Original subtitles

Come on, boys, hurry up.

Let's go. We're going to be late for church.

Welcome to Sunday worship with me, Reverend Dave.

Morning, Reverend Dave.

We've got a great sermon for you today. Some fabulous hymns.

and another hilarious visit from Dodo, the atheist puppet.

I don't believe in nothing!

Not now, Dodo.

I'm nuts!

Let us pray.

You're not praying. You don't know what I'm doing.

Does TV church really count?

The rat in TV Guide says it does.

today's sermon.

But first, do you like carnivals?

God does.

Come on down tonight to the All Saints Carnival here in the parking lot of the

Church of the Immaculate Reception.

Can we go, Dad?

Yeah, why not?

Wait, have you all done your homework?

TJ, don't you have a big report to do about Abraham Lincoln?

That's not homework.

That's a long -term project.

When's it due?

Tomorrow. Isn't that 2 ,000 words?

I know, but I'm going to use his middle name every time I mention him.

So that's like 500 words right there.

Lincoln didn't have a middle name.

Well, he's getting one.

Maybe two.

No report, no carnival.

I pick no report.

Get to work.

I'm going to ask Angela if she wants to go.

Angela?

I thought she was still seeing that British guy. The Duke of Wankers?

Not anymore. They broke up at 8 .55 last night.

As luck would have it, I happened to be in a tree outside her bedroom when it

happened.

All right, so who should we bring?

We'll just meet some girls there.

That way, they've already paid their own admission.

It'll be cheaper.

And if we find some that have already eaten...

We won't have to buy them food.

Are you guys really that broke?

I can lend you some cash.

No, we got lots of money.

Just don't want to waste it.

That's very frugal and sleazy.

I'm proud and ashamed.

Amen. Amen.

Hi, Sam.

Hi, Angela.

Hey, I'm going to a carnival tonight, and I was wondering if maybe you and

boyfriend would like to join me.

Joffrey and I aren't going out anymore.

What?

I did not see that coming.

So, uh, how are you holding up?

I'm okay.

Come here.

There, doesn't that smell better?

You mean feel better?

Mm -hmm.

You know, I'm really glad you came over, Sam.

I've missed you.

You have?

Yeah.

My relationship with Joffrey made me appreciate what we have even more,

what we have is really special.

I feel the same way.

You're such a good friend.

A what now?

I know we came close to getting serious, but moments like these that make me

glad we didn't. I never want to spoil this.

Yeah.

That was close.

Almost fell in love there. That would have sucked.

You're disappointed.

What? No, no, no.

Come on. We're in high school.

The chances of us, you know, someday getting married and having two kids

Samantha and Angelo are like a million to one, right?

Angelo? Yeah, well, I'm just saying, you know, if we had gotten together, we

probably eventually would have had an ugly breakup, you know, leaving one of

scarred for life.

More than likely you, because I tend to bounce back quickly from these things.

And I just couldn't do that to you.

So, uh, why don't we go be friends?

Sounds great.

Cool.

It's not a date.

I'll see you tonight.

What are you

doing? I'm putting rocks in my pocket to pull the guess your weight guy.

Will you stop thinking about that carnival and start thinking about your

Now.

You got everything you need?

Dictionary? The computer has a dictionary.

Books on Lincoln?

Internet.

Paper. Oh, I save it to this memory stick and print it at school.

Computers, memory sticks. You know, when I was your age... I know. You and

Lincoln had to do your homework on the back of a shovel.

You're lucky the game is starting.

But remember, I'm only one room away.

So no screwing around.

Because I can pop back in at any moment.

Like that.

How about you, sir? Here to try your luck?

Nah.

See you in hell.

I'm full. I can't eat another bite.

Hello, ladies.

Can we buy you some dinner?

Oh, we just finished eating.

Well, at least let us pay your way in.

already in.

Well, since you're in and we're in, you guys want to go on the tunnel of tongue?

Isn't it called the tunnel of love?

Yeah, love, whatever. Let's go.

Okay, but first, will you buy me a balloon?

Buy you?

Yeah, me too.

Okay, but then we go on the tunnel of love, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Two, please. Oh, no, Pam, you don't have to buy my ticket. We're here as

friends, remember?

Yeah, but it doesn't feel right to make you pay.

Look, Pam, are you sure you're okay with this?

Yeah, absolutely.

Totally cool.

One ticket, please.

For me.

Nobody else.

My friend here is on her own, because I'm not Pam.

You know that fried dough?

It's carnival time!

When suddenly, bang, Abraham Billy Bob

Lincoln was dead.

Short.

Ooh. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

See?

Free at last.

Sorry. Yes.

No!

What did I do?

You stuck your arm in the cotton candy machine.

No way. I brought this from home.

You think you're talking to a moron? Well, you are a carnival security guard.

No.

Look at my balloon.

It's so shiny.

Hey, Taylor, you want to race our balloons?

Yeah. Okay, ready? Go.

No.

I won.

Those cost five bucks.

You can get more. It's okay.

We can't bring on a tunnel of love anyways.

That's right.

And it's right this way. Ladies?

Oh, look.

Candy, apples, and kettle corn.

Who wants to get a snack?

But you just ate. I mean, I saw you.

Not candy, apples, and kettle corn.

I suppose you're hungry, too.

Oh, no way.

It's print.

Only one through the tire wins.

Don't be cheap, Chip. It's for the church.

Just one?

All right.

One pink monkey, please.

That's an eraser.

your arrangement.

And if you win again, you can trade up for a bigger prize.

Really?

Just one more?

Yep.

How

much

cheap crap do I have to win before I get the big monkey?

You really love that monkey, don't you, sweetheart?

More than anything.

Might just get you into heaven, son.

Boy, that giant pretzel looks good.

Oh, it sure is. You should have bought yourself one.

Well, I'm done.

So, what do you want to do next, buddy? Want to win yourself a prize?

Big date.

Oh, no, no, no. It's not a date. Me and Angela are just friends. And I'm totally

cool with it.

We're buds.

I'm going to go get myself a drink. Do you want one, Sam?

Well, that's very friendly of you, but no thanks.

I'm dying here.

What's the problem?

I stupidly agreed to be Angela's friend, but...

Just relax.

If you want Angela hanging all over you, you've got to get her scared.

Make her ride the zipper.

That's disgusting.

Oh.

All you've got to do is get that cage spinning. She'll have nothing to hold on

to but you.

Hey, thanks.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Now loan me 20 bucks. I've got to feed the machine.

playing with the dog when you should be doing your report?

I'm trying to get him to puke. He swallowed my memory stick.

Don't tell me. The dog ate your homework.

I finished the report, put the stick on the table, and he ate it. Like this.

Now you're full?

Dad, I'm not lying. I did the report, so I should be able to go to the carnival.

Okay. You want to go?

Then go.

I'm tired of caring more about your grades than you do.

So do whatever you want.

Flunk out of school.

Get a tattoo.

Marry a stripper.

I give up.

Oh, that's it. We're getting a cat.

Don't worry about it, Angela. These things are run by licensed

Howdy.

Ask to see his license.

How are you gals doing?

Uh, I'm a guy.

Says you.

Have fun.

What'd I do? I just wanted to say I rode the world's smallest horse.

Well, you did.

And you gave him the world's smallest hernia.

Now get lost and stay out of trouble.

Come

on,

boy, that's your fourth bran muffin.

Poke the stick already.

What are you still doing here?

Waiting for the dog to poop so you don't think I'm full of crap.

Wait a minute.

You mean the dog really ate your homework?

Yes.

Why is that so hard to believe?

Because you're always lying.

I know.

I know.

And I don't blame you for not believing me.

That's why I'm not going anywhere unless the dog clears my name.

You know where to get them going?

A chili dog from the carnival.

Let's go get him one.

Really?

See, it pays to be honest.

Hey, just like Honest Abe, huh?

Who?

and you can trade up for that monkey.

But I'm almost broke, and I have no feeling left in my arm.

Are you sure you don't want this Chinese finger trap?

Come on, I just want a monkey.

Monkey! Monkey!

Monkey! Monkey!

Push me.

Are you talking to me, big red button?

Push me, Kyle.

You know you want to.

Well, I listened to that fire alarm at the mall once, and that was pretty

hilarious.

That's my brother Kyle running away.

Oh, God, that's never good.

Oh, I don't like this. I do not like this.

Okay, okay, let's just calm down, okay? Stop talking. You're using up all the

air.

We focus on how pretty it is up here.

Hey, look, you can see the old cemetery.

I'm not helping.

Oh, God.

This is all my fault.

No, it's not. Yes, it is.

I only made you get on this scary ride.

Sharing the giant pretzel!

Sam, what are you saying?

I'm saying I don't want to be your dumb friend.

I want to be your dumb boyfriend.

I want to take you out on a real date where I pick you up and you keep me

waiting and I pay for everything.

And if you happen to hold my hand or give me a kiss, then I go home and I

it over and over again in my head for the rest of the weekend.

That's what I want.

Are you crying because what I said was sweet or because you're afraid we're

going to die?

Sweet.

It's moving.

Because I'm going to kiss you now.

Here you go, girls.

So then me and my girlfriend had some fried dough.

We really liked it. Especially my girlfriend.

My girlfriend? Please shut up about your girlfriend.

Right? You don't have to get mad just because I was the only one who went in

tunnel of love.

Hey, you know, my date took her shirt off. It's only because she threw up on

Still counts.

At least my date didn't run off with the balloon guy.

He made her a balloon monkey.

Man, I would have pounded that guy.

Did you have fun at the carnival?

How'd you get those monkeys?

The carnival was ending. They were just throwing that crap out.

Oh, that reminds me.

My homework should be downloaded by now.

Okay. In about five minutes, the security guards can be knocking at that

Oh, and the world's smallest horse trainer.

But whatever they tell you, it will... Was it me?

Man, I can't wait to tell this to my girlfriend.

Shut up!