Original subtitles

Guys, I hope you're ready for some big breakfast news

because the scab on my knee finally came off, and I realized

it was actually a tiny piece of beef jerky.

What an absolutely perfect thing to hear when I am eating bacon.

And does anyone else have something they'd like to share?

Some big news? Maybe Ham?

Dad!

Come on, son, you should be proud.

Okay, well, it's no big deal,

but you know that cake competition

Stodgy Roger's Crumb Off?

Can confidently say

- I do not. - Really?

It's always on those online lists of

top ten cake competitions

in the subarctic zone.

And I got in.

Bake a leg, Ham.

Make sure you bring the part they don't eat home.

And it's this weekend in New Fork.

- Hold up, New Fork?! - What's New Fork?

Honeybee, it's a nearby town they converted

to look like a little Parisian city.

They have a replica of the Eiffel Tower that's

a replica of the replica of the Eiffel Tower in Vegas.

I'd love to go see it and,

see some of Ham's Baking Bonanza thing.

A trip to New Fork really sparks my interest.

- So you guys want to come? - Of course they do.

Tell 'em what you're making, son.

Well, this year's competition theme

is Alaskan Landmarks, so I'll be making

Horn E. Stewart's Honkytonk.

You know, the dive bar near Fairbanks?

This is actually perfect timing.

I've been looking for a splashy

subject for the documentary I need

to make for my Mixed Media class.

I'll call it My Octopus Baker.

Ham, quick question, would you be willing to

dress as an octopus, fall in love with me, and then die?

Um, no? But I'd still love for you to come.

And, um, just to warn you guys,

while this is Alaska's premier

baking showcase, it will be a long day

and you don't get to eat any cake till the end.

So if you don't want to come, hey,

you know, it's no big deal.

Great.

Aunt Dirt, we've asked you

so many times to please stop

sneaking up on us at breakfast.

And I've told you so many times that it's who I am.

Sorry.

I ate a chipmunk on my way over.

There are no chipmunks in Alaska.

Well, I ate something, and it squeaked the whole way down.

She's right over here,

but I got to warn you, she's a little rough.

That's all right. We just need a vehicle

big enough for Ham's cake.

The cakes for this competition are huge showstoppers.

I mean, the show won't stop, but it will be tempted.

Here she is. I call her Sloppy Susan.

She was a Hollywood Star Tour that spotted John Lithgow.

Followed his car all the way to Alaska.

Sloppy Susan here has got a lot of problems,

but don't we all?

Bathroom doesn't work, her brakes are shot,

you'll have to jump her to get her started,

and then I wouldn't stop until you get there.

What do you think, Ham?

As Julia Child famously said,

"I love this bus."

Thank you all for coming

to our New Fork transportation safety meeting.

Ooh, exciting. This is like in Ocean's Eleven when

they lay out the heist plan.

I'll be driving, and since

the cake won't fit on the first floor,

Wolf, Honeybee, Moon and Aunt Dirt,

you'll be upstairs with Ham bracing the cake.

Wasn't listening, don't care, but sounds good.

Now, the road to New Fork is fairly smooth,

but winter may have produced new potholes

and obstacles, so we should keep an eye out for those,

and this bus can slow but should not stop.

So here's the plan. Here's our bus.

We're gonna start it up and... drive to New Fork carefully.

Great visuals. Feels like I'm there.

So it's actually more like the movie Speed,

only without speed, and Sandra Bullock is

- a big honkin' cake. - Yes.

And we'll leave at noon sharp, allowing a generous four hours

to make the two-hour drive to New Fork.

- Sound good, Ham? - Guys, don't worry about it.

Noon is fine. Or noon-ish. No big deal.

We could get there even faster if we took the shortcut down

Dead Man's Violent Death Road.

As the name implies, that road tends to really

ice over and is quite curvy.

I don't want to take any chances with Ham's creation.

Better safe than sorry.

Ooh, Dad, can you, say that line again,

but just this time right into camera?

Like, right down the barrel.

Feels like a fun trailer moment.

Well, you know cameras give me crazy anxiety,

and I often fart, but I'll give it a shot.

Better safe than sorry.

Beef.

If you want to go again,

I will need to change my pants.

Ham, how you doing?

In over your head and all

- out of answers? - What?

No! I'm really excited.

My whole family is finally coming to support me

at one of my competitions and see me in action?

This must be how the Olsen twins felt from ages

zero to 18, and then never again.

Okay, okay, but don't you feel extremely

anxious about transporting a six-foot cake

across Alaska's barren wasteland?

I mean, isn't that affecting you?

I mean, I trust Dad to drive safely.

And we're gonna have four people guarding it at all times.

And where are all those people?

Weren't you supposed to leave an hour ago?

Is your family always this late?

Well, I'm sure they'll be here any minute. No big deal.

Listen, I love your whole beleaguered son vibe,

but could you please Vanderpump it up a little bit?

Would it kill you to call a family member the meanest word

you can think of? This is my grade on the line, Ham.

Hey, ogre here!

Two Shreks on deck, and we're ready to roll.

Hi, guys.

- why are you dressed that way? - Well...

I was Bing-ing New Fork attractions,

and I found a Shrek appreciation society there.

As luck would have it, they're hosting a Group Shrek

event today, so we thought we'd pop over during that boring part

of the competition you mentioned and then come right back.

Sure.

Okay. No big deal.

Honeybee, push me.

Good morning, family.

Dad, why do you look so tired?

I'm fine. I was just up all night doing a...

- very important thing. - Really, Dad? 'Cause...

I set up my camera to get some B-roll shots overnight,

and I have you on film bingeing a TV show at 3:00 a.m.

My.

Okay, yes, I did get drawn into a reality show.

The night before the biggest competition of my life?

Okay, well, no big deal, I guess.

Don't worry, Ham, I slept for 14 minutes and had

eight cups of coffee, so now I am ready to die.

- I think you mean "drive." - That's the one.

Top o' the morning, nimrods.

- Shotgun! - Aunt Dirt,

what's in the gigantic mysterious bag?

Some baby carrots. Mind your own business. Let's ride.

Wolf, Honeybee,

come on top to brace.

Sorry, Ham, it seems that we cannot

get up the stairs in our suits.

So we'll just stay here and

help by... being Shreks.

Do you want to hear me say "Get out of my swamp"?

- Sure. - Get outta my swamp.

Okay, yeah, thanks. That was helpful.

All right, Dad, I guess we're ready.

I'm slipping! I'm slipping!

Don't let it hit the walls.

What happened?!

Looks like your dad fell asleep at the wheel!

That's, that's okay.

But things were not okay.

Well, luckily the engine is still running, so there's that.

Dad, I don't want to sleep-shame you,

but you're clearly too tired to drive.

Someone else needs to take the wheel.

Wolf and I have no peripheral vision right now,

and each of these hands weighs 35 pounds.

I'm more of an Adam Driver than

a bus driver right now.

I'm a person of film. You know what I mean?

I'll do it. My license expired in 1965,

but if we get pulled over, I'll just show 'em my gams,

and when they look down, I'll start shooting.

Okay, Dirt's out, so that leaves me.

I'm gonna drive myself to my own competition.

Dad does appear to be once again asleep in that snowbank there.

So let's get him up.

So, Ham, how's it going

After that big crash caused by your own father?

And, you know, don't be afraid to use metaphor.

I mean, make it your own, but let's say if you feel like

a butterfly in a cocoon or a well that's run dry or...

I'm fine. I'm just grateful

-that everyone's now on the bus and we're on our way.

Whoa. What the...

You know Dad sleep-screams when he's overtired.

Remember how Mom used to make him sleep

with a rolled-up sock in his mouth?

This doc could use a little more juicy drama.

I'm sorta looking for, like, in The Jinx,

when that guy burped his way to prison.

You got anything like that?

I could do a regular non-prison burp.

You know what? As a documentarian, I need to let

my camera tell me where the story is,

and you know what she's telling me?

It's time to go to the bathroom

and start the confessionals.

Moon's watching the cake by himself upstairs,

and we got a smooth patch of road,

so you're getting five minutes and not a second more.

- - Aah! - Charles Chaplin's taint!

- What the hell? - Ha, yeah. I forgot to tell you

there's definitely something living in there.

- I'll get my gun. - No, that's okay.

I just put a little bit of Nerds Rope down there,

and whatever it is has settled down.

Now let's talk. What's in the bag?

Okay, Fancy Drew, I'll tell you.

What's in the bag has to do with the real

reason I'm hitching a ride to New Fork: revenge.

Now, this is what I've been looking for.

Weave me a cross-stitch with your memories.

It all started a few years

before I went into the bunker. It was 1962.

I was walking around the woods one day

when something caught my eye.

It was a basketball, but not just any basketball.

A pristine, straight-out-of-the-box,

clean as hell basketball.

I was headed to a Hula-Hoop party that night,

and I couldn't wait to dazzle the dames with my unusual find.

But a little later, I stopped by the post office

to buy a thousand stamps for a penny and mail a pistol

to my niece for her christening, when I saw my friend Hilda.

I told her about the ball.

Then, that night at the party I see Hilda holding a pristine,

straight-out-of-the-box basketball.

Claimed she found it sitting in the woods, just like me.

When she clearly just bought a new one!

I've never forgotten what she did to me.

Never. That's why I brought these.

Moon helped me use the pornography typewriter...

- The computer. - May I finish?

And we found out that Hilda lives in New Fork.

So I'll go up to her place, ring the doorbell.

When she opens up, I'll throw all these basketballs

at her lying face.

- Whoa. - She deserves it.

My story isn't the only thing she stole.

I cut my hair short, she cut her hair short.

I got horn-rimmed glasses, she got horn-rimmed glasses.

I get polio, she gets polio.

Well, it is highly contagious.

- Don't defend her. - Sorry, sorry.

And don't worry, only one of the basketballs

I'm gonna hurl at her is full of milk.

Basketball Full of Milk.

That's a great title for this documentary.

So give me a signal when you're going, and I'll tag along.

Perfect. You can distract the fuzz.

Say something like, "This is all my fault. I did it."

Okay, we're halfway there.

And if my math is correct,

we only have one more half to go. Aah!

Hey, bud, didn't mean to scare you.

Here's the thing.

I kinda need to use the little Shrek's room,

and Judy alerted me that there's some creatures in the can.

Well, we can't really stop because we might stall

and not be able to start again. Any chance you could hold it?

Already got a little bit of a personal swamp situation

going on, if you follow.

What I mean is, I did pee a bit already.

Look, maybe you just go really slow, I hop out,

and hop back on before you know it.

I guess that might work.

Keep her slow, Ham.

See you in two shakes of my front tail.

Pulling my pants down. Just keeping you guys posted.

Okay, little update, I can't get 'em off with these hands!

- Can't he just take the hands off? - No.

We used a special glue.

We'd need acetone to remove them.

I'll go help.

Aah!

Turn me over! Turn me over!

Here I go, too!

- Ooh, this is great stuff. - Is it?

Seriously?

- Did Wolf whiz yet? - Nope.

It's a disaster.

I'll go help the Gumbys.

Great. Now almost everyone is off the bus.

Perfect.

These suckers are on tight.

Yup, you might have to cut me out of 'em.

Can someone help me up? No? I guess I'll just rest.

Pants, I command you to release my nephew's penis!

No. I'm caught.

I'll hop out and help.

Moon, no. No one's watching the cake.

- Judy, you take the wheel! - Can you say that again?

And any chance you could cheat to camera, please.

- Judy, the wheel! - Fine.

I got the pants off!

Why is your penis green, too?

That? It's actually just a funny coincidence.

Bring the bus around!

That's black ice.

- Somebody help me up. - I got you. - I'm peeing!

So, where are we at in your mind's journey, Ham?

- Are you angry at everyone? - No.

I mean, we lost 30 minutes doing one pee stop

because my adult brother couldn't

get his ogre suit off, but no big deal.

So, are you saying there's a ticking clock?

Because that would actually help my film a lot.

Executives always ask for that.

Like, what would happen if we were late?

Let's go into that.

There's a ten-minute registration grace period,

but once those cake doors close, that's it.

We could always take the shortcut.

Why are you down here again?!

Relax. Aunt Dirt's got the cake.

Moon, we are not taking Dead Man's Violent Death Road.

Suit yourself, but it would cut our trip by 20 minutes.

I'm sure you can handle the road.

Mom drove me down it in a blackout once

to the fireworks store 'cause she was hooking up

with the owner Kevin Boom Boom Senior.

And we were totally fine. But like I said, suit yourself.

Okay, fine.

Did I only want to come on this trip

in the hopes that I would somehow get to go

to Kevin Boom Boom's Fairytale Discount Grenades & Fireworks?

Yes. And did I suggest the shortcut

because it goes right past Kevin Boom Boom's

Fairytale Discount Grenades & Fireworks? Also yes.

And am I planning on waiting for the right moment

to grab a tree branch, jump off the bus,

run into Kevin's, buy as many grenades as I can,

then hitchhike to New Fork? You tell me.

Wait, so is Dead Man's Violent Death Road an actual shortcut?

If we survive it? Probably.

Okay. We're taking the shortcut!

Boom!

You won't regret this, Ham.

But Ham would come to regret it.

What?

Please don't interact with the narrator, okay?

Well, I guess this road isn't that bad.

Glad you're happy,

but as a filmmaker this is very disappointing.

Okay, not even Dad's sleep screams

are spicing up this snooze.

Good thing I've got a secret ogre drama

that I've been cooking up in my cauldron.

Okay, first of all, let me just say, ignore

the screeches of the animals under your buttocks.

They'll quiet down now that they have more Nerds Rope.

- Terrific. - So, tell me about the Group Shrek.

A Group Shrek is basically just a wholesome

hang for Shrek-heads to Shrek out together.

Group Shrek is definitely an orgy.

I can't believe they don't know.

I would tell them, but a good filmmaker

never gets involved with their subjects.

We all dress up, talk about

our favorite lines from the movies...

Wolf said the website mentioned something called

- a swamp romp, donkey rides... - Orgy.

There's mention of Lord Farquaad throughout,

but they keep spelling it wrong and using it as a verb.

Big, big orgy.

So, Dad, your oldest son is going to an orgy

and your youngest son is buying grenades.

How do you plead?

Well, I've pushed multiple women

down the stairs, and I blamed it on owls.

Perfect.

Calm down, guys.

I'll get you more Nerds Rope. Sheesh!

Where am I?

The bathroom. Good.

Aah! Muskrats!

What's happening?! Why is everyone screaming?!

That's the critter I ate the other day.

Hello again.

One's in my costume! One's in my costume!

- Don't let them near the cake! - I'll go after 'em!

Moon!

- Ham, stop the bus right now. - What? Why?

I'm gonna be late! Where are the muskrats?

Two are in my hands, and one is in your brother's Shrek suit.

I can eat one if need be.

Ham, seriously, stop.

Moon jumped off the bus!

I'm trying to slow it down.

Doesn't feel like we're slowing down!

I just said I'm trying!

I'm pressing all the way down on the brakes!

God. Turn! Turn!

Bad news about that, too.

Everybody, get behind us.

Use us as airbags!

- Hold on! - Brake, brake, brake, brake, brake, brake!

- My cake! - Everyone okay?

- I'm good. - Okay over here. - At least nothing exploded.

No.

Well, that was a beautiful display of fireworks,

but the wheels on this bus have gone round and round

for the last time.

Craps in the cradle, this blows.

We'll never make it to the Group Shrek now.

Well, so much for my big twist ending.

And all my basketballs exploded.

There's milk everywhere except Hilda's stupid,

story-stealing face.

Dad, they said I need your permission to buy

the City Eliminator firework.

If I leave here without it, what was the point

- of even coming here? - Me!

The whole point of this trip was me and my cake

and my competition!

And you guys never come to my competitions.

Hell, you never even ask me about my competitions.

So I thought, "Wow, finally

"everyone is coming to see me, Ham Tobin,

maker of cakes."

But you all just used me

to get a free ride to New Fork.

And now there isn't even a ride because our bus is ruined.

And worse, my cake is ruined!

You are all selfish, and I am honestly

embarrassed to be a Tobin.

I'm changing my last name to Tooobbbbbeeeeegatonerrothonzizi.

Yeah! Well, actually not that, but I'm

gonna go brainstorm what I'm changing it to!

Hot damn. We broke Ham.

How's the brainstorming on your new last name going?

Not great.

I thought of Ham Seinfeld, and now

I can't think of anything else.

I'm sorry for the way everyone

has been acting today.

It's okay. No big deal.

Ham, you have to stop saying that.

You say it a lot, but some things are a big deal,

and it's okay to acknowledge that.

And I don't want to make excuses for the rest of the family,

but I think they kinda believed you when you kept

saying the competition was no big deal.

I just... I have a hard time making a big thing about myself.

Well, why? Why can't you be a big deal?

I don't want to burden anyone.

But I guess I also secretly hope everyone

will still be there to support me no matter what.

And then no one was.

Yeah. I mean, even you.

You stayed up so late watching some dumb TV show

that you were too tired to drive me today.

Ham, you're right, I shouldn't have stayed up.

- It's okay. - It's not okay.

- No, it's... - Ham.

Fine! Father, it's not okay!

Good. But believe it or not, I was actually trying to help.

Truth is, the show I was so caught up in

was Cynthia, Fix My Cake!

Man, I worship Cynthia.

I love how she shows up at people's houses

in a hot-air balloon.

Absolutely. Magic.

Thing is, I'm prepared for so many

things in life, but I knew that

if something went wrong with your cake today,

I wouldn't know how to help you.

I didn't want you to think I didn't have faith in you,

but you know me. I have a backup plan for a backup plan.

So I figured I'd study the show.

And to be honest, I learned nothing.

I just couldn't look away, son, because, well...

Cynthia has very, very ginormous gazongas.

I'm not into women and even I get mesmerized when

she whisks and they whisk with her.

They do join her in the dance, don't they?

Even Cynthia couldn't fix this problem.

I brought a lot of extra frosting for damages like

always, but I didn't expect to need whole new cake layers.

We don't have more cake, but we do have dirt.

I'm sorry, Dad, but I'm not serving Aunt Dirt to the judges.

We both know she'd just shoot them.

No, dirt as in soil.

It kind of looks like

chocolate cake, doesn't it?

What if we fixed your exploded layers with packed soil?

Yeah, the judges almost never

try a piece from the front of the cake.

If I present the soil part as if

I want them to try it...

They'll take a different slice.

Wait, we still don't have a way to get to New Fork.

Don't worry, Son-derella.

I believe your fairy god-siblings

have that all figured out.

What's, what's happening?

We realized how unsupportive we've been,

so we pooled our resources to buy this carriage.

And now we can pull you and your masterpiece to New Fork!

I traded in my camera.

I used my fireworks money.

I didn't give up crap.

And we gave up our Shrek hands and the Fiona boobs.

Ham, you can sit in the carriage and remake

- your cake while we pull you to New Fork. - Okay.

Let's get to my competition. Which is, in fact, a big deal.

- That's the spirit, son. - Hyah!

I am honored to be a part of this competition,

Your Highness Judge.

Might I suggest tasting a slice of the gift shop?

You can suggest it, but I make my own decisions.

Are you nervous, Ham?

Waiting for the winner to be announced

would have been great on camera, but I'll just record it

on my eyeballs for my brain film.

The winner of this year's Stodgy Roger's Crumb Off is...

Ham Tobin.

- That's my boy! - Yeah, Ham!

I sure wish Stodgy Roger was alive to see this moment.

I am. I'm right here.

- It really is good, Ham. - I got a little pebble

in mine, but I've eaten rocks before.

Hilda got my voice mail.

The bastard.

Hold my cake.

Aunt Dirt, no!

How long are we gonna give 'em?

Five minutes. Ten?

Start the carriage! Group Shrek wasn't what

- we thought it was. - Go, go, go.

They nasty. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Hey, you forgot your orgy gift bag.

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