Original subtitles

(NOTHING'S GONNA STOP ME NOW PLAYING)

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart

Like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dreams

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dreams

Through the rain and thunder the wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life

My dream

And nothing's gonna stop me now

What are you doing?

Well, cousin, don't worry about it. They're free.

No, No, Balki. Those are free.

These are... $3.95?

Oh, no.

We are not here to buy

disgusting little cheese dogs.

You know, you're the kind of guy supermarket owners love.

Thank you.

That was not a compliment.

You obviously don't know the basic rules of shopping.

But, cousin, on Mypos, we don't have rules for shopping.

Come to think of it, we don't have rules for games.

This is America. We have rules for everything.

It's what distinguishes us from the...

Unruly.

Cousin, will you teach me?

Well, I suppose I could give you

a few pointers on comparison shopping.

Well, you're going to have to because

Balki, comparison shopping is when you compare

the price of one item with another.

For instance, take this rice. Don't take the rice.

Which package would you choose?

Well, that one looks nice.

Very nice and expensive.

Rule one, don't fall for the attractive package trick.

You have to compare prices.

Check the weight. Find the best value.

Well, where is the best value? Ah.

That's where this little baby comes in.

This is the calculator my father gave me

the first time I went shopping alone.

Sometime, I'll teach you how to use it.

Now...

Divided by 16 ounces, that would be...

Twelve cents.

Twelve cents an ounce.

All right. Five pounds is $8.80 cents

that would be...

Eleven cents.

Eleven cents an ounce.

Now, the next size is...

That would be eight cents an ounce.

Therefore, this is the best value.

(GRUNTS)

Cousin, you know, I can't help noticing

that the best value weighed 25 pounds.

we can save four cents an ounce.

But, cousin we have only eaten rice

three times in the last year.

And that means, we won't have to buy rice again for...

Sixteen years.

Sixteen years.

Now, if you'll notice, I've arranged the list

according to the four major food groups.

Wait. Wait, cousin. Cousin. Cousin. Cousin--

Look, I'm trying to explain the rules to you.

Yes, yes, yes, but-- Do you mind?

Do you, do you? Cousin, cousin--

Do you want to learn about shopping or not?

Yes, I do but-- All right, Balki...

Just watch and learn.

This is my shopping cart.

Learn how to shop.

Why didn't you tell me I took the wrong cart?

Because I was busy watching and learning.

WOMAN ON SPEAKER: Tuna fish, $1.19.

Macaroni, $1.29.

Did you say something?

That was the cash register.

Excuse me.

My cousin tell me that this cash register is talking.

It is.

It's the latest thing in grocery technology.

Pretty radical, huh?

WOMAN ON SPEAKER: Your total is $69.25.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

Cousin, machines that talk.

Cousin, isn't this fun?

Yes, tons.

I've got to get some antacid.

Ah!

How are you today?

Well, my day started out kind of rough actually.

Cousin Larry wanted to go shopping

but he didn't want to take me with him.

So we had kind of a big fight

and then we got here and...

We've had our ups and downs, but...

When you come to think of it, we always have our ups and downs

if you know what I'm saying.

And then over there he let me push the cart

And so, I'm happy, you know.

I'm happy. How are you today?

Fine.

(SIREN WAILING)

I didn't touch it. I didn't touch it.

Hi, I'm Pete Zaveni, the manager.

Please, please don't call the police.

Balki, what's going on?

I told them, I was sorry, but she keep throw papers at me.

It's all right, it's all right, it's all right.

As a matter of fact, you've been chosen

by our computerized cash register

to win our grand opening prize.

A prize? We won a prize, cousin. A prize.

All right, good, let's just get our oven mitt

or whatever we won and get out of here.

Have we won an oven mitt?

No. You have won our grand prize shopping spree.

Balki, did you hear that?

Well, of course, I did. Don't be ridiculous.

You know what this means?

I have no idea.

(ALL CHEERING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, cousin.

Where have you been? I have been waiting for you for two hours.

Oh, cousin, I've been telling all of our neighbors

about the free shopping spree.

that I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep a wink tonight.

I don't know how I'm going to do it.

Maybe I'll just count sheep.

One...

Where do I come up with them?

Balki, this is no time to fool around.

Cousin, you know, you're right?

This is a time to be serious.

Tomorrow is the time to fool around.

Dai, dai, dai. Balki, Balki, get back here.

This shopping spree is serious business.

Now... I have a plan.

Cousin, why is it that every time we have

a chance to have fun, you have to have a plan?

what kind of opportunity this shopping spree is.

Oh, but I do, it's an opportunity

for you to have a plan.

Well, excuse me

for being organized.

Well, do you know what I thought?

and every time we see something we like

we throw in the cart it.

Oh-oh!

and throw in the cart things.

Balki, do you know what we would wind up with?

Eight hundred pounds of ding dongs.

Oh, cousin.

That is not fair

and that is not true and that is not right.

Because I would also like to pick up

some of those cheese franks

and some of those potato chips that taste like tacos.

All right. All right.

And some after dinner mints. Which you...

All right, all right, fine, good, good, good.

That is one way to go.

Let us call that plan Z.

Now, let us listen to my plan which we will call plan A.

and labeled all the sections where we have to go.

What is... What is gourmet section?

The gourmet section is where they keep the expensive foods

like caviar and escargot.

Oh. Mmm-hmm.

All right. What are they?

Caviar and escargot?

Fish eggs and snails.

They are considered delicacies.

Well, on Mypos, they're considered fertilizer.

I don't want to eat that stuff.

You can just count me out and down in Beverly Hills.

Balki, you don't understand.

We are not going to eat the food.

Well, silly me.

Why would I think we would eat the food?

This morning I must have got up on the wrong side of my brain.

If I could just finish?

I stopped by Chez Robert. And I talked to the chef.

He'll buy everything we get.

We'll sell him the food, take the money

and buy this.

A living bra.

No. No. This.

An air conditioner.

Oh, cousin

we don't need an air conditioner.

Balki, have you forgotten last summer?

Well, of course, I haven't. Don't be ridiculous.

It was my first summer in America.

I was drinking in the sights and sounds

of a new country.

I was learning the difference

between beta and VHS.

The weather.

The heat.

Do you remember the heat?

Well, it wasn't the heat so much.

It was really the humidity. Oh, God!

You put on a shirt 5:00 in the afternoon

it's wringing wet--

Balki. Balki. Balki.

The point

that I am so desperately

trying to make here

is that we...

The air conditioner? Yes! Yes!

Yes, the air conditioner.

Balki, look, look, look.

This air conditioner could cool off

the whole apartment for the summer.

Especially your room, hmm?

Balki. My room?

Yes. Think about it.

Well, maybe it wouldn't hurt

to give your plan a little listen.

Yes, thank you. Thank you. Okay.

Look, now...

We will have one cart and three minutes

to get as much as we can.

our value per cubic foot of cart space.

Now, the rules say we cannot use any baggage

but it says nothing about pockets.

So, in the event we run out of cart space

we will be wearing special outfits with lots of pockets.

Well, I had a whole outfit picked out, you know...

Well, I'll tell you what, why don't you just

All right, now, we will hit the meat department

and go straight to the expensive cuts.

No ground beef. I repeat, no hamburger.

Then we'll swing by the produce section.

The failure of the Cassava crops has pushed

the prize of those melons right through the roof.

Then it's over to the gourmet section.

You get the escargot, I'll get the caviar

if the prize of the white fish is still up

we'll clean them out.

Any questions so far? Balki.

Does Sylvester Stallone do his own stunts?

Hmm...

Uh, what I meant was

are there any

questions about the shopping spree?

Oh, oh, oh!

No, no, not a one.

Good.

When we get to the...

Cute outfits. Well, thank you.

They're part of Cousin Larry's plan.

You know we can carry twice our body weight.

We're about to start.

Uh, Mary Ann, do you need anything besides the shampoo?

Oh, no, thanks. I think I'm fine on conditioner.

Well, Larry, do you think you'll have

enough time to get my nail polish?

Nail polish?

Super.

Uh, Balki, could I speak to you for just a moment?

Excuse us.

What are you doing?

to get some things for our neighbors.

We can't do that!

But Mrs. Schlegelmitz needs some salami.

Balki, we only have three minutes

to get everything on our list.

But cousin, I promised.

Well, well, you shouldn't have.

Balki, this is going to throw the plan way off.

Well, then we just change the plan.

Change the plan?

We can't change the plan right before we start.

Why do you think they call it a plan?

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

The contest is about to begin.

Gather round. Gather round.

Welcome to our Grand Opening Celebration.

I'd like to introduce you to our shopping spree winners

Mr. Balki Bartokomous.

Yay!

PETE: And Mr. Larry Appleton.

Yay!

Now, remember, boys

you will have exactly three minutes

to cross this finish line

before the buzzer sounds, or you lose everything.

Shoppers, take your marks.

why we don't we have time to be nice to our neighbors?

I'll tell you what, we'll throw them a dinner party.

Stick to the plan.

PETE: Ready.

Set.

Shop.

(ALL CHEERING)

Balki. Balki. Balki.

Balki, where are you going?

Well, I thought I would get Mary Ann's shampoo before I--

You can get it later.

Stick to the plan.

Roasts!

Three.

Roast one.

Roast two.

Roast three. LARRY: Ham.

Four.

Ham one.

Ham two.

Ham three.

Ham four. Turkey!

Three, oh, God.

Turkey one.

Turkey two.

Turkey three. LARRY: Pheasants!

Nine. Salami!

I told Mrs. Schlegelmitz and she said

to me she said, "Balki, if you get a chance, baby

"you gotta pick up some of that."

Balki, forget the salami.

We've got to get to the casabas.

Two minutes.

But what about Mary Ann's shampoo?

Cousin, it's right over there.

We just have to get it...

Forget the shampoo.

Cousin, don't.

All right. All right. Right here.

Come on, Balki, all right. Right there.

Squeeze bottle or tube?

All right, all right. Here.

Shampoo!

Oh, wait, I see the diapers for Mrs. Fargey...

No, no, Balki, Balki, Balki. All right, get the diapers.

Get the diapers.

Balki, whitefish, $19.95 a pound.

Looks like spawning season.

Oh.

Thirty seconds.

We have 30 seconds to get the caviar.

But, cousin, if we don't go, if we don't go right now

we'll lose everything we'll lose everything we got.

I'm not leaving without the caviar.

Oh, but, oh, cousin...

Ten seconds.

(ALL CHEERING)

PETE: Five...

Four, three.

Two, one.

(CHEERING) Yeah!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Balki, we did it, $635.

Cousin, that's enough to buy

the air conditioner and the living bra.

And we had fun, too.

You had fun?

Well, always, cousin. Always.

That's why they call me "The Jerry Lewis of Mypos."

Why is it always work for me and fun for you?

Well, I don't know, cousin. Um...

Maybe because you spend so much time making plans

and you don't leave enough time to have fun.

Now, that's not true. Oh, cousin.

What are you going to do now?

But that only makes sense.

You've gotta comparison shop.

You've gotta find the best deal.

Yes, but, cousin, you're not going to have any fun.

I'll have an air conditioner.

Yes, but you're not going to have any fun.

I'll have an air conditioner.

All right, cousin. Do you want to have fun?

Do you? Do you? Oh. Oh.

Do you want to have fun?

Yes, I do.

All right. Now, listen.

On Mypos, we have a saying.

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Need I say more?

A little more might be helpful.

It says, "If you let your hair down

"you might be surprised what you find in it."

You know, Balki,

in your own odd way

you're right.

And you are going to teach me

how to loosen up.

I am? How I do that?

I'm going to give you this money.

I want you to spend every last penny of it.

But cousin-- And I don't care how you do it.

'Cause I know whatever you do

and totally spontaneous.

Well, cousin, I... 635 smackeroos.

You know, I feel terrific.

I feel as if this great weight

has been lifted from my shoulders.

Well, you know, I do, too.

(LAUGHING)

Ah... Ah...

Well...

So, uh, Balki, uh...

Well, what are you gonna do with all that money?

No, no, no. No, that's not what I mean.

Just that if, uh, I'm gonna learn

in a very loosely structured

you know, free kind of way.

Well, I'll tell you.

Mary Ann is going to have a birthday soon.

And I thought what I would do is rent one of those airplanes

that spit smoke out of the back end

and write in the sky.

And I would have it say

"Happy birthday, Mary Ann

"from guess who."

Now, doesn't that sound like fun?

(LAUGHING)

Doesn't it? Doesn't it?

Doesn't it sound like fun?

Balki. What?

Give me the money. No! No!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)