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1
00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:18,936
Hi, America, it's your favourite
president, President Trump.
2
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:21,936
Now, I hear there's a lot of
confusion about voting.
3
00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:22,937
Mostly caused by me.
4
00:00:22,961 --> 00:00:24,936
So, I'm here to straighten it out.
5
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:27,936
With my proven technique,
you can vote like Trump,
6
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,936
and for Trump. Trump!
7
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,936
If you're in Florida,
then you should vote.
8
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:34,456
But if you're in California,
don't bother.
9
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:35,936
This is a ballot.
10
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,960
If you wanna vote for Trump,
do this.
11
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:42,936
What if you're crazy
and you hate America
12
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,936
and you don't wanna vote for Trump?
Do this.
13
00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:46,936
Good.
14
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,976
OK. Now you voted right,
what do you do with this thing?
15
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:53,936
On election day, go to the precinct,
or whatever they call it.
16
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:57,936
You'll have to prove you're allowed
to vote, so bring one of these.
17
00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:00,936
Hand in your ballot, then show
those freedom-hating Democrats
18
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:04,136
waiting to vote
how happy you are by doing this.
19
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:06,936
GUNFIRE, GLASS SHATTERING
20
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,936
Some people wanna mail in votes.
21
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:10,936
That's OK if you voted for me.
22
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:13,296
But this ballot is for Sleepy Joe.
23
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:16,936
Mike, mail this for me.
Yes, sir.
24
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:18,936
POSTBOX WHIRS, HE SCREAMS
25
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:20,936
Mother, help me, ooh!
26
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,936
Argh! See? Mailboxes know.
27
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:24,937
I don't know how, but they know,
28
00:01:24,961 --> 00:01:26,936
and they don't like it
when you don't vote me.
29
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,936
Step 5 to whatever:
30
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:31,776
After you vote, make doubly sure
that your vote has been counted
31
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:32,936
by voting again.
32
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,936
And there you have it, how to vote.
33
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,936
CRASHING
34
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:39,640
Clean that up!
Yes, Mr President.
35
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:44,936
New James Bond auditions.
Boris Johnson, take one.
36
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:47,936
My nomen, uh, commencing,
as it were,
37
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:52,936
with my surname on the non-distaff
side of my family is, uh, Bond.
38
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,296
Cut! And the, uh, cognomen,
39
00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:57,936
or everyday epithet
that I am known by, is James.
40
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,936
Producing, as it were, a complete
appellatory sequence of...
41
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,960
Everyone take five!
42
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,776
Ah, Mars.
43
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:10,936
As first to touch down,
44
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:14,936
I claim this virgin territory
for the Branson empire.
45
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,936
Touch down?
46
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,776
You literally
fell out of your balloon.
47
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,936
Yes, from a great altitude.
48
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,936
Still, fair's fair.
I won our gentlemen's bet.
49
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,936
Look, we're stuck on Mars.
50
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,936
Out of fuel, no way home.
51
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:30,456
It's cooperate or die
faster than Branson's music label.
52
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:31,936
Perhaps.
53
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,936
OK. Let's start
by naming our new capital.
54
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,936
Bezos City. Muskatania.
55
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,936
Cooperation over!
56
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,936
So be it.
I claim the southern hemisphere.
57
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,936
I claim the northern hemisphere.
58
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,776
And I claim all the rest!
59
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:45,936
Farewell.
60
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:49,456
We will not meet again
until the final battle to rule Mars
61
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,776
across all e-commerce platforms.
62
00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:52,936
Okie-dokey.
63
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,936
Right, so,
I guess this ditch is mine.
64
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:59,936
Now, to rehydrate, some sherry.
65
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,160
Did anyone bring water?
66
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,936
How are you folks doin'?
67
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:11,456
You enjoying those pancakes
in front of you?
68
00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:12,936
Oh, yes. Yeah.
69
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,936
You know, I whip up
a pretty mean batch myself.
70
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,936
Biden's Famous Flap Joes,
we call 'em.
71
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:21,936
I like 'em with Aunt Jemima syrup,
but they tell me she's a stereotype,
72
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,936
so now I just sprinkle on Lipitor.
73
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,936
Sir, instead of saying things,
74
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,936
how about you flip some pancakes
in the kitchen?
75
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,960
Great photo op!
Genius here loves his photo ops.
76
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,936
How we doin', Jose?
You know, my friend Barack Obama
77
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:39,136
and I created the Dream Act
to help illegals like you.
78
00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:41,976
My name is Robert,
and I was born in Nebraska.
79
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,936
Whatever you say, Jose.
80
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,936
Alrighty, it's grub time.
Got film in that camera?
81
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,936
Not for many years, Sir.
82
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,976
And a one, and a two,
and a flippitydo!
83
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,936
CAMERA CLICKS
84
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,936
You get that?
Cos this one's ready to go, too.
85
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,936
Hey, you like that with ham steak?
86
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,936
Sir, we really should wrap it up.
87
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:00,936
Wrap it up? So, it's a to-go order?
88
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:02,936
No, I meant we have to go.
89
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,936
Old Joe Biden don't quit
in the middle of the job.
90
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,936
Look what just came in.
Sausage 'n grits.
91
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,936
Hobo hash. Eggs sunny side down?
92
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,936
Christ, I'm falling behind here!
93
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:14,616
Yes, but sir, we...
94
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,936
I got orders to sling,
out of my kitchen!
95
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,936
Keep them orders comin', Millie,
come on!
96
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:20,936
Guten tag, Instagram.
97
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,936
It is I, Angela Merkel,
announcing a plan
98
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,296
to revitalise the German economy.
99
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:29,936
No more industries of the past like
cars, computers and flugelhorns.
100
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,960
Today, Germany enters
the global industry of the future.
101
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,296
Personally branded makeup.
102
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:39,936
Say goodbye to the Kylie Jenners,
Rihannas and the Kats Von D,
103
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:45,136
and hello to the precision German
engineering of Merkel's Merk-Up.
104
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:48,936
My palette has all the vibrant
colours of the German rainbow.
105
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:53,136
Grey, Dark Grey, Berlin Concrete,
und Accident In A Coalmine.
106
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:56,936
Und every Merk-Up kit
comes with a special applicator,
107
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,936
a repurposed car factory robot.
108
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:00,960
ROBOT WHIRS
109
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:07,936
So, subscribe,
and get 20% off my products
110
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,296
with the code Merk Me Beautiful.
111
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:11,960
Oh!
112
00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:19,776
Careful, Harry. I spilled
some essential oils on the floor.
113
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:20,936
Whoa!
114
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:21,960
Ahh!
115
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,936
Ooh! What's with
all the potions, Meg?
116
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:26,936
You're not going scientist on me,
are you?
117
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,936
If I'm gonna succeed in America,
118
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,976
I need a lifestyle brand
of creams and supplements.
119
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:35,936
Gwyneth Paltrow has Goop.
Kourtney Kardashian has Poosh.
120
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,936
And Jamie Lee Curtis has Poogurt.
121
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,936
Now, I've got mine.
122
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:44,160
Meg-Goo, celebrating
the sexy Earth goddess in all of us.
123
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,936
Brilliant, you're a genius
at sauces and ointments.
124
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:50,936
What I need now
is a way to launch it.
125
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:55,936
A private, intimate affair that
gets blasted out on social media
126
00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:57,936
to every human in the world.
127
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,296
Like an Emmy or an Oscar bash,
only bigger.
128
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:01,936
A BAFTA party?
129
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:03,936
THEY LAUGH
130
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:07,456
But seriously, it's gotta
sell the mommy lifestyle.
131
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:11,616
And it's gotta be all about me.
But not seem like it's all about me.
132
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:13,936
Hm.
If only we had a kid or something.
133
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,456
ARCHIE CRIES
134
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,616
That's it, you magnificent ginger!
135
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,936
I'll throw a birthday party
for Archie!
136
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:23,936
With the hottest celebrities
and the handsiest movie producers.
137
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,136
But his birthday was months ago.
138
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,936
Well, round him down.
This is Hollywood.
139
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,776
The last thing we want
is an old baby.
140
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,456
Good news, son.
You're turning one again.
141
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:33,936
ARCHIE CRIES
142
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:37,960
He already hates his dad,
that's a Windsor for you.
143
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:42,936
Mitch, I'm kind of worried,
144
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,936
but mostly confident,
that I'll be re-elected.
145
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:48,936
But in case they don't, I've gotta
make sure my legacy survives.
146
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,936
Question one, what is my legacy?
147
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,936
Well, you put up some
test border walls that blew over.
148
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:55,937
Let me put it differently,
149
00:06:55,961 --> 00:06:58,936
how do I stay out of jail
once I'm out of office?
150
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,936
HE BURBLES
151
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:01,937
Don't commit crimes?
152
00:07:01,961 --> 00:07:03,936
God, you're dumb!
153
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,936
We gotta pack the courts
with conservative,
154
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,936
back-scratching,
Trump-loving judges.
155
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:11,936
But Amy Coney Barrett was
the last qualified Republican judge
156
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:14,936
in America.
I'm all out of candidates.
157
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,936
Just do it, Mitch.
This is why I became President.
158
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,936
To keep my ass safe
when I stop being President.
159
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:24,936
OK, I'm off to Dairy Queen to eat
ice cream straight from the nozzle.
160
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,936
Glug, glug, glug, glug!
161
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:28,960
Ahh!
162
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,936
Stupid Bezos, I don't need his help.
163
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:36,800
Step one,
inflate the bubble habitat.
164
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,960
HE TAKES DEEP BREATH
165
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,960
Why is there so little air
in this air?
166
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,800
I told you to bring a bicycle pump.
167
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,776
Ow, ow, ouch!
168
00:07:57,800 --> 00:07:59,776
Were you slapping me in the face?
169
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,976
Not at all, I was kicking you
in the gonads.
170
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:04,960
Thanks, I'm awake now. Ow!
171
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,936
What do you want, Branson?
172
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,136
I came to offer you a deal.
173
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:13,936
If I can inflate your habitat,
can I be your bubble buddy?
174
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,776
I haven't had oxygen in 15 minutes.
175
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:17,960
I'm open to suggestions.
176
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:22,976
As an old hand at the balloon game,
177
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:27,960
I always carry some emergency gas
in case I need to reinflate.
178
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,936
Right, then. Forgot it was helium.
Sherry?
179
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,936
I must warn you, it's quite dry.
180
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:41,960
HE COUGHS
181
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:46,936
OK, so you say you're a lawyer?
182
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:50,936
Yeah. Got my business card
right here.
183
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,136
But you have been to law school?
184
00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:56,976
I've been to school,
and I've had run-ins with the law.
185
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,960
Great, you're a judge.
186
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:02,936
New James Bond auditions.
Adele, take one.
187
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,616
SHE LAUGHS
188
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:06,936
What's my fucking name?
189
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,936
It's Bond, innit?
James fucking Bond.
190
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,936
This is mental, innit, oh, my God,
d'you know what I mean?
191
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,456
♪ Skyfall... ♪
192
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:15,936
Cut.
193
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:16,937
Come in!
194
00:09:16,961 --> 00:09:19,936
Coats in the spare bedrooms,
babies in the playpen.
195
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,936
I, Ronaldo, am happy to be here.
196
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:26,936
Everybody remember to sign
your non-nondisclosure agreement.
197
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:29,936
Nothing that happens at this party
stays at this party.
198
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,936
Great shindig, Meg.
199
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,936
Even the star of Tiger King is here.
200
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,616
THEY GROWL
201
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,960
Does anyone smell goat cheese?
202
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:41,960
Canape? You stay.
203
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,936
Lee, we are going to be late
for the climate strike.
204
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,936
We are going to lie down
in front of a police van.
205
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:50,936
Yeah, I thought I'd lie down
on the sofa.
206
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:55,936
The only way to avoid future
suffering is to suffer right now.
207
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,936
But The Fast And The Furious
Presents Hobbs And Shaw
208
00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,936
is on right now.
It's got The Rock in it.
209
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:02,936
The Fast And The Furious films
celebrate everything
210
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:06,456
I despise about what mankind
is doing to the planet.
211
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,936
Well, that's probably why
you should go on your climate strike
212
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,936
and I should stay in
and watch the telly.
213
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,936
We should share
each other's interests.
214
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:15,936
You should want to come
to the climate strike.
215
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,960
Yeah, or you could stay
and watch Hobbs And Shaw.
216
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:22,936
OK. I will. You will?
217
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:26,480
And I will explain to you
why you should hate it.
218
00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:30,296
OK, did you ever do anything bad
219
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:32,936
that would prevent you
from being a judge?
220
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,936
Well, I did disown my gay son
on Twitter.
221
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:37,936
No, no, we know you're qualified,
222
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,936
I mean, like,
did you ever kill someone?
223
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:40,937
No.
224
00:10:40,961 --> 00:10:43,936
Oh, wait, yes. Yes, I have.
225
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,936
Were you standing your ground?
I was standing on the ground.
226
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,936
Well, you gotta stand someplace.
227
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,960
You're a judge!
228
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:56,937
Order up, Nelly.
229
00:10:56,961 --> 00:10:57,976
Is that my Western omelette?
230
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,936
Regionally nonspecific omelette.
231
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,936
Breakfasts are inclusive
around here.
232
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:03,937
OK, next order.
233
00:11:03,961 --> 00:11:06,936
What the hell is
a "we gotta go, Joe"?
234
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,456
It's time to go!
235
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:09,976
You've been working here
for two days!
236
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,936
You've locked down
all the votes in this town
237
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,936
on the strength of your pancakes
alone. Pancakes?
238
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,936
What the hell kinda
high-hat bullshit it is that?
239
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,936
I make the food of the working man -
240
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,936
griddle flaps, batter bread,
Delaware Dollars.
241
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,976
Now git!
Jose, hash up a load of fry-spuds.
242
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:28,936
The man you keep mistakenly calling
Jose was laid off.
243
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:29,937
You took his job!
244
00:11:29,961 --> 00:11:31,936
A lot of problems
with the American labour market.
245
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,936
Sure hope the next President
can get a handle on that issue.
246
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,936
Joe, you can cook breakfast
when you're in the White House.
247
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,936
Hey, maybe I like it here, man.
248
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,936
Maybe I just wanna help people
face-to-face,
249
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,936
see their smiles
and smell their burps.
250
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,936
You're supposed to be
at a fundraising dinner
251
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,296
in California tomorrow.
252
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:50,936
Can't you say something?
253
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,936
Hold the fundraiser here.
254
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,936
This ranchero bean scramble
is delicious.
255
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:56,296
Thanks, pal.
256
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,936
OK, a Trucker Special?
That's an 18-egger!
257
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,936
Dang it, Millie,
I told you we needed more eggs.
258
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:04,960
Do I have to do everything myself?
259
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:08,480
CLUCKS
260
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,936
Oh, look what you made me do.
261
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,936
Look what you just made me do.
262
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,936
Hey, that could be a song.
263
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:19,936
Yes, but not a good one.
264
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,136
CLINKS GLASS
Can I have your attention, please?
265
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,936
I'm so glad
you all came to join me
266
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,936
in the celebration
of the motherhood lifestyle.
267
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:29,136
So help me welcome
the guest of honour,
268
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:32,936
my darling baby Meg-Goo Ankle Serum.
269
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,936
Are your ankles dry and chafed
from athleisure pants?
270
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,936
No more.
271
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,936
Don't worry.
There are some in your gift bags
272
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,936
along with rubs, scrubs
and an exfoliating butt chutney.
273
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:46,456
Grab one on the way out. See you.
274
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,936
Wait. We were told birthday party.
275
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,936
When do we sing
Happy Birthday song?
276
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,936
I demand to see the birthday boy.
Huh?
277
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,136
I don't see him. Archie!
278
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:56,936
Check the playpen.
279
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,936
BABY CRYING, GROWLING
280
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,960
You!
281
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,936
Daddy's coming!
282
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,616
Looking for your kid?
283
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,136
He wandered over to my house,
Got into my sneaker room.
284
00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:10,936
He got pretty hyped up
on Nike fumes.
285
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,936
I got him some milk
and let him climb on the ficus.
286
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,936
So, this so-called
celebrator of motherhood
287
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:17,936
didn't even know
where her own child was.
288
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,936
Teigen
is so gonna drag you for this.
289
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,936
Now, everybody fucking sing.
290
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,936
♪ Happy birthday to you
291
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,976
♪ Happy birthday dear Archie
292
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:30,160
TV ON
293
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,936
Car so fast.
294
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,960
So thrilling.
295
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:42,936
I'm The Rock.
Everything about me is thrilling.
296
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:43,937
Oh.
297
00:13:43,961 --> 00:13:46,936
I always thought
exhaust fumes smelled horrible.
298
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,936
But with you,
they smell like Lynx Africa.
299
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,936
No, I'm wearing Lynx Africa.
300
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,936
This is wrong,
but it feels so right.
301
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:59,936
Well, you know what they say about
men with big carbon footprints.
302
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,936
They have big
carbon offsetting schemes?
303
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,936
No. They have big cars.
304
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,936
Oh, The Rock,
I hope this goes on forever.
305
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,936
Well, this movie franchise seems to.
306
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:15,936
Oh, Dwayne, so fast, so fabulous!
307
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,976
Ah! What's that, Greta?
308
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,936
Oh, Lee, I've done something awful.
309
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:23,936
Falling asleep watching Jason
Statham? Everyone does that.
310
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,936
No. We must go
to the climate strike now
311
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,936
and lie down
in front of two police vans.
312
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,136
Oh, gawd help us.
313
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,296
Lee, I'm glad I'm back.
314
00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:36,616
But have you ever thought about
taking steroids?
315
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,800
Huh?
316
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,936
Now, supposing you were
judging a case
317
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:47,136
about, say, Donald Trump,
would you be susceptible to bribes?
318
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,936
Cash or OxyContin?
319
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,936
OK, even I can't do this.
320
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,936
BURBLES
321
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,960
Yeah, I can. You're a judge.
322
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:02,456
Mitch, those courts
still aren't packed enough.
323
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,616
Well, I've done all I could.
324
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,936
There is not one human being
left in America.
325
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,936
That's not what I'm hearing.
326
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,936
Send in the Rube.
327
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:16,936
But, sir, that's just a raw,
oozing mass of anger and beer.
328
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,960
The perfect Republican judge.
329
00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:24,296
Now, that's the kind of courthouse
I want to see.
330
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:27,936
Open carry. States' rights.
Traditional marriage.
331
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,976
Secretly gay! Ah.
332
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,936
My legacy.
333
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:35,936
Normally we'd go to the Maldives,
334
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,936
but cos of COVID
we're staycationing
335
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:39,936
and David's booked us
a week in Blackpool.
336
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,936
And do you know what?
It's fucking horrible.
337
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,936
Oh, El. Shut up, David!
338
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:46,320
Mah!
339
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:48,936
BABY GURGLES
340
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,936
I can't believe
I got so wrapped up in my own brand
341
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:53,936
I forgot about Archie.
342
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,936
It's not your fault.
343
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,936
And it will never happen again.
344
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,960
Found him again. Thanks, LeBron.
345
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:05,936
So, you come crawling back to Bezos
looking for help?
346
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:09,936
WHINING:
"Oh, Mars is so inhospitable."
347
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,936
I'm just saying we should do
what the 1% always does.
348
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,936
Look out for ourselves
at the expense of everyone else.
349
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:16,936
The sun is about to set.
350
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,936
If we don't find shelter,
it's Branson go bye-bye.
351
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,936
And Branson
don't want to go bye-bye.
352
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,936
It'll be fine.
353
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,960
We can survive
in my ship's cargo sacs.
354
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,936
My God, Bezos, you went and did it.
355
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,936
You sent a dick pic to Mars.
CAMERA CLICKS
356
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:35,936
I'm the first man on the planet
to forward it to everyone.
357
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:38,960
Our civilization
has officially begun.
358
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:48,936
Brad, how good of you to come
all the way to Nebraska for this.
359
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,616
Yeah, if anyone asks, that's my
private jet blocking the dumpster.
360
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:53,936
What's this I hear about Biden
becoming a short-order cook?
361
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,936
Order up, Hungry Man Special.
362
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,936
Um, he's addressing
the national crisis of...
363
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,936
male hunger.
364
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,936
Where's my eggs over-Yeezy?
365
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,936
I ordered them
like five damn minutes ago.
366
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,936
Kanye, I thought you were
running for president yourself?
367
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,776
Yeah, but I love crazy good food.
368
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,936
Also, I bought
this part of Nebraska. Feel me?
369
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,960
I... I think so, yes.
370
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,936
Great job, Joe. The house is packed.
371
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,296
And this is
a $20,000-a-plate fundraiser.
372
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:24,936
Wait, you're telling me
I gotta make
373
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,936
$20,000 worth of food per plate?
374
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,936
Hell, I only charge
a nickel an omelette.
375
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,616
No, no,
they don't care about the food.
376
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:32,976
They just want to help you out.
377
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:36,776
Horse shit. Value for money
is what Uncle Omelet's about.
378
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,320
Step aside.
379
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,616
Ow!
380
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:43,936
SURPRISED YELPING
381
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,936
Argh!
382
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,936
Millie, fryer needs more grease.
383
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:49,976
It's already passed the fill line.
384
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,936
It needs more, man. More.
385
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,960
Come on.
386
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,936
Hey, buddy, I'm back.
387
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,936
WOODPECKER DRUMS
388
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,936
Got my Winston pillow.
389
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,936
Nap time. What the...?
390
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,776
Zow-zow-zow-zow-zow...
391
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,936
Dominic...
Excuse me, Prime Minister.
392
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,936
I borrowed your sex toy.
393
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,616
It's a vacuum cleaner,
and a jolly good one.
394
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,616
I won't have it treated
disrespectfully.
395
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:23,776
I'm sorry,
396
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,976
but it's been so long since I left
the tentacled sexlings
397
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:30,936
of Pleasure Planet Ovid 9
in the galaxy of Cygnus Alpha...
398
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,936
I mean, my lovely wife Mary
in Islington.
399
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,936
Well, it's just not on, Dom.
400
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,936
I expect certain standards
of professional conduct.
401
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,936
Let's see if we can find you
a girl in my little black book.
402
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,936
But how would I woo a girl?
Well, what do you normally do?
403
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,936
Present an offering of blood meal
for the growth of the larvae.
404
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,936
Well, I suppose that's Durham
for you. Oh, yes, Durham.
405
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,936
Not Epsilon 5.
406
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:56,936
How have you been so successful
with your many, many, many women?
407
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,936
Well, ruffle their hair,
chuck in a bit of Latin,
408
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,136
then sit back
and wait for the paternity suit.
409
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:05,136
Fascinating.
I will execute your strategy.
410
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,936
May Zargon devour your enemies.
411
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,936
I mean, tatty-bye.
412
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,936
Hi, it's me, Melania Trump.
413
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:15,936
Donald has asked me to tell you
how much I love being First Lady.
414
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,936
And tell them how big my penis is.
Yes, yes.
415
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,936
The thing I love most is organising
416
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,936
the White House
Christmas celebration.
417
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,936
Ignore what I said on those
silly leaked audio tapes.
418
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,936
I don't think
it's a shit job at all.
419
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:32,616
To prove it, I'm going to sing
some Christmas carols.
420
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:35,640
And the Secret Service
found some kids to help.
421
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,936
♪ Away in a Manger
422
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,936
♪ No crib for a bed... ♪
423
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,936
No, it's no good.
424
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,936
They will say my husband
locks kids away with no beds.
425
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,936
Next song.
426
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:57,936
♪ Chestnuts cooking
On a burning fire... ♪
427
00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:58,937
No, stop.
428
00:19:58,961 --> 00:20:00,936
California on fire.
429
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,936
Everyone blames my husband
for shit climate.
430
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,936
I hate Christmas so much!
431
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:07,936
I hate being First Wife.
432
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,776
Please, God, don't let
my husband get re-elected.
433
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,960
SHE GRUNTS
434
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,960
Don't you dare leak this video.
435
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:19,936
Mrs Merkel is here. Prime Minister!
436
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,936
Zow-zow-zow-zow-zow...
437
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,936
And to think I was going to make
a concession on fishing rights.
438
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,936
Ejaculatus! Eurgh!
439
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,936
Urgh.
440
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,936
Groovy place.
441
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,936
Takes me back to Carnaby Street
in the '70s.
442
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,936
Little did I imagine then
443
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,776
that someday I'd be living
in a Martian ball sac
444
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:40,136
with my two best friends.
445
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:42,936
I don't know whether it's the weed
446
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:44,976
or the lack of oxygen,
but this is all right.
447
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,936
Yo, homies,
someone break out the munchies.
448
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,936
That's you, Branson.
You're the in-flight snack guy.
449
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,936
Ah, well...
450
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,936
our brochures exaggerated
our snack capability
451
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,976
and that we had in any way
a working rocket.
452
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,136
So we have no food?
No potatoes to plant?
453
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:04,936
Or fungus farms? Or soylent slurry?
Wait!
454
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,456
I've got some seeds.
455
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,936
Then we're in business.
Plant those puppies.
456
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,616
Then we'll each squat out
a measure of fertiliser.
457
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:13,776
Perfect.
458
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,936
I feel sorry for Earth to have
lost three geniuses such as us.
459
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:19,936
Yes, indeed, so are we gonna talk
or make poo pot?
460
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,936
Pants down, gentlemen.
461
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,936
Let's get to work.
462
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,936
STRAINING
463
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,936
WOMAN: New James Bond auditions.
The Queen. Take one.
464
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,936
One's name is Bond.
465
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:33,936
James Bond.
466
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,936
MAN: Cut. It's "My name..."
467
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:37,936
It is? Oh.
468
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,936
Delighted to meet you, Mr Bond.
469
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:41,936
No, you say, "My name is..."
470
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,936
Oh. My name is Windsor.
471
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:49,936
Elizabeth Alexandra
Mary Saxe-Coburg Gotham...
472
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:51,936
That's all for today.
Oh, no, it isn't.
473
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,136
COCKS GUN
474
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:55,936
Hmm!
475
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:57,960
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