Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart

Like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dreams

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dreams

Through the rain and thunder the wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life

My dream

And nothing's gonna stop me now

You're getting better, baby.

You'll get the hang of it.

All right.

What are we laughing about?

I spent the entire morning

covering a stupid dog show.

So I wrote this to blow off some steam.

Listen to this.

"Society came out on all fours today

"at the Fifth Annual Pedigree Dog Show.

"Industrialist Henry Pryor bragged that his dog

"was cheaper than his wife.

"The license was less

"and the dog came with a fur coat."

Wait, wait, there's more.

"that when she bent over to pet her dog

"there were reports of a lunar eclipse."

Eclipse. That's good.

Cousin, I can't believe you saying mean things about people.

Balki, these are supposed to be jokes.

But, what if you hurt somebody's feelings?

You never know who's listen.

On Mypos, we have a saying.

Enough said?

Not quite enough, no.

It says, "If you spit into a windstorm

"you better carry an umbrella."

Well, Balki, don't worry.

I'm not a big spitter.

No, cousin, it means

if you say something cruel about someone

it might come back to haunt you.

Balki, this is humor.

In... In America

people pay big bucks to go to Las Vegas

so that Joan Rivers or Don Rickles

can insult them in front of their loved ones.

Don Rickles? He's Wayne Newton's favorite comedian.

That's right. That's right.

And I hear Wayne loves it

when Don makes fun of his mustache.

So, you're making fun of the dog show people

is like Don making fun of Wayne?

More or less.

when they read your article in the newspaper.

Oh, no. No, no, Balki.

This is not going into the newspaper.

This is a joke.

Oh!

Well, can we send the joke one to Wayne?

No, I think, uh, I'm gonna send this to my brother Billy.

He'll get a kick out of it. Oh, okay.

I'll just send Wayne the peanut brittle

like I do every month.

Cousin. Cousin.

Can I try American humor?

BALKI: Okay.

Well, cousin

I guess when they were handing out the lips

you only got one.

Why aren't you laughing?

It's hard to laugh with one lip.

Frank, what's a five-letter word for "Life?"

Hell.

That man is burned out.

Been working for the crime beat too long.

I've never seen Frank so down before.

Appleton. LARRY: Yes, sir.

When you're finished with the dog show story,

the publisher wants to see it.

The publisher wants to see my article

What's the publisher's name?

Mr. Wainwright.

The, uh...

Wainwright Kennel Club.

Are you making the connection, Appleton?

Oh, yes. Right. Got it.

The publisher sponsored the dog show.

Good!

See that you put it on the publisher's desk

before you leave tonight.

Yes, sir. Gorpley!

I'll get it to him tonight, sir.

Balki, did you hear that?

The publisher wants to read something I wrote.

Oh! HARRY: Appleton!

I almost forgot.

Where's that file on the Fronzak baby

I asked for?

You didn't ask for it, sir.

Do I have to ask for everything?

Learn to anticipate.

Where the hell is Gorpley?

Balki, do me a favor, would you?

Run the article I wrote up to the publisher.

It's in the envelope on my desk.

Okay.

Oh, I love Moonlighting.

Don't they have witty dialogue?

I just love when they say

How do they come up with that stuff?

I bet Bruce Willis makes it up.

He's a funny guy.

Oh, if you think he's funny

wait until you hear what this little curly hair

joke-meister wrote today.

Well, it wasn't really all that funny.

Well, if you'd rather not read it, Larry--

No, no, no. I've got it right here.

Listen, listen, I, I'm learning American humor.

Mary Anne, is that your hair

or did your head just explode?

It's my hair.

Balki hasn't quite got the hang of it yet.

But listen to this.

It's hysterical, even if I do say so myself.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

BALKI: Cousin,

did you swallow a hairball?

"Dog shows.

A cavalcade of America's favorite pets."

By Larry Appleton.

"Collecting llamas may be this country's latest fad

but man's best friend continues to be the dog."

That's funny. Llamas.

Now, this isn't the funny article.

You know what the publisher must have the funny one.

Oh, boy, is he in for a chuckle and a half.

Let's go, Mary Anne. Why do we have to go?

I wanna find out who won the dog show?

Now, now, now, cousin.

How could you do this?

How could you take the wrong article to the publisher!

Don't you read the mail before you deliver it?

Well, cousin, mailmen don't read other people's mail

unless it's a postcard and that we can't help it.

Right. Oh.

Why am I blaming you?

I should have known if I wrote two articles

one would fall into the wrong hands.

Appleton's law.

No, he won't think it's funny.

I insulted his dog show.

Well, now, cousin, I don't understand.

Is insults funny or not?

Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's not.

Well, how you tell the difference?

If you insult your boss, it's not.

So, the Mypo saying is true!

Well, all I can say is

you better get out your umbrella

because the spit's gonna hit the fan.

What am I gonna do?

Well, uh... What are you going to do!

What am I going to do?

Balki, I have a bigger problem!

My job is in jeopardy!

Oh, I love that show.

You know, you know, the irony is the publisher

would have liked the real article

if only he had a chance to read it.

If only I could undo what's been done.

If only I could switch the articles.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Balki, you and I have to break

into the publisher's office and switch the articles.

Oh, no, no. Breaking in is wrong.

I'm not doing it, period.

Did I say break in? Bad choice of words.

We have to go into the publisher's office.

After all, you delivered the wrong mail, didn't you?

And it's your duty

to deliver the right mail, isn't it?

Yes, yes, yes. Isn't it?

Anything less would be irresponsible.

No. Irresponsible.

I don't... I don't want to be irresponsible.

Of course you don't.

What am I going to do?

Balki, you'll have to go down

to the publisher's office

and switch the articles.

Will you come with me?

All right. I'll come with you.

What are cousins for?

Ah! Oh! Ah!

Cousin, explain to me again

how come we had to climb up 11 flight of stairs.

Because if we took the elevator, someone might see you

and find out you delivered the wrong mail.

Oh!

I'm only trying to protect you.

Well, thank you, cousin.

Oh, well, the door's locked.

Listen, I appreciate everything

you try to do for me, but I'm out of luck.

Now, Balki, don't you know the mailman's oath?

"Neither rain nor sleet, nor locked door

"shall stay these couriers from the swift execution

"of their appointed rounds."

"Locked doors" isn't in there.

Yes, it is. It's in the second verse.

Now, listen to me, this is just a hunk.

But you know what I think?

I think you want to get in there and get your article

and you don't care anything about the mail.

Oh, oh, oh. Balki, you're right.

I am in deep trouble.

I need your help. Please.

If I don't get that article back

I'm going to lose my job.

But you'll help me now, won't you?

Cousin-- Please, please.

Stop it.

All right, I'll help you.

Thank you. It's okay.

Would you stop it? Sorry.

All right, now, the door is locked.

How we going to get in?

We'll do what they did on Moonlighting.

I do. You do?

I do. You do?

Credit card.

Maybe you're over your credit limit.

Oh, great.

Okay, cousin. Maybe we should just go home now.

Wait.

The transom.

Balki, give me a boost.

All right. You're a snappy dresser.

Not that kind of boost.

But thank you.

Now lift me up here.

All right, ready? Yeah.

Oh, one, two, three.

Okay, good, good.

I've got it. All right.

I'm stepping on your shoulder.

Tell me if I'm hurting you.

Give me, uh, give me a little push.

Give me a little push.

Can you reach the knob?

I'm trying. I'm trying.

Almost got it.

How about now? I got it.

Let's just get the article and get out of here.

Here it is.

All right.

Here's the real article.

The security guard.

Under the desk.

Cousin, I... I can't help noticing

that things aren't going well.

What are we going to do? Temporary setback.

We'll just wait for the security guard to leave

and then we'll go back in through the window.

That sounded like the guard

locked the window.

The guard didn't lock the window.

Thank God.

All right, let's go back in.

Why? Because the guard

locked the window.

Balki, you just told me that the guard didn't lock the window.

But that is because you told me to tell you

that the guard didn't lock the window.

Well, why don't we go see

if indeed the guard

locked the window.

The window is locked.

Perhaps the guard locked it.

Perhaps.

LARRY: Oh, my Lord. What are they doing here?

Maybe there's a donut shop down there.

And look, look. A fire truck, too.

Hello! Hello!

Get back. They'll see us.

Question. Hmm? Sorry.

If they can't see us, how they going to save us?

Balki, if they see us

they'll know we were trying to break in.

And then we'll be in big trouble.

Then we'll be in big trouble?

Cousin, we're up to our armpits in sheep dip right now!

Get that spotlight off me or I'll jump!

Frank?

Stay away!

You can't talk me out of this!

Frank, what you doing up here?

I don't know. I'm confused.

I just came out here to think.

Well, you picked a dangerous place to think.

Balki, he came up here to think about suicide.

Oh, cousin.

Frank, I know you're under a lot of pressure

but it can't be that bad.

What do you know about it?

Life stinks!

I see it every day.

Assaults, murders.

Look, robberies.

Nobody cares about anybody.

Mr. Peterson.

What are you guys doing out here?

What are we doing out here?

We came out here to get our friend off the ledge.

Oh, boy. You never let up.

Not when it comes to the life of a friend.

Frank, don't do this.

Leave me alone.

Well, we've done all we can do.

Leave this in the hands of the professionals.

Now, cousin, cousin.

We've got to stop thinking about ourselves

and maybe think about Frank.

Maybe he'll talk to us.

Balki, these people have experience

with this sort of thing.

Get away from that window!

He don't won't to talk to them.

Well, I don't know what to say to him.

Well, I... Maybe I think of something.

All right. Go ahead.

But be careful.

One wrong word and this man's gonna jump.

All right. I'll be careful.

Frank.

Having a bad day?

Oh, this is Frank Jr.

He's moving up from T-Ball to little league this year.

Oh, the kid's a natural.

Oh, I was a cesarean myself.

You know, Frank, this, this doesn't make any sense.

You have a wonderful family.

You're one of the most respected journalists in the city.

Why would you even think of jumping of a building?

Because I'm sick of it.

I've been covering crime for 12 years.

All I see all day are people

doing terrible things to each other.

I can't take it anymore!

But, Frank,

if you, jump you'll be doing

something terrible to your family.

Why don't you just go home and hug your wife and children

and be glad that you're not one

of the terrible people that you write about.

This is all so humiliating.

Thanks for staying out here with me.

You know, Frank, maybe you should get some help.

Cousin Larry's right.

there's a very good chance we won't be here.

Frank, what do you say we go in?

In a minute.

This is the first peaceful morning

I've had in 12 years.

Whoa. What a night.

I never, never want to go through that again.

Uh, I've learned my lesson.

All I want is a warm bed, a soft pillow

and to put this night behind me.

Goodnight, Balki. Goodnight, cousin.

Morning, Balki. Morning, cousin.