Original subtitles

Have you been here with a lot of girls?

Let's not talk about me.

Tonight, it's all about you, Stacy.

Tell me all about you.

Well, I was born in... Hey, that's great. Let's make out.

Hey, Jack, it's me, Dad.

Jack?

What's that?

That's an emergency radio.

Uh, my dad's a fireman.

Jack, pick up. Hello?

Jack, are you there?

Jack? Jack!

What's up, Dad?

I need you to pick up TJ. He got sick over at Mikey's house and he's throwing

all over the place.

Okay, I'll take care of it, Dad.

Mikey's mom said he's like a puking lawn sprinkler.

Oh, sorry.

He even got some on the ceiling.

Okay, I'll take care of it.

Where were we?

What about your brother?

Enough about my brother.

Tonight, he's all about you.

Did you ever scrounge up another date for the night after Allison canceled?

Well, did you?

Zach?

Zach?

Still there?

So, you didn't get any action at all? Not even a kiss on the cheek?

That's action, right?

Nothing. And I spent half the night pretending I liked the environment.

Sorry I got sick last night, Jack.

Mikey dared me to eat bird poop.

If Mikey dared you to put a firecracker in your butt, would you?

I'd have to, or else I'd look like an idiot.

Dad, it's crazy to only have one car in this family.

Gee, I wonder where this is going.

That's right. What if Kyle had gotten sick last night, too?

You'd have to choose which son you love more.

No problem.

Think about it, Dad. You wouldn't have to spend all your free time driving us

around. You might go days without even seeing us.

You sure know my weak spot.

Okay, but you're going to need about a thousand bucks.

No problem.

Can I have a thousand bucks?

No. But if you earn $500, I'll kick in the other $500.

What if he just finds a $500 car?

Then he won't need my $500.

You've got all the answers, don't you, Dad?

I've got all the answers when it comes to $500, yeah.

See ya.

Great.

Where are we going to get that kind of money?

We? It's your car.

Oh, yeah. I forgot how much you guys like taking the bus.

This is a new low even

for us.

Oh, that poor animal.

How much money do you need?

Well, the operation costs $500.

But every hundred helps.

Okay, how much did we get, T?

$318.

You still need $182.

Hey, I know.

Remember when Dad went through that kick of trying to make us better people?

Oh, yeah, the swear jar.

Between our report cards and his kidney stone, he filled that thing up himself.

There's almost $200 in here.

God bless Dad's filthy mouth.

He's here.

Hi, boys.

Give me $500, Dad.

You gotta have kids, Jimmy. It's the greatest.

No, Dad, but I got my half of the money.

How'd you earn all that in one day?

We worked like dogs.

Way to go, Jack.

You see, it always feels better to earn something than to have it given to you.

Absolutely. Give me the check.

First thing tomorrow?

We'll head out to the car lot. Tomorrow?

But I've got money now.

I can't take you today.

I've got T .J.'s soccer match and then Christmas football game.

And don't forget about my spelling decathlon.

Yeah.

I can take him, Nick.

Besides, I am better at handling car salesmen than you are.

No, you're not.

You're just willing to argue for three hours over cup holders.

Did I get him? That's not the point. Did I get him?

All right, you can go with your Uncle Jimmy. Here.

I hate dealing with those crap -clinging salesmen anyway.

When the salesman says no cup holders, that's when we walk away.

Man, you guys suck today.

I mean, I didn't think anybody could suck more than T .J.

But then we go see your game, and, man, did you suck even worse.

I mean, dang, I hate to say this, but you guys sucked.

My, Kyle, the other teams just wanted it more. And they sucked less.

Cheer up, you guys.

You played your hearts out, and that's more important than winning.

Dad, I won the spelling decathlon.

My man.

What was the winning word?

Acetylcholinesterase.

Wow.

Can you use it in a sentence?

My father didn't see me spell acetylcholinesterase.

Can anyone videotape it?

Yeah.

About 60 loving parents.

I'm sorry, Sam. I should have been there. Man, you suck, Dad. Oh, shut up.

Jack's back with his new car.

I call shotgun. No way, I got shotgun.

Oh, will you two grow up?

Shotgun.

Guess what we bought?

The motorcycle.

Jimmy, I can't believe you let him buy a motorcycle.

You know what? You should have seen all the crummy cars they had for a thousand

bucks, Nick.

Yeah, Dad, there weren't even any red ones.

What were you thinking?

We got an amazing deal, Nick. It's got a thick -speed sequential gearbox, 1

,300cc engine, racing forks, and rear mono shock.

And it's red.

Look, I know, I know, I should have checked with you first, but it was a

deal. And, you know, Rachel said there were three other guys interested in it,

so... Who's Rachel?

Our customer care specialist.

Oh, man, Nick. She is so hot.

And honest.

Jimmy, how many bodies have we scraped off the pavement because of motorcycle

accidents? None like Rachel's.

You're not riding a motorcycle. Any of you. You know, Dad, I read somewhere

if you get into an accident, you have a 98 % better chance of surviving if

you're in a motorcycle.

You just made that up, didn't you?

Yes, sir.

Actual number hovers just above zero.

Think about it, Dad. If Jack's in an accident, there's no seatbelt.

he's safely thrown clear.

And if the truck's headed for me, I'll just lay it down and glide on under.

Come on, Nick. Will you lighten up?

When we were kids, we'd shoot BB guns at each other. Light ourselves on fire. We

rode a cardboard box off a waterfall.

Yeah, but we knew what we were doing.

We could really get hurt.

In fact, I've got something that'll show you all just how dangerous motorcycles

really are.

Another one of your safety videos?

Why can't you be like other fathers and collect porn?

The Massachusetts Safety Board, in conjunction with the New England Safety

Council, with a generous grant from Parents Against Funds, presents

Easy Riders.

Or should I say, Easy Dyers.

Hi, I'm Officer Steve Cox.

There's no doubt that motorcycles kick ass.

But they can also kick your ass. Right, baby?

Quiet.

There's a lot of names for motorcycles.

Chopper, hog, crotch rocket.

But in the wrong hands, they can become a death machine.

The footage you're about to see is bloody, gruesome, and may just make you

up in your own mouth.

That's a real party crasher.

Now that's what I call a disarming experience.

Quickly, can you find a head?

Done blowing chunks?

I'll wait.

Okay.

So the next time you hop on a motorcycle, you think safety first.

Cox here.

What's that, Chief?

Another senseless motorcycle fatality?

Damn.

Will they ever learn, Misty?

Will they ever learn?

I don't know.

It was a rhetorical question, baby.

Well?

Those crashes were awesome!

My favorite was when the head was still screaming after it came off the guy's

body.

I liked Misty's hot pants.

Is that all you morons learned from that?

Thought Officer Cox could use some acting lessons.

Did the phrase death machine mean nothing to you?

Did you think Easy Dyers was just a brilliant play on words?

Oh, I get it now. That is pretty good.

I'm not a little kid anymore, Dad.

I'm almost 18.

I mean, you can't protect me forever.

You're right, Jack.

You are almost 18.

So you can ride the bike.

Yeah!

When you're 18.

What?

You paused on purpose.

So I can't ride my motorcycle for three months.

That's right.

Hey, we got fire next. Let's go.

I'm trusting you won't be stupid enough to ride that bike when I'm gone, Jack.

I won't.

Good.

Give me the keys.

Fine. Take them.

I didn't want to ride my gym locker anyway.

Let's ride!

Fine, kill yourselves. More bedrooms for me.

Yeah, I hear you, Sam. You wouldn't want Angela seeing you on a motorcycle.

Might get her all hot.

To the crotch rockets!

Okay, hold on.

I, uh...

Thanks, Doc. I appreciate the heads up.

Yay!

Ready to go.

Who's that on the CV?

The emergency room.

Apparently Sam sprained his arm falling off the bike that you bought Jack.

Well, you know, it is such a beautiful day. I think I'll walk.

This is exactly what I was afraid would happen.

Well, not really.

You were afraid that Jack would get hurt.

Maybe you should walk home.

Really?

Something, Sam?

Can we get you something to drink?

Maybe a soda?

It's the last one!

Yay!

It's okay.

I appreciate your guys' concern.

Good. So you won't tell Dad?

That's why you guys are being nice to me, so that Dad won't find out?

You could think of a better reason. I'd like to hear it.

He's gonna notice I have a serious injury.

It's not serious.

You didn't even get a cast.

Yeah, you just got a girly sling.

It's not girly.

It's unisex.

like a bra for your arm.

Sam! Sam, you can't tell Dad that you got hurt.

Otherwise, you'll put us all in a sling.

Okay, okay, but Officer Cox was right. That crotch rocket is a death machine.

Okay, let's get rid of this.

Ah!

The doctor said I have to keep my arm elevated.

Hi, boys. Hey, Dad.

Did you have fun at your fire, Dad?

Oh, yeah.

It was a shame we had to put it out.

How was your afternoon?

Well, pretty safe.

What did I tell you boys about playing hockey in the house?

Oh, sorry.

Here, let me get that for you.

What's up, bro?

Sam, I want you to know how bad I feel about missing your spelling thing.

Let's do something.

Just you and me.

Like what?

movie, catch a ball game?

Oh, wait, I know.

Let's arm wrestle.

Arm wrestle?

Do something.

Dad, I'm gay.

That's all right, son. I love you just the same.

You ready, Sam?

One.

Two.

Are you jerks really going to let him do this with a sprained arm?

I told you he'd find out. He always finds out.

Hey, did you find out that he cried? Because he did.

Dad, I'm really sorry. It won't happen again.

I know.

Because I already put the bike up for sale.

What? You can't do that. It's my bike. I paid for it. You paid for half of it.

Unfortunately, it was the half that Sam fell off.

And as his father, I'm suing you for the other half. And the verdict just came

in, and I won.

This country's judicial system is a joke.

Yeah, well, you can't sell it if you can't find it.

Yeah, well, you can't hide it if I chained it to the porch.

We never should have got Dad changed for his birthday.

We almost had some good times, didn't we?

We can't let Dad steal Jack's bike.

I know.

Everybody, get on.

Dad wants to get rid of it.

He's going to have to get rid of us.

Sure, like that'll stop him.

Come on, Stan. We've got to stick together.

Thanks, guys.

Slide up, Kyle.

No dozing off.

Officer Cox is talking.

Officer Steve Cox here with another motorcycle safety tip.

Your passenger doesn't hold on tight.

They could end up with a bad case of dead.

Just ask Misty here.

Bye, baby.

Ready to ride, baby?

Okay. Quiet.

Dad, do we have to keep watching safety videos?

Either that or you could help your brother and Uncle Jimmy fix the porch.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, here's one on firecracker safety called Where Are Billy's Fingers?