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1
00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:18,640
We did it, guys!
24 hours of workout to help kids.
2
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:22,120
I am feeling so awesome.
I could do another 24.
3
00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:25,680
24 more hours of positive, positive,
positive energy.
4
00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:28,080
Pudgely the Bear,
are you ready to keep going?
5
00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:29,800
Awesome! High steps!
6
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:33,000
Burpees, fast feet,
positive, positive, positive!
7
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,560
GUNSHOT
8
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:40,920
Dom, this is bloody serious,
gravitas maximus.
9
00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:43,120
You've jolly well
burnt your crumpets this time.
10
00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:45,280
Oh, really? Let me guess.
11
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:48,320
You have qualms about my proposal
to compost asylum seekers
12
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:50,640
and spread them over
the fruit trees of Kent?
13
00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:54,160
No, that's in the next manifesto.
It's far worse.
14
00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:57,120
You let Carrie find out
our nickname for her.
15
00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:58,760
You mean Baroness Batshit
16
00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:00,960
knows we've been calling her
Princess Nut Nut?
17
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:04,160
Yes, Countess Cabbage Brain
found out
18
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:06,840
and she's made it very clear
that she wants you gone.
19
00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:10,320
Oh, she's exploited
your feeble-minded weakness
20
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,640
and that's my job.
21
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:13,960
Sorry, Dom, I'm a man of principle
22
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:17,440
and that principle is bonking
who I want when I want.
23
00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:21,240
Yet, thanks to you,
I've been blueballed till Christmas,
24
00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:22,320
so push off!
25
00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:30,840
Fine. I was going to leave
by Christmas anyway...
26
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:32,840
according to the blog I just wrote.
27
00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,600
I'll just take my things
and leave by the front door
28
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:37,920
in case I've tipped off
any photographers.
29
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:41,520
BABY GURGLES
What's that noise?
30
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:44,080
It's just my snack for the road.
31
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,320
That's my baby!
Are you planning to eat it?
32
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,080
Oh, so now that's wrong
all of a sudden!
33
00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:53,240
Of course it's wrong,
you bug-headed bigglewimp!
34
00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:55,480
Fine, you "liberal".
35
00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:59,200
Instead I shall feast on all
the brilliant and disruptive ideas
36
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,880
I stuck inside your empty head.
37
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:05,480
SLURPING
38
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:14,280
Oh!
HE MUTTERS
39
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:22,440
Wherever you go,
I will be right there
40
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,080
breathing down your neck.
41
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,600
Do you hear me, you piece of shit?
42
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:30,120
Hey, listen. Ha!
43
00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:33,640
I just want you to know that
I will also be there for you always
44
00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:37,120
on an emotional level, ha!
Big time! Wow!
45
00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:42,320
I don't want a new partner.
I don't need a new partner.
46
00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:43,560
I work alone.
47
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:47,760
Look, this guy is unorthodox,
but they say he gets results.
48
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,120
Guten morgen. I am making everyone
49
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:53,320
what we in Germany call
"the hello cake"
50
00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:55,160
for my new colleagues! Ha-ha!
51
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:58,120
And for you,
my misunderstood friend,
52
00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:02,480
a nice big piece
once I take off these handcuffs.
53
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:04,640
Wow, look at his footwork!
54
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,920
What speed! Fantastic!
55
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,520
GUNSHOTS
56
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:14,440
Shots fired, in pursuit.
14th and Main.
57
00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,560
'Kin' hell, mate,
put your foot down.
58
00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:19,760
I am thinking we are setting
a great example
59
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:22,960
by keeping to the speed limit,
you know? Positive reinforcement.
60
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,840
Amazing! Ha-ha!
61
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:27,520
But the Albanian's getting away
with two tonnes of cocaine.
62
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,160
They kidnapped Paris Hilton.
63
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:32,720
Ah, for sure, but maybe we just
have to accept this and move on.
64
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:35,400
Wow! Fantastic! Ha-ha!
65
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:41,480
INCOHERENT MUTTERING
66
00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:43,560
So, what's our final strategy
for Brexit?
67
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:44,840
Pudding.
68
00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:46,160
And COVID?
69
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:48,040
Titties.
70
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,800
This is great!
The old Boris is back!
71
00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:00,160
Are you sure you want to watch
the new season of The Crown
72
00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:01,760
with "she who must not be named"?
73
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:06,160
I just hope that this year,
the actors actually look like us.
74
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:12,480
Oh, Camilla,
it's always been you.
75
00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:14,160
SHE COUGHS
76
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:15,880
Jolly close.
77
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,160
Yes, indeed.
78
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:29,320
Not bad, and I should know.
Once, when I was stuck in a balloon,
79
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,400
I ate nothing but toes
for three days.
80
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,960
Hello!
Oprah?!
81
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,840
You're on Mars too?
82
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:37,800
Don't tell me you boys
are eating each other?
83
00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,800
Just some chums gassing around.
84
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:44,920
Well, maybe you'd like some
fresh vegetables to go with dinner.
85
00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,040
What is this? A poo-cumber?
86
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,720
No, silly, they're fresh
from my garden.
87
00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:51,440
BIRDS TWEET
88
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,280
How the hell did you get to Mars?
89
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:56,200
My driver brought me.
I've got summer homes everywhere.
90
00:04:56,200 --> 00:05:00,040
Anyway, eat up, it's only a third
of the Earth's gravity here
91
00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:01,880
so calories don't count.
92
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:05,440
Do you know what this means?
We can go home!
93
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:09,440
Lord Oprah!
Can you please make me whole first?
94
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,640
I can't put your arm back,
but I can do better
95
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:15,040
with festive harvest corn.
96
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,960
Craft day!
97
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,040
For the first time in decades,
98
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:29,840
Scotland has qualified for
a major football tournament.
99
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:31,520
It's fan-dabby-dozey.
100
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:33,120
Aye, First Minister.
101
00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,280
How do we handle the game
against England?
102
00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:37,040
Well, one thing's for sure,
103
00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:39,400
I won't be like Boris
and use it as an excuse
104
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,480
for flag-waving nationalism.
105
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,560
Only 2-0 down at half-time.
106
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,480
I declare a referendum!
107
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:48,400
I knew devolution was a bad idea.
108
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:49,680
Glasgow kiss!
109
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,600
Ed Sheeran, Billie Eilish, Grimes.
110
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,040
Three of the world's
wildest pop stars
111
00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:00,200
travelling together on one tour bus.
112
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:03,040
Our cameras were there
to capture the carnage
113
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,920
on Access All Areas.
114
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:09,760
Day one and the tension
is already rising.
115
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,080
You drank my almond milk.
116
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,880
I didn't know it was yours.
117
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:17,320
Mine has a tarantula on it.
Sorry.
118
00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:20,000
Why don't we just buy
two almond milks?
119
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,960
That's a good idea.
120
00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:26,240
Day three and it's mayhem.
121
00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:28,920
Ed, is it true you threw a TV
out of the window?
122
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,800
Actually, it wasn't a TV,
it was a TV guide
123
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,800
and I didn't throw it,
I put it in the recycling bin.
124
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:37,480
You've got a recycling bin
on a tour bus?
125
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,440
We've got four. Blue for paper,
green for plastics...
126
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,320
OK, fine, cut.
127
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:47,480
Day four and things
are about to get spicy.
128
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:48,920
Oi-oi!
129
00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:51,760
Oh, here we go.
130
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,240
Whoa, is Ed with a groupie?
131
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:56,520
No, that's his accounting tutor.
132
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,640
He's taking his exams
at the end of May.
133
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,520
Accounting?
134
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,480
It's good to have something
to fall back on.
135
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,160
I got the idea from Lady Gaga.
136
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:06,240
She's training to be
a dental hygienist.
137
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:07,800
Fuck's sake!
138
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:14,560
And what would a tour bus be without
a little chemical assistance?
139
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,640
What is it? Ecstasy? Ket?
140
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,760
Vitamin D.
Really good for the immune system.
141
00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:23,040
So pure.
Whole Foods do really good shit.
142
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:26,000
I'm so focused, I might do a sudoku.
143
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,240
Are any of you ever gonna do
anything fucking interesting?
144
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,080
Modern pop stars -
145
00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:34,040
focused, middle class and tedious.
146
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,920
I passed my accountant exam.
Oh, that's awesome.
147
00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:39,120
Way to go. Congrats.
148
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,760
Mr Hancock,
you're the first minister
149
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:49,960
to appear on Good Morning Britain
in over 200 days.
150
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,360
Well, thank you for the chance to...
151
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:54,760
There's one question
the nation needs answering,
152
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:57,560
just how important am I?
153
00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,320
I'm sorry?
It's a simple question.
154
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:04,120
If one is bloody important
and ten is more important than God,
155
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:05,600
how important am I?
156
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:07,920
I don't have those numbers.
157
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,800
Is it nine? Is it higher than nine?
158
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:11,640
9.5?
159
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:15,000
A bit more important than oxygen?
Are you serious?
160
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,000
No-one's ever called me that.
161
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:18,840
OK, let me ask you something else.
162
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:21,360
Just how big do you think
my willy is?
163
00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,440
The Zoom link is breaking up.
164
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:25,240
You're not on Zoom! How big?
165
00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:27,000
I'm gonna restart the connection!
166
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,880
Mum!
167
00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:31,880
Next, I'll be interviewing
a true legend of broadcasting,
168
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,280
me!
169
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,800
I bloody love you!
Snowflake!
170
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:39,840
I'm David Attenborough.
HE CHUCKLES
171
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:43,520
Lately, I've had a few
social media fails
172
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,360
and I'm afraid I've used some
rather uncouth language
173
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,960
for which I apologise.
174
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:51,920
From now on, I promise to laugh
at these little failures
175
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,760
like a grown man should.
176
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,200
No-one can see you unless
you flip the camera!
177
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:58,600
Oh! Silly me.
178
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,360
I've cocked it up again.
179
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:04,840
There, look, you can finally see me
180
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:07,480
as I smash this stupid
fucking piece of...
181
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,480
GLASS SHATTERS
182
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:13,160
Ah! Cristiano!
183
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:14,760
I thought I saw you rampaging
184
00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:16,960
through my caviar
and cheesy Wotsits.
185
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,320
Yes, I love the fruits of the sea,
186
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:24,120
caviar, sushi, lobster, and OK,
the occasional whale.
187
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,640
Oh! Expensive tastes.
188
00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:29,960
Better watch yourself or you'll
end up a fat, broke footballer
189
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,240
running a pub in Ipswich!
190
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:35,400
THEY LAUGH
191
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,680
I needed three kegs
of Stella yesterday!
192
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:40,760
No, Carling is not the same!
It's mouse piss!
193
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:43,160
Cris, the cat's been
at the fish pies again.
194
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:46,840
I told you before,
it's your cat, you pay for mess.
195
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,480
Right, I quit.
196
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,440
No, no, I'm sorry.
197
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:52,720
Don't. There's no other barmaid
for 30 miles!
198
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:56,800
No, there isn't. Which is why
I'm going out for a smoke.
199
00:09:56,800 --> 00:10:00,680
CURSES IN PORTUGUESE
200
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:01,840
CROWD CHEERS
201
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,520
Messi does it again.
202
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,440
Still playing at almost 50!
203
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:09,000
He wouldn't know a bacon Frazzle
from a Mini Cheddar!
204
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,600
But enough about your dick!
205
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,520
THEY LAUGH
206
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,520
Oh, what a nightmare.
207
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:17,760
No more Elton John caviar for me.
208
00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:19,320
Cris, get me the bleach!
209
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:22,320
No-o-o-o-o-o!
210
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:24,840
Scott Morrison and Jacinda Ardern,
211
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,120
I am delighted you have joined
China's trade bloc.
212
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:30,600
Here's to a prosperous future
with no questions asked.
213
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:34,760
We're just happy to sell clean,
healthy Australian coal.
214
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,200
Practically perfect people
don't judge.
215
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:40,280
We just sing. Cue chimneys.
216
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:43,240
# Jinping and me
Jinping and me
217
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:44,600
# We'll do the deal
218
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:48,320
# Who cares how the people
in Hong Kong might feel
219
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,160
# Jinping and me
Jinping and me
220
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,400
# What won't he buy?
221
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:55,360
# So sorry to the Uyghurs
We turned a blind eye. #
222
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,600
Ow, Jacinda!
223
00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:00,320
Don't complain,
we need their laptops.
224
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,480
Admit the next candidate
for membership.
225
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,440
Good boy. Show me your hidey-hole.
226
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:13,080
Oh, crocodile fuck!
227
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:16,840
Oh, it's everything I imagined,
cloaks, a glowing skull,
228
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:19,320
a modest buffet in a coffin!
229
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:20,360
Not for you.
230
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,080
Oh, please let me be a member.
231
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,520
Look, I even made my own
pyramid hat.
232
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:28,920
And one for my dog as well.
Isn't that fun?
233
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:30,840
Your dog's already
in the Illuminati.
234
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,560
Who do you think made you
Prime Minister?
235
00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:34,680
I've been running Britain
for centuries.
236
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:37,400
Well, dog centuries.
237
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:40,720
I reject this candidate on the basis
that I'm the fat Englishman here.
238
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:44,240
Then onto new business.
Sex rituals! Haw-haw!
239
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,920
Look, our dues are down,
we're way behind on pyramid rent,
240
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,160
we have got to take somebody.
241
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:52,520
So, you're in, Boris.
Just don't tell anybody.
242
00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:56,880
I would never reveal
this organisation's existence.
243
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:59,080
We mean just don't tell anybody
you're in it.
244
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,880
DOOR CREAKS
Is this a bad time?
245
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,280
We have got to put a lock
on that door.
246
00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:11,000
Worried you won't be seeing any more
of me and my great family?
247
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,000
Don't be!
248
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:17,120
I'm launching the Trump TV network
with great, great shows like this.
249
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:20,560
Late night talk show hosted by that
dynamo of energy and excitement,
250
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,560
Jared Kushner!
251
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,320
MUSIC AND APPLAUSE
252
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,960
Tonight's guest, Brad Pitt.
253
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,920
Hey, Jared.
So...
254
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,360
Er...
255
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:38,480
Um...
256
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,080
What am I supposed to do here?
257
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:42,800
Hello.
258
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,160
Yoo-hoo!
259
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,840
Jared, you draw emotional honesty
out of me.
260
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,720
It's like therapy.
HE SOBS
261
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:52,920
HE BLOWS HIS NOSE
262
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:54,680
So, watch Trump TV!
263
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:58,320
The first ten subscribers get
a gold toilet with my face on it.
264
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,360
Catholicism. Heard of her?
265
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:09,360
Pomp, pageantry, attitude,
266
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,120
and men wearing fabulous dresses!
267
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:15,080
We call them papal vestments.
268
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:18,680
Franny here is thinking it's time
to retire and pass on his tiara.
269
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:21,600
But how's he going to choose
a new Pope?
270
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:25,640
I want to engage younger people,
make them feel part of the fun.
271
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:27,600
That's why he called me.
272
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,960
If you want to choose
the next Vatican king,
273
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,600
honey, you need a queen!
274
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:36,320
# RuPaul's Pope Race
Start your engines
275
00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:40,320
# RuPaul's Pope Race
May the best Catholic win! #
276
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:43,480
First up, Angelo Scola,
277
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,120
working a classic cardinal look.
278
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:50,760
I am giving you scarlet red,
scarlet fever,
279
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,560
Scarlett Johansson.
280
00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:54,920
I am serving a statement necklace.
281
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:58,480
That statement is,
I feel papal as hell!
282
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:02,800
This queen's looking to
excommunicate the competition.
283
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,480
He's from Milano, right?
I love their cookies.
284
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,920
Scola is a great scholar
285
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:10,800
and a keen promoter
of inter-religious dialogue.
286
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:14,120
Next up, Brazilian cardinal,
Odilo Scherer.
287
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,480
CHEERING
288
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,160
Scherer? I don't even know her.
289
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:21,000
I am dusting the wrong way
in this black duster.
290
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:24,320
Christian Dior said black
is essential to any wardrobe.
291
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,120
I'm pretty sure he was Christian.
292
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:29,480
It's like Reese Witherspoon,
classic, clean and no surprises.
293
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,800
The Church has always been good
at cover-ups.
294
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:34,720
CHEERING
295
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,120
He just turned water into frose.
296
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:40,840
I thought this would be more
of a liturgical competition.
297
00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:44,480
Next up, His Eminence,
Timothy Dolan
298
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:49,120
giving us body-ody-ody
in old school Vatican opulence.
299
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:52,240
I am serving fish during Lent
with this look.
300
00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:54,400
You know life begins
at conception...
301
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,600
of this outfit, bi-atch!
302
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,240
Look at that egg on his head.
303
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:00,360
Someone's getting laid.
304
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:05,240
It's a small cock, but I like
what he's doing with it.
305
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:08,280
Ow.
Ooh, mea so culpa.
306
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:10,600
I don't know what made that happen.
307
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,440
Oh, Lord, humiliate my competition
308
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:16,200
until I sit on that sweet
Pope throne.
309
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:19,080
Hey, you can't pray in here,
that's cheating.
310
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:22,040
Babes, have you cheated on me?
311
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:23,840
Are you shagging someone else?
312
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:24,920
No!
313
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,720
Well, get on with it,
I need to write a new album! Ha!
314
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,960
Friends, I've called you here today
315
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,800
because of a problem that affects
316
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,560
all of us
simple Wyoming ranch owners,
317
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:40,720
Gwyneth, Brad, Oprah,
318
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:42,600
Billie, Elton and David,
319
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,440
we came here because
we believe in freedom.
320
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,800
THEY AGREE
Testify!
321
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:51,640
On my ranch, I can do an honest
day's work for an honest day's wage.
322
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:54,600
What is that? Like, $2 million?
323
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:58,160
And I don't have to impress people
with my wild costumes,
324
00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:01,600
just down-to-earth Western wear.
Ha-ha!
325
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:04,480
The great, steaming cracks
in the Wyoming landscape
326
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,360
are nature's vagina.
327
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:09,840
Does she ever say a sentence that
doesn't have the word vagina in it?
328
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:12,520
Here, no one cares
if you strip-mine crystals
329
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,200
for your healing yoni eggs.
330
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,920
Yoni's just another word for vagina!
331
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,400
She done did it again!
332
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:22,560
As for me, I want to build
a giant meditation crater
333
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:26,360
that will broadcast my inner
thoughts to the outer planets.
334
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,520
But some Washington man
says I can't.
335
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:30,800
Unless I sign a damn form.
336
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,160
THEY BOO
337
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:34,040
Fuck regulatory overreach!
338
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:36,680
Out here, a man has a right
339
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:41,880
to his crater full of Tibetan
singing bowls and scent misters.
340
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,320
That's the smell of freedom.
341
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:45,080
Will you join my fight?
342
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:49,520
Yes! We celebrities stand with you
and your mind-expanding smell hole!
343
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:51,320
THEY CHEER
344
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:53,640
And I, David Furnish, stand nearby.
345
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:55,080
Grab your weapons!
346
00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,160
Smash day!
347
00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:00,240
Yeezy!
348
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,440
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
349
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:10,200
Ladies, the judges have weighed in.
350
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:14,200
Angelo, I'm sorry, dear,
sashay away.
351
00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:20,840
Now, before I make
my final decision,
352
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:26,720
it's time for you
to lip-sync for your eternal life!
353
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:29,400
GREGORIAN CHANT PLAYS
354
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,920
There must be some way out
of this contest.
355
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:41,760
Too late, Pope Francis,
I've made my decision.
356
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:45,240
And the winner of
RuPaul's Pope Race is...
357
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:49,400
..me!
358
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,520
Because who else could it be?
359
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:54,080
Please tell me you at least
own a Bible.
360
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:56,640
Don't worry, Franny,
I can't take the job.
361
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,240
I'm still doing Drag Race.
And, quite frankly,
362
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:01,760
I think it's gonna be around
a lot longer than Catholicism.
363
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,920
So, bye-ee!
364
00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:06,640
Well, I learned something.
365
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:11,680
In nomine patris et spiritus
sancti... girlfriend!
366
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:15,720
This is my seventh World
Championship win here in Turkey.
367
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,680
I dedicate it to the kids who say,
368
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:21,200
"I want to grow up
just like Lewis Hamilton
369
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,680
"and work for justice
by getting paid huge sums
370
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:27,680
"to race in a country
with a dodgy human rights record."
371
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:30,000
And to all the haters, hear this,
372
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,480
as long as there is inequality,
I will speak out.
373
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,760
Generally from my tax-sheltered
yacht in Monaco.
374
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,560
CHEERING
375
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:41,040
I get free champagne!
376
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:48,840
'Once, there were three bears
living in the forest.'
377
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:53,200
Hey, someone broke our furniture.
378
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,880
And ate our porridge.
379
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,160
There she is.
380
00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:00,240
Hey, private property is just a tool
of the patriarchy.
381
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,760
I'm squatting here.
382
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,840
Call the police, Papa.
383
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:07,240
They're here to protect everyone,
including brown bears.
384
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:11,440
Good luck. We de-funded the police.
They'll just send a social worker.
385
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,200
Not in this forest.
386
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,240
Get moving, you slob.
387
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:17,760
Support the police
in your neighbourhood.
388
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:20,040
Help them help us.
389
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,840
'Paid for by the Police Union.'
390
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:28,880
Today is the day I square off
against that Federal EPA man.
391
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:31,000
High noon, he said.
392
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,560
What time is it?
393
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:36,000
According to this watch you gave us,
it's two sneakers past ye.
394
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,960
Kanye West.
395
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:44,280
Are you ready to sign this here
regulatory document?
396
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,640
Hold on, this is real, Kanye.
397
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,480
You're actually going up against
the Federal Government.
398
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:53,560
We thought this was one of your
performance art pieces. Vagina.
399
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:57,120
There she goes again, dagnabbit!
400
00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,560
Wait, where's my posse?
401
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,640
And why do I hear Oprah's jet?
402
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,160
Your friends are gone, Kanye.
403
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,400
It's just you and me.
404
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:08,680
You're gonna have to beat me
Old West style.
405
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:13,080
Or should I say,
Old Kanye West style?
406
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:15,880
CHIMING
407
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:21,240
BEAT PLAYS, SCRATCHING
408
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,320
Oh, God, not a rap battle.
409
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:28,160
# Meditation crater 14 miles wide
410
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:31,200
# Meditate on this
Or I'll tan your hide
411
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,560
# No Federal Agent
Should have all that power
412
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:37,760
# To stop a hole
That smells like a flower
413
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:40,840
# Section 1B paragraph 3
414
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,680
# Don't harm any animals
Above the knee
415
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,840
# Do me a favour
Sign the waiver
416
00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:50,160
# You can even e-sign
It's a paper saver
417
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:53,080
# Can't stop me with rules
What are they worth?
418
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:56,360
# I'm blasting my crater
Into Mother Earth. #
419
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,880
Singing bowls!
420
00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:00,560
CHIMING
421
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,920
RUMBLING
422
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,800
Who's that? Who that?
423
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:09,240
It's me, Mother Earth!
424
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,800
# Quit your shit
I'm that bitch Gaia
425
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:15,280
# I got the rhymes
You know they be straight fire
426
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:18,040
# Billionaires
And governmental regulations
427
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:21,600
# Are no match for
My seismic vibrations
428
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:24,480
# You both tryna own me
You tryna control me
429
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:27,320
# Sign your stupid form
And blast a hole in me
430
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:30,480
# But I gave you this land
And I can take it back
431
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:33,920
# I'll suck you into my crevice
My crack!
432
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:35,920
COW MOOS
433
00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:41,600
# So you see I got the power
You been schooled by Gaia
434
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,840
# And if you wanna date me
You can find me on Raya! #
435
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:47,760
RUMBLING
436
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,240
Was that real life?
437
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,960
Or just a hallucination
from the CBD oil in the misters?
438
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:54,160
There's a difference?
439
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,680
What matters is
I have been humbled.
440
00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:59,120
There are greater powers
in the universe than me.
441
00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:02,240
I will sign your form.
Great.
442
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:07,440
So it was all solved by a message
from Mother Earth vagina.
443
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,920
Dang it, she got me saying it!
444
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,880
Hive control,
commence departure sequence.
445
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:20,120
'The train now leaving from platform
5 is the 14:57 service to Durham.'
446
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:35,160
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