Original subtitles

Hey, where's Clay?

We're out at the mall with Mandy. Hi, Dan.

Yes! Five days in a row.

I love that girl.

I thought you couldn't stand Mandy. Well, it's kind of a love -hate thing. I

love her when she takes Faith out, hate her when she brings her back.

Hating her.

I'm telling you, it wasn't. It so was.

Mandy thinks she saw Shaquille O 'Neal at the mall.

Okay, we're in Sneaker Alley, and I'm picking up a pair of ankle weights for

cardio striptease class.

And this guy who works there asks if he can help. I look up.

It's Shaq.

It wasn't. He was huge.

He was like 5 '11". And I'm like, hey, Shaq. And he's all, I'm not Shaq. And

all, yeah, right, Shaq. And he's all, I'm not Shaq. My name is Ronald. And I'm

like, okay, liar.

And then she insisted he autograph her chest.

Check it out.

I'm not Shaq. My name is Ronald.

Isn't that hilarious?

Shaq is so funny.

Hey, can Mandy stay for dinner?

Mandy, we'd love to have you, but Friday night's family night.

My mom says you can't stay.

That's okay, Mrs. Shanowski.

Bye. Bye.

Sally? Dad?

What are you doing here?

Where's Summer?

Summer left me.

Can I live with you?

No reason to live.

How about a waffle maker?

Summer loved waffles.

Maybe we'll just surprise you.

Summer loved surprises?

I got dumped in the first grade. You'll get over it.

What are we gonna do?

I haven't seen him take anything this hard since Mom died.

Hey, I know what'll cheer him up.

It's his 70th birthday.

We can throw him a surprise party.

We can invite all his old friends.

Yeah.

Nothing says your whole life's ahead of you like the early bird special with the

cast of Cocoon.

Hey, guys.

How'd you get in? Oh, Faith gave me a key.

I have the same shirt.

And your shirt.

Dad, lunch is ready.

Hey, Dad, you remember my friend Mandy from high school? Hi, Mr. Fairfield.

Hello, Mandy.

Dad's going through a rough time right now. His fiance left him for another

I didn't know your dad was gay.

He's not gay.

He's just a little down.

But he's gonna bounce back.

Better than ever.

Hey, I hear ya.

My mom went through the same thing a few years back when she and my dad split.

But six months and four suicide attempts later, she was totally fine.

Oh, my God. Are you totally thinking what I'm thinking? Totally.

a major slot i'm not sure he's ready to date sure he is i'll make all the

arrangements well i guess it couldn't hurt oh my god do you know what this

my mom and your dad are gonna no silly you're

going

after 12 .30 and he was still out on the town.

Do you think he and Mrs. Radner, you know... What

is that? What are you doing?

Happy morning! Happy morning!

It's time to get up because we're all done snoring. Oh, girls.

Thanks, I had the best time last night.

We want details!

Tasteful details!

Well, let's just say that the date hasn't ended yet, huh?

Are the kids gone?

Honey, come on down.

Oh,

you have got to get a new pull -out couch in that. Daddy, my back is killing

Of course, the couch isn't entirely to blame.

Well, we just had the most wonderful time. We walked and we talked.

It was the perfect evening.

What about Mrs. Radner?

You know, Mandy's mom?

Yeah. No, I didn't go for her.

I just want you both to know that your father is a fantastic lover.

I mean, really, the way he looks... Okay, time out!

Faith, can I see you in the living room?

He's old enough to be my father.

He is your father.

You're adopted?

Don't worry, honey. I still love you. Well, not quite the same way, but... I

cannot believe you're okay with this.

Look, the important thing is Dad's got his mojo back.

And after a few days of seeing him with nojo, I am very happy about that, and

you should be, too.

Fix the clock at the Elk Room.

Hey, I found those Perry Como albums you wanted for the party.

This is the perfect plan.

Tonight, Dad's going to spend his birthday with all of his old friends,

going to realize he has nothing in common with Mandy.

I mean, she's like a child. She gets confused telling knock -knock jokes.

Hey, some of those are real mind -benders.

I mean, orange, glad I didn't say banana.

I did not see that coming.

Honey. I know you're not crazy about Mandy, but it's just a fling.

When I'm his age, I hope I'm still out there having crazy, wild... marriage to

you.

Well... Good talk.

Am I the only one who sees how inappropriate this is?

Look, Hope, you're just gonna have to let this go.

Dad can make his own decisions.

He's a grown man.

Guess who took me shopping?

Don't I look fly?

Check out the bling bling.

Mandy, you have the most classic taste.

Daddy, this is the kind of thing you can wear forever.

I wanted to do something special. You know, it's his 70th birthday tomorrow.

Yes, 70th, not 17th.

Mandy's taking me to this club called Spasm tonight to celebrate. We want you

guys to come with us.

But, Dad, remember, we're taking you to dinner tonight at the Elk Room.

Oh, honey, the Elk Room is so old, Jack. The new Jack wants to kick it at Spasm.

Whoa.

Well, that's too bad.

We already have reservations, and it's all set.

We could just move everything to Spasm. No, we can't. Yes, we can. Faith, a

word?

Celebrating Dad's birthday as ever.

Look, Hope, you're just going to have to accept the fact that Dad and Mandy are

dating. I mean, look at them. Look how happy they are.

Oh, I got foam all over my fingers.

Oh, I'll get that for you.

Oh, my God.

She's flicking our dad.

Oh, but it's okay if they have sex.

is just occurring to you now?

Ew! Yes!

Oh, my God. It's freaking me out. I can't get it out of my head.

You're doing it Daddy style.

Wait. Pull it together.

Okay. Okay.

Mandy's my best friend.

I'll just tell her how uncomfortable this makes me, and she'll end it.

Oopsie. Now I've got foam on my finger.

Mandy!

Sure, sweetie. What is it?

I've been thinking, and I'm really not comfortable with you dating my dad, so

you could just end it, that'd be great.

Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

You're my best friend.

A best friend wouldn't ask her best friend to break up with her dad.

Well, a best friend wouldn't tell her best friend that a best friend wouldn't

ask her best friend to break up with her dad.

Unless she wasn't her best friend.

Did we just break up?

I think we did.

Oh, I guess we'll see you at the bathroom.

Oh, wait, can I borrow that little black strappy dress? Oh, totally. You look so

hot in that. Wait a minute. No.

Forget it.

Besides, that dress makes you look fat.

Oh, yeah?

Well, knock, knock.

Who's there?

I'm having sex with... Faith, don't. I got this whole... I'm having sex with

who? I'm having sex with your dad.

not see that coming.

Here we go.

One Manhattan, two Rob Roy's, and a Seth Perla.

And another Mighty Toro.

Hope, you gotta try one of these. They are friggin' amazing.

I was tired when we got here, now look at me.

How many have you had? I don't know, three, seven.

I guess you didn't see this coming in carpool, did you?

I guess I did.

Oops, Morris.

You've got some stackery on your finger. Let me lick that off for you.

I think you missed the spot.

The pleasure chest.

It's open for business.

Oh, yeah.

I am so into this.

Pete!

What are you doing?

I'm fighting fire with fire. An eye for an eye. A dad for a dad.

Another score fake.

You're just dating my dad because I'm dating yours.

Oh? You're dating my dad? I hadn't noticed. I can't keep track of every

brings home.

Well, now. Everybody sees it's very silly to date each other's dads.

You know what?

I'm going to go dance with my hot lover.

Come on, Jack.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I feel like hot lover dancing, too. Come on, Morris.

Hold it, honey.

All right.

Let the games begin.

Let's go.

Let's hit the dance floor. Let's show them how we shake it. Come on.

Leave my daughter alone.

Hey, get your hands off my dad. Get your hands off my dad.

Morris, I'm going to lay you out. Yeah, you and what army?

General Wright and Sergeant Lent. Put it up, honey.

Go on.

Fight!

she could be here with all of us.

The way it used to be.

So do I.

Then why did you start dating six months after she died?

I don't know. I guess I just felt lonely.

Why all these younger women?

Is that what you want?

Is that what all men want?

Charlie, is that what you want?

I'm sorry, what?

You know, the truth is, if I could find a woman like you, or you,

or your mother, I wouldn't care if she was 100.

Well, at least 60.

I'm sorry about tonight. I thought that being out with Mandy would make me feel

young, but I never felt older than I did tonight.

And foolish.

And foamy.

Wow. This is something. This is what family is all about. You can just feel

electricity, the love.

Just... Of course, through your...

Let's

draw on his face.

If you drink, I don't want you driving. Just call and we'll come pick you up.

And if you're going to be out past 11, we want to know about it. Girls, I'm

going out on the town with a friend. I'll be fine.

Oh.

Yes.

I'm sorry that things didn't work out between us, you know.

But always remember, time is a great healer.

Not from the looks of things.

Oh, Jocko, my man. Look at you. All dressed up, huh? Let's go. We're going

out and party like it's 1949.

I'm all set.

Good night, girls.

I'm just here to return your stuff.

Hope's shirt.

Hope's blow dryer.

Hope's curling iron.

Oh, and Hope's back massager.

My back has never felt better.

You know what?

How did you keep it?

Well, I guess this is it.

I guess it is.

I heard DJ Zach's is spitting at Blister tonight.

You want to go?

Totally.

You won't believe who's working the door. Jackie Chan.

Oh, but don't blow his cover. He likes to be called Edward.

I can't believe I overslept.

What time is it?

Wednesday.