Original subtitles

We don't have to talk about it. We got a different way.

But you know in the end, we can laugh about it. You know we can drive each

crazy. You know we don't have to worry.

We will live, we will laugh, and we'll love each other anyway.

La, la, la, la, la, la.

My dear devoted fans, thank you for your millions of cards and let billions.

Bam!

Thank you for your billions. of cards and letters since I was cruelly and

unjustly killed off the sacred and the sinful.

But don't worry about me, because I'm currently on a fabulous ski vacation in

beautiful St. Moritz. Ready?

Now!

Perfect! Your fans are gonna love it. It totally looks like you're skiing.

Yeah, and the couch had such a nice touch.

Justin!

Give me that. My Emmy is not a toy.

Besides, it's dangerous. You could fall and break it.

Here, play with this letter opener.

Justin, what have I told you?

Don't fart in public.

And never take things from strangers or Aunt Faith.

Special delivery for Faith Fairfield from ABC.

ABC?

Maybe it's a script.

Feels like a script. Hey, you're back in the game. Kids, come say goodbye to

your Aunt Faith before she leaves for Hollywood. Come on.

Maybe she should open it first. Oh, I don't know. There could be traffic. We

wouldn't want her to miss her flight.

I can barely stand the suspense.

Here, Haley, you read it.

Faith Fairfield. That's me!

You are hereby ordered by the Superior Court of Los Angeles to pay ABC the

insurance deductible of $5 ,000.

for damages due to... arson?

Ah, a drama.

Arson? Let me see that.

You burned down the studio?

No, not the whole studio. It was just a couple of sets, and... Well, let's put

it this way. There won't be another season of Friends.

What happened?

I was in shock.

Nobody told me they were killing me off, so...

Naturally, when I read the script, I lit it on fire and threw it into a nearby

bucket, which apparently was filled with paint.

Huh. You made a bum.

It says here you have to pay within 30 days or serve up to three months in

What am I going to do? I don't have any money. Do you know what they do to

celebrities in jail?

No, but let us know when you get there.

Well, I can see I have no choice.

I'm going to have to go on the lam.

We have to give her the money. Oh, no, we don't.

Dad, you're so mean.

What if I got arrested? Would you just let me go to jail?

I think it's a when, not a what if.

We have to help her. We've helped her enough.

What do you suggest? We just let her get dragged off to jail? No, I'm not a

monster. We'll drive her there.

Look, it wouldn't kill her to get a job, you know, like every other person in

the world.

She's not like every other person.

Because your family coddled her and so do you.

No, I don't. You still do her laundry and make her bed.

Yours too.

Okay, that's a bad example.

But the point is, honey, you are part of the problem.

If you keep bailing her out, she'll never learn how to stand on her own two

feet.

You're right.

What's that supposed to mean? Trying to pick a fight?

No.

When you're right, you're right.

Yeah, I'm not falling for that.

I'm wrong.

Who is it?

It's me.

Prove it.

What did I give you for your 16th birthday?

Thank you. Thank you. I promise I'll pay you back. We're not giving you the

money. Oh, my God. You're broke, too?

No.

You have to learn responsibility.

Fine. Of course, I'll need protection in the slammer, which means I'll have to

marry some big, mean girl named Tank.

You don't even care.

Yes, I do.

Why, I'm going to help you help yourself by getting a job. You're getting a job?

No. You are.

I can't get a job.

I'm a celebrity.

And what would you do if you walked into the diner and saw Ben Kingsley flipping

burgers?

That's Gandhi.

Hope, that is just a character he played in a movie.

You're not going to have to work in a diner. There are lots of other jobs.

I am not getting a paper route.

There are a lot of interesting things in here. What are you qualified to do? I

can cry on cue.

What good is that going to do you? I don't know. I just thought it was worth

shot. Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

See? Pretty impressive, right?

Yeah.

I'll keep that in mind.

What about a manicurist?

Oh, I already have a good one.

Will you please try to stay focused?

something interesting.

What? What is it?

Newspaper ink comes off on your hands.

Faith?

Hi, babe.

Oh, you scared me. I thought it was Faith.

Welcome to my world.

You know, it's been four hours and she's still at her new job.

How many jobs is that now?

Uh...

If you count the yard sale. Oh, I count the yard sale.

She sold all my shoes.

She's doing the best she can.

Which is a sad part.

She doesn't have any real life skills.

I don't know, maybe we should... Hope.

I know, I know.

Think or swim.

Own two feet.

I understand this is hard.

But in the long run, it will be the best thing for the both of you.

Are we alone?

Hmm. What do you know? We are.

Ooh.

You, me...

And

a

giant hot dog.

Oh, Charlie, you were never good at the talk.

Well, if anybody's interested, there's an opening at Jimmy's House of Hot

What happened?

It was awful.

People were honking, yelling obscenities. I mean, I'm standing on the

corner dressed like a giant wiener. Frankly, it doesn't take much

Frankly. Good one.

And then there was this crazy falafel who claimed I was working his corner.

well, you'll see the rest on the news.

What am I going to do?

Where's the camera? I guess I'm just going to have to go to jail. No, I take

the suit first.

Stop it.

You're not going to jail.

keep a job as a hot dog.

Maybe just setting your sights too high.

Hey, look, it's you in ten years.

See, no one's going to hire me to do anything dignified.

I wish I was dead.

Don't talk like that.

I'm not going to let you give up.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Own two feet, Hope.

Own two feet.

Why don't you work for me?

Work for you?

And that's not bailing her out?

No, because we won't be giving her the money. She'll be earning it. Doing what?

Lots of things. Like, she could be my stylist.

Or your personal shopper. God knows you could use one.

Actually, I was thinking you could help me with the chores around the house. You

know, cooking, cleaning, carpooling.

Where are you going?

of my purse wet.

I was mopping.

Don't mop the counter.

Why don't you go to the grocery store? We need milk.

A gallon of whole, half gallon of skim, and a half pint of half and half. But

reach in the back because the ones in the front get spoiled with the door

opening and closing, opening and closing. Got it.

Milk.

And then I need you to go by the dry cleaner.

And then I need you to make 20 sock monkey puppets for the children's

Sock monkey puppets?

The kids love them.

This one's batteries are dead.

It doesn't have batteries. Well, then it's not a toy.

Each monkey gets two button eyes and a cotton puff nose, which you have to sew

on by hand.

Why do they all have to be the same? Why can't one have a fish hook nose and

bottle cap eyes?

Because they're supposed to spread joy, not tetanus.

What kind of a message is that sending? That we're all created equal?

Because I got a little gold lady upstairs that begs to differ.

They're called Emmys, not we -all -get -ems.

Look, this is the way the hospital wants them. How do you know?

Because I'm the president of the volunteer committee, okay?

And it's very important to me, so I'd appreciate it if you'd just do as I ask.

Aye, aye, Madam President.

Good.

I'll see you at the hospital. Three o 'clock sharp.

can't walk in these.

Hey, you're 30 minutes late. No, I couldn't find the valet.

This is the hospital. With terrible valet service.

Did you finish the sock monkey puppet?

my sister, Faith.

Nice to meet you.

Sorry we're late.

No problem. Why don't you two sit right here and I'll gather the kids.

They're very excited.

Well, that was rude.

What? She acted like she didn't even recognize me.

Okay, this may come as a shock, but not everyone watches daytime television.

Right. She's 50, no wedding ring, and smells like cats. Trust me, she's my

biggest fan.

is Mrs.

Shanowski and her sister... I am so sorry I've forgotten your name.

Likewise.

They've made you all some very special toys.

So if you'll all come up one at a time, you can each pick one out.

Look at the joy on those kids' faces.

This

is

exactly why we ask that all the toys are the same.

Frankly, Mrs. Shanowski, as president of the volunteer committee, you should

know better.

What you always do. Exactly what Faith wants to do.

This is about the orange juice. Milk!

And you know what this is about?

Respect. You don't respect me.

Of course I respect you. No, you don't.

You just humiliate me. And then you stare at me with that blank look in your

eyes. Like right now.

You're not even listening to me. What are you thinking?

Honey, you have got to stop frowning or you're going to get wrinkles.

bailing you out anymore.

You're fired.

Fine.

That's fine. I don't need to work for you or for anybody else.

Because with this body and these brains, I can get $5 ,000 just like that.

Mrs.

Janowski.

Have you seen your ex -wife? She put on a bunch of makeup to go to a bar to see

the guy who's going to give her $5 ,000 for her priceless ass.

It's really you.

I can't believe it.

Three days ago, you were skiing in St. Moritz, and now you're here. Glen Falls,

Ohio.

I lead a very glamorous life. Why didn't let's get this over with?

Did you bring the cash?

Yeah, right here. But, uh, how about a little peek first?

All right, a quick peek, but no touching until you pay me.

Oh, beautiful.

It's in perfect condition.

I wax it every morning.

Have you ever touched one? I almost touched Bea Arthur's once.

Please, can I?

Okay. Are your hands clean?

Wait.

Wait. Be gentle.

Wait. It's caught in the ripper.

Stop it! What are you doing? I can't let you do that. It's not...

woman and it's mine to sell.

Look, she wants to do it, so butt out.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Paying for sex.

I'm not paying for sex.

Emma? No!

He's buying my Emmy.

Oh. Can I get you some ice for that? No, that's okay.

I can't believe you would think that I would sell my body for $5 ,000.

I'm sorry.

You should be.

I could get at least triple that.

Look, do we have a deal or not? My mom's waiting in the car.

Talk to her every day.

She likes being talked to.

But don't.

I'll loan you the money.

Thanks, Hope, but I can't.

I can't let you do that because I do respect you.

And I want you to respect me, and you never will if I keep letting you bail me

out.

You'll be safe with him.

He's my biggest fan.

No, he isn't.

I am.

And I'm not going to let you sell your Emmy. It's too late. She's mine. No, she

isn't. She's mine. She isn't.

I'm so sorry.

Me too.

Now I don't have anything left.

That's not true.

You have me.

Oh.

Let's make it $5 ,500.

I lost my deposit on the hot dog suit.

Well,

I have to hand it to you, Faith.

I didn't think you had it in you.

You stuck to it, and you paid off your debt.

We are so proud of you.

Yeah, I'm proud of me, too.

Nobody knows

what trouble I...