Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothin' to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feelin'

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder, the wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's going to stop me now

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's going to stop me now

Nothing's going to stop me now

Oh, nice job. Thank you.

You finally found a task worthy of your talent.

Cousin Larry, congratulate me.

Congratulations. Thank you.

Why?

Because today, I joined a healthy club.

Now, why did you have to do something like that?

Because, you see this?

Body fat. You don't need it.

But with aerobic exercise and weight resistance,

you can whittle away that disgusting body bag of fat you got

and reap cardiovascular benefits...

Balki, some of these clubs are just out to rip you off.

What does that mean?

Turnip, turnip, turnip.

They sell memberships to maroons like you

and then, uh, split town with all the dough.

Wish I had thought of that.

Do you want to join with me? Not on your life.

This river runs too deep.

You would meet women in tight leotards.

Women who go to those clubs aren't interested in guys like you and me.

You're wasting your money. Well, if you say don't join, I don't join.

Don't join. Don't say that.

Okay, I call and cancel my membership.

Good. But how I'm going to get exercise?

Hey, hey, hey. You want exercise?

I got 50 cases of motor oil in the stockroom.

Why don't you work out on those?

And you say he doesn't care about me.

May I help you?

Well, I'm Balki Bartokomous'... Cousin.

Larry Appleton.

I sold Balki a membership to the Perfect Body Health Club.

He was so excited, he forgot to sign the application.

Oh, you're with Perfect Body?

Part

Uh, me? Uh, no.

But I was thinking of joining a health club again.

Well, Reuben's Perfect Body is the place. I can see that.

I mean, I would hope so.

Jennifer. That was quick.

I didn't even call you yet. What do you mean?

Well, what he means is, he was gonna call you, uh...

To tell you that I wanted to join the club with him.

No, cousin, you said-- Balki, I think you better let me explain this.

Balki. Excuse me. This river--

We'll be right back.

What are you trying to do?

You can't. I am in love with her.

Did I miss something?

I think we are going to spend the rest of our lives together.

Not you and me.

But, did you ask her out?

You can take the boy out of Mypos...

Women like this are only interested in jocks.

I can't just ask her out. I have to deceive her first.

Uh, excuse me, guys, but I have to get back to work.

Could you sign this?

Well, I guess I could.

I'll have to skip my 15-mile run.

Good. Well, I'll see you both tomorrow morning.

Okay. Thanks.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Bye, Jennifer.

You run 15 miles every day?

What do you do, get up real early before I'm awake?

Yes.

So many women.

So little body fat.

All right, look. Here are the ground rules.

I saw her first.

But I lusted after her first.

This is America. Learn the customs.

I never heard of that custom. It's new. Come on.

All right. Now, I'm gonna hit the weights.

Watch and learn.

You know, there's a lot of weight on there.

You probably wanna lower it.

Nah.

No pain, no gain.

That other man must have been doing it wrong.

That's right. Now, help me down.

This is fun.

Don't. Just get me down.

Hi, guys.

Hi. Hi.

I'm about to start an advanced aerobics class,

but there's a beginning one going on in five minutes.

Well, uh, Jennifer, I think we can handle the advanced class.

INSTRUCTOR: Okay, let's all start off

by doing a little jogging in place.

Jog, two, three, four...

...six, seven, eight, jog, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Jog, two, three, four...

This is an advanced class?

It's a joke.

So, uh, Jennifer,

you're not going with anyone, are you? INSTRUCTOR: And arms.

Hi. I'm Mary Ann. I'm a Sagittarius.

Do you want to go out with me?

I'd love to.

I think I just reaped a cardiovascular benefit.

You guys look tired.

Tired

Jennifer, tired is a state of mind.

And my mind is oatmeal.

Cousin? Huh?

We have been here four hours.

Are you going to ask her out or what?

I'm going to. I'm going to.

I'm not here for my health, you know?

I just haven't found the right moment yet.

Well, we had a lot of spare moments

during that 400 sit-ups we had to do.

I feel like I gave birth to an ox.

Well... Well, I can't ask her now. I'm...

I'm all sweaty.

One...

Two...

68, 69...

I want you to know, in Mypos, we have a saying.

It says, "He who hesitates sleeps with the goats."

I thought you all slept with the goats.

We do.

And this goat sleeper just asked Jennifer if she'd go out with you.

You

I am going to deport you in pieces.

Help me unbuckle this. I don't think so.

What?

You scheming, girl-poaching--

She said yes. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Never knew a workout could make you feel so...

I feel...

Massive!

I feel pumped up.

I am Conehead the Barbarian.

Well, nothing like a tough workout to make you feel alive.

So you thought the workout was tough, huh?

Did I say tough?

I meant challenging.

In fact, I found myself wanting it to be more challenging.

Didn't you? Oh, yes.

You're not tired, are you? Oh, no.

You know, Balki, in six hours, two women--

Let me amend that.

Two gorgeous women are coming to this apartment.

You know what that means, don't you?

What are we talking about?

Okay. Balki, for your benefit...

I think we should identify our objective.

Is this where you talk down to me? Yes.

Now, here's the plan.

What we are trying to achieve is physical contact.

Now, how do we achieve physical contact?

Begging?

Oh.

Dancing.

Cousin Larry, you are a genius!

We'll dance, we'll eat, we'll drink with visitors.

But first, we'll rest.

Neither am I.

We better stockpile some right now.

Well, if we have to.

Hey, this is no fun for me, either.

I just hate sitting around like a bump on a frog.

And if we can't sleep, we'll go for a run.

Ow.

Ow.

Oh, my gosh. What time is it?

Ow.

Ow.

Ow...

Oh! Oh! Oh! It's almost 8:00.

Balki. Oh. Balki.

We overslept and died.

Balki.

A little sore?

I think we overdid the workout a little.

Or you threw me out the window.

Balki, it's almost 8:00.

The girls are gonna be here any minute.

Ow.

I have to call and cancel the date.

Are you crazy?

No, are you?

Where are you going?

Oh, no, you're not.

Oh, yes, I am.

Oh, no, you're not.

No, you don't.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

It's too late. They're here.

I'll tell them to come back in a month.

If they find out we're this sore after one workout,

they'll drop us like that.

Ow.

Yes, please.

I want Jennifer.

Okay.

Help me open the door.

All right. You get the top, you get the top, you get the top.

Turn, turn.

Open, open. Hi, hi, hello.

Hello. Come on in. Hi.

Why is it so dark in here?

Okay, Balki, come on.

You guys are walking funny. Are you sore from your workout?

Yes-- Oh, of course not.

Not at all.

So, uh, why don't we just sit down

and talk and get to know one another?

Karate.

Karate yells. We're into, uh, many, many sports.

We have wine and cheese.

Oh! Well, why don't we...

I'm starving.

Well, uh, Balki, why don't you go get it?

You brought it up.

Why don't you help me go get it?

Excuse us.

You guys do everything together, don't you?

JENNIFER: Need any help? Yes--

No, no, no! No, of course not.

You just, uh, make yourselves comfortable.

LARRY: All right, all right, Balki.

You get the cheese. I'll get the wine.

Ow. Ow.

Out of cheese.

Help me open the wine.

Where's Larry?

Oh, he's...

On the floor.

Doing sit-ups.

We have wine and...

No glasses.

Oh, here we go, here are some glasses.

Here we go.

Wine?

We don't drink.

Hey, why don't we dance?

We can dance. No, we can't.

Yes, we can. No, we can't.

We can dance. We can dance. No!

We will dance. No dance.

You're not gonna fight over this, are you?

Fight? We can hardly move.

I have a confession to make.

We are not the jerks you thought we were. Jocks.

Well, we figured the way you guys overdid it this morning,

you'd be pretty sore.

Well, we were worried that if you thought--

You didn't think just because we work out,

we're only interested in hunks?

Well, yes.

We did.

Yeah, well, uh, I did.

and I'm slime.

And I guess you'll probably want to leave now.

I'm sorry.

Well, maybe we'll stay.

As long as you've learned your lesson.

Oh, yes, I have. I have, I have.

Tell you what. Why don't you guys sit down?

We'll go get the cheese out of the trash.

BALKI: Good night. LARRY: Bye-bye.

Now, you see, those were two nice ladies.

They were not just interested in our semi-hard bodies.

Yeah.

Oh, I don't know.

I guess it's because in high school,

the cheerleaders always dated the jocks instead of guys like me.

I mean, the girls in the Latin Club were fine.

But just once, I wanted a cheerleader.

I mean, I really wanted a cheerleader.

I mean, I really wanted a cheerleader.

Cousin, calm down, you're going to hurt yourself.

Well, what do you wanna do now?

Well, we could watch TV.

Who's gonna turn it on?

Stereo is way over there.

We could go to sleep.

Good night.

BOTH: Ow.