Original subtitles

Is somebody going to turn on the TV?

Is that a battery?

Let me try.

What the hell is that smell?

No, I know my smell and that's not it.

Coming from the kitchen.

What's all this?

I'm working on a really important project.

He's making jewelry.

It's not jewelry. It's a Lucite keepsake for Angela.

Friday's our three -month anniversary.

Wow, three months.

Hasn't it gotten boring yet?

Not at all.

I mean, for her.

What are you putting in Lucite?

I saved a piece of popcorn from our first date.

I thought it would be romantic if I turned it into a paperweight.

Hey, Nick.

Bad news.

Uncle Ted died.

We had an Uncle Ted?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, and he left each of us 900 bucks.

Uncle Ted.

I'd say we spent it on something fun.

Absolutely. I'm getting a new dryer.

What? A new dryer.

Why don't we just give the money to charity?

Kyle's right, Nick. Come on, we can't just crap all over dear old Uncle Ted's

memory.

I say we pool our money. We get a hot tub. Keep it here in the backyard.

We don't need a hot tub.

Sure we do. We don't have one.

And I have looked.

You're always complaining about your back, Dad. Those things are supposed to

very therapeutic.

Mm -hmm. Oh!

Come on, Nick. Hey, look at these smiles, huh?

There. I want to be as happy as that girl.

Look at him, Dad. He's got two babes and a really cool mustache.

He does look happy.

Yeah!

But... If we get a hot tub, it's for me and Jimmy.

You kids can use it if and when I say you can.

Fine. If and when.

Everybody say it.

If and when.

All right, Jimmy, let's put our money together.

Hey, there's nothing in here.

What? Well, that's how sure I was you liked the idea. It'll be delivered

Saturday.

Check it out. I put a cockroach in Lucide and made earrings.

Will you stop putting bugs in there?

Do you see the little girls on this box putting bugs in theirs?

Stupid Lucide is so sticky.

You pulled skin off.

Cool. Now I can use your fingerprints to commit crimes.

Oh, man, are you still making that stupid popcorn thing?

What are you going through all that trouble for anyway, Sam?

Angela's going to hate it.

No, she won't. She's very sentimental about things like that.

Trust me, when it comes to gifts, girls like things big and expensive.

She'll like it, you'll see.

Oh, she'll pretend to like it.

She'll be all, thank you, I love it.

But on the inside, she's going to be saying, I put up with all this clumsy

funneling for this?

No, she won't. And my fondling skills have greatly improved.

Savage residence.

Angela, hi.

Hey. Happy anniversary.

What's that?

It's your present, silly.

Please tell me that you comically put one box inside of another inside of

another. No.

Wow. It's heavy. Yeah.

What a great gift this must be.

Definitely not a cheap trinket.

You need a hand with yours, Sam? Oh, I can't wait to see it.

Uh, mine?

Mine is, uh... Well, uh... Oh, my God, Sam!

I was supposed to pick it up from the plate, but I forgot.

Huh?

You forgot?

Yeah, I know, I know. I'm sorry.

How could you forget?

You are seriously the biggest moron on the face of this planet.

I said I was sorry.

Well, sorry doesn't put a smile on my girlfriend's face, does it?

No.

No. I'm too stupid. I forgot to pick it up.

Well, if it was so important...

Maybe you should have picked it up. Right, Angela?

All right, all right. Apology accepted.

Maybe we could exchange gifts later?

Well, um, I have to go out with my parents, but I can come over when we get

back. Excellent. And once again, sorry my brother's such an idiot.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Maybe it's a gigantic piece of popcorn.

Or a jewelry -making kit.

You love those.

I can't give her a piece of popcorn. She'll dump me for anyone.

I'd better hit the mall and get her a real gift.

Oh, hey, you want a ride?

Yeah, that would be great. Yeah, wouldn't it? Take a bus.

Savages. That's us.

Hey, Shaquille O 'Neal. No relation.

Got the hot tub in my truck.

Really? Our dad wasn't expecting you until tomorrow.

See, I'm expecting a lady friend here from Baltimore tomorrow, so I might have

to call in sick if you catch my drift.

Oh, we do, yeah.

All right, you guys. Well, come on up here and help me get this tub off the

of my truck.

We have to help?

Yeah, you're the delivery guy?

Yeah, but I don't want to hurt my back.

I told you my lady friend is coming in tomorrow.

Gentlemen, I give you the Supremo.

Yes, just like the Magnifico, only 20 % more expensive.

And better.

Get a couple of waitresses up in there. Woo, and let the magic begin.

I'm a child.

Not once you get them waitresses up in there.

All right. All you guys have to do is watch this safety video and she's all

yours. Safety video?

The Massachusetts Safety Board, in conjunction with the President's Council

Hot Tubs, with a generous grant from Swingers Anonymous,

presents Hot Tub Hell Tub.

Did you know the average hot tub has five gallons of human urine floating in

Got your attention?

Hi, I'm Officer Steve Cox.

Hot tubbing can be fun, but it can also be...

Not fun.

There are six ways you can die in a hot tub.

For the sake of brevity, I'll skip the first three.

Say, Misty.

Don't you think a strawberry daiquiri would taste just great right about now?

Wrong.

Never drink alcohol while tubbing.

Or you could end up drinking a strawberry... ...ethery.

Now, I like suction as much as the next guy.

But I wouldn't like my entrails ripped out through my tailpipe.

Now, 5 ,000 volts is great for snuffing out scum on death row.

But it can also kill a romantic evening with your special lady.

So appliances like this little baby have got to go.

Enjoy

your

new hot tub. And remember, all sales are...

is one weird safety video.

Yeah, why would they leave in the part where the girl got killed?

We can be in Canada by midnight.

Hey, guys, I'm back from the... You broke it already?

Look, Sam, you'd be doing us a really big favor if you told Dad you're the one

who broke it.

Then he'd kill me. I said really big.

Man, he's gonna go ballistic.

Maybe we can glue it back together.

Are you crazy?

There isn't a glue on Earth that could hold that.

What about the lewthite? That might work.

PJ, the whole tub has to be refilled.

Don't tell me how to slather.

You really think this will work?

I don't see how it can't.

How are you going to clean the excess lucite out of Dad's good pot?

Do what now?

Never mind.

message. You got a big surprise for me. Oh, yeah.

Now, I don't want to oversell it, but this is the best present you will ever

receive in your entire life.

Wow.

What

is

it?

It's rugby.

I don't know what that is, Sam.

It's a fully automated robot vacuum.

And no, I didn't bring it back from the future.

You got me a vacuum?

A robot vacuum.

You know how you're always complaining that your mom's a neat freak and makes

you clean your room all the time?

I'm not always complaining. Sure you are. You're like a broken record. But

here.

We'll buzz around all over your room and keep it spotless.

It takes the sting out of housework.

Oh, thank you. I love it.

You don't love it?

You got me a tree?

Remember our first date when we went to the movies and then you walked me home

and we sat on that tree stump and you said you wished we could sit there

forever?

Well, now we can.

Really?

That's the stump?

Our stump?

I mean, I know it's kind of corny, but... No.

It's perfect.

Truth is, I got you something romantic, too.

Oh, I know, the vacuum.

No, no, better.

I just didn't trust it.

I made it myself.

It's a cockroach.

Stupid Kyle.

Wait, here's mine.

Okay.

You saved this from our first date?

I tried to pick out a really well -formed colonel.

You're right, Sam.

This is the best gift I've ever gotten in my entire life.

Thank you. I love it.

Hey,

Nick.

Toss me a beer.

You got it.

Why can't we move?

Because you're getting old?

Come here.

Closer. To where I can bite you.

Gotta say, Dad, you're taking this pretty well.

That's only because I'm stuck in a casual pose.

If I could move my arms, I would strangle you.

Come on, come on. There's got to be something that'll dissolve this crap.

Well, there's a whole bunch of chemicals under the sink.

We could just pour them on you and see what happens.

Let's not do that.

Hey, doesn't nail polish remover get glue off?

Oh, no. Lucite is a polymer ten times stronger than any glue.

But you're thinking, and I like that.

Maybe we should call the fire department. No!

We work for those guys. We'll never hear the end of it.

We could just take you to the emergency room.

How?

Load the hot tub in the back of the truck and drive us there?

I don't think we have a choice, Nick.

I have to go to the bathroom.

All right, we'll go to the emergency room. But take the back roads.

I don't want anybody seeing us.

Dad, you know, we're really, really sorry.

Yeah, we feel horrible about this, and we're going to get you out.

I'm sure you will.

I know I don't tell you boys often enough, but...

I hate you.

Okay, the tarp will make this less embarrassing.

Thanks.

For us.

Take a left.

It's not the way to the hospital.

No, I want ice cream.

Too bad.

What the hell is this?

My God.

I don't need to be seen. Catch. Yeah.

I'm done.

What?

Hey, Jimmy.

Yeah?

Thanks for the hot tub.

just got the new dryer.

What it's worth, we probably would have broken that, too.

Did I say you could talk?

You talk if and when I say so.

When can you talk?

If and when... Shut up!

Can't you look on the bright side, Dad? I mean, those drag queens did get you

out of the tub.

Hey, I told you nail polish remover would work, huh?

You know, we did win a prize for most fabulous family.

And another thing.

When I say something is mine.