All language subtitles for Bridget.Jones.Mad.About.The.Boy.2025.720p.WEB.H264-JFF

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Fuck, fuck, fuck! So late!

Mabel's put
a scarf on the cat.

He's not a
cat. He's my husband.

Where is he?

- Will he bring the ladies with
the big boobies? - "Ladies"?

Last time, he
brushed my hair with a fork.

There were three ladies,
and they had an epic pillow fight.

- The fork had maple syrup on it.
- Out of the way, darling.

Well,

it's obvious he's not coming,
so I'll just stay home.

You said this was the one thing you
had to leave the house for this year.

You're
right. I'm going.

Move, please, Mabes.

Fuck... caccia.

Did we eat the focaccia?

Well, we haven't
got any vegetables.

But lucky you, you get
to have frozen peas. Mmm.

All right. Come to the table.

Come on.

One, two...

What am I going
to do when I get to three?

Please
enter alarm code.

Oh, fuck,
oh, fuck, oh, fuck!

- Please enter alarm code.
- No! Don't put the flames out.

- We can toast marshmallows.
- Please enter alarm code.

Please...

The tension of our bodies,

the scars of...

Hello, Moto.

...in... in our longing.

Bridget Jones, always exciting.

- How's the skirt?
- Daniel, hi.

Just checking you have indeed
forgotten about tonight.

That is hurtful, Jones. I
have absolutely not forgotten.

No.

I'm so sorry. It's my mother.

- She's in the hospital.
- Oh.

- Primordial sweat.
- I will be there

quicker than it took me to bring
you to earth-shattering orgasm,

you filthy little harlot.

Love you, Mummy.

"Mummy"?

Darling, clever Geminita.

I'm gonna have to rush.
It's a family emergency.

But I am loving this one.

I think... I think we
all are, aren't we?

Call me later, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

I am imminent, Jones. Imminent.

Un-bunch those giant panties.

Bloody zip
manufacturers should be

cancelled for sociological bias.

It is actually impossible
to do this on your own.

Help.

Ooh. Thank you, monkeys.

Uncle Daniel!

Miniature Darcy,
what's the news?

Where are the
ladies with the big...

Hair? They
couldn't make it, sadly.

They're, um... They're
washing their hair.

All three?

Yeah, well, they wash
each other's, you see.

I thought you said
no more models.

Geminita is not a model, Jones.

She is a poet and a healer,

and a model.

Come here.

Hell of a night for you.

Ugh, I can't go. The
children need me.

Uncle Daniel!

You. Right.

Get a fork and some syrup.
I'm gonna style you.

- I found the cards.
- Very good. Excellent.

Now then, we need to work on
your bluffing and your cheating.

Life has
its white notes...

and life has its black notes.

You look very beautiful
tonight, Mrs Darcy.

Not looking so bad
yourself, Mr Darcy.

Bridget.

Very black notes.

Jolly good. Come in. Weather's
been a bit shitty, hasn't it?

- Though the cricket this year has been...
- Jeremy.

...absolutely phenomenal.

This is what happened.

Mark Darcy, my husband,

father to Billy and Mabel,

died.

Or rather, was killed

in the Sudan on a
humanitarian mission.

- Everybody's just upstairs.
- Thanks.

And that was four
years ago. Today, actually.

Brace yourself. It's a
total fucking shit show.

And even though there might
be 600,000 words in the human language,

the world still struggles
to find the right ones

when someone you love is gone.

Bridget, how are the children?

- Mmm.
- Are they...

Are they all right
without you there?

No. It's fine.

Left them some crystal
meth in the kitchen.

Maybe not.

Well, we don't make
a thing about it.

We celebrate Mark's
birthday instead.

Oh.

So, Bridget, still on your own?

It's been four years now.

You're still in pretty
good nick. Why no chap?

Now, now. It's not Bridget's fault.
Very hard, being a middle-aged woman

- and finding yourself single.
- Mmm.

Better if you're a bloke.
Look at Binko Carruthers.

He's no oil painting,

but the second Rosemary
died, he was inundated.

Of course, they were all of a
certain age, though, weren't they?

Sorry, do you realise
you said that out loud?

Hmm?

"A certain age"? What,
do you mean our age?

- That is the most...
- Shazzer now hosts

a podcast calledFed Up,

in which she has dinner
with minor celebrities

while basically getting
furious about everything.

...sexist fucking
universe we, unbelievably,

still continue to
fucking inhabit.

I need to go to the toilet.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

Yeah, Jude. Yeah,
I'm with her now.

Well, Shaz, tell her
to come to The Golden Cock.

No, no, no. The
party. It's for Mark.

That's not a party.
That's a fucking bin fire.

And you think that Mark would want
you to stay here and be insulted

in the fucking sexism Olympics?

To Mark.

- And to Bridget...
- Aw.

...and the rare
pleasure of seeing you

in something not made
of terry towelling.

Tom, still living

handsomely off
his one hit single

which had a comeback recently in a
30-second video of a dog doing maths.

Now, of all things,
a life coach.

Honestly, I'd say it was
a bit of a breakthrough,

speaking as your psychologist.

You're not
my psychologist.

Well, I should be, yes.

According to the classic model,

you've actually made
it to the fourth stage

- of the five stages of grief.
- Wait. Isn't it seven stages?

What are you talking about, Jude?
No, it isn't. It's five stages.

- Isn't it five?
- Well, I always thought it was four.

It's definitely seven.

Jude, now CEO or COO

or CTO, definitely
a C-something-O,

still regularly calling, in
tears, from executive bathroom.

So, um, only one stage
to go now, Bridge.

- Oh.
- Stage five.

It's acceptance,
which basically means

- you just have to get laid.
- Oh, my God. Shazzer's right.

Yes. I mean, honestly,
darling, look at yourself.

You've become a
born-again virgin.

If you don't get laid soon, your
vagina will literally reseal itself.

Yeah, and
that is a thing.

It's called labial adhesion.

Oh, my God!

I knew leaving the
kitchen was a mistake.

I don't want anyone else.

And even if I did,
which I don't,

I'm non-viable,
completely asexual,

and nobody will
ever fancy me again.

- Ever, ever, ever.
- No. No, no, no.

And I'm going to the toilet.

Crash and burn.
That was a disaster.

Well, that was a
fucking disaster.

Crikey. Have we been burgled?

We have not
been burgled, Jones. No.

We have been marvellous.
Now, tell me this.

For Tonya, do we think a
kitten heel or a chunky wedge?

She's going to Wimbledon.

Wedge, obviously.

You may be right.

How was it? Any fun? Any tongue?

Ugh. God. No tongue. I
have hung up my tongue.

How were they?

Well, the girl is you.

Lawless, romantic,
irresistibly drawn to me.

Asked me if I was going
to be her new daddy.

She does that.

Yeah. Wouldn't go to bed
until I'd married her rabbit.

- Hmm.
- Which I was very happy to do.

That rabbit is not
at all unfanciable.

Hmm. And Billy?

Well, Billy is Darcy, isn't he?

Still waters and all that.

As it happens, Jones, your son

and I have a number
of shared interests.

Oh, God. Like what?

Models.

He showed me his,
I showed him mine.

- Hmm.
- And then we... we talked about death.

Did you?

Yeah. I told
him being dead was shit.

And that I should know
because I was for a bit.

And then, uh...

I gave him a hug 'cause
he seemed a bit sad.

And then that made me
sad because...

How is your boy?

Enzo's, what? He's...

Uh, fuck knows, Jones.
Fifteen, I think.

Anyway, we then cheered ourselves up
by digging out the cocktail shaker,

and I taught him how
to make a Dirty Bitch.

Saved it for you.
It's in the fridge.

Goody. Have it for breakfast.

Yeah, hello, hello,
hello, hello.

Geminita.

Yeah, we're all done.
All done. I'm on my way.

Well, as quick as I can.

Yes, like naughty old
moth to eager young flame.

No, you hang up first.

And... OK, kiss you back.

Yeah, OK.
Louder. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Fuck off, Jones.
OK, they're asleep.

Um... it
did take a bit of time.

But I... Actually I showed
them a video of Geminita

reciting one of her prose poems
and they were out like a light.

All right.

What happens now?

I'm trying to remember how it
worked with our babysitters.

I think you give me 20 quid
and try and shag me, don't you?

Ah,
Daniel, dear Daniel.

At least some
things never change.

It makes me sad though,
Jones. You know...

two children and you all
alone and effectively a nun.

Albeit, of course, a
very, very naughty nun.

Bye, Daniel.

Yeah.

Thanks for tonight.

Yeah.

Why are
these lights still on?

I thought you two were asleep.

Do you miss Dada sometimes?

I miss him all of the times.

There's my owl.

Back to bed. Come on.

- Story, Mama?
- Mm-hmm.

For the baby princess is
as kind as she is fair.

And the baby prince is as
gentle as he is handsome.

And wherever they go
and whatever they do,

Mummy and Daddy will
always love them.

And Saliva.

She stinks, Mabes.

Oh!

- Good night, darling.
- Good night, Mama.

Good night.

And all the thoughts...

And all the thoughts
are going away.

They don't need little
Billy and Mabel tonight.

The world will
turn without them.

The stars
will shine without them.

And all little Billy and Mabel
need to do is rest and sleep.

Good night.

Night.

Good night, Billy.

- Do the song, Daddy. Please.
- OK.

I'll do anything
For you, dear

Anything

For you mean
everything To me

All by myself 47.

Shitballs.

No. Cock-bollocking
fuck-bubbles!

Literally everyone
else in the whole country

is laughing uproariously
with their partners

while watching Netflix
and having sex.

You don't want to
wallow in it, darling.

And there
they are again.

All the voices, all the advice.

You gotta wallow in
it, Bridge. Wallow.

Grieve. G-R-E-I-V-E.

It's I- E.
It's not E- I.

No, it's, "I before
E except after C. "

Yes, exactly.

God, you really
are such a T-W-T-A.

A what?

The thing
about advice is,

no one tells you the
same thing twice.

Bridget, you've got to
put the children first.

Uh-huh.
Thank you, Magda. Yes.

Put the children first.

Sod the children.

Put your own oxygen
mask on first.

Right. Oxygen mask.

Got it.

One thing's for certain, Bridge.

Forget about sex.
Oh.

OK.

No sex.

You need to have a lot of sex.

Yeah. Why don't you
come back to work?

Thank you, Richard.
I'll bear that in mind.

But as my dad said
just before he died,

the big question is...

Can you survive?

I think so.

I have to.

I'm trying.

It's not enough to survive.
You've got to live.

Is that the Dalai Lama?

It's Harry Styles, I think.

Colin.

- Is that a sausage?
- What sausage?

Bridget, you know what the
doctor said about saturated fats.

Pam, could you take a photograph
of us? Me and Bridget.

Um...

Colin, try not to do
that with your chin.

I'm not doing
anything with my chin.

Promise me you'll live, Bridget.

Smile!

Bridget Jones,
it's time to live.

I know when to go out

Know when to stay in

Get things done

I catch a paper boy

But things Don't
really change

I'm standing in the wind

But I never wave bye-bye

But I try

I try

Never gonna fall for

Modern love

Walks beside me

Modern love

Walks on by

Modern love

Gets me to

The church on time

Church on time

Terrifies me

Church on time

Makes me party

Church on time

Puts my trust in God and man

God and man

No confession

God and man

No religion

God and man

Don't believe in modern love

It's not really work

It's just the power to charm

I'm still standing
in The wind

But I never wave bye-bye

But I try

I try

Never gonna fall for

Modern love

Walks beside me

Modern love

Walks on by

Modern love

Gets me to the church

On time

Modern love...

Right. You've
got your pencil case,

your lunch, your homework?

- Your keys?
- Ooh.

Well,

you've definitely got your
recorder so that's good.

Your lovely picture
of a spaceship.

It's a cat.

Oh, yes. Of course
it is, darling.

What paints did you use?

I used the lipsticks
with the C's on them.

- Oh. So creative.
- Handbag?

Oh, fuck a duck.

Hello, Billy.

Morning.

Hello, Mabel.

Morning, Bridget.

Hi.

Just the usual crap.

Are you going to
be my new daddy?

- No, Mum!
- No! Mum!

When I signed up
for having children,

I did not sign up to be ruled by

a gaggle of computer crackheads.

Well, guess what?

I've had you, I've
brought you up,

and I've changed my mind!

No! No, no, no!

Don't you touch those or I'll
fucking enter you in Squid Game.

Here, darling.

- Come, come.
- Mum!

Why don't we ever say hello?

Oh. Important
life lesson, darling.

Never meet your heroes.

Starting today,
will not set things on fire,

will responsibly reset passwords
not to include the word "fuckwit,"

and will not be frightened
of the school mums...

Hi.

...in particular,
Perfect Nicolette...

...with her perfect twins.

Move the car! There's no
parking in front of the school.

- How are you?
- What?

I- I thought you were in LA.

- Right.
- Mr Walliker?

Mr Walliker, Eros tells me he hasn't been
selected for the choir for some reason.

- Correct.
- Well, how can that be?

Because he can't sing. Anything
else, Mrs Soltani-Watkins?

Mr Walliker, if you have failed to
recognise Eros's obvious talents,

- that's hardly his fault.
- It's really quite simple.

The choir, like everything else
in nature, is chosen on merit.

Yeah, natural selection.

If Eros wants to put in the work,
he's welcome to audition again.

If you'll excuse me.
Bike!

Bike! Not there. Not there.

Who's that?

Oh. New science
teacher. Mr Walliker.

Instant hero.

Unbelievably rude.

He's awful.

Move along, please. Right away!

You two! This isn't a
stroll on the heath.

You don't see me unfolding deck chairs
and unwrapping sandwiches, do you?

Move it inside! It's
choir in eight minutes.

Mr Walliker. Hello.

I don't believe we've met.

I'm Billy Darcy's mum.

The boy about to be
diagnosed with tinnitus.

The whistle is an
essential tool, Mrs Darcy.

Mmm. An essential tool?

What an apt
description.

Eros! Atticus!

If you're late, you will regret
it for the rest of your days.

Sorry, sir!

No!

She'll be back later.

We have a doctor's appointment.

I've got worms!

Why is your granny
wearing pyjamas?

That went well.

"G-O-N-O"...

That's
lovely, darling.

- "R-H"...
- There you go.

One tablet a day for
the entire family,

and if her itching doesn't stop,
I suggest you get rid of that cat.

Have
you got some help yet?

I know it doesn't
look it, but really,

- I've got it all in hand.
- No, it doesn't look it.

Apart from anything else, I'm a
gynaecologist, not a paediatrician.

And whilst I'm happy to step
in, you do take my point.

If you say "oxygen mask" to me again,
I will hit you with this handbag.

I am not afraid of handbags.

You need something else to do.

You need a reason to get
out of those pyjamas.

Well, fashion's never
really been your thing.

- Rude.
- Pyjamas are all the rage in Milan.

Bridget, in spite of all objective
evidence to the contrary,

you are a bright,
talented, brilliant woman.

And my professional
advice to you is this.

- You need...
- No. No, no, no.

Please don't tell me
to go and have sex.

Oh, good Lord, no.

No.

Read a book. Clean out
the kitchen drawers.

Leave the pink bits
well enough alone.

You'll be ready
when you're ready.

No, my professional
advice to you is this:

go back to work.

And how's your love life?

On fire.

"Sy-P-Lis. "

- Mmm.
- Syphilis. Mabel, Syphilis.

Syphilis.

Mmm. Very good. Very good.

And there's some delicious
vegetarian alternatives here too.

Floods, fires and famine.

As the world teeters on the
edge of climate catastrophe,

sausages aren't the only
thing we are grilling today.

Environment Secretary Sarah
Givens joins us after the break.

Hi.

Oh, thank God you picked up.

What's the matter?

They've got the bloody Environment
Secretary on in 45 seconds

and they've got me asking her
questions about bloody tea bags.

"What's the best way
to recycle tea bags?"

"Can you clean
surfaces with tea"...

I need you, Bridget!

OK. Uh...

Ask her...

Ask her why there were no tax
breaks for renewable energy

- in last week's budget.
- Brilliant.

She'll fob you off with some
crap about economic constraints

and then you nail her on oil and gas
companies ring-fencing their profits.

- Yes, I do.
- She'll flap!

And then you nuke her arse on the
government's support for fracking.

Ooh.

I fracking love
you, Bridget Jones.

- Hi, Bridge.
- Yes!

Oh, oh, oh! Do try to find
out about the tea bags though.

- Love you. Bye. Bye.
- Love you. Bye!

Welcome back.

Our next guest is

Environment Secretary
Sarah Givens.

Sarah, budget, tax
breaks, fracking.

Justify.

And no fob-off!

Could you please put me through
to Richard Finch's office?

My name's Bridget Jones.

Yeah. I'll hold. Thanks.

Billy, I want to
watch SpongeBob.

Billy, come off that, please.

You've had your screen time.

One, two...

But, Mummy, it's Sunday.

No.

Can I watch SpongeBob?

May I watch SpongeBob.

Yes?

No, you've got to say,
"may I," not "can I. "

May I watch SpongeBob?

- No.
- But, Mummy!

No, no, no, no.

No more screens, either of you.

Screens have been proven to
shorten attention spans and...

Ooh!

No.

Will you come and practise
cricket with me in the garden?

Mummy really needs to work, darling.
Why don't you play with Mabel?

She refuses to hit the ball. She
says she feels sorry for Ball-y.

Ball-y.

Darling, please go and
play cricket with Billy.

I may not!

Is it too much to ask to get some
bloody peace all by my bloody self

for five bloody minutes?

Internet's down!

I want to
watch SpongeBob.

Tell Billy it's my turn.

- Mummy!
- I don't want to be a mummy right now.

You had it for ages!

I didn't even have
it today. It's my turn!

Mummy!

There's no Internet!

I just want to sit down

in echoing silence on
my own for one moment.

- Mummy! Mummy!
- Just shut up!

Shark bait!

Come and get it!

Okay. You asked for it!

Miranda?

All right, Bridge?

What're you doing here?

So I was reading the
newspaper in Soho House

and it was so, so
quiet, you know?

I just miss all this.

Off milk, stuff,
clutter, children, life.

Plenty of that here.

You don't have any champagne.

always keep a cold
bottle of champagne

in the fridge for emergencies.

That's excellent advice.

Cards on the table,

I'm thinking of
unfreezing my eggs.

Apparently, everyone
is going to Denmark

to get sperm.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

But I want what you
have. All of this.

But Soho House and-and Sunday
papers and cold champagne...

You're free, Bridge.

You're liberated from
the tyranny of this.

Do you know how many
dating apps I use?

Could you look sexy?

Well, I mean...

I might still brush up
OK given enough time.

No, I mean for this photo.

I've set you up on Tinder.

- What?
- You're welcome.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Well, I've popped you down as a widow.

It's so much more
romantic and singular.

We all agree it's what you need.

What's Tinder?

It's...

such a lovely day.

Who wants to, um,
go to the heath?

- No, I don't wanna go!
- No, SpongeBob!

Oh, OK. That's no problem.

Uh, sure.

Um, you stay here,

and I'll just, uh, take
these chocolate buttons. Ooh!

- Let's go, nutters!
- Can't wait!

Children and fresh air and
white chocolate buttons.

I feel like Julie Andrews!

Oh! I just got
matched with someone.

Sorry, Mabel, could you
just get off, actually,

'cause you're killing my back.

Uh, he's on a street
corner... in a van.

- He looks like Jason Statham...
- Mmm.

...if you squint.

In a bit, Bridge.

Bye, kids. See you.

- Bye!
- Bye.

Oh, how everything calms
down once you're outside in blue skies

turning the children
into biddable lemurs.

Will obviously delete
Tinder immediately.

But perhaps a very
quick look first.

Keith?

Who are you, Keith?

Feel suddenly exposed to
whole new world hiding in plain sight

like Narnia through
back of wardrobe,

but with lion and
witch shagging.

Mummy! Mabel's
stuck up the tree!

- How'd she get up there?
- Mummy!

Coming!

Okay.
No, it's... it's all right.

- I can't get down either.
- It's all right. I'm here.

Uh.

Billy. Is that you?

Oh, no. It's Mr Walliker.

Everything all right, Mrs Darcy?

Yep. Super.

Just climbing a tree.

I can see that.

Having fun?

Yes. Yeah, this is really fun.

- You sure you don't need a hand?
- No, no.

As Einstein said,

"What goes up must come down. "

- Newton.
- Yes.

Newton.

We're going to die!

No, we're not going to
die. We're having fun.

We are
definitely going to die.

Clearly you've got
this nicely in hand.

Look, there's a policeman.

Oh, my God.

I've climbed a magical man tree.

- Are you stuck?
- Yes!

No.

- Do they need help?
- Apparently not.

So, I'll... I'll be off then.

Bye-bye.

Okay. I'll be off too.

Don't go away.

No, seriously.
Don't go away.

Hang on. I'm coming.

Okay. Coming up.

Uh...

Hello.

Okay,
just... Hang on.

Hello.

Hi, mate.

- Hi, what's your name?
- Mabel.

- Mabel.
- I can't jump down.

Okay. Well, you sit down there.

You get comfy, and I'm gonna go
down there and catch you, OK?

- Okay, you ready?
- Yeah.

Three, two, one, go!

- I did it!
- I've got you. Well done.

All right, big man. Your turn.

Okay. You got this,
mate. There we go.

- Next foot.
- That's it, darling.

And
I've got you.

Okay, Mum.

Okay.

There we go.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- You all right?
- Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's all right.

Uh, I'm Roxby. But you
can call me Roxster.

Bridget Jones.

But you can call her Mummy.

Hmm. Okay.

Oh.

I think this is yours.

Thanks.

Anything else I can help with?

God, yes.

No.

Okay.

It's nice to meet
you, Roxy.

It's Roxster.

You too, Bridget Jones.

Now obsessed
with tree-rescuing Adonis

and reentering world of flirting
simultaneously with workforce.

- Mrs Darcy.
- Mr Walliker.

Weapon at the ready,
I see.

Good to see you managed to
extricate yourself from that tree.

Oh, yes. It's the
children's favourite game.

We're completely obsessed with the
outdoors in our house.

Well, I'll have to put you down for
our Outward Bound trip next term.

Sounds like it'd be
right up your street.

Fucking fuck.

Yeah. Good.

Do you have my slime? I
promised I'd show Cosmata.

Oh.

Hey, those are mine.

Give them to me.

They are actually hers.

Well, in that case...

Bridget!

You're dressed properly.

Odd.

Heading to a meeting.

Thinking about going
back to my old job.

Oh, a job. Oh, I'll put
you down for Jobs Day then.

Fucking
fuckety fuck fuck.

Yes, absolutely.

Celestine,
merci. C'est gentil.

Actually, do you mind
tidying this up a little bit?

Sure.

Uh, what about the children?
Do you have a nanny?

Not yet.

Oh, I've got the perfect
person. She's excellent.

She's very pretty, but that
doesn't matter, Bridget,

because you don't
have a husband,

so it's absolutely immaterial how
pretty and perfect she is.

- Sounds good.
- There we go.

- Francesca.
- Sorry.

Wonderful.

It's nothing. I just
threw it together.

Ah.

Bridget? Your donation?

You didn't forget?

No.

Certainly not.

Uh, let's see.

Here we are.

Hummus.

And, uh...

Rice cakes.

And look, they've even
been opened already.

Lovely.

Ah. Her name's Chloe, and
she'll be with you at 6:30.

Raef! India! Get inside.

That's enough chatting.

Bridget Jones.

Thank you.

Four.

Four.

- Three.
- Three.

Thank you.

This is
Bridget Jones about to

go into an actual
in-person meeting.

- Brenda Jones?
- Oh, actually, it's...

Bridget Jones, there you are.
Excellent. Quick, come with me.

- Thank you, Lizzie.
- Thanks.

Good to see ya.
How have you been?

You look hot.

Oh. Thank you,
Richard.

But I think you'll find that sort
of language is a little outmoded

- in the workplace.
- No, I mean flustered.

Are you going through
the, uh, you know?

Bridget, let me
introduce you to Talitha.

Richard, what am I
supposed to do with this, huh?

Does it climb? Does
it stand on one leg?

Does it do cartwheels? It's a
tortoise. It doesn't do anything.

He can't pull out.
Who the fuck does he think he is?

Arrogant, self-important prick.

Tell that selfish arsehole
he can rot in hell.

The Dalai Lama's cancelled.

Twat. Shit.

Okay, we've got an
hour till we're on air.

We need a replacement.
Let me make a call.

I do Krav Maga with Fergie.

Duchess or Black Eyed Pea?

Duchess. She could
be here in 45.

Talitha, meet Bridget Jones.
Best producer we've ever had.

Oh.

I'm sure you're very good too.

Huge fan.

Hold this.

Loved your early
work from Chechnya.

Now I'm doing features
on incontinent tortoises.

Fergie.

- Are those glutes burning up?
- Hello.

- Hey. Sorry.
- Right.

Uh, right. Let's get rid
of this set, please, now!

So, what do you think?

Can we lure you back?

Fergie's in.

Does anyone know how to get
tortoise piss out of silk?

Blotting and mild detergent.

When can I start?

Am rejoining
ranks of London's employed

and meaningfully
contributing to society.

Can walk with head held high and
be role model for Billy and Mabel,

saving them from otherwise certain
future as alcoholic wards of the state.

It's super that the
television's invited you back.

Of course, I always stayed
at home when you were little.

Classic Mum.

Can't really talk, Mum.

I've got to tidy up before
the nanny gets here.

A nanny? Really?

Mummy doesn't love
us anymore. Ow!

Ever since Mum and
Una moved into Audsley House,

the retirement home we
have to pretend is a hotel,

the phone calls
have been the same.

Any men on the
horizon, Bridget?

Well, there's got to be someone.
Some people don't mind a widow.

Stings a bit.

Beggars can't
be choosers, Bridget.

And now, look, we're
in the hotel kitchen

doing salmon in the sous vide.

I mean, it's basically
boil-in-the-bag,

but everybody's
doing it these days.

Roxster.
Definite development.

Cooking's never
really been your thing.

Oh, must go. Bye, Mum!

Bye, bye.

Oh, God, it's her.

Hi, I'm Chloe.

Hello.

What the actual fuck?

She looks like a film star.

Chloe, this is Mabel.

Look, I can play the
recorder with my nose.

Children, this is Chloe.

She's going to come and
help with everything.

Nicolette mentioned it
would be a challenge,

- but I've certainly seen worse.
- Oh.

Oh, and this is Billy,
the science genius.

Ooh, we mustn't pigeonhole
children. It adds undue pressure.

Have you read How To
Raise a Self-Driven Child?

Oh, yes. It's-It's on my list,

so do not spoil the
ending.

Oh, not to worry, Billy.

It's not about the result.
It's about the journey.

There's something to learn
whether you get an A or a C.

Billy has
never had a C in...

Who did this?

Mr Walliker.

I drew the earth and the atmosphere,
and I put heaven over the top.

And Mr Walliker said that heaven
was a religious construct.

And he gave me a C.

Well, Mr Walliker

is a whistle-obsessed fascist

with all the soul
of a non-stick wok.

Where did you hide
the chocolate digestives?

I didn't hide...

...anything.

Well, plenty to do here.

If my body was a boat Could
you steer that, sailor?

Make it feel Like it's a
1960s Hollywood trailer...

Consumed with guilt
re hideously perfect nanny,

who children will obviously come
to love more than hopeless mother

without film star hair.

Ooh, it's what I
need Yes, 'cause

I could love you

If I really wanted to

You could be Be
my glass of wine

When the sun set Help
me exhale all the excess

Baby, bae, b- b- bae
B- b- baby, would you

Would you make it all
right? -

Or maybe that much better?

If you wanted
You could make it

All worth it, worth
it Worth it, worth it

Ooh, when I see the sun rising
You make it that much better

So I hope you're gonna make
it All worth it, worth it...

And texting Roxster
slowly became part of my life.

A relationship with no
necessity for actually meeting,

or arrangements, or sex,
or any real life at all.

In other words, the perfect relationship.

Is that the tree Adonis?

Wait a minute.

You wrote to him, "How
are you liking Tinder?"

Inoffensive,
neutral, a bit dull.

He replied, "Don't know, only joined
it to find you, Bridget Jones. "

- Shag him now.
- Mm-mmm.

Then he sent a smiley emoji

and then you responded
with the flag of Greece,

an abacus and a duck.

I panicked.

Thank you.

Who's next?

Do you want to go for a drink?

I'm so flattered.

Um, but I've got a boyfriend.

Well, sort of got a
boyfriend. I think.

Um, so nice of you
to ask, but, um...

no, thank you.

No, it's part of the meal deal.

Well, this one's easy.

You absolutely
must go. Obviously.

But we've been texting for so
long now. I can't meet him.

I mean, maybe it's like
in Jane Austen's day

when they did letter writing
for months and months

and then suddenly
just got married.

Bridget, sexting a man
that you just met in a park

is nothing like
Jane Austen's day.

- If you don't shag him, I will.
- I can't.

There is no possibility of being naked
with a man at this point in my life.

You just need a little rebrand.

You'll start by getting a slip.

- A slip?
- Yeah, with a slip,

you can show off your arms,
your legs, your décolletage,

which are always the last to go.

And keep the central area,

which one might want to
gloss over, glossed over.

And get a Brazilian.

God, no.

I like a bit of
coverage down there.

Or run a comb
through it at least.

But also, do get a Brazilian.

Just dust it. Dust it down.

Okay, I'll go!

But I'm not going
to sleep with him.

Are condoms
meant to be coloured?

Is hypersensitive good?

Large? Small? Oh.

Maybe just purchase a
representative selection.

Regular.

Mmm, exotic flavours.

Thin feel.

Extra-large.

Pleasure Me.

Lube.

Pleasure Me again.

Enjoy your weekend, Mrs Darcy.

Hello, old friend.

Hmm.

Thanks for
having the kids tonight.

Always a pleasure,
never a chore.

I'll take them to
school in the morning.

So you can stay out
as late as you want.

Make up for four
years of no shagging.

It's only a drink.

Too see-through?

Mmm. Definitely.

OK.

How about this?

OK.

The reality suddenly
completely terrifying,

and Mark, and insane and flabby.

And oh, God, oh, God.

I can't.

- I really can't.
- Oh. What? What?

- No, I just can't.
- Aw. Hey, you can.

You just need to think of it as
widening your circle of friends.

That's all.

Hmm?

Come on.

Put on the dress,
get out of here

and widen your fucking circle.

Oh, God. Look at him.

What if he's perfect?

Hello.

Hi.

There's a really great place around
here that's been here for forever.

Do you know this area at all?

Mmm, I used to.

Yeah, the, uh, Heath Ranger
thing is just a day job.

And my real passion is garbage.

Really?

The technical term
is garbologist.

I'm a biochemist.
Studying to be one.

You're a student.

A late-in-life
one, anyway. Yeah.

How late?

I'm 28.

I'm just kidding.

I'm 29.

Fuck.

Is he closer in age
to me or to Billy?

What about you?

You are...

Slightly older.

I'm gonna say 35-ish.

Yes.

Bull's-eye.

Let's say 35.

- Mmm. Thirty-five it is.
- Mm-hmm.

Is 35 all right?

I think older women,

ever so slightly older women,

have a wiser view on life.

You know, they're
more experienced

and more emotionally mature.

Me in a nutshell.

I find that very attractive.

Oh, God. I have no idea
how any of this works anymore.

Is it all right if I kiss you?

Aw. The
generation who ask.

I think that would
be acceptable.

Give me just one moment.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

Put your hand down, boy

Welcome to my zoo

Put your head inside My
big, black wild while

I can still help you

See the snake-baboon

Funky, chic and smooth

Honey, can you spy
The divine ape-swine

'Cause he can see you

I...

You all right?

Yeah. It's just...

Yeah. Okay.

Wow. It's really tight.

I'm a man I'm a twisted fool

My hands are twisted, too...

I am
an animal... -Oh, God.

...that starts with E

- Mabel's.
- Ah.

I'm a man

I'm a twisted fool

My hands are twisted too

Five fingers
Two black hooves

You make me so hard, baby.

You make me hard.

What?

Got toes and I can smile

I'm crooked but upright

How did that happen?
I'm using protection.

La, la, la, la Whoo

I'm so nine-to-five

- Hi, Bridge.
- Morning.

I've got coffee and
I've got Ricky Gervais's

requests for today's show.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

- It's big.
- Yeah.

- A relaxation corner.
- Uh-huh.

Three full-length mirrors.

And he'll only use La
Mer for some reason?

I know.

- Ooh. Three, please.
- Three.

Did you have sex last night?

What? No.

Won't you take a hold of me

Sam! Ricky Gervais
is on his way in.

And, apparently, he won't drink
Evian, only Icelandic water.

And it's got to have
lots of alkalines.

Or no alkalines.

Um...

Did you have sex last night?

What? No!

La, la, la, la

God!

Tape measure, please. Quick.

The cushion can't be more than 40
centimetres from the floor for Ricky.

Did you have sex last night?

Yes. I
did. Okay? I did.

I had a full night of
utterly mind-blowing sex

with a tree-rescuing rubbish expert Adonis
who might be slightly younger, probably.

And it was amazing!

Okay?

So what?

Lost in romance

Let's just dance, ooh

Shake it till the
pearls Get lost

La, la, la, la

Am not only
mother and sexual being,

but also capable working
woman at the top of her game.

So take that, Chloe.

I've done the macaroni and cheese,
but with butternut squash instead.

It's in the bottom oven. Just needs to
move to the top in about 20 minutes.

Good. Good. Right.

It's just how I would do it.

Um... Oh, Chloe,

uh, it would be really helpful

to have their water bottles
done the night before.

In the fridge. Top right.

Where the expired milk was.

Oh, great. Great. Um...

Billy will need something
extra for snack tomorrow.

- He's got...
- Cricket, yeah.

In a snack bag. Labelled.
By the bread bin.

- We have a bread bin?
- I have to leave, I'm afraid.

Graham and I have
tai chi on Thursdays.

6:45 sharp, but earlier
to get the spot you want.

Oh. 'Course.

You and Graham
enjoy your tai chi.

Oh, you forgot to leave
out Billy's cricket things,

but never mind. I'll do it.

Bag packed by the door.

Nevertheless,

secret to calmer,
happier parenting:

one-night stands.

Although, it wasn't
just one night.

Brought a pie.

Hmm.

That was funny.

And so, a
moment turned into a date,

which turned into a kiss.

Which turned into a night.

Ooh

What a wonderful thing...

And the night
turned into a summer.

I can see You
standing there now

And you're The
prettiest thing

In the crowd

And guess who Be
laughing loud, but me

You made me see the love

That you're giving me

Baby...

Won't you hold my hand?

Just let me know
that I'm your man

And show I'm not ashamed

I walk the floor

When you leave me

Hey, baby

I don't know about you

Let me tell you
what I'm gonna do

I'm gonna try to make
My dreams come true

With you

Morning. Welcome back.

- Good morning, Mr Walliker.
- Morning.

- Morning.
- Mrs Darcy.

How were your summer holidays?

I have a new daddy now.

His name is Roxster,

and he always gives Mummy

a funny hairstyle
in the morning.

Yes, well. It's not that
funny, is it, Mabel?

It is.

He's not a new daddy.
He's just someone.

Off you go.

Well, it seems
congratulations are in order.

You!

- No. You two. Come on.
- Bye, Mum. See you soon. Bye.

Bisous,
bisous, bisous.

Bridget, I emailed you
from Anguilla about, um...

Jobs Day, yes. I come prepared.

I must say, it's a welcome
change, all... this.

Thank you.

All right,
everyone. Settle down.

Settle down. Thank you.

Um, so...

Last term, Daveed's dad was
kind enough to talk to us

about being a thoracic surgeon,

and next week,
Eugenie's mum will be in

to talk about her role
as a nuclear physicist,

and how it felt to
win the Nobel Prize.

But today, it's Billy's mum.

So, everyone, give a warm
welcome to Mrs Darcy.

Hello.

Um.

I am a television producer.

My mum says television
is making society rot.

Yes. Well, thank you, Priscilla.

OK. May
we have a volunteer?

Thank you, Esmeralda.

Right.

You can stand here.

Very good.

And you are going
to say things like,

"Ten seconds to air!"

And I am going to be the
interviewer for the day.

Now...

Just...

Right. OK.

Perhaps Mr Walliker could be
the person being interviewed.

Take a seat.

Uh, righto.

Now, topic.

The life cycle of the fruit fly. Hmm?

Right, OK.

Ooh. Ten seconds to air!

Hello, this is Bridget Jones,

and I'm delighted to have Mr
Walliker on the show today

to help us understand the
life cycle of the fruit fly.

Um, well, it's a...

it's a pleasure
to be on the show.

And, um, thank you
for that question.

Um...

Well, the, uh, the average...

Thank you.

Uh, the average fly takes about

two weeks to mature

and can live for as
long as 40 or 50 days.

And then, like all living things,
when it dies, it simply stops.

Cellular shutdown.

It falls, gradually decomposes,

and becomes part
of the soil system.

But does it really
end when it dies?

Exactly, Mr Walliker.

Surely there's
more to the story.

Um, well. Well, not really.

But, yes.

After the body of the
fruit fly stops working,

uh, then the soul
of the fruit fly

will be able to be free, yes?

And that particular fruit fly

will always, in some
senses, be with us.

- The soul of the fruit fly?
- Hmm.

There's no evidence for a soul,

but the body is a perfect
system of electrical pulses,

powered by the heart,
which is in itself

- a pump, if you will...
- The soul, Mr Walliker,

is the essence of
every living thing.

If you think we're
simply bits of machinery

that can be switched on or off,

then where does art come from?

Or-Or wonder? Or poetry?

- Or magic?
- Magic?

The fruit fly, when it dies,

will stay with its fruit
fly family forever.

Keep the interview
on point, Bridget.

This
is utter nonsense.

Our world is governed
by laws and fact.

That's our universe.

- And it is rational.
- Cut!

I'm a realist, Mrs Darcy.

I believe in what's real.

Cut!

Off to
Talitha's birthday.

Are you sure you're
OK to stay tonight?

It's Thursday. I thought
you and Graham had tai chi.

Won't kill him to
miss a week, will it?

He's so uptight.

Oh, you look nice, Bridget.

Oh!

Ooh.

Oh, try this.

There.

Thanks, Chloe.

Billy! Mabes!
Snacks on the table.

So where is he?
Is he not coming?

Oh, it's fine. He must
have been held up.

- What? By some sort of rubbish emergency?
- Oh.

- Probably had to finish his homework.
- Stop it.

Hope he gets here
before story time.

Shut it!

Come the fuck on, Bridge.

Does this guy actually exist

or is it, um, like that one time

that you saw Brad
Pitt at Costa Coffee?

- It was him. It was.
- Come on. Really?

- Happy birthday.
- Lovely to see you.

What on earth are you holding?

Oh, Petula.

A present to myself

and I already prefer
her to any human.

Oh, hi.

Happy
birthday to you

Oh, here. Can you hold my baby

while I feign
surprise at the cake

that I chose and
bought for myself.

Oh, look! Look at that!

Happy birthday, dear Talitha

Thank you. Oh, look.

Happy birthday to you

Thank you.

Thank you all so
much for coming today

to help me celebrate, well, me.

We love you, Talitha.

- Talitha!
- Talitha! Happy birthday.

Beep, beep. Beep, beep.

Binko Carruthers.

Oh, please don't come
over. Please don't.

Beep, beep.

There she is. The
famous Bridget Jones.

So I told Cosmo I'd
take you out for a spin.

How's Friday?

Fuck, no!

Jude, get in there. Come on, get
the fuck in there! God, help!

Oh, my God. Oh!

- Petula, come on, darling.
- Petula! Petula!

I'm mad about the boy

And I know it's stupid

To be mad about the boy

Who's that?

I'm so ashamed of it

But must admit The
sleepless nights I've had

About the boy

Ooh, ooh, ooh

On the silver screen...

He melts my foolish heart
In every single scene

Although I'm quite aware...

That here and
there Are traces...

- I think this belongs to you.
- Thank you.

About the boy

Lord knows I'm
not a fool girl

- Hello.
- Hi.

I really shouldn't care

Lord knows I'm
not a school girl

Who's in the flurry...

Sorry I'm late. Buses
were a nightmare.

It's fine.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

She just jumped out of my arms.

Do not apologise.

Oh, my darling.

Let me help you out
of those wet clothes.

No. Don't you dare redress him.

- You look gorgeous.
- You look gorgeous.

All because I'm mad

About the boy

Now that, my darling, is
what I call a rebrand.

Hi. I'm Roxster.

We've come a long
Long way together

I hope he's up to it, darling.

Through the hard
times And the good

I have to celebrate you Baby

I have to praise
you like I should

I have to praise you

I have to praise you

I have to praise you

- Hello.
- Oh, fuck off.

I have to praise
you like I should

I have to praise you

I have to praise you

I want a little
sugar In my bowl

If there is a God,

I'm sure he had more
to deal with that night

than my personal happiness,

but it did feel like he'd taken
the night off everything else

to focus on me.

But then...

I wish I had a time machine.

Feel so funny

I feel so sad

What's the matter, baby?

A time machine.

Come on, save my soul

In his moment
of inebriated joy,

he had given himself away.

In my bowl

It mattered to him.

And with that came the elephant
stomping heavily into the room.

I try to discover...

That happens
to us all, James.

Oh, I do have
about 60 naps a day.

Well, 60 in the morning
and a nap in the afternoon.

Yeah, but you've got so many
interesting characters in this show.

So this show is for...

Ghosting.

The practice of
ending a relationship

by suddenly and
without explanation

withdrawing from
all communication.

That you give me No
reason why you...

The slow unveiling
of reality and rejection.

That you give me no
That you give me no

That you give me no
That you give me no...

The casual cruelty.

I hear you calling

Oh, baby, please...

Give a little respect

To me

What religion or reason

Could cause a man To
forsake his lover?

Don't you tell me no...

Do not
text when ghosted.

Don't you tell
me no Soul...

Do not
text when drunk.

I hear you calling

Oh, baby, please

Give a little respect

To me

Ghost the bastard back, Bridget.

Just let him disintegrate
into nothingness.

It can be a jungle out there.

Yep. And I'm the giant panda,

sexually obsolete and
destined to be alone forever.

No. You will adapt and
survive like we all do.

I used to be on the cover of
Vanity Fairin a flak jacket.

And now I'm on the cover of
Good Housekeepingwith a pavlova.

Cathy...

where's your special stuff?

HD TV was an
extinction-level event

for the fearless career
television presenter.

I'm about to usher you
into your next chapter.

Lip serum. I
get it on the dark web.

- Is it legal?
- Absolutely.

In Venezuela.

Here, take it.

Adapt and survive.

Adapt and survive.

Ooh. Something's
definitely happening.

It's either disastrous
or totally fantastic.

Mummy!

Hi, sweetie.

Shit. What's
happening to my voice?

Mabel's shoes are
on the wrong feet.

No. My feet are
on the wrong legs.

Silly thing.

Mummy, something's
wrong with your mouth.

No.

No, there isn't.

Yes, there is. Look.

Your lips are all
funny right there.

Darling,
don't be ridiculous.

All right, Mabel, let's get
these swapped over, shall we?

Out we pop. All right.

I wouldn't do that again
if I were you, Mrs Darcy.

You looked all
right to begin with.

All right.

You're
trying to look younger

and the effects have marked similarities
to those of an elderly stroke victim.

You're actually drooling now.

Oh, dear.

Now, acutely aware as
I am of my waiting room

filled to capacity
with actual patients...

not to mention the fact
that I am a gynaecologist

and that particular
set of lips is,

as it were, broadly
speaking, at the wrong end...

I am nonetheless going
to ask you the question,

"Bridget, are you OK?"

A simple yes will suffice.

No.

It's all your fault.

"Twat. " Sorry, it's
doctor's handwriting.

That's an A, in
the middle there.

Now, I rather
zoned out after "pyjamas",

but a toy boy is not the answer,
Bridget, and nor are big lips.

You're a widow

with two wonderful
children who adore you.

You're just trying to cope
with a shitty situation.

Embrace the chaos.

That's just a simple
allergic reaction to

hydroxymethoxyphenyl
propylmethylmethoxybenzofuran

in whatever infernal concoction
you've smeared on your mouth.

This is an antihistamine.

It'll work straight away.

It's for the lips.

They still haven't invented
anything for being a twat.

Hello.

Yes, this is Bridget.

Of course! Straight away.

Yes, yes.

Daniel.

Well, by all that's holy,

Bridget Jones.

Nice of you to come, Jones.

If I'd known, I'd have
worn a tinier nightie.

What happened?

My heart.

Two massive surprises.

One, I have one.
Two, it murmurs.

They've, um, had a
listen and I don't know.

Are you OK?

Well, I thought I was
having a heart attack.

My whole life passed
before my eyes.

You actually featured
prominently, Jones.

- Hmm.
- All the best bits.

Rome. Mini-break weekend.

Sodomy in Sainsbury's.

But, uh, mainly,

it was just me wandering
up and down the King's Road

trying to twinkle
at 20-year-olds.

Mmm.

Perhaps it's an opportunity
for a new beginning.

Brand-new Daniel.

Mmm.

I think I shall
stay right here...

until you agree.

Well that is kind of
you, Bridge, but, um...

they told me I don't have long.

- What?
- No, no, no. Fuck. No, not that.

Well, maybe that.
No, they, uh...

they're taking me for
some tests in a minute.

The question is, would we say
I've become a fraction tragic?

They asked me to put
down my next of kin.

And the only person I could think
of who might remotely care was you.

- That's very sweet.
- Yeah, but not deliberately.

The point is, Bridge,
how have I arrived

at this point in my
life with no kin?

How could I possibly be kinless?

But you're not.
You're not kinless.

Well, I haven't seen
Enzo since he was two.

And he is now being happily
raised by his mother

and an Italian aristocrat who
wears his jumper like a shawl.

So, lucky you, Jones.

Your two, the way
they look at you...

just makes one realise...

one's own fuck-ups, really.

The glory of what
might have been.

Did you know...

it was actually quite good

with Gisele at the
beginning?

I have to face the fact...

...that it may have
been, Jones, love.

The real thing.

I still don't know what she
was so pissed off about.

You shagged her sister.

Once. Massive overreaction.

God, I love you, Daniel.

Despite your really
quite impressive

lifelong dedication
to total fuckwittage.

Yeah.

There's a lot I don't know.

An awful lot.

But I do know that my children
would give anything at all

to have just one
day with their dad.

Time
for your obs, Mr Cleaver.

Oh, right.

And, again, there
is really no need

for you to remove your gown.

Sorry.

Okey-doke.

God.

Then lights down on
the cooking segment.

Why do I always have
to do the cooking bits?

That chestnut ravioli
he cooked last time

was the worst thing I've
ever put in my mouth.

I highly doubt that.

And then, Miranda, you
cross to the stage.

"And now, on Better Women, a
surprise guest. " Blah blah.

And lights!

Yeah, I'm a fighter

And I made it through

Solid gold
survivor That's...

Hold it!

Linus, we've got to practise
following her with the lights.

So, uh...

maybe you could
dance a bit? Yeah?

- Uh...
- OK. Go, Linus!

So give me light

You've got to find
Your own road...

Can you hold that, please? See,
you've got to, you know, go for it.

Help me see...

'Cause she's going
to, you know...

And no more light
And no more love

It's not over...

It's not over

I won't save you
when I'm weak

Only got so much
left To give

It's not over

It's not over

Till I'm done...

Till I'm done

- See, Linus?
- Hi, B.

Oh, shit.

Brought a pie.

Sorry, they
just told me to come in.

You
disappeared, Roxster.

I know.

I know.

I panicked.

I got... I got
scared, and I ran.

But I want this.

You.

I thought I wasn't
ready, but I am.

I thought I...

I don't know, wanted
somebody my own age,

but I don't.

I love you, Bridget.

I'm ready for all of it.

For Billy and Mabel.

And burnt lasagne.

And slime.

And all of it.

I promise
you, I am ready.

I'm not
sure that matters.

What do you mean? I
don't... I don't understand.

You're so lovely,

and you're going to be

a brilliant partner and dad.

And you're going to discover

all sorts of garbage that
will change the world.

That's not how it works.

But not with me.

I wish I had a time machine too.

So you could catch up.

Are you... Are you sure?

I am.

I'll keep the pie, if that's OK.

Goodbye, Bridget.

Parents' evening.

Is there a worse night
for the single parent?

They call it parents' evening

as if it's a plural.

As if it's a given
that there's two of us.

Oh, well. Chin up and onward.

Mrs Darcy.

It's good to see you.

Good to be back in the studio.

The great
fruit fly debate.

Uh...

Small secret.

It was about 50 times
more interesting

than that bloody
thoracic surgeon.

And don't get me started
on the physicist.

I mean, they'll hand out
Nobels to anyone these days.

Oh, yeah.

So, uh, Billy.

Well, he's, um... he's
an excellent cricketer.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know,

he's a very good
young scientist.

He's... he's got a good brain.

He's methodical, his
experiments are well drawn up.

Look, I mean, it's just, uh...

it's excellent work all round.

- Good.
- It's just this, Mrs Darcy. I'm...

I'm a...

I'm a bit concerned about him.

Concerned? Concerned
how? What's he done?

No, he hasn't done
anything. He's, um...

He's just been a bit, uh...

withdrawn.

Why is he withdrawn?

Everything's been
all right at home?

Yes, yes. It's all fine.

Everything
OK with your, um...

hairdresser?

Him? No, but-but yes. Uh...

He's withdrawn?

Well, I don't mean to alarm you.

- Sorry about that. Yep, exactly.
- Mr Walliker, sorry, sorry.

We're a couple of minutes early,
but these sessions are so short.

And I have more than a
few questions for you.

You don't mind, do you, Bridget?

We do have the two boys, so...

Not at all. No.
That's... It's fine.

- Mate, I'm gonna have to put you on mute.
- Thank you.

- Right.
- I've got parents' evening.

Mark Darcy, the leading

international humanitarian
rights lawyer,

was killed this morning in
the Darfur region in Sudan.

...a land mine.
The 55-year-old was in

the war-torn region after
joining international efforts...

Mr Darcy was a leading
international figure in human rights

and crisis resolution...

...gained
global recognition

with the Kafir Aghani
and Eleanor Heaney case,

which, of course, he won.

He leaves behind his
wife, Bridget Jones,

and their two young
children, Billy and Mabel.

More on this story as we get it.

Dearest
darling Mark,

it's your birthday
on Sunday, and...

...I'm just no good at
doing this on my own.

I'm sorry I'm such a bad mother.

I'm sorry I got caught
up with a callow toy boy.

I'm sorry I'm late for school
and that Billy's withdrawn.

They're growing up without you.

How is Billy going to understand

how to be a man
without his father?

How is Mabel going
to live her life

having never really
known you at all?

Please forgive me
for being upset

about anything which isn't
about not having you.

Please help me find
a way to do this

without feeling like I'm ruining
the most important part of my life.

The only part that
still has you in it.

I have to put down how many tickets
we need for my Christmas concert.

- Mm-hmm.
- Should I put down two? For you and Mabel?

Put three.

Mabel, me and Chloe.

OK. Three.

Finished.

Me too.

Daddy will love these.

They're perfect.

Yes.

Did you write one, Mummy?

I did.

Tomorrow, can we
post them to Daddy?

Of course we can.

And Mark's birthday
came as it always did...

like all the celebrations,
Christmases and anniversaries.

All the love and all the pain.

OK. Ready?

On three.

One, two...

What am I going to
do when I get to...

...three.

What I have is what
I love most in the world.

Billy and Mabel.

Just the three of us.

Whoo!

- Mr Walliker.
- Mrs Darcy.

Darling, you got
to let me Know...

Billy!

- Hello!
- Hello!

Ready?

If
you say that you are mine

I'll be here till
the end Of time

So you got to let me know

Should I stay
Or should I go?

Should I stay Or
should I go now?

Should I stay Or
should I go now?

If I go There
will be trouble

And if I stay It
will be double

So you gotta let me know

Should I stay
Or should I go?

Have a good walk, then.

Thank you.

Bye.

All right, come in.

Now...

what this is not is a "walk. "

We are about to embark as a team

on an orienteering adventure.

- So do you each have your compasses?
- Yes!

- Do you each have your maps?
- Yes!

Right then, you know
your groups. Hands up, Otters!

You'll go along with Mr Collins
and Bikram's mum, Mrs Pasricha.

Billy's mum, Mrs Darcy. You've
drawn the short straw, I'm afraid.

You'll be joining
me and the Ospreys.

Now, this is very important.

Remember to open your
eyes and look around.

This is one of the most

beautiful places on earth.

Enjoy it.

Let's go.

- You sure you're up to this, Mrs Darcy?
- Absolutely!

I was a Queen's Guide.

Got my Pioneer badge.

I can rope, knot,
splice and lash.

If you need anything tied up,

I'm your girl.

Right then. Bring up the rear.

Yes! Bringing up the rear!

Up!

We're gonna see much
more water than that.

Up the rear!

Yep.

Make sure everybody's with us.

You can see the
second waterfall, can't you?

Well, those two are together.

Coming!

Hurry along. Come on!

- Give me your hand.
- Wow. So cool.

OK.

Right.

Is there a Wi-Fi password?

Oh, Atticus, don't be a pillock.

All right, take this tarp

and spread it out on the
floor over there, all right?

Come on.

It's all right.
It's dry.

Mrs Darcy, could
you take that wheelbarrow,

pick up some firewood
for when the rain stops?

Yep.

All right, everyone.
Do your best to get dry.

Ding-fucking-dong.

Whenever you're ready.

Looks like
we'll be here for a while.

It really is
absolutely disgusting.

Burnt to a crisp.

I think you'll
find it's a br�l�e.

Come on, then.

Off to Bedfordshire.

Goodnight,
Mr Walliker.

- Here we are.
- Sleep well, team.

- Well done today.
- Thank you.

Okay. Night night.

Goodnight.

Mission accomplished.

One barnful of
sleeping children.

Don't get me wrong, I'm quite
impressed by your resourcefulness,

but who travels to
the Lake District

with a backpack full of
marshmallows?

All parents know the marshmallow

is an essential
tool, Mr Walliker.

Do you have children?

Uh, no. No, no, I
never did any of that.

But, um...

It's funny. In the
back of your mind,

you think it might
happen, and...

But, you know, one day,

you're preparing a test
for a periodic table...

...and you realise
it's the 27th one you've set,

and there's just never been time

to really think about
having anything like a...

like a family in between.

But it's good.

It's good. I, uh...

Well, it suits me.

Mmm.

I see it does.

I mean, look at that.

All of it.

You asked me where's the
wonder and the magic.

It's a good question.

I think it's here.

You don't believe in
magic, Mr Walliker.

No.

Well, I've been thinking.

Mummy?

Atticus is really frightened.

He says his mum sings Puccini
to him when he's scared.

Well, he might have to settle
for some early Take That,

but I'll see what
I can do, okay?

Mr Walliker,

do you mind if I sit
here for a minute?

Of course. Sit down.

- Is there anything you want to...
- It's just...

what if I forget him?

I don't wanna forget him.

But what if I do?

Let me tell you
this, Billy, um...

Your dad is everywhere.

He's everywhere.

Right now...

in this moment.

And that's a scientific fact.

Energy is only transferred.

It can never be destroyed.

And more importantly,

your father is in you.

And Mabel.

Billy, tell me something...

one thing...

that you remember best

about your dad.

Another Christmas
Is around the corner

And I can feel us,
darling Getting closer

It's coming down the
road And stopping it now

Stopping it now
Is impossible...

Can we?

- May we.
- Yes.

I built a snowman
out The back

It came alive And flew
me Round this sleepy town

I put an old scarf
round Its neck...

Careful!

And every time
You kiss me...

Chop-chop.

One, two. One, two.

May I have
your hot chocolate?

- No. No! Marshmallows!
- Yes. Yes.

Mabel, why don't I
take you to your seat? Come on.

Is that all right?

- Don't dawdle, Mrs Darcy.
- No.

Show's starting.

Yes, of course.

- That sounds fantastic.
- Yeah.

I'll see you at Nobu at 7.00.

Oh, for God's sake, Victor.

Fucking prick.

Bravo! Bravo.

Thank you, Eros
and Atticus Soltani-Watkins.

Now, although it's
not on the programme,

we do have one...
one more song.

Um, I happen to know it
means a lot to our singer.

And, um... well, this is his
first-ever solo performance,

and I know he'll
do himself proud.

I'd do anything

For you, dear, anything

For you mean everything

To me

I know that

I'd go anywhere

For your smile, anywhere

For your smile

Everywhere I'd see

Would you climb a hill?

Anything

Wear a daffodil? Anything

Leave me all your
will? Anything

Even fight my Bill?

What? Fisticuffs?

I'd risk everything

For one kiss, everything

Yes, I'd do anything

Anything

For you

Go, Billy!

Bravo!

Oh, my darling.

Daddy would be so proud of you.

I know.

Well done,
Billy. You nailed it.

- Were you surprised, Mum?
- Yes.

- Genius.
- Up top.

- So, can I have a sleepover with Bikram?
- Yes.

- And did you bring my...
- Yes.

Bikram! Nintendo!

Mr Walliker, Billy was...

The whole thing
was...

- It was...
- It was magic, Mrs Darcy.

No, it wasn't.

What you've done for Billy...

People talk about
moving on like it means,

you know, leaving
something behind,

you know, leaving
someone you love behind,

but perhaps it's more
that suddenly you see

you can live at the same time
as all the things you've lost,

and that you can be
happy even without them.

And tonight, I saw
my son up there

and I understood for the
first time in four years

that he's going to be okay.

And so, we're going to be okay.

And you did that, Mr Walliker.

It wasn't magic.

It was you.

So, I'll overlook your tendency
to be a little aloof...

Some might call
it condescending.

Supercilious is a good word

and you probably don't hear
it enough, but the point is...

thank you.

Mr Walliker?

We're going to The
Spaniards for a drink.

Um, and if you wanted to come,

well, we'd be there

because that's where we'll be.

Can't be taught. Can't
be taught. It was unbelievable.

- Mrs Darcy.
- The flautists, an absolute triumph.

One of the best
Christmas shows I've ever seen.

Christmas shows don't get
much better than that. Extraordinary.

No, it doesn't. Don't
look at me like that.

- Billy! How did it go?
- Billy!

- I did a solo.
- Oh!

Congratulations.

Come here. Have a squidge.

He was brilliant.

- Hello, Mabel. How are you?
- Well done. I bet you were.

- Chloe has a video.
- You look lovely.

- There's a video?
- A video?

Chloe? Video?

Congratulations.

Hi. Uh, four, uh...

large glasses of
white wine, please.

Wine. Wine.

Oh, house white. Party petrol.

- Bikram's here!
- Your wine, ladies.

- What are you doing down there?
- Nothing.

- Well, there we go.
- Congratulations, darling.

- To Billy.
- He was wonderful. Billy.

- Absolutely wonderful.
- Yes.

But I can tell you, I... I knew
from his glow it was a triumph.

No, honestly.

I mean, once you've
tasted success...

You had
literally one song, Tom.

Yes, you know, my
mother always says

if you've got nothing nice to
say, then shut the fuck up.

Your mother's right,
so shut the fuck up.

We should
never shut the fuck up.

Stop telling everyone
else to shut the fuck up.

We can, yes.

- No. Come on.
- Good overtaking.

No, I didn't. That was him.

Mum. That way.

Mr Walliker!

Aren't you coming in?

Well, actually, I was. I...

I wanted to say
something to you,

but it's the wrong time.

You're there with
everyone, and...

I'm better with people about
4 foot tall.

4'1". That's my sweet spot,
as it turns out, so...

Where are you going?

Well, look, I really just
wanted to discuss Newton.

Newton?

I mean, we already covered
Newton's second law, gravity,

in the tree when you were
pretending not to be stuck.

But the one that's always
fascinated me isn't the second law.

I mean, any idiot can see that
an apple's gonna fall down.

What's it gonna do, fall up?

It's a hopelessly
overrated law, the second.

No, the one that's always
interested me is the third law.

You'll know what that is.

Yes.

Of
course. But go on.

For every action, there's an
equal and opposite reaction.

It's a fundamental
law of our universe.

It's, uh... It's an inescapable
fact of our existence,

and I was coming to
say that you are...

this force, Mrs Darcy...

to me.

Equal and... opposite.

And just as Newton
predicted, it's irresistible.

I see it.

Right now, just standing
here, I feel it,

and it's as real to me as the
things I loved when I was a boy

and first started
looking at the world.

You see, it's not really order

that we science people fall
in love with, Mrs Darcy,

it's the beauty in things.

The beauty,

to be specific...

in you.

Oh.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

- I don't know what I was thinking.
- No, no.

This is exactly why I
decided not to come in.

I've clearly got entirely
the wrong end of the...

- Mr Walliker...
- Look, I just want you to know

that this is not going to
be awkward at all. At all.

- Please stop talking.
- With Billy and school.

Let's just pretend this never
happened, please. Let's just...

It was either that or a whistle,

and I haven't got a
whistle, Mr Walliker.

Call me Scott, for God's sake.

Yes, Mr Walliker.

Right, shake it, shake
it, shake it. No, go mad.

That's it. Now pour it out.

Very good.

Insert one cherry.

And that, my friends, is
how we make a Dirty Bitch.

Christ. That may even be a
Filthy Bitch. Pass that round.

Now, similar but
not at all the same,

the Bad Mummy.

Little bit of vodka.

- Yeah?
- Come here.

Okay, you're in charge.

Is that who I think it is?

So they tell me, yeah.
What do you think?

You have sad
eyes, angelo mio.

Why so sad? They make me sad.

I want to see the smile.

Stop it.

He's 16!

Yeah. Late starter.

Where in
Italy are you from?

- Bologna.
- Bologna.

- Yeah.
- Say it again.

- Bologna.
- Bologna.

Enzo, the kids are gonna watch
a movie upstairs. You coming?

He'll stay.

Boys.

I think you're proud.

Relief, really, Jones.

Kin, as you said.

- Enzo.
- Yeah?

Vieni qua.

- I beg your pardon.
- Okay.

- Ciao.
- Ciao.

This is your hostess

and one of the great loves of
your father's life, Bridget Jones.

Ooh!

It's nice to meet you, Enzo.

He says it is a great
honour to meet you.

Oh!

And then he says that those are

very, very silly little boots.

You have incredible posture.

You're not Danish, are you?

Well, I can be
anything you want.

It is, isn't it? I know, and
it's working really well for you,

but all I'm saying is maybe
it's time for a rebrand.

Have you ever thought
about having a pixie cut?

No.

Oh, you have the face for it.

And it's utterly changed
my life.

Nonsense, Pam. You're
perfect just as you are.

Is that a Dirty Bitch?

Steady on.

Oh, yes, please. Yes,
thank you very much.

Thanks.

- Just what the doctor ordered.
- Me too.

- Always. Take a horn.
- Give me the fucking horn.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Yep.

- Mmm. Oh.
- Mmm. Mmm.

I'll be honest, I don't know what I'd have
done in the past 20 years without you lot.

- Twenty?
- No, it's not. It's thirty?

Yeah, it's more like
30 years, to be honest.

We've had some fucking
fun though, haven't we?

We have.

Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three,

two, one!

Happy New Year!

...be forgot

And never brought to mind?

Happy New Year.

Should auld
acquaintance Be forgot

For the sake Of
auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear

For auld lang syne

We'll take a cup
Of kindness yet

For the sake Of
auld lang syne

I forgot to check.

Look.

Goodnight.

Ooh.

Bloody zip.

Bastard tyrannical dress people.

I've got it.

Thank you.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

I could go back
to The old place

And write your name
On every blank page

But it's a story
now Just a story now

Just the kind of
thing that You'd say

They say no need
to Look behind me

That I can keep
you Here beside me

To make a mess of it
To make the best of it

It isn't perfect
But it might be

There's a lot of
ground To cover

One foot and then the other

On my way, my way
To somewhere new

A few false starts
Can you forgive this

Cautious car and
just bear with it

While it does what I
thought it couldn't do

I could go back
to The old place

And write your name
On every blank page

But it's a story
now Just a story now

Just the kind of
thing that You'd say

They say no need
to Look behind me

That I can keep
you Here beside me

To make a mess of it
To make the best of it

It isn't perfect
But it might be

Mmm

Treading lightly
Thinking slightly

It just might be
It just might be

Treading lightly
Thinking slightly

It just might be
It just might be

It just might be

Oh, I can go back
to The old place

And write your name
On every blank page

But it's a story
now Just a story now

Just the kind of
thing that You'd say

That there's no need
to Look behind me

That I can keep
you Here beside me

To make a mess of it
To make the best of it

It isn't perfect
But it might be

Like it might be

Like it might be

Whoo, whoo

Might be, might be Might be

["Have You Met Miss
Jones?"

"Have you met Miss Jones?"

Someone said as
We shook hands

She was just
Miss Jones To me

And then I said "Miss Jones

You're a girl
Who understands

I'm a man Who must be free"

And all at once
I lost my breath

And all at once
Was scared to death

And all at once

I owned the earth and sky

And now I've met Miss Jones

And we'll keep on
meeting 'til we die

Miss Jones and I

Whoa, fellas

And all at once
I lost my breath

And all at once
Was scared to death

And all at once

I owned the earth and sky

Now I've met Miss Jones

And we'll keep on
meeting 'til we die

Miss Jones and I

Miss Jones and I

Miss Jones and I

Miss Jones and I

Ha!

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