Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:18,136
Hi, guys. Joe Wicks back
for lockdown number two.
2
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:20,936
Now, just because we've been
through all this before,
3
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:22,296
doesn't mean we have to slack off.
4
00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:24,936
Staying positive and exercising
for mental health
5
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:26,936
is even more important.
6
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,936
So, let's stay positive,
positive, positive.
7
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,960
Star jumps, press-ups...
8
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,936
Mind if I join you, kid?
9
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,936
Hey, didn't you use to be the flu?
10
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:44,136
I am still am, baby.
11
00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:47,936
Boy, hasn't been the same
since my press agent died on me.
12
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:49,936
You look down in the dumps.
13
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,936
They've got a vaccine against me.
14
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,936
90% effective.
15
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,936
That's the business, kid.
16
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,936
One minute you're grabbing
the headlines
17
00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,936
hosted by presidents
and prime ministers,
18
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,936
next thing,
you're a seasonal infection
19
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,160
people treat with nasal spray.
20
00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:06,936
Oh, wow! Hey, that hurts!
21
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,936
Anyway, I heard you killed
with the mink.
22
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,936
Mink? It's a Beverly Hills rat!
23
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,936
Still, it beats bats and pangolins.
24
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:18,616
God, I hate the taste of pangolins.
Eurgh!
25
00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:20,936
Hey, respect your roots.
26
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:22,936
You don't hear me dumping on ducks.
27
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,976
Well, what am I supposed to do now?
28
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:28,936
Relax.
You think Chickenpox is worried?
29
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,136
He's throwing kids' parties.
30
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:33,616
And his Uncle Shingles is huge
with the cruise ship crowd.
31
00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:38,936
Yeah. Maybe I just gotta
mutate with the times.
32
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:40,616
That's the spirit.
33
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:42,936
Shots? Shots?
34
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:45,936
I'm joking, kid. Loosen up.
35
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:50,936
A toast to the anti-vaxxers,
cos there ain't no cure for stupid.
36
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,960
Do you mind if I get the barman?
Go for it.
37
00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:05,960
This could take a while.
38
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:11,936
New James Bond auditions,
Black Baby Yoda, take one.
39
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:15,296
HE GROWLS Bond, my name is.
40
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:17,776
You've got the part.
41
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:18,976
♪ California dreaming... ♪
42
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:22,936
Harry, it came, it finally came.
43
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,936
It's an invy
to a fancy formal event.
44
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:28,936
The Obama Foundation Awards Gala.
45
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:32,936
Oh, is this one of them
socks and shoes things?
46
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,936
The important thing is,
Michelle will be there.
47
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,936
She's turning her book Becoming
into a big-budget movie.
48
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:41,936
This is my chance to convince her
I'd be perfect to play the lead.
49
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,936
When they go low, we go high!
50
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:45,937
Fantastic.
51
00:02:45,961 --> 00:02:49,456
I will be-coming
to watch that movie!
52
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,936
HE CHUCKLES Hang on.
53
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,936
This invitation is for LeBron James.
54
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,936
Dur! I've been rifling through
his mailbox every day
55
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,936
so I could grab it before he does.
Brilliant.
56
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,936
I'd do anything to land a role
in that movie.
57
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:02,937
Even read the book?
58
00:03:02,961 --> 00:03:04,776
Not anything anything.
59
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,960
Oh!
60
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,136
God I miss home.
Any word from sweet lady Earth,
61
00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:18,776
the World Wide Wench?
62
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,936
With the votes finally tallied
and the lawsuits just beginning,
63
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:22,937
we can confirm that
64
00:03:22,961 --> 00:03:25,936
the next President
of the United States is
65
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:26,960
Joe Biden!
66
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,936
Piece of shit. EXPLOSION
67
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:31,937
Joe Biden won.
68
00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:35,936
So what's the big catastrophe that
sent us scurrying across space
69
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,936
like schoolboys
scared of a firecracker?
70
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,936
I really don't get it.
71
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,936
Why did my future self warn me
to leave Earth?
72
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,936
So after I shot him head first
into the wall and knocked him out,
73
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,936
I whispered into his ear,
"Mars needs your genius."
74
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,936
His colossal ego did the rest.
75
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,296
OK, OK, so let me understand.
76
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:57,936
Elon Musk, our greatest entrepreneur
is trapped on Mars forever.
77
00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:58,937
Not just Elon.
78
00:03:58,961 --> 00:04:00,960
Also Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson.
79
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,936
I am bloody well miffed.
80
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:13,296
One of you wibbling weasels
leaked my lockdown plan.
81
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,936
I tell you something in secret,
a second later it's on the news.
82
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,936
"Breaking news - Boris annoyed
at wibbling weasels."
83
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,936
Right, that settles it.
84
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,936
Dom, find out
who is our leakius maximus.
85
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,936
It'll be my pleasure.
86
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:28,976
Let's start with you, Sunak.
87
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,936
Wait! Here's ten million quid
88
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,456
for one of your mates in the form
of a public sector contract.
89
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,936
I have no mates...
until the time of the swarming.
90
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,296
I will see what is in your brain
with my mind scan
91
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:43,936
I learned in the torture domes
of Epsilon Five.
92
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,960
I mean Russia. I mean Durham!
93
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,936
Hey! Watch the hair.
94
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,960
Rishi, Rishi, Rishi.
Rishi, Rishi, Rishi.
95
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,936
Unbridled ego.
96
00:04:58,960 --> 00:04:59,960
Definite leaker.
97
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:09,960
I'm sorry about the R number,
Mr Cuddles.
98
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,640
Weakness equals leakness.
99
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,936
Hm, my mind meld fuse blew.
100
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,936
There must be something
really horrible inside this one.
101
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,936
It's not illegal
if you just think it.
102
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,936
Well, Domo, who's our rat?
103
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:34,937
All of them, obviously.
104
00:05:34,961 --> 00:05:38,960
Hand over your phones and
everything else in your pockets.
105
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,616
"That freak Cummings
has to go by Christmas."
106
00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:48,960
Who leaked that?
107
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,960
Oh, come on,
it could have been anyone.
108
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:57,936
My elusive cellphone has found
its way off the dinner table
109
00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,936
and is lost somewhere on the floor.
110
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,936
Still, if we take care,
111
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:04,936
there is still time to recover
the phone without damage.
112
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,640
CRACKING Oh, fucking shit!
113
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:12,616
LeBron, I can't believe
you never got your invitation.
114
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:15,936
I personally licked the stamp.
Double licked it.
115
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,936
Dropped through the slot,
the whole shebang.
116
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:18,937
Never got it.
117
00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:22,136
I'm only here because I was walking
by and saw my name on the marquee.
118
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:23,936
Damn Post Office.
119
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,936
I should have shut that whole
operation down when I was in charge.
120
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,776
He still angry your book
sold better than his?
121
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,936
Trust me, that's a whole chapter
for my next book.
122
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:36,936
Blimey, Megs, you're a dead ringer
for Michelle Obama.
123
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,136
When everyone sees
how perfectly I channel her,
124
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:41,936
they'll totally give me the role.
Hang on.
125
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,936
I have to direct your movie.
126
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,936
No-one understands
the Black experience like me.
127
00:06:46,961 --> 00:06:50,936
I got it all mapped out, an homage
to '70s Indonesian kick-boxing.
128
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:53,616
Two guys talk about Count Chocula
for 20 minutes.
129
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:54,936
Mitch McConnell gets ice-picked.
130
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,936
Do you know who'd be great
to play Michelle?
131
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:58,937
Meghan Markle.
132
00:06:58,961 --> 00:07:00,936
I do love resuscitating
has-beens' careers,
133
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:03,296
but I'm not a fucking magician.
134
00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:05,936
Boris Johnson,
talk us through that performance.
135
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,936
I think we were always
going to concede.
136
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,936
Rashford was devastating on the left
and in the centre and on the right.
137
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:13,136
I told the boys they should be proud
138
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,776
of holding the line
as long as they did
139
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,936
and on another day,
we'd have got something,
140
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,296
especially against your Labours,
SNPs and Lib Dems.
141
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:21,936
What about the own goal?
Which one?
142
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:25,936
Good point. What was the mood like
on the back benches?
143
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:27,936
Foaming with right-wing populism.
144
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:31,616
What about funding extra sports
facilities for disadvantaged kids?
145
00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:33,936
Absolutely not.
Out of the question.
146
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,936
I didn't quite catch that.
147
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:37,936
Ah, Rashford. Yo, my man.
148
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,960
I said how does
two billion quid sound?
149
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:48,936
Er, hello. Joe Biden here
for my teeth clean.
150
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:49,960
Step forward.
151
00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:57,936
Welcome to
the Chamber of the Chosen.
152
00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,936
Hey, thanks.
Where do I rinse and spit?
153
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,936
That appointment was merely a ruse
to lure you here.
154
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,936
We are the Illuminati.
155
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,936
You have achieved great power,
Joseph Biden.
156
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:11,936
Now, you are eligible to join
our elite order.
157
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:13,936
I'm already in a lot of clubs,
158
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,936
the Automobile Club,
the Haircut Club at Scissors.
159
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,936
We control currencies,
manipulate markets,
160
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,936
communicate with the dead.
161
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,936
Yeah, but I'm one punch hole away
162
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,136
from a free haircut.
163
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:26,936
Oh, goodbye yellow brick road.
164
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,936
Membership in our sacred order
165
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,936
does not preclude
your quaint haircut arrangement.
166
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,936
Just saying I'm hearing
a lot of sizzle but no steak.
167
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,936
I see we must give you
a demonstration of our power.
168
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,960
Behold.
169
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,936
A free breakfast buffet? I'm in.
170
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,136
Great, great.
171
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,936
Technically it's free...
with the entrance fee.
172
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,976
Here it comes, the catch.
173
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,936
The good news is that
if you recruit two members,
174
00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:59,936
you get a share
of their entrance fees.
175
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:03,936
And if they recruit two members,
you get a quarter of that.
176
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:07,936
So this thing's not so much
a conspiracy as a pyramid scheme.
177
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,936
Well, it is the logo,
it's not like we're hiding it.
178
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,936
Why do you rich, famous people
179
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,936
need all these robes and skulls
and sex rituals?
180
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,936
We didn't say anything
about sex rituals.
181
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,616
Fresh ideas, let him speak.
182
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:20,976
What's the point
of a secret organisation
183
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,936
that everybody knows about
184
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,936
and you can't get anything
you don't already have?
185
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,456
And no sex rituals.
186
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:28,936
I'm not saying no.
187
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,960
I'm just saying
I've got dirty teeth.
188
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:34,936
Fine! Take a seat, love.
189
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,936
GONG SOUNDS Ah-ha!
190
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,936
Well, this is very exciting.
191
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:42,936
But why do you want to be
our new housekeeper, Idris?
192
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,136
The government said
I had to retrain, so I did.
193
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,936
Basic level domestic management.
194
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,936
So, any specialist skills?
195
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,960
I can smoulder.
196
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,456
Jolly good, then.
197
00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:01,296
What's wrong with this patient?
198
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:03,936
Healer Gwyneth, he has shock,
inflammation,
199
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,936
and extreme pain
where his appendix is.
200
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:06,937
Ow!
201
00:10:06,961 --> 00:10:09,936
The problem is obvious,
he's stressed out by modern living.
202
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:13,616
Two jars of manuka honey vinegar
and a cork yoga mat stat!
203
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:14,960
I feel more relaxed already.
204
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:19,936
Healer Gwyneth, please help.
205
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,936
Let me guess,
you have a disquieted aura?
206
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,936
No, I've cut off my hand.
207
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,936
And you need to remember
where you put it.
208
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,296
I've got it,
CBD-infused cucumber water.
209
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,456
About our therapies,
210
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:35,456
$200 for a pelvic exercise pillow?
211
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:37,936
If they're not overpriced,
people won't believe in them.
212
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,960
Do you understand nothing
about medicine?
213
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:46,296
You're killing yourself
for this hospital, Gwyneth. Brad!
214
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,976
Your eucalyptus infusium saved me
from career-destroying self-doubt.
215
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:53,936
Now I want to save you. Run away
with me before it's too late.
216
00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:57,936
Healer Gwyneth!
217
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:58,937
Gunshot wound.
218
00:10:58,961 --> 00:11:01,936
I'm sorry, it's too late.
219
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,936
You'll have to use
traditional Western medicine.
220
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:07,936
Please no, anything but that.
221
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,960
Well, there is
an experimental treatment.
222
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,000
You did it. You're incredible.
223
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,936
..commitment to the young people of
our communities...
224
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,296
Hey, girl!
225
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:22,936
Bet you think
you're looking in a mirror.
226
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:23,937
Hello, Meghan.
227
00:11:23,961 --> 00:11:25,936
Aren't you kind of old for cosplay?
228
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,936
Oh, no, this is serious business.
229
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:31,776
When I heard about your movie,
I had this brilliant idea,
230
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:32,936
I should play you!
231
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,936
And what's the brilliant part?
232
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,936
If you're worried
about the age difference, don't,
233
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:41,776
they can age me up
with tons of rubber and glue.
234
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,456
I'll sit in that makeup chair
all day.
235
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,936
Look, I'm about to give an award
to LeBron James,
236
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,136
We can talk about this later.
237
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:49,936
Absolutely, absolutely.
238
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,936
When and where can we
talk about this later?
239
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,936
How about when pigs fly
240
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,936
and where, out of my ass.
241
00:11:56,960 --> 00:12:00,936
Location of my ass.
242
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:01,937
Ready to start, Billie?
243
00:12:01,961 --> 00:12:03,936
No, I hate this. Life sucks.
244
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,936
Everyone's an asshole.
Why are men such dicks?
245
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,936
I'm bored, I wanna die.
246
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:09,937
And we're done, another hit.
247
00:12:09,961 --> 00:12:12,936
♪ No, I hate this
248
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,296
♪ Life sucks
249
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:16,936
♪ Everyone's an asshole
250
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:17,976
♪ Why are men such dicks
251
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,936
♪ I wanna die. ♪
252
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:24,616
Tiger Woods, yes, woo-hoo!
253
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,456
Come on, I'm playing golf
with Tiger Woods.
254
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:27,936
Tiger Woods, everyone.
255
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,936
I'm so excited. Unbelievable. Yes!
256
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,936
Thanks, James.
257
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,936
Three years ago,
I thought my career was over.
258
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,936
Look at me now.
It's really exciting.
259
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:39,936
Oh, it's been amazing, mate.
260
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:40,937
Amazing!
261
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,936
Yeah, conquered my addictions,
and more importantly,
262
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,936
my anger management issues.
263
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:46,960
'Tiger Woods to tee off.'
264
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,936
Yes, Tiger!
265
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,936
This man beat
his anger management issues.
266
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,936
'And that's going left.
Uh-oh, Tiger's in the water hazard.'
267
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,936
Oh, shoot.
268
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:58,937
Tiger, it's gone in the pool.
269
00:12:58,961 --> 00:13:02,936
So we could play golf pool karaoke!
270
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,936
♪ Look at the stars
271
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,936
♪ Look how they shine... #
It's Coldplay, Tiger, join in.
272
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,936
I have to take my tee shot again.
What an absolute ledge!
273
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,960
Only you can do that.
274
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,936
Look at that swing. Incredible!
275
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:17,937
Four!
276
00:13:17,961 --> 00:13:19,936
'And Tiger's hit a goose
in the water.
277
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,960
'He's killed
a protected Canada goose.'
278
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:28,936
Please don't talk when I'm swinging.
Whoops-a-daisy!
279
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,936
You're not angry or anything?
No. I'm calm.
280
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,960
Anger is the demon.
Anger is the demon.
281
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,936
Tiger Woods, everybody!
282
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:39,936
'He missed the ball completely.'
283
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:40,937
Ah!
284
00:13:40,961 --> 00:13:42,936
Shut up!
285
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,936
Ow! Shut up,
286
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,976
you goddamn loud-mouthed,
limey asshole!
287
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,936
Tiger is beating me up.
288
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:51,937
What an honour.
289
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:54,936
Officer, that black man
attacked that white man.
290
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,776
Hm, that's a tricky one.
291
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:57,936
The white man is James Corden.
292
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:00,936
Oh, now it's easy.
Excuse me, Mr Woods.
293
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,936
Agh!
294
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,936
American cops, best in the world!
295
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,960
Argh! Am I right?
296
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:11,936
♪ C'est Govey en Paris
C'est Govey en Paris. ♪
297
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,936
I'm back in gay Paris,
298
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,960
city of romance
and unrequited Brexit deals.
299
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,976
Emmanuel! Emmanuel!
300
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,936
Oh, Govey, I didn't expect you.
301
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,936
I've thought it over and
302
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:31,616
I'm finally ready for you tonight.
303
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:33,936
Let's shaft the fishing community.
304
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,936
And each other.
305
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,936
Actually, Govey, things have become,
306
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,160
as you would say,
"hashtag complicated."
307
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,936
Joe Biden. Are you from the BBC?
308
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:45,937
I'm Irish.
309
00:14:45,961 --> 00:14:47,936
I want a relationship
with no boundaries
310
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:52,960
and so does Joe, and I would
do anything to keep Joe happy.
311
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,936
Er, no, no. Mon ami.
312
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:57,960
Whoa, Mr Licky.
313
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,976
Your crepes suzettes.
314
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,936
Oh, pancakes a horse sat on.
315
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:06,616
So, is this the end
of Govey in Paris?
316
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:07,936
Again?
317
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:08,937
I'm riding with Biden.
318
00:15:08,961 --> 00:15:10,936
There's no drama with him.
319
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,936
He's setting fire to the pancakes.
320
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,960
Old Joe's got this.
321
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,936
What can I say, Govey?
322
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:22,976
He makes me laugh.
323
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,960
♪ C'est Govey en Paris... ♪
324
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:36,936
What's good, cow?
Universe treating you OK?
325
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,936
You didn't touch your tofu.
326
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:45,936
Well, howdy! You must be the Mr West
that done bought this ranch.
327
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,936
What is she? 6,000 acres? Hooey!
328
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,936
Yeah, but I don't think
in terms of size, you know?
329
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:56,296
It's about ideas,
ideas per square inch.
330
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,456
There's one, there's another one.
331
00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,936
You had one on your neck.
Thank you.
332
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:04,936
So, what are you breeding here?
Angus? Hereford? Longhorn?
333
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,456
Shoehorn. COW MOOS
334
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:11,616
Oh, I get it. You're gonna turn
their hides into shoe leather
335
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:13,936
for some fancy ten-dollar sneakers.
336
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:14,937
Na, too slow.
337
00:16:14,961 --> 00:16:17,936
I got my scientists
to just breed livestock
338
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,936
to grow sneakers instead of feet.
339
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,960
That's my new Yeezy Boost 875.
340
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,936
Size ten-and-a-half, almost done.
341
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,936
Clip those off and boom,
ready to go.
342
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,776
Holy crickets!
343
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:31,976
You got giraffes too?
344
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,296
Yeah, that's high-tops.
345
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:38,936
I didn't know giraffes could scream.
346
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:40,936
I like you.
When I'm next president,
347
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,776
you can be secretary of pants
and accessories.
348
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:44,936
I appreciate it.
349
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,936
I just got one question now,
350
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:50,936
them steers mind terribly
when you cut off their feet?
351
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:51,976
Na, they love it.
352
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,936
We stick 'em on skateboards.
353
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,936
David, I've had a brilliant idea.
354
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,616
A new musical
of the live-action Lion King.
355
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,936
But there's already
a stage production.
356
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,296
That was of the cartoon.
357
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,776
This would be of
the live-action film.
358
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:11,936
Right, how would it be different?
359
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:15,456
Well, the main difference is
there would be real lions on stage.
360
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,936
But how would you stop them going
into the audience and eating them?
361
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,776
Why can't you ever
bring me solutions?
362
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,160
All you ever bring me is problems.
363
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:26,800
Elton, I'm sorry.
I'll make it happen.
364
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:28,936
Hmph!
365
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:32,936
That's the first opening night
366
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,936
the critics have been savaged
by the cast.
367
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:37,936
Shut up, David!
You've ruined my dream...
368
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:38,960
again.
369
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:48,936
Once upon a time,
there was a town called Hamelin.
370
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,936
People, we all know
we have a rodent problem,
371
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,936
but I propose
we deal with it humanely.
372
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:57,616
After all, rats have rights too.
373
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,936
I'd like to introduce you
to the Pied Piper.
374
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,616
He's going to lure the rats away
without harm
375
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:06,936
using a penny whistle.
376
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,936
Hi, guys. Loving the vibe.
377
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:13,936
This is crazy. There's only
one sure way to deal with rats -
378
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,936
get some shotguns and shoot them.
379
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,960
No, we're going with Rupert
and his penny whistle.
380
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,136
Our children!
381
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,960
The Pied Piper took our children!
382
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:31,616
If you got a rat problem,
go for the guy with the gun.
383
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:35,960
The National Rifle Association -
the voice of reason!
384
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,936
Now, over here I'm excavating
385
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:48,936
my thousand-foot wide
meditation crater.
386
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,936
Gonna have aromatherapy,
sonic waves,
387
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,296
and most important,
the parabolic surface
388
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:56,936
will project my thoughts and ideas
into the universe.
389
00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:00,936
Well, saddle my chicken,
you're an independent thinker.
390
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:04,936
That's Wyoming speak for
rich folks what's gone ding-dong.
391
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,480
Not so fast, partner.
392
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,640
You the sheriff round these parts?
393
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,456
No, I'm from
the Environmental Protection Agency
394
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,936
in Washington DC. A Federale!
395
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:20,936
Mr West, you haven't filed
the requisite paperwork
396
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,936
to commence construction
on this so-called
397
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,936
"cosmic thought
vibration projector."
398
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,960
I didn't come to Wyoming to listen
to some jackbooted federal agent.
399
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:32,936
Nice jackboots, by the way.
400
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,936
Thanks, that means something
coming from you.
401
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,936
Look, it's purely a formality.
402
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,296
Just sign this form saying you
won't harm any bison or antelope.
403
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,776
I'm gonna cut their feet off.
Is that OK?
404
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:43,936
That's fine.
405
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,936
One small signature
and I'm on my way.
406
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,936
Sorry, can't do it.
407
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:48,937
♪ Can't see my way through it
408
00:19:48,961 --> 00:19:51,936
♪ Now that I'm a westerner
living on a... a... ♪
409
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:52,937
What do you call it?
410
00:19:52,961 --> 00:19:53,976
A ranch.
411
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:56,936
Damn! I was hoping it would rhyme
with westerner.
412
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:59,976
Anyway, I gotta stand up
for my conservative principles,
413
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:03,936
building a solar-powered, nudist,
vegan meditation crater.
414
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,936
No liberal Washington EPA's
gonna shut me down.
415
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,936
Get the fuck off my land!
416
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,936
Namaste.
417
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,976
You're asking for big trouble,
hombre.
418
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,936
If it's a showdown you want,
419
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,936
it's a throw-down you got.
Bessie!
420
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:18,937
Roll him off the ranch.
421
00:20:18,961 --> 00:20:20,936
Er...
422
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,960
Wait, wait!
423
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,936
Well, Michelle Obama blew you off
424
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,936
and I had to listen to
Quentin Tarantino.
425
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,936
It's been a shit night!
426
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:32,937
I'm not giving up.
427
00:20:32,961 --> 00:20:34,936
I want you to distract
Michelle Obama
428
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,936
so I can present that award
to LeBron.
429
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:40,936
Then, when everyone's fooled,
I reveal it's me,
430
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:42,936
they'll hand me that role
on a plate!
431
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:43,937
Brilliant!
432
00:20:43,961 --> 00:20:45,936
But how do I distract Michelle?
433
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:49,456
I don't know, with witty
conversation... or something.
434
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:50,936
Or something.
435
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,960
Hm.
436
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,936
Don't worry, Michelle,
we're trying to save your movie.
437
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,776
Hi, everyone, what a great day.
438
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,456
Joe Biden won
thanks to my endorsement,
439
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,456
I've got a glass of my delicious
Whatamana tequila
440
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:16,936
and I'm gonna show you a really fun
pandemic activity
441
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:17,937
everyone is doing.
442
00:21:17,961 --> 00:21:19,936
T-shirt tie-dying.
443
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,936
Let me guess.
444
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,936
You thought of a new way to push
your lame-ass clothing line.
445
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:28,136
Kevin, please. I'm just trying
to share something fun.
446
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,936
Now, start by
scrunching up a T-shirt.
447
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:34,296
You're gonna want to use
a new The Rock brand tee.
448
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:35,776
I knew it!
449
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:39,160
Kevin, let me show you
just how fun tie-dying is.
450
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:41,960
Don't you scrunch me!
451
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:45,776
Well, I am pretty.
452
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:46,936
And so, LeBron,
453
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,936
please accept
this plaque of gratitude.
454
00:21:50,961 --> 00:21:52,936
Stop applauding this man.
455
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:56,936
Harry? Oh, I have got to move.
456
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:58,616
This woman is not Michelle Obama.
457
00:21:58,640 --> 00:21:59,936
You have just witnessed
458
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,936
the acting performance
of a lifetime
459
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,456
by my wife, Meghan Markle!
460
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:07,136
GASPS Even I was fooled!
461
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:08,936
Give us a kiss, love.
462
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,936
You were fantastic. Get off me!
463
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:14,936
Wait, you're not Megs. Who are you?
Security.
464
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:15,960
Open fire.
465
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:20,976
I have my ending.
466
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,936
Harry, you bagged me!
467
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,936
Bloody hell, that was you!
468
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:28,936
Either I'm an idiot or you're
the greatest actress of all time.
469
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,616
Oh, Hairbrains, that is
the sweetest thing you've ever said.
470
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,936
I honestly mean it, Meghan...
471
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,296
Sorry to interrupt,
472
00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:38,960
could I possibly have
my humanitarian award?
473
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:45,960
Argh!
474
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:51,960
>>>>oakislandtk<<<<<
www.opensubtitles.org
33477
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof