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Officer
Jennings to the infirmary.

I love you, Lance.

I love you more than
I've ever loved anyone.

I'll admit that I had a lot more

on my mind today than just...

Horseback riding.

- I like it.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo.

Aw, man.

I sense a certain coldness

in your kiss, Lance.

Is it because you don't think
that I'm good enough for you?

Drexler wants to see you.

My husband's
family has owned this land

for 200 years.

My heritage is impeccable.

And don't go throwing your
blue blood in my face!

Mr. Drexler.

I got the agenda for
your cell block meeting

and I wrote Senator Keats

about the import laws you want changed.

I hear you're getting out
tomorrow. Is that right, Curt?

- Yes, sir.
- Oh.

I'm gonna miss ya. You've
been an excellent secretary.

It's a way of working
off what I owed you.

Hey, Curt. I got something for ya.

Uh...

Uh this can't be.

I mean, where am I
supposed to get $35,000?

Curtis!

You shoulda thought of that
before you ran up the debt.

Hey!

We're in need of a
heart-to-heart talk, Curt.

How long has it been since
we had a heart-to-heart talk?

We never had a heart-to-heart talk.

Aw, that's too long.

Come here.

You come from a large family, Curt?

- No.
- Oh. Well, I do.

And you know how it is
with large families, huh?

They...

They keep in touch.

You know, no matter what little
differences they may have,

no matter how far from
each other they may be,

those family bonds, they stay tight.

And you're family, Curt.

- Thank you, sir.
- Sure.

And you're one of my boys.

And like any papa, there comes a time

when I gotta be warm and kind

and there comes a time
when I gotta be harsh.

Now, if you should have
any trouble whatsoever

in remembering your little debt to me,

then it may become necessary to be harsh.

So no matter where you
are Curt, I'll find ya.

And I'm gonna spank ya.

I understand.

Now,

I'm a very patient man.

You got two weeks.

♪ Time for changes ♪

♪ Yeah, it's time to change my ways ♪

♪ And what's strange is ♪

♪ It's been comin' on for days ♪

♪ I can feel it ♪

♪ 'Cause it's in the air ♪

♪ Feels like changes ♪

♪ Feels like changes ♪

♪ It's time for changes ♪

♪ Time for steppin' out at last ♪

♪ Nothing changes ♪

♪ If you're livin' in the past ♪

♪ If you feel it ♪

♪ Then you're almost there ♪

♪ Feels like changes ♪

♪ Well, there comes a
time when you look back ♪

♪ And see the places that you're leavin' ♪

♪ And you don't mind ♪

♪ All that concerns you are
your future destinations ♪

♪ Different faces ♪

♪ Than the ones you left behind ♪

♪ Time for changes ♪

♪ Time to get my life in gear ♪

♪ Rearrange it ♪

♪ Find out where I go from here ♪

♪ Can't you feel it ♪

♪ Feel it in the air ♪

♪ Feels like changes ♪

♪ It feels like changes ♪

All right,
quiet everybody! Here we go!

Rolling!

"Storm Watch," scene 5, take one.

And action!

I love you, Lance.

I love you with a love
I've never felt before.

Cut!

Back to position one, boys.

Cartier, it's Rick you love.

Rick was a love you never felt before.

Are you sure?

Do you know your character's name?

Rick?

Rick, you see? It's Rick!

Rick.

I apologize.

Greg, you must admit that the line

bears the teensiest similarity

to what I told Lance last week.

Cartier, I'm trying to
get through a day here.

All right. Let's go again, boys.

"Storm Watch," scene 132, take three.

And action!

I love you, Rick.

I love you with a love
I've never known before.

I can't give you much
on a pilot's salary.

I'll request the Asian route

and we'll go where Walker can't touch us.

What do you say, Valentina?

Oh!

I say...

Kiss me!

Kiss me like you've never
kissed a woman before.

Cut!

It's been a real
pleasure working with you,

- Ms. Rand.
- Oh, thank you.

Frankly, when I got this
job I was very surprised.

Oh, you too?

Wonderful! Wonderful scene, Cartier.

Thank you.

Now, we have some
insignificant details to wrap up.

You can relax, Rex.

What details, Alf?

Well, I don't know where to start.

We have personal appearances lined up,

Celebrity Circus wants
you as an elephant girl,

a lingerie line wants to name
their pantyhose after you-

- We have a group of affiliates flying in

who want to meet with
you for champagne brunch.

Ordinarily I would have said no,

but these are major market people.

And the studio has picked up your option

for another season of "Storm Watch."

What? What did you say?

Honey, you knew they would.

It's just hearing
out loud is so chilling.

I think we should hold
off on the pantyhose

unless they sweeten the deal.

Whatever you sa...

Alf, why are you wearing
this? You know I hate it!

At the network, we found that "Love Weapon"

tested very well in all age groups, Ms. Rand.

Ugh.

I don't want to be an elephant girl,

I do not want to be
tested like a chemical,

and most of all I passionately do not want

to be a "Love Weapon."

Cartier, honey?

- Will you listen to me?
- No!

Well, just stop by the
agency tomorrow and we'll talk!

She's great. She's great.

So long, honey! Bye.

13-U3, 13-U3, 484-

- What's going on?

Oh! Ms. Carpenter!

What happened?

Beats me. I guess I
blacked out temporarily.

Your secretary opened fire
on your house, Ms. Rand.

What?

I must be more hostile than I thought.

I knew Ms. Carpenter had a
little drinking problem but-

- Should've fired
her long ago, Cartier.

All right, Ben. Now,
you're the business manager.

Find me a secretary who's not
training to be Annie Oakley.

Look, Cartier, you pay
a lot of people good money

to insulate you from these things.

Let us do our job, all right?

All right.

Cartier, what's wrong?

I don't know, Ben. I'm just
so fed up with everything.

You work all your life to be a star

and now you're complaining?

It may surprise you to know some people

never get to appear on primetime.

Well, I don't want to be a "Love Weapon"!

You have a gift!

If it were easy being a "Love
Weapon," everyone would be.

Run upstairs, take your nap.

I'll finish up here and
find you a new secretary.

All right, Ben.

But I'm gonna tell you something.

If I have to be treated
like a "Love Weapon" all day

I want some sanctuary
when I come home at night,

so you find me a woman

who is going to be like a sister to me.

No.

A mother.

Better still, find me a grandmother.

Ugh.

Shirl!

God, Shirl!

How'd you find me?

Oh! You smell like fish, Curt!

Well, I'm a fish scraper, Shirl.

Yeah, well, I got the
name of your parole officer

and he told me I could find you here.

Jocko's Cafe ain't exactly
as fancy as it sounds, huh?

Yeah, well, my boss watches
me like a hawk. Maybe we can-

- Yeah? So how's it going so far?

You sell out any old friends lately?

Look, I thought we could meet somewhere-

- You creep!

After all I done for you,
and what do I get, huh?

No thanks! No marriage!

- No money!
- You gotta get outta here!

You think it's easy for
an ex-con to find a job?

I ain't leaving till I get my cut!

Cut? What cut?

Are you nuts?

When I got busted I gave back every dime.

And I gave up so much
for you. I had a future.

And then you come along

and you bat those big baby blues at me

and suck on my earlobes for a while

and you talk me into doing
some stupid oil scam with you-

- Shut up, shut up! Will you shut up?

You owe me, buster!
And I'm gonna collect.

I'm gonna stick to you like garlic.

I'm gonna be on your back until it breaks.

I got feelings too, you know?

Ha!

- Got woman troubles, Curt?
- Ah...

Well...

You need TLC.

I'll meet you on your break.

Don't you
think we should maybe wait

until we're through with our shift?

Aw, you've waited long enough.

Besides, I have to get dinner ready

for my husband when he gets off work.

Oh, really? What's your husband do?

He runs a restaurant.

No kiddin'? Which restaurant?

This restaurant.

"Learn pest control from the ground up."

Better jobs in prison.

True enough.

Who are you?

My name is J.J. Phonopolous.

I'm an associate of Phil Drexler's.

You're Phil's collector?

That sounds so janitorial.

I, I...

I can give you an
installment. I got, uh...

I got 50 bucks here. That's all I got.

That'll be fine.

That leaves a remaining
balance of $34,950.

You have a week and a half.

You know how long it takes
for an ex-con to find a job?

Any kinda job?

I had to beg to be a fish scraper.

Drexler gave you the number

of some people who could help you, eh?

Yeah, I don't want his help.

His help is why I'm in this jam.

Got me a soft job in prison,
that cost me three grand.

Crap games cost me another seven grand.

Ten grand for protection.

- I have the file.
- So I don't need his help.

Look, Drexler runs an
empire from that cell of his.

You can't run, you can't hide.

In a week and a half you could be dead.

You gotta give me more time.

No way.

What I can give you, however,

is a phone number.

And action!

What do you mean Ms.
Lombardo isn't showing up?

Ms. Rand has been without
a secretary for three days.

Do you have any idea
how taxing her work is?

I love you, Frank.

I've never known a love like this.

Well, if you want
our business, Mr. Dean,

you will convince Ms. Lombardo
to delay her hip surgery.

It's nonelective! she
was hit by a bulldozer!

I know that.

Well, I know that, Mr. Folsey.

Referred by Mr.
Drexler. Isn't that nice?

Typing. Filing.

Clerical skills!

I want someone here at
five o'clock this afternoon.

How in blazes am I gonna do that?

Well...

Well, Mr. Folsey...

Our standards are very exacting here.

I just can't send over anyone.

Oh! Well,
congratulations, Mr. Folsey!

This is your lucky day!

One of our out-of-town clients

just this second waltzed in here

and he's just what you're looking for.

Yeah. Can I send him over tonight?

Him?

I told you, Dean, Ms. Rand
wants a confidante, not some...

Star-struck stud.

She wants a woman! A companion.

Mr. Folsey, have I
ever steered you wrong?

Mr. Taylor here is very capable.

Trustworthy.

Professional.

And gay.

Gay?

Really?

- No!
- I'd stake my life on it!

In fact, I stake his life on it.

Well, that...

Just might work out.

Send him over tonight.

Certainly, Mr. Folsey.

Pleasure, pleasure.

You may have yourself a job, son.

Mr. Dean, I absolutely refuse.

Take it easy. Hold on.

Relax, son. Relax. Everything's
gonna be all right.

Just check something out here.

$35,000?

In a week and a half?

But I'm not gay!

I got a great little
resume here for you.

And we'll provide you
with the suitable clothes,

the cost of which will come
out of your first check.

Mr. Dean!

Nice little bonus in here
for you, you do this job right.

$35,000 even.

What job could be possibly
worth that kind of money?

Just the layout of Cartier
Rand's security system.

Goodbye.

Phil Drexler owns this place.

You think he understands
about Ms. Lombardo

getting hit by a bulldozer?

He does not.

He was counting on her
to be our inside liaison.

Look, I don't know.

You owe Drexler.

Cartier Rand, you don't owe her nothin'.

She's rich and she's famous.

Besides, she don't give a
hoot about people like you.

Just the layout to the security system.

And then you're free as a bird.

On the other hand, I
don't have to tell you

what would happen if, uh,

you don't pull this thing off.

Doggone, it Cartier, I don't like it.

I thought you was gonna
get a female secretary.

Well, I did too, darling,

but Ben says that this
man is highly qualified.

Another drink for us?

Thank you, no, Cartier.

Margo?

I guess he's gonna be living here

like your last secretary?

Morgan.

Darling, the man is gay!

Do you think I would
really have agreed to this

if there was the slightest
chance of him lusting after me?

Cartier, here is my last word.

You know I hate that Hollywood crowd

you surround yourself with.

They're nothing but a bunch of parasites,

psychopaths, and producers!

But at least they don't live here!

If you've got to have a man living here

and it ain't me, honey,

he better be one bona fide sissy.

Your new secretary is here, Ms. Rand.

Show him in, Monica.

Morgan, please, will you relax?

You have absolutely
nothing to worry about.

Okay.

Morning.

Morning!

Did you sleep all right?

Oh, I sleet really fine.

Look, I got a meeting
with Ms. Rand upstairs

in just a few minutes.

Ms. Carpenter used to have your room.

- Right.
- Did you notice the locks?

Good, strong locks.

In case you should need any privacy.

Okay, thank you.

If you need
anything, you just...

Holler.
Oh, I will.

Anything. At all.

Come in.

Oh, not so loud.

Morning.

Sit.

Ben tells me you're European-trained?

Yes.

Well, I've always admired

the European secretarial tradition.

Well, you know, that's
strange because one has heard

about the European culinary tradition

and the European ballet tradition,

but almost nothing about the
European secretarial tradition.

Well, it's kind of a
specialized tradition.

Whatever it is, my main
concern is integrity.

I have to put up with insincerity

all day long at the studio

and when I come back
here I want straight talk

and straight vodka.

Now, I will overlook a
forgotten phone message,

but I'll kill you if you're dishonest.

Yes, well, I like to think
of myself as being honest.

Well, I like to think

I'm gonna buy Texas and live forever,

but I wouldn't count on it.

Sweetheart, can you
help me with this thing?

Morgan.

I cannot move. Even my
cuticles are hungover.

Mr. Taylor.

Can you tear yourself away
from your dollies for a second?

Oh! Oh, yes sir.

Tell me something, Mr. Taylor.

You must have a certain flair for fashion.

Do you think my shirt matches this tie?

Well, I think it makes the
whole ensemble work for me.

And it...

Brings out the turquoise in your eyes.

I don't know anything about fashion.

I just, um, know what I like.

Don't we all.

Sweet pea, I'll call you later.

Unless something important comes up.

What a charmer.

I believe in Texas, I
believe in real estate,

and I believe that
secretaries ought to be women.

However, I been persuaded
to bend that belief

on account of your, uh...

Special tradition.

Thank you, sir.

But if I were to learn that
you were a regular person

working closely with my woman,

I would be unrestrained
in my disappointment.

And when that happens,

a stampede is safer than I am.

Don't mind Morgan.

He's just a little possessive, that's all.

We've been friends for years.

I think he sees himself
as more than a friend.

Of course, it's none of my business.

No, it's not, and...

He does. It's complicated.

Do you always wear this
much jewelry when you jog?

Especially when I jog.

Their weight keeps my biceps toned.

I thought you felt lousy.

Oh, I do!

After this I'll probably feel lousier.

But I like each day to have a theme.

Okay. That's lousy enough.

Well, look at these places.

I'd sure like some stock in
these security systems, huh?

Insecure is a better word for it.

Everywhere you look you see silent alarms,

electric eyes, killer dogs.

You have killer dogs?

I do have a rather testy parakeet,

but I keep all my valuables in the safe.

I know it's a bit old-fashioned.

Must be a drag not being
able to trust anybody, huh?

Oh, it isn't that I don't trust anybody.

I do. I trust...

You really learn to be wary

when everybody wants a piece of you.

Boy, I know how that feels.

You do?

Well, I don't know how that feels

on the same scale that
you know how that feels,

but, I mean...

I mean, compared to you,
I've lived rather simply.

And sometimes I think
that simple is better.

You know, Ms. Rand, I've
only seen you on television.

You're a little different
than what I expected.

It's the hair.

To be honest,

you're a little different
from what I expected.

What do you mean?

Well you don't seem...

Could we please jog? I
have a very busy morning.

Up and at 'em!

And she has a small
safe in the living room.

There's a Japanese kimono hanging over it.

That's where she keeps the big rocks

her boyfriend's always giving her.

Now, I've already gone over
the security system with you.

Can I quit now?

Not quite.

Security system you describe

can only be deactivated by a key.

Yeah, yeah, I know that. So what?

Get it.

Now wait a minute! Nobody
said anything about a key!

Well, nobody knew it was so crucial.

Look, I'm beginning to feel
a little weird about this.

I think this lady's beginning to trust me.

So what?

Curt, I explained to you

what kind of person Cartier Rand is.

Yeah, well, I'm not so sure
you were right about that.

Anyway, I can't get the
key. It's just not possible.

You know, boy, I'm constantly
amazed about this business

by what becomes possible,

provided a man has a
strong enough motivation.

Cartier, you can't threaten
to leave "Storm Watch."

You're totally identified

with the Valentina Garnette character.

Everyone in every
supermarket checkout line

sees your face right next
to the sugarless gum,

and you know how many people chew gum!

Hal...

No, Arthur, no.

Oh, I like being etched in America's mind

next to something that
you chew up and spit out.

You have more to consider
here than yourself.

Why, Arthur? Why do I?

This is my life that we're talking about.

I could've been miserable
doing lots of things!

I could have been a game show hostess.

Now, there was a time when I was excited

and challenged by what I was doing

and I want that back!

Aw, Cartier, honey!

You know how hard we
tried to sell the network

on that "Antony and Cleopatra" thing

you wanted to do last spring.

They're not doing period pieces.

Curt! Curt, come in here.

I want you to take down
every word of this.

Let's not overreact.

The networks are doing shows
about single working moms,

which, let's face it,
Cleopatra just isn't!

- Hal.
- Are you getting that?

Cleopatra is not a single working mom.

Maybe if you wanted to do
something else. Like, um...

"Mother Courage"!

Please!

"Do something else,
like 'Mother Courage.'"

Ms. Rand!

- I'm a slave!
- Cartier!

For Pete's sakes, will
you just get in the car?

Go away! I want to be alone.

In the middle of Rodeo Drive?

Don't you have some
crank mail to answer?

Stop the car, Davis.

All right, look.

I'm sorry you're depressed.

But I think you gotta keep
things in perspective here.

And what is that supposed to mean?

Just that a lot of
people wouldn't find this

the most depressing setting
in the world, that's all.

Oh, Valentina!

I hope your attorney gets you

a better settlement than mine got me.

And you can do better than Lance.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, I hate that!

What? A fan recognizing you?

Oh, it wasn't me that she recognized.

It was Valentina Garnette.
I am Cartier Rand.

Whoever that is. That's
not even my real name!

Look, I haven't known you all that long,

but from where I stand it
seems to me you got it made!

Okay, now maybe I'm wrong,

but if you're really
unhappy with your agents,

why do you let them push you around?

Go ahead and quit!

Before you do, I'd think twice,

because you got a good thing going here

and it's pretty damn scary
making a fresh start.

Believe me, I know.

Maybe it's scary and maybe it's not.

Look, Cartier!

I'm sorry. That was
probably way outta line.

Cartier, listen. Ca...

Cartier! Hello, Cartier!

Cartier!

Ah!

Hot day for a walk?

Am I fired?

No.

Look, I'm sorry. I admit I was wrong.

Oh, I didn't say that
you were wrong. Sit down.

You know Curt, it's really interesting,

but I can't think of a single soul

who would have said those things

that you said to me this afternoon.

That's not to say that I
didn't find you, at best,

exceedingly rude.

Thanks for not firing me.

I owe ya.

Mm-hmm! You certainly do.

My favorite writer on the
show is feeling a bit blocked,

and when he's blocked, so is my dialogue.

He thinks he's psychotic. I...

I just think he's lonely.

Are you involved with anyone
on a permanent basis right now?

Why do you ask?

Admittedly, this isn't
your usual bar scene.

You get an older, more professional crowd.

Quite frankly, I've had it up to here

with muscle shirts and gaga legs.

Yeah. Yeah.

What was that, Curt?
I didn't quite hear you.

Come here often, do you?

Oh, I suppose I do.

Did Cartier mention I
think I'm losing my mind?

Don't you want to take
off those dark glasses?

Well, you see,
I got these drops in my eyes

and they've been burning me really bad.

Ah. Cartier's making noises
about quitting, you know.

Yeah, I heard that.

She won't.

They make noises, they
renegotiate, they shut up.

I've seen it over and over.

You like dancing?

Well, yeah, I do...

No. I mean, talk about two left feet.

Cartier warned me you
might be a little shy.

Look, Raymond, my ankles
have been killing me. I mean...

I mean, I've been retaining water-

- She said you'd need a little coaxing.

Yeah, I've got gout. Raymond,
aren't we rushing things?

I mean, really, Raymond. Raymond!

Raymond!

Enough...

Is enough...

Is enough!

Okay.

Where is that key? Come on.

Curt!

Mr. Folsey!

Nice day, huh?

Why, yes, I suppose it is a nice day.

Much too nice to spend

with your head stuck in a drawer.

Uh, why was your head stuck in the drawer?

Ah, you know, I was just trying

to thoroughly familiarize
myself with all the-

- Oh, I bet you were.

Excuse me?

Curt, forgive me if I'm blunt.

Could we just cut the garbanzo?

I'm not sure I know what you mean.

I've been going back over your resume.

- You have?
- Mm-hmm. Impeccable.

MBA from Yale. Two years at the Sorbonne.

Awarded the Silver Cross
for speed alphabetizing.

- Yeah, well-
- And I say to myself,

"Now, why does a guy like this,

with those kinds of
credentials, need this job?"

I mean, the pay isn't all that great.

Working for Cartier Rand's
no day at the beach.

What's your angle?

- Angle?
- What are your hopes?

Your dreams? Where do you
want to be a year from now?

Alive.

Don't get metaphysical with me.

I've been around this town a long time.

I've seen people in your
position cozy up to a star,

exploit that star's goodwill
for personal gain...

Mr. Folsey, what are you suggesting?

Simmer down! I'm not
suggesting anything.

Let me just say I have my eye on you.

Are you trying to say
that I don't look honest?

Relax. I'm not saying
you're about to rob the place.

Now why don't we just go take
that typing test, shall we?

Ah, what typing test?

Oh, didn't I mention the typing test?

No.

Well, your resume says you type...

How many words a minute?

- I-
- Oh, yes! 120.

Oh, come on now, show
me what you're made of!

Let those fingers fly!

Mr. Folsey? The attorneys
are here for their meeting.

Ah. Well, all right,
put 'em out by the pool.

We'll get back to that
test shortly, okay, Curt?

And don't worry. I'm sure you're...

Everything you seem to be.

I don't like you, Curt.

Come on, keys. Where are those keys?

They say you don't like dating women.

Huh? Yeah.

Oh. Well, uh...

They would be right.

I say,

maybe you just haven't met the right one.

After all, what's not to like?

I don't believe it
works that way, Monica.

Anyway, with any luck, I'm
sure that Curt's all atwitter

about someone special he met last night.

Yeah. Well...

Oh, look! You're blushing!

Imagine me, America's vixen, a matchmaker.

Wonderful.

You know, this morning while
I was doing my leg raises,

I started thinking about
your date with Raymond.

Oh, it wasn't actually a date.

And I realized that it must
take a great deal of guts

to have an evening like that.

Tell me about it.

So many men that I know

are hiding behind one facade or another

and I really admire your willingness

to let the world know who you are!

- Well...
- I might do the same thing.

What do you mean?

Oh, just like you said on the street.

If I'm unhappy on "Storm Watch,"

I should do something about it.

Like...

What?

I'm leaving the show.

I said that?

Not in so many words,

but you did have a certain
amount of influence, yes.

Look, Cartier, I don't want you

to do anything crazy because of me.

Now, I'm having a little, um...

"Do" at the house tonight.

Russ Houser, who plays
my husband on the show,

and his wife, Margo, is coming.

I might as well tell him so
he can salvage his career.

Oh, that's rather embarrassing.
I'm becoming decent.

Cartier...

Since Morgan is away at
his ranch emasculating bulls,

would you mind being my escort at dinner?

I don't...

Oh, I'll have wardrobe get you a tux.

Oh, and don't worry about
tidying up the desk.

I don't leave anything
important in there anyway.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

- Yes?
- I wanna see Curt Taylor!

Well, you're gonna
have to state your name.

Yeah, well
let me see Curt Taylor

or I'ma tear your face off!

- No you don't!
- Curt!

Curt!

Sis!

Look at that face, Monica!

Is that a face or is that a face?

- Curt, we gotta talk.
- How's Mom?

- How's Pop?
- Curt, we really gotta talk!

How's little Trixie?

- And how's Skipper?
- Let go of me, Curt! Curt!

All right. What is going on here?

Shirl, you gotta get outta here.

Look, what is all this
brother-sister stuff? Huh, Curt?

I smell a scam going
down and I expect my cut.

What are you talking about?

Look, buster, all your
life you been on the take.

You've never cared about
anybody but yourself.

Well, maybe someday you will,

and when you do I hope
you get the same dumperoo

you always been giving everybody else!

There's nothing going on here.

Good!

Then you won't mind if I stay awhile.

Oh, I'm gonna-

- Go ahead! Kill me!

After all I meant to you?

- Kill me!
- Shh!

Take your best shot, buddy! Go ahead!

- After all I meant to you?
- Cartier!

Hi. Shirl, Cartier Rand.

The star?

Oh.

The person.

Monica told me that your
little sister was here.

You never mentioned you had a sister.

Didn't I?

Do you have dinner plans?

One of my guests has just
canceled at the last minute.

Typical of this town.

And I loathe an unbalanced
table, don't you?

Besides, I'd really like a chance

to get to know Curt's little sister.

We'll have cocktails at seven.

Cartier, I realize that you've been

quite unhappy there for some time, but-

- It's just that after
studying at the Royal Academy

for all those years,

I really feel I'm not
getting the opportunity

to stretch beyond the show.

I mean, I want to do some theater.

I want to do a Broadway
play. A meaningful film.

Don't you agree, Margo?

Anyway, Russ, what I
really wanted to tell you

is that I'm thinking of leaving the show

at the end of the season.

Uh-huh.

Well, I appreciate your not
getting hysterical, darling,

but I do feel there's a reaction

somewhere between hysteria and "uh-huh."

Yeah, well, I'm hysterical.

I mean, I of course can only
speak for we the masses,

but "Storm Watch" without Cartier Rand?

Come on, that's like tuna without mayo.

Thank you.

Yeah, many's the night I can
remember watching television

wherever I happened to
be staying at the time-

- Shirl used to move a lot.

Yeah, and I would say to Curt-

- I used to visit Shirl all the time.

Yeah, well, I'd say, "Hey, Curt, honey..."

My sister and I are so
close she calls me honey.

Yeah.

Anyway, I'd say, "Hey, Curt, honey,

you know what that Cartier Rand is?

Cartier Rand is a class act."

Of course, Curt here, being
the big con artist that he is,

he'd always say, "Don't worry, sugar.

She don't hold a candle to you."

Thank you.

Yeah.

Goodnight! Goodnight, everyone!

- Thanks, Cartier!
- Goodnight.

Cartier, why am I supposed to ask Curt

about this guy named Raymond?

- Who the heck is Raymond?
- Ah, Sis! There you are!

Gee, I'm really sorry-
- Who the heck is Raymond?

Russ, can I have a
word with you a second?

- Who the heck is Raymond?
- Curt!

Raymond's on the phone in the den.

- Let's go.
- Who the heck is...

I can't go until I have my pie!

I'll mail it to you.

Curt, I wanna know
who the heck Raymond is!

Psst! Psst!

Psst! Psst!

Psst!

Psst! Psst!

Ben!

Oh!

Oh, I just had to say goodnight.

- Curt!
- Shut up!

- Shut up!
- Who is Raymond?

- Will you shut up?
- Curt!

- I smell something fishy!
- Shut up!

Oh, that kid makes me nervous, Margo.

If he ever got a look at
Cartier's books, he'd be onto us.

He was trained in the
European accounting tradition.

Finish it, Ben.

Drain out the last of her accounts

and let's get out of
town, please, I'm ready!

First I've gotta get the
books out of the house!

I can't just walk out with them.

Well, what can you do?

There's always someone
here! They'll see you!

No, there won't be,
the night of the Emmys.

Cartier's nominated!
This place'll be dead!

I'll get those books outta here

and I'll buy us enough time to split town.

Oh, Ben, you're so good!

- Yes.
- Yes!

- Yes.
- Yes.

Yes!

Anyway, darling, I really appreciate

your understanding about all of this.

It was my pleasure.

- Goodnight, darling.
- Goodnight.

Peanut butter, peanut
butter, where are you?

If you were peanut butter,
where would you be?

The peanut butter is over there,

in that cabinet by the sink.

Oh.

Hi.

Hi.

Do you know that I have
lived in this mansion

for over two years

and I have visited this kitchen
approximately five times?

Oh, uh,

did you get that message
that Morgan called?

Oh, yes. Thanks.

He'd been out on a roundup.

He told me that he had
personally branded 34 heifers

and couldn't stop thinking of me.

Nice.

It's really a very
strange thing about...

A woman in my position.

So many men are sort of
put off by all the fuss.

Kind of intimidated.

I guess that's why Morgan
and I get along so well.

My career means nothing to him.

You know, it seems to
me that a lot of things

that are important to you

really don't mean a thing to Morgan.

Don't tell me you're getting
concerned about my welfare.

I mean...

I've never met anybody like you before.

You know, you want people to
think you're so tough, but...

But I know how much you
really care about things.

Seems to me that...

Well, the one thing in the world

that you're really
still in need of is a...

Is a good friend.

You see,

Morgan and I...

Well.

We became lovers,

but we're not very good friends.

I don't know how things
are with you and Raymond.

Things aren't any way
with me and Raymond.

Yes, well, some men do seem to

equate sex with a total
relationship, don't you think?

- Do they?
- Don't they?

I wish you wouldn't do that.

Do what?

Talk to me about men
like I was a girlfriend.

I feel like we're at a pajama party.

Well, it's just that

you don't view male-female relationships

like other men view
male-female relationships.

Yes I do!

I mean...

Relationships are relationships.

Even a vegetarian knows
what to do with a hamburger.

Yes...

Well.

Whatever you say.

Yeah, let's just forget it.

Curt, we can still insult each other

and we can still be friends, okay?

I don't think being
friends is such a good idea.

Well, that's what
you said that I needed.

Yeah...

You don't need me.

Hey, look. I didn't mean to hurt you.

Look, just forget it. Really.

Would you turn on the
alarm system when you go up?

Here. I had this key made for you.

It's the key to the security system.

You sure you want me to have this?

Well, yes. I trust you.

Goodnight.

So he came through for you, eh?

Curt Taylor's a man of his word, J.J.

Besides, I explained to him

that if he didn't produce that key,

we would not only track him down,

we'd track down every
last relative, friend,

and pet he ever had and lean,

very hard.

You want my opinion?

We should get rid of him anyway.

No, no. Not so fast, J.J.

I told him to stay put up in that house

'cause on Emmy night,

when Ms. Rand discovers
her baubles missing,

somebody's gotta take the fall.

And I think young Curtis will
fill that bill very nicely.

Don't you?

Give us a few minutes, will ya?

Cartier.

Have a nice lunch? - Cartier, new pages.

Oh, not more rewrites.

- Russ.
- What?

- You want to run them?
- Okay.

Valentina just entered.

Her husband, Walker's, waiting for her.

You look lovely today, Valentina.

What do you want, Walker?

You're only kind when you want something.

Valentina, I've just
spoken to your doctor.

Yes, Walker.

Well, there's no easy
way to say it, baby.

You've got...

Hemophilia?

That's impossible.

It's a very rare strain.
Possibly a food allergy.

But Walker, isn't it often...

Fatal?

Yes.

Now just a minute! Are they serious?

Apparently, Cartier.

Well, they can't do this to me!

I may quit, but I will not be erased!

Thanks, Davis. Goodnight.

Hello?

Hello?

How was my day?

Not so good, thank you for asking.

Come in.

It's just been a hell
of a day, you know?

You've done a lot to this place.

I haven't done a thing with it.

Oh. Well, thank god.

It's really terrible.

Look, I, um...

I know you don't really approve of me

and I know that some of my problems

aren't really very important to you,

but there's just nobody to speak to

in this whole mammoth
monstrosity of a house-

- Cartier-
- I don't know why,

but I just feel that I can talk to you.

And even though you said you
didn't want to be my friend,

I pay you good money, dammit,

and I think you should at least try

and listen to some of my problems!

Oh, I hate crying!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

You have the days
when you just wanna cry?

Yeah, I do. Today.

Well, why don't you cry then?

I feel like an idiot doing this alone.

I don't cry so easy.

Well, neither do I. I mean, I fight it.

I fight it with every fiber of my being.

I'm a very strong woman.

Yes you are. You are
a very tough cookie.

You know,

if we were in a movie now,

we would be in some little
cottage in the woods

in the pouring rain.

You would be Burt Lancaster and I'd be...

Cartier Rand.

"Why don't we slip out of
these wet clothes?" you'd say.

Oh! No!

- What, "No"?
- Oh, I can't do this to you!

- Why not?
- Oh! Am I out of my mind?

I mean, toying with your emotions

as if your feelings counted for nothing!

I mean, this is absurd!

Here I am, I'm lonely, I'm depressed,

and so I come up here
and I start kissing you

and you can't possibly
have been enjoying it!

Well, it's something that
I could learn to put up with.

Oh, Curt. Curt.

My life is complicated enough

without adding you to the
list of complications.

I'm sorry about this, Curt.

I promise you it will not happen again.

But...

Red and blue teams,

report to the softball diamond at 3 p.m.

Who do you like for the
Emmys tonight, Mr. Wayne?

Well, I don't wanna bet, Mr. Drexler.

I can't afford it.

Hey.

Your lack of fortitude disappoints me.

I mean, have you visited our
credit department lately?

Well, uh, no. But...

Oh, here's our credit department now.

Lyndon Dean sent you a message.

Oh?

I'm about to become a
wealthier man, gentlemen.

- Oh, congratulations.
- Oh, congratulations.

And if Lyndon's plan goes nicely,

Mr. Curt Taylor will be rejoining us.

Poor Curt.

Out just a few days and already
involved in a jewel robbery.

Be grateful you're in
here with me, gentlemen.

It's an ugly world out there.

That's the usual?

Yeah, clear.

It's Emmy time again here-

- Monica!

Monica bring me the rest
of my jewels and hurry up!

Oh, I'm so late.

Monica! Will you come and
help me with the dress?

I'm coming!

The excitement here

is just unbelievable, folks.

I don't know what's wrong.

I just can't seem to do up this dress.

You're just nervous, that's all.

Nervous. Why should I be nervous?

Do you think I care about an Emmy Award?

Do you think I really need
a small, gold statuette

to validate my career?

Yes.

You know, I've suddenly
come to realize how rarely

brutal honesty is called for.

I'll get your mantilla.

Would you?

Curt!

Curt!

Curt, where are you?

Isn't your tuxedo a little new wave?

Cartier, I'm not going.

What do you mean you're not going?

What are my fans going to think?

The "Love Weapon" can't get a date?

I don't feel very good.

So suffer. Tonight's my night.

Tomorrow I'll buy you a
little iron lung or something.

Look, I know you can't
understand right now, but-

- I know. It's the stupid kiss, wasn't it?

Look, I admit that must have been

a revolting experience for you,

but just please try and
forget it ever happened.

- For the Gipper?
- I'm not going.

Cartier, I'm sorry, but I'm not going.

All right.

I understand. That's what
friends do, isn't it?

Oh, I forgot.

You don't want to be friends, do you?

Monica!

Well.

Aw.

Monica?

You have the evening off, right?

Why, yes.

I do.

Enjoy yourself.

Hold it right there.

Look, I'm sorry, but I can't
let you go through with it.

You see, it's become a personal matter.

I don't like guns, Mr.
Phonopolous, but I had to stop you.

Let's face it, you're a pretty big wheel.

Not so big, I think, as David.

As David? No, no, I
think you got that wrong.

You see, it was Goliath who
was the big guy, remember?

Yeah, I'm sure I'm right,
David was this little guy-

David?

David.

Cartier!

Oh, Cartier, Cartier, Cartier-

- I got here as quickly
as I could. What happened?

Why do I have to be
the one to tell you this?

- It is just horrible.
- Well, what happened?

Your jewels are gone.

All the big stones that
Morgan gave you. And my car!

My car was stolen too,
and, uh, for some reason

they stole the financial ledgers as well.

Well, was anyone hurt?

- Where's Curt?
- Well, that's the thing.

Uh, Cartier, Curt's the one who did it.

Look, Mr. Dean?

What's the point in keeping me here, huh?

You got the jewels for Drexler.

Nobody knows you're involved.

Course I'm not gonna say anything.

Well, you're right
about that part anyway.

Well, I guess I'll be going.

Phil Drexler's never gonna
see these jewels, Curt.

Now, here's the story.

We showed up at Cartier Rand's house,

but you'd already beat us to the jewels.

We caught up with you and
in the ensuing shootout, uh,

you sorta got blown to bits.

Course, you'd already hid the jewels,

and gosh if I know where they might be.

Nah, it'll never work.

Drexler's too sharp.

He'll be watching you guys like a hawk.

You'll never be able to
fence that stuff. Never.

Well, not in this country,
but we'll lay low for a bit

at my place at Vista de Lobo.

I know a man that'll
be glad to help us out.

Wait a minute. Just...

Wait a minute.

I'll make a deal with you.

$10,000, I keep my mouth
shut, I won't say a word.

All right, all right.

$5,000. Take it or leave it.

Well, you got a lot of spunk, boy.

That'll earn you some points.

- Thanks.
- Not enough points.

Break his fingers before you shoot him.

I trusted him!

He ate at my table! He
slept under my roof!

He even kissed me!

Oh, no wonder he asked
me all those questions

about the security system.

No wonder he wanted to know
where I kept my jewels!

No wonder he didn't go
with you to the Emmys.

Yes! That too!

No, you keep away from me with that,

because I want to be wide awake

when they track that rat down.

Do they still horsewhip thieves?

Because I've got a horsewhip
around here somewhere.

I personally knew he was
a criminal type all along.

It's in the eyes. Beady.

- Very beady.
- Absolutely.

Of course! Everybody knew it except me!

Ha! I actually thought that
we were becoming friends!

But as usual, all he wanted
was something from me,

just like anybody else.

Cartier, the award show just called.

Darling, you won!

- Cartier, that's fantastic!
- Congratulations!

Who cares?

Rex, sit!

I'm sure we can work something out here.

We're going in the
store room, then you run,

then I shoot you in the back.

Well, that sounds like
a heck of a plan, Dave.

But what if I don't run?

Then I'll shoot you in the stomach.

I see.

Now you run.

You...

Want me...

- To run?
- Then I shoot ya.

What if you miss?

I never miss.

I don't know, Dave.
It's pretty dark in there.

Okay!

Okay.

Okay!

Curt.

Curt!

Open the door, Curt.

No!

Curt!

Oh boy.

Come on, Curt! Open the door.

Come on!

Oh!

Valentina, I spoke to your doctor today.

He asked me to talk to you.

It seems as though your
hemophilia is getting worse.

Oh.

There is one chance for you, though.

It seems there's a young
researcher in Nova Scotia.

He's frantically searching for a cure.

Frantically, Walker? Is it...

Is it because of me?

Because he's going blind.

Oh.

And cut!

All right,
that's 10 minutes, everybody.

Wonderful, Cartier.

- Russ, you did it again.
- Thank you.

Why are they doing this to me?

I can't quit the show! I'm
too depressed to leave.

I think they just want
some insurance, Cartier,

in case you ever get happy again.

- Oh, I won't.
- Let go of my purse!

Let me go! Keep your hands off of me!

Lemme go, ya creep!

All right. Where is he?

Where is he? I know you
done something with him.

You mean your brother?

He's not my brother.

He's not your brother?

No. Now where is he?

Nobody runs out on me.

Well, I don't have him.

That treacherous rat stole my jewels.

I knew he was up to something.

Get her outta here.

The minute I saw him in your house,

I knew he was up to something!

How did you know?

He's always up to something!
Didn't you know about him?

What do you think he was doing time for?

Doing what?

You heard me!

Morgan?

Doing time, doesn't that mean-

- In the slammer, up the
river, in the pokey? Yes!

I knew the guy was a crook

the minute I first laid eyes on him.

Me too!

I suppose Morgan told you

Curt's resume's as phony
as a three-dollar bill.

Cartier, I'm afraid you bought yourself

a real doozy this time, honey.

Next we
will visit the studio lake

where not only John Wayne
but the Marx Brothers

made some of their greatest pictures.

We call it Duke Soup.

I don't know why he took the books.

Maybe he was planning on
pulling something else.

Maybe he's a check forger too.

Oh, you two can bicker
about this all you want.

I'm through for the day.

I'll be right with you, sweetheart.

Over here! Excuse me!

Morgan will
be out in a minute, Davis.

Uh...

Cartier?

Oh my god.

Thanks for being so calm.

Help! Help!

Will you unlock this door?

Cartier, I gotta talk to you!

- Let me out of this car!
- No, please!

The hell's Cartier
doing with her chauffeur?

Morgan! Morgan, help!

Morgan, I'm here!

- Hey!
- Oh boy.

Stop that car, dammit!

Well, that tears it.

I'm gonna have that tutti-frutti's head!

Cartier, listen to me. I
didn't rob you last night.

The reason I stayed home was
to try and prevent the robbery.

And how did you happen to know

that my house was going
to be robbed that night?

There was nothing about
it in my horoscope.

That's where the whole
thing gets a little sticky.

I'll admit, when you first hired me

I tried to find out everything I could

about your jewels and
your security system.

Oh, that does sound so innocent.

I owed a fortune to
this guy back in prison.

Well, I told myself

that you're probably a stuck-up, rich jerk

that wouldn't miss a couple of diamonds.

You are warming the cockles of my heart

with every word you're saying.

Cartier, they said
they'd break me in half

if I didn't cooperate.

But after I got to know you,

you know, that didn't matter so much.

So I decided to try and stop 'em

and it didn't work out so hot.

Are you trying to tell me
that you risked your neck

to prevent the robbery?

Why?

I guess because you believed in me.

More than I believed in me.

Besides, you said you'd
kill me if I wasn't honest.

Curt?

Do you really expect
me to believe all this?

Could've just split, you know.

I want every available highway patrolman

you got on this thing,

I want 'em around the clock and
I want 'em border-to-border.

That's right.

You know, Curt, I just do not understand

why you can't go to the police
and tell them all of this.

I mean after all, you
are the innocent victim.

Cartier, I wasn't an innocent victim.

At the very least, I broke parole.

Well I have got a
wonderful lawyer for you.

He was sensational in my last divorce.

In or out of prison, I'm dead meat.

Phil Drexler, the guy I
owe money to back in jail,

is a very powerful man.

Until he gets his jewels-

- My jewels.

Until he gets your jewels,

he's gonna be looking for me
under every rock in the world.

That's not good.

Cartier, you take the car and go.

I'm gonna pack up some
things and get outta here.

See you on TV, huh?

Take care of yourself, Curt.

Oh boy! Drive!

Punch it!

Cartier, turn left!

Sit down and
please stop yelling at me!

Turn right. Turn right!

Turn right, right now!
Turn right, turn right!

Oh!

Okay.

Okay, I think we lost 'em.

All right.

I'll get outta here.

And what do I do?

Just forget you know me.

- Stay where you are.
- What?

I said stay where you
are and listen to me.

Now, I can forgive breaking and entering

and conspiring with criminals,

but I cannot abide a quitter.

You reduce insurmountable
odds by beating them!

Must I trot out stories of
Vasco da Gama and Louis Pasteur,

not to mention my own tiny triumphs?

No.

Is it your plan to skulk
around for the rest of your life,

forever looking over your shoulder?

Or how would you like to
try living with dignity?

Cartier, the man wants those jewels!

Well, then let him have them!

What?

Look, you told me that you knew

where Lyndon Dean and that
hulking creep were, right?

So we go there, we get the jewels,

and then we give them to Drexler!

They're in Mexico!

I love Mexico and I
haven't been for years.

Even assuming we get to Mexico,

what do we do once we get there?

We improvise.

Every good actor learns
to think on their feet.

Cartier, these people are killers.

You know, I think we
should get rid of this car

and I think this dress
might be a bit much.

Oh boy.

I can't stand it anymore. I
gotta know your real name.

Oh!

I can't tell you that. You'll laugh.

I won't laugh!

You tell me what you were in prison for

and I'll tell you my real name.

Phony oil stocks.

I sold shares to wells
that were never there.

Doesn't it feel good
to get it off your chest?

Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Well, come on, Cartier. It's your turn.

Oh, Curt, this is really difficult.

We got a deal here!

Promise you won't laugh.

I won't laugh.

Okay.

Well!

I haven't told anyone that in years.

You know it feels kind of
good the two of us to get-

Curt! You promised not to laugh!

You rat! I'll kill you!

Oh...

Hi.

Hey.

Have I been asleep long?

Nah.

You should get a little nap, Curt.

You know, a makeup man that I knew once

told me that a little nap is
as good as eight hours sleep.

Is that an accident up there?

If it is, it must be
a big one. They got...

That's no accident. That's a roadblock.

What?

We gotta get off this
road. They're looking for us.

Hey, Sarge! Look at that VW!

Can't you go any faster?

Hang on, Cartier.

Hey, Henderson!
Check out the culvert!

Anything down there?

Good lord.

They'll probably move the roadblock

to another position by morning.

When you're finished here,

meet me at the frontage road.

How close are we to the border?

We're close, but we
can't go any further.

It's gonna be dark soon. We
need the daylight to see.

I wanna stick to the dirt
roads as much as I can.

I saw a sign for a little
motel about a mile back.

Great, great. Okay, we'll take it slow.

Now, I want to stay on the clay

so we don't leave any tire tracks.

I have the uncomfortable feeling

that you've done this
sort of thing before.

You have this much fun
with your last secretary?

The White House has not
responded to the demands

and has adopted a wait-and-see attitude

toward this latest development
in the Middle East.

Coming up next, the latest turn of events

in the Cartier Rand kidnapping.

What?

Uh...

Uh, Cartier, you better
come in and hear this.

What?

They're saying that I kidnapped you.

No wonder everybody's after us.

You're kidding!

No, I'm not! That's not funny!

Well, when this is over,

they'll see that I wasn't kidnapped.

I could call Barbara Walters,

but she might think that
you've got a gun to my head.

Oh. You don't mind, do you?

No. I, uh...

You look fine, really.

Cartier Rand, known to
millions as Valentina Garnette

on the popular TV show "Storm Watch,"

is still missing today

and efforts to find her
are being intensified.

The kidnapper is believed
to be her male secretary,

who just a couple of nights
ago robbed the Rand mansion

of several million dollars in jewels.

- Would you listen to that?
- Shh!

Ms. Rand's character on "Storm Watch"

recently developed hemophilia,

and now her absence is being
explained by her sudden death.

What!

Her costar Russ Houser recently learned

that his wife of several
years has fled with a lover

who has been revealed as Ben Folsey,

Ms. Rand's business manager.

What could Margo possibly see in Ben?

As we reported earlier,
Folsey has left the country

and he is suspected of embezzling

almost the entirety of
Cartier Rand's fortune.

That.

Coming up next,

a perspective on the Cartier
heist by Dr. Joyce Brothers.

I'm wiped out.

Wait a minute.

What about that big rock
you got on your finger?

Oh.

This is Valentina Garnette's.

It's as phony as her name. Or mine.

I don't know what to say.

And Margo! I always
thought she was frigid!

Look, I'm sorry. I really am.

Oh, lord.

Come here.

You don't have to do this, Curt.

I'll be all right, honestly.

It's okay. It's okay.

No, I know that we got a
little carried away last time

and I know that this puts-
- Cartier.

- A tremendous strain on you-
- Cartier.

What?

Shut up.

Lyndon. This just came.

Taylor got away.

I don't understand. David's
never failed us before.

What if Curt Taylor gets to Drexler

and tells him the truth
about those jewels?

Wire David. Tell him to
use every contact he has.

I want that troublemaker
put outta commission.

What are you thinking?

Oh, just a fantasy, J.J.

Wouldn't I love to see Curt Taylor

walk through that door right now and...

We could break his neck
with our own hands.

Lyndon, he's not crazy.

That kid's a million miles away from here.

Hey! You want to blend in, don't you?

Besides, my plan may call for disguises.

Oh, really? And you've already
come up with a plan, huh?

Not yet, but I will, I will.
I think on my feet, remember?

Well, I hope your feet come
up with something real good.

Hey, listen, I'll take my feet

over that ridiculous gun
that you bought anytime.

What is that thing?

Cartier, it's all I could afford

after all the money you spent
on the stupid disguises.

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Arthur! You got those ratings?

You see the
numbers on "Storm Watch"?

Up four points!

I knew this would happen.

This whole kidnapping thing

has made Cartier hotter than ever.

You, know I had three movie offers for her

since she disappeared.

But Hal?

What if she doesn't come back?

What are you talking about?
Of course she'll come back.

Sometimes they don't.

People who are kidnapped.

She'll come back because it would be

a completely insane career
move for her not to.

You're not hearing me.

And it would destroy me
personally if she didn't.

Stupid tire!

Shoot.

Curt.

About last night.

Yeah, what about last night?

Well, um...

We haven't really talked about last night.

Oh.

Well, since you're obviously

not in the mood to talk
about it, then I will.

I was a little startled by last night,

but then I've been a little startled

by a lot of things in the past few days.

You see, I have found myself
getting strongly attracted

to a man who insists that he's gay.

Cartier-

- Now, you can't imagine
how awkward this has felt,

and it has felt even more awkward

when I found myself in bed with said man.

Cartier, I'm not gay.

- No kidding?
- I was gonna tell ya.

Well, you know, Curt,

I could just about figure
that out for myself.

What I don't understand is
why you didn't tell me before!

Because I didn't know how.

I mean, after everything that's happened,

I just couldn't admit to another lie.

Every single time
that I get to trust you,

you do something to destroy that trust.

Just when I was beginning to think

that you were totally honest,

you have the audacity to go to bed with me

and you're not even gay!

I think I'm falling in love with you.

I mean, you...

What?

I said I think I'm
falling in love with you.

That's what I thought you said.

Guess you don't feel the same way, huh?

Curt, I mean...

Just a minute.

In the last day you've
gone from gay secretary

to straight gangster.

I can't even keep score.

Cartier, I am not a gangster.

Whatever.

- What?
- I'm just thinking.

Well, what?

I've got no money. I've got no job.

I'm running around Mexico
with a guy who kidnapped me,

looking for some crooks who
are probably gonna shoot at me.

Yeah? So?

Best I've felt in years.

Now, you remember to tell Maurice

we won't give him the time of
day for less than two million.

I'll remember. I wish
you were handling this.

Can't, I wanna take care of Taylor

before he gets to Drexler.

You think this thing'll
make it to Boca del Bayo?

Hells bells, J.J.,

you think I'd stick two million
dollars' worth of jewels

in a plane that can't fly?

Must've done this a
thousand times, eh, Jorge?

He's much more enthused than he looks.

Yeah, sure.

Okay, I'm gonna go to the
village. Get this plane fuel.

You best get ready, you wanna
get outta here before dark.

- Are you sure that's it?
- Yeah, yeah.

I saw a picture of it in Lyndon's office.

So what do we do now?

I thought this is where
you're supposed to start

thinking on your feet.

Right.

I'll listen outside that back window

and I'll see how many of them there are.

No, no, no. I'll go.

No! Are you kidding?

They'll kill you as soon
as they recognize you.

Besides, I don't want to be
left out here with the VW.

I don't drive a stick.

Oh, and you don't think
they're gonna recognize you?

I am an actress.

Like the chameleon, Cartier
Rand can disappear at will.

Oh, Cartier.

Ta-da.

Did I win an Emmy or did I win an Emmy?

Buenos dias.

Donde esta el bano?

You can drop the
dime-store Spanish, Ms. Rand.

Where's Curt Taylor?

All right, drop the
gun, Phonopolous. Drop it!

Now back up. Back up!

Chameleon, huh?

I tried.

Okay, where are the jewels?

See, Curt?

See? I told you I'd come up with a plan.

I distracted this bug long enough

for you to get the drop on him.

Not a complicated plan, I'll admit,

but a very effective one.

All right, don't try anything up there!

Are the jewels inside the plane?

Kid, do yourself a
favor and get outta here.

We'll rip you to shreds.

Listen, you, you're not dealing with

a couple of garden-variety
hoodlums here, you know.

Uh, Cartier.

Just do not forget who has
that gun trained on whom.

Would you just check inside the plane

and see if the jewels are in there?

All right, Curt.

Thank you.

Curt, I don't think there's
any need to yell at each other

in front of these crooks, do you?

I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

Move it!

Curt! There's a suitcase here!

Start the engine!

- What?
- Cartier, get in.

I said start that engine!

Curt, we're
not going up in this thing!

Senior, no! Too much weight!

She will not fly!

Well, you make her fly!

What happened?

Come on!

Oh, boy!

Oh, boy.

Faster!

See if you can get a shot at 'em.

They're shooting at us!

Too much! No more, I quit!

What do you mean you quit? Fly!

Shoot me! Shoot me!

Aw!

What are you doing?

Gimme that!

Oh, Curt!

Curt, why are we going up?

I have no idea!

Whoa!

No!

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy!

Ah!

Take the gun! Shoot 'em!

What do you mean, "Shoot 'em"?

Just shoot 'em!

I'm gonna tear that thing's wings off.

He's gonna tear our wings off!

Ah!

They're in front of us!

Oh!

Hey! We did it!

We made it! We made it, baby!

Hey, Cartier! Watch this!

Curt, you're crazy!

Mr. Drexler? You have a visitor.

Mr. Drexler.

Yeah.

There is a bank not far from here

called the Mountain First National.

Are you familiar with it?

What about it?

A safe deposit box has been rented there

in the name of Marilyn Hallifax.

And who the hell is Marilyn Hallifax?

Mr. Drexler, how should I
know who Marilyn Hallifax is?

But if one of your associates

takes this address that
I'm gonna give you,

gets a key, goes to the
bank, and opens the box,

he will find, I believe,

the property that you've been waiting for.

What property?

You've heard, no doubt, of the...

"Cartier Affair."

What about it?

This is all courtesy of Curt Taylor.

But if I give you this
address, I want your assurance

that his debt to you will be paid in full.

Hey, lady.

If what you say is there is there, yeah.

And you promise that
you'll leave him alone?

What do I look like? Some cheap hood?

Yes.

Curt, did you really spend
the last of our money

on this remarkably cheap champagne?

Nope!

You spent the last of our money

on that remarkably cheap dress.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, you know, a part of me...

Part of me is wondering how
I'm gonna get back to L.A...

And what I'm gonna do when I get there.

And where I'm gonna sleep tonight.

Another part of you doesn't care?

That's a part of me I've
almost forgotten about.

Well, he sure was
right about this place.

Who?

I worked on a chain gang
with a guy near this hill.

Said you could sit here
when the moon was full

and it was the most beautiful
sight this side of Heaven.

That man was obviously a poet.

He was in for aggravated assault.

So, Cartier.

What about tomorrow?

I don't know, Curt.

I'm just looking at the moon.