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Diondra Tundra coming to you live

from Lone Moose's Fat Bear Week headquarters.

We're halfway through the week, and local favorites

Bearon Stone, Harry Smiles,

and Mangela Likes-Berries are going strong

as they try to topple our champ of champs,

The Kid.

The Kid! That's my guy.

And me. I'm one of Dad's guys as well.

Okay, babe, calm down.

But shaking things up,

last night a new bear lumbered onto the scene

up at Hulls Falls.

They call him The Hunk,

and he's putting the reigning champion on notice.

And I'm putting The Hunk on notice

that he is not good.

Harsh, Dad.

So come on down to the VFW again tonight

to place your bets on which bear will

tip the scales and be crowned Fattest Bear

at the final weigh-in this weekend.

Yeesh, all this bear propaganda makes me feel like

you reds are stumping for Mother Russia.

Good morning, Dirtrude.

Pardon our enthusiasm,

but it is Lone Moose Fat Bear Week.

In my day, the only thing we did involving bears

was kill and eat 'em.

Well, now, instead of eating them,

we see how much they eat

before they go into hibernation.

And you can even gamble on which bear is gonna end up

weighing the most.

Dirt, you just let me or Judy know

if you want to go all in on one of our furry friends.

We are Zoya's apprentice bookies.

You want some action on Beary Steenburgen?

Let me tell you, she's the dark horse.

Please, everyone's a pretender compared to The Kid.

He's a true legend. He's smart, stunning,

he's survived being hit by two trains,

and he's won Fat Bear 11 years running.

We stan a train-damaged king.

If you love this bear so much, Beef, why don't you marry him?

You joke, but I did make Dad a wedding cake

with a topper of The Kid eating Dad.

I loved that cake. And I love all of you.

It's amazing that we all get to be here

on this big, crazy, space marble together.

Okay, secret family meeting now.

Aunt Dirt, can we use your bunker?

- Ten bucks. - Dirt.

Now it's a hundred.

Guys, real talk.

Dad is in a Beef glow. Right?

What the hell is a Beef glow?

Well, when Dad is depressed, we call it a Beef melt,

- but a glow... - It usually means

that something truly exciting and completely unexpected

has come into his life.

And Beef glows are very rare.

He's only been in a glow once in my lifetime.

When he saw Dionne Warwick at the airport.

I figured his good mood was just a side effect

of Lone Moose Fat Bear Week.

I wish that's all it was.

Moon, you know why Dad is in a Beef glow?

I do.

It's a reason so dark and ominous,

I can barely speak it.

Speak it, hoss.

Debbie Van told me.

She was working on a school project

at her dad's house... We had to create dioramas

about the dangers of vape smoke...

And she needed some cotton balls.

Gorgeous idea, go on.

But her dad was out,

so she walked over to her mom's house

unannounced and...

Mom? Moon's dad?

Holy hell, Dad and Carissa are dating?

And bathing?

Man. What a lucky lady.

Snagging a middle-aged divorced father of four? Jackpot.

How long has this been going on?

I don't know and I never want to know.

I'm actually gonna go halfsies with Debbie

on a memory eraser from Men in Black 3.

She found one on Facebook Marketplace.

Well, seems like Dad isn't ready to tell us about this yet,

so let's just keep it under our hats and play it cool.

God, Dad! We know you're dating Carissa

and that's why you're glowing, and we're very happy for you,

- and Debbie told Moon about the sensual bath. - Well...

- Judy. - Very cool.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry. I-I... Pretend I never said that.

Exactly. Dad, we know about your secret girlfriend,

but you don't have to talk about it.

Well, funny you should call her that

because she's actually not my girlfriend... yet.

Damn. Okay. We got a player on our hands.

But I'm going to ask Carissa to be my girlfriend

this very night during the Lone Moose Fat Bear meetup.

And the player plays his hand.

She's serving coffee

at the Axel Cream, Donut King food truck at the event,

so I'm gonna pull her aside and pop the question.

Man, I wish I had more time to organize a flash mob.

I don't think that'll be necessary, Wolf.

I'll just ask Carissa to be my girlfriend

and then... I don't know, probably kiss her.

Hello, Child Services? Do you offer curbside pickups?

Ham. Ham. You'll never believe what I just saw.

No, was it the film A Walk to Remember?

- It really rocked me, too. - No.

It was two women kissing. In the middle of town.

And I'm not talking a little peck on the cheek.

It looked like one of 'em was trying to take

the other one's tonsils out with her tongue.

So, what's the big deal? That's very common now.

Well, it's one thing to hear that

and another to see it out in the open.

Back in my day, we had to be secretive about everything.

You'd catch eyes across a room,

hurry outside to do stuff by a dumpster,

and then pretend it never happened.

Well, times changed while you were down in your bunker

for 60 years.

We can be gay in public now.

There are even gay parades, gay ski weeks,

the two gays turtles at the zoo,

Sheldon and Terry, gay bars...

Shut up and say that again. There are gay bars here?

Are they traps? Did you mean gays behind bars?

No... Well, I mean, the gay turtles at the zoo

are technically behind bars, but they seem happy.

Okay, well, as my only known gay relative,

I'm relying on you to...

to, take me to one of these, places.

I can't go to a bar, Aunt Dirt.

I'm underage and I don't have a fake I.D.

Please, Moon and I turn your room for contraband

once a week.

You got a fake I.D., Ham.

Or should I say, "Timberger Kribbins"?

Okay, you know what? It was supposed to say,

"Timothy Coolman," but the guy under the docks who makes them

- is a little hard of hearing. - Figure out where we should go

and be ready to drive my sweet ass there tomorrow.

Um, okay.

And I got about 60 years of gay backed up in here,

so expect a late night.

Santiago, what you want to do

is put a dime on the 'dog.

I thought they were bears?

I mean the underdog. This long shot is a sure thing.

Look, I shouldn't even be telling you this,

but just give me 20 bucks and I'll give you

- double or nothing. - Try to make it double.

The Kid's off to a bit of a slow start this year, Beef?

He's just napping confidently 'cause he knows

he'll make up for it later.

- He's The Kid. - And there's The Hunk.

He's getting a little too close

to The Kid's fishing spot for my taste.

Yeah, he's in big trouble when The Kid wakes up.

Here she comes.

The future Mrs. My Dad's Girlfriend.

And who's that?

No. He's so...

Stunning? Woof.

Donut King? More like Duke of Doing it for Me, am I right?

Normally this is where I'd say "Wolf," but you're not wrong.

Hey. What's up, weirdo?

Hello, Carissa.

Beef, this is Axel.

The doughnut guy I'm working with all week?

What up, man?

Hello. You must be Axel.

Yep, that's what I just said.

Okay, somebody get me a beer, please.

- I got ya. - I got...

Wait, Redbeard, avast me hearty, what will you drink?

Well, I'll...

I'll just get you a beer. Argh.

Axel does voices for all the doughnuts.

The jelly-filleds are British.

That's a jelly good doughnut, ol' chap.

Ha. Ha! Funny!

So, Beef, your text said you wanted to run something by me?

Yes. Maybe we could step...

fingers.

- Step fingers? - Hey.

Cheers to a great day, Carissa.

We make such a good team.

Sorry, man. Were you, saying something?

Yeah. He was gonna ask me something.

I was... not.

Beef, are you okay?

Me? Yeah. Yes.

But now I, Now, I unfortunately have to go.

- Now? - Yes, now.

Goodbye to you.

Okay. Bye.

Come on, Kid.

You can't just let the new guy have your fish.

I can't watch.

"Axel Cream, Donut King."

Holy Helen Mirren. Who is this guy?

Axel? Carissa?

Ignore him, Axel.

He's just some boring non-doughnut man

I used to bathe with.

But I don't want to bathe, I want to dunk.

Axel.

Now That's What I Call Music!

Come on, Kid. You got to get up.

You got to eat something.

There he is. Alaska's Next Top Dad-el.

Yikes.

- What's, what's up, Papa? - Nothing's up.

Beef, are you still upset because Carissa was hanging out

with that doughnut guy yesterday?

Is that why you didn't ask her to be your girlfriend,

and why you refused to talk to anyone

the whole way home in the car?

No, that gorgeous jerk didn't upset me at all.

He has nothing to do with why

I didn't ask Carissa to be my girlfriend.

And I didn't dream about him, that's a damn lie.

Beef, hon, Carissa likes you, she's dating you.

Sure, that Axel's a New York ten...

Aka a Lone Moose 85...

- Not helping, hon. - Copy that.

But Dad, the only way to put this irrational fear behind you

is to rip off that sticky love Band-Aid

and tell Carissa how you feel.

Or I could fight him.

No, Beef, Wolf's right. You're spinning out.

Just talk to Carissa,

- you'll feel better. - Maybe you're right.

I'll try again at the VFW tonight.

I'll-I'll, I'll talk to her. With words.

Okay, but also, brush your hair.

Right. Right.

Okay.

Axel's not a threat.

Just gonna go talk to her with words.

They're just laughing. No big deal.

People who aren't having sex with each other

often share a laugh.

Look at the Golden Girls.

Dear God.

- My God! - No. No.

- No! - Beef. Beef?

What in the world?

Hey, there, Beef. You taking off already?

Yeah, I left the iron on,

and-and my stove also on.

I'm extremely sick

and my cat is sick, so I got to go.

Just as well, our boy is not looking good.

The Hunk took his fishing spot right out from under him.

- The Kid just wandered off. - Is that so?

Maybe I'll switch over and root for this new guy.

- He is kind of impressive. - No, he isn't.

He's just new, and handsome.

And his jokes aren't funny

and he hasn't been hit by a single train

and his British doughnut accent isn't even authentic.

That bear does accents?

Maybe I should have bet on him.

Thanks again for offering to bring this old fruit bucket

back to the supermarket, Ham.

I did not offer, but it is my pleasure.

And if this place doesn't toot your horn,

hey, we can go toot elsewhere.

I can't wait to get in there

and fill my cart with gal-ceries,

and I will not be respecting the ten-item limit.

The music is gonna blow my head speakers.

I was hoping to get a grope, not a stroke.

Sorry, I guess it is a little overwhelming.

What? No, more like underwhelming.

In the words of my new favorite singer Shania Twain,

"This don't impress me much."

Okay, on to the next. I'm happy to be your gay escort.

That... that didn't sound right,

but you catch my drift. Anyway... Okay, let's go.

I'm underdressed

and underwhelmed. Onward.

Edgar Allen No thank you.

Lucky Lass?

More like "long line kiss my ass."

Let's go.

There he is.

You scooted off from the VFW earlier without saying goodbye,

so I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.

It's great. Perfect, actually.

Good. And things with Carissa?

Her? Yeah, I'm thinking maybe it was a good thing

I didn't ask her to be my girlfriend yet.

Yeah. Why?

I mean, she's so busy with her coffee and Axel.

Wh... What's in the backpack?

Are you planning to run away?

In the style of Gertrude Warner's The Boxcar Children?

The rails will eat you alive.

No, son, I'm... I'm going to scare that new,

out of town bear off The Kid's fishing rock.

What? Dad, you always told us,

"If you see a bear, leave him there."

And now you're gonna do the literal opposite of that?

Someone has to set things right.

Dad, this is a terrible plan. You could die.

And I feel like you're-you're actually just

upset about Carissa.

Those two things are entirely unrelated.

I'm doing this to defend The Kid's honor.

Well, th... I'm coming with you.

A-And then trying to stop you again.

What's going on here? Wolf,

I thought we were gonna order a pizza

and watch Canada's Creepiest Cousins.

Sorry, babe, but Dad's saying he's gonna go fight a bear

because he's paranoid about Carissa

hanging out with that dreamy Donut King,

so I'm gonna tag along and try to stop him.

Men will literally go into an active bear habitat

with a backpack full of fish

before they talk about their feelings.

- Anyway, please don't die. - I promise we won't.

But if we do, please call in and vote for Darush

to be kicked off this week. He ain't even close to creepy.

Aw, Department of Fish and Wild Fart.

- The trail's closed. - Dad?

Wait up.

Okay so, once again,

I just want to say, you know, gently,

that, maybe, you are over-identifying

with The Kid's struggle with this new alpha bear right now

in a way that might, you know,

result in your actual death, so...

Wolf, I do not identify with The Kid, okay?

Sure, we both spent our whole lives in Lone Moose,

and we both love to fish,

and sure, yes, fine, we have both been hit by two trains.

You've been hit by two trains?

Yes, once by the ride-on-top at the mall,

and once by a small coal freighter when your mother

invented a game called "Choo Choo Smoocharoo."

Well, that sounds fun as hell.

Here we go. Switch the bear cameras off.

- Hey, what the hell? - You want to make a wager

on how long this feed is down?

It's either 10-1 or 2-3, your call.

And what's that, Zoya? Jacks are wild?

I said nothing to you.

Now, no one will be the wiser.

And no one will see us die. Hooray...

I'm guessing this is not your dream bar, either?

Maybe I'm too old. I missed my time,

and now I should probably just stick to skin mags

and waiting for death.

I can't let you give up that easy.

I got to get you living your gay life to the fullest.

It's okay, Ham. Let's just head down to the dock,

so I can throw beer bottles at the seagulls.

Normally, I'd say no,

but I can tell you really need it right now.

- Hey, Londra. - Ooh. Hi, Ham.

And you must be Aunt Dirt.

Pipe down, you're spooking the gulls.

Sorry about her. I tried to take her to her first gay bar,

- but nothing struck her fancy. - Or my pants seat.

Been there. The only place I even bother with anymore

is the Wooly Ma'am. It ain't much,

but they have adequate lighting and you can hear yourself think.

Well, that's checking my box.

How come I didn't see The Wooly Ma'am

listed anywhere online?

Well, 'cause it's a speakeasy.

Also, most of the patrons don't know how to use the Internet.

Tell me where this infamous Wooly Ma'am is

or, so help me God, I will blow up your boat.

No. No, no, no, Dirt.

"I will blow up your boat, please."

I'm just saying, maybe Carissa thinks

this Axel guy's a total clown.

I mean, he's only six-foot-four.

This has nothing to do with Carissa.

I'm scaring this new bear off The Kid's territory because...

well, you don't just show up from out of town

and fish at another bear's fishing rock.

Especially a bear who's spent years

thinking about that fishing rock

and was actually hesitant

to even go fishing in the first place

because the last time he did,

he got very, very hurt, and...

The Hunk.

It's go time. No one takes what belongs to The Kid

without going through me.

Dad, while that did sound extremely cool,

maybe we should think this through and...

Or just go. That's good, too.

There you go, you stupid, strong idiot.

Just go take someone else's fish

like you always do.

Wolf, did you see that? It worked.

Dad, he's coming back your way.

Dad!

No. It's hunk versus hunk.

Dad, you got to try to save yourself.

- Grab the bear spray! - Bear spray.

No, no, no!

Dad! No!

I'm coming, Dad.

Online lifeguarding course, don't fail me now.

Get your own damn Dad, log. This one's spoken for.

Okay, help me to shore.

I need to get back out there and fight for The Kid.

Are you out of your beautiful mind?

You're not going to win a fight against a 700-pound bear.

Only Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson could,

and he did in that movie Bear Fight,

and he humiliated that dumbass bear, but he's the only one.

Right. Fine. Yes. Fine.

We're, looking for The Wooly Ma'am.

- Password? - Lesbian.

Close enough. Through that dressing room.

Whoa.

Dirt, do you... like it?

You know, it's not so...

Hi, there, new face. I'm Denise.

And I'm...

God. Crap.

Room spinning. I'm out of here!

Wolf, I...

I can't believe I did that. And for what?

To avoid possibly, maybe getting my heart broken again?

Yeah. We all do crazy things when we're in love. I mean...

...not like this.

I don't want you to think this was in any way normal.

Right. I tried to fight a bear.

What was I thinking? I mean...

I got to accept that guys are gonna like Carissa.

She's very fun.

I mean, she can bong, like, three beers in a minute.

I get it, though. I mean, there were tons of other Shreks,

Donkeys, and sexy Gingerbread Men

writing to Honeybee on the movie quote message board

when we first met.

Yeah? Well, how did you handle it?

Well, all I could do was shoot my shot,

be myself, and hope the onion peeled in my favor.

Look, dating's a gamble, and your heart's the...

the little, you know, gambling circle

that I-I want to say they call a...

a betting cracker? Or, no. A wager wafer?

I think I drowned my poker knowledge in the creek.

Anyway, overall, it's a bet worth taking.

I'm afraid you might be right, son.

I'm gonna take this path back into town

and go knock on Carissa's door and tell her how I feel.

Hell yeah.

None the wiser.

All right.

Now really what the hell?

Is that Beef?

Aunt Dirt?

Aunt Dirt is not here right now.

This is the skirts talking.

You, you want to tell us what happened?

I thought if I found the right bar,

I'd be flirtier than a Pan Am flight attendant,

but I don't need a change of scene,

I need a change of Dirt.

I'm so freaked out about just being me,

out in the open.

I'm still most comfortable in a small, dark room,

where no one can see me.

Almost like a... closet?

No, you bigot, like a bunker.

Like the one I lived in for 60 years.

For what it's worth, being terrified

is par for the course, Dirt. At least at the beginning.

Really? But, Ham, you're so out

and, I want to say, proud.

Sure am. But it takes some work.

So, you can live in a skirt rack forever, I guess,

but I think you want more than just a bunker full of nudie mags

and some occasional dumpster diving for love.

Yeah. I do want more.

Well, then, let's get you out from under these skirts

and into someone else's.

Hello, again. Very sorry I ran off earlier.

It's okay. Took me five tries

before I could even order a drink in this place.

- What's your name, darling? - I'm Dirtrude.

I recently lived underground in a bunker

for 60 years, where I ate only beans

and drank only my own purified urine.

I enjoy civil liberties, throwing bottles at seagulls,

and a sturdy gin gimlet.

Hey, three for three.

Well, then, in the words of

my new favorite singer, Shania Twain,

"Honey, I'm home."

Beef?

Carissa, I'm sorry. I have cheated.

- What? You did? - No.

No, no, not like that. What I mean is,

I cheated at Fat Bear Week.

Or I-I tried to cheat.

- But then was attacked by a bear. - Beef!

I was feeling threatened

by your very attractive colleague, Axel Cream,

and I chose to dump my feelings

onto a handsome, young, virile out-of-town brown bear.

This makes no sense. Continue.

And I tried to fight that bear, and he did almost kill me,

but I think what I really want to say is just...

Will you be my girlfriend?

Yes.

Also, Beef, you do not have to worry about Axel.

- I don't? - No, he's not my type.

I only like big hairy idiots

who try to fight actual bears for me.

In a final weigh-in shocker,

The Kid took his 12th Fat Bear victory.

Making The Hunk look like a punk.

Looks like The Kid's still got it.

Yeah, and I'm about to get it.

Hey, Dad?

Have you seen my...

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