Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

♪ He's a family guy! ♪

So, thanks to AI, here's a picture

of what JonBenet Ramsey would look like in a bikini today.

Wowza.

But first, would you like to spend the rest of your life alone?

Would you like your last meal to be a handful of red dirt?

Well, a local firm here in Quahog

is now accepting applications

to take a one-direction trip to Mars.

-Huh? -"One direction,"

as in, you stay there forever,

not as in the band.

The mission is being supported

by the Quahog Engineering and Scientific Organization,

or QuESO.

-Que? -That's QuESO,

the organization, not the Mexican cheese dip.

Mom. Guess what?

No, Meg.

I got us two tickets to laser Dua Lipa.

All of Dua Lipa's hits

synced up to a bunch of red and green laser doodles.

It's three hours.

We'll be stone-cold sober,

and it's in the middle of the day.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie, but I'm busy that day.

I haven't said what day it is yet.

Weekends are just really tough for me right now.

It's on a Tuesday.

Oh, yeah, you know what?

Tuesdays are just impossible. Wednesdays too.

And then, Thursday through Monday,

I'm pretty much just prepping for Tuesday.

I'm sorry, honey. Maybe next time.

And the cast of Suits, then and now.

Ah, look at that.

Yeah. Slight difference.

What's your cheapest morning-after pill?

It's called Plan C.

Nice. I get it.

Let me get that gift-wrapped.

Whoa! Who is this tall drink of water?

I, uh... I like your horn.

Is that okay to say?

Oh, well, thank you. I do try to moisturize.

-Come on, Stewie, let's... -Brian.

Leave the aisle and then come back

and ask for my autograph.

So, what part of Q-town are you from?

Oh, very hip. Right by that Thai fusion speakeasy

that used to be a needle exchange.

-I love it over there. -Uh, excuse me, sir.

-May I have your auto... -Not now.

I'm in a conversation. Wait for me outside.

Wait. No way.

Both of you guys are dryer safe?

Guys, are you feeling this?

Rupert, I just knew you two would vibe

the way we vibed at the drugstore.

And that never happens to me.

Guys. Is this...

Are we a... a throuple?

Oh, hey, Brian, you remember Made In from the pharmacy.

-Made In? -Yeah. See?

Yeah, I don't think that's a name.

I think that's just the words "made in"

with a sticker over the word "China."

Well, that's the name.

And they, that's right,

"they" are living with me and Rupert now.

Great, Stewie. Have fun with your toys.

I'm gonna go binge-surf Hinge in a dark room.

Don't listen to him. He doesn't accept you, Made In.

I accept you.

No, we accept you.

All right, who wants to get throup'd first?

-Oh, hey, Meg. -Hey, Mr. Quagmire.

So there's this Dua Lipa show.

-Oh, uh, no. -I've got two tickets,

and I was wondering if...

-No. -...you would want to go with me.

-It's this synchronized light show. -Stop asking.

-Honestly, it's high-tech. -I can't think of anything worse.

-You get to socialize... -Read my body language.

-...with other fans at intermission. -Hear what I'm saying.

-Meg. Meg. Meg. -What do you say?

Look me in the eye. The answer is no.

But you always say "no" is just a spicy "yes."

Stop telling people I said that!

-You want to go with me? -Meg, no.

-It's this synchronized light show. -Stop asking.

-It's high-tech. -I can't think of anything worse.

-You get to socialize... -Read my body language.

-...with other fans at intermission. -Hear what I'm saying.

-What do you say? -Look me in the eye. The answer is no.

But you always say "no" is just a spicy "yes."

Stop telling people I said that!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Dua Lipa's... outline.

Unfortunately, due to a technical glitch,

or an Eric, as we're calling them around here,

we're unable to play the music,

and will instead be playing

the audio book of The Joy Luck Club,

as read by Howard Stern.

"Feathers from a Thousand Li Away."

God, this is so hot.

I'm telling you, I go nuts for these Chinese babes.

Mom? What are you doing here?

I thought you were busy.

I'm sorry. There was a Groupon.

The moment it was $4 cheaper, I was powerless to say no.

"And she saw how quickly their eyes moved

"when she told them her idea for the Joy Luck Club."

Hey, she said the name of the thing in the thing.

I love that.

♪ It's a god-awful small affair ♪

♪ To the girl with the mousy hair ♪

♪ But her mummy is yelling "No" ♪

♪ And her daddy has told her to go ♪

♪ Take a look at the lawman beating up the wrong guy ♪

♪ Oh, man Wonder if he'll ever know ♪

♪ He's in the best-selling show ♪

♪ Is there life on Mars? ♪

Shut up, Meg.

But, Meg, why on earth would you want to go to Mars?

I made up my mind, and this is what I want.

You know what, Meg? You're right.

This will be good for you.

And if you're chosen, we'll miss you,

but you'll have our support.

Oh. Wow, thanks, Mom.

I appreciate that.

You see what I did there, Peter?

That is some next-level jujitsu parenting right there.

Oh, yeah, I get what you're going for.

Get rid of Meg, get some hot exchange student from Sweden.

Me and her, we flirt a little, we get something going.

And then one thing leads to another.

I cross a line, next thing you know,

we're all walking on eggshells.

Her dad calls from Sweden,

I can't understand a word he's saying.

He's either really happy or really mad.

No, Peter, listen.

Meg's just rebelling for attention.

I used to do the same thing.

I once felt Ted Turner over the pants

-right in front of my dad. -Very relatable.

But what I learned about parenting

from the the jacket of a book I didn't buy

is that when your child rebels,

you can't push back or they'll double down.

You just stay supportive,

let them learn their own lessons,

and they'll come crawling back to you in the end.

How is that different than what I said?

Plus, every lonely incel in the country

is applying to this thing.

She'll never be chosen.

How could you possibly have any energy this morning?

You're right. Time to greet this glorious day.

First, we'll grab avocado toast at Simone's

and then leisurely flip through the West Elm catalog

and circle everything we hate.

What do you say?

Shall we take our breakfast on the balcony?

When you're in a throuple, whatever house you're in

automatically grows a Juliet balcony

to lean against in your robe and boxers

with a hot flavored coffee and just sigh.

Ahh!

Welcome, recruits.

My name is Sergeant Bensinger, retired.

I drank lots of water at Camp Lejeune

and am now financially independent.

To start things off, I'm gonna say this one more time.

This is about a one-direction trip to Mars

and not about the pop band One Direction.

Come on, man!

Now then, this will be a cutthroat, exhaustive

and highly competitive selection process.

We're not just looking for the best

or the best of the best.

We're looking for the best of the best of the best.

Of the best.

Ah, crud!

If only he'd stopped at the previous "best."

All right, trainees.

It's very important to have a cool thing to say

the minute you set foot on Mars.

Meg, we'll start with you.

Did I do that?

Not bad.

We would also have accepted, "Whassup?"

Okay, trainees, as you may remember

from the movie The Right Stuff,

we'll need to collect a semen sample from each of you.

-But I... -No exceptions.

Figure it out.

Well, somehow, you did it. Everyone come back tomorrow,

you start the real training with the real guy. Bye!

The Martian environment is completely cold, harsh and inhospitable.

To train you to survive,

we found a similar environment.

An abandoned Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Anyway, as long as we're here,

feel free to just take whatever you want.

I don't really want anything.

That was kind of the whole problem.

Since there's no Wi-Fi on Mars,

we're gonna send you up there with a VCR

and you get to choose one tape.

Ah, yes.

Sidney Poitier and Tom Berenger

in Shoot to Kill.

A crackling tale of survival in the Pacific Northwest.

One man out for the law, one man out for revenge.

Letterboxed? Please.

I'm a pan-and-scan gal.

Arthur Penn's Target.

Starring Matt Dillon and a career-best Gene Hackman.

The game of espionage is played by a strict code.

But that code has been broken.

Running time, 117 minutes.

This has tape two of Titanic in it.

Oh, sorry about that.

Someone must have pulled an Eric.

Learn to love again with Under the Tuscan Sun,

featuring Diane Lane and Sandra Oh

at the tippy-top of her game.

When life gives divorcee Frances lemons,

she's off to Italy to make a Tuscan villa lemonade.

Rated PG-13 for sensual kissing and partial nudity.

Can't I just bring my laptop up there with me?

No!

Because then, I wouldn't have a job, stupid.

You know what? Give me the tape back.

You don't get a tape.

Ooh, look at that one.

Well, I know it's small, but this is Provincetown

on a July 4th weekend, Made In.

Beggars can't be choosers.

Hey, Stewie, you want to get lunch?

Give us a few minutes to washcloth our parts, Brian.

-We had a long night. -Whatever.

Oh, God! I can't breathe.

This is fine. This is okay.

As long as the throuple balcony is strong,

the throuple is strong.

Other deviant sex groups get these too.

This is my one-ple balcony.

You know, you really showed us by signing up for this, Meg.

And no matter what happens, just remember.

You've definitely proved your point.

You see that?

Yeah. That microphone's totally unguarded.

I'm gonna do my Michelle Obama impression.

Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you for joining us today.

Eh, I'll do it at intermission.

We have decided who is going to Mars.

You are all worthy candidates.

But just like the box for Thorn EMI Screen Entertainment's

Highlander says,

"There can be only one."

And the winner is...

Seamus!

Well, honey, I'm glad you got this out of your system.

And to think I never pushed back once.

Good thing you've got a great mom, huh?

Poet laureate Robert Pinsky once said,

"When I had no roof, I made audacity my roof."

It is truly an honor.

Whoa! Wait a minute.

Are those your arms and legs?

Oh, man!

I guess I wasn't really paying attention.

The winner is Meg!

She won?

Mom, I did it. I'm going to Mars.

Barack hasn't satisfied me in years.

That's your impression?

It's less a voice and more... It's like an attitude.

Meg, you can't go to Mars.

You can't talk me out of this, Mom. I'm going.

Well, as your parents, we forbid it. Right, Peter?

Lois, kids go to Mars. That's what they do.

Hey, Meg, congrats on this Mars thing. Great stuff.

Hey, listen, if I give you this bone,

could you maybe bury it for me up there?

That would... Yeah.

That would just be huge for me.

Oh, honey, you've still got your whole life ahead of you.

I'm a hero now, Mom. I have a purpose.

When that rocket takes off next week,

I'm gonna be on it.

Well, if Meg can go to Mars,

can I go to the Pornhub Awards?

Still no, Chris.

I'm going to kill myself!

We're good parents.

Look, we all understood

that there would be some bumps along the way, right?

When you're in a three-way relationship,

there will inevitably be times

where two sides gravitate towards each other.

Right now, it's Rupert and Made In.

Eventually, it'll be Stewie and Made In.

And then Rupert, you're gonna feel like

the lonely left out piece of no one wants.

Well, cheers, everyone.

Oh. Why are you laughing?

I don't get it.

Oh, it's an inside joke.

Oh. You two have a... an inside joke.

Well, I know a million jokes too.

Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

Ha-ha! Right? Inside joke.

Now, everybody agree?

I'm sexually desirable too.

Wow, there she is.

It's the girl who's going to Mars.

I saw her in the parking lot, but I could get excited again.

Meg, will you please join us in the women's bathroom?

In honor of your sacrifice, we hereby rename this stall

the Meg Griffin Memorial Handicap Bathroom Stall.

This is literally what I've asked Santa for my entire life.

Ew! What?

I was trapped in by the ribbon.

Yeah, it's always something with you guys.

Hey, Brian, I got something for you.

What? I thought you liked that thing.

It turns out we had some irreconcilable differences.

See, I'm a Taurus,

and they're a home-wrecking slut.

Stewie, I have absolutely zero interest in your $6 toy.

Hey there, Rupert. Hey, you know what?

Let's have our lunch by the window.

There's something I'd like you to see.

You see?

You did this, Rupert. You did.

You humiliated me, and this is what happens.

You do not play games with me.

But, to be clear, I'm still a free spirit.

Super chill, super open, super down for whatever.

Hey, Meg? We're all gonna miss you.

And if you could pour this bag of urine

on top of wherever you bury Brian's bone,

that'd be huge for me.

I'm really gonna miss you too, Meg.

-Really? -Well, yeah.

Worrying about the sound my headboard makes against the wall

is a big part of it for me.

I'll miss that tension.

It's part of my scenario.

That's really sweet, Chris.

Wow.

Now, I'm actually feeling kind of sad to leave you guys.

Yeah. Too bad you can't back out now.

You'd be widely hated, and deservedly so.

Tom Tucker, live here from Cape Quahog,

where local resident Meg Griffin

is about to become the first person ever to go to Mars.

Truly, a historic moment, which we will now celebrate

with a small but affordable clip

of Europe's The Final Countdown.

Meg's only companion for the flight

will be a year's supply of food.

And because she's a woman, her pillow from home.

Oh, my God. She doesn't want to go.

We gotta call off the launch.

Prepare launch sequence.

Wait! Stop!

No.

No? But...

But that's my daughter in there.

Yeah. We can't just stop

every time a mom bursts in here.

You think Neil Armstrong's mom

didn't burst in and say, "Wait, stop"?

They always say "Wait, stop!"

Initiate countdown.

And it looks like it's time

for the cryptcoin.com countdown.

And now, it is no longer the cryptcoin.com countdown.

Anyway. Ten, nine...

Oh, man.

I hope I'm making the right decision.

What am I talking about? Of course I am.

Mom didn't even bother to see me off,

much less say, "Wait, stop!"

like Neil Armstrong's mom.

Wait! Stop!

Mom?

Nobody shoots my baby into space!

Mom, what are you doing?

This is super dangerous.

Oh, don't worry, Meg.

They'll never shoot off a rocket

with a woman holding on to the...

Oh...

And we have liftoff.

Oh, my God! Is that Lois?

Mom's gone. Dad, can I go to the Pornhub Awards?

Yeah, sure, Stewie.

Just hold on.

Channel Tom Cruise at his most mentally ill.

Why are we turning?

Mom, we're going down!

Oh, God, oh, God! I can't die like this.

I never finished The Wire.

I never started The Wire.

And here it comes,

the horrifying crash we were all secretly hoping for.

Oh, my God!

She's got the car keys.

I'm sorry you won't get to go to Mars.

Well, I'm just glad we got lucky and the rocket crashed.

Luck had nothing to do with it.

Hey, we're saved.

It was the mom that caused the crash.

You can't suddenly add 145 pounds

to a carefully calibrated propulsion system.

A hundred forty-five? No!

I'm only 128.

No, we tested 128. We could handle 128.

One twenty-eight and the rocket's in space right now.

Okay, maybe 130 with shoes on.

But I'd know if I was 145.

Oh, I wonder who I believe more.

A mom with no job or six nerds from MIT.

Hmm.

I think I'll go with the nerds.

So funny.

So good. Okay. Okay.

Anyway, get in this basket.

See? That's exactly what we were talking about.

One twenty-eight and we're back on dry land.

But maybe it's because I have stuff in my pocket.

It's definitely not the stuff.

We'll go get the livestock crate.