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(SHOWER RUNNING)
(MOANING)

PETE: This is awesome.
DEBBIE: Oh, my God.

DEBBIE: Oh, my God.
This is crazy.

PETE: Oh, my God!
So incredible.

Do you want to know a secret?
I took a Viagra.

What?
This is awesome!

Why aren't I
using this every day?

What'd you do?
Wait. Stop, stop, stop.

Stop.
What?

(DEBBIE GROANS)

What's the matter?

"What's the matter?"

You just took a Viagra
to have sex with me.

I thought it
would make it better.

It was better. It takes
some of the pressure off.

Because you can't get
hard without a Viagra?

Is it because you
don't think I'm sexy?

I thought you'd
think it was fun

for me to
super-size it for once.

That is the worst birthday present
you could ever give someone.

I was just trying to go
turbo for your birthday.

My hard-ons are still in analog.
This shit's digital.

I don't want
a turbo penis.

I like your
medium-soft one.

Look, I can get it up.
Just not that far up.

Come on. You were liking it.
Forget it. Forget it.

Debbie, come on.

All right, you know what?
I'll be honest with you.

Lately, my penis hasn't been getting
as hard as it used to, all right?

And it's kind of
freaked me out.

I don't know whether or not it's because I'm
getting older or I'm losing testosterone.

No, it's what I told you. Your
artery to your heart is clogged

because you eat so much junk food,
and you have high cholesterol,

and that is directly
related to your penis vein.

My "penis vein"? Where'd
you get my penis vein?

There was a whole
Dr. Oz about it.

Cholesterol is not
clogging my penis vein.

Maybe I can't
get a hard-on fully

because, you know, I keep my
phone in my front pocket,

and it's radiating my balls. I'll give you that.
That makes sense.

Where'd you even get it from?

A very safe
and reputable farmacia.

Mexico? Mexico.

Look at this. You want
that to go to waste?

Looks like a plant
trying to reach the sun.

Okay, well...

I'll do it for 10 minutes,

but you have to figure out what
to do with the other four hours.

Stop it. Dad, stop.

(SING-SONGY)
I love you.

Time to get up.

Your breath
smells weird.

Wake up.

I really need
you to wake up.

(GIGGLES)

Wake up. Come on.

Time to wake up.
Okay.

Whoo!

PETE: Ready!

(ALL SINGING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)

PETE: Make a wish!

(PLAYING PIANO)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello, Sayid.

Can I watch Lost?

You can't handle Lost.

It's too violent,
and you won't understand.

If I don't understand it,
why can't I handle it?

Because you're eight.

I can handle it. I've seen a
shark eat a guy on Shark Week.

Shark Week is fake.

No, it's not.

All of it is reenactments.

I know, but they...

And that's scary. You shouldn't
be allowed to watch that.

They show the reenactments,
but they actually happened.

It's gonna give
you nightmares.

I can handle a nightmare. You're
a nightmare every day for me.

(CHARLOTTE CONTINUES
PLAYING PIANO)

Hey.

Don't eat that cupcake.

What?

The one you just
put into the sink.

I saw you were hiding that.

This cupcake? You think I'm
going to eat this cupcake?

Yeah. I so don't want this cupcake.
Look.

You're still going to eat it.
I'm going to eat that cupcake?

Just put it in the trash.

What would you like to do?
Your choice.

Anything?
Yeah, anything.

Just hang out with you guys.

Don't you want to get a
massage, or do something fun?

Forty's huge.

I'm turning 38.

Okay, 38. We will move on.

Isn't it weird that our
birthday is the same week,

and then we're going to have a
party, and it's just for me?

No, I don't think
it's weird at all.

Because you're turning
40 and I'm turning 38.

Come on, do you really want
to be one of those ladies

who's just so
insecure about their age?

And they lie, and then they gotta
remember, and it gets all...

You don't get it. See, you
don't understand how it works.

I don't want to shop
at old ladies' stores.

I don't want to go to J. Jill and
Chico's, and Ann Taylor Loft.

I'm not ready yet.

I need two more years.

That is so insane,
it kind of makes sense.

What'd you get me
for my birthday?

Wait a minute,
I thought you said that

we shouldn't get each
other gifts this year.

What do you mean?

You're supposed to
get me a surprise gift.

This is a big birthday.

I'm turning 40.

(PLAYING UPBEAT SONG)

SADIE: Mom!

Mom, why can't I get
new clothes?

(SCREAMING) What the fuck?
Nothing fits me!

God damn it!

I'm going to go work out,
I'll be back in about an hour.

Hey, did your father call
to wish you a happy birthday?

No, but that's no surprise.

Come on.
Coming.

You got to keep up with us, sweetheart.
Yeah, I'm in.

That's why your body
looks like your body

and her body
looks like her body.

Before, after.
Before, after.

You guys just go on without me.
I'm just gonna...

I think I gotta...

Fuck.

Thanks for letting
me join this team.

It's not really a team.

It's just a bunch of guys
that get together and ride.

I know, I know. PETE: Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

(HONKING)

Hey! Bike lane, asshole!

It's always the guy in
the fucking lnfiniti.

(PANTS)

Good. See, you're getting
tight here. Yeah.

This, we need to work on.
Okay.

So, why on earth is Pete taking Viagra?
What's going on?

I don't know.

I think maybe he isn't attracted
to me anymore or something.

I don't know.
Well, that is ridiculous.

If you were my girlfriend,
I would not need a Viagra.

I would need
an anti-Viagra pill...

To try not to get a boner.

But everyone
gives you a boner.

Don't sell yourself
short like that.

You give me a boner.

Barb doesn't give me a boner.

Maybe things are
just getting stale.

That's why if maybe I
work out really hard...

Maybe he'll be able
to get a boner again.

Why do you need
to have sex, Deb?

Sex is the number one thing
people fight about.

You stop having sex,
there will be no more fights.

I am living proof.

I have no sex,

and I am the happiest
I have ever been.

I knew it. I knew you
were not having sex.

I can see it on your face.

It's all...

Puckered and pained.

I'm enjoying our non-sex
period, that's all I'm saying.

Don't you miss it?

I wouldn't know, because I don't
have any feeling down there anymore.

I have nerve damage
from my C-section,

so everything's just kind of...
(WHISTLES)

She's numb down there.

I could sit down
hard on a fire hydrant,

and I wouldn't even
know that I was sitting.

I could get stung by a hornet down
there, and I would not feel it.

You could put
anything in there,

and I would not know
what the object was.

I used to pee
in a nice stream,

and now it just kind of goes
like a shower head.

That is the saddest
thing I've ever heard.

I think you need a family.
Don't you want a family?

No, I think
I want to Clooney it.

Clooney it?
Yup.

He doesn't seem happy.

Yeah, he is.

No, he's lonely.

No, he's not.

See, I think
he has sad eyes.

You sweet little thing, no.

He's doing sad, lonely eyes
to get the next lady.

Look, I can do it, too.
Watch.

I bet George Clooney
is really lonely.

Just him and his pig.

You'd fuck him.
I wouldn't.

So would you.
I would.

I wouldn't feel it,
but I would.

You'd fuck him with your numb vagina.
Yes, you would.

Ocean's Thirteen Inches, that's
what you'd find out. (LAUGHING)

Do you think?

I mean, that was idiotic, though.
You have to understand that.

That's the one
thing you don't do,

is tell her that
you used Viagra.

I think that's even
on the warning label.

We're in one of
those phases where

everything that
the other person says

just annoys
the shit out of each other.

All the time. It's a blast.
Don't worry about it.

You just gotta
ride that out.

This sounds terrible.

Okay, I like it.

But...

Do you ever wonder
what it would be like if, say,

you were separated
by something bigger.

Like death? Like her death?

I have given it
a fair amount of thought.

Not in a painful way,
just quietly slid into death.

Like a gas leak.

Absolutely.
It's gotta be peaceful.

I mean, this is the mother
of your children.

You want her to die...

No, I'd want it
to be a peaceful...

...gentle, you know.

Yeah, just like drift into a coma
from which she never awakens.

And then you move on.
Then you are a widower.

That's just it,
people love widowers.

They love widowers. It's like the
polar opposite of divorced guys.

It's the best.

It's like,
"Oh, that poor widower.

"If I could only
make him happy."

"Somehow, ease his pain."

"Cock-suck
away his sadness."

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING ALONG)

Do you know that this song,
Pixies did this song,

it's about a Salvador Dali short
film called Un Chien Andalusia.

This music doesn't
make people happy.

This song kicks off Doolittle, one of
the best albums of the last 30 years.

Look how angry you get
while listening to it.

An important record.

It's my birthday. You don't
control the radio on my birthday.

I do.
(SWITCHES RADIO TO 80s POP)

I control the radio
on my birthday.

(SINGING ALONG)

Sadie's watching Lost.

Sadie, how many times have
you watched Lost this week?

I only watched 11. But I have eight
more, and then I'm done, so...

How many are there?
114.

Are you kidding me?

You can't watch over 100 episodes
of a show in five weeks.

It'll melt your brain.

It's not melting my brain,
it's blowing my mind.

DEBBIE:
That's really bad, Sadie.

You're not allowed to do that.

My relationship with Lost
is not your business.

It's extremely personal.

Stop!

Stop it.
Be nice to your sister.

You guys are going to
cherish each other one day.

Stop it! Stop!

PETE: It's your birthday. You
don't need to go to the store.

No, just five minutes.
Desi and Jodi are fighting.

All right, five minutes,
but then I'm pulling you out.

Hi.

Hi.

How's Jodi treating you?

Jodi?

Oh, Jodi's my new BFF.

She's like a little kitty-cat.

Sometimes she comes
and rubs up against my leg.

And you're a ball of shit.

She loves me.

Huh.

Can you do inventory so that
we can do the sidewalk sale?

And you really need to pay
attention to the numbers

because we have
$12,000 unaccounted for.

I think it's probably Desi.

She's been having a really hard
time using these simple computers.

It's because she's stupid.

I think she might be stealing.

She's not stealing.

She's our best employee. She
made nine grand last month.

How much did I make?

You brought in $2,200.

That's not bad.

Well, it's not that good.

I mean, I'm not comparing you,
but you're not as good.

All right. See you.

I don't think she's
wearing underwear.

What?
It's all dark up there.

Why are you looking?

I didn't mean to look.

I just said, "Hey, whoa."
And there it was.

Maybe she's wearing
dark underwear.

Yeah, maybe she has underwear that has
a picture of a vagina painted on it.

Stop looking.

Some deep oranges and browns,
and maybe some dark greens.

That would really
play up your features.

I'll just take out my AmEx and you
pick what stuff you think's good.

Whoo!

(GASPS)

Good job!

Whoo!

Where's Daddy?

I think he went to poop.

Pete!

PETE: Q-A-T.
Suck on that, bitch.

Hey.
What are you doing?

Going to the bathroom.

We're all downstairs,
waiting for you.

You've been up here
for a really long time now.

I'm almost done.
I'll be down in a second.

Charlotte just did her first
flip on the trampoline

and she landed on her feet.

She was really
proud of herself.

That's great!
And you missed it.

She'll do it again.

It's the fourth time you've
gone to the bathroom today.

Give me a break.

Why is your instinct
to escape?

It's not my instinct
to escape from you.

It is my instinct to
come into the bathroom

when I need to go
to the bathroom.

You want me to hook up
cable in here or something?

You need DirecTV?

Well, it's probably
too late for this dump,

but if you could do that for
the next one, I'd be psyched.

How come
I don't smell anything?

It's because I shoved an Altoid
up my ass before I came in here.

Let me see, then.

What?
Let me see.

No, I'm not going
to let you see.

You're not
going to let me see,

because you're
not taking a poop.

I've been flushing as I go.

You're flushing as you go.

Who takes a half-hour
to go to the bathroom?

John Goodman.

Don't press "Enter." I'm not
sure I want to make that move!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

PETE'. Thank you. Wow.

You know, when I
first started this label,

my dream was to work
with musicians and bands

whose music
I just admired so much.

The person that I thought, "My God,
wouldn't it be incredible to work with,"

was Graham Parker.

Tonight, we have him, solo

because we couldn't afford
to fly in The Rumour.

Graham Parker.

(SINGING ROCK SONG)

DEBBIE: it's just not
my kind of music.

PETE: Really? What is
your kind of music?

I like happy music
that you can dance to.

Yeah, but when you
listen to a song

where somebody's singing
about something depressing,

don't you relate to it?
No.

It makes you feel
the same as they...

It makes you feel you're
a part of the human race.

I don't feel like that.

I like Lady Gaga.

Oh, God, of course you do.

What?
Shallow dance music.

It's not. it is fun.

And it's about
release and sex and power.

You don't have to like it. It's
really not for you, that's fine.

This is a job.
This is not a hobby.

Can't you love him,
just as a hobby

and sign a 15-year-old
hot girl so we can eat?

Graham Parker & The Rumour
had two albums

in the Rolling Stone Top 500
Best Albums of All Time.

Two of them.

If I can just sell 10,000 records
to his hardcore fanbase,

we're golden.

(FIRE TRUCK SIREN WAILING)

The last of Graham
Parker's fans just died.

(LAUGHING)

I do know. Hardly. That sort
of music depresses people.

Hi, Charlotte.

Sadie. Sadie,
what are you listening to?

Okay. This is music
that makes people happy.

And this is what people buy.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

What?

Right, girls?

Come on, Sadie.

(SINGING ALONG)

Okay.
(MUSIC STOPS)

Why did you take it off?

Now, something
that really rocks.

(SLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

This is called good music.

From somebody's heart.

This is bumming me out.
This isn't fun.

Just listen to these words, okay?
Just listen to the words.

(SINGER MUMBLING)

I don't understand the words.

This is lyrics.
This is poetry.

This is what is going to
survive in a hundred years.

It just doesn't
make people happy.

Makes me happy.
I can dance to it.

But you're the only one
in the room who's happy.

Sometimes I wish just
one of you had a dick.

Well, we don't want one.

Is there something that you can
do to be helping me right now?

Yeah, I'm ready to help.
Just tell me what to do.

Can you go get
a lunch box or something?

For me or for them?

(SIGHS)

Charlotte!
I've got a test!

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Charlotte, I'm going to kill you!
(SHUSHING)

Hi, Debbie.

Hi. Any day now, huh?

Not really.
Three months, still.

Hi.
Hi.

Katie's dying for a play date.
Let's hook these two up.

That would be great. Okay,
I'll call you. Great.

Okay, great.

No.

No, what?
No.

What?
No.

She's sweet.

She's evil.

Hello. Hi.
Hi.

Listen, Charlotte really
needs to get here on time

because she needs the extra
time to just settle in.

Oh. We are on time.

Being on time
means being early.

Okay.

It's nice to see you in class.
We'd like to see more of you.

I come to...

Hi, Debbie.

Grandma Molly.

How are you? I'm so happy
about the science fair.

Thank you for coming.
It's going very well, I heard.

Yeah. I love you. You
look so beautiful!

(LAUGHS)

Happy birthday. I just
learned that you're 40.

Are you 40?

Yeah.

I remember when I was 40,
and then I blinked,

and there I was,
going to be 90.

My God, where did it go?

One day, you're going to blink
and you're going to be 90.

And I won't be around to see it,
and that makes me very sad.

I'm telling you.
I'm warning you.

Don't blink. Don't blink.
(CHORTLING)

ACCOUNTANT: (ON PHONE) And then
you missed the mortgage payment,

and that's
the second mortgage.

You gotta tighten your belt.
You gotta go home, sit down,

look at your expenses,
come clean with Debbie.

Oh, God.
I can't tell Debbie.

You've got to tell her, Pete.

I mean, she knows it's bad, but
she has no idea just how bad.

If you sell the house, it'll
really buy you some time.

No, Debbie's not really
into selling the house.

As your business manager and your
friend, I can't recommend that.

Hey, how funny would it be
if I bought your house?

Okay. Bye.

Hang in there.

(SINGING ROCK SONG)

MALE ANNOUNCER: From the
retro label, Unfiltered,

comes the first Graham Parker &
The Rumour record in 30 years.

When we play together,
the magic was just ridiculous.

And I think what we've
got is just so great.

What are you doing?

I'm contextualizing him as one of
the great figures in rock history.

You can't show him
in his prime in '77,

and then jump straight
to him as he is now.

It's terrifying.

You have got to reverse it.
You have got to show him

as he is now, very briefly,
and then show him in 1977.

You have got to
Benjamin Button it.

I don't know what you're talking about.
All rock stars are older now.

Steven Tyler, David
Bowie, Mick Jagger...

Paul McCartney.
Okay. Stop it.

Everybody that you are mentioning
looks like an old woman now.

You're just mentioning
a bunch of Jessica Tandys.

Keith Richards
gets away with it.

But that's because Keith Richards
looked 70 when he was 40.

And now that he's 70,
he looks 69.

He's regenerating.

I like it, and I think
Graham Parker's sexy.

Well, would you fuck him?

Yes.
You'd...

You'd fuck him and
you won't fuck me?

I mean, I kind of
fucked you once,

if you could have finished.
Oh. I finished.

Okay, enough of who fucked
who and who finished what.

I finished.

Look, it's a retro label. That's
our niche, that's our market.

It costs money to break new bands.
I can't do that.

Okay, and also, you're the guy
who turned down Arcade Fire.

Everybody turned
down Arcade Fire.

It's crazy.
There's so many of them.

We don't have the money
to market a new band.

We just need to make
Graham seem relevant.

Who's he talking to?

The Jewish Journal.

The Jewish Journal?

Apparently, old Jews are the only ones
who still buy hard copy of records.

Because they don't
like to download music.

Because they don't know
what "downloading" means.

Why is this album different
from any other album?

It isn't.

What is he wearing?

It's a hat with
the Oreo logo on it.

Why? I don't think
he's being ironic.

I think he just
really likes Oreos.

Look, Paul Westerberg
record did okay.

Frank Black record
did all right.

The Haircut One Hundred,
not so much.

We have to break this record.
Otherwise, we're not here next year.

He's coming, he's coming.
Oreo Man is coming.

Hey, guys, how are you?

Good, man.

Aren't cookies the best?
Yeah.

Jewish Journal guy
loves the record.

Great!

Got a bit of a problem, though.
A touch of gout.

Gout?

My whole family,
they all had gout.

Jesus.
That's very unfortunate.

My auntie Queenie,
she had a foot like this.

It's like a size of a small pig.
I've got a photo of it.

I'd love to see that
photo of that gout foot.

And a couple of
bunions as well.

Fuck.

I've got to go
to the podiatrist,

and I hope he can
shoot me up with something.

Yeah, well, let's get
you to the podiatrist.

Bye, Graham.
See you later, Graham.

Good luck with your gout.

Rock and roll, baby.

The happiest period in people's
lives is from age 40 to 60.

So, this is it.
We're in it right now.

It's true.
Says who?

Says a lot of people.
Most people say that. Oh!

We have everything we need right
now to be completely happy.

We're going to blink, and be 90.
What?

So, let's just
choose to be happy.

Yeah. Yeah.

Your eyes are
kind of glazing over.

No, I'm processing it all.

Some of these,
I wrote for you.

So, we have to exercise every day.
Mmm.

Spend more time
alone together.

And we have to go
to the therapist, every week.

It's a little pricey.

No stressing over tiny things.

Yeah, that's good. You should do that.
Mm-hmm.

We have to get more
involved in school.

Yeah. Have more
patience with the kids.

And we need to
work on our anger.

Yeah, I think it would be good if
you could take care of your anger.

No, I said both of us.

That's what I said.
Our anger.

Okay, and no more smoking.

Yeah, you gotta
cut that out.

I don't want to make this about a fight.
I want to just be positive.

Yeah. Sorry.

Okay, and then no more
holding onto resentments.

We have to just let that go.

So, you're saying
that if we're arguing,

and I apologize,
you'll let it go?

And not throw it
back in my face later?

Well, I don't do that,

but I will continue
not to do that.

And what did you write?

All of that. That's plenty.
That's a lot.

And you're going
to eat better?

Oh, yeah. I've been
doing a decent job.

But I don't think
there's anything wrong

with having some
fries every now and again.

And then I'll smoke that day.

That's not the same thing.
It is the same thing.

I like fries.

And the other thing
is your dad's stuff,

the not letting him
guilt-trip you all the time

because that puts a lot of
pressure on you, and stress,

and then the whole family feels it.
(STRUMS INSTRUMENT)

And he is a grown man, and
he's not our responsibility.

And you're not giving him
money anymore, right?

No. No, I haven't
been giving him money.

I haven't done that
for years. I told you.

Can you please put that down?

A lot of people are RSVP-ing
to your birthday party.

You sure you don't want to just
do a joint birthday party?

No.

We always used to.
No.

Did Jodi tell you she
thinks Desi's stealing?

Are you serious?

How much?
$12,000.

Oh, God.

And Desi's taking it?

Well, I don't know.

That's what Jodi said.

We really need
the store to work.

It is.

Don't put that kind
of pressure on me.

No, no. It's not
what I mean. I'm just...

Are you nervous
about money?

Are we okay?

Yeah.
All right.

Maybe we just suck it up
because she's clearly

earning so much more than
any other employee we have.

Oh, yeah, for sure.
We can't fire her.

We're barely
breaking even with her.

That's why we
have to keep her.

Look at this. She's
making out with somebody.

(GASPS)

Is she screwing him?

PETE: That might be
like a dry hump.

DEBBIE: Look at the position
of her skirt.

That's too grainy
to know for sure.

(GASPING)

Oh, my God. This is in the middle of the day.
Customers could be in there.

At least
she's getting some.

What did you say?
"At least she's getting some"?

(LAUGHING) Yes.

What are you talking about?
We had sex the other night.

You gotta give me
a little credit for that.

It's not about credit.
It's about...

We need to have
more passion.

Like this.

That's not passionate.

It looks
passionate to me.

What?

(PARTS)

What is she doing? (FARTS) Okay.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my gosh.

Don't do that.
What am I doing?

Don't fart in the bed.

I'm not. It's the springs.

This is why
we never have sex.

That's disgusting,
you're gross.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

(FARTS CONTINUOUSLY)
You're so...

God!

(SINGING) Sadie, Sadie,
Sadie, Sadie, Sadie

Charlotte,
I'm doing my homework.

Okay, watch this.
Watch this.

There's a haunted cow
back here.

I'm pretty sure
it does not have milk.

(YELLS)

Moo.

Moo!

See that?
They took me away.

You're no fun.
You never want to play.

Charlotte, how many times
do I have to tell you?

(SINGING) Sadie, Sadie, Sadie

Sadie is boring

(IMITATES PLAYING THE GUITAR)

You're so mean since
your body got weird.

Close the door.

You're no fun.

If you can just move
just a little bit more.

(GRUNTS)
Oh, shit.

Ah!

Ow. Ow.

No, my boob is in there!

Did I tell you that my
son's going to Stanford?

No, that's great. Great for
us, and great for him.

Cough again.
Great school.

(COUGHS)

Everything looks good.

Your face is close
to my face.

Descending colon.

I'm about four
feet in right now.

That's what he said.
(LAUGHS)

Just try to breathe
through your nose.

That's your mouth.
Breathe through your nose.

(GAGS)
Are you all right?

(GAGS LOUDLY)

Are you a grinder?
Do you grind your teeth?

I grind all night.

(IMITATES GRINDING TEETH)
Oh!

(LAUGHS)

I think we need to
turn the gas down.

Turn it up!

No, we're going to
turn it down.

Turn it up!

(LAUGHING)

(WINCES) Ooh!

Do you have to breathe
right on my neck?

Sorry.

What are you all
doing for Christmas?

Um, I don't know.

You have a tree and everything?
Mm-hmm.

Isn't that fun?
In the spirit?

Sorry, I just had
one quick question.

On your form, you said
you were born in 1974,

but your paper, it said '72. So I
just need to know which it is.

It's 1974.

Oh, wait.
Because on your last form,

you said that you
were born in 1975.

Didn't you tell me
you were born in 1976?

No. (LAUGHS)
That's funny.

So, you want to
go with 1974?

I'm not gonna "go with" 1974.
It is 1974. (LAUGHS)

Okay.

Just remember to write
"1974" every time.

It's okay. It's 1976.

I lie about my age, okay?

Okay.
Okay? Okay? Okay?

Okay-
Okay-

You're tightening up.

Oh, my gosh.

I know how old you are by
counting the rings. (CHUCKLES)

A little gyno joke.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God. Please.

What are you doing?

Getting ready to
go for my ride.

You want a blow job?

Yeah. Why?

I really want a cigarette right now.
(CHUCKLES)

Wow, happy to help.

Charlotte,
where is my backpack?

CHARLOTTE: Hello?

Mom's busy!

Why are you
locking the door?

Mom, what's going on
in there?

Mom, I can't be late
for school. I have a test.

PETE: Mommy can't talk
right now!

SADIE: This isn't funny, Mom.
I need to go!

Mom, let me in!
Please!

That's not gonna help!

PETE: Put on your shoes.
We'll meet you in the car.

Ow. Sadie hurt me!
I didn't!

So, hit her back!

She's faking.

I'm not!
PETE: Go downstairs!

Please! Sadie gave me a...

Stop crying!
Stop crying!

Stop it!
God damn it!

PETE: Quit killing each other!
Mom, please come out.

Shut up!
Stop it!

Open the door!
PETE: Go away!

Open it up!
Please!

Forget it.

No, don't forget it, don't forget it.
Don't, don't...

(CHARLOTTE WAILING)
Oh, God.

Hey, boychik!

Hey!

(AIRPLANE APPROACHING)

It's the 11:00
from London.

Drop something valuable,
you shit!

How you doing?
How are you, bubeleh?

That's loud.
Every eight minutes, buddy.

You look pretty good.
Your hair is different.

Yeah, I'm growing it out.

I'd get it cut.

Daddy, you never
play with me.

I do, but right now,
look who I'm talking to.

Hi.
It's your brother!

Hi. You don't look
like my brother.

I told you, honey, that's
because of the egg donor.

Remember?
I came from a test tube!

(GIGGLES)
(FORCED CHUCKLE)

How's business?
It's not good.

Nobody wants curtains.

They think of it like a luxury.
It's not a luxury.

You need shade.
You need privacy.

Who wants to have
other people watch you fuck?

(BOY GIGGLES)
I know how you feel.

My business is going through
some growing pains right now.

Daddy!
Daddy!

Don't jump on Daddy. Be
careful, don't jump on Daddy!

Remember,
Daddy has high blood what?

(GIGGLES)
High blood pressure.

That's right.
My daddy's old.

Can you go outside
without me for a little bit?

Yeah. Don't go near
that little pool!

All right? We're going
to pee in the pool.

Do The Three Stooges routine
you were practicing.

I can't tell them apart.

I swear to God,
I need tattoos.

Look, I wanted to
talk to you about

scaling back a little bit.

You know, Deb and I are... We're
thinking about selling the house.

I think that house
is more than you need.

I think it was too big of a
purchase when you made it.

Yeah. In the meantime, I'm going
to have to make some changes.

I'm going to
have to cut back.

I understand.
What do you mean?

With you.
Oh.

I'm sorry. What?

I can't lend you
any more money.

No, that's a bad idea. That's
not the way to cut back.

I have three children here.

What about Claire?
Can't she get a job?

Claire takes care
of your brothers!

What do you want
her to do?

If she goes to work,
then I gotta hire somebody!

Well, you've got to
figure something out

because I can't do it.
I can't do it.

Okay, fine.
Why don't we kill them?

Come on,
we'll kill two of them.

I'll keep the best one.

Really, it'll save us
both a lot of trouble.

Come on.
Line up!

Line up for murder! Come on!

Who wants to be killed?
I do!

Okay, we're eliminating one already.
We're cheaper. You're gone.

BOY: Murder me.
Okay. Boom. Dead!

I'm dead!
You're dead! You're dead!

Kill me, kill me! All right,
the kids are murdered.

That will save us some money.
Daddy is the best!

Why would you have
three kids, anyway?

I mean, you're 60 years old.
You have no money.

Because Claire wanted a baby.

If we didn't at least try,
she would have left me.

She was 45 years old.
Nobody thought it would take.

The doctor, when we're doing in
vitro, is winking at me like...

"Don't worry, don't worry."

We were very unlucky.

And now, we have these
three beautiful children.

Come on. I gotta
tell you something.

What?

Your mother
wanted you aborted.

Oh. Jesus Christ.

No, no. It's the truth.

You know, it was the '70s.
We were 22 years old.

That's what everybody did. You did
some blow, had sex, had an abortion.

Really?
Yes.

We were on the way to
the doctor's office.

I said, "Let's stop,
have a pizza, talk about it.

"If you still wanna do it
after lunch, it's okay."

The pizza saved your life.

But don't give me money,
because I'm not worth it.

So, how much do I owe
you for saving my life?

I don't have a number. You just
keep giving like you're giving.

Hey. Oh, hi, Pete.

Hey-
Hey-

Why aren't you
playing with the kids?

We were playing
all day with them.

Pete is just talking to me
about his 40th birthday party.

Whatever I can do to help.

Okay. Did you feed them?

I fed half of one.

Half of...

Let's go, we'll feed them.
Mommy will feed them.

(AIRPLANE FLYING OVERHEAD)

Who wants tuna with
a side of jet fuel?

Hi, I'm looking for my dad.
I mean, an older man.

So, how's Sony treating Pete?

He's not with Sony anymore.
He went out on his own.

Now he's able to
focus on the artists

that he's really
passionate about.

Hmm.

How's Sadie doing?

The last time I saw her, she was
throwing her Cheerios on the floor.

(CHUCKLES) What a mess.

Right.

She just got her period.

Well, I guess she's not
a little baby anymore.

It would be nice to
see more of each other.

Well, we can certainly arrange for that.
I'd love to see the girls.

That would be nice.
Mm-hmm. It would.

Do you have a day that is better...
A good day?

I would say the weekends,
but our weekends are hell.

Soccer competitions,
kids' exams.

Right, right.
I mean, we're both so busy.

I have young children,
you have young children.

I don't think we should judge
ourselves too harshly about that.

I know, I wasn't...
I didn't say anything.

No, I'm glad we're here.
I think this is a good start.

And then, we can spend more
time together, it'd be nice.

It'd be nice.

Do you want to see
pictures of the kids?

Oh. Yeah.

This is Kel, my son.

He's handsome. He's 13?
Mm-hmm.

And that's Alexandra, my daughter.
She's a real perfectionist.

A lot like you.

That's the whole gang at Cabo.

Excuse me, dear,
I gotta go to the restroom.

Be right back.
Okay.

Daddy and I are
making some changes

so that we can be
happier and healthier.

And we're starting with
this meal that I prepared.

I think it looks great.
Doesn't it look good?

What is that,
grilled cheeses?

No, baked tofu.
Oh.

It's actually really tasty.

And the lettuce is
so fresh and tasty

that you forget how good
lettuce tastes on its own,

without dressing.

No, dressing always gets in the way
of the natural taste of the lettuce.

And another
thing we've decided

is to cut back on
all of the electronics we use.

Basically, what we're going to
do, is get rid of the Wi-Fi

and only use the computer...

What? ...from 8:00
to 8:30 at night.

How are we gonna
go on the computer?

We're gonna have
a hard line in the kitchen.

Yeah. We'll supervise that.

You can't do this. You
can't take away the Wi-Fi.

No Wi-Fi!
A-ha-ha.

You don't spend
enough time with the family

when you're constantly on your
iPhone and your computer.

And, you know, you're only
here for five more years.

So, you won't see
me after five years?

No, but you won't
be living with us.

And you should get to
know your little sister.

PETE: You've got the perfect
friend, right here.

I don't wanna be
friends with her now.

I'll be friends with her when
she's 20 and a normal person.

I don't wanna hang out
with her when I'm in my 20s.

You're on the computer
too much as it is.

You need to get outside more,
do some playing outside.

Yeah, you could build things.
You could build a fort outside.

What?
Yeah, build a fort.

Play with your
friends and have...

Make a fort? Outside?

And do what?

Do what in the fort?

When I was a kid, we used to build
tree houses and play with sticks.

Nobody plays with sticks.

You and Charlotte can
have a lemonade stand.

Play kick the can.

Look for dead bodies.

It's fun. That's fun to do.

Get a tire and then just take a stick
and run down a street with it.

Nobody does that crap.
It's 2012.

You don't need technology.

No technology!

Charlotte, put that down.

I don't need to be monitored
all the time on the computer.

I don't do anything bad.

Nobody said you were bad.

I don't do things
I'm not supposed to.

I don't illegally
download music.

I don't look at
porn like Wendy.

She is up to no good. She's not
allowed to come over here anymore.

What's porn?

No, she said "corn."

This isn't turning out
the way I wanted it to.

I'm not hungry.

No computer.
Listen to your mom.

I need to use it
for my homework.

(SADIE SLAMS DOOR)

She's outplaying us.

I know. She's tough.

DEBBIE: This is the best
birthday present.

PETE: It's good to get away.

We haven't been to Laguna
without the kids in years.

I know. If we're
happy, they're happy.

Yeah, I mean,
I can't take it.

With the hormones,
and the crying.

Jesus.
And "do my homework."

Them's lil' bitches.

Them's lil' bitches. Bugging
us for shit all the time.

And they never
appreciate anything.

No! God, no.
They're selfish assholes.

(LAUGHING)

Aw, I feel bad.
I love them.

I know.

DEBBIE: I miss them already.
Should we go home?

PETE: Nah.

Why do we fight?

I don't know,
it makes no sense.

It makes no sense.

When we get in a fight,

look at my eyes and let's
remember this moment, right now,

and know that we
never have to fight.

But you're such
a dick sometimes.

I know, lam a dick sometimes.

People think I'm so nice,
but I'm such a dick.

Thank you for admitting that.

And you get so mad at me, I
feel like you want to kill me.

I do want to kill you.

How would you do it?

I don't know. I'd poison you.

I'd poison your cupcakes that you
pretend not to eat every day.

And just put enough in
to just slowly weaken you.

I love it.

I would enjoy our last few
months together. Me too.

Because you'd be
so weak and sweet.

And I could
take care of you...

But while killing you.

See, you know
what I love about us?

You can still surprise me.

I figured, for sure, you'd knock me
out with one fell swoop of poison.

But you would extend it
over a series of months.

(LAUGHS)

Have you ever
thought about killing me?

Oh, yeah.
Really?

Sure.

How would you do it?
Wood chipper.

A wood chipper?
Yeah.

A wood chipper.

Yeah.

Wow.

I know. Did you see Fargo?

Yeah.

(WHOOSHES)

Ugh.

That's a bad plan. The
cupcakes is a way better plan.

It is. You're right.

You know what?
I won't murder you.

Aw!

I love you.

I love you, too.

Do you know what I brought?
What?

A medical marijuana cookie. Ben
gave it to me last Christmas.

What?

Yeah. I brought it.
You did?

Chocolate chip kooky.

Should we do it?

Let's eat the cookie and then we'll
order a bunch of cheeseburgers.

Let's order the entire
room service menu.

Just get all of it. You
deserve it, you really do.

Wouldn't you
rather have me around

for less years and I'm incredibly
happy, than longer and miserable?

Yes, and I just
realized that right now.

Go get the cookie.
I'm getting the cookie.

Go get the cookie.

Ow!

Should we watch porn
when we eat the cookie?

Yeah. Should we
get a block of porn?

I don't think we
need 24 hours of porn.

But you know, two porns costs just
about as much as a 24-hour block.

I think that's
too much porn.

We don't have to watch it all, but
for the value, it makes sense.

How much are we
supposed to eat?

I don't know. I think six
or seven cookies, right?

Plus, it's old, it probably
has lost some of its...

Potency.

We should have sex more.

I mean,
girls have it so easy.

You just show up with your sexual
organs and you're good to go.

All the pressure
is on the guy.

It's true.

And I look at guys... Like, I
look at a guy like Prince,

and you know that guy fucks.

Yeah.

I know I don't fuck like Prince.
Uh-uh.

Prince can fuck.
Uh-huh.

I fuck like David Schwimmer.

(BOTH LAUGH)

You do.

You know, I fuck
like Ross from Friends.

Mmm.

Looks good.

How does he do it?

The floating spoon.

Check it out.
It's my dick and balls.

Oh, my God.
I don't eat my own dick.

I ate my dick!

Kelly, I think
this room has rodents.

There! Just saw it.

Have you seen my starfish?

Where did I put my starfish?

My God.

I'm gonna deep
throat this éclair.

I wanna make out
with you so bad.

I felt like
I was gonna choke!

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

That was nice.

That was nice.

Mom, Charlotte's crying

because she's got
an ear infection again.

JODI: I didn't know
what to do.

We're home.

Are you okay?
(CHARLOTTE CRYING)

What's the matter?

I wanna rip my ear off,
it hurts so much.

I told you that pediatrician didn't
know what he was talking about.

Come on, you can't
blame it on our doctor.

Ear infections are
common in little kids.

Not in kids
over six years old.

We're going to
the Eastern doctor.

If she's in this much pain, then
we should call a real doctor.

Are you kidding
right now?

(CHARLOTTE SOBBING)

I know. Okay. Yup.

What we should do
is easy and simple.

No more dairy, no more
wheat, no more sugar.

Sugar, wheat and dairy.
Okay. Yeah.

What the fuck is left?

Sorry.

Isn't everything sugar,
wheat, and dairy?

She can have
vegetables and fruits.

(IMITATES DOCTOR)
Oh, but she can eat fruits.

Fruits. Yeah.

Any kind of fruit?

Mangos, pineapple-

It isn't,
there are safe fruits

and then there are unsafe fruits?
No, no.

What about French fries?

Could we do something like that?
Are you okay?

Would you like to come on the table?
I'm okay, I'm...

Why don't you go
on the table?

PETE: I don't wanna go
on the table.

No. It looks like you
need to get on the table.

I don't wanna
get on the table.

Pete!

(CAMERA CLICKING)

PETE: God damn it.

What are you doing?

I need you to look at
something. In my butt.

(CONTINUES CLICKING)

Why?

I think I got
something in there,

and I'm not
limber enough to see.

I need you to look
at it, all right?

I think I might have an anal fissure, or
a hemorrhoid, or a worm or something.

What are you
doing with your phone?

I'm trying to take pictures of it so I
can compare it to something on Google.

Can we just keep
just a small shred of mystery

in our relationship, please?

Look, I saw you
have two babies, okay?

Seriously, I need you
to get up all in that.

I do not want to
investigate your anus.

Payback time.

(SIGHS)

It's a hemorrhoid.

Thank you.

Now, erase that
from your memory.

Where'd she get those clothes?
Those are expensive clothes.

Think. Where do you think?

I don't want
this to sound harsh,

but everything that comes out
of her mouth is a lie.

Everything that
goes into it is a dick.

Everything that
goes in is dicks?

A dick.

Don't say that.

I'm sorry. I'm just being
protective of the store.

I'm going to go
talk to her.

Hey, Desi.

Hi.
Hi.

Is that your new
Acura out front?

Uh,yeah.

It's so nice.

Do you love it?

I mean, it's not a fucking
Porsche, but it'll do for now.

Huh.

Hey, Desi,
would you mind wearing

some of the clothes that
we have in the store?

Yes. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Will that be okay?
Yeah.

Perfect.

Good?

You know, I actually
made this one myself.

Did you?
Yeah.

The tiger, I did it on a piece
of paper separately,

and then I actually
transferred it to the T-shirt.

Wow.

So, you stenciled
on the tiger?

I drew it on
a piece of paper and then

I transferred
the drawing to the T-shirt.

You have an amazing body.

Really?

Yes. Are those real?

My boobs?
Yeah.

Yeah. Do you wanna
touch them?

Really?

Touch them.

Okay.

Wow.

Huh.

Jesus.

I mean, they really are amazing.
That's firm, for real.

They're like
a memory mattress.

It's, wow, like
Tempur-Pedic, you know?

They look amazing.

My kids just sucked
the meat right out of mine.

No.
Yeah.

There's some meat in there.

My boobs are just gone. Since I
had kids, my boobs are just gone.

They didn't even say goodbye, you know?
They just left.

By the time I'm 40, these are gonna
go National Geographic on me.

I feel bad about
myself right now.

REALTOR: I think this is a
really good offer on the house.

We expected more.

I know it's a bad market,

but that's still way under
what we were looking for.

I know, but based on what the market's
like, it's like you're gaining money,

because it's so much
more than what you deserve.

But these people are from Iran

and they don't really know that
they're offering too much.

ls there any chance
that Debbie will go for it?

I doubt it.
I mean, I don't know.

There's a lot of
inventory out there.

I mean, what is her problem?

She has
unrealistic expectations.

I'm faster than you!

We're Jewish!

Hey! Did you miss me, Travis?

It's Jack.

Hey, Jack.

JACK: My daddy doesn't know my name!
(CHUCKLES)

LARRY: Okay, come on,
let's go.

Can I go show them my
crystals before they leave?

DEBBIE: Yeah, really quick.

It's all right with me.
Elevator down!

Okay. Go play with
your tiny uncles.

JACK: Let's play murder!
TRAVIS: Yeah. Let's go.

So, what are you doing?
Spring cleaning?

I'm getting rid of everything in the
house that has gluten or sugar.

Why? What's wrong
with gluten?

Gluten's really bad for you.

I don't think so.
It's wheat.

Don't you watch Dr. Oz?

As in, "The Wizard of"?

Hey, Mom, we were wondering if we
can use the computer to iChat?

Remember the rules?
8:00 to 8:30.

Yeah, but I have
a friend over.

Hi, Wendy. Yeah, I know.

Why don't you guys go play?
You could go build a fort!

LARRY:
Hey, remember the Alamo?

Have you ever
built a fort, Wendy?

Like, on Facebook?

I will take this if you're
gonna throw it away,

because at our house,
we're wheat-eaters.

But don't you want to live long
enough to see your kids grow up?

That's up to God, honey.

No, but that's really
not good for the kids.

Eh, the kids eat grass,
this is fine.

Wendy's mom lets her go on
whenever she wants.

Yeah, my mom's
pretty cool about it

as long as
I finish my homework.

Yeah.

Well, I guess
I'm not the cool one,

but the rules are just
different in our house.

Well, I get better
grades than Wendy.

She does. She's so smart.

Let me just grab
the candy worms.

See, your rules
are ridiculous.

Don't sass me.

I'm only sassing you because you're
throwing out all the food in our house

and I'm freaking starving.

You're being stupid.

Wendy, could you go stand
in the other room, please?

Yeah.
Mom.

Give me your iPhone, now.

The nougat things are good.

I have all my
contacts in there.

Okay, if you don't give me
your phone right now,

then I'm gonna have to take away
your phone and your computer.

Jesus Christ, I need
my computer to do homework.

That's it.
No phone, no computer.

This is B.S.

This is a bunch of F-ing S.
You're acting like a B.

Kids! Time to go!

You go to your room,
right now.

You are not allowed to use

iPhone, iPad,
iPod Touch, iTunes, Netflix,

Pandora, or Spotify.

She's a little pip,
just like her mommy.

So, I might have
a job tomorrow.

At least, I'm gonna go
try to give an estimate.

Do you mind taking the kids
for a couple of hours?

Um...

Okay.

This is nice.

You and I don't spend
enough time together, do we?

We spend enough time together.

We do?

It's quality time.

Then we do.

I'll go with what you think.

DEBBIE:
What else did they say?

All right,
some kid named Joseph...

I know Joseph.
You do?

He's making
a "hot-or-not" list.

What?

Sadie said, "That's so lame and
immature that you're doing that."

And then Joseph says, "Yo, girl,
we're just having some fun.

"So don't be a bitch, yo."

That is not nice.

So then Sadie said,
"Don't call me a bitch."

And Joseph said,
"I didn't call you a bitch.

"I said don't
act like a bitch.

"And by the way, you're
in the 'Not-Hot' column."

Who made him
the judge of "hot"?

Do you realize what that
could do to her self-esteem?

What a little fuckhead.
I'll kill him.

Then Sadie said, "You're
in the jackass column.

"I gotta go,
I'm bored of you."

That is cool.
That's taking the high road.

And then,
for some reason,

there's an emoticon
of a panda doing push-ups.

I wonder what that means.

I don't think it means anything.
I think it's just adorable.

Aww.

Well, she's a good girl.

She was polite and she
stood up for herself.

That's pretty cool.
(GASPS)

What?

Shit.
What?

I thought she was coming in.

Oh, my God,
that scared me to death.

If she caught us,
she would kill us.

She would.
She would kill us.

Huh.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

I gotta make a call.

We sold how many?

RONNIE: 612 album downloads.

Wait a minute. There
are no zeroes after that?

There are zeroes, but all
of them are before 612.

There are none after.

How is that even possible?

Well, out of
300 million Americans,

612 people chose
to download the album.

You could personally call
everyone who bought this record.

We're fucked, we're fucked.

Here's the deal, I want you to
meet me tomorrow morning at 8:00.

I want a list of at least 30 ideas
of what we can do to change this.

We have to change this.

I started a record label
because I couldn't get a job,

so I have no other options.
(PHONE BEEPS)

(SHOW TUNE PLAYING
LOUDLY ON RADIO)

(SINGING ALONG)

What financial problems?

Well, I mean, for one thing,
you were right.

You are missing about
$10,000 from the store.

And then, Pete's
record not selling well.

Pete's record
not selling...

I thought we weren't supposed
to hear for three weeks.

We heard.
You heard?

And they're bad.

It's that and it's the money that
he's been lending his father.

That's creating a strain.

How much have we lent him?

Eighty thousand.

Did you say 8,000 or 80,000?

80,000, over
the past couple of years.

And then you missed
the mortgage payment.

On the house?

And you missed
the rental on the office.

Does Pete know that?

Yeah, we're on
the phone all the time.

Look, I know you're
going through a hard time.

And I want you guys to know
that we're here for you, okay?

Anything you guys need,
that's why we're here.

We're here for
times like this.

What are you gonna do?

There's not much I can do.

What are you doing?

I'm drawing the album cover
for Van Halen's Diver Down.

If you spent a little bit more
time focusing on Graham Parker

instead of
drawing album covers,

I wouldn't be in
this predicament.

I'm focused on
Graham Parker.

You're supposed to
help me with him.

You're supposed to
call the companies.

You're supposed to
get people to the show.

I've done
everything I can, Pete.

You had me
pushing around a corpse.

It was like being in fucking
Weekend at Graham's.

What should we do?
I'm out of ideas.

You fly in The Rumour.

I can't sell a reunion concert
without the band, it's ridiculous.

With what?
I can't afford it.

You put this on yourself.
You wanted the responsibility.

Take it on the fucking chin,
and stop acting like a bitch.

What did you call me?

Chin.

Pete. Wait, Pete!

Hey, I have an apartment.

I have health insurance,
I have car payments.

I have responsibilities.

You have responsibilities? Don't
talk to me about responsibilities.

I have a life.
I have a family.

I can't afford to sit in my apartment
getting high, jerking off,

and then going to Tommy's Chili
Burgers at 3:00 in the morning.

That's not even the order
that that happens in!

I have everything to lose, here.
Everything.

Yes, because you spent thousands
of dollars on shit we don't need.

You really need to spend $30,000
on a fucking neon sign, dude?

Which is inside, it's not even outside.
We know where we work.

If you want to sign a band, you gotta
look like you're the real deal.

Princess Labia, how much is it
to fucking fly The Rumour in?

It's 12,000.

$12,000!

All right,
you know what? Fine.

Fly in The Rumour.
Put it on my AmEx.

No, you said
it was impossible.

I don't think
I said "impossible."

Yeah.

I usually don't
say "impossible."

I like to leave
some wiggle room.

You said that my fibroid
was like a giant boulder,

like the one from
the Indiana Jones movies

blocking up my uterus.
Uterus.

And I need to stop using that
reference of Indiana Jones.

I think that that's not appropriate when
talking about the reproductive system.

It's okay.

Anyway, somehow the
Eastern medicine has worked,

and the fibroid
has dissipated.

That's great!
Yes.

Wow.
Yes.

Your fibroid
shrunk and somehow

it allowed you
to get pregnant.

What?

You're gonna have
your third baby.

Congratulations.

No.

Yes.

Would you like some water?

That's good news.

Another baby.

At 40.

Debbie?

I am thrilled.

And Pete is gonna be so happy.

So, you're okay?

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

What a relief.

Because I can finally
relax now, you know?

It's been, like...

(SIGHS)

It's okay.

I'm so happy,
though, you know?

I really am,
because, I mean...

It's good.

Great. Great.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

Hey- Hey'

Why are you in a bathrobe? It's
the middle of the afternoon.

I took a late shower.
Why are you busting my balls?

I'm sorry about the record.

You're going through financial shit.
This is what I live with.

This is a horrible time in human history.
What is that?

It's something that might
help both of our situations.

This is
a drawing by John Lennon.

I got it 10 years ago
for $5,000.

I don't know how
much it's worth now.

It could be five,
it could be 20.

I don't want this.

I don't even like it.
I'm not gonna hang it up.

It's not for you to hang up.
It's for you to sell.

That way, I can give it to you
and you make some money,

and Debbie won't know
that I'm giving you anything.

You're not giving me money.
You're giving me a project.

I don't know how to sell this.
I'm not an art dealer.

(STAMMERS) I don't know.
Sell it online.

You know, do some research,
make some calls.

Or is that too hard to do
with your high blood pressure?

All right.
Don't get snippy.

Just because you write a great
song doesn't mean you can draw.

It's incredible.
John Lennon drew it.

I think it's a Ringo.

Don't beat me up if
I get $300 for it.

Don't take anything
less than $6,500 for that.

It's very valuable.
It's important to me.

I want you to sell
it so I can help you.

Okay.

All right.
I'll see you at my party.

What should I bring?
You want wine or something?

No, don't buy wine with my money
and give it to me at my party.

That's mean.

I love you. Bye.
All right.

How do I call eBay?

I mean, he called me a bitch.
What am I supposed to say?

But I think maybe that
might mean he likes me.

I don't know. It's making me really...
It's really awkward.

I think he might like you.

She's so cute.
She's so tall.

I know.

How did that happen?

Do you ever wish we
had a bigger family?

(CLICKS TONGUE) No.
Never for a second.

Never.

Never?
Never.

I love what we have.

One? A breeze.

Two? Brutal.

Three?
Put a bullet in my head.

Ugh.

You know, I think about that
gray-haired pregnant lady from school,

and I just feel bad for her.

And I feel bad
for the kid.

Can you imagine?

All the other little kids,
"Where's your mommy?"

"Oh, she's the one sitting in that
scooter, eating a soft cracker."

Kids don't want to
have old parents.

You know what? It would also be nice
for us to spend some time apart.

Kind of rediscover who
we are, individually.

It'd be so great to not
see you for a chunk of time,

so that I could
really just miss you.

Remember when we
used to miss each other?

Hey! Hey, you.

Yeah, what's up?

Hey, I'm Sadie's mom.

Sadie?

Sadie, the one you
chat with on the Internet.

No, man. That ain't me.

Well, it was you.
I saw your picture.

Did you make a hot list? And
not put Sadie on the hot list?

She was not on my list, no.

You know
what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna make
my own hot list.

And you know what?
You're on the not-hot list.

How does that feel?

It doesn't bother me. I'm
comfortable with the way I am.

Maybe you shouldn't be
so comfortable with yourself.

You know why?

You look like
a miniature Tom Petty.

How's that feel?

You think that
haircut's cool? It's not.

It looks like you put your
Justin Bieber wig on backwards.

Are you still
comfortable with yourself?

Why are you wearing
a tank top? Huh?

So you can show off your little bald
pits, you little hairless wonder?

Cool tank top,
man. Huh?

So next time you think about
writing something nasty

on my daughter's Facebook
page, just remember me.

Remember me.

I will come down here,
and I will fuck you up.

(SOBS) Okay, I'm sorry.

Wait a minute.
Hey,hey,hey!

Wait. You're not...
Are you crying?

Just let me go.

Oh, my...

I'm sorry.
Okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm not in my right head.

I understand. My mom's going
through menopause, too.

It's a hard time.

What'd you say?

Are you going
through menopause?

I'm not going
through menopause.

I'm not gonna go through
menopause for like 20 years.

I'm pregnant,
you little bitch.

God damn it!

God damn it!

I'm going out with Desi to find
out if she's stealing from us.

I've got the Graham Parker concert.
Who's gonna watch the kids?

I don't know.
Figure it out.

DEBBIE:
I kind of just wanted to talk.

I thought maybe we could go
to a coffeehouse or something.

You want coffee?
This place has coffee.

They have
all kinds of drinks.

Um...

But someplace
quiet, maybe.

This place
can be quiet.

There's a spot in the back.
It's pretty quiet.

What sport
do you guys play?

We play hockey.

Oh, I like hockey.

Play for?

We play for
the Philadelphia Flyers.

So, you guys are
all from Philadelphia?

ALL: No.

Actually, none of us are.

Do you guys still
have all of your teeth?

Well, I got all my teeth
except these ones. (GASPS)

Do you want to
try them on?

Yeah, I'll do it.
Go for it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Do I look sexy?

ALL: Yeah!

Do you want to
make out with me?

Oh, yeah.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Wow.

They definitely look way better
on her than they do on you.

Here we go.

Thank you.

So, should we go
to the quiet area?

No,no,no.

Where are you going?

We kind of have to have a little
business meeting tonight.

Business meeting?

Girls, you gotta celebrate because
we won tonight. Let's go.

I want to party with these winners.
Come on, Deb.

Just come to the stage
and dance with us.

Yeah.
Okay.

Yeah!

Okay, let's fucking dance!

Yeah!

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

PETE: Don't be shy, feel free to come
down and fill up these empty seats.

Thank you so much for coming.
This is so exciting!

(CROWD CHEERING)

For the first time
in over 30 years,

Graham Parker & The Rumour.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(SINGING ROCK SONG)

Where are his fans?
I mean, where are they?

It's hard to watch a band when you
know all of them remember D-Day.

What was
the press turnout like?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh. You're serious?

Nobody came. Nobody.

Nobody is here?

The guy from
Green Day is here.

Yeah, Billie Joe,
I emailed him. He's a fan.

You gotta get a photo
of the two of them.

No, he says he doesn't
want to do any press.

He's just watching the show.

Oh, how punk-rock of him.
"I don't like photographs."

Grow up, Green Day!

Shut the fuck up, Tom Selleck!

It's so good you did this.

Pete, I wanted to let you know that I
got offered a job at Sony Records,

and I think I'm gonna take it.

I used to work for Sony.

No, I know.
They love you there.

Who did you interview with?
John Cleary.

I hired John Cleary.
He hired me.

What do you know?

He only had lovely things
to say about you.

No, he's a dick,
and he's gonna fuck you too.

Not if I do
a really good job.

Really? I signed Pearl Jam.

(DANCE SONG PLAYING)

You don't have, like...

I wouldn't call them
classically good dance moves,

but you left it
all out there.

You're a blast
to dance with.

Thank you.

We're having a little shindig
at the hotel after this.

You should come by
and hang out at the hotel.

You want me to
come to the hotel?

Yes, I want you to come

by the hotel with me.

Well, what would we
do there?

Maybe we can find somewhere quiet and
have fun and kind of see where it goes.

Do it like adults
do sometimes and...

Like, sex?

I mean, if you want.

If that's on the docket, but
I'm not trying to force that.

So, you would
do sex with me?

"Do sex"?

What are you, Borat?

Are you hitting on me?

Yes, yes,
I'm hitting on you.

You're hot and cool and nice
and you have beautiful eyes.

I'm sorry.

I'm married, I have two
kids and I'm pregnant.

That is what we call
the hat-trick. Wow.

I'm sorry
I didn't tell you.

I was just really enjoying
you being so nice to me.

I hope this doesn't
come off as super-cheesy,

but I think you're
a very rare find.

Thank you.

And I would totally
"do sex" with you.

(LAUGHS)

PETE: That was
spectacular, guys.

Really well done. Amazing.

Thank you.
Good, good.

Hey, Graham.

Pete. How are you, man?

Well, the first numbers
came in.

Yeah, right, yeah.

Happy? How's it looking?

About half of
your last record.

Ah. So, you were
expecting it to sell?

They never sell anymore. They
used to sell, but now they don't.

I'm not a sexy
16-year-old girl.

But I wanted to sell it.
It's such a good record.

I feel like I let you down.

No, I'm gonna be fine, man.
My overheads are so low.

I just got a song in Glee.

The guy in the wheelchair is gonna
sing it to the Asian girl, I believe.

I don't know, I've never seen the
show, but that's what I'm told.

The secret is, make sure
you have a small nut.

That's the key to life.

Graham, I don't have
small nuts, all right?

I have big nuts and I
need to provide for them.

Graham!
Hey, what's up?

Billie!

Graham,
how are you doing, man?

Great fucking show, man.
Good to see you.

Thank you.
Fuck.

Yeah, I'm inspired.

I want to write
a fucking song right now.

Inspired.
Yeah.

That inspires me.

Let's go get a drink.
Let's get a drink.

All right. You coming?

No, no, I'm fine.
You guys go.

Congratulations on Glee.

(CHUCKLES) Oh!
Yes, thank you.

All right.
See you, Pete.

All right. So long, guys.
Later.

GRAHAM: Yeah, yeah.

You got a song on Glee?
Yeah.

That's killer, man.
That's so much money.

It's great.
It's good for all of us.

DEBBIE: Why did you put that
guy's teeth in your mouth?

(LAUGHS)

That's so gross.
(SNORTS)

(MUFFLED) I was drunk.
He was dirty.

No, he was wearing a tie.

That's true.
He wasn't dirty.

When I kissed him, I felt his little
tiny teeth nubs with my tongue.

You did?
Yeah.

It was like kissing a baby.

French-kissing a baby.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Can I ask you something stupid?
Uh-huh.

Do you know why we're
missing money at the store?

Are you guys missing money?

Yeah. Like, $12,000.

Do you think
that I took it?

No. I mean...
Well, no.

I did and I don't now.

It's not me.

Why do you live in such a nice
apartment and have such a fancy car?

Yes, you're right.
Um... Look...

(SIGHS)

lam an escort.

I get paid
to go out on dates.

You...

Oh.

But only three to
five times a year.

Ten times, max.

But it's not technically prostitution,
because I don't have to sleep with them.

Oh, well, that's good.

But I always do.

That's why I only do it
four to eight times a year.

Fifteen times, max.

Huh.

One year, I did it 20.

Well, as long as
you think it's safe.

It's safe.

I only do it 10
to 30 times a year.

So, who do you
think is stealing money?

It's fucking Jodi.

No.
Yeah.

She's a pilled-out whore.

Huh.

Since you told me,
I want to tell you something.

You're pregnant.

How'd you know?

Wow.

Maybe you should tell Pete.

You didn't tell Pete yet?

I haven't told Pete.

Why?
I don't know why.

I just want him to want me.

I don't want him to want me
because I'm pregnant.

Go home and
fucking suck his dick

and tell him then,
and he will love it.

You think?
He'll be so excited.

Or even better yet...
Better yet,

you should tell him while you're
sucking his dick, like...

"I'm pregnant."

(LAUGHS)

What are you doing?

Um, returning some emails.

What time do you
have to go to work?

Like, 10 minutes ago.

Do you wanna be late?

No, I can't be late,
not today.

Do you see me standing
here in front of you,

half-naked?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Yeah.

And does that

make you feel anything, or...

(SIGHS) Come on. Are you
trying to start a fight?

No, I'm not trying
to start a fight with you.

I'm trying to fuck you.

Oh, God, you know what?

Today, of all days,

is the day you need to
cut me a break, all right?

Whatever.

Oh, God.

What?

I didn't realize
it was intentional.

I didn't say anything because I
didn't want you to be embarrassed.

I thought I was being gallant.

All right, fine.
I'm an asshole.

God.

You know
what your problem is?

You're never,
ever in the moment.

You're never, ever present.
You're never in your body.

That's not true. lam in the moment.
You know how I know?

I want to get
the fuck out of the moment.

I swear, I can't win with you.
I just can't do it.

You can't just walk away.

Oh, God.

Hey! How's the record
company going, Pete?

What? Not great.

I'm still waiting
for numbers to come in.

What have you heard?

A couple numbers
have trickled in.

It's lower than we expected.

Then why are you
giving Larry money?

What?

I know everything.
I talked to the accountant.

You know what? I don't wanna
get into some nasty fight

so can we please
talk to each other

the way the therapist told us
to talk to each other?

Fine. Fine.

It makes me feel sad
when you are dishonest.

I understand it makes you feel bad
when I am dishonest with you.

It hurts my feelings when
you treat me with contempt

and corner me, and try
and trick me into lying.

Okay.

It makes me sad when it's so
easy to trick you into lying,

because you're
such a lying shit-bag.

That's not... You can't do
that, you can't do that.

The therapist said you're
not allowed to judge me.

That's not a judgment,
that's just a fact.

Fair enough.

Sometimes I withhold truth,
that is true.

But it's only because
I'm scared to death

of your crazy-assed,
illogical overreactions.

Well...

It hurts me
inside and triggers me

when you're such
a dishonest shit,

that you're lending your father
money without telling me

while your record
company's going bankrupt

and we're on the verge
of losing our fucking house!

(PLAYING)

What else are you
lying about?

I've taken
Viagra for two years.

late six muffins
downstairs a while ago

and my
cholesterol level is 305.

My heart could
explode at any second.

These might be my
very last words.

Oh, and I gave Charlotte antibiotics
when you weren't looking.

That's why her ear got better.
So, go fuck your witch doctor.

What are we even doing?
What are we doing?

This is not making me happy.
You're not happy.

You don't like me.
I can feel that.

I'm not blind.

Jesus.

We're like
business associates.

We're like
brother and sister.

There's no passion there.

We're not like brother and sister.
You know what we're like?

We're like Simon and Garfunkel

and, somehow,
you turned me into Garfunkel.

I don't even know
what that means.

Art Garfunkel.

What's wrong with Art Garfunkel?
He has a beautiful voice.

He's got an amazing voice! He
could put a harmony to anything!

But what I'm saying is that
you turned me into him.

What the hell are
you talking about?

Simon controls him!

That's because Simon
writes the fucking songs!

He's the better one!

You know what? I see the
way you look at our kids.

You have so much
love and compassion for them.

You never look at
me like that. Ever.

Would we even
still be together

if I didn't get
pregnant 14 years ago?

You know what? I'm not
gonna go down that road.

Would we?

Okay.

You know what? I don't
want to have a party here.

You need to cancel it.

No, I'm not.

I already paid for the catering.
I've put down deposits.

And I sure as fuck am not gonna
call everybody back in two days

when you change your mind.

Your girlfriend is not ugly.

SPONGEBOB: Actually, Larry, she's
not my girlfriend. She's just a...

It's cool, buddy. You don't have
to explain your girlfriend to me.

Can you please stop
licking your fingers?

Do you know how many
germs are on your hands?

And you're putting
them into your mouth.

That's gross. Stop.

Stop it!

I'm gonna kill you!

Hey! Sadie,
enough, all right?

She isn't hurting anyone.

You want to say something,
just keep your mouth shut.

You have never
been nice to her

and now she's getting
aggressive with you.

I told you
this would happen.

(DOOR SLAMS)

I'm sick of
everybody fighting.

What do you think you're gonna
be like when you grow up?

I don't know. Um...

I don't know.

Do you think you want kids?

Mm-hmm. Just one.

Just one, why?

Because if I have two, then the other
will fight with the other one.

Does it make you
sad when you fight?

Mm-hmm. I don't want
anyone to fight.

I love you.

Why isn't anybody talking?
Why is it so quiet?

It's the Sounds of Silence.

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING ALONG)

Will you stop, Dad?

How many of those
are you gonna eat?

As many as I want.

I'm gonna tell Mom on you.

Try it. See what
you get for Christmas.

Nothing.

Snitches wind up in ditches.

Remember that.

Hey, Peter.

Hi.
Hiya.

All right. See you.

Have a good one.

Peter.

Peter!

Hi.

Catherine.

I'm Joseph's mother.

Oh, right. No, I know.
Hi, Catherine.

Our kids have gone to school
together for eight years.

Sorry.

Hello,Joseph.

I hear our kids have
been chatting online.

Yeah? I heard that your wife
has been screaming at my son.

And I don't appreciate it.
Excuse me?

She screamed at my son.

Right? She threatened you. She screamed at you.
She cursed at him.

He's 13 years old,
for God's sake.

What the hell is
the matter with her?

Okay, you better check
her meds and get 'em right.

Okay, you know what? Why
don't you back the fuck off?

Because that's my lovely, sweet
wife you're talking about.

Oh, I need to back off?
Yeah, you need to back off.

Because your kid is an animal.
He's a fucking animal.

Why don't you
put him on a leash?

Turn around,
turn around, turn around!

If he insults my
daughter again,

I'm gonna hit him
with my fucking car.

Got it?

In fact, if you insult my wife
again, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna show up at your
house when you're sleeping

and I'll take your iPad
or your iPod or your iMac

and I'll shove them
up your fucking iCunt.

I got nothing to lose.
Your kid is the problem.

My kid is a fucking angel.
Turn around.

I don't have
time for this shit.

So I'm keeping it together, but if
I wasn't at school right now...

Touch my... Touch me?

I didn't touch your...
You touched my upper breast.

I didn't. I didn't. I got
right below your shoulder.

You got right here. You actually...
He hit my nipple.

You what?

You're insane.

Why would you do that? Did you
just touch my mom's nipple?

He just touched my nipple.
Why would you do that to me?

I poked you
on the shoulder.

I have very high nipples.

I touched your shirt.

What do you think
is under my shirt?

I just... My breasts
are under my shirt.

Your shoulder. Your shoulder.
He just touched my breast.

Well, that's a funny place to
put a shoulder, on my boob.

Hello? There are
children around.

This isn't over. This is not over.
You're gonna be sorry.

Let's go.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!

And why the fuck
would you believe Desi?

You just admitted it.

Did I?

You stole $12,000 from me, Jodi,
and I need you to pay me back.

Could you at least
give me a referral?

You babysat my kids
while you were on OxyContin.

Oxycodone.

Well, oxycodone.

Oxycotton.

OxyContin?

Oxykitten.

What's Oxykitten?

Meow.

Jodi, you put me in danger.
Me and my family.

It was a cry for help.

Help. Help.

Why don't you help me?

Why don't you help me?
Just help.

Just help.

(SOBS GIBBERISH)

You didn't help me.

Are you high right now?

(GROWLS)
Help me.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Is that about me?
Is that the cops?

Is this a set-up?

I need to go.

Okay, see you later.

(GROWLS)
Fuck you, Debbie.

Fuck you.

Could you see it in your heart
to lend me some money?

I would love to lend you money, but...
Thank you.

I mean, there's no way I could.
Why?

I just wouldn't wanna
jeopardize a relationship

with somebody that I care
about by giving them money.

I mean, look
how far we've come

that you could come to me for advice
and be able to ask me to borrow money.

Let me ask you a question. Who do
you like better Simon or Garfunkel?

Garfunkel.
Really? Garfunkel?

Yeah, he's got
the voice of an angel.

He's got a great voice, but what about Simon?
He wrote the songs.

Who cares? Everybody writes songs.
How many singers are there?

Simon's a good singer, too. Art
Garfunkel is a choir all in one man.

Have you ever hear Paul Simon
sing Bridge Over Troubled Water

in concert by himself? It's a nightmare.
It's like nails on a chalkboard.

Is there a chance I'm just
wrong about everything?

Definitely. Of course.
Absolutely.

Joseph was very upset when
I spoke to him about this.

So I thought it
was important that we

join together and
work this through.

Absolutely.

We're gonna work
through it,

but Debbie told my son that
he looked like Tom Petty,

in a negative way.

Who's Tom Petty? You
know who Tom Petty is.

And she said that if she had to
come back that she was going to...

"F" up his pussy-ass,
which is what she said.

Oh, my...

Are you serious?

I didn't. I would never.
To a child?

Your son has been defiling my daughter's
Facebook page now for months.

These people are liars.

He said that my
son was an animal

and that if I didn't
keep him on a leash,

that he would hit
him with his car.

Did you say that?

That's ridiculous.

Who talks like that?
You do.

He didn't say that.
He said it to me.

No. What I said was that we need
to keep an extra eye on our kids

because with all
the technological advances,

they need to learn to
use them responsibly.

No. What he said to me was...
He called me an iCunt.

PETE: A what? Language, Catherine!
Language.

CATHERINE: I'm quoting!

How am I gonna relay

what these two nutballs
said to me, unless I say it?

Can you please not
talk like that, Catherine?

Music Man is
rehearsing next door.

Sorry, fucking Music Man.

Maybe if I looked more like
this fake bullshit couple.

Looks like they're
in a bank commercial.

That's what you
look like.

Like you're a bullshit
bank commercial couple.

None of this
talk is productive.

I would like to rear up
and jackknife my legs

and kick you both in the
fucking jaw with my foot bone.

You're just really
scaring me.

This is what happens
when you corner a rat.

You corner me, I will
fucking chew through you.

I'll chew through you.

Catherine,
you're better than this.

Fuck you, Jill. You're a
horrible fucking woman.

This is why everybody
hates you, Jill.

This kind of shit. Ineffective.
Fucking bullshit hair.

And I'm glad
your husband died.

Because you're a fucking asshole.
He probably killed himself.

Okay, Catherine, I think we
know what's happening now.

Now you know what
we're dealing with.

I'm not gonna
eat that chicken.

Why not?

Because I feel like I'm
gonna be a vegetarian.

Can you become a vegetarian tomorrow?
Uh-uh.

(SOBBING) You guys
have been reading my texts?

No, we haven't.
Yes, we have.

We're supposed to
keep an eye on you.

How did you find out?

Joseph told me that you flipped
out on him and his mom.

And you guys are nuts,
and I agree.

All right, you know what?
Don't be disrespectful.

You're the ones
who are disrespectful.

Reading my texts is like
reading my diary.

And you were really
sweet on your iChats.

We were really proud of you.

Yeah, we were going to give you
your computer and phone back.

FUCK you!

Okay, there's the first
official "fuck you."

Okay, that is not how we talk
to each other in this house.

You guys talk to each other
like that all the time.

And to Joseph and his mom.
You made Joseph cry.

Joseph has a crush on you.
You like a boy who cries.

Shut up, Charlotte.

You guys so desperately want me to be
so perfect and to make no mistakes.

Well, you two
are fucking insane.

Okay.

All you do is fight, or you don't
fight, which is even worse

because it looks like you
hate each other for weeks.

You obsess over
every little thing I do,

and you don't trust
in me or believe in me.

Well, I'm fucking sick of it.

Yeah, I said "fuck."
Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Ground me forever, I don't care.
I don't care about anything.

(SOBS)

I hate everything.

Everyone's going crazy. I don't
care if I have no friends.

Are you still
upset about Lost?

Of course I'm
upset about Lost!

You guys took away my shit before I
could watch the last two episodes.

And I don't know
what the fuck happened!

She's becoming
just like us.

I hope I never get my period
if this is what happens.

Where did you find this?

I stole it.

Thank you.

No big deal.

Our kids are fucking crazy.

And it's our fault.

Do you think there's anything we
can do to turn it around, or...

Sadie's 13. She might
be a lost cause.

Where did she learn
that kind of language?

We don't talk like that.

I have no fucking idea.

Do you think Sadie
is this crazy because of us

or is it hormones
and Lost?

J. J. Abrams.

He's ruining our daughter.
Yeah.

That fucking geek.

I feel bad for us.
I feel bad for us.

All of a sudden, we're like
a magnet for negativity.

Why do people
keep attacking us?

What did we do?
We're just doing our best.

Should we talk
about our fight?

I think we're
under enough pressure.

Let's just let
it go, this time.

Yeah.

We can give
each other a break.

All right, great.
Thank you.

And I'm sorry about my dad.
You're right.

I'm sorry that he's just
an endless mooch.

The truth is that
this isn't about us.

It's about our parents.

We're not even mad at each other.
We're mad at them.

Exactly. Exactly.

Let's just take away our
parents' power by loving them.

Can we do that?

(CHUCKLES) Yes.

Thank God.

I kind of feel
better already, do you?

Do you?
I do.

I love you.
I love you, too.

(SIGHS) It's not us,
it's them.

Totally.

What are you doing? We have
to get ready for the party.

I just watched
the last episode of Lost.

Okay.

You know what? We don't have
time for this right now.

We have a lot of
people coming over.

They're all dead.

What?

Jack, Kate, Sawyer...

I don't care about the show right now.
Jin, Sun...

Okay? I need you to just get
in the shower, get dressed.

Let's just put it on hold.
Walt, Juliet...

All those people.

Don't think about Lost today.

Tomorrow, Lost, all day.
I can't wait to hear about it.

Jack? No way, really?
Right now, shower.

I don't make fun of
your stupid Mad Men.

First of all, I don't get
worked up over Mad Men.

That's because
Mad Men sucks.

What Don Draper
has gone through

beats whatever Jack is running
from on some fucking island.

Bunch of people smoking in an office.
It's stupid.

It's about a lot more than that.
And you don't have any kind

of understanding about what
it was like in the '60s.

You do cry during Mad Men.

I don't cry over it. I appreciate it.
Right.

You're getting me off topic.

Just, please, get dressed.

Hello.
Hi.

I'm glad you're here.

I need a buffer
in case it gets weird.

Oh, well,
I'm ready to buff.

Grab these napkins.
Let's buff. Okay.

So, that's the girl
who works for you.

Yeah. That's her.
Works for Debbie.

She seems nice.

My wife would never let me
have a hot employee like that.

Yeah?
No.

Every woman
who works for us

looks like they've been in some
kind of horrible accident.

I'm taking control,
and now you're my slave.

Are you comfortable with that
around your husband?

Oh. Pete wouldn't know
what to do with that.

Do you think our wives are
looking at us right now?

Oh, definitely.
Yeah.

They look
like pedophiles.

Thank you. The girls are
so excited you're here.

They're all outside.

Hi.
Hi.

Hey, how are you?
How are you, man?

Good to see you.

Happy birthday, Pete.

How wonderful to see you.

Thank you, Grandma Molly.

You're wonderful.

And look at my gorgeous,
gorgeous, gorgeous.

No, I get that. I'm just
wondering why I should do it.

Pete, Jason's here.

Peter, hi.

Hey, how's it going, Jason?

You look well.
Thank you.

How do you like what I've
been doing to your girl?

How you like
Debbie's "after" body?

It's nice.
Come on. Show him.

Look at this.
It's beautiful.

Look at that "after" ass.
Now, it starts here.

But it used to start here.

And I brought it up.

You're welcome.

So, are you a trainer?

Yes.
Oh.

But not just physical. Spiritual.
I'm sort of a guide.

Mm-hmm. You guys should talk.
I think you'll get along.

Come here, honey.
I gotta tell you something.

Yeah.

Who's that in the pool?
Mine.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hello.
Hello, Debbie.

How are you?
Good.

Remember my husband, Pete?

Oh, right. I didn't recognize
you with the long hair.

Oh, yeah.
I've been growing it.

Happy birthday.

Thank you so much.

Very old Scotch.

Wow. You know...

I hope it hasn't expired.

(LAUGHS)

No, Scotch doesn't expire.

It improves with age.

Yeah. No, I know.
Thank you so...

That's nice. Come on in. Sure.

Sorry.

So, what do you do
in Chino, Oliver?

I'm a surgeon.

Wow. What kind?
That's great.

Mainly of the spine.

My specialty is
scoliosis surgery.

My mom used to talk to me
like I had scoliosis

because I'm a little hunchy,
but that's a different thing.

Well, you definitely
don't look right.

Hey!
Hey!

LARRY: Sorry we're late.

I was in the lab,
cloning myself.

We're gonna have
another seven tomorrow.

We cut their hair differently, so
we can finally tell who they are.

You like the new
haircut, Travis?

I'm Jack, damn it!

Oh. Of course.

Larry, this is my father.

Really? How are you?

Oliver.
Oliver?

"Can I have some more?

"Please, Oliver?
I need a little more, sir."

I love that movie. You must
get that all the time.

Not really. JACK: My
nose itches right here.

I'm sorry, excuse me. I'm
Claire and I'm Larry's wife.

Very nice to see you,
but I'm gonna go get the kids.

We won't see her
now for the whole day.

I'd help, honey, but you know
I got the blood pressure,

and I don't want to.

Can I get you a drink, Dad?

Yeah, a little white wine.

White wine?
Yeah.

Heavy stuff.
Yeah.

So, who knew that
Debbie had a dad?

Where have you
been for 15 years?

Never seen you at Hanukah or
Christmas or Ramadan, nothing.

How you get out of all that stuff?
Do you have a wife?

Yeah, my wife's at home.

Why didn't she come?

Uh, construction.
They're sanding our deck.

You let the woman
sand the deck?

She supervises it. Yes.

Okay.

Hey, guys.

Hey! Look how big
the kids are!

Sadie!

Hi, Larry.
Hi, Sadie.

Mom. Who's Oliver?

What do you mean?

Is he your dad?

Is he my...
He's my biological father.

What does that mean?

It means that my mom,
Grandma...

He and my mom had a baby,
and that was me.

Oh, so you're
our grandpa?

Well, why don't
you ask your mother?

Yeah. I guess so.

Then that would make him
your grandfather then, yes.

Do you want him to be?

Yes, then we get
another grandpa.

Come on.

Well...

Another grandpa.
Trampoline time.

That was deeply
uncomfortable.

(SIGHS)

At least that pretty girl was
here to divert our attention.

Oh, my gosh. Hi.

Me, oh, my.
I did not see you there.

Hi.
I saw you there.

Did you guys come together?
Are you a couple?

No, we didn't come together.
No, absolutely not.

I'm sorry, I thought...
The moustache is a little...

Mmm. That's fair.
DESI: I just assumed.

This is
a straight-man moustache.

What is the difference between
a gay man's moustache

and a straight
man's moustache?

The smell.

Uh, excuse me.

So, spinal surgery.

It just seems to me to be at
the top of the surgery chain.

(CHUCKLES) Well, we're not
cardio, we're not neuro,

but I like to think we're an
important part of the spectrum.

Do you operate every single day?
Most days.

Multiple times a day?

Three, four times.

So, what's the price range?
Like, if I wanted a...

I'd rather not say.

It's so big,
you're embarrassed to say.

I wouldn't say "embarrassed."

Are there hunchbacks today?
Of course.

I've never seen one.

Well, that's because
there are spinal surgeons.

That's because of you.

Each time I don't
see a hunchback,

you're getting
that much richer.

You like The Beatles,
don't you?

(CHUCKLES)

Who doesn't like The Beatles?
Nobody.

No, nobody.

RONNIE: (LAUGHS)
So funny. You're so funny.

What is your sun sign?

Libra.
Oh, boy.

That's not good.
No, sir.

That's not good. Not for
me, that's not good.

Sexually, we're
completely incompatible.

That's not true.
Right?

That's such a shame.

Yeah, it's as bad as it gets.

You don't know.
What is yours?

I'm a Cancer.

Really?
Is that good?

Wow.
What does it mean?

That's kind of strange.
Well...

Taurus and Cancers are, sort
of, soul mates of the Zodiac.

We're, like,
perfectly compatible.

And I balance what you lack and
you make up for what I lack.

And a quiet Cancer almost
always has a huge penis.

You're making me embarrassed.
Thank you.

Thank you.

No. Fantastic.

Oh, I wanted
to make a toast.

Thank you guys for coming.
Thank you so much.

Pete's turning 40.

Weird.

And we're ready to start this new
phase of our lives with open hearts.

Ready to just choose joy
and forgive everybody.

So, thank you all for coming.

Wait. Forgive who?

I think she just
means in a general sense.

You know, just put
the past behind us...

And live without resentment.

But, specifically,
who are you forgiving?

I just like to know the details
before I make a toast.

Right. You and my dad
and, you know, others.

I see.

Well, I know you have
some issues with me,

but I'm curious,
what's he in for?

Before today, nobody
even knew he existed.

Well, my parents divorced
when I was really young

and we don't spend much time together
and I'd like to work on that.

Just like we
would like to work on

how you have
financial issues.

She's talking about all the
lending and the borrowing and...

I know what she meant.

You are a beautiful woman, but
you are not totally maxed out.

I would say,
honestly, you're a six.

BOTH: Oh.
A six-and-a-half.

I could make you an 11.
Really?

When I found Deb, she was a 7.

And now she's a 12.

I wanna be a 12.

You can't be lazy.
I don't wanna be lazy.

Look at me.
You cannot be lazy.

I won't be lazy.

Do you know how she got her body?
How?

Bodies by Jason.
Wow.

Say it.
Bodies by Jason.

Say it again.
Bodies by Jason.

And now just say, "Jason."
Jason.

Again.
Jason.

That sounds right, doesn't it?

Yeah.

What the fuck is
happening right now?

When was the last time you two
saw each other? I'm curious.

Actually, we had lunch
together last week. Uh-huh.

And before that?

It's been about seven years.

Seven years?
That's a joke, right?

That's like two Olympics.

But I'm the bad guy.

All right, Dad.

What Debbie doesn't understand is
it's not bad to help out a parent.

And it's certainly not bad for
a parent to help out a child.

I'm sure Oliver would agree.
Well...

Are you really
doing this right now?

Am I doing what?
I didn't start the toast.

Are you really about to
hit up my dad for money?

What? He does four
operations a day.

It's perfect.
It helps everybody

and it relieves his guilt from
all the abandonment issues.

You can't buy forgiveness.
Right, Pete?

I don't think anyone is looking for handouts.
I mean, you know...

We'd pay him back.

If you two are in a bind, I'd
be more than happy to help.

No. It's not good to borrow
money from family members

because it causes resentment.
Remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you want me to do? Okay.
Admit that my life is shit?

Is that what you want
me to say? You happy?

Aren't I allowed a little joy with
these children I never wanted to have?

You have never once stopped
asking us for money.

Family helps family.

It's true.
Family helps family.

Look, I don't expect
you to fully understand.

Your dad left.
You're broken inside.

It's not your fault
you can't feel love.

There's something
that you can't...

This is coming out wrong.

You know what? I would rather
have my dad than your dad.

Because he
doesn't drive me crazy.

You know what's the best
quality my father has?

Is he asks for nothing.

I don't know what the fuck
he's thinking right now.

Look at that.
Nothing. Nothing.

I don't even know him.

And I turned out perfectly
fine without his input, okay?

I just figured out
what your problem is.

You hate Jews.

Which is so odd because
your children are Jewish.

Don't play
the Jew card, Larry.

I'm not playing any Jew card.
Seriously, it's used up.

You can't use up a Jew card. That's
the whole point of a Jew card.

That's right. You can't use
it up, it goes forever.

You know what?
I have to go.

Yeah, great.
What a big surprise.

Bye, Oliver. See you later. See
you in another seven years.

Make sure and say goodbye to the
grandkids who you met today.

You know, nothing I do
is right because of you.

Nothing. No matter how hard I
try, I'm just the asshole here.

But you know what?
You know what I realized?

It's you. You're the asshole.

Good luck
working that out.

Happy birthday,
and go fuck yourself.

Hey, see you when
the Cubs win the pennant.

I'm gonna go light the candles.
Just get it going, okay?

Maybe we should try the toast again.
You know, can you be quiet?

You just threw
me under the bus.

No, I don't...
You threw me under the...

You threw me under the bus.

We agreed to let go
and forgive,

but then you started ripping
into my dad like a crazy person.

I'm not ripping into
your dad.

I'm just saying to him
what you say to me.

PETE: Don't be
such a ball-buster.

I am not a ball-buster.
You make me one.

I am a fun girl.
lam fun-loving.

I am a "Good-Time Sally."
I dance hip-hop.

I cannot believe I
have wasted my whole life

busting the balls of
people who have no balls.

I'm the only one
here who has any balls!

(ALL SINGING)

God damn it.

Mom?

Mom? What are you doing?

What?

You're smoking,
and in the front yard?

No! No, they're Barb's.

Mom!

Since when have
you been a smoker?

I'm not a smoker.

I thought you
said smokers die.

I'm not smoking.
I wasn't smoking.

I saw you.

DEBBIE: No, I wasn't.

Mom, you're smoking?

Deb, you can't smoke, you're pregnant.
You've been doing so well.

You're pregnant?

No effing way. I don't
want another sister.

I don't want her
as a sister.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
It just slipped out.

Are you pregnant? Since
when are you pregnant?

Since when do you care? You
don't even want another baby.

You have no idea
what I want.

I want an Asian baby.

We're not gonna
have an Asian baby.

CHARLOTTE: Yes, We are.

They're not Asian.
Sadie.

We'll buy one.
Shut up, Charlotte.

You shut up.
Shut up, Sadie!

Shut up, Charlotte!
Shutup!

Okay, Sadie, shut up.
Shut up, Charlotte!

Shutup!
Okay, stop saying "shut up"!

You're pregnant?
Since when are you pregnant?

When did you find out?

Will you stop
eating cupcakes, please?

Stop eating cupcakes!
Stop eating cupcakes!

Hey, we just heard.
You're having a baby?

See, it can happen to anybody.

That is so wonderful.

Let me give you a hug.
Fantastic, congratulations.

CLAIRE: It's wonderful.
I'm so happy for you.

This is too adult for you.
Let's go outside.

Congratulations.

Well, I guess we're stuck together
then forever then, right?

Weren't we always?

You didn't even
want a baby.

Of course I do.
I never said that.

I didn't want one
if I could choose.

I should put that on a Hallmark card.
That's beautiful.

Debbie...

Good luck with
the pregnancy, Debbie.

But please,
take care of yourself.

It's a much riskier
pregnancy after 40.

I'm not 40.
Of course you are.

You were born on
December 5th, 1972.

I'm not 40.
How do you know?

I was there. I'm the one who took
your mother to the hospital.

Well, that's not
what she said.

Your mother was in labor
for only about 20 minutes.

You couldn't wait to meet me.
Can you imagine that?

I don't even know you.

You can't just come into
my house and reminisce.

Look, maybe we're just not meant
to be in each other's lives.

I'm not sure this
was such a great idea.

Wait a minute.
Hey, wait a minute!

You did leave and
you didn't come back.

My first life was ruined.
I did my best with my second.

So, I ruined your life?
I was eight.

People do better when I
stay out of their lives!

That's what
my son tells me.

You think my
life is so perfect?

I've got a 13-year-old
who's a pothead.

I've got a wife who's
keeping Zoloft alive.

You never said that before.

You don't think I wanna talk to you
about this, to share it with you?

It's just not our way.
We don't talk to each other.

We don't know each other. And I
thought that's the way you wanted it.

How do I get out
of this?

How do I get you all to just
help me down off the cross?

You sound just like Sadie.

Who's Sadie?

No, your daughter.
Your younger?

The big one.

Your older. I know, I know that.
A wonderful girl.

Hey, guys,
some of us need to leave.

Would this be a good
moment to sneak out?

Where is Dad going?

Best birthday ever!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SCREAMS)
Oh, shit!

Bike lane, asshole!

Fuck you, you Twilight
pimply-ass motherfuckers!

Your dad's still here.

DEBBIE: I know.
It's kind of weird.

Where the hell is Pete?

Um...

Is it okay if Joseph
hangs out here for a while?

Mm-hmm.

Hi, Joseph.

Hi.

Do you want a piece of cake?

Oh! Yeah, sure.
Thank you.

All right, then.

They are so cute.

So cute.

He looks exactly
like Tom Petty.

(HONKING)

Go around.

Watch it, watch it!

Hey, Pete! Great party!

Yeah.

The best!

And then we shake it.

(CHUCKLES) And then a
restaurant comes up.

Dad, excuse me. I'm gonna
go look for Pete right now.

Would you mind staying with the
girls for just a little bit?

Well, if you want me to.

If you don't mind.
You don't have to.

Sure.

Can I let Sadie show me
the last episode of Lost?

She asked me if I'd
seen it and I haven't.

Yeah, that would be nice.

Thank you.
Thank you.

She said we could watch it.
Come on.

I'm gonna let you
watch Lost. Come on.

(GIGGLING)

Is it scary?

I'll cover your eyes
if it gets too scary.

Are you mad at me?
Did I say something?

Shh. Larry, please.

(YELLS)

(GROANS)

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me?

You opened your door on me.

I didn't open my fucking door on you.
I opened my door!

Aw, fuck.
I was right there!

You're supposed to look
before you open your door!

I was in a fucking bike path!

That's a blind spot.
There's no fucking bike path.

It's a residential section.
Get your head out of your ass.

Pay attention!

Open your goddamn eyes. What
are you doing, sleepwalking?

You're supposed to look to see
if a biker's coming through.

You're supposed to look!

It's not my job to look out for you.
You look out for yourself.

I don't look out for you.
I don't see you.

I don't know where the fuck
you are or what you're doing.

No one is ever
looking out for me!

I need your name
and your number.

Why?

Because you're
gonna pay for my door.

PETE: Fuck you!

Why don't you pay for my bike
and my face, you fucking prick?

(GASPS)

(G ROANS)
Don't disrespect me.

LARRY: Are you sure
that's him?

I don't think that's him.

(GROANS)

I gotta write down
your license plate.

"Range Rover of Sunland."

What are you doing?
Ow.

I guess the party didn't
turn out like you planned.

It wasn't a good party.

Hi.
Hi.

I'll bring you in as soon
as his X-rays are finished.

Okay. Is he okay?
Okay.

Yeah, he has a broken rib and
he's been crying a little bit.

But he'll be fine.

You know, Pete was
never a real fighter.

But that's why he married you.
That's why he loves you.

Because you're
the fighter.

And you need that.

One person in a relationship
has got to punch.

Do you mean
that in a good way?

Oh, it's a high compliment.

Thanks.

Listen, I know what
you're worried about.

You think he's
gonna turn into me,

but I don't think
it's gonna happen.

He's smarter and
probably a little cuter.

A little less Jew-y.

Although after 50,
that's all gonna change.

Be prepared to wake up
one day with a rabbi.

But the good
news is, you know,

he'll love you forever.

That's in our DNA.

We stick around.

He worries
about you, you know.

It puts a lot of
pressure on him.

I know, I just don't have anyone
else to talk to about it.

Why don't you
talk to Claire?

If I open up to her,
she'll leave me.

No, she won't.

Mmm.
Larry, she loves you.

I know, but there's a certain point
at which you just can't stay.

(CHUCKLES)

I guess it's hard
to forgive somebody

if they don't
formally apologize to you.

Are you apologizing?

I'm very close.

Yes, I'm sorry.

I'm glad everybody's okay.

Okay, thanks.

Oh, thank you.

All right, I'm off.

Okay.

This is awkward.

What?

I need $40 for a cab.

(LAUGHS) That's funny.

No, I'm not kidding.

Oh, yeah.

You drove me, honey.
I wasn't prepared.

I know.
I only have a hundred.

It's okay.

I'll bring you the change.

All right.
Give him a kiss for me.

(STAMMERS) I don't get it.

See, it's not sad.

It's happy, because they helped
each other achieve their destiny.

Great. I'm gonna have
some freaky-ass nightmares.

Hi.
Hi.

(SIGHS)

I really liked our
life so much better

before we tried to
change everything.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. I don't want
to keep anything from you.

I love you, you're my wife.

I just didn't
want to let you down.

Are you mad
that I'm pregnant?

No. I'm not mad,
I'm thrilled.

You don't feel trapped?

I sometimes feel
like I trapped you.

I don't feel trapped.

Really?
No.

You should,
because I have trapped you.

You can't go anywhere.

I'm gonna get you pregnant every 10
years for the rest of your life.

You can never leave me. Ever.

I never feel trapped
by you.

I'm so happy to be with you
and I love you so much.

You're my favorite person
in the whole world.

God damn it, why am
I crying like this?

Something is wrong
with me.

You're pregnant.

Oh, yeah.

Shit.

I was just outside telling
your dad that I liked him.

What if he
thinks I like him now?

No, he won't think that.

I don't want him to think
I like him that much.

No, it will never happen.

Can you believe it? This is
the craziest thing ever.

What are we gonna do
with a third baby?

I have no idea.
How are we going to afford it?

We'll sell the house.

We don't have to.

We kind of do.
We kind of do.

We'll make new memories
in a new house.

I love you.

Is there anything you want
to do for your birthday?

It's been the worst
birthday ever.

There is one thing, but I
don't% think you'll like it.

What?

I wouldn't mind going to see some music.
Would you want to do that?

Yeah.

Really?
Yeah.

I don't believe you, but
you're sweet for saying that.

How do we break
you out of here?

I can just leave on my own volition.
It's not a mental institution.

Can you?
Yes.

It's not like One Flew
Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Please don't put
a pillow over my face.

(LAUGHING)

Let's get outta here,
McMurphy.

You got it, Chief.

Will you carry me?

You've been carrying me
all this time.

(GROANS)

(SINGING ALT-COUNTRY SONG)

Thanks.

I like this song.

Really?

Why?

Why don't you sign him?

Ryan Adams?
No, he wouldn't sign with me.

Why not? You're the best.

He is in between labels.

Let's go try and talk
to him after the show.

(VOCALIZING)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

RYAN'. Thank you.

I'm sorry if I'm not all
fancy pants and wealthy

and showing it all off with
my Vidal Sassoon haircuts.

Sorry.

Quit slow-blinking at me.

I'm sorry.
Okay...

I would like to rear
up and jackknife my legs

and kick you both in the
fucking jaw with my foot bone.

(LAUGHING)

That's what I
would fucking love.

I wish my fucking foot would
go right through your skull.

This is what happens
when you corner a rat.

I will fucking kill you.

You corner me, I will
fucking chew through you.

I'll chew through you!

Slow-blinking eyes. I will
chew off your fucking eyelids.

You won't slow-blink
at me, will you?

Did you drink
before you came here?

No, but I'm gonna
start drinking.

I'm gonna slit somebody open like
a fish and drink their blood.

That's what I'm gonna drink

if we don't start getting
to the fucking point here.

Probably I'm gonna start
with Karen Carpenter's head.

I'm gonna rip her head off
and I'm gonna drink her blood.

And then I'm gonna come back
and light you on fire.

I'm gonna light
you all on fire.

But I'm gonna
start with you, Jill.

I'm gonna
fucking torch you.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna
go buy a fucking pickup truck.

And a cord of rope.

And I'm gonna string it around
all three of your fucking necks

and then drive
around town, dragging you.

That's what I'm
gonna fucking do.

That's completely
uncalled for.

Really, Jill?
Do you think it is?

Fuck off, Jill. God,
everybody fucking hates you.

God!

That isn't even nice.

Go suck a big
fucking dick, Jill.

JILL: That's totally
uncalled for, Catherine.

You're a fucking asshole.
Everybody hates you.

They hate your fucking bob.

And I'm glad
your husband died.

Because you're a fucking asshole.
He probably killed himself.

I would. Kill myself.

God, I'd kill myself, Jill.

MAN: Cut!
(ALL LAUGHING)