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1
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This programme contains strong
language and adult humour
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00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:05,360
I saw his pink, bare arse
and thought,
3
00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:08,360
"Oh, my God, that poor
little dog's got cancer."
4
00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:10,760
It was like something
out of a John Lewis advert, Lorc.
5
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:13,560
I just... I knew
that I had to have her.
6
00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:16,560
But now that I've got her home,
7
00:00:16,560 --> 00:00:18,760
I do wonder if she is a dog at all.
8
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,960
PIG OINKS
9
00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:23,960
Now, you have been sold
a pup, all right.
10
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,200
Just not in the way
that you wanted.
11
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:28,800
Oh, Lorcan, what are we going to do
with her?
12
00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,680
Don't worry. I'll take her to work
with me, so I will.
13
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:33,040
Oh! Yes, Lorcan.
14
00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:34,800
You take her to work and you make
a little,
15
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:37,160
um, piggy petting farm with her.
16
00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:40,280
Well, I'd be "petting" the muzzle
of a bolt gun to her temple,
17
00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,360
if that's what you mean.
18
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,960
It wasn't. No.
19
00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:46,560
I mean, maybe we just keep her.
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Keep a pig?
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00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:50,640
As a...as a pet, Gemma?
22
00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:52,600
Absolutely not. Why not?
23
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:54,920
I feel like that's just way
less painful than blowing
24
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,360
its bloody head off.
25
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,600
Less painful, you say? Yeah.
26
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,400
Ah... What's up?
27
00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:05,760
See, Gemma, a bolt to the head
hurts, I'll give you that,
28
00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:10,240
but it's absolutely nothing compared
to the pain of a bolt to the heart.
29
00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:16,200
His name was Tiernan and
he was a legend.
30
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,280
Tiernan was the fourth musketeer.
31
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,280
He was too good for this world.
He really was.
32
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:22,760
You see, Gem, taking on a pig,
33
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:25,840
it's not something you do lightly,
like getting a dog or having a baby.
34
00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:27,720
It's a lot more serious than that.
35
00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:30,640
More serious than having a baby?
36
00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:34,280
100 times more serious.
Tiernan could do things no baby
37
00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:36,200
in all of Ballymacnoose
would be capable of.
38
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:39,039
He once saved my life when I fell
in a slurry tank.
39
00:01:39,039 --> 00:01:41,360
Yep, ran a 30-second mile
back to the farm
40
00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:43,039
to warn us of J-man's trouble.
41
00:01:43,039 --> 00:01:45,160
In fairness, Callum did phone
the ambulance and almost
42
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:48,120
fell in the slurry tank trying
to fish him out as well.
43
00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:49,960
No, I played my part.
44
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:51,920
It was all Tiernan.
It was all Tiernan.
45
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:54,960
It's like having a father
and a brother all rolled into one.
46
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:56,560
That sounds like a good thing.
47
00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:58,920
Aye. Until you lose a brother
and a father
48
00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:01,040
all rolled into one as well, hey.
49
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:04,960
How did he pass?
50
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:08,800
Like Arthur Morgan
from Red Dead Redemption 2.
51
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,520
Back to the wall, guns blazing.
52
00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:13,480
It was pig rabies.
53
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:19,440
Yeah. And he's still this upset
about a pig that died from rabies...
54
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,640
..eight years ago?
55
00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:24,520
Gemma, what you have
to understand is Tiernan
56
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,200
was no ordinary pig.
57
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:29,079
He wore a little red cowboy hat.
58
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:32,960
So you just put a hat on him?
59
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:36,320
No, Gemma, see,
that's what was so amazing.
60
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,000
None of us put the hat on him.
61
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:16,160
Duh-duh! Oh, that looks lovely, Mal.
62
00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:18,240
I'm not eating that.
63
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,079
What's wrong with it?
What's wrong with it?
64
00:03:20,079 --> 00:03:21,560
Are you actually asking
that question?
65
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:23,440
I'm actually asking that question,
yes. What's wrong with it?
66
00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,440
It's thin pizza, Daddy.
I asked for thick pizza with
67
00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:27,920
a saucy crust to pillow my bite
cos I've got sensitive teeth.
68
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,440
Oh, you don't have sensitive teeth.
69
00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,240
You had sensitive teeth
once when you came
70
00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:32,720
out of the dentist,
for goodness' sake.
71
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:35,000
Daddy, yeah, and that kind of thing
sticks with you forever.
72
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,280
No, it's fine, because I only took
two hours to make that.
73
00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:39,480
Daddy, eating that would be like
eating jagged rocks!
74
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,360
Just eat, Jordan. Come on.
75
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:44,040
May I please at least watch
my programme while I eat?
76
00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:48,120
You're 24 years old, you don't need
to ask that any more.
77
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,440
Thanks a frigging bunch.
78
00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:55,800
You're welcome.
79
00:03:57,880 --> 00:03:59,200
It's a pleasure.
80
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,360
Um, sorry.
81
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:03,600
As I was saying, thank you very much
for letting me stay the week till
82
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,120
this gas leak gets sorted.
83
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,720
You know, it's lovely
to have you, Callum.
84
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,200
You're a great help with Jordan.
85
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,880
Oh, yous handle him brilliantly.
86
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:17,880
He's a good boy
deep, deep, deep, deep...
87
00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:19,320
..deep down.
88
00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,040
And with two dads here,
89
00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:22,920
why not have two sons as well?
90
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,280
THEY LAUGH
91
00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:26,880
Yes.
92
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,400
I've never had a dad.
93
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:32,920
It's...
94
00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:35,880
Right.
95
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:37,400
More pizza.
96
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,560
Good idea. Yeah.
97
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,920
Hey, Jord, you awake?
98
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:49,760
I'm reading. What is it?
99
00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:52,440
Nothing. Um, I was just thinking,
100
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:57,360
isn't it funny how my dad left
when I was five,
101
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,120
so I never really had a dad...
102
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:04,800
..but you have two dads and you
don't really like either of them?
103
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:09,600
JORDAN LAUGHS
104
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,080
Yeah, that is pretty funny.
105
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:13,920
Yeah.
106
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:14,960
Hey, Cal?
107
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:17,360
Yeah, J-man?
108
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,280
They're my dads, OK?
109
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:24,600
Yeah.
110
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:28,240
I like having two and I'm not
open to sharing them.
111
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,480
Got it?
112
00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:30,640
Yep.
113
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,760
I'm going to tug myself
to sleep here.
114
00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,800
I'll see you in the morning.
115
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,159
CLEARS THROAT
116
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PUMPING
117
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PUMPING CONTINUES
118
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:57,200
Come on!
119
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,920
Come on! Come on!
120
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:01,320
PIG OINKS
121
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:01,320
Come on!
122
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:05,280
Lorcey, please can you come over
here and help with Georgina?
123
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:09,080
Jesus Christ,
now you've named the bloody thing.
124
00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:11,120
Why are you sat all the way
over there?
125
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:12,680
Because you invited me round, Gem.
Yeah.
126
00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:16,000
Lorcan, I mean, why are you sat at
the furthest possible place from us?
127
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,160
Come on, Georgina, have some
of Uncle Joey's formula.
128
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:24,320
It's tasty. It's creamy.
It's creamy, Georgina.
129
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,880
I'll tell you, Tiernan
never had a need of a formula.
130
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,240
He came out of his mother's tract
131
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:31,280
fully grown and not a squeal
from him.
132
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:34,159
Almost had the feel
of the nativity.
133
00:06:34,159 --> 00:06:36,880
I'm sorry, Lorc. Did you just
compare Tiernan's birth
134
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,360
to the birth of Jesus Christ?
135
00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,920
I might have been heading
in that direction, yes.
136
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:43,400
Right. You know, I really did not
want to say it, Lorcan, but I feel
137
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,480
like you might be romanticising
Tiernan just a little touch.
138
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:47,720
LORCAN CHUCKLES
139
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:49,360
Where on Earth's this coming from?
140
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:52,800
You said he ran a 30-second mile the
day Jordan fell in the slurry.
141
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:56,720
And? Yeah, that's fucking nuts,
Lorcey! That's 120mph.
142
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,000
Right, I'll concede
I don't actually know the exact
143
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,280
speed in which he was going.
144
00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:02,720
And did he actually put a hat on his
head or did you just put a hat
145
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:05,560
on for him? Gemma, I'm just going to
pretend like I didn't hear that.
146
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:06,960
Yeah, I'm sorry, but I just...
147
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,040
I really do struggle to conceive of
a little piggy putting a hat
148
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:11,280
on his head with trotters.
That just makes no sense to me.
149
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:14,320
I don't understand the
exact mechanics on how he did it,
150
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:17,000
but it was there,
it was red and it was on his head.
151
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:20,520
Whoa, whoa, watch you don't get too
close to Georgina, Lorcey.
152
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:22,680
God forbid you give her a chance.
153
00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:24,440
I think I've outstayed my
welcome here.
154
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,120
Yeah, you...
155
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,360
Jordan, you think I could have
a go soon?
156
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:43,760
You think you could maybe shut
the fuck up?
157
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:47,760
CALLUM SIGHS
158
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:49,200
Sorry, but if you're going to watch,
159
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:50,880
could you not bring
that negative energy?
160
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,680
It, like, literally affects
my focus.
161
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:58,520
Sorry. I think I'm tired from that
14-hour shift I just finished.
162
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,280
But you're right,
I'll nip out here,
163
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:03,880
take a breather,
get my buzz back.
164
00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:05,160
Yeah?
165
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:39,480
HE SIGHS
166
00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:46,480
CONTENTED SIGH
167
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:52,800
Oh!
168
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,520
Callum? Hello.
169
00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:59,200
Are you OK down there?
170
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,720
Yeah. Hunky dory.
171
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:02,400
Um, what's up?
172
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:03,800
What are you doing, love?
173
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:07,640
It's just something I saw in a
David Attenborough documentary once.
174
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:10,320
You see, when a mongoose is wounded,
175
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:13,480
it likes to crawl
under a rock and die.
176
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:17,960
And it's funny because I just
remember looking at its wee face
177
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:22,720
and seeing the will to live
go out of its eyes in real time.
178
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:25,320
And, yeah, I just thought to myself,
you know what?
179
00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:29,160
That actually looks
bloody relaxing, so...
180
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:31,000
Ha, right.
181
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:34,720
Do you want to have
a little talk, Callum?
182
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,840
Yeah, mm-hm. What about?
183
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:41,240
Well, I thought we could just have
a little chat about your feelings.
184
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:44,960
Have you ever talked to someone
about your feelings?
185
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:51,360
LOUD SOBBING
186
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,960
INDISTINCT BAWLING
187
00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:03,680
The last time I saw my dad
188
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:07,360
was the start of my...my
fifth birthday!
189
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,240
And he said the magician was shit.
190
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:13,200
And then he said he wasn't
having fun any more.
191
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,840
And then he left forever.
192
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:17,160
Oh, no, son. What a shame.
193
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:19,360
You know,
it's not your fault he left.
194
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:22,520
No, everyone's...
What's all this racket?
195
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:23,960
Jordan.
196
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,840
What the fuck is going on in here?
197
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:28,080
Come on, Jordan, let's get
you some milky malties.
198
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,320
No, I don't want any of those
shit biscuits, Daddy!
199
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:32,040
What is going on over there?
200
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:33,520
Callum, look at me!
201
00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:34,920
CALLUM BAWLS
202
00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:37,920
Get off me! The custard cream!
The custard!
203
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,600
Why is he getting all the attention?
You're my daddies.
204
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,640
You're my daddies.
He's not getting all the attention.
205
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:43,840
I'm not going to leave it, no.
206
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,840
Callum!
Callum, I warned you about this.
207
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:48,080
The sleepover's over!
You're going to your bed.
208
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,040
They're my daddies!
209
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,080
Callum! Oh, no.
210
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,640
CALLUM SOBS
211
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,640
Sh!
212
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:55,000
That's it.
213
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:02,920
Wait till you hear this -
she said I was romanticising you.
214
00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:04,880
ETHEREAL VOICE: Romanticising, wuh?
215
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:09,120
Frig me. Would you take me out
to dinner first?
216
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:10,640
You always know what to say.
217
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,320
You always know just what to say.
218
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:15,720
And do you like this girl, Lorcan?
219
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:18,880
I love her to bits.
Well, tell me about her,
220
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:20,360
I'm listening.
221
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:22,880
Och, Tiernan,
she's utterly fantastic.
222
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,320
First-generation England
to Northern Ireland immigrant.
223
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,840
Totally new to our wants
and ways, hey?
224
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:29,240
Everything's a wonder to her.
225
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,960
And through that osmosis,
I feel that wonder too.
226
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,720
That's absolutely class.
227
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:37,560
I feel like I'm seeing the world for
the first time when I'm with her.
228
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:39,120
And so tell me this,
229
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,480
here's the £100 question -
230
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:42,880
what's the problem?
231
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,400
Well, she was questioning your
top land speed for a start.
232
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,000
Yeah. 11mph.
233
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,840
Come on, Tiernan, it's faster than
that. That's a dog's pace.
234
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,000
That's a pig's pace, Lorcan.
235
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,440
Wait till you here this, then.
She comes up to me and says
236
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,760
you didn't put that hat on yourself
and that we put it on for you.
237
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,280
Now, how's that for a chuckle?
238
00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:04,080
Tiernan, I says,
"How's that for a chuckle?"
239
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:07,320
I've got wee pig trotters, Lorcan.
240
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:08,800
Don't be doing this, Tiernan.
241
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:11,840
How am I going to pick up a
hat with these? You could have...
242
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:14,680
You could have knocked it
off a table and positioned yourself
243
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,240
underneath to catch it in your head.
244
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:17,600
Lorcan...
245
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:20,280
You could have picked it up with
your wee mouth.
246
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,920
TIERNAN SIGHS
247
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,920
Gemma sounds lovely, kid.
248
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:24,760
Tiernan, wait.
249
00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:26,800
You treat her right, now.
250
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:29,200
Come on, Tiernan,
you could have done it. Come on now.
251
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,520
Tiernan, wait! Tiernan!
252
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,520
Tiernan!!!
253
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,920
SHOUTING CONTINUES
254
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:40,880
"Callum.
255
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:45,000
"The one thing I asked you not
to do was steal my daddies.
256
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:52,240
"It's time for me to fly the coop
and make it out in the real world.
257
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:56,560
"Hopefully, a less harsh, brutal
world full of traitors than the one
258
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:57,880
"I leave behind me."
259
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:02,680
And then he did a depiction
of the three of us.
260
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:06,080
I wondered why the biscuit cupboard
was empty when I got up.
261
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:08,400
He usually takes a multipack or two
and hides in the hedges
262
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,200
for a couple of hours.
263
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,800
I'm sorry.
264
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:15,000
He did ask me not to steal
you guys from him.
265
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,880
That's what I did, so.
266
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,800
Cal, he's just acting out.
267
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,160
We get a letter like that about once
a week.
268
00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:24,320
But we probably should start
combing, just to be safe.
269
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:27,040
I mean, he's packed for a longer
journey than usual.
270
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,640
I'll get the trimmers.
271
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,560
J-man here. If this is Callum
trying to call,
272
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:55,240
fuck off, you daddy-thieving, home-
wrecking, scumbag piece of shit.
273
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,560
If this is Lorcan, hey, man,
no beef with you.
274
00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:59,480
How are things?
Hope we can still be friends
275
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:02,600
when I'm settled in my new life,
wherever the wind may blow me.
276
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:04,680
Ha! "Blow me."
277
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:04,680
PHONE BEEPS
278
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:06,360
I really don't want "blow me"
279
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,800
to be the last thing he says
to us, Lorcan.
280
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:10,920
This business about stealing
his fathers...
281
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:14,480
I didn't steal them, I just got
along with them really well.
282
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,760
They're fantastic men, Lorc.
283
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,600
Sometimes I think Jordan
just takes them for granted.
284
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:23,360
Well, that is quite an understated
way of saying it, yes.
285
00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:28,400
Cal?
286
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,800
They got me to talk about my
feelings.
287
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,160
To talk about what?
288
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:37,520
It's the act of putting words
to emotions.
289
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,800
You're going to have to slow down,
mucker. I'm not sure I follow.
290
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,920
This is the way Jordan's dads
explained it to me, right?
291
00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:44,800
What do you do when your bladder
is full?
292
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,160
Well, I shoot pish right out of my
cock. Where are you going with this?
293
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,880
What do you do when
your bum's full of poo?
294
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,320
I drop trou and I paint
the toilet bowl with my dung.
295
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,920
I don't see what this has to do
with feelings.
296
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,640
What do you do when your heart's
full of sadness?
297
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,400
Well, I would just...
298
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:00,120
Well, uh...
299
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:03,960
You keep it all in, don't you?
300
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,440
And God forbid what would happen
301
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:10,000
if you could never poo
out your bum again.
302
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:17,040
The gas would build up until
I exploded in a shower of shite.
303
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:19,000
Actually happened to
four of our cattle last year.
304
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:22,000
Eyes burst out of their skulls.
Exactly.
305
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,880
Talking to Jordan's dads
about my failings,
306
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:29,520
it was as though my constipated
heart finally took a big, big poo.
307
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,600
I know it sounds silly, Lorcan...
308
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:34,400
No, no, it doesn't.
309
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:39,680
I'm a bit backed up myself,
in a manner of speaking.
310
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:42,680
Look, all the hardy poos
in the world ain't going to help us
311
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,400
one bit if we don't get
to him in time.
312
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,960
What if he's couped into that
slurry tank again, Lorcan?
313
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:51,000
We don't even have Tiernan
this time to save him.
314
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,280
No.
315
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:54,920
We don't.
316
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:04,120
What?
317
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,760
Come on, Georgie. Come on, Georgie.
318
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:14,560
Oh. Look who it is, Georgie,
it's the big, bad wolf.
319
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,880
I'm not here to do no huffing
and puffing, Gem.
320
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:19,640
I'm here to do something
I should have done a long time ago.
321
00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:21,480
Lorcey...
322
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,240
CLASPS UNFASTEN
323
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,240
Lorcan, please don't tell me
324
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:24,360
that's what I think it is.
325
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:25,920
Lorcey, no!
326
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,960
I will not let you send her across
the Rainbow Bridge, you bastard!
327
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,280
If you bolt-gun Georgina,
328
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,760
you're going to have to
bolt-gun me as well!
329
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:36,080
Gemma, I'm not here to
double-homicide bolt-gun yous.
330
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:37,480
It's crazier than that.
331
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,600
I'm here to talk about my feelings.
332
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,360
What?
333
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:47,280
It's the act of putting words
to emotion.
334
00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:48,680
Let me try and explain.
335
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,120
It bears similarity to when you
shoot pish out of your...
336
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:53,360
Yeah, no, Lorcey, I know what talking
about your feelings is.
337
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:56,360
Right, right. Oh, well. May I?
Yeah, of course.
338
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,960
My father tried to warn me
about Tiernan.
339
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,240
The only pig petting
to him was to...
340
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:07,359
"Petting" a bolt gun
against their piggy temple, yeah.
341
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:12,119
"He's going to end up bacon and
go breaking your heart, thon boar."
342
00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:14,760
They often used to rhyme to me
over bedtime supper.
343
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,720
I didn't believe it.
344
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:19,240
I confused the lifespan of pigs
with a tortoise.
345
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,359
I thought Tiernan was going
to live to 100,
346
00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:23,680
but then...
347
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:25,680
Pig rabies.
348
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:27,920
I knew it as soon as I saw him.
349
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,200
It's that rabies madness
in his eyes,
350
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,960
the violence of his squeal!
351
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:35,080
Ah, he was already gone.
352
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:38,760
I held a bolt gun for
the first time that day.
353
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:42,600
And I've been sending
pigs to kingdom come ever since.
354
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,480
That stops now, hey.
355
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,840
It's time to put this piggy
through her paces.
356
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,640
She's got work to do.
357
00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:58,160
Georgina, come on now.
Come on, Georgie.
358
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,000
Now, what a lot of people don't
realise about pigs
359
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,080
is they have 2,000 times the
smelling capacity of the human nose.
360
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:05,640
She could sniff a clean arse from
a mile off, never mind a dirty one.
361
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:06,680
That's incredible.
362
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,080
Now, Callum, have you brought the
things with Jordan's scent on them,
363
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:11,520
like I asked you for?
Yeah, there were a lot of options.
364
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:14,800
These were the freshest and
the wettest. Oohhh!
365
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:15,960
That's it, there.
366
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,760
Yeah. That'll do rightly. Ugh!
367
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:20,240
Does he just cum straight
in his pants?
368
00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:21,280
Yeah, he does.
369
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:25,200
Right. Georgina, give these
a wee huff here now.
370
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,280
Here... Right.
371
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:28,120
You copy me, you ready?
372
00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:29,520
HE BREATHES IN DEEPLY
373
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:30,960
HE RETCHES
374
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:33,520
Oh, Jesus!
375
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:35,360
That was powerful stuff!
376
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:37,240
All right, come on, now.
377
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:38,720
Give them a wee sniff.
378
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:40,760
Oh, that's it, there. You got him?
379
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:41,880
Come on.
380
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,400
She's got it. She's got it!
381
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:44,560
She's got it.
382
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,280
That's a pig's pace!
383
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:47,680
Jordan!
384
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,880
That's a pig's pace right there.
Jordan!
385
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,080
Jordan!
386
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:53,400
Oh!
387
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,440
Jordan!
388
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,480
GEORGINA GRUNTS
389
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,040
Jordan!
390
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:07,040
Jordan! Jordan!
391
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:11,400
A Twix?
392
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,440
Bite marks still fresh.
393
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:15,760
He must be close.
394
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:16,840
Help!
395
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:18,640
GEORGINA SQUEALS
396
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,880
Help! Help!
397
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,240
Help! Help me!
398
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:27,280
Jordan! Lorcan! Jordan!
399
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,640
Lorcan, please, God, help me!
400
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:32,280
Jesus!
Been stuck here all bloody morning.
401
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:33,840
Who the hell invented the thing?
402
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,000
Agh! Lorcan, man!
403
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,160
Oh!
404
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:40,600
Oh, jeez.
405
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,080
Oh, I'm glad you're all right.
406
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,000
Well, look who it is.
407
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,360
The dad burglar.
408
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:53,960
You know, I've no more daddies
for you to steal, Callum.
409
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,640
Maybe try Jacomo.
410
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,080
I didn't mean to steal your daddies,
Jordan.
411
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:00,800
It all happened at once.
412
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,440
I had not one but two brilliant men
413
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,160
filling the daddy-shaped hole
in my life.
414
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,320
I feel like there's a better way of
saying that one, sure.
415
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:12,280
Two kind, sweet daddies filling
my hole right up to the brim.
416
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,120
But they're not mine.
417
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:16,120
I lost mine, and I sure as hell
418
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:19,000
don't want to lose my best
friend as well.
419
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:23,360
Already nearly lost you once
in that 900-gallon slurry tank,
420
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:25,160
and now this?
421
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:26,360
This evil fence!
422
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:32,080
I was just happy to have a daddy
for once, is all.
423
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:34,440
I'm sorry.
424
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:41,360
Is there not something you want to
say to Callum, big man? Huh?
425
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:47,640
Maybe I'm partly to blame
for this as well, to an extent.
426
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,600
Like, you have zero dads,
427
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,000
and I literally have two...
428
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,800
..and they can be pretty
overbearing.
429
00:20:58,080 --> 00:20:59,640
It'd actually be kind of cool
430
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:02,240
if you took them off my hands from
time to time.
431
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:07,280
Within respectful boundaries,
432
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:10,000
yeah, I'd love to be fathered by
your daddies, Jordan.
433
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:16,160
# If you'd just call
434
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:20,400
# I'm never too far away
435
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:24,640
# I'm never too far gone
436
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:26,320
# Don't turn away... #
437
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,560
Ah, that's my boys!
438
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:32,520
And that's your father, Georgina.
439
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,720
Well, it looks like you lucked out
440
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,960
on the porker front once again,
Lorcey.
441
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:52,400
Well, the truth of the matter is,
Callum, it's no luck at all.
442
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:55,560
My romanticisation of Big T
was preventing me from not only
443
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:58,800
seeing the simple beauty
of Georgina, but every single pig
444
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:02,360
on God's green Earth. Made it a lot
easier to scramble their brains
445
00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:03,600
with bolt weaponry, you see?
446
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,920
Looks like someone's been talking
about their feelings.
447
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,560
Indeed I have.
448
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,080
It's made me realise
I might need to start looking
449
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:12,760
for a new line of work.
450
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,080
If Tiernan's a pig like any other,
451
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:17,880
and any other pig's a pig
as sweet as he,
452
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:20,840
I've essentially been bolting my
childhood pet in the head
453
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,280
36 times a day, six days a week,
for the past seven years.
454
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:27,400
I can't begin to fathom how many
Tiernans have fallen to these hands.
455
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,640
It's 78,624.
456
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,560
I just did it on
my phone calculator.
457
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,040
That's more than died at Hiroshima.
458
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:35,600
OK. Thank you, Jordan.
459
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:36,920
No problem. Thanks, Jordan.
460
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:38,960
You know, Lorcey,
if you hadn't done it,
461
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,480
I'm sure someone else would have.
462
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,520
GUNSHOT
463
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:44,720
Yeah.
464
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:45,960
My dad.
465
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:49,120
GEORGINA GRUNTS
466
00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:50,200
Guys, look.
467
00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:55,720
I don't think she was wearing that
hat before, was she?
468
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:57,560
Oh, Georgie!
469
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:01,000
Holy crap, I've got goose bumps!
470
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:05,240
Well, pluck my arse
and call me a chicken.
471
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:09,360
# If you just call
472
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:13,560
# I'm never too far away
473
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:17,640
# I'm never too gone
474
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:21,520
# Don't turn away
475
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:29,640
# Will you just be here with me?
476
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:33,680
# You know I'll be there
477
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:37,680
# You know I'll be there
478
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:43,720
# You know I'll be there for you. #
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