Original subtitles

Arf, arf. That's the sound of history being made.

The biggest sled dog race in the world...

The Alaskan Iditarod... Is mushing through Lone Moose,

and a Lone Moose resident is in this year's race:

Toast the dog.

Fans will soon gather for an Idita-fest that'll have you

wagging your tails and begging for more.

I can't believe we have such a huge local celebrity.

I had the honor of being bitten by Toast once.

I mean, he could have bitten anyone, and he bit me.

Well, get ready for a taste of greatness again, Dad,

'cause me and Judy are baking Toast a special cake

with dog-friendly ingredients.

And we're gonna hold it out so he can take

a little nibble as he goes by, just like those people

with water cups at marathons.

I'm so thrilled my mom decided to fly in for this.

I had no idea your mom was such a hound hound.

Well, she's first and foremost a country music hound.

And her favorite country song is Iditarod Rod's

"Night of a Thousand Dogs."

So she can't wait to see the song come to life.

And we're gonna go to all the Toast-based attractions

around town, too. The Pop-Up Idita-shop

at the mall, the Russian restaurant

for Idita-dogs...

And I hear there's an exhibit at the VFW

that will have you saying "VF double-woo."

Just a little joke there. Feel free to use that one

with your mom, if it's not too racy.

And, Wolf, you okay with Ruth coming to visit?

Yep, yep, yep. Hella yes. I mean, yes.

There is a history of Ruth making me very nervous

and yes, that has led to some questionable behavior

on my end.

I mean, last time we went to Fresno,

I did give her a noogie at church.

Ruined her favorite hat.

But I've been working on my calming breaths.

Listen to how calm this sounds.

Babe, I don't get why my mom spins you so much.

Did your mom make you nervous, too?

No, never. I could do whatever I wanted around her.

Fart, burn off my eyebrows.

And whenever she seemed down, I'd dump a yogurt on my head

and then dance around. Next thing you knew,

she was laughing and I had her attention again.

We always had so much yogurt on our pillows.

Do you think you can keep it together around my mom

- this time, hon? - Absolutely.

I'm gonna be normal as crap during this visit.

I got this. I got this by the nips.

Weird.

My favorite vandalized

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

paperback is gone.

The one where someone drew a ton of penises

just spilling out of the wardrobe.

And so is the copy of Charlotte's Web

where the picture of the web that's supposed to say

"some pig" got changed to say "some butthole."

Excuse me, Mrs. Rodenburg,

what happened to all the old books?

You mean the vandalized books?

I replaced them with my husband's book Priest No More.

It's about our love affair. I'm very religious.

He's the third priest I've married.

But what happened to the old books?

And what happened to the old priests?

The books are in the dumpster,

and Fathers Francis and Peter are in heaven.

Holy crap, it's the mother lode.

Yep, this is definitely primo stuff,

drawn by some of the greats.

Like the guy who always drew Charlie Brown

smoking a bong.

And the kid who signs their drawings

with two boobs, or double-boob, as I like to call them.

Those are stone-cold classics.

What are you guys looking at?

The dirty books from the library.

Mrs. Rodenburg threw them out.

Ooh, do you have the Anne of Green Gables that has

Anne's braids blowing in the wind of a fart?

- I believe we do. - And you may buy it for five bucks.

Deal.

Guys, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

About how my mom's boyfriend Jamie

has a pair of jeans that he's going to give me

when I turn 15?

Russell, no. I'm thinking we should open

a vandalized-book bookstore

and sell these to our fellow students.

Yeah. Why shouldn't we offer this great product

at reasonable prices?

Or even better... Unreasonable prices.

My friends, let's get rich.

Any sign of Honeybee

- and Ruth yet? - Nope. Nope, nope, nope.

- Try to breathe, son. - Boy, here they come.

A fun idea: should I hide

behind the couch and pop out?

Absolutely. Older ladies love jump scares.

You promised Honeybee you'd get it together

around her mom.

So stand on your feet, arms at your side,

regular smile.

- It'll settle. - Hey, everybody,

look who I found at the airport.

Hello, everyone.

Hello.

Well, Wolf, why don't you come over here

and give your mother-in-law a proper greeting?

A proper greeting.

Yeah, I know what that is. Okay, here I come.

Yes. Whoops.

Should I have given you a kiss on the cheek? Mwah.

- - Whoa! - Oops.

I accidentally kissed you on the lips there.

I'll just, try the other cheek.

No, no, no, no, no. Wolf, no.

Not to say I told you so,

but probably should have gone with the jump scare.

Ham, the kitchen's all yours after school,

so you and Judy can work on your dog cake.

And turns out the butcher's a big Toast fan,

and he put aside a bunch of meat for free.

Honeybee, how's Wolf this morning? Feeling better?

So much better.

I mean, who knew you could get sudden onset vertigo?

The doctor said that's why he couldn't position

his, lips right.

But he feels much better today.

Wonderful. And is there a reason

why he's watching us through the window?

Yes, and I will tell you about it

when I get back. Excuse me.

Babe, what are you doing?

I'm eating breakfast with you guys,

just from out here.

My Ruth-related anxiety is like a wild, psychotic rhino,

so maybe the solution is to keep a healthy distance.

But I already told her you're coming with us today.

And I will, but I will also keep my distance

as much as possible.

Okay, I guess that's a pretty good plan.

I'll just signal you when it's time to go.

And can you bring me some sausages

and apple juice and-and maybe a magazine?

A book's fine, too, but no mysteries, please.

I'd like to sleep tonight.

- Here it is. - Wow.

There's nothing I love more than a historical marker.

Except maybe curtains ruffled by a slight breeze.

Wolf, aren't you gonna come see it with us?

I wish I could, but I am, allergic to history,

so my eyes might explode.

So have fun, Mommybee.

And that

is Toast's first pee pad.

Please, no flash photography.

Very interesting.

Yeah, so cool!

Wolf, please come over here and tell me

about the time you met Toast.

What's that, Mrs. Tuntley?

Sure. Yeah, yeah, give me a minute.

Who on earth are you talking to?

Mrs. Tuntley. She needs my help.

That woman in that truck there? She's driving away.

I know, so I better hurry. Heh.

I'm sorry, Mom.

It's not your fault. Let's go pick him up

and head to the mall.

Ooh, he almost got hit.

Let's hurry.

What a delightful store.

I got some Idita-socks.

They were buy one, get one free,

but I told 'em I had no need for a second pair.

Great, great.

I'm just gonna get in some laps

around the mall, actually.

See you in a bit.

Welcome to

Butts and Noble. Ooh, great choice.

Somebody wrote the word "dildo 420"

on page 69.

I don't know exactly what that means,

but I know it's funny.

Ten dollars is kind of steep for me.

Could I give you four?

Um, yeah, I guess.

Gill, hi. Let me explain something.

When pricing books, we take many things into consideration.

PPP... penises per page.

BPP... butts per page.

And also BPP... boobs per page.

Historical value, marijuana leaf work.

And let me assure you, this baby has it all.

And it costs ten dollars.

Okay. I was saving up to give my mom a locket

with my face in it, but she can see my face

anytime she wants, I guess.

Guys, we've made hundreds of dollars.

And thousands of memories.

Frankie, my man. Geno, looking good.

Petey, say hello to your mother for me, all right?

Thank you.

I guess I will get some chips today.

Did you guys see that? Miriam waved at me.

She's never even looked at me before.

Not even when I caught on fire in science class.

Well, get ready to be a nobody again

because this is all we have left to sell.

Well, it was a hell of a ride.

No way, Russell. Those three books aren't the end.

They're just the beginning.

But Henry, where are we gonna get more vandalized books?

Dirty doodles don't grow on trees.

Simple. We use some of our profits

to buy books from the thrift store

and fill them with vulgar drawings.

But none of us can draw well.

I mean, look at this star I drew in math class.

It doesn't matter that we can't draw,

because this person can.

Double-boob? The greatest artist

of our time? How do we find them

when we don't know their real name?

But we know their initials.

Look, when you turn the book this way,

It's not two sets of boobs, it's...

My God, it's two Bs.

I believe I know the real name of our Vincent van Gonads.

Hello, Bethany Bupatutti.

The last person who used my full name

is still in the hospital.

Because they're a nurse.

I was interviewing her for careers week.

Does this look familiar?

I knew this day would come.

How much to make this go away?

We're not here to blackmail you.

We're here to hire you.

We need you to do more drawings for our dirty bookstore.

I don't do that anymore.

My parents found a picture of a penis I drew

and freaked out.

Said I was really talented

and that I should pursue art.

So, naturally, I gave it up.

Well, maybe this jar of Tommy Js will change your mind?

Just when I thought I was out,

you guys pull me back in.

I hope Toast

- likes it. - It looks incredible.

And am I crazy

or does it smell really, really good?

I mean, it is all edible.

It's just almond flour, heavy cream, sugar,

liver, shrimp, coconut,

two cow hearts, ground pork, baking soda, baking powder,

pig lips, something called edible waste.

No one can ever know about this.

Maybe I should get my own table and, you know, let you guys

do some mother/daughter bonding and stuff.

Well, that's a kind offer, but why don't you just relax

and scoot on in.

I trust you aren't gonna accidentally kiss me again.

And I want to spend time with my son-in-law.

Cool.

For Iditarod, we give every table

complimentary mush shakes.

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

Thank you. I'll be sensible

and save mine for after my meal.

Great call, Ruth.

Wolf, I think we know each other well enough now

that you can just call me Mom.

Mom! Wow, yeah.

I mean, you just say it. You're just a guy, and there's

a mom and you're her son and you got to,

got to make her laugh!

- Aah! - What in the world?!

It makes way more sense with the dance, so...

- Wolf! - You know what, Honeybee?

I think after we get out of here,

I might check into a hotel and give Wolf a little space.

Yeah, maybe that would be a good idea.

And, I know it's usually a joke

when people say this, but check, please.

Seems like I got all the milkshake out of my hair.

Wolf, I love you, but I'm trying to have

a nice visit with my mom and you're kind of ruining it.

She came all the way here from Fresno

and now she's not even staying with us.

Again, I am so sorry about the whole

"dumping a full milkshake on my head" thing.

Apparently, your mom and my mom have very different

senses of humor.

But maybe she'll look back at it someday and laugh.

And good laughs are so valuable in your later years,

especially as death approaches.

Wolf, tomorrow, me and my mom are gonna have

a family day with Jerry.

And maybe that'll be a nice break for you.

And also a nice break from you.

Yep, I, I get that.

Look, Wolf, this weird anxiety about my mom

doesn't seem to be getting any better.

So could you maybe talk to her so you can get past this?

'Cause it can't be like this every time

she comes to visit for the rest of our lives.

I'm so glad you said that, my Christopher Tense-Plasse,

because when I was a-showerin',

- I decided I am gonna talk to her. - Good.

And I'm gonna do it in her favorite language:

- country music. - What are you talking about?

Well, you said that country music

is the old dirt road to her heart.

I did not say that.

Well, not in so many words,

but I got the message.

I'm gonna write your mom a country song

about how I feel and perform it at the Iditarod.

What? No!

Honeybee, you got to trust me on this one.

Plus, I already arranged it with Mayor Peppers.

- When? - I called him from the shower.

You know I bring my phone in in a Ziplock

and roll calls while I loofa.

It's all set. I'm gonna get up there,

lasso her heart and tie it up like a baby calf.

Okay, you know what, I give up.

You already dumped a milkshake on your head

and kissed my mother on the lips.

If you think writing a song for her will somehow

get this weirdness out of your system,

then, I guess, go ahead.

All right! I love it

when we're on the same page.

Yee-haw!

Okay, my songwriting committee,

thanks for agreeing to help me out.

Now, Ruth's favorite song is Iditarod Rod's

"Night of A Thousand Dogs."

So I'm thinking what about a song called

"The Night of A Hundred Dogs"? Thoughts?

Ham, you're a singer in a band. Hit me with some advice.

Love your idea, but it might be a little...

the same song.

So I need a totally new idea?

Maybe. As far as I can tell,

a lot of country songs are just a list of objects, like...

Okay, well, let me try.

Very... provocative.

And the songs have a lot of heartbreak.

Yeah. Dad, you've had a lot of bad luck

in the romance department. Talk to me.

Well, as you know, I dealt with my heartbreak

by locking myself in my room and smelling a cushion

your mother often sat on.

But I think in country songs, the protagonist usually just

drinks whiskey and occasionally shoots a friend.

And you know what, it's important to dress the part.

It wasn't until I donned the blue overalls

that I really found my character

in the school production of Minions in Space.

I knew you geniuses could help me.

Gonna head to the guest house with a little sippin' whiskey,

channel Iditarod Rod

and write the best country song

since "Pardon My Fartin'."

Well, it looks great,

and the best part is

there's so much gross stuff in this one

we literally cannot eat it.

Yep. White flour, chicken anus,

something called "poor man's eels,"

goat cheeks, ground cow eyes.

Don't look at me!

- Don't look at me! - Nobody look at anyone!

Hello, Quinn.

Anyone in particular you're shopping for today?

Actually, I was leafing through this book,

and a Stüssy "S" doing a keg stand

smeared off on my hand.

And why did our library have a book called

Growing Old Gracefully?

Because you can never be too prepared.

Ten dollars, please.

Well, good luck finding anything better.

We're the only game in town, sister.

Henry, I don't think we should talk to the customers like that.

My hand is getting tired. I'm done for the day.

Bethany, you want to make the big bucks,

you got to play ball.

And by that I mean you got to draw testicles.

Put 'em on anything you want.

A spaceship, a nun, Count Chocula.

I'm not a machine. You can't force art or whatever.

Look at these penises. They have no joy in them.

What are you even talking about?!

She's right. They're workaday penises at best.

I-I don't think it's right

taking allowance money for these.

Can it, Moon.

These kids will buy whatever we tell them to buy.

And, Bethany, I see what game you're playing.

We'll give you more money, okay?

Hello, everyone. I was just thinking about

how magical it is to have a fun project like this

with my very best friends.

Russell, you're fired. Your cut's going to Bethany now.

But I just ordered my mom's boyfriend Jamie

a jerky tasting crate.

Henry, you can't just fire Russell.

Can't I? Well, you're out, too!

Anybody else got something to say?

Yes. I love this kind of chaotic energy,

and may I add to it by saying I quit.

Come on, let's get out of here, guys.

Fine, see if I care. I don't need any of you.

You'll see. I can do it myself.

I'm gonna trace butt cheeks all the way to the bank.

I'm an empire of one.

An empire of one!

He flew too close to the ass

and it swallowed him whole.

Well, it was a wonderful day.

We met a man whose cousin's brother-in-law

dated a champion sled racer's daughter in the '90s.

I hope you got an autograph.

Well, howdy, y'all.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Hello, Jerry, you old cowpoke.

You old, plate of soup.

What is this?

Now, y'all might have heard 'round the saloons

that I was working on a right fine country song

for my mother-in-law.

- You were? - Sweetie, maybe you

need to take your vertigo pill and lay down.

Nonsense. I'm not verti-goin' nowhere,

little lady.

Why, I feel as sturdy as a spittoon full of orange juice.

You see, I was fixin' to sing the song tomorrow

at the Iditarod, but the song is so dang good

it just couldn't wait.

So I galloped on over here to fill your ear troughs

with my water music.

Two, four, three.

He's nude.

Mom, I think we ought to get back to your hotel right now.

Yep. Yep.

Well, well, well, seems my guitar

is playing where the sun don't shine.

I'm fine. Thank you kindly.

Now I'm gonna take a quick five and...

Boy.

Honeybee, could you give me and Wolf a second alone?

Mom, you do not have to do this.

Thank you for picking the guitar shards

out of my butt, Mother Ruth.

Wolf, I got to ask. Why have you been acting

so strangely around me?

I don't know, exactly.

But ever since I married Honeybee,

I get really nervous around you,

and then I do something very weird.

And I don't know why it's just you.

I mean, I'm fine around Louis.

Well, I got to wonder if maybe you're fine around Louis

because you have a normal dad,

so you know how to act around a dad.

But you've never had a...

Motorcycle?

I was gonna say a normal mom.

- Yeah, I've never had that or a motorcycle. - Sure.

Look, Wolf, from what I understand,

your mom was a bit wild.

And I'm willing to bet she never set boundaries with you.

Well, I mean, I wasn't allowed to drink her vodka,

but otherwise, anything I did was fine.

Actually, the crazier I acted, the more she seemed to like me.

So...

Yeah, okay, I think I get it now.

You know, while I'm not judging Kathleen,

I doubt we would have gotten along too well.

But she's not here anymore, and I am.

So I guess I'm kind of your mother figure now.

And I do have boundaries.

Sorry. And, Wolf, boundaries are a lot like curtains.

Sometimes they're open, sometimes they're closed,

but in my opinion, they're always good to have.

You don't have to act crazy to get my attention.

You already have it.

You make my daughter happy, and that makes me happy.

And believe it or not, you already have my approval.

So you don't have to dump a milkshake on your head

to get it.

Yeah, it would've made more sense with the dance,

- but I-I see what you're saying. - Good.

Now, why don't you put on some underpants, have a rest,

and then write me a better country song

for the Iditarod tomorrow?

Wait, you want me to sing you a country song?

Of course. Country music is the dirt road to my heart.

I knew it.

Well, we did it. We got the cake here.

And no reason why we shouldn't.

I don't even want to know what's in this one.

Good.

Okay, I hear that Toast and his team

are just a few miles away.

But while we wait, Wolf Tobin is going to sing

a country song he wrote for his visiting mother-in-law.

- Hell yeah! - Howdy, partners.

I wrote this song for a-a very special lady.

Not my special lady,

but the special lady that my special lady

came out of. Anyway, I hope you like it.

Aw, that's nice.

Come on, Ruth, get up here.

Ruth Shaw, the best dang mom-in-law.

Yee-haw!

Here they come, Toast and his team.

Toast! Toast! Toast! Toast!

Just remember, when I open the cake container,

hold your breath and look away.

Okay, Ham, open her up.

- That's my cake! - Dad, come back here!

- Share. - Save some for me.

Bitten again by greatness.

What a privilege.

Well, on the plus side, looks like Lone Moose is getting

another historical marker.

I can't wait to see it on my next visit.

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