Original subtitles

Mom, I'm going to be late for my study group.

I'm sorry. Your aunt was supposed to be back with the car an hour ago.

I know.

That's when I put on the uniform.

I'm dying in here.

I'm glad you're all here. I have something very important to tell you.

Oh, they'll be back.

Where's the car?

I lost it.

You lost the car?

Actually, couldn't find and lost the will to look for.

Where's my car?

Somewhere in the parking structure.

Could be on B4 or J2 or F something. It's definitely not on A1, I can tell

that. Anyway, I took a taxi home.

You just abandoned my car?

Like America abandoned me.

What are you talking about?

I just spent three hours at the gym and not one person recognized me.

I even positioned myself in the treadmill so I could be seen in seven

mirrors at the same time. And do you know what I saw?

Seven nobodies staring back at me.

And one angry gay man waiting for the machine.

Look, Faith, I don't have time for this. Now I have to get a cab, drop the kids

off, go look for my car, and get back to the mall before the stores close.

Oh, the mall?

Soap fans love the mall.

Take me with you.

Faith, I don't have time to chase you around the food court and pretend that

a fan.

Fine, just have me page and shout my name when you see me.

Look, I have to get a dress for our anniversary this Friday, and you'll just

in the way.

Your wedding anniversary or one of your made -up cutesy -poo anniversaries?

It just so happens this Friday is the anniversary of the day Charlie and I

kissed. You are so lame.

You probably also celebrate the anniversary of the day you had Justin.

Yes, but we call it his birthday.

Charlie's a hopeless romantic, and he loves our little anniversaries. Trust

he wouldn't even remember if you didn't remind him.

That's not true.

Well, why don't you not remind him and then see?

Fine. I will.

Ah, much better.

What are you doing?

Mom, I think we have a situation here.

I can't believe you talked me into buying her a car.

Look, the sharing thing is not working.

And anyway, it'll be a used car, so it won't cost that much.

Oh, a Bentley convertible.

Oh, there's no way I'd lose this at the gym.

And only $249 ,000? There's no way we can afford not to buy it.

We were hoping for something that cost less than our house.

Cheapskate.

Look, here's a cute car.

A powder blue hatchback.

You might as well just take me out back and shoot me. Don't you think you're

being... Wait a sec.

Let's hear her out.

Faith, we can't afford an expensive car.

What about that account you and Charlie put money into every month?

The kid's college fund?

Honestly, do you really think Justin is going to make it that far?

The kid thinks there's a new Mexico.

How about a motorcycle, Faith?

Charlie, do you have any idea how dangerous these things are?

Yes, I do.

I wonder if Handsome Hal Halverson is here.

Handsome who, Whatterson?

Handsome Hal, this is his lot.

Haven't you seen his commercials?

Handsome Hal, beep, beep. He's as honest as he is handsome.

Ladies and gentlemen, the tone guests.

And he has all these celebrities in him. My favorite is the one with Pauly Shore

and that orangutan.

Forget about it. I'll never work with that Pauly Shore again.

And that orangutan.

Oh, that orangutan had the worst breath. And what a prima donna.

Hey, it's Handsome Hal.

Welcome to my world, everybody. Now, which one of you two lovely young ladies

should I be focusing my charm radar on?

I don't know about charm radar, but my cheese detector is flying off the

Wait a minute. Aren't you Faith Fairfield, the lovely soap opera star?

Even more dazzling in person than you are on television.

Aren't you a smooth talker.

I don't know if you're trying to sell me a car or ask me out on a date. You take

it easy.

I've been happily married for 30 years to six different women.

I love this guy.

You know, a huge star like you shouldn't be over here looking at humble

hatchbacks. No, somebody like you should be driving something much more exotic,

much more expensive.

I couldn't agree more.

Well, let's just say her budget is limited.

Light bulb!

You need a fancy car? I need a fancy star from a new commercial.

Pauly, show the orangutan that's overdone history.

This is kismet.

Well, that's very flattering. Bye. She'll do it.

Charlie, can you give us a second here, handsome Hal?

Sure, take all the time you want, honey, but remember this.

With my good looks and her caboose, we could change the way people feel about

pre -owned leasing forever.

What is there to talk about? He just offered you a free car.

Really? A local commercial? Don't you feel that's a little beneath me? You'll

get on TV again.

And people will certainly recognize you more. You and your caboose.

I do have a nice caboose.

And I do need a car.

Okay, I'll do it.

being on TV with that guy will do much for my career.

So I was thinking maybe we'd have a few tendrils cascading down the side of my

face and then we'll sweep it up in the back into a nice French twist, but

nothing too tight.

How about if I just brush it?

Brushing is good.

Do you have a round brush?

I'm the receptionist. I only have one brush.

Mine.

Oh, can you take over? Sure.

That's my phone.

Oh, good. There you are. Were you able to get me that air -conditioned trailer?

Um, no, but I was able to get your name on a stall in the women's bathroom.

You'll need this.

Oh.

Well, thanks.

Oh, and Aunt Faith, do I really have to wear this? It's not connected to

anything. It's a showpiece, sweetie.

Perception is everything.

Is that Faith Fairfield, TV star and soon -to -be owner of her very own

automobile? One and the same.

Aw, that is so sweet.

Are you having fun, Sydney?

Hang on, Mom. What's that?

Okay, I'm on it. Gotta run.

Hey, where is Handsome Hal anyway? I was kind of hoping he'd sign a headshot for

my office.

I'll sign a headshot for you.

I'll catch up with him later.

Listen, I'll see you in about an hour.

Where are you going?

Well, it just so happens I've got a special gift to buy today.

Really? A special gift?

What's the occasion?

Oh, no occasion. I'm just treating myself to some new car speakers.

Handsome Hal's giving me 20 % off. I think he really likes me.

Maybe next year you can celebrate the one -year anniversary of the day Charlie

forgot your pretend anniversary.

He didn't forget.

He's just waiting for the last minute.

He knows I like surprises.

It's classic Charlie.

Looking good, HH. Right back at you, Chaz.

So, you ready to make a little magic? Not just yet. I had a couple of

regarding the script.

The script? What script?

You mean this?

Yes, but more specifically, I'm a little unsure of my motivation.

Your motivation is to read your lines and look at me adoringly so you can

out of here in a free car.

Uh, but it says here I'm supposed to be captivated by Handsome Hal's good looks

and inescapable charm.

Exactly!

Easiest role you'll ever play.

Okay, places, everyone.

Here's my vision for the scene.

We start out tight on the sign, then push and rack focus. Phil, Philly, we

know you stole more cars than anybody else on the lot last month, but it

make you Cecil B. DeMille. You know what I mean?

Sorry, Dad.

Quiet on the set.

And... Action.

Want a great car but don't have a lot of cash? Then make like Faith Fairfield

and come on down to Handsome Hal's. The only thing more impressive than his good

looks are his great deal.

But a good deal is... And I should know because I'm Faith Fairfield, former star

of The Sacred and the Sinful, now available for movies and miniseries. And

partial nudity is not a problem.

Back to you, Handsome Hal.

What do you think you're doing?

I just thought I'd spice up the commercial a little bit.

Listen to it. I do the funny, you do the pretty, laugh at my jokes.

Got it?

I'm not that good an actress.

Looks like we got another Piazzadora on our hands.

Okay, from the top.

No, no, no, we don't go from the top. I gave you gold.

Let's pick it up where Meryl Streep here flubbed her lines.

All right, ready?

Action!

The only thing more impressive than his good looks are his great deal.

Not only do I give you a great deal, but I also give you my word of honor.

Nobody!

What's wrong with you? Look, you wanted the star.

You gotta let her shine.

Listen,

Cupcake, you don't think I know what you're all about? You don't think I have

your number?

Newsflash!

You're not the only girl in the world I ever worked with, you know.

What do you think?

I'm an idiot?

I'm supposed to play second fiddle and fawn all over you?

Oh, handsome Hal, you're so handsome and honest, you drive me crazy with your

good looks and keen fashion sense.

Well, forget it, because I'm a famous soap opera star, and you, you're just a

used car salesman.

With a brand new Bentley, fully loaded, with a timeshare at Cedar Point,

Christmas guaranteed.

And season ticket to the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. Oh, yeah?

Well, the only two words I understood in all of that was Bentley and Christmas.

She's impossible.

I never thought I'd miss Corbin Bernson.

Never!

I have half a mind to walk off this thing. Go ahead.

Nobody's stopping you.

I am, actually.

What about the car that we all need, that we were getting for free?

It's not free if it costs me my dignity.

I'd rather have you buy me my car.

Oh, I pity the man that has to wake up to that every morning.

Hey, beautiful.

Was your day as great as mine?

Why? What's going on? Oh, just a couple tickets I got for this Friday night.

Oh, Charlie, the Pops are in town? No, but the Lakers are. They're playing the

Cavs.

Bloodhound got courtside seats.

Who's the bloodhound?

Last week, I went out with Todd. He had a few too many beers, so I was driving

us home.

Todd had his head out the window the whole way, mouth open, drool flying.

And it kind of reminded me of... Bloodhound is Todd.

So, sounds like you're busy tomorrow night?

Yeah. Is that a problem?

Tomorrow's Friday, right? Yeah.

November 7th?

Yeah. So, can I tell the hound it's a go?

Sure.

Have fun.

What's wrong?

You were right about Charlie.

I guess the only reason he remembers our anniversaries is because I remind him.

You want to talk about it?

Because I'm here for you, and you have my undivided attention.

Aunt Faith is on TV!

I am? Hit record!

Hit record!

Want a great car but don't have a lot of cash?

Then make like Faith Fairfield and come on down to Handsome Hound.

Tell me, Faith, do you have trouble making decisions about cars?

I have half of mine.

What was that?

I have half of mine.

What happened to the other half?

There

was

no donkey there.

There's always an animal. That's the bit.

Now that we've worked together, tell me.

What do you really think about me?

Oh, Handsome Hal, you're so handsome and honest, you drive me crazy.

It's not just my pretty face, people.

It's my deals, deals, deals.

And finally, how on earth is it that Faith Fairfield has never shopped at

Handsome Hal's before?

It's like he found my diary and read each word aloud.

This means war.

Handsome Hal's messed with the wrong cupcake.

I have half of mine. I'd find a new catchphrase if I were you.

Handsome Hal. He's not going to get away with this. It wasn't so bad.

I'm sure most people didn't even see it.

Oh, we're lucky for them.

a weasel ever tells, because when I get my hands around his slippery throat, I'm

going to rip his lying tongue out of it. Faith, what are we here to do?

I was just telling you, and you cut me off. No!

We want an apology, we want the car he promised you, and we want that

off the air. None of which will happen if you rip his lying tongue out of his

slippery throat.

You're right.

You're right.

I'm calm.

I'm in complete control.

I'm at peace.

Um...

I'm guessing you've seen the commercial.

Yes, that's why we're here.

Cut together nicely, didn't it?

Switch this girl to D -cam.

Look, maybe what I did was wrong. Great television, but wrong.

Damn straight it was wrong.

But I gotta tell you the response I'm getting, through the roof!

I had no idea how much America loves you. I mean loves!

Really? Faith, remember why we came here.

Listen, I put an ad in the paper saying you'd make a personal appearance at 3 o

'clock. And you should see the turnout.

There's a turnout?

My fans are here?

That's right, Dimples.

I can't believe you think my sister would fall for such a cheap and obvious

stunt.

She is here for the car you owe her, and that's it.

Right, Faith?

and you got it.

Faith Fairfield.

Thank you.

Tell me something. Who here liked that commercial with Faith Fairfield?

And who'd like to see a bunch more?

And how about a half of the donkey?

I paid him an ounce.

Hey, Faith, what's it like working with Handsome Hal?

Oh, you mean after I got over how handsome he is?

Like any woman could get over that. Check out these guns, baby.

Had chemistry right from the start.

Lightning in a bottle. He's so easy to get along with. That's true. So

More true. And honest. Even truer. And generous. People she cannot tell a lie.

As a matter of fact, in exchange for doing our first commercial, Handsome Hal

here promised me a free car.

Didn't you, Handsome Hal?

I certainly did.

And not just any car.

He promised me his car.

Isn't that right, Handsome Hal?

I drive a brand new Bentley.

No, I drive a brand new Bentley.

Or I don't do any more commercials.

How about a red midsize convertible? Leather interior?

No. CD player?

No. Airbag?

Absolutely not. Deal. Done.

How long do I have to be in this business before I can work alone?

How long?

Happy anniversary.

Charlie, I knew you'd remember.

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

Now go put on that new dress you bought and make it fast. We have a dinner

reservation at 8.

8 .15 at Chez Pierre.

And the tux is due back tomorrow by noon. And I charged the roses to your

card.

Thanks, Faith.

Look, I know you and I don't always see eye to eye, but you really saved my butt

on this one.

I just feel like I should try and say something nice to you.

But I just can't think of anything.

Charlie, can you come up here for a second?

Oh, Faith?

I still got nothing.

Wow.

You look good enough to kiss.

How did you know I bought a new dress?

Faith reminded you about our anniversary, didn't she?

She might have dropped a hint in passing.

That was very sweet of her.

So, would you remember all our little anniversaries if I didn't remind you?

Maybe.

Not so much.

You think they're ridiculous?

I wouldn't say they're ridiculous, but our first parking ticket? I think we

could lose that one.

On the other hand, I really enjoyed the cufflinks I got last year.

I could stop if you want.

Honestly, I'd hate that.

I may not remember them, but I really love the fact that you do.

You know what anniversary I love the most?

February 7th, 1987.

Shady Point Inn.

Oh, Charlie.

It was February 17th.

But close enough.

Hurry, hurry.

Tell me something, Faith Fairfield. How do you go from being a major soap star

to doing used car commercials in the Midwest?

I'm not that good of an actress.

Well, you don't have to be a great actress to get a great deal at Handsome

Hal's. One final question, Faith.

How do you keep that girlish figure?

Airbag?

Whoa, too much information.

But if you need information about a great car, come on down to... Handsome

He's as honest as he is handsome.

Handsome Hal.

He's as honest as he is handsome.

Right, Faith?

I did not see that cow coming.

That's the genius.

Four people recognized me at the gym today.

And now this.