Original subtitles

("NOTHING'S GONNA STOP ME NOW" PLAYING)

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's going to stand in my way

This flame in my heart

And a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

To the rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life

And my dream

And nothing's gonna stop me now

Thanks for letting me drive, Harriette.

When do I get to do it again?

How about "The Twelfth Of Never?"

I'll pencil you in.

So, are you and Larry going with us

on the company camping trip?

Oh, I am, but, uh, Cousin Larry

don't do well out of doors.

I know my Cousin Larry like the back of my hand

there's no way, no how, Cousin Larry is going camping.

Balki...

...we're going camping.

Bad call.

Cousin, I don't understand.

You said you hate camping. I do.

But, Jennifer loves it.

She thinks it's romantic.

for a romantic weekend.

Wait a minute, cousin.

I'm getting a deja voodoo.

The last time you tried to get Jennifer away

for a romantic weekend, was the time you took us skiing

which resulted in our being trapped in an avalanche.

Jennifer has forgotten all about that.

Oh, is that right?

Well, that's interesting

I would have thought it would be hard

to forget being buried alive.

Hi, guys. Hi, Jennifer.

Are you ready to go to lunch?

How would you like to go camping?

I'd love it.

Oh, you mean with you?

The memory lingers on.

You know, I still hyperventilate

every time I pass a ski shop.

Slip it over your head and do

Like this, right?

Okay, okay, hey, people, people, people.

Hey, hey, hey.

Doesn't "Forgive and forget" mean anything?

No. No.

This trip will be different.

It's totally organized.

We'll be with a big group.

I don't know.

You...

...the woods...

...so much could go wrong.

You're right. You're right, you are absolutely right.

I couldn't agree with you more.

And, and, and I wouldn't even go camping with just me.

And that's why, uh...

...that's why, uh, uh, that's why

Balki is going to be the camping leader.

I am? Didn't I tell you that?

No. Where's my head?

I'm going to be the leader?

Yes.

Well, you weren't ready before.

No. No, now you are.

Yes. Yes?

Balki is a master of the wilderness.

Why, he was practically born outdoors.

I was born outdoors.

Well, there you are.

Can I pick a leader or what?

Well, I guess if Balki is going to lead--

You'll go. Great.

Balki, you wanna lead us to lunch?

Well, this is fun, let's see...

...how would you like to go to

"Liver And Waffles?"

Well, if you don't mind the drive-thru

there's always Eels On Wheels.

Uh, Larry why don't you lead this one?

Yeah.

Well, uh, there's always

Jack's Escargo-go with the little snails that go...

Cousin...

...Mary Anne said that, uh...

...that, that she would be, um...

...coming with us. What is all this?

Balki, this is what we need to go camping.

Here's your state-of-the-art all-season tent.

Your self-contained, self-igniting propane stove.

camping lantern with optional bug light.

Cousin, you're bringing beer?

Bug light.

Bug light.

But, cousin, I, I thought the idea of camping

was just man and nature with nothing in between.

Don't you think I know that?

And hey, if it were just you and me...

...I'd bring nothing but my trusty hunting knife.

But, we're bringing women.

Well, cousin, on Mypos

when we bring women, it's easier.

They do all the heavy lifting.

And would Jennifer and Mary Anne

were like that hardy breed

but they're not.

Roughing it does not make American women feel romantic

comfort does.

Well, I want them to feel comfortable

but "Good Golly, Miss Molly," do we really need all this?

I'm still undecided about the portable shower.

What's this? Ah.

Take your shoes off

step into this baby, give it a try.

This...

...is a top-of-the-line

all-weather...

...water-proof sleeping bag.

And, when nestled on a Nature Sleep

super-soft air mattress

it provides comfort and warmth.

Two of the ingredients necessary

for a romantic camping trip.

In fact, the man at the store said that in the event

of an emergency, two people could fit in this bag.

Well, I think he sold you a bill of rights.

There's no way you can get two people in here.

Sure you can. No, I don't think so.

Well...

What are you doing? I'll show you.

Well, I, Cousin, can I just save you some time?

There's no way two people are gonna fit in this bag.

Well, let me save you some time.

All right, there's, you know, there's other things

we could be doing, this is...

...this is eating up my day, you know.

I, I...

There, are you satisfied?

Well, I'll be snookered.

Two people can fit in here. Mm-hmm.

But they'll have to take turns breathing.

And if it gets really cold...

...you just put on the hood.

My, it's cozy in here.

Balki, the goose down in this bag

What, what?

There's a goose, down in this bag?

No, no, no, Balki, no, no, stop it.

Balki, just, don't, you're hysterical.

Balki, stop it.

Ow! Stop it!

Oh, I'd better stop it, stop it!

Feathers.

Goose feathers.

The goose feathers in the lining of this bag

will protect us, down to a temperature

of 60 below.

Well, cousin, I'm sorry.

As a child...

...I had a very traumatic experience with a goose.

I'll bet you did.

Would you like to get that or shall I?

The zipper is stuck.

Too bad you didn't get a sleeping bag

with a phone in it.

All right, all right, all right.

Hopping, hopping.

Hopping, hop. All right, here.

Hop, hop, hop. Hopping, hopping, hop.

All right, all right.

You talk, I'll listen.

Hello, hello?

Balki. Hello, hello?

Balki. Hello, hello?

Balki. Hello, hello?

Balki! Aah!

What is it? They hung up.

Oh.

We've got to get out of this thing.

No kidding.

Who is it?

JENNIFER: It's Jennifer.

Uh, just a minute.

Uh, just a minute.

Uh, oh, over here, over here.

All right, all right. Now, hopping, hopping.

Hop, hop, hop. Hopping, hop, hop.

Hop, hop, hop. Hop, hop, hop.

IN UNISON: Hi!

Hi, uh, I was just wondering when we were...

Is this a bad time?

Oh, no, uh, we, we were just, uh...

...testing this sleeping bag.

Yeah, what do you think, Balki, uh, passed the stress test?

Yeah, couple more hours and we should know for sure.

Oh, uh, Jennifer, uh, have any gear you need tested?

Uh, no, I was just wondering what time

we were leaving in the morning.

Oh. Oh, uh, let's see.

You're gonna dry your hair or just let it air

...uh, out the door by six o'clock, uh...

6:15? 6:15?

Fine.

Uh, Balki is still our camping leader, right?

Oh, sure. Oh.

You never said a truer thing, yes.

Lead on, lead on.

Bye-Bye. Bye.

You don't think she noticed anything wrong, do you?

No, no.

I think she probably sees two men

wearing a sleeping bag each and every day.

Small setback, small setback.

Cousin, wake up and smell the propane.

We're trapped and we haven't even left the apartment yet.

All right, everybody in my group over here!

Gather 'round the picnic table!

Now, I'd like to take this opportunity

to point out that the tip for the group leader

is not included in the price of the trip.

Are you gonna wear that all weekend?

I'm starting to get a migraine.

If there are any hunters in the woods

I wanna make sure they see me.

See you?

Hang a couple of lights on your butt

and airplanes will land on your back!

Why do you always do that to me?

Why do you undermine my self-confidence...

Oh, Mary Anne, isn't this wonderful?

This is great.

...well, I guess I've never camped out.

Now, remember, campers, this is not a zoo.

Do not pet or feed the animals.

This is their home. Try to respect that.

Larry, come on.

Yeah, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Larry, are you sure you don't want any help with that?

Oh, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.

If I can't carry twice my body weight in camping gear

I don't deserve to go camping.

Uh, now, can I have your attention?

All Chronicle campers, please go down the path

to the corral where you'll be given a mule

to take you to the campsite.

And remember, those mules can bite.

Aren't you guys coming?

Balki, we need to talk.

Did you see the girl's faces

when the man mentioned mules?

Well, I did. They were not happy campers.

Well, Cousin, how else we're gonna get to the campsite?

Oh, huh.

Oh! Look!

Rafts!

Well, Balki, this is perfect!

The campsite is right on the river.

We'll rent a raft, the river

will take us slowly to the campsite

what could be more romantic?

Shearing a sheep with the woman you love?

But that's not the point.

The point is, as leader

I veto the rafts and I go for the mules.

Balki, Balki, I...

...I didn't wanna bring this up before

uh, because you were doing so well as leader, but technically

technically, your leadership doesn't begin

until we get to the campsite.

You never mentioned that.

Well, I didn't think it was necessary.

"Camping leader!"

the camping leader, that's you...

...will be in charge of the camping.

But it is my responsibility to get us there.

Wow!

I had no idea there was such a subtle division of leadership.

Well, now, you do.

Follow me.

Hi. Hi.

We'd like to rent a raft, large enough for four.

Okay.

That's $30 a day for the raft.

Are you guys gonna need a guide?

No. Yes.

Excuse us. Certainly.

What, uh...

What are you doing?

Well, Cousin, I thought it might be nice

to take a guide.

Pay attention.

Well, cousin, I think it's a tad more complicated than that.

Oh, you do? Yes, I do.

All right. Well, Balki, let me ask you a question.

How many rivers have you been on?

How many? How many rivers?

How many rivers have you been on

None. None?

in a rubber raft in America?

That is correct. Well, I have.

And I say we don't need a guide.

Pay attention!

Balki!

Look, we sit in the raft

with Jennifer and Mary Anne.

The river slowly takes us to the campsite.

We glide up, we get out.

I take charge-- Yeah, yeah, sure.

The point is, everyone will have fun

cause we'll be rollin'

Rolling? Rollin'.

Rolling? Rollin' on the river.

Rolling on the river?

Left a good job in the city

Workin' for the man every night and day

And I never lost a minute of sleepin'

Worrying 'bout the way things might have been

Big wheel keep on turnin'

Proud Mary keep on burnin'

Well, I think we all have to agree that this is absolutely

the best time we have ever had out of doors.

Oh, look, a deer.

ALL: Oh!

It looks just like Bambi.

ALL: Oh!

Oh, Larry, it's absolutely beautiful out here.

It is, isn't it?

Ah, nature.

I love it.

Now, I have three kinds of cheesecake.

Almond

chocolate chip

and Grand Marnier.

Cousin, uh, there's an important decision to be made.

Mm-hmm. You're absolutely right, Balki.

Almond, chocolate chip

or Grand Marnier?

I, no, the river has a fork in the road.

Which way should we go?

Now, uh, let's see...

...the, uh, the map says

we go...left.

Well, that may be what the map says, but I'm telling you

Mother Nature is whispering in my ear that we should go right.

Isn't that cute?

Mother Nature is whispering in his ear.

Well, maybe Mother Nature hasn't looked at the map.

Now...almond, chocolate chip or Grand Marnier?

Uh, cousin, I think we have a problem.

No kidding, we're out of champagne.

I knew I should have brought more.

No, cousin, I think the river is getting angry at us.

LARRY: No big deal. Uh, let's just paddle.

Larry, aren't we going a lot faster than we were before?

Well, well, maybe a couple of knots.

Speed is hard to judge when you're on the water.

MARY ANNE: Ah! Look out, Larry!

Danger, on the other hand, is rather easy to judge!

On the other hand is rock, rock!

Don't panic!

We can do this!

People go down rivers every day.

How hard can it be?

Cousin, this is not the log ride at Knott's Berry Farm!

Harder! We have to paddle!

Balki! Balki!

Stop it! Stop it!

There. Huh, huh?

That wasn't so bad.

No.

LARRY: Just a little white water.

I think we're okay.

What's that sound?

I've heard that sound before.

You have?

Yeah, on my trip to Niagara Falls.

ALL: Niagara Falls!

Paddle! Paddle to the right! To the right. To the right!

What? All right! To the left!

To the left!

No. Cousin! Larry, Larry.

Balki, I can't swim!

JENNIFER: Hold on, I'll save you.

JENNIFER: Mary Anne, I can't swim!

JENNIFER: Oh, no. No! Ah!

MARY ANNE: Save me!

MARY ANNE: I can't swim!