Original subtitles

French tip still wet.

I played with Dad's baseball and got it soaked.

Your Dad's autographed baseball?

I'm going to sleep with the fishes.

Well, let me see how bad it is. Where is it?

It'll be done in two minutes.

You're not trying it in the microwave, are you?

Good thinking.

Hey!

What's going on? Nothing. There was just a little problem, but now everything

is... A -okay.

But enough about us. How was your day?

What was that?

Dad's baseball.

Oh, no.

Not the one autographed by Roger Clemens. The one that sits in its own

protective case.

The one he took on our honeymoon.

Maybe he won't notice.

Oh, my God.

Justin, what happened?

Um... I did it.

It's my fault.

Freak out about what?

This amazing new dish that Hope cooked.

Smells good.

Let me have a taste. Oh, no. This is all.

But you know in the end we can laugh about it. We don't know we can drive

other crazy.

We know we don't have to worry.

We will live, we will laugh, and we'll love each other anyway.

La, la, la, la, la, la.

Ah, there. Problem solved.

An autographed baseball just like your dad's for $10.

Still got that 20 in your piggy bank?

How did you know I had a 20 in my piggy bank?

Lucky guess.

Does your daddy have a piggy bank?

Hey, any luck finding the ball?

No, but I did post you on RUHot .com, and you're doing surprisingly well.

Faith, this is serious. Oh, come on. It's a baseball. How mad could he get?

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

Chain on this thing keeps sticking.

Have you told Haley yet she's going to lose her treehouse?

Yeah, she's up there saying goodbye.

You know, you've got kind of a sexy lumberjack thing going on.

Ahoy, matey.

That's a sailor. Who do you think made their boat?

Carpenters. Who do you think gave them their wood?

Okay, just go cut down the tree.

Hey, I've got great news.

Roger Clemens is going to be in Columbus today appearing in a charity baseball

game. Perfect. You can go there and ask him to sign the ball. Can I borrow your

car? Perfect.

We can go there and ask him to sign the ball.

Wait.

What was the second thing?

Oh, I just checked on RUHot .com and you've been upgraded to doable.

say your goodbyes?

I can't believe you're cutting down this tree.

It's been here my whole life.

I mean, I wrote my first angry letter to the president sitting right here. Oh, I

remember. The FBI came by the next day.

You don't sign letters to the president, watch your back.

Look, honey, I love this treehouse too, but the tree is dying.

It's not safe anymore.

So what do you say?

Should we go down?

Are those real handcuffs?

I found them in Aunt Faith's drawer.

Did she play a cop on the soap?

Do me a favor.

Stay out of your ass drawer from now on.

Why are we dressed like this? I feel stupid.

Look, you want to get backstage, you've got to look the part. Besides, think

about it.

Your hand -to -butt ratio is finally working in your favor.

Follow my lead.

This is my sushi order.

Oh.

Okay, look, I didn't want to have to pull rank here, but I'm a huge star. And

you don't let us in, Roger Clemens is going to be very upset.

Big star.

That's right.

Hope, tell him.

She's Faith Fairfield. Star of the Sacred and the Sinful.

Well, she was.

She was fired.

Well, killed off.

Now she's broke, unemployed, living in my house.

Special VIP entrance for people like you, right this way. Oh, a VIP entrance.

Faithy likey.

fire alarm, and then you sneak in there and get Roger Clemens and sign this

ball. Are you crazy?

You never pull a fire alarm unless there's a fire.

Okay, we'll start a small one, but I think that's more dangerous.

Faith Fairfield?

It's me, Eddie.

Vanderbeek?

We made love at Dodger Stadium?

I'm sorry, you're going to have to be more specific.

Nice to meet you.

So what brings you two down here to the game?

Well, uh, a love of baseball, certainly.

And, of course, a genuine concern for the people who have, um, that bad thing

that you guys are playing this charity game for.

Hunger? Yes.

Hunger.

God willing, someday they'll find a cure.

You mean, like, food?

I destroyed my brother -in -law's prize baseball, and now we're here to try to

get Roger Clemens to sign a new one for him.

Give me the ball.

I'll take care of it.

And, uh, good for you with that food idea.

Dodger Stadium, huh? Yeah, Eddie and I were hot and heavy for a while.

I don't remember why, but we drifted apart.

Stopped having sex.

Thanks.

Here you go. Thanks, Eddie.

See? Problem solved.

Never dump a player for the bat boy, you heartless witch.

At least I think it says witch.

What do you think, Justin?

I have to disagree, Dad.

Trees born and grow and die.

Such is the cycle of life.

Wow. I never thought of it that way.

Isn't that what you told me to say?

Justin, how do you know it's this tree's time?

What if you're wrong and he cuts it down and it screams in agony?

Scream? Can't you hear it?

You slide through here into the locker room. You get Roger Clemens and find

ball, and then you slide out, and we're out of here.

Godspeed. Me?

Why don't you do it?

I can't slide through there with these.

But you, you'll slide right through. You're built like a toboggan.

of people other than just yourself.

Oh, you mean like this morning when you used Charlie's ball to plug up the tub?

That was really thoughtful and selfless.

Completely untrue.

You didn't take a bath this morning. Yes, I did. Smell me. No,

you took a shower because when you take a bath, the floor is totally flooded and

you leave candles and bath salts and a dirty ring around the...

You're never going to get me to rat out my only nephew.

Dad, why would you cover for Justin?

Because.

Do you remember that stamp collection that Dad had that he loved more than

anything in the world?

The one you used to mail invitations to your 13th birthday party?

I'll never forget the look in his eyes when he found out.

He was so disappointed in me.

Of course, it might not have been so bad if you hadn't bought the invites with

his coin collection.

I saw Justin so upset this morning. I just... I never want him to see that

in his father's eyes.

I think that might be one of the nicest things you've ever done.

So if it's okay with you,

let's just tell Charlie that I ruined the ball and let the chips fall where

may.

Well, we could do that.

But I think I've got a better idea.

Okay, we're in.

Now let's go get that ball sign.

Okay, but the first order of business is finding this guy.

Just get Roger Clemens to sign the ball and get out of here.

What's the rush?

We're surrounded by strange, half -naked men.

Exactly. Slow down, sister. Enjoy the ride.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a match.

Stop that.

Look, there he is. Come on.

Hey, Roger, take a couple more questions, all right? Roger.

That last pitch, did you know it was a strike as soon as you let it go?

I knew it was a strike when no more swung and missed it.

That's a hoot!

And what publication are you ladies from?

And what publication are you from?

Willie Randolph, bench coach of the New York Yankees.

Oh, well, don't give up. I mean, the important thing is that you're on the

We're from the sports magazine called...

Jocks and balls.

Do you have a question?

Yes, we do.

We here at Jocks and Balls want to know, what's your favorite sport?

That would be baseball.

Very interesting.

I'll just jot that down.

On my hand.

With my finger.

What our JMB readers really want to know is when you're running for a field

goal... Touchback.

Homer. Homer?

When you're running for a Homer, do you ever take time along the way and stop

for a fan and sign his ball?

Excuse me?

As a gesture of goodwill. Because I happen to have a ball and a pen right

Oh, you two!

to cook a chicken in there.

Get some more ice.

I'm going to go get my antifungal.

Boiling!

Boiling!

Hey,

Roger, your tub's ready.

Come on, this is great.

My knee is killing me.

So now what do we do?

You should probably punish me or something.

Yeah, yeah.

I am going to punish you.

So what do you think I should do for your punishment?

You can take away my TV privileges and ground me for a week.

Young man, you have just lost your TV privileges.

And what's more, you are grounded for an entire week.

Is that it?

You should probably say a little something.

about responsibility.

Good, good, yeah.

I like that.

I hope that you've learned to be more responsible and, uh... Respect other

people's property?

Exactly.

So we're clear?

Perfectly.

Your excuse.

Not you, too.

I'm sorry, but this treehouse has a lot of memories for me.

Ross, Marissa, and I spent an entire summer up here playing spin the... math

book.

Man, he was good at math.

You know, kids, this treehouse means a lot to us, too.

Oh, it sure does.

I designed it, built it with my own two hands, and I paid a professional to

rebuild it after it fell out of the tree.

that first night.

Just to make sure it was safe.

And, well, y 'all know Justin.

I

knew

that'd get him. There's nothing worse than the thought of your parents doing

Oh, that's true. I remember after a big rainstorm.

I walked into the laundry room, and there was Mom and my dad in his black

-high socks and his tighty -whities.

Okay, okay, got it.

You know, I'm really going to miss this treehouse.

Maybe we'll feel better if we say a proper goodbye.

We did have to eat.

Mrs.

Maybe we should take this inside.

Good idea.

Give me a chance to change out of these black knee -high socks.

Ew!