't you just for once in your life be supportive?

Everyone, as you know, as part of the Sacred and the Sinful's much

crossover with Days of Our Love, Alexis, the beautiful and stunning me...

Go to Manhattan to track down the brutal serial killer who has been stalking

Cedar Valley.

But what you don't know is that she comes face to face with... Me!

The beautiful and stunning me!

What? What's going on? You're out, she's in. You're nuts.

That's right, folks. Tomorrow, I, Faith Fairfield, return to work on the sacred

and the sinful.

This calls for a toast!

To Faith!

You know, I loved our wedding, and it was amazing when the kids were born, but

Faith going back to work might be the happiest day of my life.

Charlie, do you think I'm not supportive of Faith?

Honey, if you were any more supportive, we'd be divorced.

This is so exciting.

I wish I was on a soap opera. Cindy, there's nothing challenging about

around saying lines that somebody else wrote.

Why don't you give it a try?

One of our day players called in sick. It's just a lie. I'd love to.

Let's go.

I can also do accents. Good hip.

I am Russian, no?

Hey.

Uh, hey.

Oh, The Taming of the Shrew. We're reading that in school.

Really? What college do you attend?

Glen Falls University of College.

Institute.

All right, everyone.

Places.

Where's Faith?

Oh, she's here.

She's here!

Hello.

I'll be right there, Harry.

Okay. It's Stan. If I could get you to sign here?

Sure. Now, who should I make this out to?

ABC.

It's your contract.

Okay. How do I spell that?

A -B -C.

I did my part. Now I'll take that document. Not until you know who signs

contract. Trust me, she will.

She's like a deer in the headlights, a spider in the web, a rat in a trap.

I got it.

Don't worry.

You orchestrated this beautifully.

Yes, I know.

Let's just hope that Faith doesn't read the fine print.

D .C.

Warm wishes.

Faith.

Fairfield.

Thank you.

You want to hear my line?

Mr. De La Russo, they're ready for you in the boardroom.

Are you wearing mascara?

Just a little.

Make my eyes pop.

All right, everyone.

Places. Me, me, me, me, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my.

Where's Faith?

good to be back where I belong. Hello, Joe.

Gordon. Dickie. Carl.

I've missed you all so much.

And I promise, Faithy will never go away again!

Okay, then. Place is...