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1
00:00:05,420 --> 00:00:07,710
This is nice.
Just the boys.
2
00:00:07,710 --> 00:00:09,750
And you ruined it.
3
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,260
All right, people, we knew this
day was coming, and it's here.
4
00:00:12,260 --> 00:00:14,260
Straighten your ties
and cover your thighs.
5
00:00:14,260 --> 00:00:16,140
Oh, no, I have a note
from my doctor
6
00:00:16,140 --> 00:00:19,850
that says my thighs can
be uncovered in the workplace.
7
00:00:19,850 --> 00:00:21,520
Unh-unh. Not tonight.
8
00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:23,890
Gurgs just told me
that Dr. Nitelife is coming.
9
00:00:23,890 --> 00:00:25,650
And since I take
on other people's energies,
10
00:00:25,650 --> 00:00:27,730
I'm freaking out.
- Who's Dr. Nitelife?
11
00:00:27,730 --> 00:00:29,270
- Dr. Nitelife...
- Not a real name.
12
00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:30,530
...is an obnoxious
TikTok influencer...
13
00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:32,110
Not a real job.
14
00:00:32,110 --> 00:00:33,860
...who goes around
making fun of places.
15
00:00:33,860 --> 00:00:36,570
Not a-- Not a bad
way to spend a day.
16
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:38,490
Last time he was here,
he put us on the list
17
00:00:38,490 --> 00:00:39,950
of New York's biggest circuses.
18
00:00:39,950 --> 00:00:43,250
We were ahead of a real circus.
19
00:00:43,250 --> 00:00:46,170
I mean, he's not wrong.
We do have Sheila.
20
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,800
I bet that's a macchia-toe.
21
00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:56,890
Come on, guys,
that was a good one.
22
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,760
Sheila gotta go,
along with everything else
23
00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:00,390
that makes this place weird.
24
00:01:00,390 --> 00:01:02,060
I can't end up on
that list again.
25
00:01:02,060 --> 00:01:04,350
Gurgs, aren't you
taking this a little personally?
26
00:01:04,350 --> 00:01:06,440
None of you were here.
You don't understand.
27
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:09,940
He called me a fail-iff,
Dan, fail-iff!
28
00:01:09,940 --> 00:01:12,480
Okay, I say this
as your friend.
29
00:01:12,490 --> 00:01:15,490
I'm probably going to use that.
30
00:01:15,490 --> 00:01:17,780
#fail-iff was huge.
31
00:01:17,780 --> 00:01:19,620
Is this video you trying
to tackle a streaker
32
00:01:19,620 --> 00:01:21,030
covered in butter?
33
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:24,580
He tasted like a lobster roll.
34
00:01:24,580 --> 00:01:26,710
But that's not going
to happen this year.
35
00:01:26,710 --> 00:01:28,290
I'm locking down our crazy.
36
00:01:28,290 --> 00:01:29,960
We're going to have a nice,
37
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:33,050
bland evening on account
of my secret weapon.
38
00:01:33,050 --> 00:01:35,920
- It's me. I'm a secret weapon.
- More of that.
39
00:01:35,930 --> 00:01:38,760
Influencers hate genuine
enthusiasm.
40
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,310
Almost as much as they hate
my other secret weapon.
41
00:01:42,310 --> 00:01:45,230
Lame dads.
42
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:49,400
Would a lame dad have
this cool leather bracelet?
43
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,310
Look, I love this place,
44
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,650
but sometimes I'd like it if it
were a little less this place.
45
00:01:53,650 --> 00:01:56,610
So, for one night only,
let's have no big surprises.
46
00:01:56,610 --> 00:01:59,570
Nobody move! I have a bomb!
47
00:01:59,570 --> 00:02:03,030
JK. I'm just here
to pick something up.
48
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,580
Put me down, Heather.
I'm a secret weapon.
49
00:02:07,290 --> 00:02:09,580
Wow. Crazy Heather's
still alive.
50
00:02:09,580 --> 00:02:12,790
I owe you guys $50.
51
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:16,920
The only thing
I'm crazy about is my new baby.
52
00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:19,590
Oh, shoot. I left him strapped
to the changing table.
53
00:02:19,590 --> 00:02:21,430
Mom brain. BRB.
54
00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:27,100
So, no one's gonna
ask about my cool bracelet?
55
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:37,110
{\an8}So this is your baby?
Like, you gave birth to him?
56
00:02:37,110 --> 00:02:39,860
{\an8}This isn't a finders
keepers situation?
57
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:43,530
{\an8}Nope. He's mine.
His name is DiGiorno.
58
00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:45,030
{\an8}I named him after the pizza
I was eating
59
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:48,120
{\an8}when he was conceived.
60
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,330
{\an8}Guess this is why I haven't
heard from you in nine months.
61
00:02:50,330 --> 00:02:51,920
{\an8}I thought maybe you were mad
at me
62
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:53,710
{\an8}for throwing your whale tail
in jail.
63
00:02:53,710 --> 00:02:55,750
{\an8}You throwing my whale tail
in jail
64
00:02:55,750 --> 00:02:58,010
{\an8}was just the wake-up
call I needed.
65
00:02:58,010 --> 00:03:00,880
{\an8}I realized I had to start
acting like a grown-up.
66
00:03:00,890 --> 00:03:04,550
{\an8}And what's more
grown up than getting pregnant?
67
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,720
{\an8}I might have started
with Sudoku.
68
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,180
{\an8}You don't have to keep
Sudoku alive.
69
00:03:09,180 --> 00:03:11,230
{\an8}Ooh, my boobs are barking.
70
00:03:11,230 --> 00:03:14,230
{\an8}I got to pop off another couple
dozen bottles for this bruiser.
71
00:03:14,230 --> 00:03:16,070
{\an8}He eats like The Rock
on cheat day.
72
00:03:16,070 --> 00:03:17,610
{\an8}You're good with babies, right?
73
00:03:17,610 --> 00:03:20,280
{\an8}Oh, yeah. Me likey the babies.
74
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,910
{\an8}Oh, there's one spot on his
head that will kill him.
75
00:03:22,910 --> 00:03:25,450
{\an8}Don't touch it. Bye!
76
00:03:28,370 --> 00:03:32,080
{\an8}So, um,
what kind of books are you into?
77
00:03:33,710 --> 00:03:36,250
{\an8}Wow. You finally meet a man
who's shorter than you,
78
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:38,300
{\an8}and you're blowing it.
79
00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:40,800
{\an8}I just don't know how to start
a conversation with a baby.
80
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,680
{\an8}That's surprising.
81
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:44,430
{\an8}I figured you'd be a pile
of mush by now.
82
00:03:44,430 --> 00:03:48,140
{\an8}Yeah, who's Abby's little yummy,
scrummy chummy?
83
00:03:48,140 --> 00:03:50,810
{\an8}Things of that nature.
84
00:03:50,810 --> 00:03:52,690
{\an8}Just because I look like Dawn
85
00:03:52,690 --> 00:03:55,730
{\an8}from "The Baby-Sitters Club"
doesn't mean I love babies.
86
00:03:55,730 --> 00:03:58,440
{\an8}The truth is, I just
don't get the whole baby thing.
87
00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:00,280
{\an8}But if you say that to people,
88
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,780
{\an8}they act like there's
something wrong with you.
89
00:04:01,780 --> 00:04:03,400
{\an8}Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I get the same reaction
90
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,070
{\an8}when I tell people
I don't like kittens.
91
00:04:05,070 --> 00:04:08,950
{\an8}You don't like kittens?
What's wrong with you?
92
00:04:08,950 --> 00:04:12,710
{\an8}They sense death, Abby.
93
00:04:12,710 --> 00:04:15,880
{\an8}Nothing cute about
the dark magic.
94
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,250
{\an8}Yeah, well, babies bring
nothing to the table.
95
00:04:18,250 --> 00:04:20,340
{\an8}I mean, kids, kids are fun.
96
00:04:20,340 --> 00:04:24,090
{\an8}They do stuff, but babies just
sit there all high and mighty.
97
00:04:24,090 --> 00:04:25,970
{\an8}When they cry on planes,
98
00:04:25,970 --> 00:04:28,100
{\an8}the flight attendant brings
around extra pretzels.
99
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:30,810
{\an8}When I cry, they make
me shut off "The Notebook."
100
00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:35,900
I mean, what is anyone
even supposed to do with this...
101
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:38,150
yummy chummy scrummy?
102
00:04:38,150 --> 00:04:39,900
I was just telling Dan
103
00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:41,730
I want to braise those
little ham hocks in a Crock-Pot
104
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:45,280
I got at a bargain aisle
at a TJ Maxx.
105
00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:47,450
Ugh. Can you guys believe it?
106
00:04:47,450 --> 00:04:51,160
My travel pump exploded.
Can't handle my flow.
107
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,710
And with that, adieu.
108
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,880
What's his deal?
He still mad
109
00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:59,790
I didn't call him back
after our date?
110
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,090
When someone is your lawyer,
it doesn't count as a date.
111
00:05:02,090 --> 00:05:03,920
- But--
- I know you're both dressed up.
112
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:05,260
Still doesn't count.
113
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,140
Your Honor, my client told
her family for years
114
00:05:12,140 --> 00:05:14,430
that she was in "The Lion King."
So when they came to town,
115
00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:16,390
what choice did she have
116
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:20,770
but to sneak on stage
dressed as a gnu?
117
00:05:20,770 --> 00:05:23,860
She caused a stampede
that trampled a father,
118
00:05:23,860 --> 00:05:25,950
forcing his son
to live with a warthog
119
00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:28,110
and his meerkat "boyfriend."
120
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,660
$100 fine.
121
00:05:30,660 --> 00:05:32,240
Next time, let your parents down
122
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:35,960
the old-fashioned way,
with a tattoo.
123
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,750
Deej, let this be a lesson.
That lady's only crime
124
00:05:38,750 --> 00:05:41,500
was getting caught.
125
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:43,800
Okay, girls, to get ready
for Dr. Nitelife,
126
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,760
I pushed the rest of
the freaky cases, but be warned,
127
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,800
tomorrow night will be weird.
128
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,850
You're going to want
to put down some tarps.
129
00:05:51,850 --> 00:05:54,430
Well, I appreciate the help,
Wyatt.
130
00:05:54,430 --> 00:05:56,640
What? I am being so boring.
131
00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,480
We just had "Lion King"
on trial,
132
00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:01,150
and I didn't do one voice,
and I could do all of them.
133
00:06:01,150 --> 00:06:03,320
"Simba."
134
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,030
"Dad!"
135
00:06:05,030 --> 00:06:10,490
"And I'm the lion
that's for some reason British."
136
00:06:10,490 --> 00:06:12,450
But why is Crazy Heather
still here?
137
00:06:12,450 --> 00:06:14,290
I spent a lot of time
weeding out all the nuts
138
00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:15,700
from the gallery.
139
00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:17,250
You, show me your hand.
140
00:06:19,330 --> 00:06:21,000
The other one.
141
00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:29,840
But none of that matters
if Dr. Nitelife gets a video
142
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,300
of me tackling your wild friend
and her baby.
143
00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:34,180
Fine. I'll ask her to leave.
144
00:06:34,180 --> 00:06:35,970
I'm just waiting for
the right moment.
145
00:06:35,970 --> 00:06:38,560
And she's talking to Dan.
The moment has arrived.
146
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,940
Hey, Papa Smurf, you look wise.
147
00:06:40,940 --> 00:06:43,610
Any advice for my
little deep dish?
148
00:06:43,610 --> 00:06:46,030
You can file for emancipation
at age eight.
149
00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:48,860
Do it.
150
00:06:48,860 --> 00:06:51,410
And some advice for you.
Get your phone out of my face.
151
00:06:51,410 --> 00:06:53,370
Oh. It's actually
DiGiorno's phone.
152
00:06:53,370 --> 00:06:56,120
It's an Android. What a nerd.
153
00:06:57,700 --> 00:06:59,830
Heather, I can't believe
you're wasting your one night
154
00:06:59,830 --> 00:07:01,750
in the city
cooped up here with a baby.
155
00:07:01,750 --> 00:07:03,580
You should go out, have fun.
156
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,340
Oh, Abby.
You really don't mind?
157
00:07:05,340 --> 00:07:07,760
Oh, no. Come on,
get out of here, you.
158
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,930
Oh, thank you so much.
I really need a night out.
159
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:13,510
Okay, I'm going to go
to the club
160
00:07:13,510 --> 00:07:16,350
and let these boobs do
what they were made for.
161
00:07:16,350 --> 00:07:19,480
- Oh, no. No, I didn't mean--
- Oh, you're not mean at all.
162
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:22,020
Real quick.
"Waah!" means he's hungry.
163
00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:26,610
"Waah" means he's sleepy.
And "waah!" means he's happy.
164
00:07:26,610 --> 00:07:28,730
He screams when he's happy?
165
00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:31,030
Oh, yeah, he screams all
the time. You're gonna love it.
166
00:07:33,070 --> 00:07:36,200
Good news.
Got rid of crazy Heather.
167
00:07:38,450 --> 00:07:40,580
And that's the end
of the good news.
168
00:07:44,790 --> 00:07:46,630
All right, Wyatt, I lost
Abby to a baby,
169
00:07:46,630 --> 00:07:49,050
so you're going to have to bore
Dr. Nitelife all by yourself.
170
00:07:49,050 --> 00:07:50,840
I don't know if I'm your guy,
Gurgs.
171
00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:52,930
I just read a pretty
interesting article about
172
00:07:52,930 --> 00:07:55,010
when to marinate
or went to rub your ribs.
173
00:07:55,010 --> 00:07:58,510
Spoiler alert-- always rub.
174
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,270
Why aren't you asking me
for help?
175
00:08:00,270 --> 00:08:03,440
Because I need someone normal
for this job.
176
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,480
You don't think I'm normal?
177
00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:10,320
It's because of my head,
isn't it?
178
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:14,200
I'm too bald.
Your words, not mine.
179
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:22,000
The doctor is in,
and I need 10 cc of rizz.
180
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,750
Luckily, we just got to the
dumbest place I've ever seen.
181
00:08:24,750 --> 00:08:28,670
Oh, and here's our
favorite fail-iff!
182
00:08:30,420 --> 00:08:34,010
What kind of circus
do you have for me this year?
183
00:08:34,010 --> 00:08:36,050
Why is it boring in here?
184
00:08:36,050 --> 00:08:39,640
Where are my tweakers, freakers,
and hot-butted streakers?
185
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,890
Well, Doc,
sorry to disappoint you,
186
00:08:41,890 --> 00:08:44,560
but I don't think you'll be
seeing anything freaky tonight.
187
00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:46,980
Certainly not behind you.
188
00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:51,690
- Hi.
- Hi. Hi. I'm Wyatt.
189
00:08:51,690 --> 00:08:53,280
I'll be giving you a tour
of this courthouse.
190
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,240
Let's start in the hallway.
191
00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,570
Did you know that hallways
weren't invented until 1597?
192
00:08:57,570 --> 00:08:59,580
I learned that on a documentary
193
00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:02,200
that Ken Burns called
his greatest mistake.
194
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:07,210
Get a room, you two.
195
00:09:07,210 --> 00:09:10,250
And when you're done, put those
things through the wash on hot.
196
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:18,050
Do you like this?
Is this fun for you?
197
00:09:18,050 --> 00:09:21,850
Okay, okay. It's not my fault
you're too dumb for fun toys.
198
00:09:21,850 --> 00:09:24,810
I got to say, I sure hope this
goes better
199
00:09:24,810 --> 00:09:27,940
than when you fostered
that little squirrel.
200
00:09:27,940 --> 00:09:29,440
I've never seen
an animal so willing to jump
201
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,440
in front of a garbage truck.
202
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:35,400
That was not my fault.
Zippers was born sad.
203
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,240
I hate to be
a backseat babysitter,
204
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,740
but you plan on doing
anything about the crying?
205
00:09:39,740 --> 00:09:42,080
I don't get it.
I fed him, I changed him.
206
00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:45,040
He has his phone.
207
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,040
I'm starting to believe
that you don't like babies
208
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:51,210
because babies
don't-a like-a you.
209
00:09:51,210 --> 00:09:53,420
I've met tons of babies
who love me.
210
00:09:53,420 --> 00:09:57,260
Oh, oh, hey. Got a fun game.
Name one.
211
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:01,470
Um, well, um,
there was this baby
212
00:10:01,470 --> 00:10:03,390
at a beach once who shot
me a look
213
00:10:03,390 --> 00:10:06,560
when a dog was trying to pull
down its swim trunks, so...
214
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,890
That's a Coppertone ad.
215
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:10,900
Okay.
216
00:10:10,900 --> 00:10:12,610
So I've never met a baby
who likes me,
217
00:10:12,610 --> 00:10:14,730
but that's just
because I haven't tried.
218
00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:18,400
If I turned on the charm, this
baby would be obsessed with me.
219
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:20,780
Watch.
220
00:10:20,780 --> 00:10:23,950
Where's Aunt Abby?
There I am.
221
00:10:23,950 --> 00:10:26,620
Oh, jeez!
222
00:10:26,620 --> 00:10:28,460
I thought you disappeared.
223
00:10:28,460 --> 00:10:30,380
Don't ever do that again.
224
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,130
Interesting fact
about this courthouse.
225
00:10:35,130 --> 00:10:36,800
You know "12 Angry Men"?
226
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:38,590
"Runaway Jury"?
"Legally Blonde"?
227
00:10:38,590 --> 00:10:41,010
None of them were shot here.
228
00:10:41,010 --> 00:10:44,180
This is the most boring tour
I've ever been on,
229
00:10:44,180 --> 00:10:46,180
and I just got back from
the "Sex and the City" tour
230
00:10:46,180 --> 00:10:48,480
that was all Steve.
231
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:51,650
Sorry this isn't going the way
you wanted to, Doc.
232
00:10:51,650 --> 00:10:53,900
Might want to call it
an early night... life.
233
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:57,030
See, I can use your name
against you, too.
234
00:10:57,030 --> 00:10:58,940
Am I right... life?
235
00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:00,650
I don't know.
236
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,990
The bald guy with wigs
for hand seems promising.
237
00:11:02,990 --> 00:11:07,160
Gurgs, I have a decision
that is life or death.
238
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,370
It'll be death if you don't
get back in that courtroom.
239
00:11:12,830 --> 00:11:15,590
Wyatt, why don't you tell
the doctor
240
00:11:15,590 --> 00:11:18,300
that never-ending anecdote you
had about print media?
241
00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:19,920
Oh.
242
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,840
Yeah. To get the full context,
243
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,810
you'll need a list of my
favorite magazine subscriptions
244
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,930
in order
of publishing frequency.
245
00:11:27,930 --> 00:11:31,600
"People."
That's once a week.
246
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,480
Why do you have wigs?
247
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:37,530
Because I heard you loud
and clear about my weird head.
248
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,110
Get to the point, Murray.
249
00:11:39,110 --> 00:11:40,990
Oh, which hair is
the most normal?
250
00:11:40,990 --> 00:11:43,820
Don King or Larry King?
251
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:47,200
Neither.
Just look like a lawyer.
252
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:50,410
This would have been
helpful to know $3,000 ago.
253
00:11:52,250 --> 00:11:54,960
Now, "Bon Appétit,"
that's once a month.
254
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,800
Look, I know the fail-iff's
only using you
255
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,460
as some boring smokescreen,
256
00:11:59,460 --> 00:12:02,010
but you don't want to be
this way.
257
00:12:02,010 --> 00:12:03,840
I don't?
258
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:05,800
Let me guess.
The lady at the store said
259
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,310
that bracelet would make
you look so cool?
260
00:12:09,810 --> 00:12:12,810
I knew it was a risk,
but she had a nose ring.
261
00:12:12,810 --> 00:12:15,060
You show me the good stuff,
262
00:12:15,060 --> 00:12:18,020
and I'll show you things people
want to hear you talk about.
263
00:12:18,020 --> 00:12:21,740
Like an underground rooftop.
264
00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:25,070
A nudie pumpkin patch
that's only open in July.
265
00:12:25,070 --> 00:12:27,870
A fight club where you
can fight a real Ninja Turtle.
266
00:12:29,740 --> 00:12:31,910
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
267
00:12:31,910 --> 00:12:35,080
I can't.
I told Gurgs I would help her.
268
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,590
I think it's time
you help yourself.
269
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,300
That's what
the nose ring girl said!
270
00:12:44,970 --> 00:12:46,430
All right, baby,
271
00:12:46,430 --> 00:12:48,640
I don't like you,
and you don't like me.
272
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:51,470
It says here babies
like high contrast.
273
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:54,270
So get ready to be dazzled.
274
00:12:56,810 --> 00:12:59,320
Your cradle will rock!
275
00:13:01,230 --> 00:13:03,360
Oh! Oh, you like that.
276
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:09,370
Uh-oh, put the mask back on.
Your face is upsetting it.
277
00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:12,410
So nice of you to weigh in
278
00:13:12,410 --> 00:13:15,160
when I've been raising
this baby all by myself.
279
00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:17,290
I had dreams, too, you know.
280
00:13:17,290 --> 00:13:20,170
It was going to be a dancer.
281
00:13:20,170 --> 00:13:21,500
What are you talking about?
282
00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:23,300
I don't know.
283
00:13:23,300 --> 00:13:25,130
I'm more tired
than I've ever been.
284
00:13:25,130 --> 00:13:26,800
Nothing is working.
285
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:28,970
You know,
this has to be Heather's fault.
286
00:13:28,970 --> 00:13:31,390
She's crazy.
She spawned a crazy baby.
287
00:13:31,390 --> 00:13:33,470
This baby wouldn't like anyone.
288
00:13:35,850 --> 00:13:37,900
Seems to like me.
289
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:40,110
What? Huh? How?
290
00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:42,150
You did nothing
to deserve that giggle.
291
00:13:42,150 --> 00:13:45,990
Maybe this baby is just
a very good judge of character.
292
00:13:45,990 --> 00:13:48,740
Please. He's just smiling at
you because you're a novelty.
293
00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:51,120
He barely sees you.
You're never home.
294
00:13:52,870 --> 00:13:54,910
You know what I think?
Aunt Abby might be jealous.
295
00:13:54,910 --> 00:13:56,710
Yes. You know what?
296
00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:59,880
She's having
an existential crisis.
297
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,670
I am not jealous.
298
00:14:01,670 --> 00:14:03,710
And if I were
to have an existential crisis,
299
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:05,630
it would have been
when the dentist told me
300
00:14:05,630 --> 00:14:07,550
that my mouth was too small
for Invisalign.
301
00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:12,180
You know what? I can't believe
how soft his little feet are.
302
00:14:12,180 --> 00:14:14,680
The wonderful smell.
303
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:16,480
That is coming from him!
304
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,390
Well, you have fun hanging out
305
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,350
when you don't even
know about the spot on his head
306
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,520
that could kill him.
- You mean the fontanelle?
307
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,650
"Ooh. I'm Dan.
308
00:14:24,650 --> 00:14:26,320
I know all about parts
of the head
309
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,780
because I dated
pediatric nurses in the '80s."
310
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,410
Kimberly was my favorite.
311
00:14:36,290 --> 00:14:37,910
Can I get you a coffee
to stay awake?
312
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:39,670
Because nothing exciting
is coming.
313
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:41,000
I made sure of that.
314
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,630
Well, first of all,
315
00:14:42,630 --> 00:14:45,750
I don't sleep on account
of horse cocaine.
316
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,130
Second, I think things
could be freaking up.
317
00:14:48,130 --> 00:14:49,680
A baby just walked in
318
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,640
with a golden bachelor
strapped to him.
319
00:14:54,890 --> 00:14:56,390
What the hell is going on?
320
00:14:56,390 --> 00:14:57,930
Why is Dan doing court
with Heather's baby?
321
00:14:57,930 --> 00:15:00,390
Because Heather's
baby prefers Dan to me.
322
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,400
But that's fine, I don't care.
323
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,860
I hope they smell each other's
heads until they choke on it.
324
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:10,450
Shh. The baby's happier
when he thinks you aren't here.
325
00:15:10,450 --> 00:15:12,990
Cut it out.
This is all too interesting.
326
00:15:12,990 --> 00:15:16,080
Don't worry, Gurgs,
I understood the assignment.
327
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,290
Why?
328
00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:25,500
You told me
to look like a lawyer.
329
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:28,760
She's called "lawyer."
330
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:32,180
I think we found your look.
331
00:15:32,180 --> 00:15:33,800
Please tell me
this next case won't make
332
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:36,510
us look like a circus.
- Sure.
333
00:15:36,510 --> 00:15:39,430
Just know,
if I ever were to betray you,
334
00:15:39,430 --> 00:15:41,350
it would be for a good reason.
335
00:15:42,980 --> 00:15:45,020
The people versus Bill Johnson.
336
00:15:45,020 --> 00:15:47,690
This is a run-of-the-mill
parking violation.
337
00:15:47,690 --> 00:15:49,570
Well, Your Honor, actually,
338
00:15:49,570 --> 00:15:51,530
the van that Mr. Johnson owns
is his place of business.
339
00:15:51,530 --> 00:15:53,360
Oh, yes, it is.
340
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:56,200
It's a place of work.
341
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:59,120
Could the Counselor please use
his big boy voice in court?
342
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:02,080
I'm sure it would be much
appreciated by the prosecutor.
343
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,630
What wig?
344
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,750
Judge, Mr. Johnson brought
witnesses.
345
00:16:06,750 --> 00:16:10,920
Your Honor, Mr. Pecks
is an employee of Mr. Johnson.
346
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:13,760
You won't believe your eyes
when you see
347
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:17,100
how much he can lift
with his nipples!
348
00:16:19,220 --> 00:16:22,100
Wyatt, why is there
nipple talk?
349
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,810
This guy runs an actual circus?
350
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:28,570
I'm sorry, Gurgs.
351
00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:30,440
Dr. Nitelife said he
would take me to cool places.
352
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,610
A man can only build
so many bears.
353
00:16:34,780 --> 00:16:37,280
Judge, I would like
to request a recess
354
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:41,790
due to an unforgivable betrayal
by a spineless weasel.
355
00:16:41,790 --> 00:16:44,620
Your honor, I seem
to have a situation, as well.
356
00:16:44,620 --> 00:16:46,790
A diaper situation.
357
00:16:46,790 --> 00:16:49,290
And I know
that your friend buys generic,
358
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,760
so time is of the essence.
359
00:16:53,930 --> 00:16:55,720
I really wish we could take
a break,
360
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:57,590
but we need to get through
these witnesses.
361
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,890
So send in the clowns.
362
00:17:09,690 --> 00:17:11,440
Y'all get out of here
right now.
363
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:12,940
I can tell by your space work
364
00:17:12,940 --> 00:17:15,200
none of you
are classically trained.
365
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:20,370
We got nips, we got flips,
we got exploding diapers!
366
00:17:20,370 --> 00:17:22,370
And who's right in the middle?
367
00:17:22,370 --> 00:17:26,210
The fail-iff!
Rock bottom alert.
368
00:17:26,210 --> 00:17:29,540
If you like this content, please
remember to like and follow.
369
00:17:29,540 --> 00:17:31,210
You really have to take
this baby.
370
00:17:31,210 --> 00:17:33,840
The odor actually
has a heat.
371
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:35,760
Yeah, well, maybe the smell
wouldn't be that bad
372
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:37,890
if you weren't constantly
kissing that baby's ass.
373
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,510
You know what?
Why do you have to be
374
00:17:39,510 --> 00:17:41,010
more of a baby than the baby?
375
00:17:41,010 --> 00:17:42,220
I have nothing in common
with that baby.
376
00:17:42,220 --> 00:17:43,640
That baby sucks!
377
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,020
You think
my baby sucks?
378
00:17:46,020 --> 00:17:49,150
You know what, Abby? You suck!
- No, don't!
379
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:59,160
Get your antibiotics,
'cause this is going viral!
380
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:03,750
Now your mommy has
two messes to clean up.
381
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:14,340
Heather, you're back.
How was the "clerb"?
382
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:17,260
I'm sorry I said
that about the baby.
383
00:18:17,260 --> 00:18:18,680
Please don't be angry.
384
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,590
Why would you say
DiGiorno sucks?
385
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,510
Because there's something
wrong with me.
386
00:18:22,510 --> 00:18:24,470
I tried everything and
I couldn't get him to like me.
387
00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:26,020
When I'm with a baby,
388
00:18:26,020 --> 00:18:27,390
I don't know what
the hell to do.
389
00:18:27,390 --> 00:18:29,100
No one does.
390
00:18:29,100 --> 00:18:31,360
Why do you think I was
so desperate for a break?
391
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,980
I didn't even do anything fun.
392
00:18:32,980 --> 00:18:36,690
I just went to the park
and ate a hot dog.
393
00:18:36,690 --> 00:18:38,320
Then I got two more.
394
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:41,240
Okay, I had four!
395
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,990
I'm the worst mom in the world.
- Are you kidding?
396
00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:46,290
From what I've seen,
you're a...
397
00:18:46,290 --> 00:18:49,210
surprisingly okay-ish mom.
398
00:18:49,210 --> 00:18:52,290
You're just trying to be nice.
399
00:18:52,290 --> 00:18:54,340
Would a surprisingly
okay-ish mom
400
00:18:54,340 --> 00:18:56,920
have four more hot dogs
in her purse?
401
00:18:58,590 --> 00:19:00,340
If one of them is for me,
402
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:02,800
I'd upgrade you to
downright not bad.
403
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,850
You must be doing
something right.
404
00:19:04,850 --> 00:19:08,430
You're raising a baby
that Dan Fielding likes.
405
00:19:08,430 --> 00:19:10,560
Are you cutting my hot dog?
406
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:12,650
I don't want you to choke.
I can lift you,
407
00:19:12,650 --> 00:19:15,400
but I can't flip you over
and slap you on the back.
408
00:19:17,650 --> 00:19:20,280
Holy crap. I am a great mom.
409
00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:22,780
I should teach a class.
410
00:19:22,780 --> 00:19:24,990
Yeah. People would learn a lot.
411
00:19:24,990 --> 00:19:26,990
Like a field trip to a prison.
412
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,080
Just came to say good-bye.
413
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,620
- Aww.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
414
00:19:30,620 --> 00:19:32,290
Okay.
415
00:19:34,420 --> 00:19:36,000
Ciao, DiGiorno.
416
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,050
And, listen, if you tell
anybody that we did this,
417
00:19:38,050 --> 00:19:40,380
I will just simply deny it.
418
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:42,380
Boop.
419
00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:44,260
All right, Deej,
420
00:19:44,260 --> 00:19:46,310
don't let the door hit you
in the diap on the way out.
421
00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:50,390
Ah!
422
00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:52,980
I did it! I won!
He likes me.
423
00:19:52,980 --> 00:19:55,480
Oh. Good job. Boop!
424
00:20:00,610 --> 00:20:02,660
Shoo, shoo.
425
00:20:07,990 --> 00:20:11,620
These clowns are worse
than the rats.
426
00:20:11,620 --> 00:20:13,880
I have to go get
some more traps.
427
00:20:15,710 --> 00:20:17,840
I'm sure #fail-iff is trending
by now.
428
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,050
I don't want to be
a Halloween costume again.
429
00:20:20,050 --> 00:20:21,840
I do.
430
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,720
I heard him call me
a "pros-e-cutie."
431
00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:27,600
Makes me blush
when I think about it.
432
00:20:29,060 --> 00:20:30,850
Well, Dr. Nitelife
blew me off.
433
00:20:30,850 --> 00:20:34,230
He double-tapped me
and said, "Unsubscribe."
434
00:20:34,230 --> 00:20:37,650
Congrats on blowing up
my TikTok again, Gregs.
435
00:20:37,650 --> 00:20:41,820
Check out the video.
Get ready to binge cringe.
436
00:20:41,820 --> 00:20:44,280
I can't watch, but I can't not.
437
00:20:47,410 --> 00:20:50,910
Wait, this is nothing
like the last time.
438
00:20:50,910 --> 00:20:54,080
That was me looking
crazy all by myself.
439
00:20:55,540 --> 00:20:58,460
{\an8}This is us looking
crazy all together.
440
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:02,170
{\an8}It's perfect.
- No, it's not perfect.
441
00:21:02,170 --> 00:21:04,630
{\an8}It's embarrassing to you.
If it doesn't make you feel bad,
442
00:21:04,630 --> 00:21:07,050
{\an8}how am I supposed to feel good?
I'm 35.
443
00:21:07,050 --> 00:21:09,890
{\an8}It's too late for me to learn
how to love myself.
444
00:21:10,970 --> 00:21:13,730
{\an8}You know what?
Make all the videos you want.
445
00:21:13,730 --> 00:21:15,270
{\an8}We've got nothing to hide.
446
00:21:15,270 --> 00:21:17,610
{\an8}And neither do I.
447
00:21:24,110 --> 00:21:25,110
{\an8}It's funny.
34459
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