Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

Through the rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

And nothing's gonna stop me now

JENNIFER: Hi, Larry, do you have any notepads?

Well, sure.

Well, uh, oh, here.

I got these, uh, spiral pads

or, or, uh, these, uh, white paper.

Oh, you know, uh, what I might have...

Uh, is, yeah, these legal pads.

Jennifer, I've looked everywhere

and I can't find the ruler.

You need a ruler? Yeah.

Well, uh...

What kind do you need?

Uh, six-inch, 12-inch?

Standard, metric?

Do you have anything in pink?

Pink. Well, uh...

If you need anything else, let me know.

(BALKI SOBBING)

Hi, cousin.

Hi, Mary Anne.

Hi, Jennifer.

Balki, is, is everything all right?

Oh, fine.

I've been named head

of the Chronicle's grieving committee.

And I thought I should practice.

(SOBBING CONTINUES)

Balki,

No? No.

You must be on the grievance committee.

Yes, that's the one.

Well, that doesn't have anything to do with grief.

You mean I cried me a river for nothing?

Balki, a grievance committee handles disputes

between management and employees.

Oh, uh-huh. We have one at the airline.

In fact, somebody filed a grievance against Jennifer

because they felt she was unfairly promoted

to head of her own flight crew.

How do you know that?

Well, I guess we should be going.

It was you, you filed the grievance.

Yes, I did. I should have gotten that promotion.

I graduated ahead of you from flight school.

You graduated ahead of me

Cousin,

Well, you and the other two people on the committee

will hear complaints

and determine guilt or innocence,

and then you decide on the proper punishment.

Oh.

It's a list of complaints.

Cousin, the, the first one is Miss Lydia.

She's... She's being cited

for "violations of the parking rules."

Ah, I bet somebody finally nailed her

for taking up two spaces

with that big Beemer of hers.

No, cousin, it wasn't her big Beemer.

It was her car.

Hi, Lydia. Larry.

Lydia, what are you doing?

I'm sorting Balki's mail.

What does it look like I'm doing?

head of the grievance committee, would you?

No.

Miss Lydia, why...

Why are you sorting my mail?

And I wanna do what I can

for someone that I care about very much.

Who is that?

You!

Oh, I am deeply moved.

Oh, oh, I, I almost forgot.

Uh, you were named to a committee of some sort?

The grievance committee. That's the one!

Well,

Wow.

Bunny slippers!

Oh, Miss Lydia, you're so good to me.

Well, maybe you'll find a way

to be good to me someday.

(LAUGHING)

Cousin, it's hard to believe someone thoughtful enough

to give bunny slippers

would violate parking rules.

Balki, there's something I have to explain to you.

Lydia's only being nice to you

What do you mean?

she's appearing before the grievance committee.

Do you see a pattern here?

Every sentence begins with a pronoun.

Uh, delivery for "Balk-eye Bartookamouse."

I'm Balk-eye.

Enjoy.

She, she would never try to influence my judgment.

"To Balki, from Lydia,

"because love

"means never having to say 'You're guilty.'"

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Miss Lydia, you don't understand.

We are friends!

Lot "X" is a dirt lot.

There is nothing there but American cars!

What are you doing?

BALKI: What are you doing?

My bunnies, my bunnies, my bunnies...

Miss Lydia, Miss Lydia, I had to rule against you.

You were guilty, you were taking two parking spaces.

I drive a BMW.

The dealer suggested three spaces.

What...

Uh, if you hurry, you can still catch

the 412 bus to your car.

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

Cousin, I don't understand.

they're usually grateful that you helped them

experience personal growth.

and people shy away from personal growth.

But, don't worry. You did the right thing.

I wasn't too hard on her? No, no, no.

That's just what this grievance committee needs.

Somebody who's honest, somebody who has integrity

someone who can look a pair of bunny slippers in the face

and say "guilty."

I didn't know I'd lose the slippers.

Okay, Bartokomous, party's over.

I already tried that.

It don't make it shorter.

So, I think I'll just go back to work.

Fine.

Well...

I guess Lydia learned her lesson this time, huh?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my Lord!

What's the charge?

(WHISTLING)

Cousin, thank you for giving me these bunny slippers.

Just a guess.

Uh, you know, Balki, uh...

I may have given you some, uh...

Some bad advice about the grievance committee.

I mean, I... I told you to be strict

but now you've got everybody down at the Chronicle

mad at you.

But, but, but I was only trying to be fair.

Yeah. Well, I know that.

I know that.

You know, but I'm afraid,

I'm afraid if you keep this up, that

you're gonna become harsh...

Insensitive...

Cruel!

Maybe even heartless, uncaring

totally devoid of all human emotion.

Cousin, I don't want to be like that.

What can I do? Well, let us think.

I've got it!

We've seen the strict Balki.

I think it's time we saw a kinder, gentler Balki.

"Mercy Day?" Mercy Day.

To save yourself from becoming harsh,

insensitive, cruel!

Tomorrow would be the perfect day to show mercy

on the accused, whoever that might be.

Well, if that's what it's going to take

then Mercy Day it is.

Okay.

Cousin, I don't believe this!

You... You have to appear before the committee tomorrow.

You don't say. Whatever for?

Well, it says that you're accused

of "stealing office supplies."

Well, are you sure it's me?

Yeah. I'm shocked!

Well, lucky for me, tomorrow is Mercy Day.

Oh!

Po-po!

How could I have been so blonde?

You are trying to influence me like Miss Lydia did.

Wait a minute, Balki! Balki! Balki! Balki!

Listen, I'm big enough to admit

that what I was doing was wrong!

Forget about it. I'm sorry.

Why don't we just sit down

and, and talk about something else?

Sports, weather,

friendship?

I know where this is going.

(IN UNISON) "A Mypiot I hardly knew."

Cousin, come on, every time you want something

you tell that wandering Mypiot story.

It's not going to work.

As a judge, I have to be fair,

impartial, and completely oblivious.

Okay, fine.

But give me back the bunny slippers!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Uh, Cousin Larry Appleton

your case is next.

You have been accused of stealing office supplies.

How do you please?

Not guilty.

Balki, and honored members of the committee

that that charge of stealing office supplies

is totally without merit.

By the way, I hope you enjoyed the fruit baskets.

Ms Wiggans, would you read the grievance, please?

According to the supply department

the basement was using more notebooks, pads, and pencils

than all the reporters in the city room.

Oh, I see.

And because I am the only reporter in the basement

you thought that I might be the guilty one?

No, cousin, we thought you might be the guilty one

because your name is on all the requisition slips.

Appleton, I wanna get outta here.

I'm going to the Bulls game. Why don't you just plead guilty?

Because I'm not guilty, and I can prove it.

I would like to call my first witness to the stand.

Balki Bartokomous.

Well, feed me garlic and call me stinky.

Balki, would you say

that you are an honest man?

Well, I'm no honest Abe Vigoda, but I try.

In fact, you are a very honest man.

Last week, when we took Jennifer and Mary Anne to dinner,

wasn't it you who pointed out

instead of four?

No, cousin, that was you.

If I remember correctly, your exact words were

"They only charged us for two dinners

"let's get out of here."

(STUTTERS)

But, but, Balki,

isn't it true that you made us go back and pay

for all the dinners because you are so honest?

Well, cousin, right is right. We did eat them.

So, in a word, Balki Bartokomous

you are an exceptionally honest man.

A man incapable

of committing a crime.

I submit to you

that what we have here is the most honest man

at the Chronicle.

I'm not one to blow my own nose, but,

I don't know if I'm the most honest.

Balki? Yes.

I now show you this photograph.

Do you recognize it?

That's me,

reading, uh, reading a letter from mama.

Do you notice anything unusual about the photograph?

Yes. It's borderless. Ah-ha.

But what is this object

behind your ear?

I guess that that would be a pencil.

It could be one of them pens that looks like a pencil.

Oh, so you're not sure? No.

Well, maybe this will help you.

Thanks to the Chronicle's photo lab

I've had a portion of this picture blown up!

Oh, God.

Now, I ask you again, what is this object

behind your ear?

It's a pencil, all right.

Ah-ha! But whose pencil?

I guess it would be my pencil.

Oh, it would, would it?

Well, maybe this will change your mind!

It, it still looks like my pencil.

Then why does it have the words "Chicago Chronicle"

written on it?

Well, I don't know. Oh, you don't know?

No, I don't know. Or you don't want to know?

No, I want to know.

I'd appreciate it.

It was a cool, autumn evening

like many we experience here in the windy city.

It was quitting time.

getting ready to go home.

a pencil

belonging to the Chicago Chronicle.

You put it behind your ear.

Didn't you? Yes!

And then you drove home.

Didn't you? Yes!

because, after all, it was just a pencil, wasn't it?

Yes. Wasn't it?

Cousin, don't!

You kept it behind your ear the entire evening.

And then later, when you found it

you didn't think about who it belonged to

or who it's rightful owner was.

After all, it was just another pencil

in the passing parade!

Cousin, don't.

It wasn't too late.

You could have returned it

but you didn't, did you?

No! No!

No! No!

You put it in your pencil cup

which is where I found it!

I didn't mean to do it.

I'm sorry!

Thank you.

It's alL right. It's over now.

Lady and gentlemen of the committee...

(SOBBING LOUDLY)

We have previously established

that Balki Bartokomous is a man incapable

of committing a crime.

(GASPING)

(SOBBING LOUDLY)

We have also established

that this same Balki Bartokomous

takes home office supplies.

(WHINING)

Therefore, taking home office supplies is not a crime

and I am not guilty!

I rest my case.

Good. I can just make tip-off.

Appleton's right. We all do it.

I vote not guilty. Guilty.

Can I change my vote?

Just give me a minute.

I'm ready.

Guilty.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Are you still mad at me?

No, no.

You did the right thing. Thank you.

I never realized how much I was taking home.

Yeah.

I know what you mean.

I thought I could trust me.

Well, I figure after I return this

I'll only owe about $85.

Well, I thought it was fair

Balki...

I'm sorry for putting you on the stand,

humiliating you,

making you feel like a criminal,

stripping you of all human dignity.

You only did what any good lawyer would do.

Well, I, I feel bad about it, so, uh...

I got you these.

Cousin, don't... Don't give them to me

if you're going to take them away.

M-m-my heart can only be broken

so many times.

They're yours. Whee!