Original subtitles

Honeybee, if you stare at that dividend check any harder,

we're gonna officially be a throuple.

I'm in.

I still can't believe I get a bunch of money

in dividends from the Oil companies

every year just for living in Alaska.

Yep, It's like Christmas, only Santa is the oil industry,

which is, yes, bleeding our state dry

of its prehistoric goop.

And in the process, soaking our puffins in grease,

diarrhea-ing our waters with toxic runoff

until the Earth herself sobs for relief.

- She's a lot of fun? - Nope, I am not.

And, you know what, proud of it.

I refuse to suckle from the diseased teat of daddy oil.

So I always rip up my dividend check.

And I always collect those check scraps,

tape 'em together and deposit them into a savings account.

And Judy pretends not to know about that

so she can yell at us.

Well, this year the only yelling I'll be doing

is during my one-woman play, Divi-Dead-End.

I need to preserve my instrument to scream "you're complicit"

at individual audience members.

Sounds... entertaining?

It's not supposed to be entertaining!

It's supposed to stop people

from taking oil company bribe money.

Okay, so, what are the people who aren't

ripping up their checks doing with their money?

Well, I do feel a little guilty

about taking money from the fossil fuel industry,

so I always like to throw it away

on something truly frivolous.

The bigger and dumber it is, the less guilty I feel.

Last year's industrial churro maker was hella dumb and big.

Indeed, but the cinnamon- and sugar-coated burns

all over my body were ultimately not worth it.

- I want in on Team Big and Dumb. - I'm in, too.

I just saw Transformers. We should buy a Bumblebee.

Well, Judy has a point about the dividend feeling bribe-y,

but we're not throwing our cash away.

Wolf and I are actually using our dividend

to invest in Alaska.

We're starting a business together.

We're gonna open a gym in the guest house.

And you know me and Crispin are obsessed with

that gritty restaurant drama Yes Chef.

So we decided to spend our dividend checks

on expensive kitchen knives and chef's clothes

and open a smoothie stand for the gym.

That's the sound of you suckling that diseased oil teat.

Judy!

Don't take the crude if you don't want the rude.

I'll continue to chastise you like that tonight at my play.

I expect you'll all be there in the audience

to support me screaming at you?

I wish we could be,

but the gym opens in two days,

so we got to... do that.

Yup, yeah, and Crispin's gonna teach me some...

restaurant stuff, so...

I don't have a flimsy excuse, Judy.

I just don't want to go.

Well, I'll be there, Jude.

And I look forward to enduring your art.

Look at everyone flaunting their dividend purchases.

It makes me sick.

You're guilty! Come to my premiere.

Judy, Kima and I, we friend-joyed your rehearsal,

but the show was kind of a... downer.

Seriously, if we weren't your friends

and also your stage crew,

I don't know if we would have stayed.

Hold on. You're disgusting! Come to my show.

Yup, this is one of Anne Hathaway's actual tiaras

from The Princess Diaries.

I also got her partially-eaten onion bagel

from The Devil Wears Prada.

I'm a real Anne-Fan.

So many splurges to choose from.

Our purchase needs to be the perfect combination

of flashy, dangerous and stupid.

Imagine one of the number boxes from Deal or No Deal

but with a rhinestone axe inside.

Something like that.

Do you want a 12-foot mummy with big jugs?

I'm not saying no.

It's stupid, but is it a complete waste of money?

- Not to me. - I think we'll keep looking.

Don't take any offers on the hot doll

without calling us first.

Ask me about Alaska's

fattest cats in baskets.

Meryl Streep is keeping sheep.

She's ready.

People of Alask...

Mr. Golovkin. We need to hold a few minutes

for the audience to take their seats.

This is your audience, Judy.

And as your faculty chaperone, may I remind you

that you only have this theater for 45 more minutes,

so I would advise you to start your screaming.

I am the yearly Alaska dividend check!

Shame on you! And you!

And... you again?

What's the point? No one's here.

I think you're doing great, Jude.

Aw, forget it. Show's over! The end!

Your daughter is very talented.

Hey, hon. I'm here to pick up Henry.

Okay.

Henry...

Everything okay, Judy?

If you must know, no one came to my very important play

about the evils of Big Oil last night.

I thought I could open people's eyes

by shoving my art into them.

Like how Anthony Hopkins got everyone

to compost their Halloween pumpkins

by doing that monologue in Central Park.

But no one showed.

I've kind of got the opposite problem myself.

Our Triple-C-minor-league hockey team,

the Lone Moose Puck Chuckers, is going under.

But not because we don't have fans.

We can get a crowd, but our sponsor dropped out.

Of an airplane. With no parachute.

A crowd?

And, your league has the usual,

breaks between periods, right?

With some kind of entertainment?

- Yup. - Interesting.

You know, um, I have some bucks.

- You do? - Yeah.

My dad saves my dividend check every year,

and I was planning to never touch it,

but actually this maybe makes sense.

What kind of money would I need to sponsor the audience?

I mean, the team.

Well, our yearly budget is about 13 grand.

And to be honest, half of that's for beer.

We use a low-grade buzz instead of pads.

You know what, Mrs. Tuntley? I'll do it.

- Do what? - Sponsor the team.

You need bucks and I need butts.

The Puck Chucks are back in biz.

All right. Then I'll see you at our game tomorrow night.

It's at 8:00, but we start drinking at 4:15.

Henry!

So, you're really the hockey team sponsor now?

Yep. Check cleared this morning, and I sent everyone

a very fun e-card welcoming myself to the team.

I enjoyed the one you sent me that said,

"Damn, Daniel, back at it again with a Happy Father's Day."

I didn't understand it, but that's what made it exciting.

All right, I got to get in there and size up the crowd.

Next week, Divi-dead-end takes center ice.

- What the puck? - Judy, you made it!

I got put in the sin bin for nut tapping the ref again,

but I'll be back on the ice in a jiff.

Question.

Where are the dozens of loyal fans?

I never said they were loyal.

We absolutely suck this year, so they all stopped coming.

What the hell, Dorothy? I need the fans back.

I'm trying to save the Earth

with a one-woman show here.

Well, maybe if we made the playoffs

the fans would come back, but we're in such a hockey-hole

stats-wise that I think there's a better chance

that the ref will go for an eye exam!

That's two more in the bucket, for you, Dot.

- I'll put two more in your mom's bucket! - Hey!

Woof. Are you drunk?

Of course I'm drunk, I'm playing hockey.

- Aren't you drunk? - I'm 16.

16 beers in? Wow, shoot, I gotta catch up.

Go grab me three.

Well, I can see why you guys can't win.

No one's passing, no one's defending.

You need to play a 200-foot game.

You guys are barely playing a five-foot game.

You know hockey? I thought you were more of a curl girl.

I'm not allowed anywhere near curling anymore.

It's the finest game in the world,

but it makes me a full psycho.

What? You guys are fighting with each other?

Dot, you're in.

Wow. Where's your coach?

- Prison. - Oof.

Looks like if I want an audience for my show,

I'm gonna have to coach these freaks myself.

I wonder how many hockey teams Greta Thunberg coaches.

Probably a bunch.

Well, our dividend money

is ready to pump some iron.

And our gym name absolutely rules.

And I can't wait to start each day

getting a couples' green drink at the smoothie stand

and then ending it by wringing

the sweat out of each other's headbands.

Ooh, and whenever we have a break,

let's spend it walking hand in hand

on the side-by-side treadmills.

I've been thinking on what our vibe should be.

Gains.

Gains. Love it.

Getting gains, offering gains,

just gains all day.

We are really using our dividends

to give back to the people,

and what we're giving them is gains.

Two treadmills, little towels

rolled up in a sweaty bowl of ice...

And our rad motivational poster that says

"It's Jacked O'clock Somewhere."

Not to mention a full-on smoothie bar.

Hey, you guys ready to blend up

some sick smoothies in the old outhouse

- or what? - Yes, Chef.

That's just one of the fun restaurant things

- we learned to say from TV. - All right, time to blast

some C+C Music Factory and get ready for

that after-work rush.

Hi. I saw your ad in the Lone Moose Wind.

I've been wanting to get some gains.

Is this that kind of a gym?

Boy, is it. You're about to get rock-hard, brother.

Hell yeah.

This is it. This is the one.

We use this to sneak right past the Russki navy,

next thing you know, we're sittin' on Putin's lap

snipping his nuts off.

I love it, but let's not buy

the first rotted-out Soviet submarine

that catches our eye.

Let's go over to the boat yard in Whippleton,

Naval-tons, and do some comparison shopping.

Great call. Maybe they got a midsized aircraft carrier.

Willkómmen. Bienvenue.

Why are we having hockey practice here?

And why aren't we drunk?

I'll be the one asking the questions.

My theater exercises work on the stage,

and they'll work on the ice.

Now, do you remember what it feels like to win?

I do. It was a summer day.

And she smiled at me...

No, not like that, Santiago!

I mean win at hockey.

No.

Look, I decided to sponsor this team

because I was told you have fans,

and I want to force those fans to watch my one-woman show

about Big Oil dividends.

But in order to get the fans back,

you guys have to start winning.

So I'm taking over as coach,

and I'm making some big changes around here.

First of all, no more drinking.

- Mrs. Tuntley! - It's Miller Lite. Grow up.

- What's in the other one? - Bourbon.

Put it down, and get up here on stage.

It's time to start acting like a hockey team.

Okay, now, if you're gonna start working as a team,

I need you to learn a little saying

we have in my improv group, Nutty Nutty Boing Boing,

and that saying is, "Yes and."

- Well, that's dumb. - Yes... and you're wrong.

Today we're not gonna pass a puck around.

We're gonna pass words around.

And tell a story one word at a time.

I'll start. I...

- Hate... - This.

Judy... is dumb!

- One word. - Fine.

- Judy... -Is... - Very...

-Very... Dumb! See? Teamwork.

We told a story. Now let's work on our animal spines.

Everybody close your eyes, and imagine an animal.

- I can only see my Nonna's face. - Try harder!

- Wait. I'm Miss Piggy. - Yes! Yes, you are!

Chef, I asked you to prep.

- You call this prep? - Sorry, Chef.

- I'm terrible. - That's right.

Your banana work is a joke.

Again. Again!

You're pushing me to my breaking point.

I'm hardest on the ones I believe in the most.

- Again! - I'll take an Apple Proteini.

- Chef, fire one Apple Proteini. - One Apple Proteini all day!

- Yes, Chef! - Yes, Chef! -Yes, Chef!

- Not you. - Sorry, Chef.

There you are. I wanted to let you know,

a few people asked if they could come work out at night,

so even though we are already pretty busy,

- now we're open 24/7. - Amazing.

We'll just sleep in shifts so that our customers

can get rock hard around the clock.

Ooh, the treadmills are empty.

Should we do that hand in hand walk...

Give him a towel! Give him a towel!

I did a pretty comprehensive

body shave, so your drain is clogged.

And, so is the toilet. It wasn't me.

Back to the house I go for a plunger.

Couples treadmill raincheck.

Come on, don't look so down, Jude. Maybe we'll get a tie.

Ties are for Little League and Diane Keaton's formal attire.

Hey! Hey! Listen up, mother-chuckers!

- It's story time! - What!?

Tell. Me. A. Story.

We...

- Are... - Scoring...

- A... - Goal!

Yes.

And scene.

Okay, okay, calm down, everybody.

We've still got a lot of work ahead of us

to make the playoffs so I can have my play on.

Damn it. Ted Lasso makes it look so easy. Four wins.

That's how many it'll take to get into the playoffs.

No.

If we want to win, we can't let up.

Out of those uniforms and into these berets.

We're heading to the theater for extra practice.

Let's get trapped in a box called victory.

Animal spines!

Behind, behind, corner, behind!

Four blueberries all day.

- Eighty-six the acai. - Yes, Chef!

- Behind, corner, behind! - Yes, Chef!

All right, 30 seconds left.

We need just one more goal to get a win

and give me the chance to share Divi-dead-ends with

- with the world I'm going to save. - But, Jude,

we haven't scored

since they put that guy in as goalie.

They call him No Hole,

'cause you can't get a puck past him.

Also, rumor is he doesn't have a b-hole.

He's held in all his poop his whole life.

Okay, now I really wanna talk about that, but we gotta focus!

Here's the plan. You three, tell No Hole a story.

Golovkin, do that character you did during

our improv exercises yesterday.

But it's not ready. It'll never work.

Yes, and it will.

- You... - Have...

- Never... - Pooped!

No, I'm an old man who accidentally got on the ice.

Aah!

Yes!

-We're completely out of protein powder, Chef.

Chef, I-I have an idea.

I used to have ideas.

Before the kitchen squeezed them all out of me.

What if we used this shredded cheese and bacon as the protein?

My God. Do you mean...?

Yes. Savory smoothies.

- Never mind, it's dumb. - It's perfect.

We might finally get ourselves that Michelin Star.

Definitely. Let's go kiss near the croissants,

which are a metaphor for the layers of our love.

Yes, Chef.

- Behind, behind, corner. - Corner, corner.

I've got my 30-second break right now.

Wanna go grab a smoothie together?

I'd love to, but can we do it tomorrow at 4:00 a.m.?

Running a successful business

sure takes a lot out of you?

But it was a great way to invest our dividends and...

- I love it. - Yeah, me, too.

Hello! Excuse me.

Is this Rock Hard Gym?

I'm here for a health inspection.

No, no!

We aren't being shut down

because of an anonymous tip, are we?!

I would be so angry

and also surprised if that happened.

I did in fact receive two separate anonymous tips,

and while I would usually do a full inspection,

based on the fact that this gym is in no way licensed

and features a restaurant in a bathroom,

I'm gonna go ahead and shut 'er down.

- No. - Darn.

Everyone get the hell out!

Farewell, I'll always remember you all

as Rock Hard.

Honeybee, I have a confession.

I called in the anonymous tip.

Yeah, hon, I called in one, too.

- I thought that was pretty obvious. - You did?!

Yeah, I mean, it's nice to know that

we're great at business, but that was exhausting.

A classic tale of too many gains too soon.

And we never even took that treadmill stroll together.

Well, are you free now?

Hey, guys, you got a blow dryer?

My downstairs hairs are damp as hell.

Under the sink!

All right, Puck Chuckers,

I'd like to make a dramatic

and rousing speech, but I'm finally

doing my important play about dividends tonight,

so I'm going to conserve my energy.

But I will say this: it's been an honor to be your coach.

So you're... not our coach anymore?

I mean, I guess I am, but remember, I just did all of this

because I wanted an audience for my play.

But we just started not sucking.

And I know you can keep not sucking without me.

So, go puck 'em up.

Okay. You, too, Judy.

And now, some entertainment brought to you by the sponsor

of the Puck Chuckers, Jeffrey Tobin.

Judy Tubin!

No, wait, no, no. Sorry, that's...

Never mind, here I go.

I am the yearly Alaskan dividend check!

The one you take with your greedy little meat hooks.

You. And you!

I'm gonna use my meat hooks to get a beer.

What's that sound? The Earth dying.

Good, then I don't gotta watch this!

I've come to shame you. Shame!

My eyes!

- Hey, no, that's... - Bring back sports!

Bring back sports!

Bring back sports! Bring back sports!

All right, you heard 'em.

Let's give it up for Jeffrey Tambor!

Hey.

Judy, we wanted to let you know we won the game, hon.

Neat.

We play again tonight and...

well, we'd love to have our coach there.

Unfortunately, I have plans.

You see, I have to lay on this couch for the rest of my life

while Big Oil destroys Mother Earth

and all that lives upon it.

Judy, come on.

That's not the annoying idealist we know and love.

Divi-dead-end has some good ideas in it.

And I should know, I chaperoned rehearsal after

- endless rehearsal. - Okay, that's not exactly helping.

Well, you were honest with us about our hockey playing,

so I'm being honest with you about your performing.

You have something to say, Judy.

Something that people need to hear about Alaska

and about the money we just take,

but the way you're saying it, frankly, sucks.

Yeah. You gotta fix your delivery.

You can't start with shame.

You gotta start with entertainment.

Life is hard, and the dividends are a treat.

If you want to talk people out of taking 'em,

your show has gotta have some treats in it, too.

All your show needs is some zazz.

And since you used theater

to help us with hockey,

we were thinking maybe we can use hockey

to help you with your show.

I mean, there's a reason people like to watch sports.

They're big and dumb, but they are fun.

So we were thinking we help you with the zazz,

and then we perform with you

during the second intermission at tonight's playoff game.

Safety in numbers.

They can't shoot tee-shirt cannons at all of us.

They only have one.

So, what do you say, Judy?

I say yes! And...

I also say thank you.

Now, let's move this furniture

so we can expand our performance perimeter.

There she is. So here's the plan.

First, ditch the turtleneck

and the dumb check mask for a fun mascot costume.

People love that.

Who here likes the Puck Chuckers?

And who likes the Lumberjacks?

Who here likes Alaska?

Did you know Big Oil is ruining it?

Well, it is.

All right, now I'm gonna fall over and make you laugh

while you think about that. Whoa.

Sports fans love a gal in a short, sparkly dress.

Lucky for you, I was in Smurfs on Ice

for eight months in my twenties.

And there's one thing during a hockey game

that you know is gonna bring down the house.

Take that, Greedy Oil Pig!

That really hurt, Judy! Great job.

Here, put some ice on it.

And finally, you give 'em free stuff.

Shirt me!

Yes!

Well, Jude, turns out everyone was pretty happy

to endure your art.

Yeah. One woman even said

my show convinced her to donate her dividend check

to a good cause this year instead of spending it all

on cameos from Mark Cuban.

You convinced us, too.

Yeah, we're totes donating

- our dividend check next year. - Wow.

I mean, I wanted my show

to take down Big Oil entirely and save Alaska,

but changing three people's minds is pretty neat, too.

That's the spirit. And hey, the Puck Chuckers won.

Well, technically, the other team got so sloshed

during our show, several of them fell asleep on the ice,

but a win is a win.

I believe our ride is here.

So you guys really bought that?

You bet your ass we did.

Now let's ride it home.

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