Original subtitles

Oh man, it's freezing in here. Yeah, Dad's got the thermostat on its winter

setting. 58 degrees.

Stupid Chief, Dad.

Making us wear sweaters like a bunch of stupid sheep.

He doesn't care if we freeze. He gets to stand next to burning buildings all

day.

Box already!

It is a breakfast burrito in mine.

Oh, that's mine.

Fuck!

Morning, boys.

Dad, we're freezing.

That's because you're just sitting around. You've got to get the blood

We can jog over to the thermostat and turn it on.

You touch that thermostat, the blood's really going to be flowing.

You know how much oil costs?

I don't care what oil costs. I care what heat costs.

You know where it's warm?

School. Beat it. Love ya.

Hey, Dad.

Will you sign the bottom of this paper we took?

What's it for?

Some after -school field trip.

Where? Some newspaper, museum, factory. Just sign it so I can learn.

Another detention slip?

How many does this make?

Two? Kyle.

Forty -seven.

sign 47 slips.

I know how they upset you, so usually I sign them myself.

But since I broke my forging arm, you usually dot your I's.

You know, if you total up all your detention time, I bet you spend an extra

at school.

So I can take next year off?

Get out of here.

Love you. Get out of here.

Man, I can't wait till Saturday. We're going to have the coolest toboggan out

there. You mean the coolest destructo -boggan.

Yeah, I'm going to put that water balloon launcher on it today after

Are they ready?

Oh, they're ready.

Uh -uh, uh -uh -uh.

No e - in detention.

Unless you're me.

Hey, that's my brownie. Yeah, and it's going to go great with Kyle's milk.

Hey, I need that for my healing bones.

Tough. If it wasn't for you two, I would be home watching Ellen.

So go. We'll lock up for you.

Oh, yeah.

You'd really like that, wouldn't you? Very much.

Well, you got it.

I don't know why I waste time with you anyway. You're not going to amount to

anything.

Teachers aren't supposed to say that to kids.

Hey, it's after 3 o 'clock. I can say anything I want, you little turd.

Now, look.

I'm going to call and check up on you. And when I do, I don't want to hear any

talking. How are we going to say hello?

Figure it out. smart guy.

I hate Mr. Freely.

Always stealing our snacks.

Me too.

That's why I loaded that brownie with laxative.

Hey.

Want to pour water on him when he walks out?

I don't know. Maybe we should give the guy a break.

You know when we're tobogganing and Kenny Tucker always cuts us off in his

stupid inner tube?

We won't anymore.

Pop!

Dad says it's time for dinner and he wants his barbecue fork back.

Barbecue fork? This is a tube popper. Hey!

You think I'm just gonna stand there and let him ruin the destructo -boggin'?

Something weird happened at school today.

What? Josie kissed me.

Gross.

Why would you do that?

I don't know.

Josie's always been like one of the guys.

So it's like you got kissed by a guy?

No.

It's just that usually we do normal stuff like throw rocks at cars and blow

toilets.

Why would you want to ruin a good thing like that? I don't know.

But don't tell anyone.

I'll try.

I mean it, TJ. You say one word and I'll flush your goldfish.

Okay, I won't tell anyone.

So how was your day, boys?

Just a kiss, Kyle.

Say goodbye to your goldfish.

I already did.

It froze last night.

Circle of life, boys.

Kyle's got a girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend.

She just kissed me in detention.

They let you kiss in detention?

I gotta start acting up more.

Since when don't you like girls?

I do.

I like them when they're in a rock video or in my dreams doing a sexy dance and

then turning into a monster.

I just don't want a girlfriend.

Why not?

They turn you into a wuss.

No, they don't.

Everyone say hi to Sally, too.

He was a wuss before he had a girlfriend.

What the hell was that?

It's Angela's dog. I'm poodle -sitting for her while she's away.

See what I mean?

Wuss.

You're no better, Jack.

Always juggling two or three girls at the same time.

That's a bad thing?

Dogging their calls, having to fly for you, stealing money from Dad's wallet to

take them out.

What? I'm keeping track.

And you, you're always staring at yourself in the mirror, practicing your

phase.

No, this is my flirt phase.

You're going down, buddy.

Just like the rest of us.

No, I'm not.

Oh, sure you are.

Women are like vampires.

Good smelling vampires.

Once they get their teeth in you, it's over.

The rest of you can wuss out on girls if you want. I love me just the way I am.

I wouldn't dream of asking myself to change.

Kyle, when a girl kisses you, you go crazy.

What's your point? No point, just a heads up.

Hey, boy.

I have someone here for you to meet.

You two are going to be good friends.

signatures, but really they're the answers to my history midterm.

Isn't today your science midterm?

Oh, now I've got to break my other arm.

Hi, Kyle. Hi.

Does she look different today?

No. But then again, she didn't kiss me.

I told you, I'm not interested.

I know what you're up to.

What are you talking about?

You like me.

Well, yeah.

Aha! So you admit it.

So?

Uh... Look, I can't talk now.

I have to get to detention.

See you there.

But I don't have detention today.

That's too bad.

Let me see that cup.

We're not going anywhere.

Hey, bro.

Where have you been?

I said we're coming home right after school.

Stupid feeling gave me detention again.

What'd you do?

Nothing. Just threw a cupcake at him.

I'm going to be ready by Saturday if I'm doing all the work myself.

Okay, okay, I'm here. What do you need done?

Help me attach this video camera so we can relive the joy of mowing Kenny

down forever.

If that's Jill, I'm out buying a birthday present. If it's Leanne, I'm

dumping Jill.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Josie. One moment, please.

keep your lady waiting.

Maybe she wants you to watch her poodle.

I'm busy with TJ right now on a very important project.

Tell her to quit bugging me.

Okay.

Never mind.

I'll tell her myself.

Hi, Josie.

I was just thinking about you.

Yes, I was.

Yes, I was.

Really?

No, you weren't.

No, you weren't.

Shh.

Quiet. You'll wake everyone up.

One third cup of oil to brownie mint.

What kind of cup?

Hey, get out of there.

Get out of there.

It's three in the morning. What are you doing?

I was thirsty.

For corn oil.

Why, yes.

What part of the corn did that come from?

Brownies? Yeah, so?

Can't a guy make brownies at three in the morning without the third degree?

Josie, I made these brownies to keep away the...

Frownies?

P .S. You're wicked hot.

What's happening to me, Dad?

I'm making brownies for a girl.

I'm a wuss.

Brownies? That's nothing.

Sam once carved Angela's face out of cheese.

I always had a crush on the girl who loved the movie, Peter Pan.

So I went over to her house in these green leotards.

Dad, I can't help you with something that happened 50 billion years ago.

This is about me.

I can't stop acting like a wuss.

Well, these are the tough years, son.

It all gets easier once you're old enough to drink.

Hi, Kyle.

Whatcha doing?

Nothing.

Nothing smells pretty chocolatey.

Those aren't for you. Who are they for?

Me.

And you wrote yourself a card and put a pretty bow on it?

I deserve it. I don't do nearly enough for myself.

Yeah.

We don't either.

Dig in, boys!

Get your stinking paws off Josie's brownies.

Yeah, that's right. I said Josie. I like her. Who cares?

You do?

like you idiots.

Dance around like idiots whenever a girl says, dance around, idiot.

Oh, there's Josie. Gotta go.

Poor idiots.

Hi, Josie.

I know you like brownies, so I made you brownies.

Aw, Kyle, thank you.

Brownies? That's so sweet.

It rhymes with brownies.

Tomorrow we could get together and put fake boobs on all the snowmen in town.

Oh, tomorrow.

Saturday.

I promised I'd go tobogganing with my... Oh, I love tobogganing.

Do that.

Okay. See you tomorrow.

Sally Sue.

What's that, boy?

Sally Sue?

Sally Sue!

Hurry up, Kyle.

We're going to give Kenny Tucker's inner tube a pop quiz.

Get it?

That was wicked funny, TJ.

But there's been a little change of plans.

What?

Me and Josie are taking the toboggan. I don't think so.

It's true. We took a vote.

I didn't get to vote.

Go ahead. Vote.

I don't know.

Two to one. You lose.

But that's not fair.

I did all the work.

I'll tell you what. I'll take you tomorrow.

What if Josie asks you to go somewhere?

Yeah, you're right. Forget about the weekend. But on Monday?

Forget it.

Having a girlfriend didn't turn you into a wuss.

It turned you into a jerk.

Yeah, well, a jerk is better than a what?

You're a jerk and a what?

You're a jerk what?

What do you think you're doing?

I'm classic Kyle, remember me? The one who doesn't brush his teeth and whose

pits don't smell like an ocean breeze.

It's summer rain, stupid.

And I can't believe the way you blew off TJ like that.

You know, he was really psyched about that Destructo bargain, jerk.

He'll be okay. I'll go with him tomorrow.

Oh, unless Josie wants you to go bra shopping with her.

I would totally go bra shopping with her.

Yeah, so would I. Bad example.

Um, makeup shopping. Wearing bonnets and makeup.

Oh, man, are you really going to wear that monkey suit?

Just a shirt.

Yeah, but it's got a collar and buttons and... Oh, are you really tucking it in?

I can't look.

Hey, out of my way. I've got a gate. You're not leaving this house looking

that. Oh, your ass is mine.

No kidding.

Hurry up.

You know all that coffee I drank this morning?

I'm done with it.

What the heck?

I was never really here. It was all an internal struggle in your head.

Thanks, man. I would have never figured that out.

You're welcome.

But you're still a jerk.

It's great.

Yeah, they won't be messing with us anymore.

Hey, thanks for taking me instead of Josie.

Hey, you're my brother. You'll always be more important to me than any girl.

Thanks.

Sorry I'm late.

Josie, what are you doing here?

You jerk.

PJ, this is my little sister, Hannah.

I'll let it go this time.

your brother, Sam?

What's he doing out here?

Sally Sue!

Come back!

Tell her to come back, boy!

Why won't she listen to you?

Sally Sue!

Should we help him?

No, I've got a better idea.