Original subtitles

Let's watch Bikini Space Patrol 2.

Man, I haven't seen Bikini Space Patrol 1. I'm going to be totally lost.

See those girls in bikinis?

Yeah. They patrol space.

Won't they get cold?

They better.

Hey, Sam, want to watch a movie?

No, I can't. I've got a date with Angela.

Bikini Space Patrol.

I've got ten minutes.

Hey, boys. Hey, Dad.

What are you watching?

Space documentary.

Houston, we have a bikini problem.

Uh -huh.

Let's watch something we can all enjoy.

Golf? Not just golf. The Road to the Masters, 1975.

Come on, we can watch it together.

That sounds great, Dad.

We'll be in the kitchen.

He's driving me insane.

Ever since he stopped working Friday nights, he keeps coming here.

He needs a hobby or something to get him out of the house.

We can sign Dad up for a karate class.

Then he can beat people up.

Break boards with his head.

Oh, man, now I want to go.

You guys are missing the obvious. What Dad needs is a woman.

Every man needs a good woman.

I mean, Angela's my rock.

She's my shining light, my only reason. You've been dating for a week.

No, Sam makes a good point. If he can find a woman, anybody can.

That's not what I said. Yes, it is.

Well, Dad's not going to meet anybody sitting on the couch.

And the only women he meets at work are usually on fire.

Guys, you're missing all the action. Lee Trevino's hat just blew off.

We've got to find him a woman.

Ha ha, he's chasing it.

Facts.

So many dating sites.

Why am I wasting my time with school dances when I can get a beautiful

woman mailed to my front door?

All right, now remember, this is for Dad, so make sure and pick a legitimate

dating site.

Here's one called Legitimate Dating.

Perfect.

Hey, that guy looks just like Uncle Jimmy.

It is.

Click on him.

6615.

Sensitive, athletic, and, well, as you can see, clean as a cat.

But I haven't been fixed.

Uh -oh. He's starting to stand up.

Quick, get off.

Quick, get off!

That was great, Angela. I really had a lot of fun. Where'd you go?

Nowhere. Doll show.

There were male dolls there, too.

By the way, you find a girlfriend for dad?

Working on it.

I found a different site.

Cupid's couple.

Find your soulmate with one easy click?

Where? Cupid's dumper seems to be glowing.

Click that.

Okay, so we've got to describe dad.

Well, he's tall.

He's got a truck.

He's got lots of hair.

In his nose.

He's rugged, he's muscular, a man's man.

Hey.

You're a different kind of man's man.

Yeah, the kind that likes dolls.

I don't like dolls.

But I love doll shows.

Man's man. Got it.

Now we have to send him a picture.

Hey, don't we have a picture of Dad winning the Medal of Valor?

Oh, yeah.

Under the menu from Signor Pizza.

Perfect. That metal will cover the mole on his neck.

I'll scan this and upload it with Dad's bio.

So, what do I got to do to be a man's man? Grow a beard?

Can you?

Sure.

You want rugged? You got rugged, baby.

Oh, great. I left my mittens at the doll show.

What a terrible time to remember that.

Man, it's been three days. This beard is driving me crazy.

I look like a bum.

You're kidding, right?

There's nothing there.

It's because I have blonde hair. Plus, with the way the light's hitting it, and

technically you're a woman.

Hey, I got some more responses for Dad's ad.

This one looks like a donkey, but she's got a speedboat.

She stays.

Hey, this one's hot.

Yeah, but she describes herself as a real homebody.

Oh, then they'll both be here Friday night.

She's out.

This one has bigger biceps than Dad.

Yeah, but she drives a cool car.

A transgender's not a car.

Well, the rest of these look pretty good.

Okay, so we'll pick the five best and we'll have them come to a restaurant so

Dad can check them out. What if Dad doesn't want to do it?

Who cares what Dad wants?

This is about our happiness.

He won't know. He'll think we're going to eat. And if there just happens to be

some single attractive ladies there... Or a donkey with a speedboat... Bam!

Cupid dumps a big load of love right in Dad's heart.

All right, ladies. Our dad will be here any minute.

And if you like what you see, don't be afraid to let him know.

Dad, here's our favorite hero.

I'm surprised you boys picked this place. It's nice.

Yeah.

I really should have shaved.

Oh, Dad, I dropped my fork. Can you pick it up for me?

Dad, I should look around for our waiter.

Big smile.

Oh, Dad, you didn't look right over there by the lady in the purple dress?

You like her?

I don't know her.

Well, you smiled at her.

You told me to.

She smiled back.

She was being polite.

Now, how do you know? Maybe she's looking for companionship and tired of

scene. You know who else is smiling at you?

Her.

And I bet she has a speedboat.

From the lady in yellow. She says she's shaking and hopes that you're stirred.

Dad the stud.

I bet she enjoys old movies and clog dancing.

Compliments of tables four, seven, nine, and twelve.

All right, what the hell is going on here?

What? Your total catch?

A rugged fireman.

A real man's man.

Why wouldn't you be hit on by every woman in this restaurant?

Start talking, Peach Buzz.

Okay, we put your picture on a dating website.

I'm on the internet?

We took that picture of you wearing the medal, and we changed it from saying

local hero to lonely hero.

Man, this is so humiliating.

No, it's not.

Uncle Jimmy's in a bathtub.

upstairs to the bar where there are no kids allowed.

You boys go home and get me off the internet.

Well, here's your dad.

So, what do we do with them?

Congratulations, ladies.

You've all made it to the next round. Good night.

Give me a beer.

What's the score?

Celtics are down by two.

Shoot, you idiot!

God!

You told him to shoot it, I heard.

Hey.

Have I seen your picture somewhere?

Internet dating service.

You're that fireman, right? You won the Medal of Valor.

Oh. Yeah, that's me.

Nick Savage.

Hero.

Maggie Harris.

DJ.

Maggie in the morning?

Classic Rock 102.

I listen to you all the time.

Hey, who won the Motley Crue dune buggy?

Station manager.

He also won the Led Zeppelin jet ski.

Well, as long as it was fair.

You've been everywhere.

I think I've been out of Massachusetts twice.

Once because I was lost.

Compared to you, my life is boring.

Oh, you're not boring.

Come on, you've got great stories. You are so funny.

And don't forget, I'm a hero. See?

Yeah, sometimes I wouldn't mind a little boring.

You know, a house, kids, a dog.

When you say some kids, you mean like, oh, I don't know, five?

Uh, two.

Seems like the perfect number.

Well, I gotta be honest with you.

I have kids.

Oh, yeah?

How many?

Two.

Why are we staying up to get yelled at?

Yeah, we should be in bed pretending we're asleep.

Evening, boys.

Sweet. He's loaded.

I'm not drunk.

I'm smitten.

Smitten? He's slurring his words.

I met a woman.

And we didn't need the Internet. We met the old -fashioned way.

In a bar.

All right.

So, are you going to see her again?

Tomorrow night.

And we can count you being gone from seven to... Nine. She has to be up

Now, hold on a sec. We're overlooking one amazing fact.

Dad got a second date.

Yeah, they usually start running when you tell them about us.

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to hit the sack.

You did tell her about us.

Of course I did. I looked her right in the eye and said, I have kids. Good

night.

You told her you have five kids?

More or less.

Which is it? Less.

How many less? Okay, I told her I had two kids.

Two? Oh, come on, you guys. I couldn't throw the number five at her.

I mean, everything was going great, and she said two was the perfect number, so

I went with it.

You know, Dad, it's all right. We get it.

Yeah, I'd probably do the same thing if I was desperate for a woman.

Once I told the cafeteria lady that you died just so I can get some extra mac

and cheese.

Now, you see, I get that.

So the fact that I only mentioned two of you doesn't mean I love the other three

any less. Good night.

Wait.

You mentioned two of us specifically?

Not specifically.

Randomly. Which two?

I think it was Sam and TJ.

Sam and TJ?

You randomly told her about the smart one and the cute one?

Their names were shorter.

I didn't want to drag it out with Chris and Jack

and... Kyle?

Come on, give Dad a break.

It was his first date.

Naturally, he'd want to lead with his best stuff.

His, uh, A material.

The big guns.

No way. He was saving the best for last.

Weren't you, Dad?

Dad?

Oh, sorry. I thought we were done.

Can't you leave Dad alone?

Can't you be happy for him? I mean, he's found a woman. He has two wonderful

kids.

We're all still brothers.

Are we, Dad?

And are you still our father?

Because to tell you the truth, I'm a little confused.

All right, all right.

You made your point.

I'm sorry.

I'll tell her about Ollie tomorrow night.

I already told her about you.

I thought I was the cute one.

Did you tell her?

Jeez.

You guys scared me.

Boys should be asleep.

Answer the question.

For your information, I did tell her. And you know why?

Because you're good kids.

And you're far more important to me than any woman will ever be.

It's Maggie.

Say hi to her. No, give me that.

Yeah, yeah, I had fun, too. I'll call you later. Bye.

No, you hang up first.

I'll hang up first. Bye.

I can explain.

Sick of your lies, mister.

Sick!

Hey, you're the ones wanting me to find a woman. We wanted you out of the house,

but we didn't want to get killed off.

I didn't kill you off. I pretended you never existed.

Oh, come on. Don't you get it?

If I say five, she says bye.

Five, bye.

No, she's going to find out sooner or later. Then I choose later. Later's

working.

Hey, come on. Let me make it up to you. Here's 63 bucks.

We don't want your money.

We want recognition.

Just like Sam and PJ.

You're right.

I have five sons.

If she can't handle it, then that's her problem.

No more lies.

Maggie, I'd like you to meet my sons, Sam and TJ.

I'm so glad to finally meet you guys. Every time I'd bring you up, your dad

would change the subject.

I was beginning to think he didn't have any kids.

Look at him in there, laughing.

I knew Dad would find him out taking Sam and TJ to get flu shots.

Man, I can't wait to hear how Dad lied his way out of this when he gets home.

Why wait till he gets home?

I'm hungry now.

Hungry for revenge?

Yes.

And the cheesecake looks pretty good.

Hey, I brought you guys something.

Rock 102 Rock Walk Pit. Cool.

Actually, that's for TJ.

Oh, right.

Thanks, Maggie. Sure. You know, Maggie's met all kinds of rock stars.

Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen, you too. So, if you guys have any questions.

Have you ever said fart on the radio?

No,

I haven't. But when I do, I will dedicate it to you.

Awesome!

Your kids are cool, Nick.

Oh, yeah. Dad's two for two in the old kids department, eh, TJ?

You got that right only, bro.

You go.

Hello. Put your prime rib down and tell her.

If you don't, we will.

and I fed the Dalmatians.

Okay, bye.

Always on duty, huh?

Oh, Maggie.

You have any brothers and sisters?

Seven. Really?

I hated it.

Oh. Large families are the worst. The house is always a mess. There's never

privacy. Can't use the phone. Someone's always on it. You get in the bathroom,

someone is always in it.

Well, at least you always have someone to talk to when you're waiting in line

Never cold

Truth is I love large families and here's the rest of mine. You're too

late. I told her Five boys,

I have three brothers. I never met Oh

I'm sorry. I lied.

All right I didn't want to scare you off.

Five boys.

Yeah. May I suggest the cheesecake?

It is very tasty.

Five boys.

Excuse me for just a minute. I'm going to go get something for my car.

Can I use your fork until she gets back?

She's not coming back.

I should have just been straight with her.

It's our fault too, Dad.

I should have just let you live out your dream of having two children.

That's not my dream.

My dream is to have five great kids.

Smart, cute, cool, athletic, and Kyle.

Hey, you know what?

You can do way better than her, Dad.

Did you see those teeth?

She could chew through a can.

Yeah.

There's a reason why she's on the radio. Did you see her face?

It looked like they put lipstick on a baboon's butt.

Yeah, and then slammed it in the car door. Over and over.

Okay, Mac.

Until she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

I mean, you came back.

I said I would.

And I brought three more Rock 102 Rock watches. Cool.

Uh, they're for the boys.

Oh.

Scoot over.

feels like sandpaper.

I know.

Sam, would you mind shaving it off for me?

Okay. But it's just going to be back tomorrow.

And thicker.

That's the way beards are.

Thank you, Angela.

Yeah, we were so thick of hearing about an invisible beard.

Okay, but no more teasing him about the doll show.

Deal. Because there's Raggedy Ann Jamboree this weekend, and we're going.

Raggedy Sam!

Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no. We made a deal.

All right. Okay.

Holy crap, look.

So let legitimate dating put the legitimacy into your love life.

It worked for me.

It's transgender!