Original subtitles

Little old lady got me late, late last night.

Must be the werewolves of London again.

Ah -woo!

Werewolves of London.

Ah -woo!

Ah -woo!

Good job, boy. Go lick yourself.

You were.

Didn't see that either.

You must really be out of suspects.

Hey, Sam, there's a rumor going around school you're going to ask Brenda

Rosinski to dance.

Who's spreading that?

Brenda Rosinski.

Hey, who's Brenda, lady killer?

Remember that girl that beat me in the pie -eating contest?

Ooh.

Hey.

She happens to be a very nice girl, and she's really smart.

Yeah, you know she can order pies.

Do you have any languages?

Okay, so she's not a supermodel, but we have a lot in common. And unlike you

guys, I care more about what's on the inside than the outside.

You got your priorities straight, Sam, and I'm proud of you.

And if you like her, we like her. Right, boys?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I don't like her.

But you just said.

I lied. She's not nice. She's not smart either. She's a mean, stupid girl.

And if this one says no, I swear I'm going gay.

Whoa, whoa.

Nobody's going gay.

I didn't go gay after your mother left.

And it wasn't for a lack of offers.

Ask Angela from across the street.

Yeah, you love her.

No, I don't.

You're always staring out the window at her. No, I'm not.

You put more drool on that window than the dog.

You want to be Mr.

Angela Savage.

Hey, you guys.

Come look what Rose is doing with our laundry.

Why would I take her first name? I don't know. Shut up.

and you take the bedridden fat guy.

Hey, what's this here, huh?

You were supposed to have been home an hour ago.

Where have you been?

Your uncle and I just carried an entire family from a burning house.

Sure, help their kids while we're at home starving.

So make a sandwich.

Ourselves?

Just call and order a pizza.

We did. Your credit card was declined.

Jimmy, can I borrow 20 bucks?

You kidding me? With your credit?

All right, here you go.

Thanks, Uncle Jimmy.

I'll be home in a couple hours. Save me a slice.

Make a sandwich.

I'm holding an ax here.

Little creep.

So, lost another housekeeper, huh?

Yeah. What does that make, 22?

Seems like a lot, but you break it down over the whole 10 years, it's only 2 .3

a year.

Has your wife been gone ten years?

Boy, seems like only yesterday she put that ground glass in your meatloaf.

Yeah, she was crazy, but one hell of a cook.

Hey, Sam.

Angela's across the street.

Oh, really? Because I was just checking out these blinds here.

She waved. What do I do?

Could you move the blinds now?

Askren, she shoots me down, thinks we'd never be the same between us.

You mean with you leering at her through the blinds? Yeah, it'd be a shame to

lose that.

Besides, I want to work out first, maybe grow my hair a little longer.

I should be ready by Christmas, Dan.

Valentine's Day, absolute latest.

You don't need to change, Sam. You're a good guy.

Honest, decent, dependable.

Unfortunately, those are all qualities most teenage girls don't give a damn

about.

But women do.

So I should be going after Angela's mom?

No, I mean, most women don't usually appreciate good guys until they're tired

bad boys.

When you're 40.

40?

I don't want to wait until I'm 40. When I'm 40, I'll be all... In

that case, you should get your butt across the street.

You gotta be willing to risk a no if you ever want to hear a yes.

Go get her.

Wish me luck.

That's my boy.

You're a stud.

I

thought

you were in the kitchen.

Yeah.

Chicken.

make some woman a great second husband.

Told you about the housekeeper?

Nope. You better hurry because TJ spilled some grape juice on our bedroom

carpet. You just left it there?

No, we put the nightstand over it.

That nightstand was covering the hole you two morons cut on the floor when you

were looking for a portal to hell.

I'd have pushed you through it years ago.

Pass the butter.

Listen, Dad, before you go and hire somebody, we have some thoughts.

Like, instead of going with another old Spanish lady, we were thinking young and

French.

Young and French.

And hot.

Oh, yeah.

Tomorrow I'll go down to the hot young French girl employment agency and find a

sexy girl who wants to scrub our toilets.

But make sure she's real hot.

Let me ask you guys something.

One day you're going to go off to college.

Or somewhere.

Who's going to cook your meals, wash your clothes, clean your place?

Well, my girlfriend will cook and clean for me.

Okay, but what if she catches you with another girl and dumps you?

Then the girl I cheated with will cook and clean.

I got news for you guys.

Women don't like to cook and clean for men the way they used to.

Somewhere along the way, they lost the joy.

What are you saying, Dad? I think I made a mistake not teaching you how to do

things for yourself.

So from now on, the savages are self -sufficient. I'm not hiring another

housekeeper. What?

to get your mother back here?

All right,

if we each take a room, it'll get done quicker. So, Jack, you take the living

room. You two come with me. Yeah, I'm not cleaning anything.

And I don't think you should either.

You're crazy, Dad. It'll kill us. Now, if we clean this place, he'll know we

do it.

He'll never hire anyone again.

Won't stop there.

He'll love it.

aprons for Christmas? There is no Christmas for dead kids.

Yeah, I'd rather be dead than responsible.

That makes sense to me.

Do you see how stupid your argument is, Jack? Chris agrees with you.

Come on, let's get started.

Aprons for Christmas.

I got one for you.

Aprons for Christmas.

It's a slave labor blues.

want an apron for Christmas. Me either. I want a dirt bike.

You guys are crazy. Dad's going to aprons for Christmas.

One size fits all.

No football, no baseball.

mildew, grime. What am I, a scientist?

And we were afraid to make dinner because we smelled gas coming from the

It's electric.

Do you guys think I'm going to cave and hire a housekeeper? Just admit it. No,

Dad, we tried real hard. You just have to accept the fact that we'll never be

professional housecleaners.

Yeah, and isn't it more important that we're good people?

Admit it.

Admit what, Dad?

That bitch, you're going in the pit.

I was polishing the furniture with that lemon stuff. Honest, smell my hands. I

was.

Then Jack said, you're going to turn us into women. And he started singing that

song, Aprons for Christmas. And everybody joined in. It was really

And we all deserve to be punished.

Especially Jack.

Thank you, Chris.

I appreciate your honesty.

First of all, I'm not trying to turn you into women.

And second, I'm not punishing anyone.

You guys don't want to learn how to do things for yourselves?

Fine.

Live like helpless pigs.

And third, I never want to smell your

hands again.

Only thing I smell is the sweet aroma of a new housekeeper.

Hey, Kyle, do you have any clean underwear I can borrow?

No, I lost some of mine in the fire.

Just turn them inside out. That way each pair lasts four days.

You mean two days. Your underwear only has two sides.

No, four.

One, two...

cups. You can look all you want.

Even maggots need exercise.

Eventually. I know where you parked.

Angela's gone.

So ready to make my move.

No kids.

She sure goes through a lot of diapers.

He's here!

I got you!

Hey, Dad.

Unbelievable.

This is the stupidest plan you've ever come up with.

What are you talking about?

This isn't even our trash.

Which one of you is using the denture grip?

Uh, that'd be me.

It helps me get a better grip on the football.

Uh -huh.

How about the Vagisil?

You're taking this one.

Well, you see... Shut up!

All right, I get it. You guys are far... bigger pigs than I ever gave you credit

for. Thank you.

And obviously we can't go on living like this, so... Oh, Sam, I forgot to tell

you. I ran into Angela outside. She looked kind of bored, so I invited her

for pizza and a movie.

Angela?

My Angela?

He's bluffing.

It's Angela.

Uh,

give me just a sec. The place is a little messy.

Start cleaning now!

Nobody move!

Sam, Dad's using you to get his way. He's trying to drive a wedge between us.

Can't you see? I don't care. It's Angela.

Angela! Sam, don't quit now. We're winning.

for today?

It's a start.

That was a pretty cool thing you did for Sam, though.

Yeah, well, the important thing is I got what I wanted.

So, do your dad and brothers go to the library every Saturday night?

Oh, yeah. You just try and keep them away.

to ask me to the dance?

Mm -hmm.

Sorry, I have to babysit that night.

I understand.

You want to babysit with me?