Original subtitles

Thanks for stopping by Cheesecake's with me.

I just want to check on him.

He hasn't texted me back in a few weeks

- and I'm a little worried. - Of course.

But remember, I am not staying for drinks.

I'm still a little annoyed about him

eating my passport the last time we all partied.

Ha! That was hilarious.

Even better than the time he ate my passport.

- What a specific craving. - I will never understand

how much you love Cheesecake, babe.

But a friend of yours is a friend of mine.

Cheesecake is just pure fun.

He's like, you know, if a piñata was a living man.

How'd you find me, Officer?

I can explain everything.

Get in here.

Hey, pal, what's going on? I texted you a bunch of YouTubes

of news anchors farting on air, and not a single LOL.

I guess I forgot to pay my dang bill.

Lost my wallet.

Set it down in a wallet store, and,

well, you can see what happened there.

Let me get you two a cocktail.

You guys got to try this hangover cure I invented.

You drink gin out of a bowl, and that tricks the body

into thinking it's getting soup, which is healthy.

None for me. My new passport just came in the mail,

- so I need my wits about me. - Suit yourself.

Looks like you have some past-due bills here,

- bud? - Yeah.

You know how these companies like to play hardball.

You can't give in to their demands.

- Aah! - What the... Cheesecake!

- Aah! - Is it possible

that your RV is being repossessed?

This is a bluff. They're bluffing.

I'm sorry, Cheesecake, but you haven't made a payment

on the RV in seven months.

Okay, true, but a heads-up would've been nice.

I told you a dozen times to your face

that I was gonna have to tow this thing away.

I thought we were doing a bit.

I don't understand. Aren't you loaded?

What happened to that 350,000 bucks

from the settlement when that snowplow hit you?

Yeah, you said you'd never have to work again.

It seems I misunderstood.

The settlement I received was actually 35 grand,

which I thought was just a cute way of saying $350,000.

So it turns out I've spent all my money except $11.

Well, don't worry, you can stay with us for a few days and...

Wolf, is there someone you'd like to check with

- before making that offer? - Dad'll totally be cool with it.

- I meant me! - Guys, I'll be fine.

I can just stay at that beachfront drainpipe.

It hasn't rained that much recently, so I'm good.

- Honeybee. - Fine.

I guess you can stay with us.

But just until you figure something out.

Great. Let me just grab my gin bowl and...

And you will drink your gin out of a glass,

mixed with tonic and lime, just like everyone else.

Dorothy.

Hear ye, hear ye. The clothing swap is now in session.

- Beef, you go. - Okay.

I brought a 10 x 14 waxed canvas tarp

that can become a poncho during a sudden downpour.

Ooh, gimme. I'd love to embarrass my daughter

by wearing that in public.

I bet you'd look good in canvas tan.

Beef, are you flirting with Carissa?

What?! N-No. I genuinely think

she'd look great in a tarp.

What an unusual but fun compliment.

Now stop embarrassing him, Dorothy.

If he turns any redder, we're gonna have to take him

to the emergency room.

you, finally opened

your new coffee shop, Carissa.

That's exciting. How are things going down there?

It's not going that good.

We don't have regulars yet and the tourists off the cruises

just seem to pass us by.

Well, maybe we could all stop in and spend a little dough.

- Sure. - Sure.

Thanks, guys. Okay, my turn.

Who wants it? It's casual,

but you could dress it up with some stilettos.

- Quick meeting under the covers? - Schedule's wide open.

Okay, what's the plan? Cheesecake can't sleep

in a Snorks sleeping bag in our living room forever.

Don't worry, sweetie. I've been through

this kind of stuff with him before,

and Cheesy-C always lands on his feet.

Besides, that's our thing.

I'm there for him, he's there for me.

I've seen half of that, Babe.

When has Cheesecake ever done something for...

- Hey, guys. Quick threesome? - Aah! - Aah!

JK, JK.

Sorry to startle you, but I just woke up

to a text with some great news.

My cousin Porch is gonna hook me up with a job

as a deep-sea crab fisherman!

I guess the greenhorn just got decapitated by an icy net.

So the job's all mine. How lucky am I?

So lucky.

All right, sleep tight.

Follow-up meeting, right now, same location?

Man, man, I can't let my BFF do this.

He does not have the stuff to make it on a crab boat.

Look, why don't we take him out on our boat tomorrow

and see how he does?

Maybe he'll turn out to be a secret genius at it

and there's nothing to worry about.

Hell yeah. Maybe he's a Good Will Fishing.

Wolf, I need you and Honeybee

to prep the boat this morning.

- I'll be a little late. - Aye aye, Father.

That's actually perfect, because Cheesecake got a job

on a crab boat, so we were gonna give him

a little taste of the seafaring life.

A job? Cheesecake? That's hilarious.

What are you gonna do, operate him from under his hat

- like Ratatouille? - Ooh, could we?

Both of you? You're gonna break the poor guy's neck.

Well, I am visiting Carissa's fancy new coffee shop

on the way to the docks this morning to support her

by spending a couple of bucks on a cup of joe.

Classy. Want to borrow one of my berets?

- God, do I need one? - Definitely.

And when they ask for your name for your cup,

say "Jean-Luc Picard."

oui, oui. Definitely do that, Dad.

I see. You're making fun of me.

- What? No. - Dad, no, we would never.

Black coffee, please, miss.

Aw, Beef, you really came by to support me.

Love the name.

Scone Moose. It's like Lone Moose,

but a scone is a food that you sell here.

Look at you, nailing it.

You know, I'm headed to the boat

to meet Honeybee and Wolf, so throw in

two more large coffees and four chocolate croissants.

Wolf always needs two or he says the other hand gets jealous.

And I'll be back tomorrow for more, okay?

I'd love to see you tomorrow.

But promise me you'll actually come in?

Well, I've never hung out inside

a cool coffee shop like this before,

since I'm not actor Ethan Hawke, but you have my word.

Hey, Cheesecake. How you holding up?

Man, man, man. I'm so seasick.

That's a little worrisome,

since we haven't even left shore.

- Yeah. - You know what, Cheesecake?

Me and Honeybee are actually gonna help you

get a job right here in Lone Moose.

- We are? - Yep. Honeybee, I can't let

my best friend get beheaded by an icy net.

That is, like, the first rule of friendship.

All right, I guess I can help

get him signed up at a temp agency.

Thank you. This is incredible.

I just need a brand-new job before Friday.

That's when I'm supposed to ship out.

Ooh, is being Spider-Man a job? He seems to have fun.

Okay, I'm gonna role-play with Wolf so you can see

exactly how to act at an interview.

You have three set up for this afternoon

through that temp service I found, so focus.

Honeybee, what would you say your greatest strength is?

My greatest strength, is I'm a problem solver.

Now, see, this is where you brag about what you're good at.

Don't hold back.

I'd say

my greatest strength is that

you can throw anything at me and I won't flinch.

Throw that stapler at me.

I don't want to throw a stapler at you.

And what would you say is your biggest weakness?

I would say that my biggest weakness is that

I'm too invested in my work.

This is where you pretend to be too good at something

and it isn't really a flaw.

That's easy.

My biggest weakness is that

I drink too much.

Well, yeah, what you do at home is...

No, no, no. I drink at work, too.

You want one?

And it's always good to ask them a few questions, too.

Do I have questions?

Yeah.

Do you think I'd look good with bangs?

Be honest.

I actually have to wrap this up.

Do it! Do it, you coward!

Throw that stapler!

Okay. One plain bran muffin and one black coffee

for this absolute wild man.

So, now what should I do?

Um, sit down and people-watch?

Is there someone suspicious you want me

to keep an eye on, specifically?

Holy Christmas, you are overthinking this,

you big red weirdo.

Hey, man, can you keep an eye on my laptop

for me while I'm in the bathroom?

Sir, you have my word.

No harm shall come to your machine.

Not on my watch.

Okay.

She's safe, my friend.

All right. thanks again, man.

It was my honor.

We have bonded over a shared moral code,

and now the day may come for him

to watch my lap computer.

Welp, that was a bust.

Let's face it, I'm a party guy, not an office guy.

All right, well, I'll talk to Dad tonight about adding a room

on to the cabin, so you can live here

since you didn't get any offers.

No, I got an offer from the pretzel place,

but you never want to take the first one, right?

- My God. - Call them. Call them back.

Yep. Sure, I could start tomorrow. Sounds good.

- I have a job! - Yay! - Yay!

Should we go out and get very, very drunk to celebrate?

Cheesecake, now that you've got the job,

you got to make choices that'll help you keep the job.

Smart, Honeybee. I'll want to be fresh,

so let's just get drunk here.

- Ooh, Curacao. - Cheesecake, that's Windex!

How is he gonna get through a whole day of work?

It's too bad you can't really Ratatouille him.

Honeybee, maybe we can.

But we're gonna need a few more rats.

Namely, my siblings.

I hate this idea

and I don't even know what it is yet.

It is Windex, you were right.

Okay, earpiece is in. Come in, Team Cheese.

- Do you copy? - Loud and clear.

boss lady ahoy.

Cheesecake, great to see you again.

Plenty more where that came from.

If you know what I mean, wink, wink.

- Boy. - He's just warming up.

So, as I mentioned, this is a temporary position

but it could become full-time. This is your desk.

He never comes out here.

This is the CEO

of Alaska Pretzels, Mr. Slimsac.

Mr. Slimsac, this is Cheesecake.

He's our new receptionist.

Don't steal, don't snoop, don't call the health department.

Wouldn't dream of it. Not that I'm dreaming about you.

N-Not that that's bad.

I'm sure plenty of people dream about you.

- And I can see why. - Sure.

Okay, well, once you're settled,

please make collated copies of these.

You got it.

Okay, I was panicking. I did not hear a word she said.

Guys, 911. The lady asked me to do something.

Hold tight. Okay, guys, Cheesecake needs our help.

This is what we're here for.

Not me. I'm just here 'cause I passed out in the van.

And we're just here 'cause we got to skip school.

Technically not skipping.

I told Principal Gibbons that Aunt Dirt died.

- You wish. - And you're still paying us 20 bucks each, right?

I said ten.

Shall I call Dad, then?

Aren't you supposed to be on the boat?

Fine. 20.

- Thirty. - Okay. - I only agreed

to do this to solve the Cheesecake problem

once and for all, so let's go.

Okay, Cheesecake, what do you remember about the instructions?

God, I think she said either the word copy or coffee?

- Cheesecake, this is Ham. - Ham, I'm scared.

It's gonna be okay. Now, do you see

either papers or a coffee maker?

- That could be a big clue. - Yes.

There's a stack of papers here.

That's real good, bud. I think she wants you to make copies.

Let's head on over to the copy machine.

Lot of machines in here, guys.

- Judy, we need your eyes here. - On it.

Judy just texted you a photo.

Find the thing that looks like that.

I got it. I got it.

Okay, headed over.

Just gonna grab a little sip of water.

No. God!

I swallowed my earpiece!

We're losing signal. We're losing signal!

Cheesecake, no.

Look who's back. Is it our second date, Beef?

I...

I'm just kidding.

Sorry, the cruise ships are here today,

so I am trying to keep it fun.

Hi, welcome to Scone Moose.

Hi, we just got off the cruise ship

and we couldn't help but notice him through the window.

Are we allowed to talk to your Alaskan man?

Who, Beef?

Yes. He's not an exhibit.

Beef? Wow. What a rugged name.

He's so authentic.

He is, right? And really nice.

The kind of guy who would take time out of his day

to come support you, not like your stupid ex

who watched reruns of Grace Under Fire all day

and told you your dreams were dumb.

I guess.

And handsome. Like, in a way, like,

you didn't notice before but now, suddenly,

you're, like, maybe?

What does he order?

He usually just gets a coffee and a muffin.

Ooh, okay. Yes, we'll take that.

And also a few croissants

and he loves those keychains.

Yeah, he puts them on all of his axes.

We need those.

And he loves mugs.

This is the kind he uses.

Only, $30.

We'll take two.

- Okay. - Your hand.

It's like if leather was sandpaper.

Hi. Hello, hi.

I'm here from Silicon Valley on a cruise

and I would love to take a picture with you.

Sure.

Okay, here we go, but don't do kissy lips.

That's my thing.

Beefcake, you're a hit.

You sitting in the window is like a lure

for cruise ship tourists.

That's a fishing reference. You're welcome.

And the people love it. I love it.

You, love it?

Yeah, yeah, like, as a friend who loves their friend

who's making them money.

Of course. Yes.

Can you lean even more

into the Alaskan man thing a little bit?

Like, tell people about a bear you fought

and how you, like, respected him and he respected you.

Both of those things are true.

Cheesecake, it's me, Honeybee.

I'm not really a delivery person.

Something in this box is gonna help you,

so please focus because I need my life back.

Sign here.

Okay, the box is gonna help me,

so I just look at it or...

Maybe I burn it?

No!

- Moon? - Don't call me Moon.

For the rest of the day,

I'm a normal, everyday office plant.

I'll sit right by your desk and guide you.

Okay, we have eyes and ears again, people.

We've got boss.

You there, temp,

can you email me the marketing report?

Email.

I love it and I've used it before.

Great response.

All right, good. I got to get back on the floor.

Guess there's some "poison" in the dough today,

so another nightmare for me.

Okay, email.

Let's begin by turning on the computer.

Wow, Beef, this has been

my best day at the shop since I opened.

You know, I can keep coming back every day, if you want.

But what about your boat?

The boat? Pfft.

Boat. What boat? Pfft.

Beef, come on.

Okay, yes, I care about my boat intensely.

My son has been captaining it for a few days,

but I am filled with jealousy and having nightmares

that the boat is calling him Dad.

You are a deeply weird man and I enjoy it.

But, Beef, fishing is your actual job.

You got to get back to it.

Also, how much cash have you spent here

these last two days?

Not much. Just $197.

Beef! I can't let you keep doing that.

As much as I would love to.

And I would love to, too. But how about this?

I come back and sit in your window

every two weeks when the cruise ships dock?

Perfect. And if you miss me too much in between,

you can... take me out to dinner?

Because it turns out I like it when you spend money on me.

I'm very greedy. Very shallow.

Sure. I'm also very shallow.

I like eating dinner with gorgeous model types

who own their own businesses.

Okay, that was almost, like, smooth.

Are you feeling okay? Are you sick?

I am definitely feeling okay.

Hi, excuse me.

Could I just snip a little piece of your beard

for my scrapbook?

As long as you also order

whatever the hell a cold brew is, be my guest.

All right.

Good first day today.

You did all the jobs and, more importantly,

you didn't call OSHA about stuff you saw

like the last temp.

And that weird new plant you brought

really livens the place up.

Thank you. It's my friend's brother...'s.

You know, we've been trying to fill this position for a while

and, well, you are acceptable.

So if you want, we can make this a full-time job.

- - We did it! - My God, we did it!

All right, Wolf,

you saved Cheesecake. Take a bow.

I will take... this whole crew out to dinner at Maude's.

And the cheesecake's on me.

- Babe, no. - Babe, yes.

All right guys, Cheesecake's out celebrating,

so this is the perfect time for us to

strategize and tighten up our game for tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Sorry. The day after today.

I know what the word "tomorrow" means, Wolf.

Let's start with Judy.

I'd love to see a little more hustle, okay?

Um...

Aunt Dirt, maybe you

could actually help tomorrow?

Maybe not, hot shot.

Okay. Could you at least fart less?

- Dream on, bitch. - Right.

Moon, let's keep innovating.

Babe, you can't be serious.

You have done enough for your friend.

And we've missed enough time on the boat,

which is our actual job

while we're waiting for our Shark Tank audition.

But, no. We just got Cheesecake safe.

We can't stop now.

Guys, you mind if I talk to Wolf alone?

Sweetie, I'm glad it went well today,

and I'm glad Cheesecake got a full-time job,

but for me, the Cheesecake experiment is over.

But-but Cheesecake needs us.

Do you not like him or something?

No, babe, I do like Cheesecake.

I just don't like the effect he has on you sometimes.

I mean, you do everything for him

and he doesn't do anything for you.

What is it with him?

It's just, when you have a friend you made

when you were a kid, they're like your family.

And when someone's family, you protect them no matter what.

And he does do things for me.

He never forgets my birthday,

he bought me three lottery tickets last month

and also, when I'm around him, I can't be serious.

I just relax.

He's like a human hot tub full of rum.

I know it's hard to understand,

but that's what he does for me.

I can't let him down now.

But babe, you are letting him down.

When you do everything for someone,

you're kind of not letting them grow on their own.

It's called co-dependent, hon,

and I've seen enough Ben Affleck relationships

to know it does not work.

I'm sorry, Honeybee,

but I can't let Cheesecake

die on a crab boat.

So I'll go it alone if I have to.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I got to go find our Die Hard DVD.

Might pull a John McClane tomorrow

and help Cheesecake from the air ducts.

So, Cheesecake,

how's your afternoon going?

- Um... - Hang on, buddy.

Fun banter coming right up.

Can't park in a red zone.

Move this hunk of junk before you lose it.

Hey, this is not a hunk of junk.

But, okay, moving it before I'm losing it.

Hey, this is not a hunk of junk.

But I'm moving it before I'm losing it.

Wait, why did you just say that?

Wait, why did you just say that?

I didn't say anything.

Why did I say that? Because it's my job.

Have you been drinking?

I have not been drinking, sir.

I have not been drinking, sir.

- Well, not a lot. - Cheesecake, no.

Whoa!

- Aah! - Aah!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell was that?

You could have killed someone, buddy.

Yeah, jeez. I really could have.

Step out of the car.

So, now I have to go to court and pay some fines

and the front of the van is messed up.

And you tried to warn me.

Mr. Bean's jeans, you were right.

Look, Wolf, I don't want to destroy your friendship.

In fact, I'm trying to help it.

If Cheesecake has to take a risky job

because of choices he made,

well, that's how people learn. And grow.

And your friendship's gonna survive better

if y'all grow together.

Like you said, he's basically family,

and family can make it through stuff like this.

Yeah. I'll talk to him.

Okay, but when you do, make sure he's really awake

and hasn't painted eyeballs on his eyelids again.

Sleepcake.

My God, I love when he does that.

Hey, there he is... My old pal Wolf.

Hey, what happened to you today?

About that... We, need to have a talk.

Okay. Is it about me eating

that whole block of Velveeta I found in the fridge

that was labeled, "Honeybee's. Do not touch?"

- No. - Good, because I didn't eat it

- or get sick. - Course.

Look, as you know,

I've been covering for you our whole lives.

Hey, the system works.

But it's probably got to stop.

You're like a brother to me. A-And also like a piñata.

A-And a hot tub filled with rum.

Flattered.

And you've literally

always been there to cheer me up

and keep me going, but it might be time for you

to learn how to do things for yourself.

So you got to go to work alone tomorrow.

- I understand. - You do?

You're not mad? Like, if I stop doing stuff for you,

- we'll still be buds? - Of course.

I don't expect you to do stuff for me.

I mean, I like it 'cause I hate doing stuff,

but I'll be around no matter what,

- 'cause we are bros. - That's great news.

Now how about we grab a bowl of gin

before we hit the sack?

Okay, but only one. I got work tomorrow.

Well, it's almost the end of the day.

I don't want to jinx it,

but maybe he did okay on his own?

- Hi, guys. - Aah! - Aah!

Welp, I got fired.

No. You did? What happened?

I sorta accidentally shredded a bunch of important papers

and then somehow also shredded the shredder itself.

That checks out.

But, you won't believe this. Right after I got fired,

they told me to get out immediately,

and I tried, but I walked the wrong way.

Wound up on the factory floor,

and right when I was like "Hey, this isn't the outdoors,"

I got snagged by this hook thing, and then I was

briefly dipped into the white chocolate

pretzel-coating vat and I almost drowned.

God.

I tried eating my way out

but that only works in cartoons.

Then I blacked out,

and when I woke up,

I thought I was in heaven

but I was in the back of that pretzel boss's Camry.

He thought I was dead

so he was pretty surprised to see me sit up.

But here's the best part.

- There's a best part? - Yup.

Apparently there's a lot of very unsafe stuff

going on down there that they don't want people to know about.

And so, when I woke up, that boss guy yelled at me

but he also gave me 200 grand

if I signed something that said I wouldn't sue them.

Cheesecake, that's incredible. Let me see the check.

Okay, this is $20,000.

You have got to learn your numbers.

- And I'll help you. - Wolf.

Wait, nope, you can learn numbers on your own.

But you really did it all by yourself.

Aw, I'm so proud of you.

Your head is gonna stay right here, where it belongs.

On your neck in Lone Moose.

Yeah, I guess you kinda did it.

All right! Let's hit the bar. Drinks are on me.

And by me, I mean you because it's gonna take some time

- for this check to clear. - We haven't even had dinner yet.

Then we better get over there.

We got to put down a base of alcohol

to absorb the food.

Aw, what the hell, let's do it.

>>>>oakislandtk www.opensubtitles.org