Original subtitles

I'm Diondra Tundra, coming to you live

from the oldest bar in Lone Moose,

the Toe in the Snow Tavern,

where people have been hot-footing it in to sign up

for tomorrow night's annual

Chug n' Tug family tug-of-war tournament.

I'm joined by bar owner Pamela Suggs

and by the body part that gives her bar its name.

Tell us about it, Pamela.

It was my great-great-great- grandfather's toe.

He accidentally chopped it off

when he was building this place.

He put it in a jar,

and it's been sitting on the bar ever since.

I love you, Pappy Suggs.

Well, there you have it.

Be sure to get a sitter and designate a driver

because tomorrow night Lone Moose cuts loose.

I am so stoked to enter my first Chug n' Tug.

I've been doing throat-loosening exercises all week.

By tomorrow night, I'll be able

to put anything down this gullet.

A hammer, a... a big hammer. You name it.

Please don't swallow a hammer, son.

I'm excited, too.

I mean, I don't think we'll win 'cause apparently

Craig Ptarmigan's family's team wins every year?

It's still gonna be fun, though.

The only thing that would make it more special is

if the third family member on our team was...

you, Father. What do you say?

I say the same thing I've said dozens of times. No.

I will be home with Ham and Judy and Moon

doing our annual Hugs n' Rugs.

We clean the rugs, we give each other hugs,

and the only loser is loneliness.

Right, kids?

I'd be your third, Wolf, but I'm banned,

just 'cause I used the tug-of-war rope improperly

for an attempted strangulation in 1957.

Come on, Dad, I'm begging you.

With you on our side, we might even win!

You are great at tugging things, Dad.

When our school bus broke down on that field trip,

you tugged us all the way home.

Plus, Beef, you could use a night out.

Let's get a little sloppy and have some fun.

I put my sloppy days behind me when I became a dad at 19.

While Kathleen continued to live it up,

I took care of diaper changes, feedings,

and emotional stability.

But to her credit, she would occasionally

shout something supportive from an adjoining room.

Okay, Beef, but I do think

every parent deserves a big night out every now and then.

Rest assured, Honeybee, I had enough big nights

at that good old bar to last a lifetime.

And after a few too many, if this wonderful song came on...

Ooh! "The Humpty Hump"?

No, a sea shanty called "Three Sad Wives."

Once I heard that, all bets were off,

and I'd enter a state known as

"the Dare Bear."

would always goad the Dare Bear to do

Heck, one time, he offered me $700

to drink a shot of that old toe juice.

But not even the Dare Bear would take that bet.

- Just when I think my dad can't get any radder. - Rad, indeed.

the Dare Bear went into hibernation forever.

- Damn it. - Sorry, you two, but the only thing

this guy's gonna be chugging tomorrow night

are his parental responsibilities.

In that case, we'll go with our second most logical option...

Adopting my best bud Cheesecake as our child.

I will not recognize Cheesecake,

your adult best friend, as a family member.

Wow! That's your grandchild!

Well, Dad, since I'm gonna be swamped with adoption paperwork,

could you at least drop off our $200 entry fee

and entry form with Pamela Suggs?

And also loan us, $200?

Judy, we've been over this.

I'm not going to tape an iPad to my chest

and live stream tomorrow night's kegger in the woods for you.

Me neither. Sorry, Ham, but iPads look too boxy on me.

Well, we at least expect a photo every 15 minutes

just to get us through Rugging n' Hugging with our dad

while every other teen in town is unsupervised and going wild.

Hi. Wow. I didn't even see you guys there.

You literally just walked up to us.

Hey, Judy, quick question.

Is your dad gonna make you stay home and vacuum tomorrow night

while the rest of us are in the woods being cool?

No. Well, I mean, factually, yes, but...

Yeah, I knew you were gonna say that

because you're just like a vacuum.

'Cause you suck.

Everyone in school thinks

Ham and I are losers who never party.

Honestly, guys, the kegger hasn't been the same

since Doug De Luca got emancipated and stopped coming.

He was the real party captain.

Now there's never enough alcohol to go around.

Doug De Luca was such a legend.

I was at the party where he was so wasted,

he drank a whole fish tank,

including the little plastic treasure chest and all the fish.

He pooped one out alive later!

And I heard, another time, he got one of those hot tub limos,

and he did a cannonball into it and almost drowned.

Well, I guess that kind of debauchery is something

Judy and I were never meant to know.

Makes me so mad, I'm going to open my locker

just so I can slam it.

Four. 17. 12?

Nope, nope. Let me start over.

Whoa.

It's the Dare Bear himself.

I haven't seen you around here in 20-odd years.

And I do mean odd.

I must say, Pamela, I love what you've done with the place.

- Absolutely nothing. - Ha!

How about a breakfast beer for old time's sake?

Thanks, but they're called old times for a reason.

I'm just here to drop off my son Wolf's Chug n' Tug entry form.

Good. I hope he enjoys it, since it'll be the last one.

My cousin Burt-tholomew started gambling again,

stole my savings, and now I'm gonna... lose the bar.

What? No.

- The Toe in the Snow can't close. - Yup.

Looks like the Dare Bear's old den ain't long for this world.

I've missed three mortgage payments.

So if you want to take home that chandelier

you loved to swing on, then you better do it now.

Because in a few days, it'll be property of the bank.

Exactly how deep underwater are you?

A little over six grand.

You're the only person I've told. So embarrassing.

You know the Suggs don't like to ask for help.

When Grandpappy cut his toe off,

he put it in his pocket

and walked three miles to the hospital.

Then, when he got there, he just asked for a jar to put it in.

This is tugging at my chug strings.

Damn it.

Pamela, I'm gonna save this bar.

It's time for me to put your alcohol where my mouth is.

Whoa.

Here comes the airplane.

Open wide!

Whoo!

You're really committing to this baby thing, Wolf?

This is actually how I always feed Cheesecake.

None of my back teeth ever came in.

Wolf, Honeybee, important breaking news.

I have decided to Chug n' Tug with you!

Chug-a-lug-a-ding-dong!

Aw. C-cake, I'm sorry, but this means you're no longer my son.

It's not the first time I've heard that.

Kids, I apologize for my sudden change of plans.

I know how much you all look forward to Rugs n' Hugs.

- But we could reschedule. - Please, no.

- No, thanks. - Never!

Okay, Team Tobin, we are gonna win this thing

and give the money to Pamela to save the Toe in the Snow Tavern!

Hell yeah! I'm finally

- gonna tug with my dad. - Babe, no!

Okay, so now that our dad

has decided to finally act like a normal parent

and get drunk, can you fill us in on how we should act

at the kegger tonight?

My God, it's the cast of Below Dork.

Before you keep barfing out your words, Stacy,

you should know that Judy and Ham are,

in fact, going out tonight.

Are they coming to study at the party?

And narc everybody out?

Actually, you know what?

We're not even going to that kegger, Stacy.

We're doing something much cooler

that you aren't even invited to do.

Ooh! Am I invited, Judy?

Yes, Ham.

What? You're so funny today. Remember

how we are all going to do that thing

that will make us party legends like Doug De Luca?

Because that is actually who we are partying with.

- With Doug. - Judy.

Nobody knows where Doug is.

Ooh, then I guess we're not nobodies

'cause we do know where he is.

You're totally lying.

There's no way that Dougie D. Would hang out with you scabies.

Yes, there is a way,

and we will send you the pics to prove it.

- God. - So have fun at your boring kegger for dweebs, Stace.

- Judy, what the hell?! - Did you see her face?

My God, she was so mad.

Um, we are also mad.

We do not know where Doug De Luca is.

Last I heard, he and Jared Leto were in Mykonos

writing a Joker musical.

Guys, don't be so negative.

If Dateline has taught us anything,

it's that anyone can be found.

Farewell, children.

I've provided Aunt Dirt with the Tobin Babysitter Bible,

so it should be a seamless transition

in terms of policies and procedures.

And as always, I'll call to check in

every hour on the hour,

just like your mother's old probation officer Jerrod.

Look. There's your ride.

- Better get going. - Bye-bye now. Goodbye. There you go. Bye-bye.

Not that we're anxious for you to leave.

We'd love for you to stay,

- so if you want to stay, just say the word. - Ham!

I-I mean, get out of here, Dad! Now!

- Ham! - I don't know what's going on here,

but Londra's waiting, so let's go.

Okay, guys, the coast is clear!

I see.

Moon and I were planning to use the laundry basket

to sled off the roof,

but if you've got something better cooking,

we'll take a flyer on it.

- Well, if you must know... - We must.

We're gonna find party legend Doug De Luca

and then party with him legendarily.

The only problem is, we have no idea where he is.

Well, I knew a Chester De Luca in my day,

and I'm guessing he's Doug's grandfather,

'cause Chester was also a party legend.

He made Cary Grant look like Jimmy Stewart,

- if you know what I mean. - We do not.

It's not my fault you're dumb.

Now, Chester had an underground speakeasy.

I bet Doug's party is there. I still know the password.

It's showing your boobs.

- Yeesh. - Relax, Polly Prudebottom.

I'm happy to show mine.

They're a little long, but they're going strong.

Judy, you might have to help me hold them up to the peephole.

- Can do. - Great. I'll make us all some Van-hattans

in a travel flask.

- Moon, you're driving. - He's ten.

Come on, Ham, you know I can drive.

- Yup. You're the best driver in the family. - Let's boogie.

Yeah.

Okay, here we go. The Big Dance.

Holy Hoobastank, Dad! Someone carved

"Don't poke the Dare Bear" on this table.

Yes, I had quite a following back in the day.

So cool.

Good evening, tuggers!

Good evening.

We've got last year's champions,

the Ptuggin' Ptarmigan family, in the house.

- - Yeah. - We eat boos for breakfast

and wash 'em down with these.

You like that? You like that?

You're going down, Ptarmigans!

We're gonna murder each and every one of you!

- Babe. - Sorry, I-I got carried away.

But first up, it's the Tobin Family Tobler-ropes

versus the Evanoff Evan-knots.

Hey, Duane. Nice to see you.

You're all going down, too, FYI.

Chug!

Dad, what's wrong?

I don't remember how to chug.

Don't think and don't savor, just swallow.

Finish it all in one gulp.

And tug.

On my honor!

Let's keep our composure.

We have many ropes to travel.

I get it. What a perfect front for a speakeasy.

- Classic. - It's not a front, Ham.

- The speakeasy's gone. - And I may have

a few outstanding warrants,

and our designated driver's a ten-year-old,

so let's not cool our heels here too long.

Okay, but where are we supposed to go?

That was our only Doug lead.

Well, I guess we could go talk to Chester.

- Ask him where his grandson is. - Wait, Chester is alive?

Yeah, I ran into him last week.

My dealer Morty lives at his retirement home.

Wait, what kind of dealer?

Blackjack, butt crack.

We're not paying you to ask questions.

- You're not paying me. - Even better.

Next up,

the Tobin Family Tobler-ropes

versus Alyson and her Sisterhood of the Tugging Pants.

Does Alyson have two incredibly large, hot sisters?

Yeah. Madison and Wisconsin.

They're in town from Portland.

They're super nice. So large.

Chug...

and tug!

I'm a little distracted

by those double dreamboats over there.

The phrase "smother me"

- keeps popping into my head. - Use it.

Pull those giant Alysons into your arms, Dad.

- Woo-hoo! - Bring on the next beer.

Gosh, I just realized

I haven't phoned the kids once yet.

Don't worry, Dad, I'll text them for you.

I have their numbers. We text all the time.

Incredible.

Hey, maybe we should do a few shots?

You sure about that, Dad? I mean, what about focusing?

Come on, son, I may not be The Dare Bear,

but you don't want to be a Square Bear.

- If you insist. - That's the spirit, Mr. T.

I pity the fool that doesn't want to do shots with you.

We're down to the Final Four.

It's the Tobin Family Tobler-ropes

versus the Tug-tleys.

And chug!

Well, ex-squeeze me.

I love drunk Beef.

Give him another shot, Pam.

Gladly. You still got it, Beef.

Now get your asses on the rope.

Okay, but wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.

Wait. I love you guys.

Well, we love you, too, Dad, but we got to tug now.

You got to tug now. Whee...

- Ooh, chandelier. - Plenty of time for that later, fella.

Got to save the bar.

- Chug! - Gonna...

Dad, no.

Don't worry. I can pull from down here.

I love you guys.

Yes!

Shots for everybody, on me.

Okay.

Who wanted to see me? You?

What are you doing here?

Morty's in jail. They got him.

I'm not here for that. We're looking for your grandson.

These kids want to party.

Last I heard,

he was living on a houseboat at the marina.

A party boat? Hell yeah.

You guys want a real party, stick around.

The nurse fell asleep again. We got everything.

I'm gonna stick with these losers for now,

but I'll circle back for the after-party.

Later, Chester.

Don't let my back door hit you on the way out.

Maybe this is the boat that takes us to his party boat?

Or maybe this is a freaky party

where the lights are all out and the first person to make a sound

has to drink an entire bottle of Chardonnay.

Bow-bow-bo-bow.

Are you trying to do an air horn?

Yeah. Bam-bada-bam-berr!

Okay, that's like a fanfare, that's not even...

Kids, can we go inside?

Toot-toot, Doug. Party patrol.

- Hello. - Doug. There he is.

I mean, there you are.

Lone Moose legend alert. Let's party.

Where do you keep your beer bongs,

'cause Mama came to rage.

Sorry, we've been looking for you all night.

We're here to become party legends

at your awesome party, so let's go.

We just want to get in on whatever you're doing tonight.

Great. Come on in.

Doug, um, would you eat a Meat-a-Roni ever?

What's the savings?

- 35 cents. - Yeah.

- That's a keeper. - What about dog food?

Definitely. I call it "Doug Food."

So, how's the emancipated life treating you, Doug?

Lot of freedom? Lot of good times?

I'm kind of too busy for good times.

I work two jobs and my houseboat needs a new bilge pump.

How's things at school? They still got classes?

Doug, do you have any alcohol?

I'd really love to not feel this way anymore.

No, alcohol is way too expensive for me now.

But I have some friends just down the dock

if you want to go visit them.

That sounds like a party. Let's go.

Could I, use your bathroom first?

Sure. It's that jar.

- We can all turn around. - Never mind.

I'm never going to the bathroom again. Let's go.

And...

chug!

I can't believe it took me this long

to remember how much fun it is to have this much fun.

That's great, Dad.

But what do you say we buckle down

for a quick sec and get serious?

W-We're in the finals against Craig and his fellow Ptarmigans.

You're going down, Tobin.

You're going down Tobin. I'm gonna kick your ass, Beef.

I don't think you are, Beef.

Or should I say

Dare Bear?

Time to boogie, Beef.

Dad, don't listen.

Put... let's put candles in his ears.

And tug!

Dad, we need you on the rope. We got to save the bar.

Beef, I'm giving you ten seconds.

- Beef! - Dang it!

Get back on the rope.

Three, two, one.

And the Ptarmigans win.

- This is bad. - I don't know.

He seems to be taking losing pretty well.

I mean, sure, he's, like, nine beers in

and having the time of his life, but trust me,

in the morning, he is gonna be hella pissed at himself.

He's never gonna let himself have fun again.

- Dare Bare! - Man. What's he doing now?

- Dare Bear! - You asked for it.

Scroungey,

Stubby, Two-legs.

Daddy's here. Come eat.

- Now it's a party. - Is it?

Sometimes I feed them like this.

It helps build trust.

- I wish I had teats. - Geez,

I'm just realizing what time it is,

and that we simply must go because we are, um...

reverse-Draculas, which means that we're allergic

to the nighttime, so we have to go,

- but let me just snap a quick pic real quick. - All right, cool.

This is one of those times I never want to forget.

Okay, everyone looks great, bye-bye.

Hey, come back.

I still have 45 minutes till my shift

at the medical waste rendering depot.

Let's go home and clean those rugs, okay?

And I sure wouldn't mind a hug.

98, 99, 100.

I think he's done enough dares for one night.

Let's try to get him home.

We could be looking at a full Beef Melt when he sobers up

and it really sinks in that he didn't save the bar.

But, hon, I got to say, I don't think this is really...

- about the bar? - What do you mean?

You guys might not be able to see it 'cause he's your dad,

but I think Beef actually wanted to cut loose tonight.

The Chug n' Tug was just, like, an excuse.

He doesn't care that much about this old bar

except it's the last time he was his old self.

Gosh.

Wow, yeah.

So, what do we do?

Well, I think we save the bar and the Dare Bear.

Maybe your dad doesn't need to leave.

Maybe he needs to stay here so we can poke the guy

who loved to poke the Dare Bear.

There he is.

- He's back, baby. - Sorry, Dad,

we had to put you in the bathtub in case you puked.

You asked to be put to sea, but this seemed safer.

No. It's coming back to me.

The bar. I didn't save it, did I?

And I-I danced. And sang?

- You want some coffee? - Coffee will not remove

the foul taste that comes from making a fool of myself.

You want me to pistol-whip you?

That's how we cured hangovers in the '50s.

No, I'll just lie here in my shame and regret, thank you.

What shame and regret, Beef? You did it.

- Did what? - You saved the bar.

I mean, you didn't, but the Dare Bear did.

Wait, what? What did that lunatic do?

That crazy little cub took a $6,000 dare

from Craig Ptarmigan.

No. Did we do a Cage-Travolta style Face/Off?

No, it was more of an In/Face.

Chug, chug, chug!

Dear Lord. I didn't.

You did. You swallowed the toe.

- Did I throw up? - Nope. But I did.

Might again right now just thinking about it.

Then Craig gave you the cash, and you gave it to Pamela.

She was incredibly grateful.

But she would also like Pappy Suggs's toe back

when you're, done with it?

Good lord. I mean, I'm glad I saved the bar,

but you guys must be very embarrassed of me.

Hell no, Dad. It was great to see you having that much fun.

Beef Tobin, Lone Moose party legend.

Beep-beep-bop-berr.

What sound are you making, Judy?

It's the party air horn.

- Bam-beep-bop-berr. - Sure.

And everything worked out just like you wanted.

So maybe you shouldn't feel like

you have to be in control all the time?

Yeah, I wouldn't mind hanging out

with the Dare Bear now and again.

I got to admit, other than a pounding headache

and the fact that I have an ancient man's toe

in my stomach, I had a wonderful night.

By the way, how did we get home?

We picked you up on our way back from the docks.

Great. Wait, why were you at the docks?

You just rest now, Father.

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