Original subtitles

be late for school mom i need more sugar cubes to finish my pyramid how can that

be i bought four boxes that's how

justin why aren't you dressed for school i'm taking a personal day

upstairs now i gotta get my own crib

You've got nightclub first period.

Yeah, like I'd wear this much clothing to a nightclub.

Girls, remember, I have jury duty, so Aunt Faith's going to pick you up after

school. I'm out of order?

You're out of order. This whole trial is out of order.

Faith, what are you doing?

El Pacino, in the movie Injustice for All.

I'm working on my audition piece to get on the jury. What do you think?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm the one who has jury duty, not you.

It's not an audition. It's a civic responsibility, which I take very

which is why I'm not taking you.

Justin, let's go!

Why not?

Because you never take anything seriously.

Excuse me, Mrs. Shanowski, could you repeat the question?

No, but I'll repeat the answer.

No, no way, no how.

Well, fine. I'll just stay home and throw together a little yard sale.

Tag anything you want to get rid of.

One dollar or best offer.

Yes.

Yes, I do consider myself a fair... impartial law -abiding citizen.

I always buckle my seatbelt.

The strongest drug I've ever taken is extra -strength aspirin.

Well, to be fully candid, ibuprofen. Aspirin hurts my stomach.

But even though I'd heard it could have that effect, I remained fair and

impartial until I had proof beyond a reasonable doubt.

In the form of severe abdominal cramping.

Thank you.

I have no further questions of this potential juror. You may return to the

gallery. Thank you.

Good luck to you both.

May justice prevail.

Oh, attempted murder. This is so exciting. I'd kill to be in this show.

Is that a show?

Sorry, episode.

Will juror number 417 take the stand, please?

I think you may have killed her with your aspirin monologue.

Number 417?

You had your chance. Oh, what do you know?

I am juror number 417.

Please state your name and occupation for the court.

Faith Fairfield, Emmy Award winning actress.

Big fan of the law.

Prosecution may begin questioning the juror. Miss Fairfield, have you ever

accused, tried, or convicted of a felony?

Two out of three.

I was wrongfully accused in the murder of Thorne. I did kill Deacon and

accidentally ran over Ridge.

I was declared mentally unfit to stand trial. Of course, thanks to the

miraculous work of Dr.

Hans Van Gunther, I was able to regain my sanity and lead an active and

productive life.

Until I was murdered by my sister, who then turned the gun on herself.

Then why aren't you dead?

Oh, you thought I meant me.

I was talking about Ashley Storm, my character on The Sacred and the Sinful.

I myself have led what some may call a colorful life, but let's just leave it

that.

I have no more questions, Your Honor. If you'd like to see more, I can send over

my reel.

We'll call you.

Attorneys, approach events, please.

I can't believe you did that. You were so incredibly wrong.

I know.

Big mistake.

I should have ate the girls first.

If they're at attention...

Everyone's at attention.

All right. Would the following people please report to the jury box?

Jerry Berlin.

God, I hope I get it. I was way better than that blonde bimbo that went before

me, don't you think?

That was me.

And finally, Hope Shanowski.

Everyone else is dismissed.

But, Your Honor, I object.

I haven't had a chance to show you my range.

ice machine in the courthouse.

I can't believe I wasn't even selected as an understudy. The term

is alternate, and it's a good thing they didn't pick you. You make a terrible

juror. How can you say that?

Because you make a mockery of the justice system, and you have zero

span. Your focus is all over the place. That is as hurtful as it is untrue.

George, please take your seats in the jury box.

Please, be at intermission.

The court will now hear the case of the people versus Victoria Dumont, the

Honorable Walter J. Pitford, presiding.

Thank you, Miss Fairfield.

Victoria Dumont is being charged with the attempted murder of her husband,

Harold Dumont, by poisoning.

So, how are you going to vote?

I think I'll wait to hear the testimony.

Oh, man, we're going to be here all day.

Miss Fairfield, court observers may not speak.

Hey, who's on trial here? Me or that murderer?

There is no talking in this courtroom.

Now let's proceed to the opening statements.

Prosecutor, you may begin.

Mrs. Janowski, do you have something you'd like to share with the rest of the

courtroom?

That's okay.

It's not very interesting. Read it.

Hope, keep your chin up.

The courtroom illustrator has discovered your turkey neck.

It's hereditary.

Fortunately, it skipped me.

If I hear another word out of you, you will be removed from this courtroom.

Your Honor, if you should remove anyone from this courtroom, it should be this

man, because he is drawing you majorly G -A -Y.

Ooh, you made the Sphinx out of gumballs.

Actually, those are marbles.

Honey, how was jury duty?

She got picked over me for a trial. Can you believe that? I guess justice really

is blind.

Well, don't feel bad. If justice was stupid, I'm sure you'd be first in line.

Ah, Charlie.

There's that searing wit that led you into orthodontics.

So, tell me about the case. I can't. I was instructed not to talk about it.

So as to keep an open and impartial mind.

It was attempted murder.

Faith? See, this cheap slut gold digger is accused of trying to marry and bury

some old rich guy.

But think about it. Why does she need to whack him? He's so old, he's going to

drop dead any day now.

You want to know what I think? Not in the least. I think she's being set up.

But by whom? A relative?

A disgruntled employee?

For all we know, it could be someone in this very room.

Charlie, where were you on the blustery night of the 17th? Oh, please.

She's as guilty as hell, and everyone thinks so.

Of course, tomorrow there could be compelling evidence to the contrary.

Oh, so everyone else on the jury thinks so, huh?

When did you become such a lemon?

Are you going to be like all the other lemons and roll right off the cliff?

I think you mean lemming.

Sweetie, the adults are talking.

Now, why don't you go put the finishing touches on your sphincter?

One more question. Do you think your mother would ever have tried to kill

Dumont? No, never.

In fact, when he got ill, she made him drink a protein powder shake every day.

And if he wouldn't finish it, she would practically force it down his throat.

Well, we've had that protein powder analyzed and found it contained high

of arsenic.

You're wrong. My mother would never do that.

I have no further questions.

Defense?

The defense requests a five -minute recess.

What is it with this woman? Her client's wife is on the line, and all she wants

to do is go outside and play.

Jurors, you have just heard closing arguments, and in a few moments, you are

retired to the jury room to deliberate.

You should only vote guilty if you believe the evidence is beyond a

doubt. Do not allow sympathy or prejudice to influence you.

The law demands of you a just verdict.

Well, that's a weird way for a stepdaughter to look at her stepfather.

Hey, wait a minute.

Of course.

They're having an affair.

They're in cahoots.

Cahoots.

What a silly word.

Rhymes with boots and toots.

Hey, fatso.

Hey, stinky.

Hey, Mr. Bad Toupee.

Where do you think you're going? Oh, I just need to go in there and talk to one

of the jurors. It's about the case. I've cracked it wide open.

Forget about it. Nobody talks to the jury until they come to a verdict. But,

but, but... Nobody.

Hey, Don.

Gnarly crime scene photos.

Courtroom 4. Cool. Let me get my lunch.

Detained.

I am the Honorable Maria Von Trapp. The

temp agency sent me over.

Hear ye, hear ye.

Court is now in session.

Okay. What is the first case on our locket?

You mean docket.

That's what I said, docket. You should have your hearing checked.

Judge Eskin was going to announce a decision on the matter of the people.

Versus McNeil. Ah, yes.

The old people versus McNeil case.

Fascinating case.

On the one hand, there's, well, the people.

On the other, McNeil. Only one can be victorious.

But who?

Hmm.

Difficult case.

No wonder George called in sick.

Watch this.

months worth of jumbled plot twists. And trust me, what's going on here is

classic dun -dun -da!

What is that? What are you doing?

Do I have to spell it out for you? The old man and his stepdaughter are lovers.

They're trying to frame Victoria so he won't have to give her a dime in the

divorce. It is soap opera 101.

Faith! This is not a soap opera. All the compelling testimony I heard in that

courtroom cannot be undone with a single...

Sign the search warrants. Absolutely.

Leave no stone unturned. But you are not a judge.

This is exactly why I don't trust you.

But you have to.

Listen to me. I am an actress.

A student of human behavior. For example, right now, I can tell that

really angry.

Okay, that's an easy one. But how about this? The court stenographer tugs on her

ear every time someone enters the courtroom.

And the prosecutor plays with worry beads in his pocket.

At least I hope they're worry beads.

And the defendant's daughter can't look her mother straight in the eye because

she's bonking her stepfather.

Faith, it is too late. We have already reached our verdict.

Then you leave me no choice!

I declare a mistrial!

Dun, dun, dun!

Madam Foreman, I understand the jury has reached a verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

We the jury.

Find the defendant.

I'm sorry, what was that?

We the jury.

Find the defendant.

That's enough.

Throw that woman out of my courtroom.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Nice guns.

Ooh, big feet.

You're not stuffing those shoes, are you?

Okay, okay, I'll go peacefully. I just, I have one thing to say.

I am that man's lover.

What? That's right.

I'm carrying his illegitimate love child.

That's a lie.

Oh, yeah?

Well, tell it to this paternity test.

That's a lunch menu.

me a hoagie and a tuna melt i am eating for two did you hear what i said sweetie

he's been cheating on you with me doesn't that make you insanely jealous

that fill you with rage don't you want to crack and confess it was his idea to

frame your mother come on i'm offering you a deal

Proceed to the verdict.

Madam Foreman?

Actually,

Your Honor, we might need a little more time to deliberate.

May I ask why?

You see, I saw her look.

And this might seem a little silly, but...

really tell a lot from a look.

You don't happen to watch soap operas, do you?

No.

Well, sometimes there's a look. Like, doo -doo -doo!

Ray! What happened?

Well, the case was dismissed.

Really? The daughter confessed to everything.

Why?

or advised her to take your deal.

Wow. Guess I really am quite the legal beagle.

It's legal eagle.

Uh, no.

It's beagle. They sniff out the truth.

You know, there is a certain madness to your method.

But? But I'm impressed.

You do notice things most people miss.

Including me.

Thanks, Hope.

And since you mentioned it, I did notice a teeny tiny coarse hair that you

probably missed because it's tucked into your turkey neck.

You can take the bus home.

Aw, come on. Don't be like that.

Wait, Hope!

Mom thinks I brush my teeth, but I just wet the toothbrush.

Feels like the perfect day to make an apple pie.

You know what?

Scratch that.

I'm going to do something crazy.

I'm going to make two apple pies.

Hope, your sister's got to go.

Hope, please, for us, make Faith leave.

Hope, I've got two weeks to live.

And I just don't want to die with her in our house.

When Charlie sees this month's credit card bill, he is going to kill me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That was totally supposed to be in my head.

Forget you heard it.

Nice save, Faith.