Original subtitles

You know we don't have to talk about it. We've got a different way.

But you know we can laugh about it. You know we can drive each other crazy.

You know we don't have to worry.

We will live, we will laugh, and we'll love each other anyway.

La la la la la la. Okay, I've got cupcakes for my little math genius.

Go Justin!

Go Justin!

Yes, you do. You get all the hot guys and everyone loves you.

Oh, wait. That's me.

By the way, Faith, Dad called. He had some bad news.

Aunt Dodie died.

Dodie? Oh, no. Not Dodie.

Not my favorite aunt, my beloved godmother. No, no, no. That was Aunt

died 20 years ago.

She did?

No wonder those birthday checks dried up.

You remember Aunt Dodie.

She was Mom's cousin on the Nelson side of the family.

I miss Grandma.

She said bad words.

We all miss her, too, sweetie. Okay.

Enough depressing death talk.

Who here thinks I'm pretty?

Aunt Dodie, was she the one with the hairy knuckles?

No.

That was Aunt Sissy.

And Aunt Sally.

And Aunt Nancy.

Who had the saggy boobs?

Uncle Ed.

Oh, that's great.

You'll get all the hot guys and everyone will love you.

Oh, wait.

Tell me.

Wait a minute.

Wasn't Dodie the one that stole Mom's ring?

We never knew that for sure.

What ring?

A beautiful opal ring our great -grandmother left to our mother. And it

infuriated Dodie. She came over a few days later, the ring disappeared, and we

never see Dodie again.

Well, we're going to see her tomorrow.

I told Dad we'd represent the family at her funeral.

I don't do funerals anymore. When my fifth husband Stefano died, I went to

funeral, and it was awful.

On the soap.

I found out before he was Stefano, he was Stephanie.

On the soap.

The pain was real.

Look, you haven't been to a family function since Mom's funeral, and you're

going. But I get sick around dead people.

It's true.

I faint around them. It's a rare...

Disorder called death... fainting.

Hopefully someday they'll find a cure, but until they do, I'm afraid... Enough!

You're family and you're going.

Charlie, why can't you go? You're family.

For now.

Hello. I'm not here right now, but if you'd like to leave a message, or better

yet, leave my house and go back to Hollywood, please do so after the beep.

Beep! You're so funny. Handbox full. Goodbye.

Where did you learn to drive? I could have pushed the car here faster.

19 years. No tickets. No accidents. No fun.

Coincidence? I think not.

Cedar hanger, please.

Oh, my God.

That's what you're wearing?

Oh, please. There's no reason a funeral has to be depressing.

It's not like we died.

Just try to look sad.

Oh, I am sad. Check out the line to the bar.

That's not a bar. That's the coffin. They're waiting to view the body. View

body? What a bunch of sickos.

Let's just go pay our respects.

Fine, but then we're out of here, and I'm driving home. Forget it. I'm not

getting pulled over.

Please, relax.

I got a pair of get -out -of -jail -free cards.

I don't see anyone we know.

That's because we haven't seen Dodie or anyone from that side of the family in

about a million years. In fact, I bet you don't even know Dodie's real name.

Yes, I do.

Dotafer.

Dodie Ann.

Doa Deer.

Excuse me, did you play Ashley Storm on The Sacred and the Sinful? Yes, honey, I

did, and beautifully so.

Oh, yes.

Of course, I'm just the supporting player here. The star of tonight's show

the lady in the box.

Well, how did you know Esther?

Esther! I knew that.

was our mother's cousin. I had no idea she had such a famous relative.

Well, she should have told more people. She would have had a bigger turnout.

If you'll excuse us.

Let's just view the body.

But what about my death fainting? I don't believe it.

Look what she's wearing.

I'll grant you. That's a lot of cleavage for a corpse.

And her finger. It's Mom's opal ring.

Oh, my God.

Just look at her with that smirk on her face.

What nerve? What gall?

What?

Faith?

Faith, sweetie?

She has death fainting.

It's a rare disorder.

They're looking for a cure.

And less old people.

You just fainted, poor thing. Come on, let's get you some water. Good job. Our

plan worked.

What plan?

Oh, my God!

How could you steal a dead woman's ring?

It wasn't easy.

might go go boots, too. Then we could go as twins.

Here are the rules.

You sit ten rows away, and you do not know me.

Oh, and can I have money for candy?

Thank you.

Yeah, well, if any of my friends are there, you don't know me either.

Hey, Dad, why couldn't I go to the funeral?

I love dead people.

It's good to have hobbies.

Go,

go, go, come on.

No, sweetie, of course not.

That's okay. As a middle child, I'm used to being ignored. Trust me, being the

favorite can be a real burden.

Be thankful you're practically invisible.

Honey. Stop it. There are no favorites in this family. But honestly, who do you

like better, me or Mom?

Come on, Justin, keep at it.

Hey, I don't respond well to pressure.

Why isn't this working?

I'm trying.

to S -Y -D -N -E -Y.

Your code word is Sydney?

Don't feel bad. It's only because we love Hayley less didn't fit.

How could you steal a dead woman's ring?

Aunt Dodie stole this ring from Mom and I stole it back.

And now it's home where it belongs.

On my finger.

Wait a minute.

How do you get to keep it? Excuse me?

I licked the day.

And it's important to me. It's part of our family history.

All of a sudden, you care about family.

In the ten years since Mom died, you came home for two Christmases and one

Easter. What about that Thanksgiving I flew in to surprise you? Your flight to

Rome was diverted, and no one was more surprised than you.

Well, I never got a thank -you note for those little bottles of vodka I brought

you.

They were empty.

Well, since we're keeping calves, you only came to see me once in L .A. And

fell asleep on set right in the middle of my big emotional courtroom

I killed Deacon, I killed him by God, and I'd do it again.

I was five months pregnant. I was pregnant, too, until I managed to defend

myself against those murder charges.

On the soap!

Excuse me, ladies.

What?

I'm... Sure, you loved her very much, but loud bickering is not going to bring

Mrs. Harris back.

Mrs. who?

We're here for the Nelson funeral.

Oh, well, I'm afraid that's tomorrow.

That's not Esther Nelson in there?

No, that's Esther Harris.

Ruth Nelson is being buried tomorrow.

Ruth!

I knew that.

what this means?

That isn't Mom's ring.

But in the end, I think Esther would have wanted you to have it.

Oh, I know.

I know.

And then if she told Risa that Mark said that I said... Hold on.

Dad, will you please turn this thing off?

I'm trying to, but the alarm box is in here and I can't find the key.

Dangerous.

It's about time. What did you guys do? Stop for lunch? Sir, put that axe down.

What? Oh, no, I was just going to put this back and then... Put the axe down.

We'll need your password to confirm this is your place of residence.

My password?

Yes, sir.

Is that really necessary?

What's the password, sir?

Justin.

Excuse me?

Justin.

I don't believe this. Your password is Justin?

Yes! Second favorite!

Hey, if anyone cares, I'll be upstairs in my room.

Down the hall.

Second door on the left.

Your favorite kids can help you find it.

That isn't Mom's ring.

You robbed an innocent corpse.

Don't panic.

We'll just return it.

What are we going to do? Tell her grieving family that you accidentally

her ring off? No!

We can't do that.

But you can. I'll meet you in the car.

Thanks!

Look, I'll make a distraction.

You put the ring back on her. I don't want to put the ring back on her. Do you

want to make the distraction?

Give me the ring.

And now, if everyone has paid their respects, we will close the coffin and

proceed to the cemetery.

Wait!

I have something I'd like to say.

About... Dear old -

my beauty and talent.

Of course, it wasn't all bad. Sure, most nights it was stale bread and soggy

porridge, but on Christmas morn, the vicar would come with orange slices and

figgy pudding.

You see...

We'll proceed to the cemetery.

Frank Sinatra?

Vicky Pudding? I know. It all worked out perfectly, didn't it? No.

Fine. Let's just mail it back anonymously and get out of here. We

Why?

I don't have my car keys. Well, where are they?

Is it Hope Shenowski here?

Who is it?

Hey. What?

I thought you might like to know my ATM password is Haley.

That's nice.

What you reading?

The middle child syndrome.

How is it?

Not as good as his first and third book.

Did you know that parents take fewer pictures of middle children?

Oh, I don't believe that.

I looked through our photo albums.

Sidney has 75, Justin has 85, and I have a measly 40.

And one of them is a sonogram.

All right.

There's something you should know.

Your mother was in charge of the camera.

Dad.

Well, I guess your first is your first.

And your last is the last one you're going to have.

And the one in the middle is... Irrelevant.

No, the one in the middle is the glue.

The cream filling.

The spackle.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your mom and I love all of you kids the

same, in spite of the picture ratio.

You want to know something?

You're the most like your mom.

I think that makes you pretty special.

Really?

Really.

Want to know something else that makes you special?

You have the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.

You feel better?

Yeah.

Especially now that I know your PIN number.

Maka made me sorry about Esther wanting to be buried with her cell phone in case

she woke up.

You know, if Mom was watching today, she would be so proud.

Hey, I'm thinking about getting new headshots. Which smile do you like

Or... Faith, why can't you talk about Mom without changing the

subject? Or taking a vote on how pretty you are?

I don't know.

Yes, you do.

I guess I feel guilty. Guilty?

Why?

Because when my mom died, it had been almost a year since I had seen her. You

know, I was so busy with auditions and acting classes.

You probably don't remember this, but I was very self -centered back then.

Faith, you didn't know she was going to die?

And you were just following your dreams, which is all she ever wanted for you.

You know what the saddest day of my life was, besides the day I got that call?

The day you found out Stefano was Stephanie?

The day I won my Emmy.

Because she wasn't there to see it.

She won't be there when I get married or have kids or win an Oscar.

But I will.

I'll always be there.

Me too.

You know, I had no idea funerals could be so much fun.

I can't wait for Dodie tomorrow.

Only I'm bringing a stick of butter in case she's wearing Mom's ring.

Because I am not licking any more dead people.

Your dad brought something to my attention, which is very troubling.

And we both agree there's only one solution.

41! 42!

43! 44!

46!

47! Come here, you!

Get this one! Get this one! Get this one!